Walking In Step

I realized something today.  I have a tendency to put distance between myself and others if I can't understand where they're at.  Especially if I really don't understand the direction a person is going in.  It's like if I think you're about to make a gigantic mistake, I push you away.  Sometimes, I do this if I think you're just deluding yourself and I can't get my head around it.

The reality?  Me, letting down the people that matter to me.  I know how it started.  When I spent so many years not knowing who the hell I was, I was the world's carpet.  I truly thought that to be a good  person I had to "yes" everyone, and in the process I lost myself.  I had no compass, no self.  It took me a long time to figure out who I was, and to realize that I was the one putting myself in that position.  So I learned me, and slowly got comfortable advocating for myself.

I got strong, I surprised  myself at how strong.  But I took it too far.  Instead of gently and firmly stating my position, I ended up in a place where if I couldn't understand where you were at, I just created distance.  Then I'd sit there and wonder why I felt so bereft.  It was the loss of the people I pushed away.  I'd push people away and then not be able to understand why I was so sad. It's happened several times, and I've never figured it out until now.

Because I recently did it again.

Now I understand.  I've finally become strong enough in myself to be able to stand with others and respect their journey.  I can stand with you now, when we are both unequivocally in a different place, and not leave your side.  If you mean something to me, then I am behind you.  Period.  Sometimes we'll walk in step, side by side and I'll finish your sentences, you'll finish mine,  and we'll be on the same page.  Another time, perhaps I'll be struggling with the choices you've made and the things you believe.  But, you see - that isn't as important as who and what you are.

We are all in each other's lives for a reason.  And your journey, though it overlaps mine is just that  - YOUR JOURNEY.  I have not walked in your shoes.  I know now that I must respect your journey.  All I know is I have seen your light and you matter to me.  No more pushing away the people I care about, because I'm finally strong enough not to feel threatened by the difference, or by things I don't understand.  I know now that I won't be lost, I won't blow off course.  I've found me, and I am no longer without a compass. And so I know I can truly stand with those I love.

Sometimes I'll still worry that those I care about are going to hurt themselves.  If I truly think you might be hurt, I'm going to gently tell you, then I'm going to shut up. Stand with you.  When things work, I'll celebrate with you because I'll know you truly put yourself into it. When you fall, I'll  help you up and I'll never, ever say I told you so.

Broken Record

At what point does self-discovery become self-absorption?  I've done so much "work" excavating things and facing things....all of a sudden it's as if I'm sick of ME.  I think it's time to take a break from all this digging and analyzing and just take some time to BE. 

Not to say I'm not going to write, I'll always write.

I think I want to turn the lens outward now, and look at others.  OK, the work was necessary and we'll do some more again when it's time.  But for right now I want to focus the lens in another direction.

Not like before, when I wandered around yessing everyone and getting lost.

I just want to really LOOK at other people, connect, walk in their shoes, and stop this self-obsession.  Enough about me. LITERALLY.  I'm sick to death of me.  Blah, blah, blah.....I feel like I've been saying the same things over and over.  I'm tired of re-hash for dinner.

Let's try a new approach for a while.  That will get the creative juices flowing!

Sometimes You Have to Let Go

I tried to talk to you about where I'm at. You changed the subject. Did I scare you? You wonder why I don't come around. How's the weather? I'm doing it differently than you did. Is that what you can't handle? You CAN love them right AND still live your passion. Changes everything. I'll miss the days when you still knew me..got me. But you gave up long ago and now you can't look at me because I won't. I can't validate your choices by dying on the altar of your regrets....that would kill me and still not heal you. I have joy in the knowledge that I've stayed the course. Letting go of things isn't easy but is sometimes necessary. This is my path.

Rock Your Life

Random patterns

Connections

Resulting in brand new paths

Need to be open

New possibilities

May not look familiar

Not what you’re expecting

An unheard of route

That you would never have considered

If you’re not open

Won’t color outside the lines

You will miss something

AMAZING

Obstacles will come

Find a way around

Expect a great deal

From yourself

Dreams

Take Commitment

Passion

And the ability

To just put your head down

And push forward

When Its hard

Take a step, even a small one

But take one

Oh

And laughter helps, too!

Rock your life!

Cut Loose

Give yourself permission

To cut loose

Every so often

Feed your party animal

Let it go

You spend most of your time

Doing what you should

Taking care of business

And that’s good

So go a little crazy

Once in a while

Or you’ll end up with

“She was a hard worker”

As your epitaph

It’s a nice compliment

But it’s only one part of you

And that is sure as hell

Not how I want to go out

Oh trust me

I know how to take care

Of everything I need to

Like most gals

I’m better at juggling

Than most circus performers

So in-between the day to day

Gladly spending yourself

On those you love

Honor yourself

Take a few hours

And just go crazy

It’s good for you

Torn / Dreams

The sensation

Again

Of walking in two worlds

Duty

Doing what you must

To keep body and soul together

One step forward

Two steps back

Bedraggled, bleary eyed

Numb

What about our dreams

So little time for what’s important

Slap us down

We keep getting back up

Walking down that road

Not giving up

It’s been hard sometimes

Hasn’t it?

But we’re walking together

I worry though

That you have given up

On some of your dreams

Please don’t, my sweet soul

You deserve those dreams

There are moments in the sun

And moments in the rain

But this journey

We have taken it

Together

And those simple moments

A smile

A meal together

A moment of laughter

Make the days sweet

Burn It Down

Sometimes you need to

Burn it down*

In order to continue

Accept change

You can’t move forward

While you’re stuck in the mire

Of the past

You need to let go

Or the future

Can never be yours

The devil you know

As the expression goes

Can be so much more comfortable

Force of habit

We keep on holding on

And miss the beauty

Of a new life

Hope I can take those I love

Along for the ride

I have to walk my truth

Or nothing at all

Compromise might seem easier

But I can’t go there

Not anymore

Sucks the life out of me

Please walk with me

Because walk forward

I will 

*I wrote this while listening to "Burn It Down" by Alter Bridge.  They own the song and no copyright infringement is intended by the use of the phrase "Burn It Down." 

Searching For Me

I've been searching
For myself
I'd misplaced me
Have been on a quest
Searching high and low
Breaking barriers
Looking at everything
Even the ugly things
So hard to face some of it
Necessary work
No moving forward
Without the work
Look in the mirror
And face your greatest fears
And walk forward anyway
Learned a lot so far
Catching more and more glimpses
Of me
Beginning to understand
Who I am inside
No more hiding
I know what I need
Made some changes
And more on the horizon
More comfortable saying what has to be
Not willing to compromise on the things
That make me who I am
The things that make me excited
And passionate about my life
And now
More excavation
Still more learning
Always
How to balance
The walk forward
My dreams
With the day today
Keeping body and soul together
And cherishing those
I've been blessed to walk with
It's a learning experience
Every day
At times hard
But always worth it

A Few (Very Random) Thoughts - On Working Out!

I sort of created my own interval routine today - works on any cardio machine. Instead of playing my "workout playlist" I accidentally put my I-Pod on to shuffle all of my music.  The mix of beats and types of music had me changing my speed all over the place every few minutes.  You can adjust the settings on the machine, too.  It was an accident but a happy one.

OK, gotta be careful here - big mix of people who read my blog.  Is this a known physiological response that happens to gals at the gym?  I'm referring to when your workout might actually cause you to....um.....OK you get the idea.  Either I'm a freak or maybe this happens to other women.  Not to say that I'm complaining.  I need to look this up online or something.

 I absolutely cannot work out without music on.  No I-pod?  Not moving.

Today I discovered that there are almost no Metallica songs that aren't good to work out to.  Here is a phrase I didn't expect I'd be saying.  Thanks, Lars. 

When I work out, I actually enjoy sweating.  Is that strange?  It sort of feels like all the stress and negative shit that builds up is coming out of you.  Nothing better!

I still enjoy it when Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" comes up on the I-Pod.  This is the song that I sort of think of as how I "talk to" my arthritis.  I turn it up LOUD and kick ass on whatever machine I'm on and think to myself how it's never going to beat me. I can do anything I decide to do!

Dave Grohl.  Two words that do not need an explanation! Foos during the workout.  Perfect.  Makes me move my ass AND think at the same time.  And can I say that I love Taylor Hawkins?  I just did. I just absolutely fucking love him.

Surprisingly, I DO think during my workout sometimes.  For some reason, doing cardio with my favorite music on really inspires the hell out of me.  I'm just in my own space, thinking about life, listening to the lyrics, the killer guitars, holy-crap ass kicking drums (drummers fucking rock my world - that's the heartbeat!) sweating my ass off with my hair looking like god-knows-what and not giving a shit.....for some reason it's one of my favorite things to do.  I absolutely love  it. Feels amazing.

Wore my KISS t-shirt to work out in today.  When "God Gave Rock N Roll To You" came on the I-Pod, I had this big grin on my face. 

Aerosmith.  When the boys are on the I-Pod there is just nothing better.  Speaking of drummers - Joey!  Damn.  Love Joey.

OK - off to get some stuff done!  Have a great weekend!

Why Do I Write?

I write what I write

Because it’s my reality

It’s where I am

Right now

Writers write

To figure themselves out

Unlock the mysteries

Of their own life

Day to day

When you read it

And you feel something

I am so grateful

If it helps you

Then I am filled

For this is more than

I could ever have expected
So

If you read it

And it touched you

I know we are not alone

And we share something

But I didn’t write it for you

I wrote it because this is where I am

Today, now, in this moment

I’m not trying to poke at you

Not asking you to feel anything

But it will happen anyway, trust me

For this is what has happened to me

When others have told the truth

About THEIR lives
And I have taken it in

And found myself looking in a mirror

I never said you had to do
Feel, or say anything

I have to put this all somewhere

Please understand

And these words

THEY ARE ME

They are the place I am in

Today

So if you feel something

I am grateful

If you tell me that

I am honored

Humbled

But the truth is

I didn’t write it for you

I wrote them for me

Rock Your Life

I just want to rock my life

Is that so wrong?

I’m so grateful for what I have

My  husband

Two amazing sons

Wonderful family

Friends who are there through everything

Ass-kicking hard working co-workers

Who are genuinely great people

That’s a lot to be thankful for

And while I’m thankful

I also think of moving forward

Finding that next step

Moving toward my dreams

Taking steps every day to do that

Looking at myself honestly

Not trying to hurt anyone

Haven’t purposely used anyone

All the while, excavating the shit

Discarding what makes no sense

I’m not delusional

Not living in a fantasy world

I have dreams

And I’ll be damned

If I’ll apologize

For who I am

The way I see the world

Or how I choose to walk through it

If I’ve hurt you, or confused you

Made you feel used, or unimportant

While I’m trying to figure this out

I genuinely apologize

It was never my intention. Ever.

But thoughtlessness is still wrong

So I will own it and say I’m sorry

Truthfully

I could never walk forward in the light

If I knew I brought someone else down

But I will still walk forward toward my dreams

Some of you may not like my decisions

How I walk it

I can’t be who you want me to be

And I’m  not asking you to be anything but that which you are

I’m not going to change

To make you more comfortable

I do wish you love and light

On your journey

Thanks for being a part of mine

So, you think you know me?

So, you’ve got me summed up have you?

You think you know who I am

And how I tick

How it works for me

Well, congratulations

But the reality is

You’ve taken a quick look

And interpreted that

Through the filter

Of your own life

But I am not you

And I’m not like those

You’ve known before

I am me

And you don’t understand

My motivations

Or how it works for me

So by all means

If I make a mistake

Be upset with me

But don’t keep crucifying me

On the cross of your past

Either truly get to know me

Or reserve judgment until you have

The Love Letter (for Alex)

What if my soul

And yours

Found each other

I think that happens in life

And when it does

It’s profound

Irrevocable

Irreversable

It changes a person

It certainly changes me

Sometimes I can feel thoughts

Like a soft white light

Perceive it

Inside

Breathtakingly intimate

You find the place

Where you can see your own

Without shrinking away

And know others

You can’t help it

It just happens

Souls

Joined

Open

Not hidden

Complete acceptance

Scars healed

The way our Mother intended

If you could see

The way I do

You have no concept

Of the beauty that you are

It's Human Nature

When we're insecure
Frightened, or hurt
We go on the hunt

For something to help us

To feel

Any better than we do now

Tell me I’m OK

And we always find something

Or someone
Get ourselves built back up

Then when we feel better

We go find the shiny ones

And forget

The ones who stood by us

Because we only need them

When we hurt

MASKS

We all want to be held

Have someone REALLY see

Not to have to hide

Be truly ourselves

And know that it's OK

That you're seeing ME

And still standing by me

Tragically rare!

We all hide

And encourage others to do the same

Unable to accept ourselves

Or those around us

Worried about appearances

And afraid of rejection

We walk around

Wearing our masks

I do not want to hide

Anymore

I'm putting it out there

All that I am

Won't put the mask back on

Can't go back to hiding

Feel  exposed

But if you really, truly look

And if I find that you do stand with me

It will be the most amazing gift of a lifetime

And I offer you the same

But if you do not

I will stand alone