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Thursday, May 28, 2015

All Is Well

An angels morning greeting 
The first thought of my day 
Held fast in the arms of love 
Sitting in the quiet of the house
In my sweet little peace corner
Fresh out of the shower 
Birds singing outside 
Their beautiful song drifts in the window
Purring friend at my side 
The words of the rede come to me again
"In perfect love, and perfect trust"
And the words of my friend 
"Every step a blessing, every word a prayer"
A state of release, perhaps of waiting 
Grateful 
Open, intuition primed
Receptive 
But not impatient 
Love 
Is
All is well 

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Chasing Happy?

You don't chase happiness down like a dog, leash it and squeeze the life out of it. You'll choke it to death. Happiness doesn't hang out long with the clingy types. 

It isn't in a person, a job, a place or a situation.

Is not "right around the corner."

You just walk around, doing your thing, the best you can. You accept yourself and others with compassion. 

You stop chasing shit around thinking it's going to be the thing that makes everything alright. If you can't do that for yourself, no relationship, place or situation is going to make it happen.

It's funny. If you don't chase it, happy just drops in to say hello all the time.

In a song 
In a warm greeting from someone dear
In a job well done
In the breeze coming in the window 
In a loved ones smile
When a coworker helps out
Laughing 
Walking through the green places
Watching a favorite show 
On a girls day out 
In a cool unexpected surprise 
When people are silly and are OK with others being silly, too
When you feel grateful to have "found your tribe"
Talking with mom and being so glad she is here
Coloring
Working on goals, and taking steps!
Going to class with my witches
Clearing space
Friends
Talking endlessly about music 
Dinner with the family every night 

It's just unexpected. I stopped chasing it and discovered it was with me all along.

I'm not smart. I learned this because I was an eejit, always looking for happy to be around the next bend.

It's not here 24/7. That's not life, but it's part of the flow and it's always coming around again. And I'm always surprised and grateful when it does. 

Peace, babies.


Witch's View

In a world that says to be hard, I will choose to be soft.
When things are blocked, I will be flow.
Some doors and hearts are closed, I am open. 
They will advise, "Conform!" Instead, I will be my ridiculous, quirky self.
What many label as fantasy and delusion, I know every day as magick and connection with the Sacred.
The things and people some discard, I embrace, for they are the truth.
When fear and old patterns say "No" and "Stop" I will say "Yes!" And "Let's go!"
In what many consider weakness, I know there is great power.
Some say it's all been done. I know the blessings of mystery in every day.
Where the world sees ugliness, I have found profound beauty.
People who are relegated to being obsolete, past their prime, I honor their wisdom.
We claim the land and all upon it. "Mine" you say. I tell you now, you own nothing.
In the places within where no one will go, I have found every secret. 
The stories many push aside, they are just one way I hear the Goddess speak.
Where there seems to be silence, and nothing to see or learn, all of creation reveals itself to me. 
I walk softly upon our Mother. I honor those who came before. I am never alone or disconnected. 
Each day is gratitude.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Yes

Can you be one with the movement of air?
Can you ride dappled sunlight?
The perfect intricacies of a single leaf
Smooth skin 
Naked in the garden
Sweet scents 
No seeking, fighting, striving 
It is 
You are 
Heartbeat 
Blood through veins 
Energy, Spirit 
Flows
Yes

Sacred

Sometimes when  I'm getting ready 
In the morning 
The room is quiet 
I'll turn the lights back off 
Feel the breeze coming in 
Know the softness of morning 
Like a lover's touch 
Just breathing 
Nothing else is needed
Sacred 

Monday, May 25, 2015

An Angel On The Path (Lucky Strike Angel)

An angel sat with me today
At first I did not know
My spirit within did bid me speak 
And see where this would go
So I started out with firm intent 
But in the end my voice did flee
At which the angel disappeared 
And no human eye could see
I searched and searched for such a time
Though the moment it had passed
My companion's energy remained
But his physical visit did not last 
My sadness and my self disgust
They came to drag me down 
But I could feel him, still about 
So I couldn't embrace the frown
I promised to release and trust 
His help I did request 
With the gentle touch of grace and love
Impossible to be depressed 
His presence remains throughout the day
I am filled with joy and peace 
Sweet comfort of endless blessings
And worries are released 
I learned to trust my heart today
And to let my voice ring out
But I also learned an angels love
Never lets us go without 
A thousand paths, and choices too
A million different ways 
The blessings that are made for us 
Will find us in our days







Monday, May 18, 2015

How I See You

I fall in love 
With 
Everyone 
Friends
Family 
Coworkers 
The family at the airport 
The guy who sold me coffee today
The lady in the Mazda in the other lane
Because 
I see them 
Really
See them 
Triumphant 
Surviving 
Fractured
Delusional 
Angry
Terrified
Numb 
Wild
Complacent 
Soaring
Sexy
Happy
I can't help it 
They're gorgeous 
Delicious
Precious 
Wondrous and sacred
And for the most part 
They don't know it 
I do, though
I know it 
And so I look 
I feel 
I know 
It breaks my heart 
While all at once 
Bringing sheer bliss 
Yes
I see them 
Really
See
Them 
And I fall in love 
With them all 
And sweet little remnants 
Of each one 
Become a part of me 
For always 
So if I look at you 
Or we talk 
And you're reading an intensity 
Please forgive me 
I can't help it
It's just that
I love you 





Not Flawed

The first thing I want to say, is that this is not being written from the point of view of a victim, or from a “poor me” standpoint. This is being written from a place of power. Yes, power. Because there is power in knowing exactly who you are, and in facing your situation head on. Not shrinking back and hiding, regardless of the situation you’re in, standing firm in your personal power, even when you don’t know the outcome, that’s where I have chosen to make my dwelling place.

Sometimes in life, we can get so accustomed to keeping the status quo in place that we forget what we were actually doing in the first place. You’re just keeping those balls up in the air, like a juggler. And most of your effort and energy goes into that effort, you can’t let any of them fall. The trick though, more than keeping all those balls up in the air, is not to lose track of yourself in the process. You can’t let keeping all those balls in the air become all that you’re about.

I recently got diagnosed with ADHD. This was the result of approaching my doctor for help after things at work got really difficult for me, despite the fact that I was twisting myself into a pretzel every day to do a good job. And it’s interesting how this came about. Having difficulty with work performance, never quite being able to excel, feeling like a fraud in every job I’ve ever had, these are not new themes for me.

I’ve had so many jobs over the years, some easier than others. And although I’ve done alright in many of them, there has been an ongoing theme. Jobs that were easier, with less demands were simpler for me. I could work at my own pace. I was never the star employee, and often was “just okay.”

I longed to be able to do more, the way I saw everyone else around me doing. The tougher jobs have always resulted in major struggles. Being called on the carpet by people at all levels who simply don’t have the time or patience to deal with those who can’t deliver excellence on the spot – yeah, I’ve been there a few times. I still can’t look at a jar of Welch’s grape jelly without practically breaking out in hives. It’s a good story, really, hit me up for a coffee some day and I’ll tell you.

This was coupled with my stellar career planning. Basically, I would look around and see a job. Said job would be at a higher pay grade than I was in at the time. I would say to myself “That would really make things better at home. I’ll go do that.” I’m not kidding you when I say I put absolutely zero thought beyond that into any job I have gone for over the years. I thought I was supposed to, it was the right thing for my family. Some jobs have worked out better than others, and several, though difficult, have been true blessings despite how tough they were.

I shared with my doctor how I was tired of this happening to me over and over, ending up in situations where I just couldn’t cut it, but couldn’t figure out why. And it happened in my personal life too. I’d drop the ball on things I promised to do, like pay something or make a phone call. I couldn’t seem to tackle things that seemed to involve lots of paperwork very effectively. Did I mention that for years I was in charge of our bills and finances?

This is how my doctor ended up screening me for ADHD and my receiving a diagnosis. In the weeks since that happened, I have spent a huge amount of time reading about ADHD. I have learned how it often manifests quite differently in girls and women as opposed to the very active, physical version people see in boys and men. Women with ADHD are much more prone to the “inattentive” version, characterized by forgetfulness, being easily distracted, disorganized, daydreaming, difficulty in following simple instructions, getting bored easily, and starting multiple projects without finishing them.

I'm beginning to understand why some projects and assignments have been so hard for me. It makes sense now, why some things seem so impossible to tackle. There's a reason behind missing deadlines and forgetting important things, even with a list. What list, I usually lose it. Or when I find a great work-around that helps me finish something, it inevitably takes longer than people want it to. Now I can see why I frustrate so many people so much! People get the impression that you're sloppy, that you really just don't care, that you aren't giving your best. In reality, you're working incredibly hard and every day you're rewarded with "Yay! You're mediocre!"

Because of women so often being motivated to make things right for others, women with ADHD tend to work very hard to find ways to make things okay as far as these symptoms they are dealing with every day. We tell everyone we’re fine, we read self help books, we minimize when asked about upsetting situations. We take the blame. When I read an article about the amazing work-arounds women with ADHD were instinctively finding in order to be able to accomplish things their own way, I was floored! I’ve been doing that my entire life, without knowing why it was happening. As far as I have always seen it, I had these built in flaws. I have always worked my ass off to find ways around them.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at age 50 is eye-opening. I’ve done such a great job being a yes-woman in so many ways, that some people who are very close to me couldn’t understand the diagnosis and still can’t see it. How many other people with ADHD are walking around saying “I’m fine” and convincing the people in their lives that that’s the case? Just thinking about that knocks me over. There are so many of my own behaviors that make sense now. Wow.

I can’t stress enough the difference it makes to know this. To find out that I do not actually just intrinsically suck at a very basic level changes just about everything I’ve ever believed about myself.

Knowing that there has been a reason behind so many of the things that have happened is HUGE. I’ve walked around for my entire life with this “knowledge” that I just had certain shortcomings. I have consistently been very hard on myself for not being able to correct them.

It’s really kind of cool now. I don’t have to have this armor up. I don’t have to pretend I have it all together. I don’t have to feel defensive about the things I haven’t done well. And I can finally let go of the “I want to be like everyone else. I want them to like me” that came from all of those times that I knew I didn’t fit.

So many things in this world are set up for those who CAN think in a focused, logical way and I don’t fit into that. Not only that, but guess what? That’s perfectly alright. There really is a peculiar, completely unexpected sense of freedom in this discovery.

There are two categories of medications for ADHD. I’ve discovered in the last several weeks that due to other conditions and meds I have going on, I am unable to take either of them. So I will be treating this without the help of big pharma. I’m doing research on diet, vitamins and supplements and habits and tactics that have worked for others. There are even iPhone apps for people with ADHD, with built in alarms to go off and remind you of things, I haven't downloaded any yet, but I'll take a look. Why not?

I really wanted to write this because I want other people with ADHD to know it’s okay. You can talk about it. Just because we think and process and work differently than the average person, this doesn’t make us wrong or flawed. We owe it to ourselves to love, embrace and celebrate who we are.

For me, I’m going to fully embrace the fact that I am unable to chemically alter myself to make me more like everyone else. It’s not an option for me, and so I’m going to run with that. There are so many things that I AM good at. I’ve got lots of talents and abilities, and I know they fit somewhere. It’s alright with me that I’m put together this way. It means that I’m supposed to find ways to really flaunt and enjoy the way I am and work with that every day. So, that’s the plan.

So, this blog entry is for everyone out there with ADHD and for the people who love them. We DO fit. We ARE NOT flawed. Whatever path you and your loved ones take in order to work with your diagnosis, that’s the right path for you. That’s not going to be the same for all of us.

Some of us will take medications, some won’t. Some will see counselors, some won’t. Some will embrace tactics that help us in our everyday lives, and some won’t. Whatever you choose to do, just make it what works for YOU. Pay attention to what works for you. Speak up and advocate for yourself. Have a voice. It’s alright if we do things differently. We’re wired differently, and that’s okay.

You’re beautiful. We all are. ADHD is one aspect of who we are. It doesn’t define us, but it does give us the opportunity to look at life from a completely different perspective. Let’s take that and see what we are meant to be in this world. Let’s rock this. Yes, we can.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Fire's Caress

It's like being liquid fire
Endless burn
Moving in, caressing all the little cracks in between
Finding grace where no one looks
But that is where life is lived

Flight

She raises a wing
Moving in front of the moon
They all said flying wasn't possible
But she does it every night now
Every breath, thought or movement
Changes every other thing
That's how powerful we all are
Yet we run around like naked orphans
Grasping at crumbs and scraps
Hiding from each other, and hoarding
When the entire banquet is ours
With enough for all

Sparkling


This one came from staring out the plane window last night, watching the lights below.

So, if each sparkling light represents a person 
And I'm watching them all go by
People say I'm crazy but...
I can see their souls, you know?
As they go by
Every soul is different
Unique, glaringly bright 
Beautiful 
Even when the deeds seem dark
Sometimes there's only pain
When it's all you know
Then it's all you've got to share
That doesn't make me many friends
When I say all souls are clean and beautiful
It doesn't erase our deeds, done and undone
But those things don't change the soul within
As we walk, talk and think 
Conditioning kicks in 
Fear tells us we are separate
People prefer us and them, good and bad
We don't like to ask 
How did it happen that they're acting that way
We like our walls
We need to be better than 
And point fingers 
We all point fingers
Everywhere but where we should 
Back at ourselves

So, if each sparkling light represents a person...

The Ballad of Sam and Liberty



Sam and Liberty had always been a couple
Everyone loved them, it was a perfect match
Liberty was so happy, for Sam cherished her

But in time, things changed
Sam didn't come around much anymore
Liberty heard rumors
He was sleeping with a new lady
Her name was Lady Greed
And it was said no man could look away
Once in her grasp

Sam started hanging with a bad crowd
Bunch of really sleezy types
They told Sam all about "us and them"
They loved playing a game
Called power and money
Liberty never could figure out how to play
It didn't make sense
Everyone always lost, no matter what

She only saw Sam at special occasions
He'd say all the right words to her
But when she sought his eyes
They were dead inside

Liberty was sad
But she knew who she was
And why she was here
And so
She kept on doing her thing
Without Sam

She had to believe
That in time Sam would find his way again
She couldn't bear to think
That he could die
Without ever figuring out
Why he chased such empty things
Hurting others, the land and her creatures, and himself with his selfish obsessions

This last possibility
Broke Liberty's heart
For no matter what he had done
She knew Sam's soul
And he was good, at heart

And so she kept on with her work
Teaching unity, respect and compassion
And the dignity of every person 
And she prayed every day
That Sam would come to his senses

Liberty always believed in those that she loved
Even when they were hurtful, or did not understand
When it hurt she just kept doing her work
She wiped her tears and kept going
Some days hope was harder to find than others
But she never gave up

Monday, May 4, 2015

There Really Isn't Any Running Away

We seek love
While hating ourselves
We loathe cowards
And make love to complacency
Our strongest words
Inevitably, to preserve the status quo
The one we dont want 
But we have our built in rules
Slowly robbing us of air 
Hugging our beloved garrote 
While the dearest dreams 
The ones that make our souls sing
These are relegated 
To burned journals
Drunken babble 
Dark fantasies, car singing
And subtweets 
We comfort ourselves 
By pointing the finger the other way 
But that crooked digit curls right back 
Back at us, in our faces 
And for some 
With sight
Those who can't look away 
From their own lies 
Or from yours 
Even if they wanted to
For these, the walk is changed indeed 
Always remember 
Every action has ripples of effect 
Including indecision 
Courage doesn't always look
As you might presume 
Only the warrior will recognize another warrior 
Sometimes you'll walk alone in this life 
Even when you're surrounded 
Your soul always knows what is true 
Regardless of the layers of delusion
And justification we build around it.
There really isn't any running away

Dreamers Reflection

Soul's mirror
Matched set 
Bliss
Same road 
Pain in a linear line 
Mirror cracked
One left to see beyond 
Once the same road 
Now, the mirror obscured
Roads in parallel 
Will there be flight?
There are no limits in the sky 

Signage

This Space For Lease
Forehead real estate 
If it numbs the pain
Then it's our new god 
Until it's not 
Fickle and strung out 
Grasping for anything
Anything except the truth