See, experience, breathe, fly free

Hopelessly unsophisticated. Haven't seen a thing. Does what she's supposed to. Always. Ends up playing it safe. Wants to fly but won't risk it. The words and music, they don't just play all the time like they used to. You're even thinking of giving it up - convincing yourself you were never a writer, a poet to begin with. Is that because it's easier to give up? The world is a huge, amazing place. But I'm always walking up and down the same street.

If I could keep the people I love close to me but take every other aspect of my life, throw it all away and just start over. Clean. New. Naked. Like a baby, with all those possibilities ahead of me.

What are you waiting for? Hello, are you getting any younger? You keep saying you want to be AMAZING. You want to live fearlessly.

You're also known for saying if you want something to change, get off your ass and change it.

So........

My Experience In a Feminist World

When I was a little girl, my mother, like most moms in those days, did not work outside of the home. I looked at my mother and my memere and I knew. I just knew exactly who and what I wanted to be. I could picture it, my little kitchen, husband and kids. I wanted to be just like my mother. I wanted to take care of my family. And so I grew up taking for granted that life would deliver just such a future.

The things I picture in my "if I won the lottery dream" to this day? A small, modest home with a bright open kitchen. My time is my own. I take care of my family, and have a wonderful meal waiting for them each day, like my mother did for us. I can take the time to spend with my children and our relatives when they need something. I am able to spend time at the gym and in meditation. I volunteer at church and in the community. When my arthritis is acting up, I can take a day of rest - any time I need it. I don't picture million dollar homes, expensive cars or trips overseas. Just a small, neat, warm home here in Millbury and a life where I can finally take proper care of my home, my family, and myself. This is my dream life.

I love my husband. I love my family. I love my life. But frankly, there's too much of it for me. Juggling rheumatoid arthritis, a full time job, and running a household and all the other "family building" responsibilities is just an awful lot sometimes. I can do it, so far. Hell, I can even do it well. I can get promoted and make a pretty decent salary for a gal with a high school diploma who hasn't finished her Bachelor's yet. Unfortunately, to me it feels as if I'm doing a half-assed job of it, and I'm tired of feeling like a hamster, running and running but never getting anywhere.

When hubby and I were first together, we discovered that keeping a household together was tougher than we thought it was. Money was tight. And of course, we were brought up after the sexual revolution, so all my feminist sisters had made certain that there were plenty of places in the workforce for us gals. So off to the workforce I went. Even after the 2 boys came and we had babies at home.

While my amazing mother-in-law enjoyed the wonder of my sons every day, I marched off to cubicle world. Ticky-ticky typie.....sitting at the computer. Finances were still tight, so I looked for bigger paychecks. I got better and better at figuring out what the bosses wanted and feeding that to them. I accidentally made a career out of it - hey - look over there - that job will bring more money in - I think I'll teach myself to do that. Bingo! Instant Manager - Just Add Coffee!!

And I can say that I have had the good fortune to work in many wonderful companies and had lots of great co-workers and bosses. So, despite the fact that I always felt like I was behind, both at work and at home, and it felt like I was perpetually exhausted I kept telling myself that "it would all pay off someday." I'm glad, and honored to be able to provide for my family. And so I kept plugging along. After all, my feminist sisters had worked hard to pave the way for me - so I should be grateful that I can have all this. Right?

OK, no. Wrong. While I will agree that I worked for several good companies, learned a lot, and provided for my family I will say, unequivocally that I am one of those few women who frankly did not, do not and will not, EVER "want" to have it all. Frankly, I feel as if those of us who cherish the old fashioned values got left behind and forgotten. Society was so radically changed that people like me whose God given gifts and talents clearly belonged in the home ended up hiking up the pantyhose, putting on the suits and heels and marching off with everyone else.

When I brought up to my hubby, relatives, friends and doctors that I was tired and upset from trying to do all this, and that it was wrong - for me and for my children - all I ever got was awkward stares and silence. It became abundantly clear that people wanted me in the role they were used to - responsible and reliable. I don't blame them really. It was just the expectation - everyone worked outside the home, what was my problem?

It's not any one's fault, really, except perhaps mine. I had no idea that once you sign up for cubicle world, you create a web you can't get out of. If I had, I'd have fought much harder.

I've made a success of it. I was a supervisor for 13 years and now I'm an account manager, and finishing my degree. I've competed both personally and professionally with completely healthy people while balancing a full time job and running a household with R.A. for 20 years. I have a family and friends that love me. I like the company I work for and I like my job.

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish that when women's lib happened - and all those gals got to have their dreams and join the workforce, I wish that we had kept the mother and homemaker role as important, too. I wish we'd continued to value it and let women know it's a good option too. So that young couples starting out having trouble can know that it's worth fighting for the old values and to try and find options.

This isn't about poor me. It's not about being bitter for not getting what I wanted - hell I've always hated whiners. Like I said, I've made a success of my life and I'm proud of that. What this IS about is to STAND UP and say something. It's to say to young women - "Hey! You! Before you decide who you want to be and what direction you want to go in, spend some time in prayer and really think. And for some of you, if you think that keeping a home and raising your kids is where God is calling YOU to be then you FIGHT for it. There's nothing wrong with that as a choice."

So, congrats to all of my sisters out there who are V.P's and CEO's and loving it. Congrats, authentically. It's beautiful that you got to be who you really are. Heck, the way my accidental career has gone, I may even catch up to you in a couple of years. And for those of you who made financial and personal sacrifices to be at home, congrats to you too, sister. I think society needs some of each of you. Lets make sure we all help and encourage each other to be who we REALLY are and not some ideal of who society says we should be.

You know....sometimes....

It's frustrating when folks feel the need to comment on the way I'm living my life. Don't get me wrong, I have an open mind, so if I'm being a complete putz, I do hope my family and friends will be honest and say something. But that's not the type of situation I'm talking about.

What frustrates me is the really over the top personal comments about my marriage or my finances and how we choose to handle things that really make me crazy.

Truthfully, I would never consider, in my wildest dreams, to comment on these categories to another person. Not even my three best friends, whom I trust with my life and for whom I'd walk to hell and back, will ever hear me criticize their relationship or how they're running their life. If someone in my life asks me for honest advice, or if they're about to really hurt themselves, of course I'll open my mouth. When I do, it's with gentle input that is aimed at helping the person - not in a way that's hurtful or critical. And I would never assume that I know everything about a situation and judge someone, because I'm not there, walking in their shoes, no matter how much I think I know about their situation. They're doing the best they can, no one gets up in the morning and says "Gee - I think I'll totally f*&$ up my life today!"

I don't want to play the poor me violin here, because as people who know me can attest, I've never had much patience with people who whine, complain and air their ailments and problems constantly.

But sometimes I really get TIRED of this. Really, I think I do OK. I get up every day, I go to work, I do my best. I try to find ways to get promoted so my family can have enough money for our home and everything. We try and make sure our relatives here in the family building are OK. I go to the gym and try to eat in a healthy way. I work with my rheumatologist to try and keep the progression of my R.A. at a slow pace, so I don't lose too many capabilities too quickly while also trying not to have to swallow a pharmacy every morning. I keep our checkbook and manage all the finances and pay the bills and handle all of the tax related paperwork. I'm the main contact for all paperwork for my father-in-law at the nursing home, and for both my brother and sister-in-law's disability and health insurance paperwork. I try to keep up with the housework around here.

And really, I don't mind any of that. I mean, OK, yes there are days when I feel like "Are you kidding? I know 100% healthy people who don't do all of this!" But then I think "Stop whining you silly b&t*h, and be thankful for what you CAN do every day." It really only gets to me when people cut me up and imply that I should be doing better.

Could my house be cleaner? Yes. Have I ever paid a bill late because I was so busy the due date passed before I had time to pay it? Yes. Have I ever forgotten to make a phone call, put in an Avon order or catch up with something or someone? Yes. Do I wish we had a bit more disposable income to update things around the house that need it? Yes. Does my bathroom, right now as I type this need to be scrubbed? Yes.

Having said that, I am very thankful for my life. I have a good marriage - one that has survived both good and difficult times. My honey and I have been through a lot and having him to come home to every night is so wonderful. We have two wonderful sons who we are proud of. We have a nice warm house to come home to and enough to eat. We live in this great country and can worship as we please every Sunday. We both have good jobs. I have amazing, loyal friends.

So maybe I could be handling this better. But I am doing the best I can and I am satisfied with that.

ANCESTRY, AMERICA, AND WHAT IT MEANS TO ME TODAY

I've spent quite a bit of time researching my family's ancestry. I find it fascinating work, and I enjoy finding out facts about my family that I wasn't aware of before.

I have been tracking ancestry as a hobby for many years; long before it became a "fad" because of the new television program. Having said that, if more people are interested in this work, that's great!

Some people have said to me, "What if you find out something you don't like?" OK, point taken. I could discover something nasty about someone in my family tree. If that happens it will be unfortunate, but it doesn't change ME. Finding out about my ancestors informs my life, and gives me new information to digest, but it doesn't change who I am as a person. The information I gain from ancestry research is like anything else I discover, digest, and make a part of my life. It is something that informs my life, it adds some color and texture, but no one experience or person has formed me. Like all of us, I am a combination of my history and experiences, and my hopes and dreams. So, yes, I could find out something I wish I hadn't discovered. Since I already kniow who I am I don't have to worry about that kind of revelation changing me. God and I already know who Beth is, so we're good.

So far, I have enjoyed researching the family. The Bartholomew branch on my dad's side goes back to England in the 1470's, which I found absolutely amazing. There is a great deal of information about them and I haven't even scratched the surface. The Sauvageau's on mom's side also go way back, to France, and I have much more research to do there. The Stone's on dad's side and the Anderson's on mom's side have given me some road blocks but I don't give up easily, so I'll get there. I also plan on researching the hubby's family tree, so I have enough to keep me busy for a very long time!

I found it fascinating to find details like which ship people came over on. What was that experience like, life on a ship for weeks upon weeks? Looking at the passenger lists and the reasons for coming was amazing. Husbands and wives coming over separately and meeting back up, siblings coming over together, all to begin their new life.

This made me think. Why did they leave? I'm sure I'll uncover many reasons. In some cases, people came because life at what used to be home had become difficult enough that the trip to the United States, even with the fear of the unknown, was a better prospect. In this, they at least had hope. Hope that perhaps their new home would give their family a chance for a better life.

This is probably why people come here now. Some people follow the rules of what you're supposed to do when you arrive in a new country, and some do not. Either way, I bet some are coming for the same reasons my mom's grandparents from Finland sailed to Canada and then snuck over the border to the United States illegally. Because there was hope here.

I think that's what the founding fathers were looking for. It's why the pilgrims came here. We wanted to create a place where we could be ourselves, where we could think what we wanted and live the way we wished. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. So, yes, lets have solid, enforceable rules and processes for people to follow when they come here, and lets call them on it when they don't follow those processes. But lets do that while still remembering why America is different. Our forefathers came here to create a life that was better than the one they were leaving behind. I hope other people who are willing to work hard can have the same opportunity today.

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