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Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Living Dead

In this life
Many teachers
Cross our path
Making their walk
Some make us angry
Challenge us
Do you ever stop
Oh please
Just stop
That
Right there
That person
Making you so angry
You're dismissing them
Judging
Closing your heart
That is a human being
With a soul
A wondrous beautiful soul
And maybe you're not exactly
Their favorite person either
You haven't got the slightest idea
What they have been through
Human beings MATTER
Not to be dismissed
Never to be forgotten
Or tossed aside
LOOK at him
LOOK at her
Talk to them
Or if you must walk away
What are you taking with you
If you're answer is nothing
You're already in your grave
Someone just needs to bury you

Data (Incoming!)

Cutting and pruning
Creates space
Selective now
Only what's needed
Anchors gone
Compass crushed
So much data!
A peculiar kind of empty
Feels good
Taste it all anew
All beliefs discarded
Who are you then
Stops and starts
Oh!  Another new thing!
Consider
More weighing
Tossing and keeping
So much tossing!
Throws them all off
When choices
Frighten the others
But you walk on
Undaunted




Old and New

Change
Elimination
New data
Reflections
Pushing
Going nowhere
Not enough air
Unchanged
Same perch
Old methods
Same results
Gradual
Take your time
Trying
Somehow
The thought never leaves
The only way
Is to blow it all up


Saturday, January 26, 2013

Cover Up!

She was aware
She was naked
But until that moment
Never had it occurred
To be ashamed
Suddenly
Through another set of eyes
Finally understanding
Shall we then....
Install the caution tape?
Cover up?
Speak no evil?



State Your Case

Moments of confidence
Moments of doubt
Making a mess
And then cleaning it out

Focusing outward
You're beautiful, friends
I'm sending you love
Glimpse life through your lens

Some see an agenda
Insist that I'm dark
I'm hiding from no one
It's clear and it's stark

I believe and I love
And I'll never back down
Say and think what you will
But I'll be around

Believing, and helping
And sharing some light
Helping things happen
And making it right

Mistakes, we've all made them
I've had more than my share
All I can do now
Is to help clear the air

Continue to walk now
The sun on my face
Encouraging others
Let my walk state my case










Taking A Walk

Sometimes we walk
And sometimes we run
We get through the tears
And roll with the fun

Let's walk it in truth
While lending a hand
Rockin' our lives
And making our stand

There's beauty in you
And just maybe in  me
Keep sharing your gifts
The soul's light is free

The dark times are hard
The road can be long
One step at a time
And we can't go wrong

So let's take this road
Together we'll walk
Just being is wondrous
We'll travel, and talk

Now bring on the music
It blows through my soul
Tis' food for the journey
And part of the whole








Sunday, January 20, 2013

Woman, Suspended

Naked
Alone in the dark
Warm, smooth skin
Caressed by cool sheets
Curled into a ball
Arms crossed tightly
Hair, a soft tangle
Lying there
In the weight of time
Every moment of a life
Distilled to now
Silent house
Her own breath
A church bell tolls nearby
Pulse and heartbeat
Hypnotic
Mind, quiet
Spirit, stilled
A life
Suspended

In The Mirror

Curling into darkness' embrace
Away from prying eyes
Gavel silenced
Cool Relief
Blessed silence
Oh beautiful, brittle, short peace
But always
The inevitable return
So bright the light
Behind those eyes 

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Strings

Song plays within me
And the strings are plucked
Beautiful mind pictures
Summer day so warm
Feeling on my skin
Scent on the breeze
Eyes closed
Awareness
Teased open
The mingling
All this
Swirling
From a melody
Playing within me
Strings plucked

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B-I-G

Funny how it creeps up on you
That list of things we find "necessary" to live
Whether it's to keep up with someone
Or the expectations we put on ourselves
Have we stopped and asked
Do we really need all of this? 
Why, oh why is everything so BIG?
Televisions 
Grocery Orders
Piles of toys
Waistlines, too 
Sometimes I feel so surrounded
By people 
And all the endless THINGS
We think we need
Don't you see 
Do you understand that everywhere you go
In every minute of your day
You CARRY all that shit with you
Either physically 
Or in your need to manage to having it 
We do work we hate 
We lessen ourselves 
Compromise who we are
Because I'm supposed to live this way?
Success!!
I just keep trying to push it away from me
And everyone just keeps bringing it back 
We wear it like a badge
"I work hard!" we tell ourselves
As if the soul sucking sacrifice is worth the shiny things
As if it's all we were meant to be 
The American Dream! 
Oh, YEAH BABY!
I was numb too, for a long time 
And now I just ache 
To simplify, to lessen 
To walk with less 
Surprising how tough it can be
Throw it out, give it away 
Tell them, please, no more 
But it never seems to penetrate 
Do you get it?  
I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE  

Friday, January 11, 2013

Friendship Lost

Much water under the bridge
Good and bad
Friendship remained
Through it all
My belief in who you are
And what you do
In the end
I guess it was too much
Sensing the discomfort
Drift, rejection
My sorrow at having brought
Nothing good, only difficulty
I still believe in you
And wish you, my friend
Only light and love
May only good things be yours

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Monday, January 7, 2013

It's Entirely Possible

This is a rather personal blog entry about the last 15 months of my life.  I'm stating that up front, and yes, I am choosing  to share it on purpose. There is no one that will be harmed by it because there is no newly revealed information.  I think it's important, because someone else might be going through it too.

Ok, it's not a poem.  It's really a musing.  Ha - actually it IS amusing also.  Sometimes.  I have to be honest, I am really teetering on the edge here. Of what?

Well, of this 15 month journey.  I spent more years than I care to admit in a TV and work filled daze, stuffing my mind with empty, stupid programming and ideas and my face with whatever was in front of me.  I really didn't look past the end of my own nose as far as the world, how I fit, or what I believed.

And yeah, I am lucky to have some of the best friends a person could ask for.  They'll look at that paragraph and start telling me that's not true.  But, that 's what it felt like to me.

15 months ago I realized I needed to do something. A combination of discussions with friends, a few amazing books, some music, and an endless, ceaseless unease - these things combined and I realized that I was numb and I didn't like it.

Over the past 15 months, I've spent time excavating.  Pandora's Box - I opened it and everything flew out. I didn't leave any stone un-turned. (Funny again - Stone is my maiden name)  I looked at health, career, friendship, spirituality, marriage, sexuality, politics....you name it.  Over and over, I realized, that when I truly examined my heart I was not the person I'd been playing at being all those years.

I'm not conservative.  I'm not republican.  I've come to realize I'm not even christian anymore. I question things - everything.  I DON'T need all this ....stuff....this shit we surround ourselves with. I believe that self sacrifice is beautiful but NOT when one person's entire being is denied in the process, and not when the sacrifice causes harm. In other words, falling on the sword is an empty gesture if you are enabling weakness or entitlement on the part of the receiver.  I don't believe anyone, of any age, rank or position just "deserves" respect.  I believe we, each of us, has to get up every day and EARN that. I could go on and on. I won't.

So, after going from mom & dad's house to "our house" in a marriage and moving in relatively small circles, with little exposure to different ideas, I decided to change the channel.  I thought, OK - we tried closed.  Let's try OPEN.

OMIGOODNESS.  Can I just say this last 15 months has been a roller coaster ride?  OK, some of you are reading this and saying "she's pathetic" or "nobody's that sheltered".  You can make fun of me if you want to. Some already have.  It's OK. My closest friends have seen all of it and can attest to the truth of it.

I really started to....just put myself  out there.  I started writing poetry again for the first time in more than 10 years, and began blogging.  I talked to people I never had.  I considered ideas I would have shunned before. I did things that would have intimidated me before.  I don't want to shuffle sedately through my life, I want to LIVE IT.

And the people?  Oh, you're all so beautiful. When you gravitate toward only things and people you are  comfortable with,  you are never exposed to anything new.  In opening up and talking to so many different people, I have discovered new music, authors, and ideas. I've been reminded of how endless and heart-stoppingly beautiful our universe  is and how perfectly, mathematically astounding it is!  I have found courage to try new things and ideas - like a planned change in career for 2013.  I want to work in support of the arts in any and all their forms.  My own artistic talent is limited, but by providing needed services to those who do bless us with the truth through their art, I can help ensure the arts keep enriching everyone's lives.

So, maybe life DOESN'T have to be a hamster wheel.   Maybe it can feel fantastic.  Maybe we can wake up every day, totally psyched for the day.

I know, I need to firm up something much more specific than that but even believing it is possible would never have happened before.All I know is it needs to support the arts, and it needs to leave me enough time and energy to reach out, to help others.  There's so much that needs doing out there, so many in need of help.  Meanwhile, millions of us waste away in cubicles doing meaningless work instead of being out there with our fellow human beings! Like I said I have no idea what this will look like. But it HAS to be different than before. It has to.  We're doing it wrong.

What can I compare this to?  You're probably already laughing, calling me crazy.  Why is she always over-sharing? Go ahead. It won't be the first time.  But, I'll tell you anyway - it's sort of like walking around blindfolded and suddenly having it removed.  I can't get over the wonder of each new day.  I'm sorry if that sounds crazy to you.  It's how I feel. It's just that I had never before FELT like this...the thought that the entire world really IS out there and maybe you CAN do this in a way that makes you joyful every day.....THAT'S what all this sharing came from.  I'm not just stuck on myself, it was just that as the old and the new clashed and I saw and felt everything I needed a place to put it. Hence, the blog.

It took a long time to dig out and discard all the crap, and decide what is to be kept.  That's what 2012 was for. 2013 is for action steps, baby ones and big ones that build "the beautiful thing."

I also have some crazy amazing friends, both in RL and online.  Several of you have been there through everything and anything I came up with this year.   Because of you I am standing  here today, ready for a new year and excited about life.  Because of you, I know what the word grace means.I look up to you, each of you, you have taught me much about life, love, friendship and personal courage.   I love you so much.

While I was putting myself out there this year, I know I made some messes.  I confused some of you.  I hurt some people.  I was so.....self-absorbed....because it was all new to me....that I lost sight of just about everything else.  At times,  I know that I was thoughtless, just focused on the moment and not on the other people that were walking around with me, both in RL and online. I want to say I am sorry.  I am truly sorry for those I have hurt this year during my journey with my thoughtless behavior.  You also have taught me.  You have shown me what I do not want to be. I am sorry and I will walk the lessons you've shown me.

Some will say this was too personal to share. I have shared as a record of what has happened to me, and also for anyone else trying to survive and triumph through a period of great change.  We CAN do this.

Thank you for all who stop by and read me.

Love to all,

Beth
Monday
January 7, 2013



Sunday, January 6, 2013

Listening

I have come to realize
When another person
Is not in a good place
That I don't necessarily
Need to have all the answers
Or even the ability to fix it
No, all that is needed
Is the accepting
Non judgemental ear
Of a friend
Being OK with where they are
Regardless of what that is
And simply listening
A cup of tea
An emailed hello
Or an encouraging text
Just being there
That's unconditional
If I cannot do this
I do not love them
And I am no friend to them
I want always to be
This kind of friend
Otherwise my flowery words
Of how much I care
Are empty

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Baby Steps

That was a dark moment last night
But I think we need to face those
And walk though them
In order to come back out
Into the light
I'm still questioning
The entire last fifteen months
But I think perhaps
There is a difference
Between not walking forward at all
Hiding, crawling back inside
And walking with purpose
Moving forward with caution
Making thoughtful, deliberate choices
And building something
That you know awaits
On the right path
With time to live, love, laugh
And lend a hand
OK, my heart hurts
This hasn't turned out as I'd hoped
Not so far
But I'm not giving up
I'm just going to be a little more cautious
Baby steps
They are still steps
After all

Winter's Light

Outside my window
The bright morning sun
Shines on bare winter branches
It is stark
And I know that it is cold
But, it is beautiful
And I think to myself
Perhaps
There is hope
After all

A Failed Experiment

For so many years
I looked at nothing
Numb
And then
For fifteen months
I looked at me
Changed the channel
From closed to open
The entire world!
Open before me
Could all THIS
Really be possible
It felt
So
Good
I didn't know
It could be like this
Hope was mine
But I hadn't learned yet
How to walk through this new land
With grace
And so, I was too loud, said too much
I guess I made a mess
Then came the labels
Selfish
Crazy, nuts
Even liar
And now
I'm just so sick
Of myself
Just like the rest of you are
And so
Call me weak
If you'd like
But my heart
My spirit
Are closed for business
I'm moving the dial back
I don't want to hope anymore
Keep your stupid shiny thngs
I'm turning in my wings
And leaving the sparkles
For someone else to spread
And so now
I will focus on others
Spend time with my mom & brother
And volunteer for a good cause
I will look at others only
Fifteen months
Was quite long enough
No more looking at me
For in the end
This was
A Failed Experiment

Thursday, January 3, 2013

On Being A Twit (ter Addict)

Damn, how I loved you guys
For a while there, you were all I could see
I shared a lot, more than the average
I'm still asking myself if that was a good idea
You sort of get to think you know people
But you can't know somebody's mind, heart or their life in 140 characters
What we see is the tip of the iceberg.
We get angry when people aren't where, what and who we wanted
When I love someone I want to give them this gift
To love and accept unconditionally, where and who they are NOW
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going anywhere
I like hanging out with you guys, it's fun
But the last few weeks....I don't know
I'm different
I didn't think it could happen but....I think I broke my twitter.
But perspective is good, and so is change
Let's see what 2013 brings
I think it's gonna be a good one

With love,

Beth