Transported

Snippets, pictures, moments
Like a collage in my mind
The radio plays
And I drive, on autopilot
I don't remember the trip
But I'm sorry it's over
Because I like where I go
When the radio plays

Ordinary

Sometimes I'm a afraid of ordinary
As silly as that sounds
Afraid of never flying
Of staying on the ground

I really thought there was more to me
The things that I would do
It's not that life is bad, you know
But is it really true

This day to day routine
As safe as it may feel
At times I think it's killing me
My soul that it will steal

I wanted to be amazing
To write, and sing and BE
I love my life, my family
I just need more of ME

So I'm afraid of ordinary
But the fault, it lies with me
Gotta be willing to shake things up
If you want your dreams to be

So take a risk, I tell myself
And put it on the line
And when I finally do it
The future will be mine

A Summer Moment In January

You heard this one a lot I'm sure
You surely knew the song
Heading to the lake perhaps
I'm sure you'd sing along

The summers that you spent
Your loved ones by your side
Smiling as you all piled in
Excited for the ride

Bare feet on the dashboard
We've packed our food and games
This our favorite season
We'll always feel the same

So, as I drive by I salute you
Since you're not really gone
You'll never be forgotten
As we take up the song

So shine your light upon us
Our sky still blue and clear
Well think of you in summer
And all throughout the year

I wrote this one in January, 2011 on a cold winter night on the way to a friend's house. I was driving by a cemetary in Grafton, Mass. A song came on the radio, I think it was actually "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company. For some reason the song made me think of summer, and riding around in the car on the way to the beach or a lake to swim. I glanced over at the headstones and all of a sudden I had this overwhelming feeling. I thought to myself, you all probably knew this song. Maybe you had your girlfriend, wife, or hubby in the car one day, and this song came on and you sang along. I could suddenly picture the entire scene, with someone's car all packed up for a day in the sun, off to meet friends and have a good time. I glanced back over at the headstones and said, out loud in the car, "The people you loved have those memories, so you're not really gone. I salute you." It was a very strange moment. I don't know anyone buried in that cemetary and I don't know why the moment struck me the way it did. But I do know as I drove the last few yards my headlights hit the shining headstones and a group of them lit up a bright red, like they were on fire. Just a trick of the lights, you know? But it felt as if those souls knew I'd acknowledged them, like they were waving at me or saying thanks. I can't explain why I felt the way I did, but it was a moment that will stay with me. That's why I wrote the poem.

Everyday Life

You know, sometimes I really think everyday life is just so......uncivilized. What sense is there in running from one place to another, always rushing? It feels like my life is patterned after that stupid rabbit in Alice in Wonderland who is late and is a nervous wreck trying to get where he's going.

To a certain degree, I do this to myself. I need to make a point of not overdoing it. I say YES to too many things. I "help" some people in my life way too much - to the point where they lean on me instead of acting independently and doing things for themselves. I need to work to let go of the guilt and let them do their own thing. Help yes, but do for - no. I am doing too much for some of the people in my life and this prevents them from building independence and learning how to handle things on their own. And I get overwhelmed and become a complaining bitch, my usual reaction to being overtired or in pain.

Today I had the experience of someone who relies on me 100% lashing out and criticizing me for the way I run things around the house and some recent decisions I've made. At first, I was really angry and came very close to saying everything I've held back for a very long time. Then I realized - I let this person lean so heavily and I never encourage them to handle their own affairs. I just keep enabling them, and they stay weak. So, the person is so comfortable that they decided to pick me and my decisions apart and give their opinion on how I should do things.

I got into this mess by feeling guilty. Well - no more. I love my family and friends but there are some things about my everyday routines, both personally and professionally that are not working for me. Physically, I'm............well, lets just say that my arthritis is sending very loud messages lately to take better care of myself. That means less stress, more rest, and time for my exercise, these are the things that help me manage my condition. Mentally, I am becoming frazzled which always makes me forgetful. I'm dropping the ball....forgetting to do things and doing a half-assed job on the things I remember to do. And spiritually - forget it. I haven't prayed or meditated in longer than I care to remember. I used to meditate so much that I had actual visions during my meditation and now I can't even recall the last time I bothered.

I love the people in my life. My family and friends are such a blessing. But I can't keep going this way. I need to get off the hamster wheel. I don't know what specific changes I need to make. But I know I need to slow down, both physically and mentally. To paraphrase Thoreau, I need to "live deliberately" and not fly around by the seat of my pants anymore.

I don't even know who this bedraggled, boggly-eyed old fart is who stares back at me in the mirror at the end of the day. I know she's not me. I need to get ME back.

Now that I think about it, that's my New Year's Resolution for 2011. To get ME back. I think if I do that it'll make for a happier me and as a nice bonus that will be better for the people around me who love me, so it's a win-win.

I want to live my life, not survive it. I am going to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I'm going to say NO sometimes. I'm going to do things that work for me and gently tell the people in my life that this is what is going to happen.

I am getting ME back. After all, I have a great life with great family and friends. I think it makes so much more sense to really enjoy it by keeping what works and not keeping what doesn't.