The lizard and the owl
Came to speak to me of dreams
There’s been a wall for quite some time
No messages it would seem
The lizard told me that’s not true
All that is needed is within
There’s nothing standing in your way
Let go and step back in
Owl reminded me gently, my visions always find their way
Remember all you’ve ever been
Speak a brand-new day
When light is dark, and dark is life
Sweet glowing depths unknown
Assembly is required
Wrapped in secrets
Carved in stone
Many call you terrible
One to be feared
Perhaps that is because so many value the impossible
Life without death
Love that never experiences loss
Brilliance that has no blemish
A faux light that is not balanced by sacred darkness
Helping from the ego, instead of asking "What do you need?"
Results without the dirty work
Pretend peace that gives comfort to a select few only
Confidence that never looks at one's own corruption
Giving without boundaries until everyone involved is shattered
Impossible!
But with you, there is nothing left under the rug
No elephants staring from the middle of the room
No, indeed, there is no lie in you
Here, the only thing that is "impossible" is hiding from oneself
And if that is terrible
Then the greatest gift of my life
Is to be terrible, too
You do not have to agree
To anything that insults your soul
Why pretend agreement or accept something that is a NO for you?
Always know the cost of what you choose and what you dismiss
I have finally learned
That both my YES and my NO
Must be firm, calmly backed up by my heart
From where the mind must take its instruction
We often think that our tiniest steps are going nowhere
Only to find that in creating the smallest of spaces
Something can grow. And to our surprise and delight, it has!
One step allows another
And even among our mistakes
Are found the very best, most delicious of times
It is never too late
There is a different quality to our days
When those YESES and NOS have begun to create that space
There is much that is no longer inevitable, less that is painful
And the difficult obstacles become possible to push through
If they are the ones you CHOOSE to tackle
Because you will no longer be less.
You are taking up space now. YOUR SPACE.
Let's make life a memoir they can't put down
Instead of a depressing epitaph
I went walking at the nearby mall this morning before work. It's a nice flat place to walk, and it's not freezing cold like a walk outside would have been today. My bones don't like cold.
Let me warn you, one comment about mall walking being an elderly activity, and I will be stopping by your house for a coffee and some discussion about your rank ageism and ableism. But I digress.
At any rate, yes, I went mall walking. It doesn't open until 11, which is a nuisance, but hopefully that will change over time. There were definitely moments of nostalgia. This mall was built in 1971 and was the first mall in our area. At the time, there were stores for everyone, unlike now. Many of the stores are aimed at the 17-25 crowd these days, which in a way is odd, since I would think they'd order online.
When I got married, this mall was the perfect place to go. We could have a family night out with the kids for next to nothing. We'd stop at Kay-Bee Toy, they'd each get an action figure, they were usually 2 for $5. We'd have to weigh ourselves on the scale at GNC. Orange Julius was a huge favorite. It was fun to see what each little booth in the middle of the mall had. Anything our family needed? Sears of course. Jeans, office attire for me, winter coats, lawn mowers and even getting the car fixed. One stop shopping! Once we were tired of walking around, we'd all get a bite to eat at Friendly's - always a treat! Sometimes we'd go to York Steak House instead, sheer bliss! My oldest always got chicken tenders, but our younger son never ordered off the kids' menu, he had to have the steak tips with onions! Hey, the kid knew what he liked. And, oh, that strawberry pie made me sooooo happy.
It's been a long time since I've been to the mall. Any mall, really. Even before the pandemic, it wasn't exactly somewhere I frequented anymore. Admittedly, ordering things online has taken away the need for places like this. That has good points and bad points. Convenience is a wonderful thing, and it was important to stay in during the worst of the pandemic, but overall, I feel we have lost something in our push-button world, even before Covid 19 changed the world. The fun and wonder of ordinary trips outside of the house, being able to see and touch things before we buy, not having EVERY SINGLE THING available with a single click. Meeting friends without needing to spend a gazillion dollars. Running into people you knew. There's no enjoyment and wonder for me in today's experience, I feel almost jaded and frequently overwhelmed. I simply do not need SO MUCH STUFF and SO MANY OPTIONS. Does that sound peculiar? It's a very familiar feeling for me, and is stronger as time goes on.
People have been mall walking for many years now. If you're older or have medical issues as I do, the mall is a great place to walk. It's level, safe, and climate controlled. Some places even had groups that met for walking together. Friends would meet daily for walk and conversation. Malls would open early as a courtesy. The mall near us used to do that. That all went away with the pandemic. Now, each state and city is making their own decisions about opening back up. I find myself wondering if mall walking will become a thing of the past. Will this place last much longer, or will we lose it? It's not as if everyone can afford to join a gym, and how many gyms have inside tracks to walk side by side with friends as so many do?
I walked by myself today. I made two full circuits around the entire mall. Not far for some, but for someone in their third decade with rheumatoid arthritis, it's pretty cool! I was happy for the random strangers I could say hello to, like the nice lady killing time waiting for her husband to get out of an appointment over at the doctor's office next door. It was nice to see all the stores, even if so many are aimed at teens. I saw a few new ones that might be fun to check out sometime. I liked the Godzilla tee I saw at one shop, and the huge metal owls at the other! I enjoyed reminiscing about being here with my family.
It was just nice to be out, doing something that my body, for the moment, was enjoying and allowing me to do. Walking. Breathing. Thinking. My pace. It was lovely and peaceful. No particular goal, other than to literally walk in circles for a little while. By the end of the second time around my ankles were telling me that was quite enough, so I headed for the car, and home for a sandwich and tea before my shift 1:00 to 9:30.
Mall walking. Some may not ever consider it. But I rather enjoyed it. I want to go back a couple of times a week moving forward until it's warmer out and I can walk outside.
I want to tell you
If they have made perfectly reasonable requests
And you have not been able to comply
You would like to please them
But you cannot bring yourself in line
Your spirit rebels
Your mind will not follow the rules given
Even your body fights you
When you try to walk the line
To stay in the box
To act appropriately
To understand what is expected
To be that which is STANDARD
They have told you there is something wrong with you
They blame you, fault you
Tell you that you must become little, predictable
Manageable
Yet, no, you do not
You cannot
I just want you to know
Just know that I see you
Know that there are many of us
Know that you are beautiful
You don't have to comply
You don't have anything WRONG with you
And you don't need to be fixed
You are wondrously, beautifully made
I celebrate all that you are
And if you forget, then come and find me
I promise to remind you
Often, aggression and narcissism masquerade as strength
Always look for the fruit of the tree, there lies the truth
Look, listen and read the signs, for they are always there
There are times when strength is messy
When it faces the darkness bequeathed to it, so long avoided
It laughs at its own faults and takes the lessons
It draws boundaries, in the face of so much pressure to be compliant
Strength knows its own center, and seeks its own equilibrium
It wastes no energy on what it knows is corrupted from within
It protects those who need a hand taking that next step
And honors the Earth
Strength is focused, certain and self-aware, without being self-serving
It balances restraint and action
It shows compassion while never being manipulated
It does not seek perfection, in itself or others
Yet it endures, and overcomes
A woman
Of a certain age
Then you were likely taught
All that "woman" is defined as
And now you look back
From the perspective
Of what some call wisdom
And perhaps it is
It could be just resignation
Some permanent state of "eye roll"
The peculiar thing
About opening your eyes
Is that you still walk into things
Because most of the world
Still has them closed
You have loved some
Tolerated others
A choice few you hold
In carefully disguised contempt
Because, well, there they are
It's too messy, after all
Heaving them off a cliff
The world is an endless list
Of expectations
You were taught
To define yourself by its fulfillment
A human vending machine of sorts
What flavor do YOU want today?
How many in your sphere actually see you?
I mean, who looks AT the vending machine
Beyond what they want, of course
If it doesn't give up the goods
We give it a shove, say "it's broken"
Oh, my. You didn't get what you wanted.
Is it still love if we're out of Snickers?
What does it mean when the vending machine is empty?
Never mind asking why no one even noticed before now
Countless women came before
And now we are here
We decide what we shall make of this journey
Redefining
Sovereignty begins where definition based on the other ends
Truth can breathe when compliance is not a way of life
Love reigns for all when it begins with the self
Wholeness gives life to all when we understand it is good to take up space