Friday, December 22, 2017

Line Drawn

I really cannot give you 

What you simply haven’t earned 

I reached out to you so many times 

And each time I got burned 

You stayed inside that little box 

And never truly saw 

The pain that you were causing me 

Your one true fatal flaw 

You see you’re beautiful in so many ways

You’ll always have my love 

But after a while I grew thick skin

Called out for help from above 

I finally learned to give myself 

The love you never could 

And now I walk in my own truth 

You’ll be my friend for good 

 But never again the gift to give 

The sacred now withheld 

My love requires special care 

In the end, my heart rebelled 

Again I’ve learned that broken 

Will open you and change your shape 

So difficult, but good and true 

Reworking my landscape 

I hold you no ill will

I wish you joy and light 

But I must live for myself now 

I’ve given up this fight 

Monday, October 2, 2017




I’m sharing this using my own words. There are a few versions going around. 

All I ask is that you read this all the way through. Please. Thank you.

There are many illnesses that people walk around with every day which are invisible to everyone else. 

There is a huge gap between the place where someone is diagnosed with one of these illnesses, and the place where they are considered “disabled“ by the government.

This means that there will usually be decades where the person walks around with the crushing fatigue and pain of a major illness, all while being expected by the rest of the world to compete with healthy people, to do what healthy people can do. 

At home and on the job, there is often the perception that perhaps these people are lazy, crabby, grouchy or bitchy, that they have a bad attitude, that they don’t care, that they are negative, that they don’t have any drive or ambition, or that they don’t want to do well.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth of the matter is that they’re using every bit of energy they have to be able to get up and shower and walk through the day and do tasks that you find so simple and take for granted.

Yes. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Celiac Disease, Sjogrens Syndrome, Reynauds as well as an anxiety condition. The Arthritis, Sjogrens and anxiety have historically been the ones that kick my ass. 

I am not sharing this for sympathy. And I’m not posting it just for myself. I’m posting it so that people might get an understanding.

The person that you run into every day who you maybe think has a bad attitude, is a subpar worker, or is just a bitch or a crabby old fuck… Maybe there’s more to the story than you realize. 

For people with “invisible” chronic illness, plugging themselves into the same expectations as a healthy person is one of the hardest things that they have to do every single day. It takes superhuman effort every day.

The truth of the matter is that for the proper care of their body they need about twice the amount of time off and rest that you do as a healthy person. But that’s usually not something that they’re able to get. There isn’t an amount of rest that’s going to “cure“ them. They are always going to need more downtime and rest than a healthy person. Always, for the entire time that they are living. And this customarily does not get better with age, it gets worse.

This is why so many of us will run around trying every imaginable thing for improvement. Medications, supplements, diets, meditation… Every possible option that comes down the pike. Something that lessens pain, gives more blessed rare energy, helps bolster the mood without 1,000,000 side effects. We will usually try them all. We spend an ordinate amount of time reading and researching trying to find ways to help ourselves.

Sometimes this comes across as being selfish or self focused. It isn’t that. It’s really just trying to find ways to meet the world’s expectations without feeling like you’re falling on your face every day.

So this is for everyone who deals with invisible chronic illness. I for one see you, even on those days when other people don’t. I know what you deal with every day. I know what it’s like for you to get up and do the things that everyone else takes for granted. 

I am very grateful for my life. I am surrounded by people that I love, even in the most peculiar and difficult of circumstances. I have goals that I work toward and that I am meeting. Amazing things happen to me all of the time… This weekend was a testament to that. Every day is a source of awe and wonder for me.

I’m not writing this to be negative. I’m writing it to build awareness. As you go through every day life just know that you probably know more people with invisible chronic illness then you realize. We are all around you, doing what we do. It’s so much more difficult than you could possibly imagine. So if we sometimes have a day when we’re not blowing sunshine up your ass,  please give us a pass. We really are trying our best. And we will continue to do so every day.

Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

One Who Sees

You used to think you were held down
And everything was sharp edges, walls and cages
You kinda liked the pain
It kept you alive
It was how you knew you weren't dead

So peculiar now
You don't need the pain
Who knew breathing in and out
Could happen without it
Almost didn't know what to do with it at first

Star stuff, pulling in what must come
Releasing what you can't carry, traveling light
There's no good or bad, dark or light, alone or together
It's all just here, you're finally owning your part in it
Conscious choices, and it's about fucking time
Owning your personal power and every last consequence

Once you figure out the horrible moments won't actually kill you
You're just so much less risk averse
What exactly were you waiting for? Permission? Guarantees? A map or guidebook?
One foot in front of the other baby
Eyes and heart open, spirit soars
You are One Who Sees

Whatever comes now
You're awake and dancing with it
Completely present
Life isn't happening to you
YOU are happening

Friday, February 10, 2017

What We Are Willing To Ignore

I find myself in an odd place this morning. This isn't a raving, angry political post. It's....a search to make sense of something.

A few weeks ago, I made a decision to stop having political conversations on social media. I decided that I would remain informed and do what I felt was best by taking action in the real world, instead of having keyboard fights and staying in the useless energy of fear and rage. I decided my actual involvement and action in the real world was what is key now, and not what I put on Facebook.

I am not sorry I made that choice, it is the right one for me. It still is. The peace of mind it has given me is absolutely worth it. And I'm already involved in several things I was not before, so I am happy to be taking concrete actions that I feel will help where I feel strongly about things.

The past few days, I have been really thrown for a loop by the reaction many people have had to Elizabeth Warren's reading of Coretta Scott King's letter and statement regarding Jeff Sessions.

I, too, think that the conduct of our politicians, and frankly of many of us (myself included at times) has been reprehensible as we scream, yell, label, libel, character assassinate, and worse. We have lost sight of working for the greater good of all. I, too, feel strongly that we must expect more of our elected officials - and ourselves.

However, there's something missing here. Jeff Sessions record, his actions and statements throughout his career are a matter of public record. He has been bypassed for appointments before by the Republican Party specifically because of this record.

This week, a white woman tried to read a letter written by a black woman that simply and clearly points out details of that record.

Suddenly, her actions are inappropriate, divisive, and wrong and must be censored.

When you stand out there for all the world to see and make who you are abundantly clear, consistently, for years, as Jeff Sessions has done, having someone simply point out what you have done is not inappropriate or divisive.

I think we really need to ask ourselves. What are we defending here when we need so desperately to shut these two women up?

It is not character assassination to simply state what someone has publicly done and said.

Racism. Sexism. Being so overwhelmed with all the conflict that we can let something like this go by, as long as we can have a few minutes of peace. Perhaps it is a mix of these factors.

I'm one of the people who has begged for peace of mind and an end to the conflict we have been in, since way before the election. I've even read articles by mental health professionals that say it is truly unhealthy for us all to be in this state of constant conflict, fear, anger and anxiety we have been living in.

I'll continue to avoid conflict on line as much as I can, because it drains me too much and I can't be of any use that way. That's my choice. I'll continue to focus on well thought out, constructive real world action for the highest good.

For me, that does not include ignoring what is right in front of my face. The truth doesn't change just because it makes me feel shitty. What we are willing to ignore says just as much about us as what we do and say.


And in those days
When truth became sedition
The people found
WOMAN would not be silent

She would not be shushed
Or convinced that her femaleness was only fulfilled
In silent submission
And decorative acquiescence

She spoke the truth with dignity and boldness
She backed it up with action
Action that built something lasting
It was good for ALL of the people
And for the beautiful land they lived in
She rolled up her sleeves
And did the work
People joined in
And it was good

She was sovereign unto herself
And so
WOMAN would not be silent
She was one
She was a multitude
And she changed the world

Thursday, November 17, 2016

New Territory

I've been asked by a lot of people why "we" just can't "move on." People say "it's over, the people have spoken" and "why are you still so upset?"

OK. I've taken more than a week to try and gather my thoughts.

Like most of us, I've always had plenty of friends and relatives who did not agree with me on everything, whether it was political, social, religious/spiritual, or what. I never had an expectation of being surrounded by clones who only believe as I do, so that's fine. Diversity of ideas and ways of being and doing are beautiful.

For the most part, we have been doing great, because I know who you are, and you know who I am. Your differing beliefs, for those of you in my life anyway, were not harming anyone. No one I knew was persecuting anyone, or acting out in hate or supporting anyone who did.

Then this election happened. This isn't like any situation we have ever been in.

Look. I get it. You didn't vote for him because you personally are an advocate of any of hate, taking people's rights away, or anything else that harms people and endangers our environment. You were focused on the things he said he would do that would help you and your family.

But you see, he DID say those things, horrible, ugly things. And he has been and is continuing to surround himself with people who have dedicated years of their lives to taking actions that DO hurt people and endanger our environment.

I will not look past those things. I will not look past the comments aimed at Mexicans, people of color, the disabled, Native Americans, the poor, or LGBTQ. I won't ignore the way he speaks about women. I will not look away from the records the people he is surrounding himself with have as far as how they talk about and treat people.

People I love, and many more I have never met are scared, shocked and frightened. They have good reason. And I'm damned well going to have their backs, and stand with them, no matter what. Understand that right now. I choose this, consciously. For me, it is the only choice.

Some of my friends have spent a lifetime - A LIFETIME getting to the point where they felt that they were safe and that there might be some people and places where they are loved and accepted. Still others never experienced this.

Imagine that, if you can, that you are hated, vilified, and in danger every day because of who you are. What is that like? Many of us have never had to deal with that.

This is hard. Because I love you, you know? But these things, they speak to the very heart of who we are and what our inner integrity says about how we navigate our lives,

You tell me that you weren't saying those things are ok. But it is happening, right out there for all to see, and I guess you were ok with putting that aside. That's the part that I'm having such a hard time with right now. I don't know where to put it. How do I reconcile that with who I know you are?

What is happening right now is NOT ok. It is not ok. The line stops at me. And with millions of us who are not going to let people be treated this way.

So there it is. Please stop asking me to go home, be quiet, and stop being upset.

Everyone brings something to the table. Some will speak. Some will create shelter. Some will work to improve local, state or federal government. Some will heal. Some will pray. Some will donate. Some will advocate. Some will teach the children. Whatever part we play, we are not going away.

i wish no one ill will. I, and many like me, will be working through this non violently.

I still love you. But right now, this needed to be said.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Distraction and Illusion

What is this most peculiar feeling the last couple of days?  I feel it in the morning quiet. 

Spider greets me in the bathroom. She reminds me it's out there somewhere, on the web. Be still, she says, where is it that you feel the slight tugging on the web?

Ah. Yes.  I do feel it. It is not actually a something, after all. It is the ABSENCE of a thing. 

My dear old friends, distraction and illusion. They aren't here anymore. I sent them away. We used to hang out all the time. We were BFF's. They kept me from being right here, right this moment, doing what I'm doing and feeling what I'm feeling. It was their job, and I loved it.

They were there every day to remind me that my truest life, and everything good was "out there somewhere" or attached to certain people or situations. The point they made was that it was never OK to be exactly in this moment. Here. Now. So right now, right here was not good enough, was powerless and had no value. And so was I, until I "got there."

I adored my best friends distraction an illusion. I loved having them around. I never really had to face right now. Because everything good was always in some nebulous future, I never had to put in the work and I never had to worry about failing. 

I had installed myself in the most ridiculous catch 22. I was always assuming that everything good was in the future, always holding the present moment in contempt, and always the in an endless cycle of striving to get to the "good stuff." And, the "next great thing" that was going to "change everything" kept switching out every few months as I discovered that instant gratification wasn't coming. It was miserable. 

Make no mistake. I've broken up with distraction and illusion before. But I've always ended up making the late-night panicked phone call and called them right back.

But not now. It's over. 

So this morning, as I sit in the morning quiet before getting ready for work, I am enjoying the space that is no longer filled by my old friends distraction and illusion.

 There is beauty, and power in this exact moment. I wake up every morning and I know what steps that I need to take to my goals. Most of the time there is not actually instant gratification. But, there is a quiet sense of purpose, a new understanding of my personal power, and a sweet peace that I haven't known in many years. I trust my path, I trust what's inside, and every day I'm doing the work of my life. I trust and love what is here in this moment, and I trust and love tomorrow.  I know what I'm building, where I'm going. I know why I'm here. 

Crooked little path, indeed. And I'm just loving it. 

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Witchy Morning Musings

Good morning loves! I've awakened with some thoughts coming from the fog and I thought I would share them.

There was a time in the past when I used to think… I guess I'm not "that kind of witch." What kind of witch?  Let me explain. 

There are times when I felt very much like a fourth-grader, surrounded by so many great minds, and so much wisdom. I am not half as well read as many of my peers, despite the number of books I read. There is so very much I do not know, and see this as I move through my days. 

Even in the company of those who are like me, we who built an entire life for decades prior to finding this path, and are now walking this path while still managing and now inevitably changing everything we built… I notice a certain intellectual approach that I definitely don't have.

It's interesting to reflect on it now, because for much of the time over the past few years this was a point of worry for me. I will admit to a certain feeling of inadequacy.

Now?  No. I adore learning, experiencing, gaining knowledge and finding application for it in the day to day. I absolutely love the process of new knowledge coming to me, sifting through it, integrating what works and tossing the rest, like a giant delicious buffet.

Like the great blue heron, I stand in the water. The earth is reflected in the water's surface. When I see delicious gems come by, I quickly devour them, without delay. The things that I ingest can be quite varied, and cover a wide range of subjects. This watchful approach, combined with quick action to "devour" things when the opportunity presents itself works for me. It allows me the flexibility of having many choices and much adaptability.  I have come to realize that this is an important part of who I am and how I operate.

This approach doesn't work for everybody. It's wonderful for me. I know so many who are concentrating on one area of knowledge and growth. They are quite specialized in a particular approach. I think this is beautiful to watch because in each case where I see this,  it is exquisitely perfect for the person. and it is always a privilege and a wonderful opportunity to learn from these people.

I am blessed to know so many beautiful witches to learn from, to walk with and enjoy the friendship of in this life. We are all different, we all bring something unique to the table, always such a myriad of different ways to walk this. There is so much variation in what each of us shines forth. 

And so finally at the tender young age of 51 years old… Ha ha… I find that I can reflect on all of this and have no worries. I'm not certain why I ever had any to start with.

 I like my quirky, eclectic, sometimes simplistic, completely bizarre but altogether perfect (for me) approach to my spirituality and my path. I love bringing together elements from absolutely everywhere to hone my craft. It's always mind blowing and so perfect the way it all fits together, when on the surface you'd never think that was possible. There is no aspect of life that is exempt from being a treasure trove to find wonderful and amazing things to pull in… the yummy. little gems are just everywhere.

I'm having fun. Whatever else may be going on, and there is always plenty, I'm truly having fun. What exactly would be the point if I wasn't? For me fun is necessary.

There are parts of who I am, what I know, what I recognize, how I practice and how I relate to this life on all levels that defy explanation using the English language.
And that my beautiful darlings is absolutely one of the best things about this life. Some things are known but simply can't be explained, and they don't need to be.

I have determined that I will continue to make this an adventure. Let's go babies, a new day awaits!

Friday, April 8, 2016


It's like we're all standing around screaming, "NO!  Listen!  My pain is bigger than yours so you don't matter! The entire Universe must stop for MY pain!" 

It's like we're getting our identity from our pain. 

Why can't we stand and look at each other, really SEE each other - and realize we're ALL in some kind of pain and then figure out ways we can help EVERYONE?  

What happened to the concept of The Common Good?  Why don't we see that helping our neighbors is the same as helping ourselves? 

Is it because we've lost track of who our neighbors are?  Does someone have to look and believe like me to be my neighbor?  We've become so afraid of those who are different than we are that we've lost our compassion, our humanity. 

And our fear is making us cold, small, and very ugly. 

I'm not a Christian. I'm a Witch. But I love the story Jesus told about The Good Samaritan.  I'd much rather be neighbors with, and in community with someone like the Samaritan. 

And say what you will, but our elected officials, especially these Presidential candidates, are using our fear against us. We are falling for it, too. 

It's time for a quiet revolution. One where everyone votes. One where we don't allow injustice. One where we understand that if all Americans don't have the same rights, then this experiment the founding fathers started fails and doesn't mean shit. One where elected officials go back to being PUBLIC SERVANTS and not sick leeches. One where we help the next guy, no matter who he is. One where being American stands for something, and where what we are together is bigger than what we are by ourselves.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Willful Blindness

The next time you find yourself really upset about something that someone else has that you don't, or  a benefit that one group has and another group doesn't have....

remember something.  

If the 1% would let up a little on what they are hoarding, there would be more than enough for everybody, and we wouldn't have to choose.

Does it really make sense for such a tiny little group of people in the world to have more wealth than their families could use for generations upon generations, often compiled not by hard work but by dishonest bending of laws to favor their interests?

Like many of you I had very hard-working parents. Having that kind of work ethic is instilled in many of us. But the 1% didn't work for what they have, unless you count manipulating everything our country was built upon for their own interests as work.

Yes, things definitely were different when we were kids. Corporations paid their fair share. We didn't have a 1% sucking the life out of everyone else. And while we all had the freedom to enjoy our own beliefs, we weren't so entrenched in them that we lost sight of the humanity of those around us.

We've lost our ability to find that middle ground, that place where we can find things that are for the highest good of all of us, so that everyone benefits. That's the whole point of society, it's the whole reason for community. It isn't about being right or having only your belief system be the "right" or "official" one. It's about finding a common ground where we can all work for things that benefit everyone. We have completely forgotten that that's the entire point of what our country was built on.

We are being played against each other to keep us blind to what's really going on. 

And you're all just falling for it.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Talking To The Magic

When I was a toddler, I would wake my parents up almost every night. Nowadays, I guess you would say that I had "night terrors." I would wake up calling out or crying. 

I remember very strongly at that stage of my life, during the day I was fine, happy. I had awesome parents, my mom stayed home. I played, I napped, I ate, we went to visit my memere, and it was sweet and good. 

But at night, when I was in my room alone, with no distractions, I would remember. I remembered a feeling, a place, somewhere before this place. I belonged there. Not being there hurt. So I called out in the night, like an SOS.

This went on for such a long time, with my mom and dad getting more and more upset, not to mention tired. They wanted to comfort me. I couldn't explain what I was upset about. And so it went, round and round. 

I remember one night watching them stand in my doorway talking. I could feel their love, and also their fatigue, and how much it was hurting them that they couldn't seem to help me. I knew from picking up their feelings that I was upsetting them. So after that day I didn't call out to them at night anymore. 

I would stack all of my stuffed animals around me on both sides so I was surrounded. Then, as I was trying to fall asleep and not be afraid, I would "talk to the magic." It was just a toddler's blathering at that point but I instinctively knew that someone was hearing me. 

I did this every night for many years, more than I admitted to anyone, until finally everyone's advice to grow up and be a young lady finally chased away what they called "fantasy and pretend." I automatically assumed that my conversations at bedtime must be pretend, too. So, I stopped. 

Or maybe another way of saying it, is that my psyche found another way to channel those feelings. It was at this time that my writing started. That was when my first efforts at short stories, diaries, journaling and making up stories and poems in my head really started. I remember later using a couple of the stories that I made up for assignments in English class, and my favorite teacher Mr. Ford said they were quite good. Mr. Ford was very handsome and so this made me very happy. But I digress…

It's actually really funny looking back now. Once I got old enough to play outside, I was always always out in nature, at my happiest in the woods, and I was always getting dirty. I loved climbing trees. Again, the "young lady" lecture, so my days of getting dirty eventually faded, too. 

It's been funny over this past few years, as my path has changed and expanded to look back on these things. 

I look back now as a 51 year old woman,  and I see that I have always been seeking that feeling of safety, home and peace that I remembered as a toddler, the sheer bliss, the unconditional Love, the feeling of the place that I was "before."

Part of my path for the last several years has been working extensively with the angelic realm. This is something that sets me apart from some witches, although I do know some who also do similar work. It was a very tender, happy thing to realize who it was that I was actually talking with as I fell asleep each night as a tiny one when I was "talking to the magic."

Three out of four of our beautiful New England seasons, I can be found out in nature. I love being in the woods, hiking trails, touching the trees and breathing the air. I'm learning to grow herbs, and I'm playing in the dirt again! 

I can look back now, and find touchstones, so many things that foreshadowed everything that has happened in the past five years. The universe is truly exquisite, and I'm just in awe when I look at how everything fits together.

I have really always been an "angel witch" -  I have always been on this path, I just didn't realize it.

As time moves on, and I get older, the less emphasis I find I actually place on linear time. It's a tool that we need for modern life. But this exercise in remembering who and what I am? That's what living this life is really about.

Peace. Rhythm. Love. Home. Passion. Pleasure. Service. Joy. Authenticity. Better every day. Enjoying dozens and dozens of ways to "talk to the magic" every day. That's the plan. 

What an amazing gift this life is.