2012

Why did I wait so long

Playing it safe, no risks

Stifled, frustrated by everything

Surrounded by situations

That are a bad fit

Thought I was doing the right thing

Being a "good girl"

Now I just want to SCREAM

Just tell everyone to GET LOST

LEAVE ME ALONE! 

My own fault

But no more

I made this bed

Now I'm unmaking it

Day to day

Small and large

Decisions

Living it right

TAKING RISKS

Letting you know up front

Not going back now

No more "safe path"

Sorry if this is hard for you

But I'm done with the easy path

I was created to LIVE

Thoughts on Christmas Day

I have quite varied thoughts on this Christmas Day.  The second half of this year has been one that has seen me in the midst of what my gals and I are calling my "mid-life crisis."  My husband and sons are also aware of it, since, if possible, I'm even stranger than usual.  My 3 best friends, my hubby and my sons are all dealing with the newest of my quirks wiith good humor, support and listening ears.  I am so grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life.  Today was a good opportunity to reflect on how blessed I am to have them in my life.

Although my inner journey this year has definitely manifested in my being much less "religious" than I ever have been, I am without a doubt more spiritual than ever. This, to me, is where I have always belonged.  The times in my life when I have embraced this approach have been the times that I have felt the most "at home" within myself, and this is clearly where I belong.

I am so very thankful for my family and friends.  During the last few months of soul searching, I have spent a good deal of time reflecting on my life, and frankly, whether I belonged in this life I am walking through every day, with the people I am with.  So far, I have come to two conclusions.  The first is that if you need to make changes, this means you need to get off your ass and ACT - if you know something in your life isn't right you need to take meaningful action in direction of what it is that you want.  The second conclusion I've come to is that if my head isn't screwed on straight, then dumping my life and the people in it and getting a "new everything" is not going to suddenly mean my head IS screwed on straight.  I love my family and friends.

The changes I need to make come down to this.  What makes me excited and passionate about life?  I don't feel that you can or should pin your happiness factor on your family and /or your friends, and expect them to fulfill that for you.  You should love them but let them be who and what they are.  This way,  you love and support each other freely and walk through this life together.  Your happiness, your passion - those belong to each of us and we are the captain of that ship!  For me, this is about poetry, writing, music, new challenges, expressing my world view through my work, and the way I live my everyday life - what kind of decisions - large and small - am I making daily that are make this journey authentic as far as who I am as a person?

Although some parts of the last few months have been difficult as I faced truths about myself, my life, my relationships and my decisions, I am glad that this excavation has been happening.  This journey has  been beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for anything - even the hard parts.  Without those difficult parts, I would never have those exquisitely beautiful moments, either.  That's where the poetry lives - in-between the lines of everyday life.

As I spend time changing my day to day decisions - I am walking closer to my truth each day.  Each moment of the journey is important.  Sometimes I screw up, yeah, we all do.  At times, I screw up in a stellar, BIG amazing way.  But each new morning is another chance to wake up, and rock this life I have! So, whether it's my look, my music, how I spend my downtime, volunteering, a job change, learning a new skill, or trying something I've never done so I can open up my horizons - every day is a gift.

I've got amazing friends. Nicole, Cindy and Becky - you are truly my sisters, and you add so much to my life. I know that what we have is rare and precious.  Thank you for the gifts that you are. My sons are one of the most amazing blessings in my life.  Mother is a heart-stopping, soul-altering experience and I am thankful every single day for Patrick and Joshua. Rob - you've walked this journey with me for over 25 years - through the good and the bad.  You are courageous, hard-working, and you manage to combine sensitivity and strength, and a sense of humor into one amazing person.  Also, inside of that 6 ft 3 inch frame, is a little boy, and I'm so glad you've kept him alive in there - because sometimes you let him out and he still sees the world with such wonder that it brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.  I'll love you forever, baby.

My mother is an example of the loving, giving person I want to be - you don't let anything beat you and if I have half your love and strength to give the ones I love, I'd be grateful - thank you for your example each day..  Brad - you face all of the difficult parts of your life situation with a sense of humor, and you teach me not to take myself so seriously.  Jean - we've come a long way - we dont always agree but we've built something that combines sisterhood, friendship, respect and loyalty.  No matter what happens, it's nice to know I have someone who has my back.

I have countless other friends and relatives that I am so grateful for, so many I could never name them all. Our cousins are so special to us, we love you so, so much!

Looking forward to 2012 - I want to keep what is good from 2011 -  the appreciation I have for family and friends, and a willingness to look - with open eyes- at myself and my life so that I can see what to keep in and what to leave out.  I want to move forward with an open mind and heart.  I want to try new things, be willing to take risks, and explore new territory. I'm ready to rock 2012.

Merry Christmas. Much love and light to everyone reading this, and to those you love.

Complicated Bliss

She is two sides of the same coin.
Nurturing one moment, self-absorbed the next
She can make you feel like the world revolves around you
And a moment later, make you feel like you don't matter
She loves you with everything that she is
But everything that she is can be complicated
You can't take the good without the bad
She's your living Yin and Yang
Hot and Cold.  Yours but not.
Always withholding something for herself.
She'd never step out on you, but you're always afraid she will
She's every color of the rainbow, all at once.
And the darkness is always there, too.  Simmering below the surface.
For better for for worse, she IS yours.
And you're a stronger man for having stood by her side.
And you give her the same.
Strength. Fire. Courage. Quiet understanding.
She knows in her heart that YOU'RE AMAZING
You're man enough to be hers.  And she's happy to be yours.
Comfortable only in your arms.
It will never be easy, but you figured that out a long time ago.
But, together, you shine so bright.  And that's the way it should be.

A Meeting with Myself 3

Today, in meditation, I went to the quiet places.  I met my true self there.  Today, she looked.....like  me.  Just exactly the way I look today, except perhaps more.....me..........more centered.  She was quiet in her demeanor today.

She said "What do you need right now?"  I couldn't answer her.

So, instead she asked me a question. "Why does the Eagle fly?"  For some reason,  I could answer that.  I said, "Because it's his nature to do so."  She smiled, because I understood.

What is it in MY nature to do?  Music, poetry, the spoken word - and using these to reach - to touch other people - this is what it is in MY nature to do. To borrow a line from Henry David Thoreau, if I "walk confidently in the direction of my dreams", then I am doing that which I am supposed to be doing. 

Yes.  The details of everyday life often feel like a drain, and threaten to take away the things that make us what and who we are.  But we cannot let this happen.  We must keep doing what makes us excited, stick with what we are passionate about.  I already know that when I do this, I am happier.  I have more love and patience and excitement to spend time with my loved ones.  So, no giving up. 

Follow  your dreams.

What Does Freedom Feel Like ?

A green place
The breeze blowing, I can feel it on my neck
Time to.......just be
Inhale.  Exhale.

I can let the words flow.
Unfettered.
I have time to sit, to figure out what's inside today
Time to let it happen

Then, I rise and seek you out
We can wrap around each other
And for this, too, there is time
Time to melt, blend together, and come away.....altered.

This is what freedom feels like.

Everyday Life

Taking joy in the everyday
Realize the truth
It doesn't have to be glamorous
At times,  it's very subtle
Quiet and Peaceful
There's power in the small
And vitality in those moments
The ones we spend together

So, by all means, reach out
Hear the music and let the words flow out
But use them to ADD TO
Not IN PLACE OF
Like spices added to a beautifully prepared meal
Not like a drug, something you use to avoid life

So, be that Rock N Roll baby, you know it's who you are
But rock the day you're standing in now
Live in THIS MOMENT
If you don't, you can't ever get anywhere

Life IS a journey - not a destination.

Separation

A few days I go, someone I follow on twitter was tweeting about missing their love, because one was travelling without the other.  I thought this was something we've probably all dealt with at some point in our lives.  I sat down to write and this is what came out.  Sometimes I worry that my "talent" for rhyming poems sounds a bit like a sappy Hallmark card, but the damn things keep coming out, and so here you go.

If thoughts have wings
And you know they do
Then you're not out of reach
I close my eyes, and there you are
I can always be with you

Connected.  We are always one.
Regardless of how far.
Amazing how the spirit flies
Even beyond the stars

Your smile, it's such a light to me
I can close my eyes and see
Till once again, when we can touch
Together, me and thee

Whine - no. Act - yes.

What a load of bullshit my last post seems like, now that I re-read it.  Sound whiney, doesn't it?  Really, if I want change I need to stop whining, get off my ass and MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Wild ...but Safe ?

Sometimes I think I will drive myself crazy.  .  I have these two parts of my personality that are at war with each other.  One part is the gal who has been playing it safe all these years.  She does a good job at work, pays the bills, takes care of her family - the usual.  And I love my family and friends.

Having said that, let me introduce you to the other part of my personality.  She 's a rock and roll girl who can't live without her music.  She wants to get in a fast car and just drive. She wants to travel and just let the days unravel - whatever happens happens, you know?  No schedule.  She wants to be out in the world during the day, and not cooped up in a cubicle, meeting people, talking, interacting, LIVING.

So - these two parts of my personality just keep warring with each other - "Safe Gal" would never think of doing anything that would hurt anyone, risk the income, or mess up the family in any way.

I don't even respect "the American Dream".  Ironic since I've been walking that path my entire life. Nothing like being a walking cliche - the good girl who wakes up one day and wants to go wild.  Really - that's just pathetic.  I do not want to be pathetic.

I guess the deal here is that I haven't ever, in 47 years - just did what I wanted.  I've always done what I "should" do.  I was a damned timid, rule following good girl when I was single  I defaulted into an office job that I took frankly to shut my parents up and it somehow led to a career in cubicle world.

So I think the problem is that now that I've opened up and taken down the walls I'm realizing that I bought  into something that was never really me. I need to keep being my unusual, funky self.  I see it every day - at work, with family and friends.  I am not your average gal who walks the expected path. I have always, 100% of the time, felt as if I have been trying to fit myself into a puzzle but I am the wrong piece - like this isn't my "picture."

The trick here is that I need to find a way to live my passion - a way to take my passion for music, poetry, the need to interact with people and share life experiences with them - somehow I need to tie all that in with a way to make a living.  This cubicle jungle thing keeps our little house of cards running and it feels like a trap sometimes.  But I'm not giving up.  Everyone has dreams and I am no exception.  I'm going to keep working at it.  I will find a way to take care of my family but be myself and live my passion.

I thank God for every day and I won't be wasting a moment of it. 

Morning Thoughts

I've got to keep it real
I have to be myself
Look at life through grateful eyes
But I won't sit on the shelf

Do my best, 100 percent
What I do each day is ME
Happy for my life this day
Blessed to know I'm free

If my path is not the truth
Gotta switch things out
Have the courage, face it now
Leave behind the doubt

Each new day a journey
I'll see you on the road
Walking through it hand in hand
Reality bestowed

Jekyll and Hyde

Content.......unsatisfied
Easy to please........impossible
Passionate..........dead inside
Nurturing...........cruel
Loving............mocking
Patient.............quick to anger
Understanding.............selfish
Heroic...........Coward
Overcome...........Give Up
Angel............Demon

I am all of these things, in turn....sometimes several at once.  I think at times, that I'll drive you all crazy.  I know I drive myself crazy.  But in the still quiet moments, when I seek that which is inside of my soul, I find all of these things and more.  This is the grace in the everyday, the poetry in each moment. 

Feels Good

Some days just feel good.  At times, it's because something awesome has happened.  Other times, it's just everyday life.  Today feels good for that reason, because my everyday life just feeeeels gooood. 

It wasn't an especially eventful day, really.  It was crazy busy, and I overdid things a little bit physically.  But I didn't let it get me down.  I'm always in this state of war and subsequent truce with my body.  Today I pushed things a bit more than was comfortable, but later my spirit and my body called a truce.  Now I'm relaxing with some hot chocolate spiked with a shot of Makers Mark and enjoying the down time.  My feet are saying "thanks, it's about time." So I feel like I did what I wanted to do and managed to find some balance.  Balance feels good.

I got to spend time with my man over the past few days.  Sometimes, really, everyday life kinda beats up on the two of us.  Circumstance, responsibility, and other factors combine and mean that by the time we take care of everything and everyone else, we may not have a  hell of a lot of energy or time for each other.  But we've stuck together all this time, and we've had great moments and really tough moments. That's what's beautiful - looking across the room at him and knowing that he has been there every single day, for the beautiful and for the hell moments.  It's just sweet, intoxicating.....crazy amazing when you can be this comfortable with someone.  God knows I'm a maniac sometimes - moody, unpredictable,  complicated - and doesn't he just keep rolling with it?  Love it.  That kind of love feels good.

I enjoy small moments in everyday life.  A conversation with a friend, an encouraging word on facebook or twitter, a song that really reaches inside, kickin' ass at the gym, the person at the store who started a conversation and really had me laughing, or listening to the banter between my sons.....punctuated by jokes and laughter.  All of these moments feel good, too.

I've been spending more time in prayer and meditation lately.  I'm less and less focused on organized religion but more and more focused on spirituality. The time I take, when I pull back from the everyday routine, and meditate, write poetry, listen to music and just allow myself to simply BE - just breathe in and out - this time is what has unlocked the appreciation I have for the world around me and for my life. 

I am so grateful every day for my life.  IT FEELS GOOD.

Am I Messin' You Up?

I've noticed lately that as I make changes in my life, to my approach to things, and the decisions I make on an everyday basis, there are people who are uncomfortable with this.  It's feels odd to hear questions and comments  that clearly come from the angle of  "For crying out loud, NOW what is she doing?"

It can be about my appearance, my poetry, my love for music, my "Sunday Time" (Sunday mornings I take off alone for a few hours and meditate, listen to music and write) or whatever the subject may be.  I guess as I make more and more subtle changes in myself, they are getting to be more noticeable.  As people notice these changes, they either (a) want me to stay the same so I don't change anything in their routine or (b) they don't want to face things in their own life that my changes bring to mind.  I do get that, but honestly I really can't go back to being "DON'T ROCK THE BOAT GIRL."

I'm not concerned with doing what's expected or what is proper.  I did that for a quarter of a century and all it got me was bored, tired and depressed.  I'm going to live my life, my way - my rules.  I'm finding the more I live my life the way that works for me, the better I am at taking care of the people in my life - so it's a win-win there, too. Well, all I know is that I'm happier than I've ever been and I'm going to keep rocking my life my way.  There's a deep-down, intrinsic feeling of "this is right" when I'm going in the right direction and an equally noticeable "uh-oh - this isn't working" when I'm clearly going down a road that isn't for me.  I'm getting better at respectfully and lovingly saying NO and pushing back in these situations. Life's a journey and I'm really enjoying it.  As time goes on, I find that other people's opinions mean less and less to me. I don't mean that in a negative way. What I'm talking about is not going the wrong way just to keep someone else happy.

I'm lucky.  I have a great life.  I have a man by my side who just keeps rollin' with it no matter how difficult I can be.  I've given that boy a run for his money over the years, and I couldn't be more grateful for his strength and love for me over the years.  You're one of a kind, my "boy next door" and yes, baby - I'd do it all again.  My sons are amazing human beings and I feel privileged that I was granted the gift of being their mom.  Truly, "mother" is one of the most beautiful, heart stopping, soul-changing experiences a woman can have.  I have three of the best friends a person can ask for - they're so amazing.  We have a special bond, and any of us would walk through hell and back for any of the others.  My true sisters, you're always there through everything and you are such a bright light in my life. 

So, I'm going to keep on being me.  Life works best for me that way.  For those that have made this journey more fun, and have lit the way - you fuckin' rock and I love you forever.

Walkin' It - Looking in Your Eyes

Day to day, walking it.  Making like a freak, feeling like myself. I'd rather be unusual than be nothing at all.  When you walk through everyday life, and really look around, you notice things.  There are such crazy, beautiful things in life.  And tragedy, too.  Have you ever tried to go through one day, and try to actually MEET THE EYES of as many people as you can?  Really look into their eyes.  Hold the gaze as long as possible, until they look away.  OK, yeah - sometimes people clearly wonder why you're looking so long.  But you'll SEE things, and I don't just mean the color of their eyes.  You catch glimpses of their truth.  You'll see joy.  You'll see hope.  You'll see desperation.  Horror. HELP ME!  You see, most of us can put on a good show and make like everything's OK. But we have a hard time hiding the truth in our eyes.  This is an amazing way to connect with people. These little micro-moments are such beautiful little pictures of the truth, of reality, of what it feels like to be in the other person's shoes, for just a moment.

What I think is beautiful about this is that you end up connecting in ways and with people that you might not expect.  Let go of your judgment, your thoughts and opinions based on that person's appearance, where you're seeing them, the role they're playing.  You don't know how they got there, and why it feels the way it does.  But when you look into their eyes, with just "I'm here, you're here, we're OK" then it's amazing - you can really "touch" another person.  It's like a window opens to their soul, and you got a little glimpse.  Just look and offer in your eyes acceptance, and acknowledgment.

Give it a try sometime.  Just go for a walk.  Keep your head up, greet people you see.  Make eye contact.

SEE ME, I'M IN HERE, SOMEBODY FOR GOD'S SAKE TELL ME I'M OK, I'M NOT WORTHLESS, I DO MATTER, I'M NOT A FAILURE, I'M NOT UGLY, I REALLY CAN MAKE IT, THERE'S MORE TO ME THAN THIS! I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL! .....it's all going on in there, if you just LOOK.

I dare you.  What do YOU see?

Another Spot on the Dial

Lately, I've been thinking.  I seem to come hard wired with 2 settings - OPEN and CLOSED. 

When I'm closed everything seems good on the surface.  But basically "closed" is when I'm  doing the "going through the motions" thing.  I developed this when I was a kid, I think, and really got good at it as I got older. I did everything I was supposed to, but if I didn't like what was going on or how I felt, I'd just shut off the emotional end of things and not really pay much attention to that aspect of life. I'd distract myself with food, TV and other things and I kind of just go through life putting in a half-assed effort at everything.  I don't care too much about the results of anything in closed mode. 

I can't write ANYTHING when I'm closed.  No poetry.  And music - which is the breath in my lungs - always has been - doesn't mean anything when I'm closed.

Inevitably, I decide I don't like being closed.  So, I start to pray and meditate again.  I make an effort to notice the beauty in nature again.  I appreciate my loved ones.  Really, the prayer and meditation open the floodgates.  And damn!  The poetry comes right back, so fast I can just about get it all written down.

The only problem is that "OPEN" feels like emotional road rash.  I feel everything so strongly!  It's as if my reactions are all out of proportion to the events in question - all day!.  Thinking back, most of what I consider to be my best writing has come when I'm an emotional clusterfuck - like now.

Why, I wonder, do I have to be so emotional, and feel EVERYTHING so strongly when I'm in this mode?  Really, it's no wonder I go back to closed every so often. I wonder if other poets or maybe songwriters ever run into this, or can people just crank out amazing things and not feel a thing?  I'm actually very curious. I seem to only be able to write when I'm so open that it literally hurts. Really, what a mess.

Now, granted, OK - I was in "closed" for quite a while this last time.  I'm thinking when I'm in "closed" mode I'm not really avoiding feeling things - I must be postponing them.  So, this time, when I got back into the "open" mode again, I practically drowned myself in all the unprocessed "stuff" that came flooding out.  Thank God for SIXX:A.M. the last couple of months - Nikki, DJ and James I love you, and thanks!

So, being the brilliant sort that I am, I'm thinking if I just STAY in open mode but just find a spot on "the dial" that's between "open" and "closed" then I can feel things at a normal level most of the time, but when I  want to write, I can really, truly, completely open up. Clearly, staying that way all the time is a bit overwhelming.

This isn't completely clear yet, because it's late and I'm tired---but bears more thought very soon. Next step is figuring out how exactly you achieve "partially open."  I'm "open" to suggestions!  HA

Unsophisticated

She convinces herself she's cool
Thinks she's moving forward
Making connections
Opening Up

Friends, acquaintances
We're all helping each other along
Right?  I mean that's what it is.
Yeah, that's what you told yourself

You said you didn't want to be a cliche
When all along you embodied the word
Fuck, you still do
Who were you kidding?  Just yourself apparently.

What did you accomplish
You scared little fuck
Hey by all means make your little "cosmic connections"
But at least be honest with yourself

Either ACT or don't
And if  you're not going to
Then don't pretend
Be the coward

Or don't - but ACT is a verb
Teacher said that implies you are doing something
And you haven't done anything.....at.....all

OK, Just This Once

There's a reason I stopped writing in my other blog "Day to Day with R.A."  Honestly, for me, walking around preaching at people about my arthritis just isn't for me.  I know that many other people with arthritis have done a lot of good by sharing their stories on blogs and encouraging each other.  For some reason I just can't seem to build a comfort level with it.  I did try, I really did.

I'm not saying I want to hide it either.  It's just part of me, like my poetry, my hair, my hazel eyes, the way I swear when I feel any strong emotions, or my music obsession.  It's not what defines me, it's just one part.

So, if you ask me, I'll tell you about it.  But I don't run around wearing it on my sleeve.  I just enjoy living my life, and walking through the crazy roller coaster of everyday life.

People say a lot of well-meaning things to me about my arthritis.  I especially enjoy the one where I can cure it with apple cider vinegar.  I had to smile on that one.

The thing is, I've been dealing with this for over 20 years.  And your helpful advice is OK - you really are trying to help so it's all good.  But, have an open mind.  If you really are interested in helping me, please let me speak also; allow me to tell you the rules.  Because there ARE rules.

Those of us who have been running (or limping, or shuffling) around with this for years usually have done a decent amount of homework.  I saw an interview with Motley Crue the other day.  Mick Mars was asked about his Ankylosing Spndylitis.  As severe as Mick's form of Arthritis is, he described it as "an inconvenience".  I've used that phrase a few times over the years myself, actually.  Mick also knew what gene was involved in A.S. and had read about some of the recent research that was done.

That's a great example of what I'm talking about.  You see, most of us really DO know the score.  We've talked to our rheumatologist, we've seen umpteen specialists, we've done the homework.  We know what we have, we know how it works, and we know what we can and can't do.  Can't sucks but there ARE "can'ts".  We do what we can until we can't.  We don't want your pity, because pity sucks and makes us feel small.  We would like your help sometimes, and we should ask for it if we need it.  The very coolest of friends are the ones who get used to the score and sort of just do some of those things without us having to ask.  You're fucking amazing and we love you for that.

For me, here are "the rules."  These are just for me.

(1) Move it or lose it - you can get yourself in trouble with Rheumatoid Arthritis if you OVERDO it because you can hurt your joints.  You can also get in trouble if you UNDERDO it.  If you stop moving something long enough ,you will stop moving it. Period.  So, by all means, move your ass.

(2) Medication - less is more.  There are medications you will have to take, whether you are happy about this or not.  Usually they have side-effects. Arthritis is an auto-immune disease, meaning your body is attacking itself.  You can't "fix it" easily.  Talk with your doctor and find out what works for you, then take the smallest/least dosage that gets you the results you and your doc are looking for.  Ask a ton of questions.  You're going to be on medication for the rest of your life so don't go crazy taking a ton of everything.  Be selective and stay well-informed.

(3) Healthy Habits - get enough rest/eat right/find other ways to manage your disease.  I find meditation helps quite a bit. Do things that make you happy, things you're passionate about.  Being happy is great medication, it's free and there are no side-effects.

Some days, you'd never know I have R.A. if you didn't look directly at a couple of my fingers.  Other days, it's more obvious, in the way I move.  So, by all means, offer your advice, I'm open - maybe you know about something I haven't heard.  But please, keep your EARS open too.  Thanks for listening.

 

Don't Fade On Me *

We're connected
So don't fade on me
Don't think you're not important
Keep shining your light
And so will I
Helpin' each other along.

*Giving full credit to Tom Petty & Mike Campbell for the phrase "Don't Fade on Me" which I first heard in a song written by them.  I do not own the lyrics, they do and no copyright infringement is intended!

Walking the Blade

You thought you wanted order
Only wishing to be numb
But when you tried it out for size
It turned out that was dumb

Only when you walk the blade
And feel it cut you through
Teeter along, you see both sides
And then it's clear what's true

The words only come with open eyes
And living life means pain
You only see the joy, the sun
If you've also felt the rain

So walk the blade, and feel it all
Embrace the good and bad
Bleed, and cry, rejoice and sing
Never miss what you had

Alone

There is a difference between
Alone
and Lonely
Today I take time away
Seeking solitude
I must do this
Compelled to find the quiet places
Where there is nothing
Hearing the voice within
A moment
Alone in the Universe
But forever connected
So I seek out this time and make it my own
It is this which keeps me sane
Yet dancing on the edge of madness
I will come often to the quiet places
And find my soul there

Beautiful Darkness

The outline of the branches
Dusk
A grey November sky
Haunting and stark in it's beauty
There is life in the darkness
Just as there is light in your soul
In spite of the same
Small moments
In the silence, we pause
The sacred lies between the lines
In the wind it speaks
Some can hear it, tho' it is always there
Whispers in your ears
Into your spirit, caressing your soul
And you do not know if you should rejoice or weep

What You Said You Wanted

The why's and wherefores don't matter
Excuses,  justifications now empty
The things you hide behind are empty now
You say you want to be set free
But you know the truth of the matter
The juxtaposition, the struggle, the squeeze
When you cry out 
Convinced you won't make it
Close your eyes
In the peace of the quiet places
You see the beauty in the struggle
It will always be so
For this is being human

A Moment Missed

A moment comes/I take the safe road/So very aware that I missed something/Need to grow a set/How long/How often/LIFE DOESN'T WAIT

Skimming Stones

It occurs to me that you can't just keep skimming across the surface of your life like one of those stones people use at the lake, to skip across the water.  That's really what I'm doing right now.

I know generally, but not specifically what I want.  I haven't decided on a direction.  So, I'm just bouncing around from one thing to the next, sort of putting in half-assed effort at everything because I don't see anything I'm doing as "real."  It's sort of like, "hey, it's not my permanent gig, you know?"

OK, so exactly what IS my permanent gig?  I need to do the work - finish excavating this.  I know there's gonna be fallout - it's going to mean other people are affected and so I think I'm avoiding doing the last of the work.  Can't do that forever. 

Actually - I know people who DID do that forever - and lived their lives in a state of resigned, "heavy sigh."  They did give up.  That's not me.  I plan to LIVE. 

On Being (Hallelujah)

I didn't think I could feel "Hallelujah" anymore.  You said you didn't believe.  And you were broken, but you sang it out anyway.   Both your joy and your brokenness were there for me to see. Sometimes we are broken, but we sing out in spite of it.  The sound makes my heart soar, even as it weeps.  Even when it's not working - when absolutely nothing is working, I can still enjoy simply being. And if you're doing it right it should hurt, and feel amazing and joyful all at the same time.  This is what life feels like.  You can't have one without the other. You have to find what feeds your soul and go with it, because when you follow that, you'll find what you need and you'll be where you're supposed to.  This is what  life feels like.  Pain and Joy are two sides of the same coin.  If you have the courage to embrace both, then you'll catch a glimpse of true beauty, both LIFE and DEATH.  BEING.

Connected - Thoughts on Social Media

I don't know you. But briefly, we "touch."  You're not my friend, and you probably never will be.  But we do "read" each other.  Your comment brings a smile, or maybe a full belly laugh.  You feel a small stab when you read about something tough I'm dealing with, because you've been there.  Maybe we like the same music.  There are those who say these aren't "real" relationships, and OK, true - they're not. But they do serve a purpose.  We do "touch" each others lives, and add laughter and encouragement to one another.  Our little electronic "moments" together do create some good.  So, thanks for being around, I'm having fun  and hope you are, too.

Facing It

No easy answers.  This will be tough.
It's complicated.  But I can't hide from it.
I feel like I need to fly away, that I'm so close to finally finding me, but so many hands are pulling me down.
They're all grabbing my ankles, telling me to stay and urging me not to rock the boat.
But that's because we're all attached together in this sick little co-dependent freak show imitation of the fucking Waltons.  They can read the signs, I'm different, in small subtle ways, and it's freaking them out.  I actually enjoy that aspect of it, and that's your first sign I've let this go on much too long. If they accept the changes in me, they'll have to look at themselves and our stupid little house of cards.  We're all huddling together in here holding up these walls but the air in here is sick and it's not good for anyone.  Mind-bending, unbelievable inertia!  I wanted to do this in a methodical way, help them get used to it, make sure they're all OK.....who am I kidding. Will I ever be able to really have change if I keep the same modus operandi ?  Isn't that the definition of insanity? I don't hate them.  I love them, mostly.  But we're smothering each other to death. We're settling, acting like people who have already given up.  NOT ME - I am LIVING my life.  I know my path now, and I have to follow it.  I know now I can't do that and avoid hurting people.  I won't hurt you, any of you, on purpose, but if you are upset because of the direction I have taken, I am sorry - but I cannot and will not turn back.

Living

We don't know what will happen from one moment to the next in life, do we?  But really, isn't this beautiful?  Knowing this helps us to appreciate the moments we have, each and every day.  Every face you see, behind that face is a soul.  THAT SOUL IS BEAUTIFUL. Do we look past appearances, impressions, and really SEE the people we speak to every day?

Sometimes, I think the world is so amazing and beautiful that it will kill me just to keep looking at it.  Maybe that comes with the poetry.  I think it does.  Because when I don't really look at the world and I let everyday life and TV, food, worries - whatever -  distract me, during these times the poetry dries up.  I begin to hate feeling numb and so I open back up.

Inevitably, being open is like WHOOSH - a wind blows through my soul!  The world we live in amazes me, I can find amazement in the smallest thing.  Nature mesmerizes, entrances me.  The faces of the people around me make me want to know more.  Stop - let me look into your eyes.  If we make eye contact I'll see the truth in your eyes - and you will see the same in mine.  Are you afraid to let me see?

Why would we not want to live every moment to it's fullest?  You get one go-round folks, one ticket to the fair.  So, feel the wind, kiss your kids,  make love often and in interesting places, and reach out to people.
I haven't always lived this way, but I'll be damned if I'm going to waste any more time.

Yeah, OPEN feels a little raw at first.  But really, there's no other way to do it.  Kick every day's ass.  LIVE your life. We don't have to be perfect, we'll make mistakes and fuck things up.  We'll laugh our asses off and sob in grief sometimes, too.  But, on this ride we'll touch each other, and we'll live and love and reach the end of the journey having truly LIVED.

What a Ride!

Sometimes we feel broken
We want to look away
We'd rather go and hide somewhere
We just can't face the day

In these moments when we doubt
We find we can be strong
Embrace it, face the weakness
Getting numb is wrong

No help to distract yourself
Not going anywhere
Run from it today my friend
It'll find you, here or there

So off your ass, and wipe the tears
Lace up those walking shoes
There's light still, even in the rain
And joy beyond these blues

The sun comes out, and light will shine
Your soul will open wide
Yeah, sometimes this is scary
But baby WHAT A RIDE!

A Meeting with Myself 2

Today in meditation my true self presented herself to me again.  She was youthful in appearance, energetic and vital; without actually BEING young.  She was very joyful.  She told me that wanting is useless, and robs us of our ability to manifest our best life.  She said that life is all about INTENT.  If you stop thinking that something cannot happen, and believe that it CAN and it WILL and that YOU will make it happen, then it will indeed happen. 

When you have strong intent that you WILL manifest something, the Universe opens for you.  She asked me, "Are you beginning to see?  It's about putting one foot in front of the other, every day, in the direction of your dreams.  You have to believe, even when it is very hard to get up and do what you need to do."

Believe, every day, with strength and conviction that it will happen, no matter what your circumstances and no matter what is going on around you.  It will happen.

November Thoughts

The shapes on the water , when the breeze hits them.
I'm watching the leaves skipping across the ground
This place is dormant, but alive
In each season
New and beautiful things
Birth and Death
Moving forward, as we must also do
I am not afraid of my seasons
For in each one
Are new and wondrous moments
The sun, the smiles of my loved ones, music and poetry
Bring it on!

I AM

The one who is speaking
In my mind, to my spirit
I knew that it was I AM
Told me not to run
Everyone you meet is here to share a piece of the truth with you
Honor that
No one person alone
Can ever complete another
We can walk together
Sharing love and laughter
Good times and Bad times
We can touch the soul of another
But only in the quiet places
of our souls
The one who IS speaks
And here only we find completeness
But only if we look within - not without

Juxtaposition

Am I empty?
Am I full?
Pieces, Fragments
Knowing that I cannot run
And must always look things straight on
The knowlege that I carry
Tells me what I must do
At once impatient, and at peace
Finding Joy with you
Yet still knowing the change is coming
When you walk your Truth
It falls into place
I will trust in this daily
No need to hide

Not Giving Up

The next couple of days are going to be one of those situations where you've done everything you can and you're still gonna get screwed.  I'm not going to let it get to me.  I really have worked as hard as I possibly could and I will hold my head high.  I will get through this. No - even better.  I'm not only going to get through this but I'm going to find a way to make this situation even better.  It's time to stop allowing myself to feel trapped - if a situation isn't right for you, get off your ass and change things.  This is what I'm going to do.  It's going to be hard.  To quote Sixx, "This is Gonna Hurt."  But NO GIVING UP.

A meeting with myself

Today in meditation, I saw my true self.  We have met and spoken before, when I come to the quiet places.  She embraces me, always delighted and filled with joy that I have come.  Today she showed herself to me as an old woman.  Long grey-white hair cascaded down her back.  Her eyes shone brightly, and reflected within them was joy, warmth, truth, and much urgency.

"Do you know how much power you are giving up?"  She told me that when I numb myself, I give away the truth of who and what I am, as if it were so much trash.

She told me again.  "In your greatest weakness, you will find your greatest strength."  We have had this discussion before and it always scares the hell out of me.  I like to be strong, ignore weakness, pretend it's not there, take care of business.....I'm not overly fond of being vulnerable or weak.

She explained to me that whether it is my arthritis, emotional or family issues, or the truth that pierces my heart in the every day, that I need to continue to be truthful and share these things in my everyday life.  I have to continue to write my poetry and be truthful about my life.

"Each day that you walk in truth and look at life through it's lens is a day that you walk closer to the day that you and I are one.  Every moment of the journey is important, so do not miss the small miracles in the everyday."

 As I opened my eyes and looked around at the stark beauty of the late autumn morning, I thought to myself that perhaps it does make a difference if we, each of us, doesn't walk through life with our eyes OPEN, and being truthful about our journey.  Perhaps this is how we help each other, and how we are supposed to truly live and love our way through each day - each moment.

PARTICIPATE

Be a participant in life
Not a bystander
Look life in the face
Tell fear to FUCK OFF
Move, breathe
Be active
LIVE

Membership

 Membership
In the Human Race
Is not optional
You are here
And you are a part
Of what we are
It's OK
Don't worry about your scars
We all have those here
All that is required
Is that you truly be here with us
ALIVE
OPEN
Come on in, we're happy to see you

The Rejected

Those whom you have rejected
Are the most beautiful
It has not been easy
But in their pain
They have SEEN life
Seen her for what she is
There is no ugly, and no beauty
There is simply life
I am here, and you are here
The mother manifests life
In myriad different ways
There is LIFE all around us
So let me look into your eyes
Let us sit and talk
I want to touch you. 
I need you.
For in the mirror of your eyes
I see my own soul
We are not ugly
And we are not beautiful
We are simply ALIVE
As we truly are
I thank you for the gift that you are
Only in truly seeing the other
Can we ever really know ourselves

A moment (Purgatory Chasm, Sutton MA)

It is very still here.  The leaves moving slightly in the cool breeze.  Everything is dormant.  But there is life here, and so much beauty!  Was this always here?  How did I not see you?  She is our mother and we are all connected..  All that was created is BEAUTIFUL. We cannot turn away.  We must not be numbed. Touch. See.  Feel.  Never turn our backs.  Let them know of our love, in the everyday.  For in these small moments life is truly lived.  And THAT is how we create eternity.

No Apologies

Heavenly Thoughts
Earthly Needs
I need to touch
I need to feel
I am an angel
I'm a demon, too
Higher purpose
Walk in the light
There is always darkness, too
My soul is both
Passion for life
Exhibits all around
My mind, my words, my body
I embrace all that I am
No Apologies

Neat Little Houses (OPEN)

Bishops and pawns
Houses with lawns
An orderly mess
So shall I confess?

Angel and Demon
I scare myself every day
But I will face me
My soul OPEN
To my own examination
And the world's
OPEN
It's scary
And it hurts
But OPEN
Is also ALIVE
And I need to live.

A Process

Numb, Distraction
Don't Look
Don't Think
If you STOP
You might feel something
And the EMPTY
Will be so HUGE
Swallow you up

Waking up
Scary
Uncomfortable
Not used to the feeling
You're frightened
Face It
Look it straight on

Walk
New Morning
Feel It
Pick at the scab
Understand it
So you can heal it
Walk through it
SURVIVE

Sunshine at SIXX: A.M.

Looking in your eyes
It really is the mirror to the soul
You're beautiful
And you made the sun come out
I was hiding in the dark
Shared your light and
It made me wanna come outside again
Gotta thank you for that
Now the world is beautiful again
And I'm happy to be here

Making Deals

Part and parcel
Making Deals
Compromising
Makes it Easier

Didn't know
It would turn out this way
Changed who I am
And that wasn't the plan

I have to pull it all apart
And make a fucking mess
I know you'll all be so upset

I'm ready to stand up
And maybe you're not
We're all tied together
In this little house of cards

So, I'm sorry if my journey
is making you open your eyes
But I can't make any more deals
No more self-medicating

I'm walking
One step at a time
Forward
I can't stop
I won't stop
I am not going back
Not even for you

Uncomfortable

I'm putting the universe on notice
Today
Anything can happen
I will be myself
Walk my path
If you're in my life and you can handle that, good.
If you can't, I'll do it without you
And yes, I do mean it and understand the ramifications of that statement
My poetry
My words
They are going out into the world
Maybe no one will see them
Or perhaps a million will
I will not allow myself to continue to be raped by indifference
I will not continue to numb myself
I'm uncomfortable
I NEED to be uncomfortable
I need to look at
Where I'm at
What I feel
Who I am
Straight on
In the mirror
If this scares you
Or makes you uncomfortable
Then look away
But I'm not going to

Connection

Closed off, spirit gone
I blocked You out
I didn't want to see
The beauty wasn't for me
Afraid to open my ears
My heart I sealed off
And let my soul go dry
I could walk through this life
Quietly sensible
Doing what I should
And all would be okay
But it wasn't OK
Sensible
Duty, and supposed to
Don't fill your soul
The longer I closed my heart
The dryer became my soul
Afraid to open back up
Afraid of what it would feel like
But THE EMPTY is worse
The things I tried to fill it with
Do nothing to soothe my soul
The music is gone
And the lyrics ring hollow
I"m just inhaling.....and exhaling
But now - OPEN!
And in the stillness
The music
The reality
The still small voice
My life force returns
I can feel everything
I am connected to everything
And sometimes it does hurt
But it's also beautiful and amazing and wonderful
It's so beautiful that yes, there is pain in the knowledge
But I embrace it
This beautiful exquisite feeling
Because in feeling this
The gamut of what it is to BE
I know that I am ALIVE

The Performer

Did you know that I can see your soul?
When you open up and go inside
You go somewhere else, in that moment
Your eyes, they're closed
Your head thrown back
Looking toward the heavens
Feeling the wonder
You lose yourself in the moment
And in that moment - your soul bursts wide open
And I can SEE IT!
You have a beautiful soul
And that is why I come to watch
Because I have seen, and it was beautiful

Mirror

FACE IT
EMBRACE IT
LOOK AT IT STRAIGHT ON
IT'S ALL YOU
DON'T HIDE

Now

Blend your voices
Lend a hand
Stop a hurt
Walk this land
Make your way
And mark your place
Forever is tomorrow
And that's our ace
Trust, forgiveness
Reaching out
Truly seeing
Silent shout
I need to hear you
To see your face
Touch the earth
Heal this place

4ST

Love that big grin you get on your face
Joy in just that moment
Reminds me to do the same

We may be livin' on the edge
Sometimes it's pretty dark
We look for the light in each other

Keep smiling, sharing, and singing
It helps us keep the lights on when things are darkest
Thanks for the help while we walk this way

Wings

Plenty of focus
Trying to force it
It clips your wings
Spending time on such things
Cherish the days
Burn up the nights
The last chapter always comes

The Ride

Fear of taking a risk
Crashing into life
Not sure how to put the brakes on
If I can't control it
I've just gotta roll with it
No reason not to enjoy the ride
River keeps rollin'
Choice
Don't even get your feet wet
Or a ride down the rapids
Do you feel it too?
I need to take that ride

Frayed II

When you're frayed around the edges
And life is feeling crazed
Remember that YOU'RE in control
You can navigate this maze
Get right off the carnival ride
The decision is up to you
Don't let your life just happen
Make sure that things are true
Folks opinions are overrated
Your life is YOURS to live
So walk the path that's right for YOU
No apologies, nothing to forgive.

Squeezed

Squeezed into a little space
That’s how it sometimes feels
My thoughts, my life could be so BIG
They’re nipping at my heels
Check that box there’s not much time
Let’s get it done right now
I feel I could be so much more
If I only knew just how
I need some time, I need more space
To sit, unfold and BE
Would be a gift, unheard of bliss
To take this just for ME
I need to take the risk you see
Be willing to rock the boat
For if I don’t, if I’m too afraid
The scream dies, silent in my throat

Frayed

I’m frayed around the edges
I wish it weren’t so
Would prefer if I were “harder”
Not let things pull me to and ‘fro
I’m thinking about everything
What’s working and what’s not
And how to handle challenges
When issues get too hot
My heart is feeling raw today
I’m worried about much
Bills and health and goals we have
Logistics, plans and such
The things that bring me peace
When life can get too big
It seems I cannot get to them
It makes me want to wig
My friends, my man, my family
Some refreshing time away
They seem to be the very things
That get taken, day-to-day
I’ll keep on trucking on today
And tomorrow do the same
This ebb and flow will change, I know
That’s how we play the game

Thought for Today

I was a good little girl. I did what I was supposed to do. I grew up and I was still a good little girl.
I've spent my entire life doing what I am supposed to do, saying what I am supposed to say, wearing what I'm supposed to wear and showing up where I'm supposed to show up. I'm dependable. Yup, dependable. Put that on my freaking gravestone, that's just what people want to be remembered for - she was dutiful and dependable. Yipee. Really.

At this point, really - - I have to be honest. Being a good, dutiful person has gotten me what?
I'm tired, fat, old and bored. Big deal.

I love my husband, family, sons and friends. But my biggest fear in life isn't death - it's being ORDINARY. Everyone has the capability to be amazing. And right now I don't feel amazing.

It's like, there's more to me than this, if I could just stop checking off the required boxes long enough to figure out what I would really like to be doing !

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Hmmm.

I'm happy that I went back to finish my degree. But.....spending time and money on a business degree implies that this is really what I want to be when I grow up. (Yeah I know, I'm 46) It was OK to be in the business world for the last 25 years when frankly my entire career has been a combination of getting noticed for my work ethic coupled with a few happy accidents. For some reason now that I have to consciously CHOOSE this and spend money and effort, I'm balking........getting all existential - what I am I supposed to be doing.....etc? Why am I here? Is there something more I should be doing? Is this cubicle surfing all there is of me?

What is my problem? I didn't think anything of it all those years when the boys were little and I realized I was getting noticed and bid for various higher level jobs so we could try and balance our budget. I have a great job that I do like, with really cool people, people I enjoy working with. I keep asking myself why I can't just accept it with grace and be happy, and thankful for it. Get up every day and do it and be happy because it allows you to provide for your family.

Instead, for some reason since I've gone back to school, I keep questioning everything. I think that it goes back to one thing. I ended up in the business world accidentally. There was no family business, no inspiring example or specific job I was passionate about. High School was over and there was no money for college, so I needed to work. A family friend helped me get a job in the filing room of an insurance company and that was it.

I met my husband a couple of years later. We needed to provide for our children, and our budget wasn't working. So, I worked hard. This allowed me to bid for higher jobs. The pattern has continued. I've done really well for just a high school diploma. I've worked for some great companies and worked with some amazing people. Right now, I have a very nice job that I enjoy. I like my co-workers.

But ............ I question. Now that I am going back to finish my degree I keep feeling like something is wrong. It's like I'm finally stopping - finally coming up for air after 25 years of being on autopilot. Doing my duty. Do well - work hard, it'll pay off. And now that I'm sucking in that big gulp of air and re-evaluating I realize that I don't know if the business world is where I belong.

Yes I can survive here. I can do well. I can provide for my family. My company is good and my co-workers are awesome, they rock and they inspire me every day. But I've been cubicle surfing for a quarter of a century here, people!

WHAT THE HELL DO I REALLY WANT TO BE DOING? And if the Lord blesses me and my arthritis allows me to work until retirement, is this what I want to be doing? What about my writing? What about my lifelong wish to work for and really make a difference at a non-profit? What about the book I want to write, collecting stories of real Americans all over the country and getting published? What about all that? What about being amazing? What about that?

If I'm going to work another 20-25 years, if I am going to finance my own education, if I'm going to not drive myself crazy with all these questions, I think I need to figure out what direction I really DO want to go in.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I stay on autopilot I'll wake up old one day and look back and have regrets, about never fulfilling my potential.

No, I'm not going to go give my notice at work. I have too much responsibility for that! But I am going to spend some time this summer reflecting on what direction I want to go in for the next part of my life and create a plan for that. The job I am in now is a very good place to be while I reflect on that. So I'm not going anywhere right this minute - that's how I got into this situation, right? By moving forward on autopilot without thinking, without a plan. NO. This time I will think, pray, meditate, and research and figure out how to move forward and where I'm going anyway. In the meantime, I will give my boss and my coworkers and customers 110% because they are great people who give that much every day and they deserve nothing less.

I envy people who know/always knew what they wanted. I'm currently reading "North by Northwestern" by Sig Hansen. He amazes me. He knew he wanted to be a fisherman from the time he was a boy. He set out to do it, and he did it. And it's amazingly difficult, but he is exactly where he wanted to be, right where he belongs and because of that he is AMAZING at what he does. I want some of that. I sure as hell didn't know what I wanted when I was 12, and apparently I still haven't got a clue. But even if I take 40 years or so longer than Sig to figure out what I do want to do, I am going to figure it out, pay my dues, and be AMAZING at my destiny, too.

Meatball Surgery

The other day I was sitting in a meeting at work. It was a really good meeting, and covered some very interesting material. During this meeting I was very distracted. I had a large list of client requests, and was concerned about getting them done. As a result, I was of two minds during the meeting. As always, my focus was on getting things done NOW, in the moment. The meeting provided information that was training focused, things I would use at some future time. At the end of the presentation, which was very good, we were asked if we had any questions. I couldn't possibly imagine anything else we needed to cover, and continued to mentally chafe at not being out at my desk cranking out the deadline oriented items on my desk.

It was at this point that one of my co-workers asked a question. It was a good question, and brought to light some information I wouldn't have thought of. It was very useful and helpful information. Clearly my co-worker thought more long term than I did. She's very busy too, but she could see the big picture where I missed it.

On my way home from work that night, I thought more about this. This has absolutely happened to me before. I asked myself what contributes to this tendency that I have to be my best self in the moment, when I need to scramble, but to have such difficulty with planning ahead and focusing on long term goals, and moving slowly?

Was my lack of college a contributing factor? I'd always told myself my experience more than made up for this. But was it really true? I continued to run into situations that showed me that perhaps I HAD missed something. My college educated peers did seem to have some knowledge and perspective that I didn't at times. I also wondered, was part of it due to my family's lack of social connectedness, which left me ill equipped to handle the working world? (Hell, the real world in general!!)

Truthfully, those things are contributing factors to be sure, but there comes a time when you need to overcome your past. I feel as if it's a cop-out if I rely on those explanations. They feel like excuses.

I know that when Rob and I got married I was far from ready for "adult life." We've spent our lives working hard, taking care of family and somehow along the way I developed a special skill for survival. I can do crisis management. I can scramble with the best of them. Throw me into a tough situation, and I'll find a way to get through it. I can talk an upset customer down off the ceiling, handle a termination of a staff member with grace, balance a budget with way less money than I need.....you get the idea. My solutions aren't always pretty. They are rarely polished. They get the job done, quickly, in that moment. They help me and the people around me get through. They're survival mode material. Hold it together with bubble gum and paperclips.

This summary of my mode of moving through life reminds me of an episode of M*A*S*H that I saw several times. It was the episode when the character of Charles Emerson Winchester III is introduced, and it is his first time in surgery at the M*A*S*H 4077th. He says "I do one thing at a time, I do it well, and then I move on." Charles soon falls behind as the wounded pour in and the other doctors have to tell him to speed it up. Hawkeye tells him that what they do is like "meatball surgery".....you just save their lives, patch them up. You glue them together the best you can, just enough so they make it. Someone else will worry about making it pretty when they get to Tokyo.

I always thought to myself that after the war, Charles was probably the type of surgeon that a major hospital would want. But in that crisis moment, the person you need is Hawkeye.

So, somehow, my approach to work, and to life in general has become more Hawkeye than Charles. At times, it's great. But at other times it's really not helpful. My skills in the area of long range planning, big picture thinking are sorely lacking. I get bored when I have to sit still and do the slow, careful work.

Lately, I have found that this is actually beginning to get in the way. I'm actually uncomfortable when I have to stop, slow down, focus.....I'm like Oh just give me the memo and get out of my way and let me do my thing!

It feels as if I'm one of those stones that skim across the surface of the water. It looks really good at first, but at the end they sink to the bottom right?

I need to focus. I need to think, work, live deliberately. I need to take time to be in the moment. What do I want to be doing right now? Do I know, have I thought about it?

This bears more thinking, meditation, or prayer. But I needed to get these thoughts down now, while they're on my heart.

Transported

Snippets, pictures, moments
Like a collage in my mind
The radio plays
And I drive, on autopilot
I don't remember the trip
But I'm sorry it's over
Because I like where I go
When the radio plays

Ordinary

Sometimes I'm a afraid of ordinary
As silly as that sounds
Afraid of never flying
Of staying on the ground

I really thought there was more to me
The things that I would do
It's not that life is bad, you know
But is it really true

This day to day routine
As safe as it may feel
At times I think it's killing me
My soul that it will steal

I wanted to be amazing
To write, and sing and BE
I love my life, my family
I just need more of ME

So I'm afraid of ordinary
But the fault, it lies with me
Gotta be willing to shake things up
If you want your dreams to be

So take a risk, I tell myself
And put it on the line
And when I finally do it
The future will be mine

A Summer Moment In January

You heard this one a lot I'm sure
You surely knew the song
Heading to the lake perhaps
I'm sure you'd sing along

The summers that you spent
Your loved ones by your side
Smiling as you all piled in
Excited for the ride

Bare feet on the dashboard
We've packed our food and games
This our favorite season
We'll always feel the same

So, as I drive by I salute you
Since you're not really gone
You'll never be forgotten
As we take up the song

So shine your light upon us
Our sky still blue and clear
Well think of you in summer
And all throughout the year

I wrote this one in January, 2011 on a cold winter night on the way to a friend's house. I was driving by a cemetary in Grafton, Mass. A song came on the radio, I think it was actually "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company. For some reason the song made me think of summer, and riding around in the car on the way to the beach or a lake to swim. I glanced over at the headstones and all of a sudden I had this overwhelming feeling. I thought to myself, you all probably knew this song. Maybe you had your girlfriend, wife, or hubby in the car one day, and this song came on and you sang along. I could suddenly picture the entire scene, with someone's car all packed up for a day in the sun, off to meet friends and have a good time. I glanced back over at the headstones and said, out loud in the car, "The people you loved have those memories, so you're not really gone. I salute you." It was a very strange moment. I don't know anyone buried in that cemetary and I don't know why the moment struck me the way it did. But I do know as I drove the last few yards my headlights hit the shining headstones and a group of them lit up a bright red, like they were on fire. Just a trick of the lights, you know? But it felt as if those souls knew I'd acknowledged them, like they were waving at me or saying thanks. I can't explain why I felt the way I did, but it was a moment that will stay with me. That's why I wrote the poem.

Everyday Life

You know, sometimes I really think everyday life is just so......uncivilized. What sense is there in running from one place to another, always rushing? It feels like my life is patterned after that stupid rabbit in Alice in Wonderland who is late and is a nervous wreck trying to get where he's going.

To a certain degree, I do this to myself. I need to make a point of not overdoing it. I say YES to too many things. I "help" some people in my life way too much - to the point where they lean on me instead of acting independently and doing things for themselves. I need to work to let go of the guilt and let them do their own thing. Help yes, but do for - no. I am doing too much for some of the people in my life and this prevents them from building independence and learning how to handle things on their own. And I get overwhelmed and become a complaining bitch, my usual reaction to being overtired or in pain.

Today I had the experience of someone who relies on me 100% lashing out and criticizing me for the way I run things around the house and some recent decisions I've made. At first, I was really angry and came very close to saying everything I've held back for a very long time. Then I realized - I let this person lean so heavily and I never encourage them to handle their own affairs. I just keep enabling them, and they stay weak. So, the person is so comfortable that they decided to pick me and my decisions apart and give their opinion on how I should do things.

I got into this mess by feeling guilty. Well - no more. I love my family and friends but there are some things about my everyday routines, both personally and professionally that are not working for me. Physically, I'm............well, lets just say that my arthritis is sending very loud messages lately to take better care of myself. That means less stress, more rest, and time for my exercise, these are the things that help me manage my condition. Mentally, I am becoming frazzled which always makes me forgetful. I'm dropping the ball....forgetting to do things and doing a half-assed job on the things I remember to do. And spiritually - forget it. I haven't prayed or meditated in longer than I care to remember. I used to meditate so much that I had actual visions during my meditation and now I can't even recall the last time I bothered.

I love the people in my life. My family and friends are such a blessing. But I can't keep going this way. I need to get off the hamster wheel. I don't know what specific changes I need to make. But I know I need to slow down, both physically and mentally. To paraphrase Thoreau, I need to "live deliberately" and not fly around by the seat of my pants anymore.

I don't even know who this bedraggled, boggly-eyed old fart is who stares back at me in the mirror at the end of the day. I know she's not me. I need to get ME back.

Now that I think about it, that's my New Year's Resolution for 2011. To get ME back. I think if I do that it'll make for a happier me and as a nice bonus that will be better for the people around me who love me, so it's a win-win.

I want to live my life, not survive it. I am going to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I'm going to say NO sometimes. I'm going to do things that work for me and gently tell the people in my life that this is what is going to happen.

I am getting ME back. After all, I have a great life with great family and friends. I think it makes so much more sense to really enjoy it by keeping what works and not keeping what doesn't.