2012

Why did I wait so long

Playing it safe, no risks

Stifled, frustrated by everything

Surrounded by situations

That are a bad fit

Thought I was doing the right thing

Being a "good girl"

Now I just want to SCREAM

Just tell everyone to GET LOST

LEAVE ME ALONE! 

My own fault

But no more

I made this bed

Now I'm unmaking it

Day to day

Small and large

Decisions

Living it right

TAKING RISKS

Letting you know up front

Not going back now

No more "safe path"

Sorry if this is hard for you

But I'm done with the easy path

I was created to LIVE

Thoughts on Christmas Day

I have quite varied thoughts on this Christmas Day.  The second half of this year has been one that has seen me in the midst of what my gals and I are calling my "mid-life crisis."  My husband and sons are also aware of it, since, if possible, I'm even stranger than usual.  My 3 best friends, my hubby and my sons are all dealing with the newest of my quirks wiith good humor, support and listening ears.  I am so grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life.  Today was a good opportunity to reflect on how blessed I am to have them in my life.

Although my inner journey this year has definitely manifested in my being much less "religious" than I ever have been, I am without a doubt more spiritual than ever. This, to me, is where I have always belonged.  The times in my life when I have embraced this approach have been the times that I have felt the most "at home" within myself, and this is clearly where I belong.

I am so very thankful for my family and friends.  During the last few months of soul searching, I have spent a good deal of time reflecting on my life, and frankly, whether I belonged in this life I am walking through every day, with the people I am with.  So far, I have come to two conclusions.  The first is that if you need to make changes, this means you need to get off your ass and ACT - if you know something in your life isn't right you need to take meaningful action in direction of what it is that you want.  The second conclusion I've come to is that if my head isn't screwed on straight, then dumping my life and the people in it and getting a "new everything" is not going to suddenly mean my head IS screwed on straight.  I love my family and friends.

The changes I need to make come down to this.  What makes me excited and passionate about life?  I don't feel that you can or should pin your happiness factor on your family and /or your friends, and expect them to fulfill that for you.  You should love them but let them be who and what they are.  This way,  you love and support each other freely and walk through this life together.  Your happiness, your passion - those belong to each of us and we are the captain of that ship!  For me, this is about poetry, writing, music, new challenges, expressing my world view through my work, and the way I live my everyday life - what kind of decisions - large and small - am I making daily that are make this journey authentic as far as who I am as a person?

Although some parts of the last few months have been difficult as I faced truths about myself, my life, my relationships and my decisions, I am glad that this excavation has been happening.  This journey has  been beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for anything - even the hard parts.  Without those difficult parts, I would never have those exquisitely beautiful moments, either.  That's where the poetry lives - in-between the lines of everyday life.

As I spend time changing my day to day decisions - I am walking closer to my truth each day.  Each moment of the journey is important.  Sometimes I screw up, yeah, we all do.  At times, I screw up in a stellar, BIG amazing way.  But each new morning is another chance to wake up, and rock this life I have! So, whether it's my look, my music, how I spend my downtime, volunteering, a job change, learning a new skill, or trying something I've never done so I can open up my horizons - every day is a gift.

I've got amazing friends. Nicole, Cindy and Becky - you are truly my sisters, and you add so much to my life. I know that what we have is rare and precious.  Thank you for the gifts that you are. My sons are one of the most amazing blessings in my life.  Mother is a heart-stopping, soul-altering experience and I am thankful every single day for Patrick and Joshua. Rob - you've walked this journey with me for over 25 years - through the good and the bad.  You are courageous, hard-working, and you manage to combine sensitivity and strength, and a sense of humor into one amazing person.  Also, inside of that 6 ft 3 inch frame, is a little boy, and I'm so glad you've kept him alive in there - because sometimes you let him out and he still sees the world with such wonder that it brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.  I'll love you forever, baby.

My mother is an example of the loving, giving person I want to be - you don't let anything beat you and if I have half your love and strength to give the ones I love, I'd be grateful - thank you for your example each day..  Brad - you face all of the difficult parts of your life situation with a sense of humor, and you teach me not to take myself so seriously.  Jean - we've come a long way - we dont always agree but we've built something that combines sisterhood, friendship, respect and loyalty.  No matter what happens, it's nice to know I have someone who has my back.

I have countless other friends and relatives that I am so grateful for, so many I could never name them all. Our cousins are so special to us, we love you so, so much!

Looking forward to 2012 - I want to keep what is good from 2011 -  the appreciation I have for family and friends, and a willingness to look - with open eyes- at myself and my life so that I can see what to keep in and what to leave out.  I want to move forward with an open mind and heart.  I want to try new things, be willing to take risks, and explore new territory. I'm ready to rock 2012.

Merry Christmas. Much love and light to everyone reading this, and to those you love.

Complicated Bliss

She is two sides of the same coin.
Nurturing one moment, self-absorbed the next
She can make you feel like the world revolves around you
And a moment later, make you feel like you don't matter
She loves you with everything that she is
But everything that she is can be complicated
You can't take the good without the bad
She's your living Yin and Yang
Hot and Cold.  Yours but not.
Always withholding something for herself.
She'd never step out on you, but you're always afraid she will
She's every color of the rainbow, all at once.
And the darkness is always there, too.  Simmering below the surface.
For better for for worse, she IS yours.
And you're a stronger man for having stood by her side.
And you give her the same.
Strength. Fire. Courage. Quiet understanding.
She knows in her heart that YOU'RE AMAZING
You're man enough to be hers.  And she's happy to be yours.
Comfortable only in your arms.
It will never be easy, but you figured that out a long time ago.
But, together, you shine so bright.  And that's the way it should be.

A Meeting with Myself 3

Today, in meditation, I went to the quiet places.  I met my true self there.  Today, she looked.....like  me.  Just exactly the way I look today, except perhaps more.....me..........more centered.  She was quiet in her demeanor today.

She said "What do you need right now?"  I couldn't answer her.

So, instead she asked me a question. "Why does the Eagle fly?"  For some reason,  I could answer that.  I said, "Because it's his nature to do so."  She smiled, because I understood.

What is it in MY nature to do?  Music, poetry, the spoken word - and using these to reach - to touch other people - this is what it is in MY nature to do. To borrow a line from Henry David Thoreau, if I "walk confidently in the direction of my dreams", then I am doing that which I am supposed to be doing. 

Yes.  The details of everyday life often feel like a drain, and threaten to take away the things that make us what and who we are.  But we cannot let this happen.  We must keep doing what makes us excited, stick with what we are passionate about.  I already know that when I do this, I am happier.  I have more love and patience and excitement to spend time with my loved ones.  So, no giving up. 

Follow  your dreams.

What Does Freedom Feel Like ?

A green place
The breeze blowing, I can feel it on my neck
Time to.......just be
Inhale.  Exhale.

I can let the words flow.
Unfettered.
I have time to sit, to figure out what's inside today
Time to let it happen

Then, I rise and seek you out
We can wrap around each other
And for this, too, there is time
Time to melt, blend together, and come away.....altered.

This is what freedom feels like.

Everyday Life

Taking joy in the everyday
Realize the truth
It doesn't have to be glamorous
At times,  it's very subtle
Quiet and Peaceful
There's power in the small
And vitality in those moments
The ones we spend together

So, by all means, reach out
Hear the music and let the words flow out
But use them to ADD TO
Not IN PLACE OF
Like spices added to a beautifully prepared meal
Not like a drug, something you use to avoid life

So, be that Rock N Roll baby, you know it's who you are
But rock the day you're standing in now
Live in THIS MOMENT
If you don't, you can't ever get anywhere

Life IS a journey - not a destination.

Separation

A few days I go, someone I follow on twitter was tweeting about missing their love, because one was travelling without the other.  I thought this was something we've probably all dealt with at some point in our lives.  I sat down to write and this is what came out.  Sometimes I worry that my "talent" for rhyming poems sounds a bit like a sappy Hallmark card, but the damn things keep coming out, and so here you go.

If thoughts have wings
And you know they do
Then you're not out of reach
I close my eyes, and there you are
I can always be with you

Connected.  We are always one.
Regardless of how far.
Amazing how the spirit flies
Even beyond the stars

Your smile, it's such a light to me
I can close my eyes and see
Till once again, when we can touch
Together, me and thee

Whine - no. Act - yes.

What a load of bullshit my last post seems like, now that I re-read it.  Sound whiney, doesn't it?  Really, if I want change I need to stop whining, get off my ass and MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Wild ...but Safe ?

Sometimes I think I will drive myself crazy.  .  I have these two parts of my personality that are at war with each other.  One part is the gal who has been playing it safe all these years.  She does a good job at work, pays the bills, takes care of her family - the usual.  And I love my family and friends.

Having said that, let me introduce you to the other part of my personality.  She 's a rock and roll girl who can't live without her music.  She wants to get in a fast car and just drive. She wants to travel and just let the days unravel - whatever happens happens, you know?  No schedule.  She wants to be out in the world during the day, and not cooped up in a cubicle, meeting people, talking, interacting, LIVING.

So - these two parts of my personality just keep warring with each other - "Safe Gal" would never think of doing anything that would hurt anyone, risk the income, or mess up the family in any way.

I don't even respect "the American Dream".  Ironic since I've been walking that path my entire life. Nothing like being a walking cliche - the good girl who wakes up one day and wants to go wild.  Really - that's just pathetic.  I do not want to be pathetic.

I guess the deal here is that I haven't ever, in 47 years - just did what I wanted.  I've always done what I "should" do.  I was a damned timid, rule following good girl when I was single  I defaulted into an office job that I took frankly to shut my parents up and it somehow led to a career in cubicle world.

So I think the problem is that now that I've opened up and taken down the walls I'm realizing that I bought  into something that was never really me. I need to keep being my unusual, funky self.  I see it every day - at work, with family and friends.  I am not your average gal who walks the expected path. I have always, 100% of the time, felt as if I have been trying to fit myself into a puzzle but I am the wrong piece - like this isn't my "picture."

The trick here is that I need to find a way to live my passion - a way to take my passion for music, poetry, the need to interact with people and share life experiences with them - somehow I need to tie all that in with a way to make a living.  This cubicle jungle thing keeps our little house of cards running and it feels like a trap sometimes.  But I'm not giving up.  Everyone has dreams and I am no exception.  I'm going to keep working at it.  I will find a way to take care of my family but be myself and live my passion.

I thank God for every day and I won't be wasting a moment of it. 

Morning Thoughts

I've got to keep it real
I have to be myself
Look at life through grateful eyes
But I won't sit on the shelf

Do my best, 100 percent
What I do each day is ME
Happy for my life this day
Blessed to know I'm free

If my path is not the truth
Gotta switch things out
Have the courage, face it now
Leave behind the doubt

Each new day a journey
I'll see you on the road
Walking through it hand in hand
Reality bestowed

Jekyll and Hyde

Content.......unsatisfied
Easy to please........impossible
Passionate..........dead inside
Nurturing...........cruel
Loving............mocking
Patient.............quick to anger
Understanding.............selfish
Heroic...........Coward
Overcome...........Give Up
Angel............Demon

I am all of these things, in turn....sometimes several at once.  I think at times, that I'll drive you all crazy.  I know I drive myself crazy.  But in the still quiet moments, when I seek that which is inside of my soul, I find all of these things and more.  This is the grace in the everyday, the poetry in each moment. 

Feels Good

Some days just feel good.  At times, it's because something awesome has happened.  Other times, it's just everyday life.  Today feels good for that reason, because my everyday life just feeeeels gooood. 

It wasn't an especially eventful day, really.  It was crazy busy, and I overdid things a little bit physically.  But I didn't let it get me down.  I'm always in this state of war and subsequent truce with my body.  Today I pushed things a bit more than was comfortable, but later my spirit and my body called a truce.  Now I'm relaxing with some hot chocolate spiked with a shot of Makers Mark and enjoying the down time.  My feet are saying "thanks, it's about time." So I feel like I did what I wanted to do and managed to find some balance.  Balance feels good.

I got to spend time with my man over the past few days.  Sometimes, really, everyday life kinda beats up on the two of us.  Circumstance, responsibility, and other factors combine and mean that by the time we take care of everything and everyone else, we may not have a  hell of a lot of energy or time for each other.  But we've stuck together all this time, and we've had great moments and really tough moments. That's what's beautiful - looking across the room at him and knowing that he has been there every single day, for the beautiful and for the hell moments.  It's just sweet, intoxicating.....crazy amazing when you can be this comfortable with someone.  God knows I'm a maniac sometimes - moody, unpredictable,  complicated - and doesn't he just keep rolling with it?  Love it.  That kind of love feels good.

I enjoy small moments in everyday life.  A conversation with a friend, an encouraging word on facebook or twitter, a song that really reaches inside, kickin' ass at the gym, the person at the store who started a conversation and really had me laughing, or listening to the banter between my sons.....punctuated by jokes and laughter.  All of these moments feel good, too.

I've been spending more time in prayer and meditation lately.  I'm less and less focused on organized religion but more and more focused on spirituality. The time I take, when I pull back from the everyday routine, and meditate, write poetry, listen to music and just allow myself to simply BE - just breathe in and out - this time is what has unlocked the appreciation I have for the world around me and for my life. 

I am so grateful every day for my life.  IT FEELS GOOD.

Am I Messin' You Up?

I've noticed lately that as I make changes in my life, to my approach to things, and the decisions I make on an everyday basis, there are people who are uncomfortable with this.  It's feels odd to hear questions and comments  that clearly come from the angle of  "For crying out loud, NOW what is she doing?"

It can be about my appearance, my poetry, my love for music, my "Sunday Time" (Sunday mornings I take off alone for a few hours and meditate, listen to music and write) or whatever the subject may be.  I guess as I make more and more subtle changes in myself, they are getting to be more noticeable.  As people notice these changes, they either (a) want me to stay the same so I don't change anything in their routine or (b) they don't want to face things in their own life that my changes bring to mind.  I do get that, but honestly I really can't go back to being "DON'T ROCK THE BOAT GIRL."

I'm not concerned with doing what's expected or what is proper.  I did that for a quarter of a century and all it got me was bored, tired and depressed.  I'm going to live my life, my way - my rules.  I'm finding the more I live my life the way that works for me, the better I am at taking care of the people in my life - so it's a win-win there, too. Well, all I know is that I'm happier than I've ever been and I'm going to keep rocking my life my way.  There's a deep-down, intrinsic feeling of "this is right" when I'm going in the right direction and an equally noticeable "uh-oh - this isn't working" when I'm clearly going down a road that isn't for me.  I'm getting better at respectfully and lovingly saying NO and pushing back in these situations. Life's a journey and I'm really enjoying it.  As time goes on, I find that other people's opinions mean less and less to me. I don't mean that in a negative way. What I'm talking about is not going the wrong way just to keep someone else happy.

I'm lucky.  I have a great life.  I have a man by my side who just keeps rollin' with it no matter how difficult I can be.  I've given that boy a run for his money over the years, and I couldn't be more grateful for his strength and love for me over the years.  You're one of a kind, my "boy next door" and yes, baby - I'd do it all again.  My sons are amazing human beings and I feel privileged that I was granted the gift of being their mom.  Truly, "mother" is one of the most beautiful, heart stopping, soul-changing experiences a woman can have.  I have three of the best friends a person can ask for - they're so amazing.  We have a special bond, and any of us would walk through hell and back for any of the others.  My true sisters, you're always there through everything and you are such a bright light in my life. 

So, I'm going to keep on being me.  Life works best for me that way.  For those that have made this journey more fun, and have lit the way - you fuckin' rock and I love you forever.

Walkin' It - Looking in Your Eyes

Day to day, walking it.  Making like a freak, feeling like myself. I'd rather be unusual than be nothing at all.  When you walk through everyday life, and really look around, you notice things.  There are such crazy, beautiful things in life.  And tragedy, too.  Have you ever tried to go through one day, and try to actually MEET THE EYES of as many people as you can?  Really look into their eyes.  Hold the gaze as long as possible, until they look away.  OK, yeah - sometimes people clearly wonder why you're looking so long.  But you'll SEE things, and I don't just mean the color of their eyes.  You catch glimpses of their truth.  You'll see joy.  You'll see hope.  You'll see desperation.  Horror. HELP ME!  You see, most of us can put on a good show and make like everything's OK. But we have a hard time hiding the truth in our eyes.  This is an amazing way to connect with people. These little micro-moments are such beautiful little pictures of the truth, of reality, of what it feels like to be in the other person's shoes, for just a moment.

What I think is beautiful about this is that you end up connecting in ways and with people that you might not expect.  Let go of your judgment, your thoughts and opinions based on that person's appearance, where you're seeing them, the role they're playing.  You don't know how they got there, and why it feels the way it does.  But when you look into their eyes, with just "I'm here, you're here, we're OK" then it's amazing - you can really "touch" another person.  It's like a window opens to their soul, and you got a little glimpse.  Just look and offer in your eyes acceptance, and acknowledgment.

Give it a try sometime.  Just go for a walk.  Keep your head up, greet people you see.  Make eye contact.

SEE ME, I'M IN HERE, SOMEBODY FOR GOD'S SAKE TELL ME I'M OK, I'M NOT WORTHLESS, I DO MATTER, I'M NOT A FAILURE, I'M NOT UGLY, I REALLY CAN MAKE IT, THERE'S MORE TO ME THAN THIS! I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL! .....it's all going on in there, if you just LOOK.

I dare you.  What do YOU see?

Another Spot on the Dial

Lately, I've been thinking.  I seem to come hard wired with 2 settings - OPEN and CLOSED. 

When I'm closed everything seems good on the surface.  But basically "closed" is when I'm  doing the "going through the motions" thing.  I developed this when I was a kid, I think, and really got good at it as I got older. I did everything I was supposed to, but if I didn't like what was going on or how I felt, I'd just shut off the emotional end of things and not really pay much attention to that aspect of life. I'd distract myself with food, TV and other things and I kind of just go through life putting in a half-assed effort at everything.  I don't care too much about the results of anything in closed mode. 

I can't write ANYTHING when I'm closed.  No poetry.  And music - which is the breath in my lungs - always has been - doesn't mean anything when I'm closed.

Inevitably, I decide I don't like being closed.  So, I start to pray and meditate again.  I make an effort to notice the beauty in nature again.  I appreciate my loved ones.  Really, the prayer and meditation open the floodgates.  And damn!  The poetry comes right back, so fast I can just about get it all written down.

The only problem is that "OPEN" feels like emotional road rash.  I feel everything so strongly!  It's as if my reactions are all out of proportion to the events in question - all day!.  Thinking back, most of what I consider to be my best writing has come when I'm an emotional clusterfuck - like now.

Why, I wonder, do I have to be so emotional, and feel EVERYTHING so strongly when I'm in this mode?  Really, it's no wonder I go back to closed every so often. I wonder if other poets or maybe songwriters ever run into this, or can people just crank out amazing things and not feel a thing?  I'm actually very curious. I seem to only be able to write when I'm so open that it literally hurts. Really, what a mess.

Now, granted, OK - I was in "closed" for quite a while this last time.  I'm thinking when I'm in "closed" mode I'm not really avoiding feeling things - I must be postponing them.  So, this time, when I got back into the "open" mode again, I practically drowned myself in all the unprocessed "stuff" that came flooding out.  Thank God for SIXX:A.M. the last couple of months - Nikki, DJ and James I love you, and thanks!

So, being the brilliant sort that I am, I'm thinking if I just STAY in open mode but just find a spot on "the dial" that's between "open" and "closed" then I can feel things at a normal level most of the time, but when I  want to write, I can really, truly, completely open up. Clearly, staying that way all the time is a bit overwhelming.

This isn't completely clear yet, because it's late and I'm tired---but bears more thought very soon. Next step is figuring out how exactly you achieve "partially open."  I'm "open" to suggestions!  HA

Unsophisticated

She convinces herself she's cool
Thinks she's moving forward
Making connections
Opening Up

Friends, acquaintances
We're all helping each other along
Right?  I mean that's what it is.
Yeah, that's what you told yourself

You said you didn't want to be a cliche
When all along you embodied the word
Fuck, you still do
Who were you kidding?  Just yourself apparently.

What did you accomplish
You scared little fuck
Hey by all means make your little "cosmic connections"
But at least be honest with yourself

Either ACT or don't
And if  you're not going to
Then don't pretend
Be the coward

Or don't - but ACT is a verb
Teacher said that implies you are doing something
And you haven't done anything.....at.....all

OK, Just This Once

There's a reason I stopped writing in my other blog "Day to Day with R.A."  Honestly, for me, walking around preaching at people about my arthritis just isn't for me.  I know that many other people with arthritis have done a lot of good by sharing their stories on blogs and encouraging each other.  For some reason I just can't seem to build a comfort level with it.  I did try, I really did.

I'm not saying I want to hide it either.  It's just part of me, like my poetry, my hair, my hazel eyes, the way I swear when I feel any strong emotions, or my music obsession.  It's not what defines me, it's just one part.

So, if you ask me, I'll tell you about it.  But I don't run around wearing it on my sleeve.  I just enjoy living my life, and walking through the crazy roller coaster of everyday life.

People say a lot of well-meaning things to me about my arthritis.  I especially enjoy the one where I can cure it with apple cider vinegar.  I had to smile on that one.

The thing is, I've been dealing with this for over 20 years.  And your helpful advice is OK - you really are trying to help so it's all good.  But, have an open mind.  If you really are interested in helping me, please let me speak also; allow me to tell you the rules.  Because there ARE rules.

Those of us who have been running (or limping, or shuffling) around with this for years usually have done a decent amount of homework.  I saw an interview with Motley Crue the other day.  Mick Mars was asked about his Ankylosing Spndylitis.  As severe as Mick's form of Arthritis is, he described it as "an inconvenience".  I've used that phrase a few times over the years myself, actually.  Mick also knew what gene was involved in A.S. and had read about some of the recent research that was done.

That's a great example of what I'm talking about.  You see, most of us really DO know the score.  We've talked to our rheumatologist, we've seen umpteen specialists, we've done the homework.  We know what we have, we know how it works, and we know what we can and can't do.  Can't sucks but there ARE "can'ts".  We do what we can until we can't.  We don't want your pity, because pity sucks and makes us feel small.  We would like your help sometimes, and we should ask for it if we need it.  The very coolest of friends are the ones who get used to the score and sort of just do some of those things without us having to ask.  You're fucking amazing and we love you for that.

For me, here are "the rules."  These are just for me.

(1) Move it or lose it - you can get yourself in trouble with Rheumatoid Arthritis if you OVERDO it because you can hurt your joints.  You can also get in trouble if you UNDERDO it.  If you stop moving something long enough ,you will stop moving it. Period.  So, by all means, move your ass.

(2) Medication - less is more.  There are medications you will have to take, whether you are happy about this or not.  Usually they have side-effects. Arthritis is an auto-immune disease, meaning your body is attacking itself.  You can't "fix it" easily.  Talk with your doctor and find out what works for you, then take the smallest/least dosage that gets you the results you and your doc are looking for.  Ask a ton of questions.  You're going to be on medication for the rest of your life so don't go crazy taking a ton of everything.  Be selective and stay well-informed.

(3) Healthy Habits - get enough rest/eat right/find other ways to manage your disease.  I find meditation helps quite a bit. Do things that make you happy, things you're passionate about.  Being happy is great medication, it's free and there are no side-effects.

Some days, you'd never know I have R.A. if you didn't look directly at a couple of my fingers.  Other days, it's more obvious, in the way I move.  So, by all means, offer your advice, I'm open - maybe you know about something I haven't heard.  But please, keep your EARS open too.  Thanks for listening.

 

Don't Fade On Me *

We're connected
So don't fade on me
Don't think you're not important
Keep shining your light
And so will I
Helpin' each other along.

*Giving full credit to Tom Petty & Mike Campbell for the phrase "Don't Fade on Me" which I first heard in a song written by them.  I do not own the lyrics, they do and no copyright infringement is intended!

Walking the Blade

You thought you wanted order
Only wishing to be numb
But when you tried it out for size
It turned out that was dumb

Only when you walk the blade
And feel it cut you through
Teeter along, you see both sides
And then it's clear what's true

The words only come with open eyes
And living life means pain
You only see the joy, the sun
If you've also felt the rain

So walk the blade, and feel it all
Embrace the good and bad
Bleed, and cry, rejoice and sing
Never miss what you had

Alone

There is a difference between
Alone
and Lonely
Today I take time away
Seeking solitude
I must do this
Compelled to find the quiet places
Where there is nothing
Hearing the voice within
A moment
Alone in the Universe
But forever connected
So I seek out this time and make it my own
It is this which keeps me sane
Yet dancing on the edge of madness
I will come often to the quiet places
And find my soul there

Beautiful Darkness

The outline of the branches
Dusk
A grey November sky
Haunting and stark in it's beauty
There is life in the darkness
Just as there is light in your soul
In spite of the same
Small moments
In the silence, we pause
The sacred lies between the lines
In the wind it speaks
Some can hear it, tho' it is always there
Whispers in your ears
Into your spirit, caressing your soul
And you do not know if you should rejoice or weep

What You Said You Wanted

The why's and wherefores don't matter
Excuses,  justifications now empty
The things you hide behind are empty now
You say you want to be set free
But you know the truth of the matter
The juxtaposition, the struggle, the squeeze
When you cry out 
Convinced you won't make it
Close your eyes
In the peace of the quiet places
You see the beauty in the struggle
It will always be so
For this is being human

A Moment Missed

A moment comes/I take the safe road/So very aware that I missed something/Need to grow a set/How long/How often/LIFE DOESN'T WAIT

Skimming Stones

It occurs to me that you can't just keep skimming across the surface of your life like one of those stones people use at the lake, to skip across the water.  That's really what I'm doing right now.

I know generally, but not specifically what I want.  I haven't decided on a direction.  So, I'm just bouncing around from one thing to the next, sort of putting in half-assed effort at everything because I don't see anything I'm doing as "real."  It's sort of like, "hey, it's not my permanent gig, you know?"

OK, so exactly what IS my permanent gig?  I need to do the work - finish excavating this.  I know there's gonna be fallout - it's going to mean other people are affected and so I think I'm avoiding doing the last of the work.  Can't do that forever. 

Actually - I know people who DID do that forever - and lived their lives in a state of resigned, "heavy sigh."  They did give up.  That's not me.  I plan to LIVE.