This Is Love

The heart 

Holds space for others 

Without expectation 

Like a candle in the window 

A soul friend, always there

Knowingly allows the indwelling 

Gladly carrying the love 

Needing nothing 

Asking nothing 

Without condition 

Simply holding space 

Surrounding in love 

All those it holds 

This is freedom 

This is being 

This is love 

Getting Real

In the quiet it's different 

Being is different 

When the noise stops 

There's no time 

You could be 5 years old 

Or 17, or 92 

Minutes gather around 

Asking for attention 

Like shiny little pieces of stained glass 

Choosing not to dive in

Immersed in the space between 

Watching the shadows play

The more you open 

The stranger it gets 

One foot in each plane 

Do you occupy both

Or neither?

You think about concepts like identity 

You're not the face 

On the license 

Draped with narratives that no longer define 

So rare to be seen 

Really seen, even glimpsed 

For what you truly are 

And you crave it 

That sweet, tender bliss

Of being known 

But that's like making yourself into

The Velveteen Rabbit 

There's no need to wait 

You're already real 

On Abundance and Sacrifice

This morning I find myself contemplating sacrifice and abundance. My views and ideas have changed so very much over the past several years, I now define these words so differently than I once did. Or, do I? It's safe to say that I don't define them the way I have in the past.

But, what do they mean to me now?

Sacrifice used to be, in my head, a complete denial of the self for the good of others, or for a worthy goal that a person or a group is working toward. Abundance to me was defined as having financial freedom.

But now? I've changed. I'm not stagnant, numb or in a fog and my definitions of just about everything change daily. Life is a moving target now, and there's very little that doesn't shift like the changeable New England weather outside my window. I'm learning a different kind of comfort. This isn't a comfort that thrives on sameness, predictability and routine but instead one that trusts in my partnership with the Universe and has come to understand this never ceasing movement as good. Sometimes it's like being in a small boat going down a river. Other days, it's like being the river. All I know is the flow, the movement, is a natural thing and so I am in it.

Abundance has a much wider meaning now. One can have an abundance of health, friends, opportunities, blessings, surprises, and pleasurable experiences as well as an abundance of financial freedom. As I learn to gratefully recognize the blessings of abundance and the joy of sharing these blessings, I notice that more and more blessings arrive.

Sacrifice. I have come to reject the notion of sacrifice that shows itself as a denial of who you are. I once embraced a version of this word that made human beings into fearful, people pleasing toadies. I know that's what I was doing. I defined myself based on what others thought of me, and so I worked very hard at "making it okay" for everyone, without ever checking in with myself. I don't recommend this as a life choice, by the way. Now I see sacrifice in a vastly different light. Sacrifice, to me, is a choice to not have or participate in one thing because you are making an informed, conscious choice for another thing. If I'm going to make a sacrifice, that means I am deciding to put my energies in the direction of one thing instead of another thing because I feel it is a part of where I'm trying to go, or what I'm trying to do. It plays into personal integrity, both to myself and the way I interact with the world around me.

I guess I needed to work through this just now, because that river I mentioned is moving in different directions and I am frequently, daily finding myself in the position of choosing THIS or THAT. Some of these choices are small things, and others are not.

There was a time that I didn't believe abundance and sacrifice could exist together; sacrifice was something I defaulted into, convinced that somehow I'd find "happiness" in doing whatever it was that I didn't want to do but which I others thought was a great idea. Abundance was a far off ideal and although I occasionally dipped my toes in it, I shrank back from it, as if enjoying it too much would mean it would be taken away.

Now, I know that I am the one navigating my ship. I decide, whether it is what to wear today, what to eat for lunch or something bigger like where to work or who to have in my life and who not to. I'm coming to understand, more each day, who and what I am and why I'm here. I know that, as with all of us, The Universe is madly, passionately in love with me. I partner with the Divine and we create beautiful things. That means that abundance is mine, and takes many forms. It also means that it's my decision what I do with my time, my energy and the resources before me on any given day.

First I need to know at least what general direction I'm heading in. What are my goals? What does my personal integrity tell me as far as how I'm going to relate to the world? What do I believe in? What's important to me? That gives me a compass. And I think maybe that compass is how I decide, as the song says, what to leave in and what to leave out. I might have a dozen opportunities for various things that present themselves to me today. I have to decide which ones are for me. Which ones are moving me toward my goals? Which ones are a part of the direction I'm going in or fit in with what's true and right for me?

I think that helps. Abundance isn't a far off thing, for others only. It's here NOW and the Universe and I can shape it into anything, and it can be enjoyed and shared with everyone around me right NOW. Sacrifice is a conscious choice I will make, or not make in any given moment when I decide on one experience over another, choose one activity over another or create movement toward a goal or not, based on that compass.

Human being. Woman. Angel. Witch. Mother. Wife. Friend. Goddess. Poet. Lover. Lost. Found. Weak. Powerful. Full. Empty. Healthy. Sick. Free. Shackled. Sometimes all of that, sometimes none of the above. So are you. But either way, by choice or by avoidance of choice, with our own thoughts and actions, we are steering our own ship.

I for one, am going to grab that wheel and enjoy being captain.

Living

A balance 

Between doing and being 

Time to breathe 

A task undertaken 

With intent and love

Finds creative flow 

But fueled by guilt or obligation 

Finds failure and conflict 

Do 

Or not do 

Which is your intent?

A choice 

The heart 

A universal language 

Known by all 

Giving birth 

Takes many forms 

That which lives within you 

Waiting for breath, and life 

Is an entirely unique force 

Vital to our world 

Only you can bring it forth 

Love 

Isn't a commodity

Knows no percentages

Fouled by expectations

When allowed it's truth

It changes the face of your pain

Heals the places that were hidden 

Shows you your personal power 

Reminds you you're precious 

Defines freedom 

Will change the world 

By changing you

From The Inside Out

In America, we kill each other in far greater numbers than any terrorist could. Yet, we continue along with our days, oddly accustomed to this insane ugliness that has seeped into what we once were, into our very lives. 

As long as someone is there to put it neatly into a category for us, we don't have to look inside of ourselves. We don't have to see what needs to be changed in ourselves. 

We can also keep pretending our political system hasn't been hijacked by Wall Street, and that our power and greed based policies and actions nationally don't exist and aren't impacting millions of people.

If Scott Pelley or David Muir says its someone else's fault, we don't have to look at the part we play nor the part our country plays in things that have to change....locally, nationally and globally.

What do we do about it? It's overwhelming, honestly. I feel inept, unprepared and clueless in the face of all of this. But I have to do something.

I'm going to start with myself. I'm going to learn, because the world is full of situations and people who can teach us. How else to grow and change?  I'm going to keep asking questions. I'm going to understand that it's important to poke around and discover the reasons and motivations behind things. I'll remember that the comfortable answer isn't always true. I'm going to excavate and fight the prejudices hidden in my subconscious - we all have them no matter how much we wish we didn't. When I find something within me that it's time to change, I'm going to compassionately accept that and walk forward and embrace that change. I'm going to be a pain in the ass and keep questioning and speaking. I'm going to vote even when it feels pointless. I'm going to speak and act from the quiet authority of truth that is only found within.

I'm not going to give up. We can't give up. We can make this better. From the inside out.

Definitions: On Womanhood and Bravery

I've recently read quite a few opinions on line regarding Caitlyn Jenner. Who hasn't, the story is unavoidable. Of course, everyone has their thoughts on the subject.

One recent posting got me thinking. The writer came from the point of view of what truly defines bravery for a woman. I found myself sitting there, working through it in my head.

First, I wondered - what do I think defines me as a woman? Do I qualify simply because I have breasts, a vagina and a uterus? I gave birth to two sons, maybe that's what cements my womanhood? I'm married to a man, does that matter? Is it what I wear? My name? How I carry myself? Do I have to be the nurturing type to be a real woman? What about "acting feminine", is that important?

My anatomy defines what sex I am. I'm female. My gender comes from inside of me, the essence of who I am, not from my anatomy. For me, this is female also. My sexual orientation comes from my heart. I'm straight.

None of this defines me as a woman. What does?

I DO.

 

I don't need anyone to validate that. No one else who identifies as a woman needs anyone to validate it either.

So the next question is what defines bravery as a woman? One writer mentioned women who have had cancer, women who have survived abuse, raised kids alone, fought for a woman's right to vote and furthered the cause of feminism. I had to agree wholeheartedly. Those are all examples of incredibly brave women, women who have shown us and continue to show us every single day what bravery means - women who are still fighting that fight right now, today.

So, as a friend said, publicity and fame aside, does that mean that Caitlyn Jenner is not brave? Is bravery a contest? Is there only one definition of bravery? Are only soldiers and police officers brave? Are only people who are facing a devastating illness brave? Are only the women defined above brave? They are all examples of bravery, aren't they? Are there degrees, does one cancel the other out?

Isn't someone who is transgender brave when they reveal who they are within to all of us, after a lifetime of questioning and painful hiding? I think they are.

Maybe the real question is, are the rest of us so unsure of who WE are that we feel threatened by someone we can't understand? When we're faced with something that we can't relate to, we have such a tendency to just unravel. That makes us feel unsafe, or for some even resentful. And fear makes us go on the attack, because doing the work of examining why we feel so freaked out is much harder.

So, food for thought. Womanhood. Bravery. Getting a grip on our reactive tendencies. My mind is still racing with all sorts of thoughts, I'm sure it will be for some time. I like that, it's how we learn.

Herb School

This was the first year I have ever tried growing herbs. I started with lavender, rosemary, thyme, peppermint and lemon balm. 

It's been interesting. The lavender was the strongest at first, and beautiful! Now it's almost gone, I can't seem to figure out what it needs. 

The rosemary is beautiful, fragrant and strong.  It has been doing quite well all along. 

The thyme, peppermint and lemon balm looked like they were dying until I moved them from containers into the ground. Now they look wonderful!

I've been warned that the peppermint will spread and take over more space, which is fine with me.

I wanted this process to go a certain way. At first I wanted them all in our old garden area where we used to grow tomatoes. When that wasn't possible I did containers. Then, some of the plants hated the containers so I moved them up front in the yard, directly in the soil.

I'm learning to adapt my expectations and move WITH the natural growth patterns of these herbs, instead of trying to mold them to what I wanted.

The results are wonderful. The lavender may not make it, but was so beautiful while it was here. The rosemary is fresh, fragrant, bold and strong and loving her huge container.

The others are doing well right in the soil. Peppermint already looks ready to rule the yard!

I think our lives are like this, too. These herbs have taught me about waiting on and learning natures rhythms, when to water, how much sun, the way some things last and others don't, and allowing and celebrating what a living thing is, without forcing things. 

All of those lessons apply very much to our everyday lives. I'm finding things in my life "grow" very nicely when I'm in tune with the natural rhythm of things. Some situations call for a change of tactic midstream. Some things don't last, but are a blessing while they are here. Not everything goes as I may plan, but if I let go of that white knuckled grip and watch the signs it usually turns out wonderfully.

I knew going in that this was going to be about more than putting in a few plants and forgetting about it. The entire world really is our school. I'm truly enjoying this experience. I've got so much more to learn, I'm looking forward to it.

On Monday

On Monday 

There's that mental transition 

From relaxation 

To work mode 

On Monday

There's coffee 

Lunch making 

And office clothes

On Monday 

The cat gives you that look 

The "You're leaving again" face 

And meows his displeasure 

On Monday

Your cellphone goes on silent 

You apply make up 

And plan tacos for tonight 

On Monday 

You pray in the shower 

And you're a little bit frustrated 

And a little bit resigned

On Monday 

You cry in the car

Angels talk to you while you drive 

And the pink flowers on the roadside make you smile 

On Monday

You realize 

This is being human 

And this is being a woman

And this is being you 

On Monday

You embrace the day

You just breathe

And you flow with all of it 

And the mojo isn't dead 

On Monday 

And That's Okay

Some days

You just need a hiding place 

You wonder 

Where might that be 

A place safe

Securely wrapped in love

Some days 

You can't seem to redirect it 

Lift it 

Or affirmation it away 

No

Some days 

Your spirit runs sad 

And you just sit 

Allowing that to be 

No apologies 

No need to excuse it 

No guilt 

Some days 

You just need

That safe place 

And you're not certain 

Where that is 

So you're sad 

And that's okay

Lines, Corners and Soft Places

It seems sometimes

That we have built for ourselves

A society that is all about straight lines 

Hard surfaces, edges and corners 

All is linear 

And everything has an expiration date 

Even people 

We act without weighing the consequences

Then we panic, and run crying 

When our Mother 

Does simply what is natural 

She cannot do otherwise 

She will continue 

Some haven't forgotten, though

The joy found in softness 

When falling rain renews your spirit 

The graceful soft bend of blades of grass

And how they feel between your toes 

The flutter of eyelashes

A loved one's hand 

The grace found in being deliberate

Even....slow!!!

The wisdom of experience

Leaving space, and not filling it 

Loving your body 

Accepting and treasuring it 

The transformation that comes

When your heart breaks 

And you allow that 

When you allow love to simply be 

To change shape 

From what you wanted it to be 

To what is 

And you are forever altered

Really seeing people

Falling for what they are 

Knowing the sacred everywhere

Going deep within 

Even to the dark places 

Finding no demons there 

Simply yourself...and The Beloved

Wrapped in endless love 

Never alone 

Yes

There is softness

There are curves 

And sweet scented valleys

Places where thoughts 

Are instant creation

And you are never homesick 

Because you are seen and loved 

For everything that you are 

That place 

The soft place 

It's here now

Spinning Down

Spinning down

Jammed frequencies

Overheated, noisy pain

Silently the spirit calls 

Oh dearest one 

The touch of your lips

On my brow 

Such cooling balm 

Where art thou my beloved 

Spinning, spinning 

Past where most are willing 

Deeper still 

The grasp of the world 

So far behind 

Sweet sacred temple 

Profound intimacy 

Nothing hidden

Healing 

The known, alive

This is the home I remember

Dance the rhythm 

Of Spirit's flame 

Oh yes

Now I am home 

Immersed in love 

Freedom

There's a certain freedom in having fallen on your face spectacularly. I'm serious. Once you've done that a few times, you realize nothing is really that bad, "failure" included.

There are no right or wrong decisions. There are just decisions. You make them and you move. You do the best you can with what you know at the time. Sometimes it's the sweetest victory. Other times, "epic fail", haha! 

Many of those times, scraping your face off the pavement, looking back -  they're a huge part of the strength and wisdom you have today. 

Yep. It's true. Having a few really amazing  "failures" adds some pretty cool stuff to your tool belt. You get things like strength, perspective, self knowledge, and a great sense of humor. You don't sweat the small stuff, and you realize how much of it truly is small stuff.  You become less risk averse because you know that no matter what you'll survive, learn and thrive. So you're more willing to put yourself out there.

You come to understand that what the world calls failure is just part of life, a way for you to see what happens when you dig deep. It's not failure, it's triumph. 

This is really a fantastic stage of life to be in. 

Freedom. It feels good. 

Showing Your Hand

Some things 

You keep to yourself 

For potency's sake

While you do 

That thing you do 

Conceived within

Fed by all of the elements 

Quietly, beautifully, relentlessly

Taking form 

Knowing all will be revealed

In the perfect time 

Other times

It's all on the table 

Soaking up the sunshine 

And the clear air  

Of complete transparency 

Visible movement, growth and change 

That needs to breathe free

In order to thrive

Here we have two viable paths to create. 

The tough part is figuring out which one to use and when.

The Revolution

Run? Hide? Embrace fear?

Not likely.

Regrets?

None. 

I put myself out there.

I did the very best I could in each moment, with the knowledge and resources available at the time.

Where I've caused others pain, if allowed, I've apologized and made it right. That's important.

Every victory, and every searingly painful moment is a part of me, a lesson. 

I'm stronger for them all.

I've reached for what is beautiful and precious. Sometimes it's there for you, and other times it isn't, and you fall on your face. Hard.

I wouldn't go back and change even one moment, because it's all a part of who I am now.

I've learned that many of the roadblocks we encounter are self created. I'll go so far as to say especially the ones we think are placed there by others.

When you allow love to change shape, it changes the shape of YOU.

You'll always be missing a part of you if you never face, learn and embrace your darkness. Your light is weak without that balance.

There is unexpected, profound power in complete surrender, and it doesn't mean at all what you think. There is no weakness here, none whatsoever.

There's so much more than what our five senses tell us, and even then we often miss things that are right in front of us. Information, wisdom, knowledge, healing, and more arrive daily in so many ways. The Universe is always blessing us, in each moment.

Clear focused intent and will in partnership with The Universe....yes you really can do anything. 

There is the most perfect pattern and rhythm to everything, as it unfolds for us. 

The Universe is madly, passionately in love with each of us. 

So, I will walk, and work, and laugh and love. I'll put myself out there again and again, I'll take risks, I'll be honest and silly and vulnerable. I'll lend a hand, and I'll be with you when it hurts. Sometimes I'll be tired and will need to be wrapped in the arms of love. I'll work my will, stay strong, release and surrender, and rock this life. 

Sadness. Grief. Fear. Anger. Disappointment. They happen. I'll face them, and accept them. Then I'll lift them, allow them to be changed, and me along with them. 

Let's do this. Let's rock this life. Let's change the world by changing ourselves. The revolution will begin quietly my loves, within our hearts.

 

If, Then (Love Lessons)

If you don't believe you deserve it

Then you can neither give it

Nor receive it 

And all you experience 

Will be that mirror for you

Until you know 

Believe 

You are worthy 

That yes, indeed 

You are that precious 

And you could be that loved 

When the power

And the tenderness 

Of that truth 

Pierce your heart 

You know 

Regardless of anything else

That giving the ultimate love

Is the only way 

To receive it 

Give it to all 

Without exception 

Surrender to it 

And let it flow back to you 

It always does

This is love's way

Is

Connected to all
Forever in solitude
Even in good company
Yet never alone
Lover to all
And to none
Sight of the white raven
One with the forest
Flowing as the river
Burning as fire
Riding the night air
Rooted, growing, blooming, as the earth tree
Child of wing and flesh
Mystery makes love with transparency
Secrets revealed on the wind
The sacred is everywhere

The Old Stone Church

I'm sitting in West Boylston, Massachusetts at the Old Stone Church. It had to be abandoned as a worship site when the reservior was created. The building is constructed completely of stone, and so here it sits. This is a gorgeous spot, and I come here several times a year. The water, the trees, the sky, the breathtaking views, and all of the birds and other animals make it a favorite for many people.

We have a funny tendency to do this - to create beautiful public spaces in areas where we have taken something away for what is considered to be the good of all. Regardless of the inherent good in the vision and creation of such places as this reservoir, or for example it's larger sibling Quabbin Reservoir further to our west, the taste of that conflict is in the very air and energy here. It seeps into me in all such places, and to an extent they always have the feeling of a gift given in exchange for what the giver hopes is absolution of some kind. It has nothing at all to do with any opinion I may have about the construction of such places. It is my experience of the energy signature that exists here, one which I've observed in other places with a similar history.

People came here to worship in community, to raise their voices to heaven on Sunday mornings. If I quiet myself, I can hear them, I can pick up on the energy of their greetings to one another after services. Today, the place belongs to the pigeons and all of the other wild creatures, and those of us who pass through from time to time. The pigeons have a song of their own, their cooing blending into a hymn that I think is no less beautiful than the human voices. The small birds fly from tree to tree outside of the church, and add their notes to the symphony here. An occasional car passes by, and other vistitors walk through, enjoying a Saturday morning that expects nothing other than their presence. Saturday has always been the best lover, with a sweet undemanding caress that says, "I know what makes you smile. Stay here with me just a little while."

I've seen probably 8 people this morning in the 90 minutes or so that I've enjoyed sitting here quietly with my coffee and journal. Most simply smile, some have
said "Good Morning." I get a sense of them, each as they pass by. They stay safely in the range of politeness, and so the smile or simple greeting is enough. As they go on their way, I wonder what life stories go along with the snippets of emotion and flashes of knowledge that they've inadvertently shared with me. I send them
blessings as they continue on their way.

Their echoes are here after they've gone, just like the echoes of the Sunday People I can still sense here. They blend with me, the geese, the pigeons and the water, and those who will come later, when this place no longer stands. The voices of all the living creatures are one. Past, present, and future? This morning, they are all one to me. So, in a way, I'll always be sitting here with my journal and coffee. The pigeons are cooing. The injured goose I met and sent Reiki to honks to his counterparts, swimming without him in the reservoir. I consider asking Michael to protect him, and then within, it comes to me "Shall I protect him from being a goose?" and I see the truth of it. I find myself smiling at the patient and loving energy that accompanies this question.

Looking at my feathered friend as I pack my things to go, I have a very strong sense of continuity, of flow, and the phrase from the rede comes to me again, "in perfect love and perfect trust." Within, I hear the words "All is well."

Indeed.

ADHD, Brain Envy and Awakening Goddess Wisdom

Sometimes, I have brain envy. My best friend is amazing, driven, organized, and brilliant. She manages a complex government program. I watch what she can accomplish and I can’t help it. I have brain envy. Some days, I just want hers. Mine keeps dropping things and it’s frustrating. I end up feeling like I want to upgrade, the way you do at the end of the lease on your car, you know?

I work very hard, sometimes for mediocre results.  I watch what other people do, and I try to avoid it, but I get jealous. Then I get angry at myself for being jealous. Jealousy is ugly, and I don’t like giving in to it.

It isn’t about feeling sorry for myself. I keep giving 100% even if that looks exactly like everyone else’s 65% in some situations. I accept what I can’t change and I work to change what I can. I accept being wired differently. I take the workarounds and processes that have worked for me over the years and I improve them. I try new ones. I always believe that today I can do even better. I seek and take advice. I fight to stay organized. I come in early. I make lists. I use calendar pop ups. I work as much on an item as possible until I have to stop because I know that when I put it down to go do something else, I will completely forget it. When I do have to put it down, I add it to my trusty list. I fix all the things I mess up. I do that a lot. I politely push back when I need more time to finish something. I'm much more patient with myself. When too much is going on at once, and brain fog ensues, I know to take a quick break, use breathing exercises and get calm. I know great things happen when I honor the way I need to do things instead of following the way everyone else does it.

Inattentive ADHD exacerbated by the changes that happen to goddesses my age - conversations with my doc have led us to decide that this is what’s going on. I know now that ADHD has always been with me and this knowledge certainly explains a lot of things that have happened in my life. I’m trying to balance being educated about both the ADHD and everything else going on with my body while not letting it define me or become an excuse. I want to be healthy but just as with Arthritis, it doesn’t become a decision maker or become all I’m about. There’s a middle ground somewhere between denying what’s happening and wearing it like a badge. I hope I’m walking that in a way that helps me be healthy and maybe generates conversation with others who could use somebody to talk to about these things. We have to help each other. I know others sharings have helped me so much!  And everyone’s journey is different. It’s important that we respect that and each other. There’s no “you should” or “you shouldn’t. “ That language tears people down.

I keep searching for my little spot in the world where I will shine, where my wiring is a match!! It’s no secret that I tend toward the non structured, non linear, less scheduled, more self directed, creative way of moving through life. I am learning to integrate that more and more every day. I’ve been a free spirit in a box for a really long time, so it’s a daily journey, and an enjoyable one, as I remake my way and find my path. I know that I have a lot of skills and abilities, and I actually like who I am. I haven’t always been able to say that. I know it’s better every single day. I don’t give up. I keep redirecting the negative thoughts. I pray, keep the faith, believe, embrace magic, listen to my intuition, work with the Universe, and take steps every single day to make things happen.

I embrace who I am. I revel in it, in fact. And in truth, comparing ourselves to others is the worst form of self criticism. So I'll be happy for my brilliant friend while being glad about who I am!  I’m incredibly grateful for the endless gifts of people and blessings in my life. I’m enjoying this journey thoroughly. Even the days when I might have just a little bit of brain envy and need to stop, accept my frustration and redirect it. 

Why do I share? Because sharing helps us all. I hope others will feel free to do the same, so we can help each other. 

Losing Your Grip

We hang on tight 

To people 

Situations 

Expectations And shoulds 

Because all the fear 

Uncertainty and discomfort 

Seems to be pushed away 

When we do 

Admitting fear 

Facing it

Letting go 

No more white knuckles

Being and doing 

Simply by choice 

Losing your grip

As it turns out 

It's a game changer