This Is Your Road

Footsteps 

How many days, lives 

How many steps

Hands move through the day

Thoughts running wild 

Then taking sudden pause 

Like children playing tag

Wind blows, and it feels clean inside you

You knew the rain outside 

Before it came 

Catching the scent of life's flow 

Moved to quiet, sweet ecstasy 

While the day does it's happening 

What is this foundationless certainty 

Security in blind free fall 

Time stops being a line 

And it's all one instant 

Impossible to describe 

You'd love to tell someone

Or to show them, a joining 

You look into their eyes 

Once in a while, when you do 

You see it, a fleeting glimpse 

Before they pull the shutters closed

You smile with love 

Feeling the cry forming in your throat 

And you walk on 

For you 

There's no going back 

And you're not sorry 

Oh no, never, ever sorry 

To be living this crazy, indescribable love affair with being 

Fear makes it's visits

And you know longing as a constant companion 

Senses altered 

You know this life 

Differently now

So 

You do what you do 

And as time goes on 

Only raw, relentless authenticity works 

Otherwise, how can you breathe 

This is your road 

Me And My Shadow

Shadow dancing. When I was growing up, my reference point for that phrase was a song by Andy Gibb. Like many, I had a huge crush on Andy, and had a poster of him on my bedroom wall.

Nowadays, shadow dancing is a bit different. It's when all of the lovely "stuff" we're so tempted to hide comes out, refusing to be hidden or quieted. 

My shadow self is relentless.  She can be angry, restless, sad, uncomfortable, impatient, full of doubt, easily bored, judgemental, selfish, terrified, and emotional. She's convinced she is hideously ugly. She craves validation. She's oblivious, and is hungry and horny for something to quell her fear. 

I don't like hanging out with her. I prefer to pretend she doesn't exist. I don't like her.  But she's not having any of that.  She won't be ignored. 

For a long time, I thought love meant not having any of that "darkness" in your life. I thought it was something to be eliminated. I searched for, and tried many methods to do exactly that. But it doesn't work that way. At least, I will say it hasn't for me. 

In late 2011, I took the lid off Pandora's Box. Slowly, my view of my shadow has changed. 

There's a balance in everything. Love becomes a living thing and a way to be. Expectations become chains that you choose not to wear. There's this peculiar, intricate pattern of doing and waiting, moving and stillness; it's like a mathematical equation and yet it's art all at once. And you're part of it, one with it. 

My nickname for my shadow self is "Rage Bitch."  Because my first clue that she's around is that I am angry, enraged at everything and everyone. It's hot, red, venom, and it's hard not to spew it at everyone. 

I don't fight with her anymore. Shadow gets way more intense, so much stronger when I deny her or fight with her. She's like a cornered animal, she gets vicious if threatened. 

So I sit with it, whatever I'm feeling. At first, I literally just sit there and accept it. I'll just be there, and be angry. Sad. Impatient. Ugly. Terrified. Whatever is there is alright. I don't judge it. 

After a while I talk to Shadow. I ask. "Why are you so angry? What is making you afraid? Why do you think you're ugly?" And I let her answer. Again, no judgement. Whatever the answer is, it's okay. 

Finally, I just tell her it's alright. I tell her I love her. I thank her for being honest and for being so brave in bringing this up so we could talk about it. I remind her that she's beautiful, loved and amazing just as she is. 

Sometimes an action step will come out of this, like talking to a family member or friend about an issue, or taking some other action. Other times, just the recognition and acceptance of where I was at is enough, and I will begin to feel lighter, happier, more at peace.  

I've come to understand that Shadow comes out when there's something deeper, buried beneath the surface that needs the sun to shine brightly upon it. Something is needing to be seen, acknowledged and loved. 

I also find the wisdom within my own body to be remarkable. Whenever Shadow comes to hang out, I usually find that there has been an accompanying message in my physical body. It can be a headache, fatigue, or a myriad of other symptoms.  When Shadow comes to remind me of things that I need to release, this is often timed to line up perfectly with my menstrual cycle. 

All in all, I've spent a good deal of time and effort trying to run from Shadow. What I've learned is that I can't. Shadow is a part of me, a part that has just as much to teach me as Light does. 

She's the one who has made me look at all of the things that fly out of Pandora's Box. She's the one who gave me the gift of discomfort that made me question the status quo of my life, on all levels. She graces me with impatience when I'm not moving along when I need to be. She was the one who kept pushing when I was looking for a place to learn as I continue on this path. She makes me uncomfortable enough to break meaningless rules that limit me, and everyone else.

And yeah, when she makes herself known, I still roll my eyes and think "Here we go, what's she all freaked about this time?" But truly, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Darkness, light and everything in between. It's all me. And, it's all good.  

Night Driving

Tree branches 

Splayed against a blue black sky

Car headlights 

Reveal glimpses of fire

In safe little yards 

People slumber in well kept homes

While I drive on by

Fingers tapping on the wheel 

I think of them 

All installed in their beds 

And I know 

They have an inner world, too 

Letting their thoughts have wing 

Without limits 

In those last few moments 

Just before sleep 

I love these peculiar little snippets of living 

When solitude, motion and spirit dance

You're reminded 

That you exist on both sides of the veil 

All at once sometimes 

And that you can trust 

What you know 

No matter what 

I do love the beautiful, sacred night 

I Didn't Ask You

I didn't ask you if your religious or spiritual tradition "allows" a particular belief. 

I didn't ask you if you have the civil right as an American citizen to have that belief. 

I didn't ask you what you've accomplished or what others say about you. I don't want your "good person" resume.

What I am asking you is this:  If we strip away your religious or spiritual beliefs and your civil rights and leave you as a naked human being- what does your inner sense of integrity and humanity tell you about your words and actions which are hurting other human beings? 

We aren't perfect. We fail, a lot. I do. But how does anything ever change if we don't ask ourselves the question?

Wing Walker

After a while, you come to realize that your sense of values is far, far outside of where you used to be; indeed, far outside of that of many you know and love. 

The things that excite you, make your heart beat faster, and your entire way of being in the world has been radically altered. 

Home is something you know within you, but isn't anything you can describe very well. It has always been there, inside you, and all the times seeking it elsewhere are behind you now. 

Your words and actions perplex people, but you know that you are exactly where you ought to be. You try and describe that inner compass sometimes, with mixed results. 

The structures you once held dear, the common everyday safety nets that bring comfort, the methods we all use to weigh ourselves and our world - they have all fallen away. You find it difficult to articulate what has taken their place, but you find that you do know how to walk it. You always have known, really. The days of squashing down and ignoring your intuition and natural instincts are gone.

It's like the most glorious, perplexing combination of blind free fall while all at once knowing exactly what is coming - and living each moment in the certainty that it is yours. Indeed, it cannot pass you by.

It's very lonely sometimes. It's breathtakingly beautiful while being heartbreaking, too. But you can't even consider going back to sleep.  It's not possible, not now, and you know that you wouldn't - even if you could. You aren't sorry to be where you are. You know who and what you are, you have a sense of why you're here. You remember. And, in truth, you are never alone. 

So you trust it. You trust The Universe. You trust yourself. 

And you keep walking that path.