Happy New Year 2013

I applaud those who are strong within themselves.  You seem, on the surface, at least, to know who you are.   Celebrate that.  If indeed, you do have it that together, I am amazed!  That's beautiful!!!

Sometimes though, I can tell a person doesn't actually have it together.  Or perhaps, like me, they are new to their search for self, and finding comfort in who that is. Because that's when people see who I am as a threat to who THEY are.  They're not yet at the point where they've realized that we can be incredibly varied, take completely different paths, even believe differently - and yet - that's OK.  We can compliment each other in the best possible ways.  Everyone brings something different to the table.

Why do we always need to think that all issues are black and white?  Why does my reality, my truth have to threaten yours?  The reality?  It DOESN'T.  You just think it does.

When we are judgmental, inflexible, in those moments when we think OUR WAY is the only way, this is when we lose.  These are the moments when we build walls with our fear and our need to control.

Why can't we understand that we can BE different, and DO IT differently and that it's OK?  We can enjoy life and give each other mutual respect.We can BE.

I am beginning to understand, to know - truly - who I am and what I need to do, who and what I need to be.  And she's absolutely NOTHING like the fake, plastic little barbie doll who was walking around before.
Absolutely everything has changed.  I've left no stone un-turned.  And yes, it's true what they say - once you've opened Pandora's box.....but truthfully I wouldn't change anything about my journey these last 18 months. This feels like a homecoming, inside of me - if that makes sense.

2013 will be a year for me to finally manifest, to walk, the changes that have taken place inside of me.  Over this past year, many friends have stood by my side while I worked through each item I took out of Pandora's box.  Every item that came out into the sunlight meant more revelations,  more laughs, more tears....and more reality. Tough yes, but also freeing and amazing.  To find ones own lost soul.....

I have to pause here a moment. I find it difficult to put into words what a difference some of my friends have made to me this last year.  Listening to me, laughing with me, helping me let go, have fun and enjoy who I am, believing in me, showing me a different view, and fuck-all INFINITE patience when I was a complete loon and allowed my mess to spill onto them.  This is only the tip of the iceberg.  You know who you are and I am where I am right now - happy, excited and ready for each new day - because your help made it possible.  You have my heart and my thanks always, dearest ones, you are angels on earth. I'm sorry, I'm gushing again - but that needed to be said.

So now?  I'm ready for a new path, a new year.  I've done the excavating, I've taken out the items, looked at them in the sun and learned their lessons.  So now?  Now I MOVE. I walk forward every day, manifesting my dreams.

I will live my passion.  I will take risks. I will get up when I fall and go again! I will be silly.  I will be spontaneous. I will give in to beautiful impulses.  I will follow my intuition. I will not give up or give in.  I will enjoy each day.  I will have FUN. I will create. I will be grateful, always for the amazing souls I have come to know.  I will keep it simple. I won't take myself and everything around me so seriously! I will display compassion and love in those difficult moments.  I will get off this fucking hamster wheel and take time to build something that reflects who I am and allows me the time to live and to give and help others.  Working and sleeping and nothing more?  This is not a life, not to me.

I will stand in the sun this year.

Happy New Year!

The Fire Inside

Needs, simple
Ideas, many
Heart, open
Passion, burning
Standing ready
Hands and feet
Aching to work
To build it
Needing to sing, dance, laugh
Live for what you love
Hold on tight
Let's do this!

T.I.G.H.

Surrounded
Fear, inertia
From within
And without
No more
I'm sorry, but
It's like the man said
This is gonna hurt
One shot
One life
Taking flight

Groove

It's easy

To lose your groove

Convince yourself
Justify 

But in the end

You know who you are

The road is before you

Get up and move 

Unafraid

There was a time
Hesitant on my path
Needing approval
Wanting a hand to hold
Afraid to do this alone
And now
I know me
I am strong
I take life
Shake it
Mold it
Build this thing
That I see in my heart's sight
It is mine, it exists already
There are many I love
And I want so much
To take you all with me
On this walk
To journey together
Some of you will come to see
That our path's intersect
You are the freshest air of my in-drawn breath
You inspire me so
And I will live in gratitude for you
Each day we walk this road
Still others
Will move away
On their own path
And when you do
You will take a part of my heart
With you
The tears will come
And the pain, it will stay
But I know my path
And I will walk it
There is great and amazing joy
And freedom in this
For a soul to wake each day
Eager for the day
Loving each moment
Grateful for each breath
I can see it
And I am building it
Every soul I have encountered
So beautiful
For what you have all added
To my life
I am so grateful
And truly, I love you
I raise my glass to each of us
And our beautiful journeys
I wish you love and light on yours
As I take mine
Eager for each new day

All The Difference

It matters not
How you found it
You just rejoice
That you did
Your heart's in-drawn breath
When there was no air
For so long
And knowing it exists
Regardless of how life plays out
Your soul cans soar
Because if the universe
Really DOES
Contain this truth
Then other simple
Beautiful things
Must also be real
Real, and possible
This knowledge
It rewrites your story
From the inside out
Yes, I know
There is both joy
And sorrow in this
But once known
You would not give up
This soul knowledge
Not for anything
For knowing it
Has made all the difference

Precious and Breakable

People
Souls we encounter
They are precious
I encounter them
Catch a glimpse
Of their soul
And I fall
Matters not
What roles we play
We can be anything
I only love one way
Everyone
Deeply
When I try to show them
I fuck it up so profoundly
Since I've found open
I find translation
From what I know inside
To walking it
To be difficult
I come to know them
Souls, so beautiful
So profoundly breathtaking
I cannot help but reach out
Draw closer
Want to know more, to help
To love
Because my sight....
I see you
Do you understand?
I SEE YOU
Accepting, celebrating, loving
All that you are
And it all spills over
And in that moment
It happens
I can't....how do I.....
Why can't I ever show it
What I know inside
I begin to understand
Even when what you share
Is good
Now, standing in the light
Long enough to focus
I see
Every action
Every action
Must be cautious
You can share
You can love
You can help
But you must be careful
Souls are precious and beautiful things
But they can be bruised and hurt
Caution is in order
Until a day
When I do not
Walk through life
Like that proverbial
Bull in a china shop
No, I do not pull back
From open
Simply walking cautiously
Until I move
More naturally

Pandora - Life Outside The Box

If you open it

There is good and bad inside

And I warn you

You can't put it back in

Won't be able to close that lid

Like stuffing a jack-in-the-box back in

I'll admit, at first

I WAS regretting opening it

Walking through a foreign land

No signposts or familiar markers

Just no point of reference

Mistakes, messes

Pain, both mine and others

I've tried running for cover 

Yes, a few times

 But, no

Running, quitting 

Not going to happen

Awake and aware now

Knowing the truth

Learning every day

To not walk it 

In reality 

Now

Weak & Cowardly

I will learn & embrace lessons

In both the joy and the mistakes

I will make right where I can

I will embrace life 

I will sing, laugh 

And I will love

I will LIVE 

Stones In The Pond

Everything we do
Each action
Your thoughts, too
Like a stone
Thrown into a still pond
Circles, spreading outward
Moving, overlapping
Whether you are glad of it
Or bleeding regret
Ever further reaching
Those circles
And you
You are your own
Cosmic pitcher
Throwing those stones
Sometimes carefully
Other times, a random careless act
Still
You own it all
Know that

A Little Dickens

I watched the classic Alastair Sim version of "A Christmas Carol" last night. I've always been a fan of this particular version, because of the stellar character actors, and Sim's performance in general. He had such an expressive face, and that laughing at the end...simply perfect.

I have seen so many performances of "A Christmas Carol" over the years. I have also read the story, many times.

For some reason, a particular line of dialogue stood out to me last night. The moment comes when Scrooge and The Ghost of Christmas Past are about to depart his rooms, and Scrooge says that he is afraid to fall.

The ghost says "Bear but a touch of my hand.....and you shall be upheld in more than this."

There is so much in this short line! Clearly for Scrooge, trusting this agent of good would do more for him than stop him from falling. A win-win for Scrooge, Yes?

But what about us?  I got to thinking...when WE offer help to each other, isn't the good that comes of it so often more than the simple act itself?

Really listening and delighting in a conversation with someone, picking a friend up from the airport, letting someone know something they created touched you, or bringing the crossing guard at your kid's school a coffee....small examples of everyday things we can all do.

I don't want to sound Pollyanna. But I do know when someone does something for me, the happy feeling goes beyond just what they did.

And, I feel great when I help someone else. There's that win-win again.

We can all be agents of good in each other's lives. Charles Dickens. Pretty smart dude, I'd say.

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Power To Burn Brightly

Here are some everyday pleasures that help me keep my lights on. What's on your list?

1. Walking in nature
2. First time in Fenway Park
3. Myles Kennedy's voice
4. Exploring new territory
5. Live music that kicks ass
6. Hot chocolate with Bailey's
7. Blisstique's music
8. Friday at 5:00
9. My little robot ring
10. Chris Whitley's lyrics
11.Todd Kerns! He just IS Rock N Roll!
12. Chewing. Stroking.
13. Writing
14. Taking pictures
15. Maker's Mark straight up
16. Glenn Stewart gigs
17. Hazelnut coffee
18. Making eye contact
19. Friendship!
20. Writing poems for my other blog

Just having fun......send me yours in the comments :-)

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Impostor

There's an impostor in my life
She lives inside of me
The truth is, she's the real
The one who walks the walk
Like she always has
She's a fake
I wear her, like a coat
Every day
While the real me
Smothers inside
Anxiety attacks grip me
When I must be too much
The old, closed me
Keep up the facade
So wrong, so foreign
I must let me out
While I have
Some marbles left
Path ahead so different
Than the predicted
But I must walk it
And no longer be
The impostor

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My Hallelujah

I ask myself
If you are there
Or not
Most often I think you are not
There was a time
That I kissed your feet
Believed unequivocally
It was comforting
But then
The empty
I looked for you
Looked
And looked
Endlessly searching
I found nothing
But when I see
The beauty of the souls
I have been blessed to
Know in this life
No matter what happens
Regardless of the passage of time
Victories and defeats
Joys
Tragedies
I look into their eyes
Or read their words
Then I see the soul
Of another human being
I can always find it
I still have no idea
If you are there
But I have never lost it
Inside of me
Defining hope
I close my eyes
And there it is, my
Hallelujah

Handling The Truth

Be thankful for those 

Who tell you the truth

For without it 

You are lost 

We get angry at them

Don't want to hear it

Find reasons to discount

The message they share 

The reasons they know

And why they share 

The particular vehicle they've chosen

These are not the point

What does matter

Is the message

And if you fight it

Become incensed 

Then you know

What they share 

It is for you

Open up and listen! 

Yes I know many

Truth seekers and truth tellers

In my face they are 

Relentless, sometimes obnoxious

They rip my comfort from me

Refuse to let me be complacent 

Always making me look in the mirror

And face what I would rather ignore 

There will never be a moment

That I am not thankful for you

My beautiful truth tellers

Never stop 

Not That Girl

I spent some time reading over some of my old journals last night, the one I was reading was circa 2004.  I was carrying on and on, pages and pages over the course of many months - all with the same theme.  I wanted to be a better person.  My  family was not happy with me.  I wasn't good enough. I needed to change, I needed to improve.

I have to be honest, I found the entire experience reading that over to be extremely sickening and disturbing. The person who wrote those entries comes across as a weak little mouse.  She assumes that she is in the wrong and everyone around her is right. She fully believes that she's somehow "bad" and needs to trust in God and her family that this is true and that she must "be better".

What is she doing with her time?  Working full time, managing a house & family and the complicated dynamics of this Twilight Zone version of the Walton's we have here with all the relatives in one building, and dealing with full-blown rheumatoid arthritis.

Even when someone attacks her verbally, she finds a reason to excuse them and blame herself.  Frankly, I still can't get get rid of the sense of disgust I felt reading those entries over.

OK, fine, "she" isn't someone else, she's me.  Or she was.  I guess that's what I realized and I'm thankful for it.  She WAS me.  I need to forgive her for the weakness she displayed in not believing in and standing up for herself.  I just want to take the lessons I can learn from that me, and move forward.

What this reading also brought home to me is how far away from that person I am now.  Clearly, I don't have all the answers.  Ask any of my friends, you have been with me on my journey to "finding me" that I started in September of 2011 and you know - it has been a messy, crazy journey!  (You know who you are, know that I love you and you have my heart forever, sweet friends.)

I do know for certain that I'm NOT that girl anymore.  While I may not know exactly what comes next, I have a much stronger sense of self now.  I believe in myself. I know what I want and I know what I need. I don't make excuses for that.  It isn't wrong.  I am not wrong.  Like anyone, I have things I can improve on and get better at.  But I am no longer the person who feels worthless and believes she is somehow lacking.  I have found my power.  It was there inside of ME the entire time.

What comes next?  I don't know. But every day, I will walk in the truth of who I am.  That means some people will stay with me and others may choose not to.  That is natural and is part of life.

The only plan I have is to walk forward, be truly myself, live in a way that honors my truth and my passion and to do that without purposely harming anyone. I will live deliberately.  Thanks HDT for that one.

Peace to you all.  

Following It

People walking through their day
A snippet of conversation
Music playing in the background
A lyric stuck in your head
You carry it with you
Like a shiny golden thing
It lives inside you
And all around you
No one can see it
You never talk about it
But yet, it defines you
Could you even describe it
If you wanted to?
Probably not
It's not a voice, not a feeling
Not a belief or a set of rules
Maybe you could call it
Your soul
It will lead you
If you let it

Carrying Hope

Where does hope live
Is it in our heart
Does our daily routine
Fortify it
Or take it away
Is your life grey
Or can you see the colors
Is hope a destination
Or perhaps an attitude
That you take with you
On the journey
It can be hard to hold on to
When times are tough
But isn't that when it's
The most precious
It can even stay with you
When you change direction
A nebulous, invisible commodity
This hope
But vital for survival, I think

Hand On The Gate II

Can you let go of it
What it's supposed to look like
The way it should be
It's one thing to talk about it
Well, let me tell you
It's another altogether
To actually do it
But when you dig your soul out
Brush off all that dirt and dust
Then, it wants to go out and play
And if you're afraid
To get out of your own way
Unable to leave your comfort zone
Then you end up
Standing at the gate
All aching and needing it so bad
You can see it, taste it
But you're too far away to touch it
Because you won't walk in
I think we all do this sometimes
True courage, it seems to me
Is moving forward
Even when you're scared shitless

To Be Continued........

Random Stream of Consciousness

You get tired of taking inventory
After a while
Sort of feels like
When the hell do I stop
Finding huge new revelations
Please tell me
There aren't any more areas
Where I'm that delusional
Holy hell
I'd love to think maybe
I'll get my act together
One of these days
You know?
I'm better at "digging" and "excavating"
Than a professional contractor
But hey
You know something?
It's all good
Every person's journey
Is different
I think that this life
Is a beautiful, messy, crazy, sexy, amazing
Little groove
And I'm going to enjoy it
I've got a sneaking suspicion
There are more revelations
To be had
And, more fun too
Yeah, we'll get there
One day at a time
I plan on enjoying the journey

Opal

Written while looking at the painting of the same title, "Opal" by Anders Zorn.

So, did it happen?
Were they real people
Or was it only
In the artists's view
The opalescent lake
Reflecting pink, and white
Like the skin
Of the two
Bare to the waist
Sitting in the grass
Surrounded by green
It doesn't matter
I suppose
If there ever was
Such a day
It is here
Before me
And so
It is happening
To me
I am one of the two
Gentle breeze blowing
Gazing at the water
A moment
Warm and free
I think
It must have happened
Yes, definitely

Q&A

Change
Inevitable
Journey
Begun
Answers
Few
Steps
Many
Passion
Embraced
Stones
Turned over
Storms
Weathered
Music
Always
Friends
Beautiful
Souls
Breathtaking
Destination
Real

I See You

As we walk
We gather
Soul Clutter
Carrying extra
We do not need
Twisting ourselves
Afraid to release our grip
I need this, we insist
Falling under the weight
Never once thinking
It doesn't have to be this way
Until another comes along
With clarity of sight
Which they've paid dearly for
Seeing what is real
And with them
A cleansing wind
Blows through your soul
The gift
Someone sees you!
Really sees YOU
Everything falls away
And you remember
Who you are

Real

There was a time
When I was real
No
I didn't have all the answers
But
My words
And my actions
Had no motivation
Save that of the moment
To be
To share
To smile
And, to love
Somehow, along the line
It got so much more complicated
Watching their eyes
Weighing the results
Am I OK?
Trying so hard, so hard
Body, mind and spirit
Tired and broken
In the vain effort
Getting OFF the ride now
It really doesn't matter
What anyone thinks
Or what they say
There will always be someone
To disapprove
I must be me
I must be real

Art, Yesterday and Today

Art
Reflects life
Our passions
What we believe
That which makes us
Who we are
I walk from room to room
Small snippets of life
Of history
Tiniest glimpses
Torn from the pages
Of time
So many ways
That we are similar
Our lives
Overlap
The things we hold dear
But from very beginning
We have devoted art
To war also
So many reasons
Have we found
To kill
Lashing out
As if in darkening
The light in another's eyes
We can somehow
Assure that ours will continue
Stupid man
Nothing is permanent
We all end
What will YOU leave behind?

What is Home?

Is it a place
Filled with memories?
Perhaps a person
The one whose heart
Arms, and soul
Accept and love you
Unequivocally
Unconditionally
Or is it
A feeling, maybe?
Inside of you
Deep down
That tells you
THIS IS RIGHT
HERE
We have found it
I've never been quite sure
This wandering heart
This seeking soul
But one day
I will find it

Poking and Peeking

You walk around the edges
You take a little peek
Here and there
Once in a while
You decide
You want to know more
And so you take a closer look
Begin poking around
But you aren't ready
You know it
And I know it
So you pull back
Revelation
Excavation
The truth of this life
It scares you
I know that
I can see
Be careful
One day
Your poking and peeking
Will reveal
More than you can handle
About yourself
About me
And about everything
You hold dear
And you'll need to
Reconcile that
Won't you?

Fuel From Within

When you want change
Where will you find the drive
The energy?
How will you overcome
The obstacles
I have learned this:
The answers
Aren't going to fall from the sky
Like magic
Nothing you've done or been
Makes you "deserve" them
Your husband, wife or lover
They can't help you
The momentum
It comes from YOU
The light for the road
Is the light within your own soul
The drive to make it happen
Has to be from  you
And you alone
If you are lucky
You will be blessed
To walk with like-minded souls
To make the journey sweeter
But you must be
Your own fuel
You and you alone

Tired

I'm tired

Of nothing being right

Of fighting for things

That don't matter to me

Anymore

Of shackles

Limitations

Finances

And

I'm terrified

That it won't change

And I will never find

That feeling

Home

And that fire 

To match mine

This

Isn't 

Working

Good Enough

I know how you feel
It isn't good enough, right?
Show the world a brave face
But in the dark
Alone
You can find no peace
There are so many
Questions
No warmth
To stave off
The doubts
Sweet release
To help you forget
Does it seem sometimes
That we could never
Shed enough light
For all this sorrow and darkness?
But in the morning
You get up
And you do it again
The way you do
And it does matter
It really does
Did you know that?
It does make a difference
You will probably never know
How much
Walk on
Beautiful soul
And know that YES
It is more than good enough

Carry On's

What will you choose
To carry with you?
Only what matters
I don't want to be lost
In the dark, the cold
But
I have your light
And
You have mine
There are times
When that's all there is
And maybe that
Is all we really need
To carry on

I Believe In Now

I see more than you think
Perhaps you could say the same
People like a sure thing
But life is messy
Doors open and close
Days tumble on
Colors of the heart
Music of the soul
Do you know
That some things
Will never be OK?
It's true, you know
That's why I believe
In now
And why I've come to believe
In embracing in this life
What is real, warm and beautiful
Moments of connection
Not to be taken lightly
Can build their own stairway
Believe
Love
Share

Losing Fear

Fear
Is wasted time
Clock ticks away
Moments lost
A choice
To live
In this moment
Yesterday will visit
With her consequences
And clean-ups
And we give her
What we must
This doesn't stop us
From taking NOW
Owning it
And building something
Real

A Walk With Friends

Fun, laughter
Shines a light
A connection, a smile
Touch, without meeting
Beautiful souls
Open, feels like......freedom
They get it
They get me
Passionate about life
Creative, authentic
Real
Rocking each new day
Just damned sweet
Hanging with you
A walk with friends
Truly
A moment to be thankful for

Thoughts From The Edge

Don't be dramatic
Keep it off others
It's not their problem
Take steps daily
Put in the work 
You'll get there
Never give up
You know what?
That's all true
And yes
I am strong
And YES
I will get there
But there are some days
When it seems so damned
Far away
When the obstacles
Feel insurmountable
They are pretty big, actually
That's the truth
But they CAN be conquered
I guess sometimes
I just get tired
Impatient
It's hard to stay on your perch
When you want to soar

War Zone

When the water's getting higher
And I don't mean just outside
You can't waste another moment
But you're standing in the muck
So deep, pulling at you
Strangest feeling, creeping over
Need to move
The feeling of time running out
Expiration dates
Limbs so heavy
Mind clouded
Where is the reality
That sets you free
Reach out a hand
Burned
Over and over
Don't you just keep going in
Again and again
Pasting the shards
And the torn pieces
Trying to find the picture
Always like a Picasso
Distorted but beautiful
Altered views
Shifting truths
What is this place you walk through?
Is reality within?
Or without?
Lost in a foreign land
For nowhere
Is home
Fully armored
But completely
Naked
Walking through a war zone
Seeking allies
An army of one
Just keep walking
Just keep walking

My Place

When I go inside
To the quiet places
There is a sunny spot
I am running, and dancing!
It is the most beautiful open field
The greenest grass, every kind of flower
Surrounded by forest
So many tall trees
Water rushing in the distance
Blue sky, slight breeze
I'm spinning, spinning
I love dancing
Nothing to slow me down
This place feels so good
I think perhaps
This place I visit now
In meditation
Is the place where the soul goes
When the temple of the body is done
Or at least maybe
It's my place

I See

I have said it before
I will tell you again
My gift
Given by the Mother
My words
And my sight
I can see your soul
Your essence
Sometimes in person
Or from a distance
Not one of you
Understands
How breathtakingly beautiful
Each of you are
But I do
And once I have seen you
Forever will I keep you
In my heart
For I cannot help
But love you

Burn Brightly

Multi-faceted
Like a gem
A song
Truth spoken
A soul
Unbroken
Fire
Not quenched
You KNOW
Who you are
Where is that place
In this world
Where you can shine
And be yourself
Freely
Fully
Unshackled
By the day to day
The mundane left behind
Never let them
Bring you down
The blind ones
Let your soul burn bright
Never give up
Each soul
Singular!
None like it
Share, speak, sing, play, create
BE
For there is no other
Like you

Hands

I saw the X-Ray
My  hands
Those are mine?
Mangled edges
Over-sized joints
Ugly bones

Hands have always fascinated me
They can hold a baby
Paint, or sculpt
I watch musicians, in awe of their skill
Those that speak with sign
Or create culinary wonders
So many wondrous things our hands can do
Working in tandem with our minds

My hands can write, or type
When the words come
Like yours, they can touch or be held
Dozens of other things
And despite my moment of surprise
I'm OK if they look a little funky

This makes me think
We're all a little broken like that
We are also beautiful
And when we open our hearts
We can do breathtaking things

So I can accept these hands
And be happy for each day

Warm Bread

A safe place
It feels nice here
Take no risks
Surrounded by the familiar
A comfort
Like warm bread
Such a place
Is a necessary retreat
In times of pain
To regroup, rest, or heal
But if we stay too long
We grow stale
Like that bread
If left out too long
Becoming brittle, crumbly
No longer soft and flexible
All things change
And we must also move
Leave our safe haven
And LIVE

Expectation

Quiet
But, with a sense
Of alertness
Something is close
Just beyond reach
What comes
A tingle on the skin
Our senses stretching
Beyond the sight of the eyes
But not that of the soul
Sssh!
Quiet the body, and the mind
Trust
Believe in that which you cannot see
KNOW IT
That which comes
It IS yours

Inner Voice

During the times
When we heard the Mother
And felt the Earth's heart
Beating in time with our own
We were consecrated
To this earth
Then came the day
When mankind decided
He no longer needed the Mother
Convinced of our own superiority
Blinded by ego
So few still hear Her speak
Truths, spoken on the wind
In the rustle through the treetops
Spoken in the sacred silence of the night
Shown through the continuous cycle of the seas
Continuity, a thread through all that lives
But we have blinded ourselves
And closed our ears
Still, though
She speaks
If we would but hear

Acceptance

I accept you
Where you are
I know
Why you are there
I know who
And what
I am
And in the knowing
There is peace
So be you
Just beautiful you
And I am happy
For us both

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Understanding

Achieving understanding
Is vital
Are there times
Do you suppose
When it isn't possible?
What then?
Do we reach
For a separate peace
Rather than embracing
A path of delusion?

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In My Heart

For all those I love:

My soul sees
And it knows
Then, my heart chooses
And it feels, deeply
Something in you
Connects with
Touches
A part of me
And, BOOM!
Now, you live
In my heart
It matters not
How we met
Or what roles we play
Friend, co-worker, partner
Your place is assured
Permanently
If I could
I would re-arrange
The cosmos
So that all good things
Come to you
And when I can't help
Or I am the cause of hurt
It is the very worst
Of pain
I only know how to be
This way
This is who I am
And this is how I love
All I ask
Is that you let me

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Is It Enough?

Avoiding it
That sensation
Creeping in
Around the edges
Like a balloon
Deflating slowly
Little pinholes
Caused by doubt
Direction
Strength
Belief
The question
Is it enough
If I am the only one
Who believes in me?
And in the quiet
The answer
YES

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Just As You Are

You're okay
Beautiful, in fact
Just as you are
You need only
Be
Stand
In the beauty
Of this day
No pretzel twists
Or acrobatics
Trying to please others
Or that voice in your head
With all it's "shoulds"
Squander not your energy
On what doesn't matter
Accept YOU
Rejoice in right NOW
Just as it is
And the sheer force
Of your soul
Shining forth the light
You are no longer blocking
Will carry you
To your dreams
And beyond

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You Are

You are not your past
You are not what they say you are
You are not your situation
Nor your surroundings
You are more
Than your self-imposed limitations
More than their stilted rules
And fear-governed mores
You
Are
YOU
Set yourself free
Be everything you can imagine
And more than you ever yearned for
Be
Be
BE
Don't apologize
Surround yourself
With those who live passionately
And send those who cannot
Handle you
Off on their own separate path
With light
Respect your journey
Love fiercely
And without reservation
No matter the cost
Encourage others
Never stop playing
Laugh often
Be you
Freely you
Now

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New Life

Freedom
Truth
Self-acceptance and love
Regardless of what others think
Determination, comittment
The courage to face the rough spots
A soul glowing brightly
To help you see your dreams
The heart to persevere, believe
And make those dreams a reality
And a spirit of joy
To have fun along the way

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Beautiful Soul (for pK)

True
Beautiful
Inside and out
Not shouting to be noticed
But never hiding
Strong
Often silent
Frequently funny
Quietly brilliant
Thoughtful
Doesn't speak just for effect
Heart revealed in music
Passionate
Believer
On a journey
Offers what builds up
Cautious with other's feelings
Real
Genuine
No games
Beautiful soul, shine your light

For pK :)

A Moment At The Bottom

It's not about being afraid
It isn't about lack of determination
Faced the now
Destination certain
No excuses, no cop-outs
No long-winded explanations
Not looking for sympathy
A process begun a year ago
Along the way, finding unexpected treasure
So amazing, so precious
Working to balance it all
It truly is complicated
That's a straight-up bare fact
So many layers and details to untangle
So many!
Like a fish with many hooks attached
It will happen
It IS happening
Nothing to slow me down
Except
When those I love
Tear me down
Intentionally
Or unintentionally, thoughtlessly
No
I'm not looking for sympathy
I'm strong
And I can do this
I am doing this
But damn
My feelings run deep
I don't know any other way to be
So when you aim those sharp barbs
Each and every time
They hurt
Oh, damn
They really hurt
Brings out the worst in me
I start aiming my own arrows
And I can feel my soul
Emptying
And the joy, the hope
A bit of the drive
That intrinsic BELIEF
That says I can do this
That tells me to keep going
It seeps away from me
And I have to scramble
And fight to keep head above water
That's what it feels like
When those barbs hit me
Because when I love someone
What they think
Really
Matters
It hurts that maybe
You don't believe in me
But NO
NO
I'm not giving up
Never
Journey begun
Changing daily
Future claimed
Mine

Symptoms

Eyes closed
Let it wash over me
I can feel it
In my chest
My heart
It actually skips a beat
And I hold my breath
For a split second
This is so huge
At times
I run out of places
To put it
This sweet, exquisite pain
That I would never give up
Even while it devours me alive
Seeking expression
Lest I drown
Thou terrible bliss
That I would never have cured

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CAGE

Why do we hide?
We like our rules
We WANT to be controlled
Sitting in our safe little boxes
We climb in those cages
Willingly
As long as they're gilded
Don't you see
A beautiful cage
IS STILL A CAGE
If you turn off the TV
Stop the shopping
Quit filling your face
And OPEN YOUR EYES
See yourself
And this world
EASY?  No, it's not
Worth it?  Oh, yes.
Warning: Courageous souls only
But remember
A bird is meant to soar
And you can't soar
From inside a cage

The Encounter

Eye contact
Cosmic
He never spoke aloud
But in my head
I heard it
"Hang in there queenie"
I felt that down to my bones
Deep down
And there was a whole story
A lifetime
Revealed in just those four words
And I knew he was right
Ain't he been walkin'
So much longer than me?
And don't he just play with the words
Just like he owns them all?
Truth shaman
Speaking our souls
Girl's gonna take that to heart
Keep it inside
With much gratitude

Hooked In

When you realize
The connection
When you trust
The knowledge
When you believe
In your power
You can live
In the current
Play with the wind
Dance in the rain
Be that soul
You're hooked in
Now that's how life
Should be lived

Inspiration

The brightest light
Drive
Comittment
Putting everything on the line
Watch them
When they open up
And discover
Themselves
Amazed suddenly
At what they can do
The gift of witnessing
Such a moment

Let Go (Be)

We try to grasp
That which is solid
When really
Nothing is permanent
Beginnings,and endings
Moments remembered
We go visit them
When we are alone
Picking those beautiful scabs
Because the pain
Lets us feel something
Choosing this
Instead of a present moment
Lived fully
Choices, directions
Stand in the sun
Of your own soul
Believing it is yours
And know that all else
Will happen
Abbreviated, condensed
We try to cram it in
Striving for control
When we should simply
Let go
All that is required
Of you
And of me
Only this
BE

It's Yours

How long it took

For you to leave behind old ways

And come into your power 

As a woman

You can afford to trust it 

Because it's all yours now

In your mind's eye

Living in your heart

Reality, self-created

There's no need to fight

Stand, connected to the truth

Of your own life

And what you will make of it

Turning around

Over and over 

Beginnings and endings

One continuous line 

Peace and power

Fight

We all do battle
Just for different reasons
Simple survival
Injustice
Pride
Revenge
To get out from under
To find a way out
For remembrance
In hopes that we'll forget
Some try to cleanse their soul
There's always a reason
A pure reckoning
When it's a challenge
Every day
You
Against
The world
Adversaries
Some without
Oh, but many more
Attack from within
Can you ever win?
Most importantly
I think it's about
What you carry with you
In your heart
Every day
Into the battle
I can see your soul
This is my gift
Given by the Mother
I see your fight
And I have my own
Time continues it's march
Our days turn over, and over
Like leaves on the wind
Light follows darkness
And again
We fight on

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Your Move

Beacons of  light
Startled, rubbing my eyes
The bastions of eternity
Sitting, rubbing coat sleeves
Wire rimmed glasses
And leather patched elbows
The scent in the air
Tastes of metal
The acrid, wonderful horror
Is this what you expected to find?
Did you think we would be here?  Did you?!
When will you make a decision?
Make the energy go
And leave us to our peace
For now it is YOUR MOVE

The Dedication

She stands on a covered bridge
The river flowing beneath
Utter simplicity
But in the stillness
An unmistakable undercurrent
Of power
A moment both mystical
And grounded fully in reality
Commemorate the journey begun
The lessons of the past
Honored
Now moving on
The ring, an offering
A promise
To her own soul
And to this place
That has captured her heart
It has chosen her
Given her a gift
The promise
It sparkles in the sun
Just under the water's surface
As the sun sets
She looks toward a new day
Tomorrow

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Come With Me (for dh)

I shall climb
To places I have never been
Come with me
I wilk walk
Where I never imagined I'd go
Come with me
I will find peace, and laughter
In simple moments
Come with me
Let me hear wind and water
Whisper their secrets to me
Come with me
I will sing songs
Because it feels good
Play them with me
Let me open my wings
Finally taking flight
Soar with me

(To dh)

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Throwing In

A stone
Thrown into the river
Knows not
Where it will come to rest
In the same way
I throw myself
Into this river
Gladly, willingly
The current
Taking me where it shall

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The Treasure

A treasure
Unlike any other
It's match
Not to be found
Connection profound
Inexorable
And should we not
Move heaven and earth
Gladly
Not knowing the future
In order to hold it close?

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Art

Here in this place
Where mountain fed stream
Gurgles within feet
Of the art
Created by human hands
I am struck by
The truth of art
In all it's forms
The silvery reflection
Of sunlight off the water
The balletic grace
As the stream goes it's way
These find a home
In the fluid lines
Of the unique sculptures
That I see around me
A fiery red hue kisses a leaf's tip
Echoed in a painting
A woman's lips
She awaits her lover
The poet wants
To capture this blinding, joyful
Orchestra of beauty
To use simple words
To express what they cause
Inside
The words are never adequate
Though the poet writes on....

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Teagle's Landing

The sound of the water
People walking by
A little traffic
Just a sweet pause
I am at peace just now
Filled
Delighted

Belief, so strong
The truth
Will live, shine
Abundant energy
Fed by moments like these
Stillness
Where truth lives

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St. Albion - Common Thoughts

St. Albion has a pretty town common.  This is really your quintessential quaint little New England town. The buildings are red brick, or painted white. There are people walking around, talking and laughing.  In front of me, a beautiful array of flowers, in every imaginable color, blows in the crisp breeze.  A few feet away, some kids are skateboarding.

It's getting a bit chilly, but I'm not ready to leave just yet.  I pull Patrick's old coat closer around me.  He has officially given it to me now.  He used to wear it during his days in high school band.  I was in the "Music Parents".  We both had a lot of fun in those days. I remember he wore it when the Winter Percussion did "Led Zeppelin". So amazing! Wearing this coat always feels like a hug. Good stuff.

Just now, I'm remembering a moment when I was in the 5th grade, at Maple St. School.  I spent every day at recess with two other friends.  We had so much fun!  We would talk, laugh, and play games together.  Until the day it was over.  I started to notice a lot of "inside jokes" and they began to avoid me.  Finally they just told me to get lost.  I sat on the monkey bars, swinging my feet back and forth.  What had I done?  I never did find out.  I simply didn't belong.  We all have those stories, it's a part of growing up.

The question is, why am I suddenly remembering that now, sitting here on St. Albion town common?  I haven't thought about or cared about that memory in so many years!  Like most people, I moved on and made other friends, just part of being a kid.

Upon reflection though, I have a tendency to fall HARD....for people in general.  I always have.  Whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship, I'm not halfway.  I get really invested.  When I love you, I LOVE you, in whatever capacity the relationship is. I guess lately I've actually had a few times when I've hit a place where I just wasn't sure of the person on the other end, you know?  I wasn't consciously aware of this weak spot until I really thought about it while driving up here today.

I don't like it.  I'm in my 40's and here I am revisiting a stupid moment from the 5th grade that I haven't thought about in years!  Decades!  WTF?  It's embarrassing and idiotic. Really, though, I guess I should give myself a break.  There are worse things than realizing that I love people deeply and that this sometimes gets me in trouble.   Still, right at this moment, sitting on St. Albion town common, it feels just the tiniest bit like a cut, or a wound and it stings.

It really is getting cold.  I love this coat.

Only Me

I am only me, after all
This is my walk
And there is much
Much!
That you do not know
I am changing
I have determination
My dreams are coming true
Every day, I take steps
To make that happen
No lack of courage here
No fear of consequences
Simply, a great deal of work
That must be done
Oh! If only it were simple
It would have been complete
Long ago
Beautiful, sweet, synchronicity!
I am strong
And I know, I see
That it is happening
And so I walk
Meeting beautiful souls
Offering love, support
And belief
I in them, and they in me
But I see
That sometimes
I am not enough
I say too much, I don't say enough
I say the wrong thing
And so I disappoint
You cut me down
Assume the worst
And then, when I am hurt
You can make fun of me
Well, I am only me, after all
And if I disappoint, I am sorry
Walking my walk
Pushing and changing
Seeking those
Who want to share light, too
I cannot tell you
Whether to walk with me
Or not
I am only me, after all

Senses

If you stand silently
In the woods
Clear your mind
See the colors
Listen to the breeze
The bird calls
Inhale the scent of pine
Touch the rough surface
Of the rock where you sit
You need nothing more
In order to learn
What nature has
To teach you today

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Flaws

Our flaws
Scars, and weak spots
I don't believe
They make us less
No
We are changed
In moving through
Each experience we have
There is bravery
And grace in this
Regret no piece
Of yourself
Know this
You are beautiful
And amazing
Exactly the way you are

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Green, Blue and White

I stand among trees
Surrounded
Craning my neck
I look straight up
Like when I was a little girl
Green, blue and white
Green leaves against
A crisp, blue
Late summer sky
Fluffy white clouds
Drifting slowly by
Colors so vivid
They almost hurt
The eyes
I look
And I am changed

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The Gift

A gift
Given freely
Exchanged
Without condition
Blows through your soul
Like a cleansing wind
Someone believes
Unequivocally
And it sets you free
Regardless of what else
You may have to face
You carry this inside you
And it makes all the difference

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The Music of Morning

The slight breeze
Dances through the trees
Making a rustling sound
Still some crickets
Sounding off
From the hidden shady places
Birds call to each other
Startled, a chipmunk sees me
And scampers off
Rewarding me
With an annoyed squeak
Almost time for your nap
Little one
Incoming!
Acorns fall every few moments
From overhead
I brought my hat!
The only sound
That doesn't belong
Cars in the distance
The music of morning
No I-pod required

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Hanging On

I see now
There is a difference
Between
Living fully in a moment
Experiencing it
Because you chose it
And simply
Hanging on
To the familiar
Out of fear

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Soul

Go ahead
Throw open
Your soul
Let it out
To Breathe
Dance
In the rain
Question not
The truth it speaks to you
Embrace it
Walk forward
BE the beautiful thing
That your soul tells you
That you are
It will be terribly difficult
Overwhelming
And
The most heartstopping
Moving
Truthful
Glimpse into perfect beauty
That you will ever experience
Go
Now
Do it

Time In The Quiet Places

The peace found
In the quiet places
Time
In the natural world
Breath of mother earth
The scent of the plants
Near the river
The sound
Of rushing water
Connection
With all things
Heart beating
In rhythm
With all that lives
So simple
To find the truth
In these moments
The trick
To take it with you
When you leave
The quiet

The Line

Where is the line

Between compromise

And capitulation

Is there a place

That is clearly labelled

"Too Far"

Go Beyond Here 

And you will lose

Yourself

No

We must all decide

For ourselves

The spirit must be free 

Belonging

In that moment of quiet
Search inside
The answers are there
In facing them
There is peace
Truth
Despite the love
All around her
From so many
She belongs
Only
To herself
Strong
And whole

What Do I Bring?

I ask myself
Often
Do I add
Anything good
To your life
Or
Is there
Honestly
More difficulty
Than anything else
I wonder
What is truly in your heart
When you think of me
And whether
In truth
You might be much better off
If I were gone

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Game Over (Creep)

Deep and Profound
Unexpected
In fact
A game changer
Naturally
I react badly
Fear
That it's not real
When it's changed me
Down to the molecular level
Now
That I have spoken
The question
Game over?

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Always Strong

Always
Handles what's important
Alone
Resolution
Within the self
Leaning
On no one
Always she finds
She is the stronger one
Never found
Flame to match flame
Self-contained
Independent
Wonders
Will it always be so
She is strong enough
Oh, yes
But wouldn't it be nice
Once
For a brief moment
To lean

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Shine

Amazed!
The smile comes
Bubbles up
From the inside
Source within
Decision
Daily
Quivers the lips
Reaches the eyes
Tingles the skin
Oh how beautiful to be
Shine!

The Coffee Men

A group of men
Sit nearby
The comfortable camaraderie
Of many years
I don't know the language
But it is beautiful
Tripping off their tongues
So I close my eyes
Listening to the music of it
Or perhaps it's poetry
I like the way it feels in my ears

Sisters

You're sisters, I think
Your dark eyes
Mannerisms
The frame of your face
So similar
Laughing
Animated, talking
Mom's bringing a treat
Hold on to this
Sweet girls
Small moments
Seemingly unimportant
That hold
The entire world

Artist

I have been so very lucky in my life to be friends with many artists.  You are musicians, photographers, writers, painters, street artists, sculptors, dancers, and so many more.  This poem is dedicated to all of you, with much love and gratitude, from one who has been changed forever by the gift that you are.


Beautiful eyes
So expressive
It's all there
Shining
When I look at you
You don't do anything
Halfway
Do you?
Passion for life
And when you share
What you have inside
You burn so bright
I understand
It's not always easy
In those moments
When you feel
Like giving up
Always remember
You are such a gift
To those around you
Keep shining
Beautiful, unique soul
You may never truly know
The difference you make

Hey, Mom?

A mother's face
Looks up
Smiling
Daughter's eyes
Questioning
Small details
The everyday
She gives an answer
Such a simple thing
Warmth
Between parent and child
She does this
Dozens of times a day
For years
And glad of it
Somehow
A beautiful person
Supported by
A thousand such moments
Makes her way
Into the world
To pay it forward

The Beautiful Thing

I think
It doesn't need
Resolution
In fact
I think
That I get to keep it
Enjoy having it inside
I don't need to control it
Or shape it
No need for definition
One part of me
Like so many other
Beautiful things
That this life has gifted me with
Like pieces of colored glass
Or gems
Reflect the sunlight
And when combined
Create a beautiful mosaic
Really
What a breathtaking color
The beautiful thing is

Lover's Mantra

I love you
I believe in you
I will hold you in my heart
Forever

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Why Do You Speak?

Voiceless
Invisible
For so long
Hidden
By choice
Not acquainted
With the person
Inside
A journey begun
To find me
And my path
Now a year
Since he played
Those beautiful blues
So much learned
I found my voice
Defined so many things
I thought I knew
What I was running from
And running to
Now
Honestly
I'm not sure
Still seeking balance, it seems
I feel lost, actually
But in a good way
All I'm sure of now
Is that I have a voice
And that my art, my passion
Must guide my decisions
But no more
Will I speak
Simply to be heard
You will not find me
Acting
Only to be seen
A spirit that does not
Move beyond the self
Is destined to dry up
So now
To take what I've learned
About me
My world
And where I fit
And build
The thing I see in my head
My intent
To live my passion
Love and help others
To speak and act
When there is need
And to embrace the quiet
And the stillness
When there is not

Frankly, I hesitated to even post this.  I have said so much that I am tired of hearing me.  I can only imagine some of you are, too.  But this is how I process things I've learned.  The lessons in the poem above were a long time coming, and were really hammered home to me in several different ways over the last week.  Thank you again for stopping by.  Blessed be.

Changes (The Lunatic)

Perhaps
You think me
A lunatic
Too fucked up
For comprehension
And honestly
After the journey
Of the last year
I can understand that
I've made countless changes
With more to come
Seemingly endless
I am determined, and joyful
Because I can see it
So I know it is real
At times over this year
I've made a mess
So unprepared was I
For open
To those on whom
I have spilled my soul's overflow
If I have hurt you
I am truly, honestly sorry
I would not hurt you
For all the world
Some of you have shined
Such a light
And I am forever grateful
My journey continues
Creating life anew each day
Walking forward, eyes open
No hiding
I am not one
Who can skim the surface of life
Please know
For all who have been a part
Of this journey
I love you
So much more
Than I have the capacity
To show

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Freedom

Today
I release expectations
My expectations of others
So often, people have
No self-awareness around
What they do and why
So established are the patterns
You see, I know my path
What I want and need
I can see it, it is real
So I continue to untangle
And take apart
That which I built so long
Many of you
Have no concept
Of the complexity
I act on my reality
Every day
So now
By releasing expectations
On all but myself
I create sweet freedom
I am free to live
And to love, unfettered
When I want something
I create it
But no more do I hang
My hopes and dreams
Nor my need for happiness
Like an anchor
Around anyone else's neck
These are precious
And they belong to me
They are real
And they are happening
Today, I walk in freedom
As I create my world anew
I will love freely, and feel deeply
With all that I am
For I can love no other way
Expecting much - of myself only
Tasting of life
And accepting with gratitude
The joy that life has to offer

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Refocus

Refocus
Seriously....
I think I should
Write a book
So often have I
Had to gather
My soul streams
From the four winds

Still
Moving forward
Taking steps
Is a good thing
For dreams remain fantasy
Without action

There are times
When you must release
That which you
Cannot resolve
Release
In order that
You not hold anyone else
Or yourself back

Trust
Shared light will be honored
It will be
What it is meant to be
Regardless
Of all of your efforts
To control, analyze
And understand

Walk your walk
Speak your truth
Share light
Harm none

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Honesty

Questioning
I believed
All honesty
Is a good thing
Now
I'm not certain
Are there times
When you should
Hold back, not speak?
I have never believed it
In fact, I have fought it!
Sometimes
Even a beautiful truth
Can cause problems
And so now
I question
Are some things
Better kept
In the heart?
And, unbelievable!
I consider
That for a time, at least
I will consider very carefully
Before I speak
The question.....
Can I still be me?

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The Dance

Wings open
Against the sky
Reflected in the water's surface
Two
Joined in silent understanding
Each movement
Perfect synchronicity
Connected
But not touching
Their dance
Between the clouds
And the earth
Profoundly beautiful
A work of art
Flying together
Then separating for a time
Each in different directions
Rejoining once again
At once together
And apart
The beauty of their dance
Witnessed from the earth below
Remains

Random Thoughts At Summer's End

These are just my own insights - take them or leave them. They're things that are true for me or random observations.

1. You can't help someone by hiding the truth from them.

2. There are so many different shades of green in nature!  Have you looked?

3. When in doubt, give it a shot.  At the very least, you'll gain experience and you may accomplish much  more!

4. Never bury or deny love.  It is beautiful and worth it, whatever comes of it.

5. Be grateful for true friendship.

6. High end whiskey is a very good thing.

7. Follow your dreams now.  Tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

8. Belief, intent, and synchronicity all produce results - when they go hand in hand with commitment and hard work.

9.  You really do have to put everything on the line if you want it.

10. Not everyone is going to "get you" and that's OK.

11. I had to ask my best friend to explain "4:20" to me.  Sheltered much?

12. Chris Whitley's entire album "Living With The Law" is an aphrodisiac.

13. Don't sit in a cubicle for too long.  Create a plan.  Really.

14. Make sure you know where the line is between compromise and capitulation for you.  This one is important.

15. People who work for FEMA work ridiculously hard.  Really - you have no idea!!

16.Jeff Buckley.  'Nuff said.

17. My mom ("Little Vivvie") is amazing. She has so many stories from her early life, I am so lucky to be able to sit and listen.

18. Artists of all kinds need and deserve our support.  They open our eyes, help us face the truth, and change the world, usually at great personal cost on multiple levels.  When I think about this, it just stops me in my tracks, and I am amazed and grateful.

19. Open is still really, really difficult, but way more fun than closed and so incredibly worth it.

20. Reality is the best place to live

21. People who love you for who you are, unconditionally, are rare in this life. Treasure them.

22. I often wonder if someone stopped all coffee shipments to the United States if we'd all just come to a stop and be unable to function?

23.  Laugh.  Way more.  Loudly.  Make people stare.  Just enjoy yourself.

24. I really need to get to the beach way more.  More beach, more often.

Afraid?

Look away
Avoid it
Change the subject
Log off
Sign out
Obsess on minor details
Make love to tradition
Turn it up
Turn it on
Fill it
Empty it
Talk yourself out of it
Do whatever you have to
Each and every one of you
To get through the day
But this is me, unequivocally
AND I AM NOT AFRAID

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Only The Brave / Starting at Zero

I dare you
Throw out your compass
Leave your crutches behind
Cease, no excuses or justifications
What you need is inside of you
Unavoidable
Your choice
Walk forward
This journey
Not for pussys
Either walk forward
Be unequivocally you
Or
Go back
Shut your mouth
And your eyes
Hide, and be numb
Forgotten

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The Road You Choose

Haven't you just
Painted yourself
Into a corner
Such tight parameters
Insanely high expectations
I see you
Swimming upstream
Valiant effort
Is this what you want
Do you even know
You run from the truth
That I bleed
Because it makes you
Look at yourself
Day will come
Where we will not be able
To hide
When things go wrong
You don't have room for it
No place to put it
You're already maxed out
How long
Can you keep going like this
It hurts to watch

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Yes, I'm Doing That

Yes, I'm fucking with your reality
Yes, it's uncomfortable
And, I'll even admit
That I find it to be
"Not altogether unamusing."
Because I know how it feels, too
Truth is, I'm not doing this
To be a confrontational ass
That's just a free bonus
I am making my life
What I want it to be
In the process
Those close to me
Are affected
I'm sorry if that is difficult
But, I am not turning back
I can't tell you what to do
But if I were you
I'd make it what
Makes you happy

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Yes, It IS For You

There are times in life
That despite intent
Strong belief
And lessons learned
We have an opportunity
A job, a relationship, a new interest
Some new passion
That ignites a spark
Something beautiful, amazing
Perhaps even life changing
I've been there
And I've watched others, too
Old habits, patterns
Pull us back
For some, self-righteousness
An internal set of rules
Expired, stilted and limiting
Others can't believe
That this could be for them
They don't feel worthy
Some have been hurt
And the fear of that pain
Makes them hold back
It's like choosing Dinty Moore
Over something fresh and real
But I've done it
Countless times, we all have
So today I say YES
I say to myself
And to all of you
Believe
You ARE worth it
Don't miss out
On something that was
Meant for you
Let's push past our fear
And live for today

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I Know My Heart

I know my heart
Filled, to overflowing
Bubbling up
Spilling over
All day and night
Endlessly
What I don't know
Is yours

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Changing

Sometimes, you get these moments of clarity, when a truth hits you.

Lately, I've let loose verbally a few times, either in person or on Twitter. Each time, I've looked back on the situation and I'm horrified and sad at what I've done.

In sitting and really looking at this, I do see a pattern. In each case, I was either hurt, scared, or felt rejected.

There was a time in the past when those feelings made me pull back. I felt small, and I would pull away, trying to shrivel up and hide, disappear.

Well, I'm not big on hiding anymore. It's like I broke a bad pattern, but replaced it with something much worse. And I'm a wordsmith, so when I lash out, I can be nasty.  I can't go around being mean and hurtful to people. I won't let this continue.

So, from now on when I feel like that, I am going to turn it outward. I'm going to do something positive for someone else. It's a good pattern, I think.

Hey, talk is cheap. I know. So I am going show this in action.

To those I've spit venom at, I could not be more sorry.

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Ends

Maybe it was all those years in church youth groups, all that togetherness. Let's call it Kumbayah syndrome. 

I always try to achieve agreement, resolution Now.  I'm thinking it doesn't work that way.

As we all walk our paths, if we do that in an honest, authentic way, if we live our passion, work hard and not give up, then we will end up with a life we love.

But maybe it's just unrealistic, naive to think we can take everyone with us.  Not every friendship is forever, lovers come and go. Not all connections continue. Some things just end, and we keep walking

I guess that's life.

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Out Of My Way

Stay the fuck
Out of my way
I'm through pretending
That I care about
Anyone's else's opinion
I'm doing this my way
Call me quirky, crazy
Tell me that I share too much
Crazy rock and metal fan
What was she thinking, a nose piercing?
Really?  All those concerts?
The clothes, the politics....
Did you hear?  She doesn't go to church anymore!
The funny thing is
Those things are tiny
Compared to what's coming
You're all so funny
I freak you out
I used to feel bad about that
You know what?
For ANYONE
IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME
The way I am
Then go sit on the bench, pussy
Where the scared ones stay
This is called
Embracing life
The victories and the awful mistakes
They're all mine
I'm going to live my life

Myself

I'm just me
Finding my path
I'm happy
Comfortable in my own skin
I clean up my own shit
I want change, and I make it happen
I haven't asked for a fucking thing
From any of you
Not one thing
The important things
I handle on my own
Always have
Always will
Self-sufficiency
That's how it's done

Fun

I'm constantly amazed
At how much fun
Everyday is
Now that my eyes are open
Now that I've fired my Editor
And burned my filters
Lost all those rules
That keep everyone else
Comfortable
Seeing differently
Wanting to see even more
Stripped down
To only what matters
Damn
I was blind
And now I see
Beautiful
Life really is
A fucking blast

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Space to Breathe

Sitting in this quiet place
Sweet peace washes over
Allowing honesty and truth
The space to breathe
Honoring the real
Baby steps no more
Strength, now
Reflections of the self
As the trees in the water
Dragonfly stops by
Lands right on me
Time stops
Message received
Though unspoken
Despite the work ahead
She is finally
At peace

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Word Visions

Eyes closed
Visions come
Hair, soft on shoulders
Kissed by the wind
Swirling lil' groove
Slowly bubbles up from inside
Shall we put it into words
Paint colorful word symbols
Or take it to nerve endings
Honor it, one way
Or the other
Poetry
Or skin
All the same

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Skin and Spirit

Do we walk right through
Fear to live what we know
Looking at the sky
As if the answers might fall
When we've got them right inside
Paint ourselves into a corner
We like our fences
They make us feel safe
Keep the fear at bay
I know it's not like I thought
But damn, baby
There ain't nothin' either
We're human
But we're afraid to be
So we make rules
And conventions
Parameters, little boxes
Is there really any sanctity
Or is there only life
One and the same
The feeling comes
In the early morning
All I can think of
Is truth, and need
The Body speaks
And the Spirit hears
When we're skin to skin
Is that the truth
Will this feeling leave me
If we fuck
The sanctity
That comes of being
Throw off your fear
Let go of the parameters
The things you were taught to avoid
That's exactly where it lives
The questions will always come
And the moments
Will keep spilling over
Falling on you
Like so many raindrops
Some days they'll pour
Gasping for breath, likely to drown
The answer isn't up there
It's not anywhere
Outside
It's inside of you
Where you want the real to be
So much to feel, too many words
There isn't enough poetry in the universe
To contain
What the poet feels today

I Am

There was a time
When my self-esteem
Hung on what others thought
Only happy
If I weighed well
In their eyes
No reflection of my own
And now
The road has changed
Of my own making
My choice
I am different
Strong
I walk my own path
There is no one
Who completes me
None who are the missing piece
To my puzzle
I am complete
All on my own
I know myself
And I walk my road
Seek to cause no harm
Just being me
There is freedom in this
To all whom I love
Let us be
An open book
Accepting
Believing in the other
The knowledge
Of one who knows me
And chooses to be in my life
In whatever capacity
Just as I have chosen you
This is who I am
I offer you the same gift
Openness
Love, loyalty
Unswerving, unequivocal
Belief in you
I only know how
To love
This way
I am unapogetically me
You may choose to stay
Or go
As you wish
I send you love
And light
Regardless of your choice

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It's Not Complicated

Life isn't that complicated

Or, shall we say 

It doesn't need to be

Tho' for a long time

I made it so

Now I've got to untangle

All that string

But it's all good

It's happening

The way it should 

I know who I am now

Comfortable 

In my own quirky skin

Hey, I know

Not everybody is thrilled

With how I walk it now

But this is who I am 

It always was 

Not hiding it anymore

So yeah

I'm impulsive sometimes

Feel every damn thing strongly

I bleed words

I haven't quite found my filters

Since I found "open"

In fact, I haven't decided if I want any

I'm gonna sidle up next to life

And make love to it 

Until it begs for mercy

Laugh when it's funny

And sometimes when it's not 

Being irreverent 

Doing what I love

Writing

Loving my music

Doing things

That scare the hell out of me

Because everybody should

And if I love you

Then watch out

It won't always be easy

I'm sorry for that 

But I'm balls to the wall loyal

I'll always have your back

I'm just enjoying life

Having fun being me

No

It's really NOT complicated

Who knew?

Shall I

Shall I
Tell you
Do you
Really want to know

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A Simple Life?

Tea and fruit
A simple repast
Quiet of the mind
Needed clarity
Details, seemingly endless
So little is actually needed
Abiding love
Profound, so deep
Unequivocal
The thread underneath
She is surrounded
By the clamour
Seaweed around her ankles
But as it has always been
The soul within
Walks alone
Strong enough?
Oh yes!
Walk in truth
She will
To live free
The only choice
Costs counted
Intent and action
She says
Yes
To Life
On her own terms

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Micros On The Day (From Twitter) Aug2012

Where is the quiet sacred place / the peace / of cool night breezes / lightly covered / stars above / rest until refreshed 

The feeling of skimming / as a stone / across the surface / a sort of / hovering above / just slightly disconnected / where to land?

Slipping in and out / alternate universes / she allows herself / to fly / in the space between / where no one sees

Grasp a cup of morning / Awakening / A new dawn / Gratitude / Energy / Appreciation / Let this day / Be your art

Morning always comes / Soft around the edges / The web of night's fog / Dream remnants / Quietly sit / Let reality creep in / Slowly

Friendship

Friendship
Comes in many forms
Sometimes, it's a hummingbird
A quick, unexpected greeting
Bringing a burst
Of bright, sweet color
Delight!
It can be a quiet presence
Sitting by your side
When words fail
And all seems lost
Friendship comes as truth
Blowing through
Like a hurricane
Bringing needed disorder
When you need to see
What is real
It's a smirk, a smile
An out of control laugh
Seeing the humor
In the everyday
Inspiration in the sharing
Words, feelings, experiences
Life, lived
It pours the wine
Cuts you off
Helps you clean up your mess
Tells you the truth
But never condemns
Forgives your weaknesses
Enjoys getting in trouble
With you
Celebrates your victories
Friendship. It "gets you"
It arrives as compassion
When you aren't your best self
It's always up for an adventure
Friendship believes in you
In who you are
And what you do
Unequivocally
It KNOWS
That you are beautiful
And amazing
In spite of your faults
Friendship
When we are lucky
Enough to find it
It is one of the single most
Profoundly beautiful
Experiences in life
When I use the word friend
I do not throw it around
Lightly
I am so grateful
For all of the friends
That I have in my life

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Coffee, Car Keys and Bliss

Pour a coffee
Greet a friend
Ask yourself
If this will end
Car keys, groceries, feed the cat
Inside your head
Where are you at
Drive to work, pay the bills
Find a way to fix their ills
Graceful exits, in the game?
Putting faces to the names
Just a series of ins and outs
Face or ignore them
All your doubts
Awaken one day
A subtle shift
Every moment
Such a gift
Give them love, and send them light
But enable not their weakness tonight
A new way to walk
A pushing back
Finding freedom, no more lack
Some will stay, and some will go
Seek not to harm
The natural flow
Speaking what is on the heart
Taking up your rightful part
Live today

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Now

Some they hang on
To what they don't need
Others, they judge
To the last
All I desire
To live in the now
And never the future or past

Mystic Fire, Sacred Pain (For Bradford)

Are you living in the mainstream
And do you even want to be
Are you fearful of aloneness
Do you struggle to be free
Do your eyes refuse to see it
The truth before their view
Can you ever hope to touch it
Or will it never come to you
Do the people really see you
Behind your outer shell
Can they glimpse what you are hiding
In your quiet, private hell
Is your heart completely broken
Can you teach your soul to soar
Or does that mask you wear prevent you
From ever opening the door
When the mystic fire evades you
And the beautiful seems far
Can you hear the sacred music
There within your shuttered jar

If the real does not entice you
And the dream cannot be touched
Will you ever find your place
Can you let go of your crutch
You think there's safety in your hiding
And you do not see the harm
If you cannot join the world soon
I'm afraid you might be gone
Pieces of your life go by
Like leaves upon the wind
And you make no move to stop them
And you cannot see the sin
If a word can make us human
Then a touch can make us whole
I can hear your inner crying
And I know what's on your soul
Can we feel I AM within us
Can we let ourselves exist
In the morning of our suffering
We begin to see what is
Live on

We Can Do Better

If we show them
Only our contempt
How can we ever
Connect
Yes, live
Unapogetically self
Build it
Challenge each other
Without judgement
Understanding, respect
Without losing the self
Is this petty fighting
Name calling
And tearing down
What we want
For ourselves
And our children
They feed us
What we clamor for
Stop settling for less
I say demand more
Change your expectations
No, we aren't there now
I know I'm not
But together
We can do better
Yes, we can

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Obscene

There's a special brand
Of obscenity
In being at the same crossroads
More than once
How many times
Will you stand here
And walk backward
Taking the safe road
Dying more inside
Every time
So much wasted time
You know what you want
The future to be
But calling it the future
Means you don't have to
Act on it now
The situation is never
Going to be ideal
No perfect time
Is ever going to exist
You know what you want
And what you need
On every level
Created a special hell
For yourself by defining it
In such detail, but acting on
Such a small part
Like putting a band-aid
On a gunshot wound
Time to stop living from
The land of fear, duty and guilt
And act

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Yes To Life

My voice, not silenced
My soul, still bright
Eyes, clear now
For the first time
In so very long
I will fear not
The shadows without
Nor the darkness within
It is a part of me
Alongside the light
Yin and yang
Strength, vision, purpose
Determination
Yes, I say yes
To life
Following my passion
I will see this through
I take action
I do not give up easily
No hiding
This is mine
Mine to live
So much that is good
And beautiful
And so I walk it
My own way, finally
To be judged not
By anyone
Yes, mine to live
And live it, I AM

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Thank You

Many have shined a light
On my path
Over the last year
It has been difficult
Harder than I could have imagined
But beautiful
So many learnings
I know that I made a mess
More than once
And the grace
Of your friendship
In the face
Of my struggles
And trip-ups
Is amazing to me
So many of you
Sharing so many beautiful lessons!
I could not have made these changes
Without you
I have learned so much
This year
Honoring and walking
What I've learned this year
Is how I will thank you all
For the gift you have given me
As I begin a new chapter
Much love to you

Believe In You

The smallest things
Tiny in creation's vast array
Each has it's place
Necessary, beautiful
Life
Is never insignificant
Forever precious
In the same way
YOU are creation
Wondrous
Always know this
And BELIEVE in you

Earth's Invitation

An invitation
Spoken by the Mother
Heard within the breeze
Beautiful calligraphy
Upon the water's surface
Come
Live
Know that you ARE
Be
No need to chase it
It is within
Understand this
Beautiful child
You are a part
Always connected
Held and loved
Sunlight's kiss
My good morning to you
And the stars at night, evening's breeze
The lullaby I sing to you
Know that in every moment
That you breathe
That you are loved

Dragonfly Chase

I come here
Once a week
And always
You stop by
Dodging, hovering
Teasing
As you dart back and forth
I try and capture your image
But you're too fast for me
Iridescent wings
Effortless, hovering
Change direction with such ease
Perhaps I have not learned
All of your lessons
But I will
And then!
You must let me hold your image
For but a moment
It's only fair
My beautiful friend

Summer's Child

My hair has grown long enough now that I find myself twirling it between my fingers all the time.  Anyone who knows me will tell you this is a habit that goes back a long time.  I have done this since I was a very little girl.

Today, I was driving through the stunning Vermont scenery,  and took a strand of hair that I was twirling and brought it around and made a mustache, above my upper lip. Now, THAT is something I don't think I've done in decades.  This old reflex, come back to life after so long, brought a huge smile to my face when I realized what I had done.

I was instantly transported back to summer evenings, riding bikes with all of the neighborhood kids, climbing trees, picking and eating raspberries and blackberries right off the bushes, and generally just running wild and thoroughly enjoying it. We all had similar instructions, we could stay outside until it got dark.  When the street lights came on, it was time to come in. Of course, everyone tried to get just a few more minutes, and all the doors would open as our moms yelled out for each of us to get home.

I'd come home covered in sand, dirt and tree sap from my adventures.   My mother would always say "Bethy Ann, do you have to come home covered in dirt from  head to toe?"  From there, it was off to the huge claw-foot bathtub for me, to find the girl under the dirt.

It's funny how a small thing can trigger a memory.  This one was so sweet, just like those berries, so I thought I'd share it.

When Joe Sang

Opened
And it was all so new
Crazy overwhelming
I was tripping over it
Spilling it all over the place
Life, feelings, decisions
It was all so huge
I had no filters
No point of reference
For the wonder
That is everyday life
Many approached
Some have faded
Dismayed by the
Clusterfuck of it all
"Fix Yourself"
And gone
No idea the work
Every day
Still
My issues alone
Own It
And I have
Coming up on a year
Since Joe sang
My beginning
Still more to learn
Every Day
Getting better
At balancing
Focus, intent
Passion
Where it's needed
But being able to
Let go, relax
Just have fun
Unexpectedly
The hardest lesson
Freedom, thou
Sweet, unfamiliar new lover
Regret for the messes I've made
Love and gratitude
For the compassion
Friendship and open hearts
Who have not walked away
At times I've felt
Pathetic, embarassed
But no more
This is me, my journey
Now begins
A new chapter
The next pages
Written by me
My own action, belief
Unwilling to be trapped
By my own thinking, expectations
Or anyone else's
Leave the Tower of Babel
No more
A prostitute for a paycheck
And the House of Cards
Is coming down
I will walk forward
With those who wish
To honor life
And leave behind
Those who can't
This last year
Was messy for me
Now it's time to
Share the wealth
Hold on tight
Because
Baby girl's not afraid anymore

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Is It Me?

I don't know
If it's me
Or the rest of the world
I feel like I'm always
Watering me down
Restraining an impulse
Holding it back
Even after all this work
Where does compromise end
And self-denial begin
Screw self-denial, by the way
That belief system is my past
I seem to fuck with some of you
Just by being me
I'm torn between feeling bad
And feeling contempt
Really
Stand up
On your own two feet
You've made your choices
And I've made mine
We all have to decide
Like the lyric says
What to leave in
And what to leave out
What stays, what becomes
Part of the past
I'm not afraid of change
But some of you are
I love you all
But you need to let go
Of my ankles
You're pulling me under

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That Little Coat

Sitting here now
All I can think of
Is Chris Farley
"Fat Guy In A Little Coat"
Stuck in my head all morning
Ludicrous, but apropo
I am divided
So much of my life
What we have built
Doesn't fit me anymore
Like that little coat
Too small, constricting
Uncomfortable
I've identified the changes
That need to happen
I'm taking steps
That feels so good
And there is progress
But it is slow, so slow
The Tower of Babel
The House of Cards
They hold on so tight
I know sometimes
I hurt and confuse them
Just by being who I am now
But I was in pain
Being who I was before
And I cannot go back
Trying to do this
With a little dignity
For all
But progress is so slow
And so, there are days
Like today
When life feels
Exactly like that little coat

You do remember
What happens
To the little coat
At the end of that scene......

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REALITY

No more dissection of the psyche
I feel what I feel
I love who I love
I said what I said
I am good
I am bad
I am trying
I am me