REALITY

No more dissection of the psyche
I feel what I feel
I love who I love
I said what I said
I am good
I am bad
I am trying
I am me

Keep It Simple

To feel your soul break open
Because it was too small
Kept in a shuttered place
And now
Filled to overflowing
So much to feel
To know
And yet
It has always been
So simple
Walk.  Be.
Speak and write
Thoughtfully
From your heart
Seek simplicity
Be grateful
Let your self be free
Allow no walls
Inside or out
Never lie
Especially to  yourself
The connections in one lifetime
Number as the stars
Take not one for granted
And treasure each moment

Understanding Grace

I'm not religious
I  can't say that I am a person of faith
Anymore
But I understand now
What grace is
In it's purest sense
The gift which has been given by many
Which I have received
So many things
Done, said, observed
You inspire by who you are
And something passed from you to me
I am unable to contain it all!
I don't know how to express
What each of you has done for me
To help unlock another person's soul
By opening your own
That is what you have done
Whether you know it or not
Please always know
No matter what happens
At any point in your life
You are beautiful
And you have my love
as well as my gratitude
For all time

You Can

When there are no arms to hold  you
Love yourself
When you are unsure
Believe. It will happen.
When you aren't strong enough
Get up.  Do it anyway.
If you're too tired
Be kind to yourself
Rest, and then return
On those days when it hurts
Let the cleansing tears come
And then walk forward
When you think no one knows you
Or you've been rejected
Be you anyway, shine brightly
So everyone can see
When you're afraid
That's a good sign
Run!  Don't walk
Right in the direction
Of that which you fear
There will be walls, obstacles
Some placed there by others
And many of your own making
Knock them down, push past them
Your LIFE is on the other side
Change is hard.  But change IS.
Embrace it, help it along.
Believe
You have to believe IN yourself
FOR yourself
You are a precious and amazing creature
And you are worth it!

In this life, you can be closed
Or you can be open.
I have tried both.
Closed is dark and suffocating
Open can be overwhelming
Occasionally painful
It is also beautiful, breathtaking
Always, it is worth it

What Love Is, and Isn't

Love, in any form
Whether it be romantic
Friendship, family...
It can never be about
Twisting yourself
Into a pretzel
And being that
Which you are not
In order to please
Another person
Love begins
With self love
Knowledge, inner strength
Then you can walk
With others in your life
Sharing, helping
Laughing
Loving each other
For who you really are
The freedom to be
Fully self
Walking beside another
Who is strong enough
In who they are
To accept you
Without requiring
Denial of who you are
That is real

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Symbols (Pink Flamingo)

I'll be your pink flamingo
Ludicrous symbol
Put me on your lawn
Stare at me
Bleary eyed
Over your morning coffee
Pull your eyes away
The plant on the floor is dry
Damn cut on your arm hasn't healed
Floor feels sandy under your bare feet
Fucking chair is hard, ass is numb
Inertia keeps you sitting
Suddenly, darkness
It's pouring buckets
Stupid flamingo
Still standng there
Inane
You get up and start your day

Hatrack

I need to hang my hat
On my own hatrack now
So many that I love
And I'm so grateful
For the gift that you are
In my life
But who and what I am
It can't be about anyone else
Not anymore
No more games
No more lying
Especially to myself
It has to be real
Or else, what's the point
Why go through all this?
Not to be seen
Not to be approved of
Not even to be loved
No
No
No more
Just me, doing my thing
Being myself
And enjoying it
Wow.
Is this what freedom
Feels like?

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Observations on a Wacky Year

I started a journey, last September.  One of my best friends, Becky, remembers this quite clearly, because she was there for the start of this "trip".  The beginning; a phone call telling her I needed to get out of the house, and a weekend of kick-ass music and more than a bit to drink.

That weekend, referred to as "Joe Perry Weekend" because we saw him crazy close up, free, at a small venue in Vermont at a fund raiser, started the beginning of what has been.....what we will call an interesting time for everyone in my life.

Since September of 2011, I have:

1. Firmly decided that I'm not Catholic and left the church
2. Established that all I DO know about spirituality is "there's isn't just nothing."
3. Took stock of my career (?) and decided it was literally killing me
4. Found a crazy affinity / mad love for social media which I am turning INTO my new career
5. Reaffirmed that I like sex.  A lot. Really.
6. Put in place a tradition of going out for live music on Friday nights, preferably Blues or Rock
7. Perfected my eating habits in light of discovering that I have celiac disease
8. Honestly admitted to myself that I have "outgrown" many aspects of my life
9. Gave myself permission to avoid toxic people and not feel badly about that
10. Gave myself permission to use the phrase, "I am a poet" and actually believe that.
11. Developed the beginning of what is turning into a crazy hatred for the TV which is only getting worse.
12. Made the discovery that I like whiskey.  High-end whiskey is best, but Jack Daniels is just fine!

To quote a good friend, who calls herself "the girl who likes her little box and wants to stay in there" , she called me the one who wants to think outside of the box, turn it into a triangle, or just tear it up and throw it out.

That was really funny for me to hear, since in retrospect I don't think that I've done anything outrageous.  I guess that's just a testimony to how completely fucking stopped up I was.  Girl in the plastic bubble much?

In a way, it's a little hard to share this.  I mean.....hello....walking cliche, right?  Gal spends 40+ years of her life doing everything she is "supposed to" and wakes up one day and wants more?  Frankly,  it's not just a little embarrassing.  But, you know something?  I've encountered so many other women that are going through the same thing. Worth exploring - how and why do we do this to ourselves and each other?

It's taken me a very long time to get to this point, but I am not hiding anymore.  That's the biggest part of this journey. This is me. Take it, or fucking leave it.  And that's important.  I have also given myself permission to not have in my life ANYONE who can't accept me for who I am and permission to act on that. Handing myself that key has been instrumental in moving forward.

So far, I've been so lucky, my family and friends have taken all the "new things" I'm doing and saying and just  keep on "rolling with it."  That's pretty cool, I have to say.  I'm very lucky.

Lucky and grateful. In my efforts to make all these changes, I have also made some messes.  People I love going without a call or word from me for months, harsh words to people around me due to holding back too long, mixed messages to amazing new people in my life, and ignoring things I needed to address in favor of "fun" activities. If you're reading this you may be one of those who are painfully aware of my messes from this past year.  Several of you have responded to the cluster-fuck that I have been for the past 10 months with such encouragement, forgiveness and grace that I cannot be anything but filled with gratitude.  Your light during this time has been instrumental in my coming out the other side.

So, now as we approach the 1 year mark since "Joe Perry Weekend", I'm taking stock.

 I am so happy with so much that is going on right now.  I'm working for a friend who is a musician, handling all of his social  media for him.  Things are going amazingly well for him right now, and the synchronicity is simply staggering.  I've already had several other "random" conversations and leads that have fallen in my lap that have made it abundantly clear that being a "Social Media Consultant" really can happen for me and is going to become what I make of it.  This has gone a long way toward giving me hope as far as my feelings about my traditional, cubicle based 9-5 position.

My writing is a key part of who I am, and that will always be a part of my life.  The time I now put aside every week to honor that is going to continue. I am going to be submitting some of my poetry for publication.  I realize from published poets I've spoken to that this takes some doing, but nothing worth having is easy.  I'm not giving up.

My obsession with music, live and otherwise isn't going anywhere - music is my other oxygen and I can't imagine my life without it.  It colors everything I do.

The last several weeks have really been the beginning of a new phase.  I have spent so much time excavating, but didn't have the courage to move my ass.  Every time I got close to anything that made my heart beat faster, things I knew were worth looking further at - I'd get scared - pull back - and let it go.  It has happened over and over in my life. Then I'd walk around filled with regret at the missed opportunity.  Not tough to analyze that - it's easy when everything is in the "I'm going to" stage and you haven't started - you haven't RISKED anything and you haven't FAILED.

Several of you have inspired me so much in this area.  You're just completely balls-to-the-wall committed to the thing you love.  You put everything on the line for it. Your commitment, encouragement, and sometimes your contempt and annoyance, even anger with me have taught me a lot about.......my life as a chicken-shit.I can't watch you guys and not want a piece of that for myself.

So the last few days have been filled with emails, phone calls, and follow ups on the things I'm passionate about, things that will move me forward  Perhaps I'll fall on my face, maybe a few times.  But I can't keep sitting here doing nothing, either.  What was the point of excavating and facing all that if I'm going to stay paralyzed, and take no action?

It's been an eventful year.  I didn't even scratch the surface of everything else that was happening with myself and those I love during this time - layoffs, epic financial issues, cancer, surgery, break-ups, make-ups, shocking unexpected death, tear-filled conversations, life-long friendships frayed, almost lost, and recovered.....

Yeah, I've got no clue what happens next.  My hope...no let's rephrase.  Hope only works if it's accompanied by action - so my PLAN is to keep moving forward and hopefully while making significantly less of a mess. I'm going to be "unapologetically me" and see who can handle it. That's all I can do.

For those who have been any part of the last 10 months, I raise my shot of Jack in a toast.  Here's to you....and here's to me!  Cheers!

Tweeps

Some of you are funny
Really, really funny
Several of you
Have brought "quirky"
To an art form
Each of you, like a cup of coffee
Each, your own special blend
And I savor them all
Your greeting, sharing, jokes
Encouraging words
Your poetry, art, music
Photography
Are so inspiring!
And you let the naked poet
Rave on, in a place
Where she is welcomed
You are, each and collectively
A delight
Hey...thanks for that!

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Be Not Silent

There are those
Who would have you cease
Some, more comfortable
If we were silent
Questioning, taking things apart
Why, how?
If it isn't real, doesn't ring true
It shall be uncovered
Even within ourselves
The quest for truth
Within, and without
Not backing down
Despite the consequences
Even in those times
When it unravels our very soul
Perhaps, it might be easier
To take their advice
Follow, be silent
NEVER!
Not in life, nor when it is over
For even in death
The imprint a soul makes
On this world
Lives on
Be not silent

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Be Amazing

As we walk
We are woven together
Adding texture
Stunning color
To each others lives
Withhold not
The beauty that you are
From this
Our tapestry
Each one unique
No other can replace
I wish you could all
See yourselves
The way I see you
Your beauty makes me weep
Please
Never give up
Be amazing
Because, you are

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Just Be

Light
Travels along gossamer threads
Kissing the trees
Beautiful, sweet scent
Sanctification
In the seeming stillness
So much lives, and breathes
The air moves
A caress on my neck
Impossible to comprehend
Yet nothing could be more simple
Here, here lives the beating heart
We are absorbed
Held
Just be

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Undimmed

Beautiful light
Further away from us now
But undimmed
The days we held you
A gift beyond measure
Things like this
Should never happen
But they do
Your time here
Altered us
Your colors
Always a part of the fabric
Your essence, forever
Here with us
Further away, yes
But undimmed
In your stunning beauty

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Can't Close My Eyes

You see and hear
Things in this life
That you wish you hadn't
It teaches you
Something about yourself
About others, and this life
And the heart is never the same
You take them with you
And keep walking

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Oh Sweet Darkness

Oh sacred darkness!
Sister night
Thou who bringest
Beautiful, naked truth
Logic, the purview of the day
The mystic, possible
We allow a softness to touch us
Admit our blinding joy
And our searing pain
Bleeding openly, and glad of it
Your cloak wrapped around us
Your sweet summer breath plays with our hair
With only a billion stars
And our own secrets
For company
We sit, quiet
Glad of your blessings


 

Vivian

Bare feet, out the car window
On a break from work
She comes to mind
I think of her, in her little kitchen
I wonder
Did she ever feel this way
The way I do today?
How does she feel now
About the choices she made
Contemplation
Crossing that line and asking her
To tell me her real story
In her own words
Wondering what she would say
If someone set her free
And does she even think of it that way?

Off The Clock

Time away
With none of the trappings
Of your daily life
Forget all the distractions
Go to the quiet places
We know not how to be alone
Not lonely, ALONE
A purposeful choice
Turn it off for a while
Precious gift
To yourself
You're worth it
Balm for the soul
Even after you return
To the crazy, noisy world

Crazy

Crazy poet
Running around
Naked all the time
Scaring people off
But a few
Stick around
With a smile
An encouraging word
You make this world
A sweet, warm place to be

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Stop Carrying It

When you close your eyes
Let it wash over you
You realize there's no room
For the negativity
No place to put the noise
Distractions
Mindless
Tools to numb yourself
Life happens
Good and bad
Triumphs, obstacles
Some days we're strong
Other days
Empty, shaking
Unceasing need
Deep and unending
We keep searching
Touching souls
Along the way
I must choose
To walk on
Without
The extra baggage
No room for it
Too heavy to carry
Stop the white noise!
Listen
Simplicity
Not what the world is selling
But I must choose it

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Do It Up Right

Used to think
It was complicated
So much wasted
Time and energy
Be who you are
Fly your freak flag
Let your hair down
Stop apologizing
Release all that shit
Some will stay
Others will go
Those who stay
Are the only ones
Who were real
To begin with
Don't fake it
The cost is too high

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The Naked Soul

There will come a day
When you will get up
You will rise up from the ashes
Of your perfectly ordered existence
You will begin walking, down to the river
Removing your clothes as you go
It will not matter to you if anyone is there
Or what they think of you
You will not even care if they are looking
The wind will caress your naked body
At once, sensual and innocent
Purely cleansing
Totally aware of who and what you are
Touch the truth within
As you step into the water
You will wash off the shreds
The remnants of your old existence
And as you die to yourself
In that moment of letting go
You will be reborn

Child's Play

You're that square peg
So long, accepted the fact
Walked it, proud of it
But wait
Instead of grasping your pride
Using your misfortune?
Maybe it's easier for you that way
But it doesn't have to be like that
If your world is a round hole
And you're a square peg
Did it ever occur to you
You scared little fuck
That maybe
You need a new world

Move

Moving forward
It's not about denial
It's about facing and admitting
Then choosing
To behave differently
In the face of that truth
We must choose to leave behind
People and situations
That break us down
And criticize, judge us
Waste no energy fighting
Send them light
And walk away quietly
Yes, you've made mistakes
We all have
Acknowlwdge, own, learn
And move on
Understand this
You are the keeper
Of your own soul
Love yourself enough
To surround yourself
With good

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The Reveal

In life, there are two channels
Open and closed
The poet is open
Feeling deeply, revealing much
I do not reveal it
For anyone but myself
In self-revelation, lies clarity
And this is my art
It is who I am, and what I do
As much a part of me
As my breath
I ask nothing
Of those who pass my way
For this walk is mine alone
Look away if you must
I understand
If you are not frightened
Repulsed, or angered
Or if you are, and still
You stay
Beautiful friends
You are such a light
To my path
Please know
That you have my love
For all time

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Dance of the Cubicle Dweller

The triumph of idiocy
Numb to it all
Holding so tight
To what's killing you
The devil you know
Unable, unwilling
To release control
Must...retain....status...quo
Keep the plates spinning!
Do you really see anything?
Horror, injustice, murder
Or, even
The elephants
In the room with you?
Does any of it make a dent?

Oh, STOP!
Leave me alone!
Everything's just fine!
...........

In the name
Of all that breathes
Do you think me blind?
I know where I stand
Years of my life
A house of cards
Well occupied by many
The weak, whom I've enabled
Amazingly hard to dismantle
But pull it down I will
Worked too long
To find my soul
So, yes
I know exactly
Where I am standing
I am the one who knows
What this feels like
Every day, I move ONE CARD
With each one, I grow stronger
As high as the tower of babel
Just as senseless
But fall it will

Believe

Some days just feel like shit
Pouring your soul into what you do
People pull you down
Progress, maddeningly slow
Will it ever happen?
Walking along our way
We give our heart away
And doesn't it just make the journey
Beautiful
But sometimes they hand it back to us
And turn down another road
Leaving us alone. Why?
Other times
We don't even know our path
We're pushing, changing
Obstacles, seemingly endless
Making a mess
As we fight our way through
But, I ask you
STOP.
BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU ARE
Your light cannot go out
Please just know
That you are beautiful
Your work
What you add to the world
Is amazing, breathtaking
Your rejected heart?
It's beauty makes me weep
Because this poet can see it
Even from this befuckled, broken vantage point
For what it's worth
When things just suck
And are at their most difficult
Know
That there is at least one
Who believes
In YOU

Real

It was there
First thing this morning
When I woke up
Stop
You have to stop
The people
And things in your life
You can only walk
With what and who
Is real
No games
No push-pull
Most especially, no hiding
Respecting yourself
And your own journey
You can't twist yourself
Into a pretzel
Just to please others
If you do
What was the point
Of uncovering your soul
Respect those around you
Love them
For where they're at
And respect yourself
Enough to honor
Who you are
And where you are right now
Many tools at your disposal
To move your dreams forward
Use them wisely
But never to numb yourself
To avoid reality
And so
Today I say
This is me
I accept myself
I'm on a journey
Like anyone else
And that journey
That's who I am
And where I'm at
I'm not going to judge
Anyone else
And I won't be judged
By anyone else

Grace

What is grace?
Liquidity of motion
A state of the soul
But I have seen grace
In the eyes and heart
Of beautiful souls
Who reach out
With compassion
Despite my failures
Watching amazing souls
I have encountered
Working toward their passion
Fighting for what is right
Pushing past obstacles
Offering a hand
Overcoming difficulty, sorrow
Walking forward, light undimmed
In spite of everything
The beauty shining from you
Makes me weep
And makes me want to be better

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Home

Is it a shelter
A place to hold the trappings
Of daily life
It seems to me
Home is where the soul
Lives and breathes free
Inexorable connection
Threads of light
Colors woven in
Inhale truth
Breathe out, relief washes over
Grace
If not
The unsettled feeling
Never quite comfortable
The soul cries out
For it's rightful place
Of peace
The quest we share
Where is my home?

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The Places That Scare You

A year of excavation
So much discovery
Changes made, more to come
A soul uncovered
Suddenly
A whole new layer
This also is me?
Unexpected, deeper
Brighter light
Blackest night of darkness
Foundations shaken
New aspect
If honored
It will blow everything away
Find the places that scare you
He wasn't kidding
I've only just
Scratched the surface
More digging
Time in the quiet places
Sure only
Of uncertainty

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A Shift

New to me
The knowledge
All that I am
Everything I have ever done
Accomplished with someone
Happy times, yes
But now
I need to be me
I need to do this, alone
I need to build something
Solely mine
Even if I fail, fall on my face
That will be mine alone also
One who has long walked with me
So many who have lit my path
A few who have changed me
Permanently altered
I love you all
You are in my heart
Forever
And now
I will build
This thing, of my own design
My hands, my heart
Tears and blood, too
But I must do this
For I have accomplished naught
Of my own accord
If you can be happy
Cheer me on
I am grateful
For I must do this
Lest I disappear

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Sifted

Let it be sifted down
Concentrated
Distilled to it's essence
Leave behind hope and effort
Along with every dream
Your best work 
And each mistake and failure
Released, the ghosts of your past
They sit, juxtaposed with
The reality of your future
Boiled down, to this moment
Past and future
Joined in your now
It lives, in your skin
Makes you draw breath
Conception follows inception
Fierce, unrelenting
This is your reality
A thing none can see
Futility unmeasured
Life force

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Today

Today
This is the moment
Right here,now
So, today I will act
I will do something that excites me
Makes my heart beat faster.
Fuels my soul,and brings a smile
Perhaps, I'll start a new project
Make a long-awaited move
Lend a hand
All I know is that this day I am standing in
It is the ONLY TODAY that I get
And I plan to live it

The Fire

I went to the quiet places today. I didn't just pay it lip service, as I have for some time. No, today was different. I let go again. I knew I'd been off track, needed to reset. "Why have you been gone so long", she asked. Always, she asks me that which she knows the answer to, so that I can work my way there, also. I admitted simply, "I was enjoying the ride. I've never just gone with what I felt inside. I've always censored and stopped myself. " She smiles. "But you have come now. Is the ride over?" I tell her that I needed to think. "And what does your soul tell you?" I pause, searching for the words to express what I feel. Finally, I say "The fire inside of me is so much stronger than I ever expected. It is amazing, but I am making a mess of things." We are sitting across from one another, and I'm thinking to myself that she is so centered, beautiful and amazing, that I can't possibly ever get there. Of course, she knows where my thoughts are. She makes eye contact with me. "Falling this way, it was the only way you could understand. You have learned the strength of that which is inside of you. This bright light, this passion, it is the essence of who you are. Tempered by grace, gratitude, and self-knowledge, it will fuel your dreams. Now you understand it's power. Use it wisely." I stayed for some time, allowing the truth to settle in, and sending light to those who had been burned by my carelessness. Today, I walk forward, in joy, the task - to include this new truth in my walk.

Sisters of the Heart

For Nicole, Cindy, and Becky

A thread of connection
When pulled
Goes back so very far
Woven into the fabric
Of our days, and years
So many memories
It amazes me
To think of all we've shared
We've been through
Just about everything together
So much a part of me
It's easy to forget
Take for granted
The gift you are in my life
So let me tell you today
My sisters
How lucky I am to have you
You are beautiful
Inside and out
And I love you

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Fear and Determination

During the times
Sitting alone
Like right now
I can admit
I'm scared
I want to live my life
Deliberately
With purpose
And passion
Terrified
That the road blocks
And the heavy wool
Of inertia, complacency
Will pull me back
I cannot again
Be the walking dead
I will turn the fear
Into action
Determination
Not a blind lurch
In a random direction
But a puposeful walk
To my future

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Awakened

Mousy
Always did as she should
Believed it all
Said and did the right thing
Numbed, unconcerned
TV and food the chosen drugs
Until
It was enough
Journey begun
Look at everything
Throw out the old
Exploration, discovery
Awakened, free spirit
Quirky rock gal
Trusts what's inside
New sight, new methods
Passion for life
Reaching out
To embrace life
Experience, breathe it in
Fully, unapologetically self
Running headlong
No direction
Wanting it all
Now, seeking balance
Honor and live the passion
Not compromising the self
No kool-aid
Still, a deliberateness
Chosen direction
Instead of a random grasping
Sharing light, lending a hand
Living in gratitude
Walking my own path
Present in each moment

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The Space Between

In the space between
My soul and my body
There is the quiet place
Where truth lives
Long have I been absent
Running headlong
No direction
Finally taking what I wanted
No regard for others, or myself
Walking a tightrope
Trying to play both sides
Brutal honesty
Can set a soul free
I sit quietly now
And the peace
That has been absent
The lightest breeze
Sweetly scented
In-dwelling
I have returned to myself

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