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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Happy New Year 2013

I applaud those who are strong within themselves.  You seem, on the surface, at least, to know who you are.   Celebrate that.  If indeed, you do have it that together, I am amazed!  That's beautiful!!!

Sometimes though, I can tell a person doesn't actually have it together.  Or perhaps, like me, they are new to their search for self, and finding comfort in who that is. Because that's when people see who I am as a threat to who THEY are.  They're not yet at the point where they've realized that we can be incredibly varied, take completely different paths, even believe differently - and yet - that's OK.  We can compliment each other in the best possible ways.  Everyone brings something different to the table.

Why do we always need to think that all issues are black and white?  Why does my reality, my truth have to threaten yours?  The reality?  It DOESN'T.  You just think it does.

When we are judgmental, inflexible, in those moments when we think OUR WAY is the only way, this is when we lose.  These are the moments when we build walls with our fear and our need to control.

Why can't we understand that we can BE different, and DO IT differently and that it's OK?  We can enjoy life and give each other mutual respect.We can BE.

I am beginning to understand, to know - truly - who I am and what I need to do, who and what I need to be.  And she's absolutely NOTHING like the fake, plastic little barbie doll who was walking around before.
Absolutely everything has changed.  I've left no stone un-turned.  And yes, it's true what they say - once you've opened Pandora's box.....but truthfully I wouldn't change anything about my journey these last 18 months. This feels like a homecoming, inside of me - if that makes sense.

2013 will be a year for me to finally manifest, to walk, the changes that have taken place inside of me.  Over this past year, many friends have stood by my side while I worked through each item I took out of Pandora's box.  Every item that came out into the sunlight meant more revelations,  more laughs, more tears....and more reality. Tough yes, but also freeing and amazing.  To find ones own lost soul.....

I have to pause here a moment. I find it difficult to put into words what a difference some of my friends have made to me this last year.  Listening to me, laughing with me, helping me let go, have fun and enjoy who I am, believing in me, showing me a different view, and fuck-all INFINITE patience when I was a complete loon and allowed my mess to spill onto them.  This is only the tip of the iceberg.  You know who you are and I am where I am right now - happy, excited and ready for each new day - because your help made it possible.  You have my heart and my thanks always, dearest ones, you are angels on earth. I'm sorry, I'm gushing again - but that needed to be said.

So now?  I'm ready for a new path, a new year.  I've done the excavating, I've taken out the items, looked at them in the sun and learned their lessons.  So now?  Now I MOVE. I walk forward every day, manifesting my dreams.

I will live my passion.  I will take risks. I will get up when I fall and go again! I will be silly.  I will be spontaneous. I will give in to beautiful impulses.  I will follow my intuition. I will not give up or give in.  I will enjoy each day.  I will have FUN. I will create. I will be grateful, always for the amazing souls I have come to know.  I will keep it simple. I won't take myself and everything around me so seriously! I will display compassion and love in those difficult moments.  I will get off this fucking hamster wheel and take time to build something that reflects who I am and allows me the time to live and to give and help others.  Working and sleeping and nothing more?  This is not a life, not to me.

I will stand in the sun this year.

Happy New Year!


Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Fire Inside

Needs, simple
Ideas, many
Heart, open
Passion, burning
Standing ready
Hands and feet
Aching to work
To build it
Needing to sing, dance, laugh
Live for what you love
Hold on tight
Let's do this!

T.I.G.H.

Surrounded
Fear, inertia
From within
And without
No more
I'm sorry, but
It's like the man said
This is gonna hurt
One shot
One life
Taking flight

Groove

It's easy
To lose your groove
Convince yourself
Justify 
But in the end
You know who you are
The road is before you
Get up and move 

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Unafraid

There was a time
Hesitant on my path
Needing approval
Wanting a hand to hold
Afraid to do this alone
And now
I know me
I am strong
I take life
Shake it
Mold it
Build this thing
That I see in my heart's sight
It is mine, it exists already
There are many I love
And I want so much
To take you all with me
On this walk
To journey together
Some of you will come to see
That our path's intersect
You are the freshest air of my in-drawn breath
You inspire me so
And I will live in gratitude for you
Each day we walk this road
Still others
Will move away
On their own path
And when you do
You will take a part of my heart
With you
The tears will come
And the pain, it will stay
But I know my path
And I will walk it
There is great and amazing joy
And freedom in this
For a soul to wake each day
Eager for the day
Loving each moment
Grateful for each breath
I can see it
And I am building it
Every soul I have encountered
So beautiful
For what you have all added
To my life
I am so grateful
And truly, I love you
I raise my glass to each of us
And our beautiful journeys
I wish you love and light on yours
As I take mine
Eager for each new day

Saturday, December 15, 2012

All The Difference

It matters not
How you found it
You just rejoice
That you did
Your heart's in-drawn breath
When there was no air
For so long
And knowing it exists
Regardless of how life plays out
Your soul cans soar
Because if the universe
Really DOES
Contain this truth
Then other simple
Beautiful things
Must also be real
Real, and possible
This knowledge
It rewrites your story
From the inside out
Yes, I know
There is both joy
And sorrow in this
But once known
You would not give up
This soul knowledge
Not for anything
For knowing it
Has made all the difference

Precious and Breakable

People
Souls we encounter
They are precious
I encounter them
Catch a glimpse
Of their soul
And I fall
Matters not
What roles we play
We can be anything
I only love one way
Everyone
Deeply
When I try to show them
I fuck it up so profoundly
Since I've found open
I find translation
From what I know inside
To walking it
To be difficult
I come to know them
Souls, so beautiful
So profoundly breathtaking
I cannot help but reach out
Draw closer
Want to know more, to help
To love
Because my sight....
I see you
Do you understand?
I SEE YOU
Accepting, celebrating, loving
All that you are
And it all spills over
And in that moment
It happens
I can't....how do I.....
Why can't I ever show it
What I know inside
I begin to understand
Even when what you share
Is good
Now, standing in the light
Long enough to focus
I see
Every action
Every action
Must be cautious
You can share
You can love
You can help
But you must be careful
Souls are precious and beautiful things
But they can be bruised and hurt
Caution is in order
Until a day
When I do not
Walk through life
Like that proverbial
Bull in a china shop
No, I do not pull back
From open
Simply walking cautiously
Until I move
More naturally

Pandora - Life Outside The Box

If you open it
There is good and bad inside
And I warn you
You can't put it back in
Won't be able to close that lid
Like stuffing a jack-in-the-box back in
I'll admit, at first
I WAS regretting opening it
Walking through a foreign land
No signposts or familiar markers
Just no point of reference
Mistakes, messes
Pain, both mine and others
I've tried running for cover 
Yes, a few times
 But, no
Running, quitting 
Not going to happen
Awake and aware now
Knowing the truth
Learning every day
To not walk it 
In reality 
Now
Weak & Cowardly
I will learn & embrace lessons
In both the joy and the mistakes
I will make right where I can
I will embrace life 
I will sing, laugh 
And I will love
I will LIVE 

Stones In The Pond

Everything we do
Each action
Your thoughts, too
Like a stone
Thrown into a still pond
Circles, spreading outward
Moving, overlapping
Whether you are glad of it
Or bleeding regret
Ever further reaching
Those circles
And you
You are your own
Cosmic pitcher
Throwing those stones
Sometimes carefully
Other times, a random careless act
Still
You own it all
Know that

Sunday, December 9, 2012

A Little Dickens

I watched the classic Alastair Sim version of "A Christmas Carol" last night. I've always been a fan of this particular version, because of the stellar character actors, and Sim's performance in general. He had such an expressive face, and that laughing at the end...simply perfect.

I have seen so many performances of "A Christmas Carol" over the years. I have also read the story, many times.

For some reason, a particular line of dialogue stood out to me last night. The moment comes when Scrooge and The Ghost of Christmas Past are about to depart his rooms, and Scrooge says that he is afraid to fall.

The ghost says "Bear but a touch of my hand.....and you shall be upheld in more than this."

There is so much in this short line! Clearly for Scrooge, trusting this agent of good would do more for him than stop him from falling. A win-win for Scrooge, Yes?

But what about us?  I got to thinking...when WE offer help to each other, isn't the good that comes of it so often more than the simple act itself?

Really listening and delighting in a conversation with someone, picking a friend up from the airport, letting someone know something they created touched you, or bringing the crossing guard at your kid's school a coffee....small examples of everyday things we can all do.

I don't want to sound Pollyanna. But I do know when someone does something for me, the happy feeling goes beyond just what they did.

And, I feel great when I help someone else. There's that win-win again.

We can all be agents of good in each other's lives. Charles Dickens. Pretty smart dude, I'd say.

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Power To Burn Brightly

Here are some everyday pleasures that help me keep my lights on. What's on your list?

1. Walking in nature
2. First time in Fenway Park
3. Myles Kennedy's voice
4. Exploring new territory
5. Live music that kicks ass
6. Hot chocolate with Bailey's
7. Blisstique's music
8. Friday at 5:00
9. My little robot ring
10. Chris Whitley's lyrics
11.Todd Kerns! He just IS Rock N Roll!
12. Chewing. Stroking.
13. Writing
14. Taking pictures
15. Maker's Mark straight up
16. Glenn Stewart gigs
17. Hazelnut coffee
18. Making eye contact
19. Friendship!
20. Writing poems for my other blog

Just having fun......send me yours in the comments :-)

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Impostor

There's an impostor in my life
She lives inside of me
The truth is, she's the real
The one who walks the walk
Like she always has
She's a fake
I wear her, like a coat
Every day
While the real me
Smothers inside
Anxiety attacks grip me
When I must be too much
The old, closed me
Keep up the facade
So wrong, so foreign
I must let me out
While I have
Some marbles left
Path ahead so different
Than the predicted
But I must walk it
And no longer be
The impostor

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My Hallelujah

I ask myself
If you are there
Or not
Most often I think you are not
There was a time
That I kissed your feet
Believed unequivocally
It was comforting
But then
The empty
I looked for you
Looked
And looked
Endlessly searching
I found nothing
But when I see
The beauty of the souls
I have been blessed to
Know in this life
No matter what happens
Regardless of the passage of time
Victories and defeats
Joys
Tragedies
I look into their eyes
Or read their words
Then I see the soul
Of another human being
I can always find it
I still have no idea
If you are there
But I have never lost it
Inside of me
Defining hope
I close my eyes
And there it is, my
Hallelujah

Handling The Truth

Be thankful for those 
Who tell you the truth
For without it 
You are lost 

We get angry at them
Don't want to hear it
Find reasons to discount
The message they share 

The reasons they know
And why they share 
The particular vehicle they've chosen
These are not the point

What does matter
Is the message
And if you fight it
Become incensed 

Then you know
What they share 
It is for you
Open up and listen! 

Yes I know many
Truth seekers and truth tellers
In my face they are 
Relentless, sometimes obnoxious

They rip my comfort from me
Refuse to let me be complacent 
Always making me look in the mirror
And face what I would rather ignore 

There will never be a moment
That I am not thankful for you
My beautiful truth tellers
Never stop 




Not That Girl

I spent some time reading over some of my old journals last night, the one I was reading was circa 2004.  I was carrying on and on, pages and pages over the course of many months - all with the same theme.  I wanted to be a better person.  My  family was not happy with me.  I wasn't good enough. I needed to change, I needed to improve.

I have to be honest, I found the entire experience reading that over to be extremely sickening and disturbing. The person who wrote those entries comes across as a weak little mouse.  She assumes that she is in the wrong and everyone around her is right. She fully believes that she's somehow "bad" and needs to trust in God and her family that this is true and that she must "be better".

What is she doing with her time?  Working full time, managing a house & family and the complicated dynamics of this Twilight Zone version of the Walton's we have here with all the relatives in one building, and dealing with full-blown rheumatoid arthritis.

Even when someone attacks her verbally, she finds a reason to excuse them and blame herself.  Frankly, I still can't get get rid of the sense of disgust I felt reading those entries over.

OK, fine, "she" isn't someone else, she's me.  Or she was.  I guess that's what I realized and I'm thankful for it.  She WAS me.  I need to forgive her for the weakness she displayed in not believing in and standing up for herself.  I just want to take the lessons I can learn from that me, and move forward.

What this reading also brought home to me is how far away from that person I am now.  Clearly, I don't have all the answers.  Ask any of my friends, you have been with me on my journey to "finding me" that I started in September of 2011 and you know - it has been a messy, crazy journey!  (You know who you are, know that I love you and you have my heart forever, sweet friends.)

I do know for certain that I'm NOT that girl anymore.  While I may not know exactly what comes next, I have a much stronger sense of self now.  I believe in myself. I know what I want and I know what I need. I don't make excuses for that.  It isn't wrong.  I am not wrong.  Like anyone, I have things I can improve on and get better at.  But I am no longer the person who feels worthless and believes she is somehow lacking.  I have found my power.  It was there inside of ME the entire time.

What comes next?  I don't know. But every day, I will walk in the truth of who I am.  That means some people will stay with me and others may choose not to.  That is natural and is part of life.

The only plan I have is to walk forward, be truly myself, live in a way that honors my truth and my passion and to do that without purposely harming anyone. I will live deliberately.  Thanks HDT for that one.

Peace to you all.  

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Following It

People walking through their day
A snippet of conversation
Music playing in the background
A lyric stuck in your head
You carry it with you
Like a shiny golden thing
It lives inside you
And all around you
No one can see it
You never talk about it
But yet, it defines you
Could you even describe it
If you wanted to?
Probably not
It's not a voice, not a feeling
Not a belief or a set of rules
Maybe you could call it
Your soul
It will lead you
If you let it

Carrying Hope

Where does hope live
Is it in our heart
Does our daily routine
Fortify it
Or take it away
Is your life grey
Or can you see the colors
Is hope a destination
Or perhaps an attitude
That you take with you
On the journey
It can be hard to hold on to
When times are tough
But isn't that when it's
The most precious
It can even stay with you
When you change direction
A nebulous, invisible commodity
This hope
But vital for survival, I think

Hand On The Gate II

Can you let go of it
What it's supposed to look like
The way it should be
It's one thing to talk about it
Well, let me tell you
It's another altogether
To actually do it
But when you dig your soul out
Brush off all that dirt and dust
Then, it wants to go out and play
And if you're afraid
To get out of your own way
Unable to leave your comfort zone
Then you end up
Standing at the gate
All aching and needing it so bad
You can see it, taste it
But you're too far away to touch it
Because you won't walk in
I think we all do this sometimes
True courage, it seems to me
Is moving forward
Even when you're scared shitless

To Be Continued........


Random Stream of Consciousness

You get tired of taking inventory
After a while
Sort of feels like
When the hell do I stop
Finding huge new revelations
Please tell me
There aren't any more areas
Where I'm that delusional
Holy hell
I'd love to think maybe
I'll get my act together
One of these days
You know?
I'm better at "digging" and "excavating"
Than a professional contractor
But hey
You know something?
It's all good
Every person's journey
Is different
I think that this life
Is a beautiful, messy, crazy, sexy, amazing
Little groove
And I'm going to enjoy it
I've got a sneaking suspicion
There are more revelations
To be had
And, more fun too
Yeah, we'll get there
One day at a time
I plan on enjoying the journey