Pages

Thursday, May 17, 2018

The Oracle Priestess


Always, throughout the ages
They have come
Men, and also women
Seeking comfort
Begging for healing
From pain, the voices
The fog that obscures

And always
She is there
Healing
There is no conflict in her
This one sees them
Knows what is needed
Reveals to them their beauty and their horror

Wrapped and rapt
Lost in the gift of Her
She removes their garments of fear, confusion, and loathing
The fog in their minds departs
The barbs of endless, useless questioning
No longer required

They walk away
Comforted
Thoughts clear
They are never quite sure
If it was the curve of her waist, her thighs
The soft hair falling past her shoulders
The undefinable from within the depths of her eyes
Or the pulse from her heart place
That made it happen
In the end they don't care
The last thing they want to do
Is "solve" her

They only know
She is

And, they will be back

Except for the ones
For whom
The truth revealed
Cannot be embraced
These will revile her
Because hating her
Is easier than facing themselves

For Her
It matters not
She cannot, will not be other than herself
She bathes, as the Moonlight blesses her
Solitary in the beauty of the Sacred
Candles burn brightly
Incense rises
And She shines










Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Building

It's pretty ironic
A delicate, pretty bouquet of flowers
Just about destroyed that stone facade
It was a horrible thing to behold

Then you found someone
Who could build with bricks
Perfectly lined up
Meticulous, miraculous like no one else could ever do
Maybe, just maybe, a wall could be built

We can rebuild him
We have the technology

What about mortar?
You found mortar
Made of angel's wings
It worked really well
Able to conform to any shape
Bonds incredibly well
Blissful in it's compliance

The building process went well
And all of the components were in harmony

For a time

When the wall was well built
You kinda felt like you didn't need mortar anymore

That's ok
I mean, hey
The wall is up now
So, who needs mortar?

Wings can be used for lots of other things
So....it's all good, you know?



Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Differently

Time and time again
You come to know
You love differently
You value people in such a vastly different way

Over and over
You think someone has really seen you
Until the day their demons come to call
And instead of facing them
They paint horns on you
And become someone you don't know
They condemn you for that which they can't face within themselves
Meanwhile, you only see their beauty
And your heart breaks again

Heartbreak sucks
Excruciating, every time

Until finally
Fucking finally
You realize it has to start with YOU
So you do the work
And face all the things
You let a lot of things go

You come to love yourself
Reveling in the truest love affair there is
The one between YOU and THE UNIVERSE

That helps you
You can love them where they are
Set your boundaries
And walk your path
No need to seek wholeness or fulfillment from without
No longer wondering where home is
This is peace

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Never Play Small



Never play small
People get used to it
We sit, thirsty
Below a dripping faucet
While someone holds the handle tight
We delight in each little drip coming our way
So happy to get each one
But why?
Why do we do that?
We should be holding our own faucet handle
Drinking our fill as we see fit
We play paduwan
Hiding what we have and what we know
Why do we do that?
You see, the thing about playing small
Is that you can never get small enough
There are those who get used to it
They like taking over the space you aren't using
The energy of your "getting little"
It feels good to them
The worst part is this
You can never get small enough
You'll soon find they will crucify you
For taking up any space at all
And you will be asking yourself
What you've done wrong
How can you "fix it?"
The truth is
You've done nothing wrong
It's not you
So here's the thing
You damned well take up
ALL OF THE SPACE
That you were designed to by this Universe
To occupy
Be BIG
If you want to
BE LOUD
Never, ever water yourself down
For the approval of another
If your existence bothers them
Just by you being you
Then they aren't meant to be in your life
You are unique, beautiful and NEEDED
The full, unwatered down
Full strength
Quirky, fabulous you
You
With your spaz moments
Your contradictions
And all of the things you think
You need to hide
You don't need to hide a thing
BE YOU
Those who don't like it
Can find a different place in this big, beautiful world
One that isn't next to you

Friday, December 22, 2017

Line Drawn

I really cannot give you 

What you simply haven’t earned 

I reached out to you so many times 

And each time I got burned 

You stayed inside that little box 

And never truly saw 

The pain that you were causing me 

Your one true fatal flaw 

You see you’re beautiful in so many ways

You’ll always have my love 

But after a while I grew thick skin

Called out for help from above 

I finally learned to give myself 

The love you never could 

And now I walk in my own truth 

You’ll be my friend for good 

 But never again the gift to give 

The sacred now withheld 

My love requires special care 

In the end, my heart rebelled 

Again I’ve learned that broken 

Will open you and change your shape 

So difficult, but good and true 

Reworking my landscape 

I hold you no ill will

I wish you joy and light 

But I must live for myself now 

I’ve given up this fight 














Monday, October 2, 2017

STOP ASSUMING I DON’T CARE

ABOUT “INVISIBLE” CHRONIC ILLNESS 

(STOP ASSUMING I DON'T CARE)

I’m sharing this using my own words. There are a few versions going around. 

All I ask is that you read this all the way through. Please. Thank you.

There are many illnesses that people walk around with every day which are invisible to everyone else. 

There is a huge gap between the place where someone is diagnosed with one of these illnesses, and the place where they are considered “disabled“ by the government.

This means that there will usually be decades where the person walks around with the crushing fatigue and pain of a major illness, all while being expected by the rest of the world to compete with healthy people, to do what healthy people can do. 

At home and on the job, there is often the perception that perhaps these people are lazy, crabby, grouchy or bitchy, that they have a bad attitude, that they don’t care, that they are negative, that they don’t have any drive or ambition, or that they don’t want to do well.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth of the matter is that they’re using every bit of energy they have to be able to get up and shower and walk through the day and do tasks that you find so simple and take for granted.

Yes. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Celiac Disease, Sjogrens Syndrome, Reynauds as well as an anxiety condition. The Arthritis, Sjogrens and anxiety have historically been the ones that kick my ass. 

I am not sharing this for sympathy. And I’m not posting it just for myself. I’m posting it so that people might get an understanding.

The person that you run into every day who you maybe think has a bad attitude, is a subpar worker, or is just a bitch or a crabby old fuck… Maybe there’s more to the story than you realize. 

For people with “invisible” chronic illness, plugging themselves into the same expectations as a healthy person is one of the hardest things that they have to do every single day. It takes superhuman effort every day.

The truth of the matter is that for the proper care of their body they need about twice the amount of time off and rest that you do as a healthy person. But that’s usually not something that they’re able to get. There isn’t an amount of rest that’s going to “cure“ them. They are always going to need more downtime and rest than a healthy person. Always, for the entire time that they are living. And this customarily does not get better with age, it gets worse.

This is why so many of us will run around trying every imaginable thing for improvement. Medications, supplements, diets, meditation… Every possible option that comes down the pike. Something that lessens pain, gives more blessed rare energy, helps bolster the mood without 1,000,000 side effects. We will usually try them all. We spend an ordinate amount of time reading and researching trying to find ways to help ourselves.

Sometimes this comes across as being selfish or self focused. It isn’t that. It’s really just trying to find ways to meet the world’s expectations without feeling like you’re falling on your face every day.

So this is for everyone who deals with invisible chronic illness. I for one see you, even on those days when other people don’t. I know what you deal with every day. I know what it’s like for you to get up and do the things that everyone else takes for granted. 

I am very grateful for my life. I am surrounded by people that I love, even in the most peculiar and difficult of circumstances. I have goals that I work toward and that I am meeting. Amazing things happen to me all of the time… This weekend was a testament to that. Every day is a source of awe and wonder for me.

I’m not writing this to be negative. I’m writing it to build awareness. As you go through every day life just know that you probably know more people with invisible chronic illness then you realize. We are all around you, doing what we do. It’s so much more difficult than you could possibly imagine. So if we sometimes have a day when we’re not blowing sunshine up your ass,  please give us a pass. We really are trying our best. And we will continue to do so every day.

Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

One Who Sees

You used to think you were held down
And everything was sharp edges, walls and cages
You kinda liked the pain
It kept you alive
It was how you knew you weren't dead

So peculiar now
You don't need the pain
Who knew breathing in and out
Could happen without it
Almost didn't know what to do with it at first

Star stuff, pulling in what must come
Releasing what you can't carry, traveling light
There's no good or bad, dark or light, alone or together
It's all just here, you're finally owning your part in it
Conscious choices, and it's about fucking time
Owning your personal power and every last consequence

Once you figure out the horrible moments won't actually kill you
You're just so much less risk averse
What exactly were you waiting for? Permission? Guarantees? A map or guidebook?
One foot in front of the other baby
Eyes and heart open, spirit soars
You are One Who Sees

Whatever comes now
You're awake and dancing with it
Completely present
Life isn't happening to you
YOU are happening




Friday, February 10, 2017

What We Are Willing To Ignore

I find myself in an odd place this morning. This isn't a raving, angry political post. It's....a search to make sense of something.

A few weeks ago, I made a decision to stop having political conversations on social media. I decided that I would remain informed and do what I felt was best by taking action in the real world, instead of having keyboard fights and staying in the useless energy of fear and rage. I decided my actual involvement and action in the real world was what is key now, and not what I put on Facebook.

I am not sorry I made that choice, it is the right one for me. It still is. The peace of mind it has given me is absolutely worth it. And I'm already involved in several things I was not before, so I am happy to be taking concrete actions that I feel will help where I feel strongly about things.

The past few days, I have been really thrown for a loop by the reaction many people have had to Elizabeth Warren's reading of Coretta Scott King's letter and statement regarding Jeff Sessions.

I, too, think that the conduct of our politicians, and frankly of many of us (myself included at times) has been reprehensible as we scream, yell, label, libel, character assassinate, and worse. We have lost sight of working for the greater good of all. I, too, feel strongly that we must expect more of our elected officials - and ourselves.

However, there's something missing here. Jeff Sessions record, his actions and statements throughout his career are a matter of public record. He has been bypassed for appointments before by the Republican Party specifically because of this record.

This week, a white woman tried to read a letter written by a black woman that simply and clearly points out details of that record.

Suddenly, her actions are inappropriate, divisive, and wrong and must be censored.

When you stand out there for all the world to see and make who you are abundantly clear, consistently, for years, as Jeff Sessions has done, having someone simply point out what you have done is not inappropriate or divisive.

I think we really need to ask ourselves. What are we defending here when we need so desperately to shut these two women up?

It is not character assassination to simply state what someone has publicly done and said.

Racism. Sexism. Being so overwhelmed with all the conflict that we can let something like this go by, as long as we can have a few minutes of peace. Perhaps it is a mix of these factors.

I'm one of the people who has begged for peace of mind and an end to the conflict we have been in, since way before the election. I've even read articles by mental health professionals that say it is truly unhealthy for us all to be in this state of constant conflict, fear, anger and anxiety we have been living in.

I'll continue to avoid conflict on line as much as I can, because it drains me too much and I can't be of any use that way. That's my choice. I'll continue to focus on well thought out, constructive real world action for the highest good.

For me, that does not include ignoring what is right in front of my face. The truth doesn't change just because it makes me feel shitty. What we are willing to ignore says just as much about us as what we do and say.

Woman

And in those days
When truth became sedition
The people found
WOMAN would not be silent

She would not be shushed
Or convinced that her femaleness was only fulfilled
In silent submission
And decorative acquiescence

Instead
She spoke the truth with dignity and boldness
She backed it up with action
Action that built something lasting
It was good for ALL of the people
And for the beautiful land they lived in
She rolled up her sleeves
And did the work
People joined in
And it was good

She was sovereign unto herself
And so
WOMAN would not be silent
She was one
She was a multitude
And she changed the world

Thursday, November 17, 2016

New Territory

I've been asked by a lot of people why "we" just can't "move on." People say "it's over, the people have spoken" and "why are you still so upset?"

OK. I've taken more than a week to try and gather my thoughts.

Like most of us, I've always had plenty of friends and relatives who did not agree with me on everything, whether it was political, social, religious/spiritual, or what. I never had an expectation of being surrounded by clones who only believe as I do, so that's fine. Diversity of ideas and ways of being and doing are beautiful.

For the most part, we have been doing great, because I know who you are, and you know who I am. Your differing beliefs, for those of you in my life anyway, were not harming anyone. No one I knew was persecuting anyone, or acting out in hate or supporting anyone who did.

Then this election happened. This isn't like any situation we have ever been in.

Look. I get it. You didn't vote for him because you personally are an advocate of any of hate, taking people's rights away, or anything else that harms people and endangers our environment. You were focused on the things he said he would do that would help you and your family.

But you see, he DID say those things, horrible, ugly things. And he has been and is continuing to surround himself with people who have dedicated years of their lives to taking actions that DO hurt people and endanger our environment.

I will not look past those things. I will not look past the comments aimed at Mexicans, people of color, the disabled, Native Americans, the poor, or LGBTQ. I won't ignore the way he speaks about women. I will not look away from the records the people he is surrounding himself with have as far as how they talk about and treat people.

People I love, and many more I have never met are scared, shocked and frightened. They have good reason. And I'm damned well going to have their backs, and stand with them, no matter what. Understand that right now. I choose this, consciously. For me, it is the only choice.

Some of my friends have spent a lifetime - A LIFETIME getting to the point where they felt that they were safe and that there might be some people and places where they are loved and accepted. Still others never experienced this.

Imagine that, if you can, that you are hated, vilified, and in danger every day because of who you are. What is that like? Many of us have never had to deal with that.

This is hard. Because I love you, you know? But these things, they speak to the very heart of who we are and what our inner integrity says about how we navigate our lives,

You tell me that you weren't saying those things are ok. But it is happening, right out there for all to see, and I guess you were ok with putting that aside. That's the part that I'm having such a hard time with right now. I don't know where to put it. How do I reconcile that with who I know you are?

What is happening right now is NOT ok. It is not ok. The line stops at me. And with millions of us who are not going to let people be treated this way.

So there it is. Please stop asking me to go home, be quiet, and stop being upset.

Everyone brings something to the table. Some will speak. Some will create shelter. Some will work to improve local, state or federal government. Some will heal. Some will pray. Some will donate. Some will advocate. Some will teach the children. Whatever part we play, we are not going away.

i wish no one ill will. I, and many like me, will be working through this non violently.

I still love you. But right now, this needed to be said.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Distraction and Illusion

What is this most peculiar feeling the last couple of days?  I feel it in the morning quiet. 

Spider greets me in the bathroom. She reminds me it's out there somewhere, on the web. Be still, she says, where is it that you feel the slight tugging on the web?

Ah. Yes.  I do feel it. It is not actually a something, after all. It is the ABSENCE of a thing. 

My dear old friends, distraction and illusion. They aren't here anymore. I sent them away. We used to hang out all the time. We were BFF's. They kept me from being right here, right now...in this moment, doing what I'm doing and feeling what I'm feeling. It was their job, and I loved it.

They were there every day to remind me that my truest life, and everything good was "out there somewhere" or attached to certain people or situations. The point they made was that it was never OK to be exactly in this moment. Here. Now. So right now, right here was not good enough, was powerless and had no value. And so was I, until I "got there."

I adored my best friends distraction an illusion. I loved having them around. I never really had to face right now. Because everything good was always in some nebulous future, I never had to put in the work and I never had to worry about failing. 

I had installed myself in the most ridiculous catch 22. I was always assuming that everything good was in the future, always holding the present moment in contempt, and always the in an endless cycle of striving to get to the "good stuff." And, the "next great thing" that was going to "change everything" kept switching out every few months as I discovered that instant gratification wasn't coming. It was miserable. 

Make no mistake. I've broken up with distraction and illusion before. But I've always ended up making the late-night panicked phone call and called them right back.

But not now. It's over. 

So this morning, as I sit in the morning quiet before getting ready for work, I am enjoying the space that is no longer filled by my old friends distraction and illusion.

 There is beauty, and power in this exact moment. I wake up every morning and I know what steps that I need to take to my goals. Most of the time there is not actually instant gratification. But, there is a quiet sense of purpose, a new understanding of my personal power, and a sweet peace that I haven't known in many years. I trust my path, I trust what's inside, and every day I'm doing the work of my life. I trust and love what is here in this moment, and I trust and love tomorrow.  I know what I'm building, where I'm going. I know why I'm here. 

Crooked little path, indeed. And I'm just loving it.