Line Drawn

I really cannot give you 

What you simply haven’t earned 

I reached out to you so many times 

And each time I got burned 

You stayed inside that little box 

And never truly saw 

The pain that you were causing me 

Your one true fatal flaw 

You see you’re beautiful in so many ways

You’ll always have my love 

But after a while I grew thick skin

Called out for help from above 

I finally learned to give myself 

The love you never could 

And now I walk in my own truth 

You’ll be my friend for good 

 But never again the gift to give 

The sacred now withheld 

My love requires special care 

In the end, my heart rebelled 

Again I’ve learned that broken 

Will open you and change your shape 

So difficult, but good and true 

Reworking my landscape 

I hold you no ill will

I wish you joy and light 

But I must live for myself now 

I’ve given up this fight 

STOP ASSUMING I DON’T CARE

ABOUT “INVISIBLE” CHRONIC ILLNESS 

(STOP ASSUMING I DON'T CARE)

I’m sharing this using my own words. There are a few versions going around. 

All I ask is that you read this all the way through. Please. Thank you.

There are many illnesses that people walk around with every day which are invisible to everyone else. 

There is a huge gap between the place where someone is diagnosed with one of these illnesses, and the place where they are considered “disabled“ by the government.

This means that there will usually be decades where the person walks around with the crushing fatigue and pain of a major illness, all while being expected by the rest of the world to compete with healthy people, to do what healthy people can do. 

At home and on the job, there is often the perception that perhaps these people are lazy, crabby, grouchy or bitchy, that they have a bad attitude, that they don’t care, that they are negative, that they don’t have any drive or ambition, or that they don’t want to do well.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth of the matter is that they’re using every bit of energy they have to be able to get up and shower and walk through the day and do tasks that you find so simple and take for granted.

Yes. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Celiac Disease, Sjogrens Syndrome, Reynauds as well as an anxiety condition. The Arthritis, Sjogrens and anxiety have historically been the ones that kick my ass. 

I am not sharing this for sympathy. And I’m not posting it just for myself. I’m posting it so that people might get an understanding.

The person that you run into every day who you maybe think has a bad attitude, is a subpar worker, or is just a bitch or a crabby old fuck… Maybe there’s more to the story than you realize. 

For people with “invisible” chronic illness, plugging themselves into the same expectations as a healthy person is one of the hardest things that they have to do every single day. It takes superhuman effort every day.

The truth of the matter is that for the proper care of their body they need about twice the amount of time off and rest that you do as a healthy person. But that’s usually not something that they’re able to get. There isn’t an amount of rest that’s going to “cure“ them. They are always going to need more downtime and rest than a healthy person. Always, for the entire time that they are living. And this customarily does not get better with age, it gets worse.

This is why so many of us will run around trying every imaginable thing for improvement. Medications, supplements, diets, meditation… Every possible option that comes down the pike. Something that lessens pain, gives more blessed rare energy, helps bolster the mood without 1,000,000 side effects. We will usually try them all. We spend an ordinate amount of time reading and researching trying to find ways to help ourselves.

Sometimes this comes across as being selfish or self focused. It isn’t that. It’s really just trying to find ways to meet the world’s expectations without feeling like you’re falling on your face every day.

So this is for everyone who deals with invisible chronic illness. I for one see you, even on those days when other people don’t. I know what you deal with every day. I know what it’s like for you to get up and do the things that everyone else takes for granted. 

I am very grateful for my life. I am surrounded by people that I love, even in the most peculiar and difficult of circumstances. I have goals that I work toward and that I am meeting. Amazing things happen to me all of the time… This weekend was a testament to that. Every day is a source of awe and wonder for me.

I’m not writing this to be negative. I’m writing it to build awareness. As you go through every day life just know that you probably know more people with invisible chronic illness then you realize. We are all around you, doing what we do. It’s so much more difficult than you could possibly imagine. So if we sometimes have a day when we’re not blowing sunshine up your ass,  please give us a pass. We really are trying our best. And we will continue to do so every day.

Thanks for listening.

One Who Sees

You used to think you were held down
And everything was sharp edges, walls and cages
You kinda liked the pain
It kept you alive
It was how you knew you weren't dead

So peculiar now
You don't need the pain
Who knew breathing in and out
Could happen without it
Almost didn't know what to do with it at first

Star stuff, pulling in what must come
Releasing what you can't carry, traveling light
There's no good or bad, dark or light, alone or together
It's all just here, you're finally owning your part in it
Conscious choices, and it's about fucking time
Owning your personal power and every last consequence

Once you figure out the horrible moments won't actually kill you
You're just so much less risk averse
What exactly were you waiting for? Permission? Guarantees? A map or guidebook?
One foot in front of the other baby
Eyes and heart open, spirit soars
You are One Who Sees

Whatever comes now
You're awake and dancing with it
Completely present
Life isn't happening to you
YOU are happening

What We Are Willing To Ignore

I find myself in an odd place this morning. This isn't a raving, angry political post. It's....a search to make sense of something.

A few weeks ago, I made a decision to stop having political conversations on social media. I decided that I would remain informed and do what I felt was best by taking action in the real world, instead of having keyboard fights and staying in the useless energy of fear and rage. I decided my actual involvement and action in the real world was what is key now, and not what I put on Facebook.

I am not sorry I made that choice, it is the right one for me. It still is. The peace of mind it has given me is absolutely worth it. And I'm already involved in several things I was not before, so I am happy to be taking concrete actions that I feel will help where I feel strongly about things.

The past few days, I have been really thrown for a loop by the reaction many people have had to Elizabeth Warren's reading of Coretta Scott King's letter and statement regarding Jeff Sessions.

I, too, think that the conduct of our politicians, and frankly of many of us (myself included at times) has been reprehensible as we scream, yell, label, libel, character assassinate, and worse. We have lost sight of working for the greater good of all. I, too, feel strongly that we must expect more of our elected officials - and ourselves.

However, there's something missing here. Jeff Sessions record, his actions and statements throughout his career are a matter of public record. He has been bypassed for appointments before by the Republican Party specifically because of this record.

This week, a white woman tried to read a letter written by a black woman that simply and clearly points out details of that record.

Suddenly, her actions are inappropriate, divisive, and wrong and must be censored.

When you stand out there for all the world to see and make who you are abundantly clear, consistently, for years, as Jeff Sessions has done, having someone simply point out what you have done is not inappropriate or divisive.

I think we really need to ask ourselves. What are we defending here when we need so desperately to shut these two women up?

It is not character assassination to simply state what someone has publicly done and said.

Racism. Sexism. Being so overwhelmed with all the conflict that we can let something like this go by, as long as we can have a few minutes of peace. Perhaps it is a mix of these factors.

I'm one of the people who has begged for peace of mind and an end to the conflict we have been in, since way before the election. I've even read articles by mental health professionals that say it is truly unhealthy for us all to be in this state of constant conflict, fear, anger and anxiety we have been living in.

I'll continue to avoid conflict on line as much as I can, because it drains me too much and I can't be of any use that way. That's my choice. I'll continue to focus on well thought out, constructive real world action for the highest good.

For me, that does not include ignoring what is right in front of my face. The truth doesn't change just because it makes me feel shitty. What we are willing to ignore says just as much about us as what we do and say.

Woman

And in those days
When truth became sedition
The people found
WOMAN would not be silent

She would not be shushed
Or convinced that her femaleness was only fulfilled
In silent submission
And decorative acquiescence

Instead
She spoke the truth with dignity and boldness
She backed it up with action
Action that built something lasting
It was good for ALL of the people
And for the beautiful land they lived in
She rolled up her sleeves
And did the work
People joined in
And it was good

She was sovereign unto herself
And so
WOMAN would not be silent
She was one
She was a multitude
And she changed the world