The other day I was sitting in a meeting at work. It was a really good meeting, and covered some very interesting material. During this meeting I was very distracted. I had a large list of client requests, and was concerned about getting them done. As a result, I was of two minds during the meeting. As always, my focus was on getting things done NOW, in the moment. The meeting provided information that was training focused, things I would use at some future time. At the end of the presentation, which was very good, we were asked if we had any questions. I couldn't possibly imagine anything else we needed to cover, and continued to mentally chafe at not being out at my desk cranking out the deadline oriented items on my desk.
It was at this point that one of my co-workers asked a question. It was a good question, and brought to light some information I wouldn't have thought of. It was very useful and helpful information. Clearly my co-worker thought more long term than I did. She's very busy too, but she could see the big picture where I missed it.
On my way home from work that night, I thought more about this. This has absolutely happened to me before. I asked myself what contributes to this tendency that I have to be my best self in the moment, when I need to scramble, but to have such difficulty with planning ahead and focusing on long term goals, and moving slowly?
Was my lack of college a contributing factor? I'd always told myself my experience more than made up for this. But was it really true? I continued to run into situations that showed me that perhaps I HAD missed something. My college educated peers did seem to have some knowledge and perspective that I didn't at times. I also wondered, was part of it due to my family's lack of social connectedness, which left me ill equipped to handle the working world? (Hell, the real world in general!!)
Truthfully, those things are contributing factors to be sure, but there comes a time when you need to overcome your past. I feel as if it's a cop-out if I rely on those explanations. They feel like excuses.
I know that when Rob and I got married I was far from ready for "adult life." We've spent our lives working hard, taking care of family and somehow along the way I developed a special skill for survival. I can do crisis management. I can scramble with the best of them. Throw me into a tough situation, and I'll find a way to get through it. I can talk an upset customer down off the ceiling, handle a termination of a staff member with grace, balance a budget with way less money than I need.....you get the idea. My solutions aren't always pretty. They are rarely polished. They get the job done, quickly, in that moment. They help me and the people around me get through. They're survival mode material. Hold it together with bubble gum and paperclips.
This summary of my mode of moving through life reminds me of an episode of M*A*S*H that I saw several times. It was the episode when the character of Charles Emerson Winchester III is introduced, and it is his first time in surgery at the M*A*S*H 4077th. He says "I do one thing at a time, I do it well, and then I move on." Charles soon falls behind as the wounded pour in and the other doctors have to tell him to speed it up. Hawkeye tells him that what they do is like "meatball surgery".....you just save their lives, patch them up. You glue them together the best you can, just enough so they make it. Someone else will worry about making it pretty when they get to Tokyo.
I always thought to myself that after the war, Charles was probably the type of surgeon that a major hospital would want. But in that crisis moment, the person you need is Hawkeye.
So, somehow, my approach to work, and to life in general has become more Hawkeye than Charles. At times, it's great. But at other times it's really not helpful. My skills in the area of long range planning, big picture thinking are sorely lacking. I get bored when I have to sit still and do the slow, careful work.
Lately, I have found that this is actually beginning to get in the way. I'm actually uncomfortable when I have to stop, slow down, focus.....I'm like Oh just give me the memo and get out of my way and let me do my thing!
It feels as if I'm one of those stones that skim across the surface of the water. It looks really good at first, but at the end they sink to the bottom right?
I need to focus. I need to think, work, live deliberately. I need to take time to be in the moment. What do I want to be doing right now? Do I know, have I thought about it?
This bears more thinking, meditation, or prayer. But I needed to get these thoughts down now, while they're on my heart.
