Spilling Over

A heart, hardened
Creates weakness
Closed the windows
Slamming doors
Voluntary blindness
Sat in the judges seat over others
Found myself lacking
Spewing angry words
Finding that despite the sorrow
They can never be taken back
Sought protection and solace
In being hard and unfeeling
And, yet
Strength, yes
Even power
Found in being
Soft

Yes
In feeling
Everything
Openness, receptivity
Strength in what many would call "weakness"
Many things in life can take you out
Love among them, if you let it
But it doesn't have to
And denial does you no good
Eats you alive
Until there's nothing left
When you let yourself be
And face
Every Goddamned Thing
And everything that means
Including forgiveness
For yourself
And every last one of them
Accept
Even REJOICE
In who you are
No hiding
Then you're free
To love others
Exactly where they are

Free to live your life
Without fighting
No excuses
Grabbing each day
And french kissing it
Until your toes curl  

Letting life enter you 
Seeing what's good
And knowing that's for you
And then you're spilling over
So you pour it on everyone else
Because you've got it to spare!
Feels
AMAZING
But none of that can happen
Until YOU
Accept and like YOU
No one else can make you alright, you know
You do that.
It's inside you. Everything you need.
Connect.
You are worth it
Beautiful, precious
You 

Heart

In the deepest places
Within the heart
Depth beyond experience
There is a love
More profound
Than anything you thought
Was possible

Love
Beyond expectation
Devoid of need
Unwilling to judge
Fulfilled in the simple joy
Of flowing freely

Complete acceptance
Of the self
And others

Breadth and scope
Beyond comprehension
Yet inside of me
Born of connection
With All That Is
Seeing, knowing
Loving and cherishing
Each life
No matter what

Beautiful, precious
Every life
Without exception
As you are
Right now

A love of such soaring joy
Unfathomable depth
Intensity that would easily end me
But for the Help I receive

In hitting bottom
Releasing
Every
Last
Thing
Finding within
That which was never found
Without

A Beginning

Saturday morning
Cold day outside
The air smells like snow
Greeting friends online
The cat stops by
Hey! I'm here!
And I give him some attention
Family is all off
Doing their Saturday things
I'm sipping hot coffee
Munching on breakfast
And yet
There's so much more
Tomorrow
I'll walk alone through the woods
Enjoying the snowy silence
Of my holy places
Never alone
Always
Connected
All over this world
People
Some of them are OK
And some of them
They're not OK, you know
So many are cold
Hungry
Unloved
Hurt
And our Mother
We use what we need
Scarring our world
Creating a selfish today
And borrowing from tomorrow
That which we do not have
And should not want
While Mother cries
And we are fat and comfortable
Ignoring our brothers and sisters
At the cost our our own humanity
Loss of the soul
The spirit dries up
Blackened and dead
Only the shiny things
Will bring comfort
Bring me more!
Grasping for the empty things
When such treasure is all around us
There is such joy
Wisdom
If we watch
The other creatures
We share our home with
Truly we are connected with them
They have much to teach us
But we exploit them, too
Like everything else
And it seems too big
It's so much
How can we ever change it
I know some
Who tell me
Every day
In conversation
And on line
That there's nothing you can do
And to you
I say
NO
NO
NO
No. I will not believe
That I am empty
That WE are empty
Beyond hope
So lost in our pretty toys
And our comforts
That we cannot change this
We CAN change it
Do you understand
Can you see
Please, please
Take a moment
To become quiet
And KNOW
YOU
You are a part of All That Is
People
All people
Why do we judge each other?
And fear each other?
All of the living creatures
Plants
The wild places
Spend some time
With a child
In any wild place
And see it through their eyes
And be renewed
And so
Tomorrow
While I am in the woods
In the silent, snowy cathedral
Only my own footsteps making a sound
I will know this
All of this
And more
And it will seem like it can't be changed
But it is in those moments
That I know
If I change ME
It is a beginning

Cosmos In A Cubicle

Bangin' out spreadsheets and emails
Checkin' out a friend's podcast
Mind wanders
Higher
Fingers on automatic
Ticky-ticky-typie
I'm somewhere else
I can hear my friend's voice
Like background music
Is this the past
Maybe I'm in the future
I guess it's RIGHT NOW
Wow
All three are true
And I get it
No, I mean I get
IT
Everything
I can see all of it
Laughing
Crying
The worst times
And the highs
And I'm not pulled in
I'm sort of just
Watching me
My life, I mean
Like a movie
Still, with the voices
And office noises
Talking and laughing
In the background
There aren't any cliches
Explanations
Justifications
So weird
How breakthroughs happen
At the strangest
Most unexpected moments
Precipitated by
WHAT?
And I'm just ME
And it's all just one
ONE
Time is irrelevant
Just sitting here
Suddenly
With this
CONCEPT
or
UNDERSTANDING
That I'll never describe
Do I have tomorrow?
Who the fuck knows
Do you?
It doesn't matter
I'm right here
Right now
Tomorrow
I might be here
Or a new road
Will open
Energy
Does that
Everything
Just EVERYTHING
Changes
No matter how precious
Especially
If you hang on
So
Here I am
And this moment
Which is yesterday
Today
And tomorrow
All at once
I'm breathing
I think
And whatever happens
I know now
Nothing will take me down
I'll go where the energy takes me
Because it feels good
When I do that
I'm not afraid
Did you hear that?
Because I said that
And I fucking meant it
So bring it
Universe
Bring it
And you'll either break me
Or I'll change the cosmos
Either way

Let's go!

Awed

Tea
A quiet hour
Out the window
Dried leaves
Cold November wind
Imagine
It isn't at all what we thought
But, Oh!
So much more
Connection
Threads
People
Simply, people
People
And your beautiful
Broken
Hopeful hearts
Trying to muddle through
Wanting to make it better
Encountered
One by one
I see you
Inside
Truly
I am in awe of you

So, it's like this.....

To quote Inigo Montoya "Let me explain.....No, there is too much.  Let me sum up."

Me:  Doing my thing

World:  You're crazy

Me:  *tries to act more normal*

World:  You're way too enthusiastic, back off

Me: *tones it way down, tries to be little and quiet*

World: You're too negative

Me: *tries to be more positive*

World: You're not appreciative and thankful enough

Me: *blinks, amazed*

World: Well?

Me: *laughs*  Of course I'm thankful, how could I not be? Look, I love you guys but I've gotta do this my way.  We all do.  Have a great day!

Me:  *walks off, singing*

Steps

Apart
Waiting
Empty
Noticed
Touched
Created!
Beauty
Energy
Life
Love
Betrayal
Loss
Rejection
Uncreated
Invisible
Lifeless
Waiting
Again
Why
Question
Awaken!
Examine
Learn
Sift
Embrace
Energy
Life
Love
Within
Finally
Self
Joy
Dance
Revel
Play
Share
Help
I
Create

On Being Blue, A Faerie Story

Once, there was a faerie.
She had eyes of hazel
And her garment was cobalt blue
The light around her
Because all faeries have such
Was also blue
And so, Blue is what she was called
And she lived with the other faeries
In a strongly bonded troop
That sought to help each other
And all things

One day Blue was looking around
For she was endlessly curious
Filled with wonder
At all there was to see and do

But Blue also became distracted easily
And was confused by many things
Quite often Blue thought....
What if I am supposed to be Green
or perhaps Orange or Red
Are these things more true
Than being blue?

And so, it came to be
That Blue spent all of her time
Searching for the answer
To whether being blue
Was all that there was

Blue saw many things in her search
Some were beautiful and amazing
Other things were cold and dark
And Blue, she would always reach out
And want to know all there was to know
About each thing she found
And this was both good
And not so very good
All at once

Blue came to feel contempt
For her cobalt blue garment
And she tore it
In several places
And the shining blue light around her
And she thought to herself
Being blue must be
The worst thing ever to be
I must find a way to change
The very color of me!

Blue met many souls
As she searched
Places light and dark
Some helped her on her way
Others treated her with contempt
Some seemed so filled with beauty and light
And she wanted to stay so very close
To those beings
So breathtaking they were!

But Blue discovered that
Even the beautiful and friendly ones
Eventually grew tired of her
Or confused by her
Always with the questions, needing more
Seeking ways for their light
To rub off on her
So she could be right, be whole
In her endless seeking
Blue had become tiresome
To others
And to herself

And so, Blue found herself
Alone

Blue was so bereft
So empty and lonely!
She cried faerie tears
That seemed endless
She felt as if
The beautiful sunshine
Had been taken from her
Forever
I am nothing
I belong nowhere
I have no value
I cannot make it right
Blue pulled off her faerie wings
And her blue light dimmed
Until it was barely visible
And the dark thoughts
Took her wings
And burned them until they were gone

And so Blue sat
By herself
Blind to all that was around her
And she thought
I know what I shall do
I will go to The Away
The place of nothing
It will be so much better
There than here

And with her decision made
She fell into an exhausted sleep

While Blue was asleep
She dreamed of the troop
In this dream
The troop performed
The tasks of every day

And as she dreamed
One by one
The other faeries
Looked upon Blue
And said to her
What are you doing there
All by yourself
Come and be with us
Move among the growing things by day
Hear the wisdom on the wind
Dance under a blanket of stars by night
You do not feel like yourself today
But you will in time

When Blue woke up
She knew
It was wrong
Perhaps even selfish
To go to the Away
The other faeries loved her
And she loved them
Blue knew she was not whole
Not right now
Oh so far from it
But she knew
The Away was not the answer
And so, she turned
And set her path in the direction
Of the troop
Hoping to find solace
And healing
In the place
That had once been home

When Blue returned to the troop
The other faeries greeted her warmly
And it felt so very good
One suggested to her a task
To go and commune with the Mother
And spend time with the growing things

And so day by day
Blue spent time with the growing things
And in plants, the wind
And the creatures of the forest
The Mother whispered things to Blue
And these things
Felt like salve to Blue's raw wounds

And Blue began again
To help with the daily tasks
Side by side with the other faeries
And for the first time in so very long
She found enjoyment in doing so
Blue could see the joy, the divine
In the sweet, simple rhythms
Being only in the moment you are in
Being present to the task
And she found the tasks
Much to her surprise
Gave her much peace
So long had it been since Blue had felt so!

Sometimes, one of the other beings
She had met during her journeys
Would visit her
Or she would encounter them
During her day
And much to her surprise and delight
They did NOT hate Blue
Indeed, they were happy to see her
And spoke sweet words to her
Of how good it was
To see Blue at peace
And Blue realized
That she had simply confused her friends
With her behavior
She was embarrassed
But very happy, nonetheless
To have their companionship
Once again

One bright early morning
Blue stood on a rock
Overlooking a calm lake
The trees, the sky and the clouds
Were reflected in the blue water
And it was breathtaking to see
She could smell
The sweet scents of the growing things
The dragonfly and the butterfly
Both stopped by with greetings
As was common

In her mind, Blue heard
"Look at your reflection in the water"
It was The Mother, Blue knew
And so she looked down
Upon the surface of the water
And gasped in surprise
At what she saw
Blue's cobalt blue garment
Was whole, no longer torn
The blue light around her
Was brighter than ever
And
OH!
Her wings!
Her wings were back
Blue laughed and shouted out
Such was her joy
And she said aloud
"Oh thank you Mother"
"Thank you to all that is"
And in her head
The voice said
You have manifested
Your own wings, little one
Now you know. You are Blue.
Being Blue is what and who you are
This is right and good
You have returned to yourself

In the time after this
Blue was quite happy
She and the troop had fun
They enjoyed the daily tasks
Performed together
With joy
Sometimes they changed the tasks
If it was their desire
Once or twice
The troop even moved to a new place
Faeries came and went
As is their way
Although the connection
Was never broken
And sometimes the ones
Who had travelled afar
Would return to visit

And Blue and the troop
Had adventures
Trying new things
And venturing to visit
Places they had not been
Blue always spent time
With the growing things
Listening to The Mother

In time, Blue realized
The only thing
That had ever held her back
The only thing that stopped her
The entire reason behind her sorrow
Had been her hatred
Of being Blue

And in coming to accept
And even LOVE
Being Blue
She found peace and happiness
She found strength
To make it through
The hard times
That sometimes came to her
And the troop
And she had
So much love
For the troop
And all the other beings

And it was good
After all
Being Blue

Written by Elizabeth A. Carrignant
This writing is the property of the above writer
November 6, 2013

What Frequency Are You On?

I was listening to Tom Petty the other day, nothing unusual there, certainly. It's also not at all unusual for me to listen to a song and entirely leave the plane of reality and go on a little trip for a few moments, just letting the music carry me along.

The song "Supernatural Radio" was in the mix of songs on my iPod.

"I can hear you singing
On my supernatural radio.
I hear you singing
On my supernatural radio".

I started to think about radio frequencies, and the parallel Petty and the boys are drawing here, radio frequencies being compared to human frequencies. We all connect on so many different levels don't we?


We all meet thousands of people over the course of a lifetime, and we connect with them on many different levels. I've always found it interesting the way we can meet someone and have an instant connection with them, but not with others.

I love thinking about this kind of thing. Sometimes my highly empathic nature means I get overwhelmed during interactions with other people, but I've stopped running from it. I understand now that it's part of who I am, and I'm getting better at understanding what is "my stuff" and maybe what I am picking up on from other people. It's a work in progress.

It's a beautiful thing to think about, just basic human connections. Whether it's our connections with family, friends, co-workers, people we know from town, Twitter friends, or the person who sold us our coffee this morning...we each woke up this morning and this day - it's ours - we can do anything we want with it.

And it seems to me that more often than not lately, I'm finding lots of reasons and many times that I am on the same frequency as another person.

We all have bad days but honestly, I'd rather at least attempt to have positive interactions with people. I don't always succeed but I make the effort. Maybe our friendly or happy interaction with someone could make their day, who knows? Could be the person you meet tomorrow will end up being someone amazingly important in your life.

Someone you chat with could mention a book or song that starts off an entire new chapter of your life because it gives you an idea. You don't know what a difference you make just by walking through your day and connecting with others.

I just know.....all of sudden I'm just very aware of it....and it's fun.

"One-hundred million watts 
Yeah I'm picking up a signal 
Yeah it's a hundred million watts--raw power" 

Alternate Reality

I wonder if it happens
To other people
Driving down the highway
Grey clouds
Windy morning
Leaves, riding the current
Music
Hope On Board
I look up
See the tree branches
Silhouetted against the stormy sky
And for a moment
Realization dawns
Who am I? 
Disconnected
Floating
Just like those leaves
It feels as if the entire universe
Is just the car
The sky, trees and wind
And me
I don't belong anywhere
I'm not going anywhere
Utterly separate
I don't grasp for it
To find my life again
The car keeps moving
Strange cocoon
Tiny little universe 
Sensation in the middle of my chest
Where my spirit sits
Sweet, wounded joyful, powerful light 
An urge to rise and float away
What am I?
And then
Someone passes me in the other lane
The song on the CD changes
And the moment is over
Returned to the world
Driving to work
Asking myself
Which universe is the real one?

The Eyes Have It

Sitting cross legged
Cool earth beneath you
Nursing your wounds
They've begun to heal
Even the very deepest, known to so few
They've watched you bleed
Fragments of your story
Float in their minds
Pieces of a life
Blown by the wind
You knew no other way
Simply to be
Without cover
Now eyes, seeking yours
Wordless questions
Spoken soul to soul
Reasons fall away
Justifications meaningless
Past, this moment, tomorrow
One
Not one thought, no pillar
Empty of even a single structure, or thread
Carried from the beginning
Many would say
Everything is the same
But no
Oh, no
Light and dark
Dwelling together
Paths forged
Keys
Revelation
Connection
In this infinite lack of separateness
Altered within and without
And so
The entire world
And all within it
Are also changed
You meet their eyes
They're still wondering
What will you do now
Loving them
You stand up
Smiling
And step into the brightly colored street

Tree Of Life (One Dance)

Sacred night
Trust the Mother
Stars, twinkle
Scents on the breeze
The wind, whispers to you
And you follow her
Leaving your shoes behind
Laughing, running wild
The tree
It is so beautiful
Branches reaching high
Into the night sky
Leaves, glowing
Shimmering like the stars
You join the others
Around the tree
Each aglow
Alight, energized
Circle around the tree
Bodies swaying
Chanting
Arms raised
Knowing
There is freedom here
Power
Faith
Healing
A current
Highly charged
It flows
All are joined
Dancing with the others
Never have you felt so light
Your bare feet meeting the grass
Cool, sweet delight
As you land after leaving the ground
Breathe deeply
Sweet honeyed nectar
Life's true rhythm
Hearts, like drumbeats
Matched to the Mother
You are young
You are old
You are birthed upon this place
And you die
Yet
Always
Have you existed
Soul's flight
Spirit's soaring, diving
Swimming through the current
As the movement slows
All are one
And in the silence
There are no sounds
Save those of the wild things
You all stand
Encircling the tree
Breathing
Existing
Knowing
Swaying
This Oneness
Is

Light

October 23, 2013. I wrote the following poem after reflecting on all the ups and downs we all deal with everyday, and how inspiring some people are, just by being who they are. I hope you enjoy it.


There are things we do
To keep body and soul together
Seemingly unavoidable necessities
Robbing us of time and energy

Our world
Some things seem so senseless
The eyes see, the heart hurts
Frustration and anger
At injustice, abuse and willful blindness

Then, there are the things we do
That make our hearts beat faster
Bring the smile to our eyes and not just our lips
And keep that light on inside of us

In the end
We are so much more
Than the sum of those necessaries
Each soul uniquely beautiful
With a specific gift
Only that one can share

In our day to day actions
The way we walk through our days
We can bring light, or stay closed off
We can help, or we can turn our eyes away
We can keep trying, or we can give up

The journey is so much better
When we surround ourselves
With those who inspire
Our days, our moments
Spent both on our passion
And on our survival
Sifted through the truth of each life
We must never forget
That what we do
How we walk
What we share
It DOES matter

The Day The Leaves Wouldn't Change

Beautiful autumn leaves
Crisp air
Birds, the hardy ones that winter here
Singing and flying from tree to tree
Natures cathedral
The scent of all things living
Breathe it in
Connection
Leaves, some on the trees
Some crunchy, underfoot

What if the leaves
Had refused to turn color
Insisting on staying green

The green time was good!
Energetic, warm and beautiful!
Why would we change?

But in this shift of energy
The most beautiful colors are revealed
Unparalleled anywhere else
A new way to be
A time to harvest
Enjoy the abundance
That was planted and has grown
Becoming something inspiring
New joy and new creation
Each day unfolding
In the sun

Yes
In time, the leaves will fall
They will become part of the fertile soil
And be reborn again
In all things
The energy, the mark
Of what they have been
What they ARE
Still a vital warm part
Of all that is

Creation
Connection
Continuation

Being

The Kiss (for dh)

If there were eye contact
There would be a kiss
It would carry everything
Past, present and future
A most intimate exchange
Pain shared, burning intensity
Tears, hands and arms
To hold fast
A lifetime lived
In just a kiss, an embrace
Joined for all time
To know and love thus
The greatest gift of all
Metered out, day by day
Honored in the heart
Carried through all actions
The reason to continue
A star lights above
Smiling down
Hold the thread
Beautiful lovers
Never despair
For so few
Are blessed as you

Nature's Music

No need for headphones here
I close my eyes
Just listen
Bird calls
Crickets
Frogs
A turtle kerplunks into the water
Leaves falling from the trees
Hitting other plants as they land
Dozens of sounds
Someone's breath, in and out
Oh, that's me
A part of this place
For just a moment

Another Little Golden Key

Two beautiful souls
Survived two very different hells
Failed by their parents
Uncaring communities
Judged, rejected
Found each other
It will be us against the world
Nobody will hurt our babies
The way we were hurt
And Oh!
We were loved, so loved!
And protected
Within our little cocoon
It was the sweetest, safest, happiest place
We were three
Fighting to survive
And then we were four
Oh, beautiful boy
You can still make me smile
Just by walking into the room
And so we four kept fighting
Belonging absolutely nowhere
Except to each other
Socially inept, separate
The world didn't like us
People are scary, they don't care
That was the feeling inside
Just keep your distance
And never show anyone what's inside
Except those rarest few
That's how it is
The four had new challenges to face
And so the little girl decided
" I am fine "
And everyone believed it
But inside
Fraud, faker!
"I don't belong"
Puzzle piece that doesn't fit
Anywhere
Seeking, needing.....
Choir and Chorus
Church
Friends
Work
Food
Fads
Online
Never whole
No answers
Floating
Endless stops and starts
Always too afraid to finish
Failure
Driving people away
"Tell me I'm OK!"
Until finally
Realization
Seeing it for the first time
No more excuses
It's just how life unfolds
And how we react
People do the best they can
In each moment
Muscle memory
Now you've told YOUR story
And in the telling
Another tiny golden key
A key to freedom
Letting go
A key to moving forward
Under your own power
No blaming
Owning it
And carrying yourself
No longer a burden
You can look UP
Look OUT
Look at OTHERS
How beautiful the world is
Self acceptance
Without self obsession
Finally
The confusion and chaos
Done
Cosmic charm bracelet
With little golden keys
Jangles as you walk
And you smile
Because freedom feels so good

HELLO WORLD
Let's enjoy this day
Together

The Same Beautiful Day

Places that are a part
Of our fabric
Suspension of time
Am I 8
Or 48
Little girl
Candy apple
Daddy's hand
Sunny day, fall breeze
People laughing
Woman
Bag of crisp, red apples
Husband by my side
People laughing
Sunny day, fall breeze
I am 8
Or maybe 48
It's all the same beautiful day

Ordinary

People
As they are
Ordinary
Breathing
Alive

A Comfortable Place

A place of warmth
Innocence
Acceptance
Sweet camaraderie
Devoid of expectation
Happy to simply be
No baggage
Companionship
Relax
Do nothing
Simple conversation
Or comfortable silence
This is where life is lived

Unforgivable

A shift
Risk taken
Everything on the line
Never before

And then

You weren't there
You didn't see
You didn't catch them

And so they fell
Far
And landed
So hard

There was no intent to harm
You didn't know

That doesn't change anything

Simply
Unforgivable

Long Way Back To Hope

Some things
Seemingly
Cannot be fixed
No matter how much
We hope
Regardless of the penance
And so
We keep the pain and regret
The lessons learned
And yes
The good and the beautiful
Altered
Seeking needed rest
Each morning
Awakening
New day,  ours
Days that test our patience
Days of happiness
Events that energize
And some that wound
The unexplainable random ones, too
But we can choose how we walk
Our actions and reactions
They belong to us
Seeking joy and solace
Sweet comfort
In the simple
And hope
In the small things
Hot steaming coffee
Reading a great book
Time in nature
Unexpectedly finding sweet music at a discount
Your friend's greeting
The stranger holding the door for you
And in these tiny everyday moments
While you breathe in and out
You discover
Ever so slowly
That maybe you are alive
After all

Closed

I'm leaving this up for now.
But I am taking some time off.

Thanks,

Beth

Done

Eighteen months
Before that
A lifetime
Tiny, closed, flawed
Invisible, inadequate
Wierd
Never good enough
Living to please
No self
Changed the channel
Open
Wanting to soar
Dream!
Hope
So Beautiful
This new feeling
But in the end
Messes made
Friends lost
Every encounter
Turned bad
Made ugly
By weakness
Insecurity
Time to own up
I did that
I made a mess
Upset people
Messed with their peace
Broke hearts
Hurt, angered and lost friends
Nothing good from it
Knowing now
That open field isn't for me
Not while I'm still broken
When you're not whole
You fuck everything up
No, not for me
Until I own it
Fix myself
No
Still flawed
Psycho
Fucked up
Nut job
Not to be allowed out
Flawed
Right now
Is for being small again
Crawling back inside
Find the warm darkness
Hide
Be small
Staying safe
And yes
Not making waves

Maybe someday
But not now
No
Not anytime soon

Dark

A stretch of highway
Driven daily 
Now a place of discarded tokens
Representative of hope lost
No journey to be made, no access given
Next to the coffee, a bracelet
Loud music playing
A morning just like all the others
The car window opens
The little object flies out
The car continues on without slowing
Rain falls
And "Believe" sits in the mud
By the side of the road
Forsaken
And this time
Faerie goes dark for good
No climbing back for it
Like all the other times
Unpleasant smile tugging at her lips
Eyes dark, relief in the letting go of that which is futile
Gossamer wings turn to ash
If there were actually a hell
It's honesty would be preferable
To the illusion of a greater good
Perhaps in the end
It is all random
It matters not
The light has gone out

Connection

To feel anything
One from the other
Pain, even anguish
Preferred over invisibility
Picking each other's wounds
Washing in the other's pain
Seemingly ignorant of the truth
Shared joys
Open, unconditional
Heart's balm, soul's hope
Love, support
Gratitude for the day
And what it brings
Picking up the thread
Connection

What It's Like In There

Our very nature
Causes us to call out
Question, examine
Throw off comfort
Seeking truth and knowledge
Restless
A double edged sword
To be sure
A thin line
Sanity or his untamed twin
Moments of pause
Nature's lessons
Simple rhythms
In the everyday
Are the peace
To our restless souls
A balance and a balm
For the wild places
Of our spirits

Sun Kissed

Warm sun
Kissing skin
Turns hair to gold
Heals the body
Simple gift
Free

Breathing

Always, compelled to look
Delighted
All of the beautiful growing things
Letting the colors, the green seep in
Connecting, alive
Here for but a single moment
Permanent impermanence
Erase all
Single moment's inhalation
Release of breath
Excess expelled

Pause

Simplest of days
Sunshine
Blue sky
Green and alive
Breathe life into me
As we share this place
A book, a blanket
Pause

Failure, The Great Teacher

Real love, in it's purest form, seeks the good of the other over our own selfish impulses. It does not make excuses, or justify itself. It respects the integrity, the boundaries of the other. Real love understands the difference between standing with someone, offering unswerving love and support and doing so with an aim to self completion.

In romance, friendship, parenthood, and every other interaction in our lives, we believe we have experienced real love. And perhaps we occasionally catch a glimpse.

But the truth dawns in that moment when you know without a doubt, that you have repeatedly failed to love in this way. That moment of clarity when from within you experience the difference between what you have labeled as love until now, and the pure, real undistilled version.

The truth reveals itself in growth, and in pain, in facing things without shrinking back, and in letting go of all but the barest essence of the self ~ without all of the trappings we hide behind.

Real love. In our interactions with each other, it is possible. Our life's work is to get ever more proficient at sharing it with others.

18 Months, 7 Weeks, One Journey

Closed
Constricted
Cold
Blind
Needing More

Open
Beautiful
Joyful
Chaotic
So many voices and sights!

Empathic
Deep emotional connections
Their essence, floods within
Each so beautiful, so broken and so unique
Drowning in a sea of others

Realization
One who does not know how to love
Without a complete loss of the self
Completely without anchor
Tossed by each new wave
Pulled under by the current

In the end, in one way or another
They all go
Leaving her tiny, cold and bereft
White knuckled grip, seeking a firm hold
Thrashing and fighting the current
Going under, choking

Realization dawns
STOP!
Swim WITH the current
Long way back to shore
But easier now
One with the flow of the sea

Standing on the shore
Dripping wet, shaking
Looking back at it all
Not all good, and not all bad
Now seeking balance

So many to love
Cherish them for whatever time is given
And love each for the gift they are
Seek not to reinvent them
Nor sculpt them as you crave them to be
Simply accept and be grateful
The joy each one is
Life to life

Time in the quiet
Time within
Walking in nature
Hear the music she shares
Know first the self
Naked
Clothed not by should, by want, nor by wish
No longer held back by fear
Simply taking each day
For the joy that it is
Saying YES each morning
Grateful even for the hard lessons
Despite their discomfort
There is freedom in the truth

YES

Stranger

A stranger passes by
Eye contact is made
Hunted, wary
Expecting rejection
Even attack!
Ready to defend
The moment passes, he walks away
Leaving me wondering
Why? How? Who?

I stop
Pause
Eyes closed
The pain of a stranger
Shooting out of eyes
Cutting everyone
Before he can be cut again

I stop
Sending light
Holding the thought
Of this stranger
Close to my heart
As I go about my day

It's "Only" Music?

The world
Empty noise
Jarring, stabbing thoughts
The everyday grind
The way we treat one another
And our beautiful home
Blind consumption
When it closes in
There is always
Music
Telling the truth
Speaking heart's knowledge
Giving words and expression
To what we feel inside
Ringing it out loud
Eyes closed, get lost in it
Mind takes flight
Spirit soars
Sing, scream, dance
Part prayer, part orgasm
And nothing else
Does to us what music does
And isn't that
What keeps us coming back?

Whole

Many wants
But truly
Needs are few
Grasping not
For what comes next
But allowing this moment
To be
Finding joy
In a simple life
Borne of love
Excitement for the new day
What comes naturally
Moving toward what feeds the soul
Accepting good work as part of the journey
Easy appreciation
For small blessings in each day
Whatever the daily walk brings
The peace found
In the integrity of self

A Dance For Two

I watch them
Their daily interactions
A beautiful dance
Abiding
Each, in their own way
Eager to please
Bringing lessons learned
Strengths
And weaknesses
And as the dance of life
Moves them together and apart
Round and round
I watch from a distance
One who sees souls
And I smile
These two are beautiful
Singular and unique
Making the sweetest blend
When they come together
Yes
I watch people
And I am glad to know this pair

Lost and Found

A box
Marked
Lost and Found
Dusty and forgotten
Sits on a shelf

No one else can fix this
You put yourself
On that shelf
And so
You
Are the only one
Who can find you

Your world awaits

Doing and Stopping

Doing nothing feels good
Not the kind of nothing
Where you've left it all undone
And it's still there
Waiting, lurking
Calling you
This is different
It's the gift you give yourself
When you've taken care of it
When you feel good
Because those things
Are a part of your life
And there is joy
Almost a meditative quality
In your actions
And now
This is the kind of nothing
That feels amazing
Because you can sit quietly
And just be
A break, a natural flow
In the doing
And the stopping
That feeds the soul

Whipped Cream

There is a time for hard work
Putting in the effort
In fact
There is no getting around it
And it has it's place
It's good
But sometimes
Life needs
Ice cream
Shared tea and laughter with a friend
A cold beer
Time in the garden
A bike ride by the sea
Whipped cream, on anything
A kiss in the rain
An hour, playing with a child
A game of chess
An afternoon, feet up, watching football
Happy painted summer toes across your loved one's lap

These moments are where life is lived.

Watching

Sitting and writing, I smile
I'm watching him
He's watching her
His facial expressions, his eyes
He follows everything she does
They're in a large group of friends
Animated conversation, laughter
But the others may as well be invisible
He sees only her

Flowing

Water
Flowing
You hear the sound
Shaped by it's surroundings
Yet strong
Life giving
Able to cut through stone
With it's patient, daily path
Relentless movement
All that it touches
Is made better
Leaves beauty in it's wake
We can learn much
From watching the water

Sometimes

Sometimes
You must be completely lost
To be found
You must be without direction
To understand what and where home is
You must be broken
To be made whole
You must be empty
To understand abundance
You must face the questions
Before you find any answers
You must survive chaos
If you ever expect to find
And appreciate

Peace

This is the way of some souls
They cannot take the safe route
There is no why
It simply is.

Silly Poems

Roses are red

Carnations are pink

Men are stupid

So whaddaya think?

Roses are red

They can also be white

Life is a buffet

So take a big bite

Roses are red

And so are my lips

Let’s neither of us speak

No lies and no trips

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Tied up and soul bound

Eyes on what’s true

Roses are red

Thoughts can be clear

Strength in self knowledge

At a price paid quite dear

Roses are red

My coffee is brown

If you take it away

I’ll flatten the town

Roses are red

I love Jack Daniels Black

If I have more than two

The spins will attack

Roses are red

Violets are blue

These poems are stupid

And so, fuck you too

New Day

Choices made
Paths taken
Stumbling, striving
Wanting to fulfill it all
Not knowing who you are
Weighing yourself against others
Against rules and shoulds
Always, you come up short
Nothing works
You give up, no hope
Lost
And in losing yourself,
You are found!
Realization
You are YOU
Unique, singular
Acceptance and love
Embracing all that you are
Confident and happy
Open
Steps and direction sure
No longer caught up in the story
But living in the moment
Eyes open to truth and beauty
The endless gifts of a life
Joy found in the simple

Do It Anyway

Take a look

Uncover it all 

No stone un-turned

Face each truth

Honesty

Not for the faint of heart

Work done in the light

Hard work

Contempt, incoming 

The unflinching look inward

And the resulting action

Causing discomfort

In other lives 

Hiding from themselves  

Do it anyway

 

Little Pussy

Little Pussy
Black and White
Safe in your cocoon
Curled up, happy
Tiny world
Through the pane
You see the moon
Looking out
At all there is
You'd best
Retract those claws
On your cushion
You can't know
All the ways and laws

Real

Do they see all your colors
Or only those that match
Their own vision
Is a person real
If they are only a reflection
Of others thoughts
And if a soul
Finds it's truth
And knows only rejection
If that soul falls
To darkness
Were they ever really here at all?

That's How To Do

View from another perspective
Same songs, new meaning
Colors of the day
Sometimes green
Warmth, energy
But so often red
Passion
And anger, too
Two sides of the same coin
There is no running from either
In the end
Watch it all go by
None of it can rule
Bend, twist, maybe broken
But never done
Isn't the trick just
In finding that sweet spot
Where it's oh, just right
Nobody's been promised tomorrow
Soul's voice says what's right
When it speaks
That's how to do

Sweet Release

I dedicate this poem to all whom I have encountered in any capacity in my life. To any that I have hurt, I am truly sorry. You are all quite beautiful, and I think that I have not been very good at loving you all.  I wish love and peace and only good things to all of you.
_________________________________________________________________________


Seeking the truth of one life
Seeking simplicity, and the real in each day.
Removal of that which is unnecessary.
The peace of a simple life, a truthful walk, and an open heart.

We come to understand
We can each only be what we are
Be about our business each day
Doing the things that need doing
And not spending time and energy on those that don't
Trusting that the good comes in it's own time
And living each moment for what it is
Feeling what it means to be alive for right now

No matter how much we love someone
Regardless of who they are in our lives
We must realize, finally
You can't walk another's walk for them
Can't tell them how to feel, what to do
You can't make everything right for them
You can't pin your happiness to another person
Nor their actions
For in doing so you shackle both of you
There is no sense in trying to interpret
The actions or motivations, the why's of another
Any more than they can do the same of yours
Allow them to simply be, acceptance of the now
Cease the effort to recreate them
Allow love to be what it will be
When our efforts to shape it are at an end
It will take the form and essence that is natural
Sweet and unconditional
Adding unceasing light and warmth to our lives

Lessons learned
Walk forward
Open heart and mind
Sure steps, gratitude for the moment and the day
Love and awe in the souls encountered
But releasing ourselves and them
From any and all expectations
Allowing each to simply BE
And giving the same gift to yourself
And in doing this
Freedom and acceptance
Are for all of us

Trusting in each new day
Living in the moment
Seeking simplicity
Acceptance of the other as they are
No must be's
No shoulds
Traveling light
A simple, firm "no" to that which shackles, harms or complicates

A new day
A life of possibilities
Abundant energy

YES

Be Kind To You

Maybe you don't know
Right now
Exactly where you're going
Free fall is like that
Yes, you're going to have to
Pull that chord eventually
And you'll know the right time
Until then
Enjoy the view, the wind in your face
And the perspective that only
This fuck-all rush brings
Trust yourself
When you do
Everything will come
In good time
Yeah, you didn't know
It would feel like this, did you?
Scary sometimes
You're all over the place
That's okay
Live this moment
And give yourself a break
You're still you
You've got this

Women Are Terrible Creatures

OK, fine.
Women are terrible creatures
There are times we want it all.
When we fall, we fall.
How terrible for a woman to look at a man
See everything about him
Deem it amazing
And want to slide in close
And make happy?
And as for your penis?
Aw, c'mon, we like that little guy
ALMOST as much as you do
He's kinda fun to have around
So, yeah, he can stay
And, yeah it's annoying
This insecurity so many of us have
About our bodies
It's the spirit inside that counts
But baby, when your temple is saggin'
Your spirit be draggin!
It's nice when someone
Makes you feel beautiful
Cures about a million things
So, no we don't sit around
Trying to think of ways
To make men nuts
I guess
Women are just
Terrible creatures

Fear Tactics

You say
None measure up
Not one is good enough
Each situation, every opportunity
Every heart you shun
Your fear and need for control
Making the test
Impassable by all
Always your finger points
Outward
Do you know
If you put aside fear
Hold the rush to judgment
Give the souls around you
A chance
If we build, not tear down
If we encourage, not criticize
Creativity can live and grow
And love has a fighting chance

Anyway

You can be honest
Put yourself out there
You'll crash
And they'll hide
Do it anyway

You can look at everything
See it for what it is
Devoid of illusion
They'll call you crazy
Do it anyway

You can find
The sweetest treasure
Less than once in a lifetime
Knowing it can't be yours
Find Hallelujah anyway

You can throw off safety
Reject that little box
Seek a wider view
You'll scare the hell out of them
Do it anyway

You can make your walk an open one
And never let fear rule
Wrap yourself in the blanket of free fall
Probably no one will be strong enough
To walk at your side
Do it anyway

Be About Your Business

There's actually a good deal of wildlife around here where I am staying.  I've seen rabbits twice...the first was the day I got here, only about three feet away from me.  It was just sitting, munching vegetation and not moving, looking right at me. Yesterday I saw a mother rabbit with one baby rabbit.  I just watched them fascinated. The baby mimicked every move the mother rabbit made.  I stood and watched until they left.

I saw a fox when I was driving out of the complex to go to work the other day, quite healthy looking, he was beautiful.  I've run into chipmunks, turtles, robins, mourning doves, red winged blackbirds, sparrows, cardinals, and starlings.   Oh, and about a zillion dragonflies.

The theme keeps running in my head, all week long....all these little creatures, so whole, so completely perfectly....right in who they are.  Busy about just being. Each day, there is no question, they know what they are about.

I envy them. People talk about free fall.  I will say, now that I am there....it has advantages and disadvantages.  On the one hand, the not knowing what will happen can be a rush.  On the other hand...the not knowing what will happen can actually be quite unnerving.  Having no direction and no idea what and where one ought to go next can be a little scary.

This week I learned about refocusing.  Most of this week, I spent my free time in the usual way, chasing mindless distraction to avoid reality.  Yeah, it's a bit of a pattern.  I am starting to awaken now, and I can see myself doing it.  That allows me to stop, and this is good.

I know now that I must let go, release.  No direction can be found with a cluttered confused mind. I'm simply going to let each day flow.   In the same way the beautiful dragonfly's  iridescent wings reflect many different colors, so we can each reflect the many true, natural colors of ourselves, and leave behind what is not real.  For me, that can mean many things, but most especially that inner voice of self-criticism that fills my head with shoulds and negativity and critical thoughts. There's no place for that and I am working to not listen to that voice anymore!

Today I stopped by the cemetery to "see" my dad.  This is unusual for me, I'm not really the cemetery visiting type, as I am a firm believer in the life and energy of the soul continuing, I know the body is secondary.  Dad's not really there, and I don't need to go there to think of him, honor him or "be with" him. But today,  for some reason today, it felt right.  My memere and pepere are there too, I was very close to them. I always put a little kiss on my fingers and give one each to Mem and Pep. I sat and talked with Dad for quite a while, told him everything that's going on with me.  As I was leaving the thought kept coming to me to be about what I need to do, let the days each flow and the answers would come, it reminded me of the little animals I've been watching.  Thanks, Dad.

When I got to Rock House Reservation, I was delighted.  It's a beautiful wooded area, with hiking trails and enormous rock formations created by glaciers.  It's strikingly beautiful. (Note to self : Must return in autumn during foliage season!)  It was really very warm today, on this third day of summer, about 85 degrees but thankfully not humid.  When I got to one of the huge rock formations that you can actually go under / in, the shade was wonderful.  I felt compelled to put my hand up, touch the rock just to my right.  It was rough, and cool, refreshing.  I stood there for some time, eyes closed, not thinking, simply being.  As I withdrew my hand, the thought came clearly to me: "There are no answers in the struggle, only in the release.  Be about your business."   I stood there in the little cave-like area, grinning like crazy.  Then I said aloud, "Spirit of the Rocks, thank you." It felt like the right thing to say, so I went with it.

So, this ongoing theme...."be about your business."  For the moment, I think my business is to get up every day, be honest, tell the truth, stay real, help others without weakening them, apologize and where I can right wrongs I've done, and love. I'm going to write, listen to music, read poetry and stay active and healthy.  I'm going to let my spirit flow, with each new day and see what comes of it.  Most of all, I'm going to trust.

Tomorrow?  It's not here yet.  I'm living in the moment.

A Simple, Beautiful Dream

To live simply
With only what is needed
To travel lightly through life
And not be burdened
With the unnecessary
To spend time on what matters
To live, love, laugh, help
To live deliberately and with purpose
Time in nature
Music as the backdrop
Writing on my heart
The art of conversation
The warmth of eyes and of arms
A soul on the same path
Simple, easy pleasures
Paired with hard work, spent gladly
Passion for each new day
This is my dream

Don't Need Your Safe Place Anymore

Holding to old beliefs
The things that make us feel safe
Having been on both sides now
I can see why some stay in that box
Facing the truth is not work for the weak
You will, inevitably
Find things you wish you had not
But in facing the good and the bad
There is true freedom
And when you hold that up
Next to that stupid, convoluted web
That idiotic mess you've made
You will see, you have many knots to untie
But the work is worth it
Knot by knot, the letting go of what no longer fits
Because the truth
Is the only place I want to live

The American Dream

Even before the betrayals
Of the trusted ones
Pushed so many to the brink
Forgotten, without recourse
Many saw it for what it was
Flawed, broken, empty
It failed so many of our parents
But admitting that was the ultimate betrayal
And so we created our own plastic truth
We draped it in the flag, and whispered it in prayer
Paying respect to the broken stupidity that it was
And still is
And we set out to carve ourselves
A slice of the banquet feast
But all along, the table has been empty
We bought the lie
Paying with our youth, our dreams, and our vigor
And with our hard work
But there are some with open eyes
Who will face what is
This one draws the line now, today
I reclaim myself and my dreams
Whatever comes next
Will be borne of  open eyes and truth

Don't Give Up Hope

You're hard when you have to be
Maybe that's more often than you'd like
You do what you have to do
You've tried hiding but the cowards way is not for you
You dream, passionately
And those dreams aren't about big and shiny
But they are about real
And true
You get knocked down
Disappointed and hurt
The things you work for seem so far away sometimes
And you can't tell if all that work, sweat
All you've put in
Does it matter for anything
You think about giving up
But time and time again
You keep trying
Each dawn another day
Another few steps
Giving every day your best
That's who you are
Because inside your heart
There's that belief
That there's a place in the world
For people to live, create, and love
Simply and passionately
Where being real and true does matter
And that somehow
Someway
It fucking makes a difference
Maybe someone will see, hear
And they'll feel it too
And so, through the disappointments
Falls, mistakes, miscalculations
Obstacles and naysayers jabs
You keep going
Because you know who you are
You work, you keep going
You try to lend a hand
You stay true
And you know what?
That's beautiful.
That does matter
And yeah, someone does see.

Sunrise Souls (for dh)

You will encounter them
Beautiful broken souls
Their light so bright
Convinced wholly
Of their own unworthiness
Unaware of their beauty
Blind to the gift they are
Hanging on tight to one day
Or one hour's equilibrium
Destined to free others
But unable to free themselves
Comes the warning
Do not twist or bend
Cease your manipulation
Stop your judging and evaluating
Look at your own soul should you wish to examine
No one is ever worthy to cast judgement
On another
Just be thankful
You have been graced to know them
What can you do for them?
Stand by them
It is enough

Fallout

When you throw it all away
Discarding as useless
Everything solid you've known
The result, a life un-anchored
While the soul searches
Grasping for a hold
Each, in turn, failing
Every morning anew
Belief, beauty possibility
And yes, hard work
The journey continues

Happy Little Sheep (March Against Monsanto)

This one was inspired by several friends of mine, and thousands whom I do not know who attended the March Against Monsanto in cities across the country yesterday, 5/25/2013 and made sure their voices were heard.  I was sorry to miss the event, due to a family event, but wanted to share this:


Work hard
Try to make ends meet
You love your family
Telling me
You'd do anything to keep them safe
Happy and healthy
Well in that case
Your barbecue
May just have been
The most dangerous thing
Your 4 year old does this weekend

Or you can be the kid
In a pretend world
Tell yourself
If I stopped eating every item they say is bad for me..
Maybe you think it's just too big
You can't fight it, so just go along with it
Drink the kool-aid
Believe the mainstream media
"It's not bad or it wouldn't be on the market"

Tell me
What happened
To a parent being the line
The place where it STOPS
That's your kid

Tell me
What happened to people
Believing that voices united
Can make a difference

Tell me
Why so many countries
Have taken action on this
And we can't

Tell me
If the lobbyists
And the big corporations
Really own America


Tell me
If you're a happy little sheep
Or if you really care
And have some passion

Unknown

Many paths
Several from which to choose
One an adaptation of the known
Other ways show themselves
Mind, body, and spirit
Transfixed by these
A step off the cliff
Free fall
Complete unknown
Ask yourself
What are my deal breakers?
Comes the answer
Breathless with fear
Do I HAVE any deal breakers anymore?
Hold tight
Music, writiing, nature
Sanity
As weeks unfold
Time will tell

Mother

When I look back
I see all of it
Mistakes, failures
Moments of joy
Instead of weighing it out
I let it sift, like soft sand
Through my fingers
Matters not how time, tide
Or life
Shall judge me
I know that twice
Admittedly, with some help
I got something
Beautifully, amazingly, breathtakingly
Right

Yesterday

Yesterday
Was one of those days
The times
When it sneaks up on you
The past
Not so much
In a "hanging on" kind of way
But like a freight train
With all of the weight
Of the joys, sorrows
Dreams
Some that have come true
Others dashed
Those moments that changed everything
Ugly and painful, showing our worst
Hearts broken, mended
But altered, forever
The sweet silvery and gold days
Beautiful gossamer threads
Most broken now
But never, no never regretted
And yes
As a soul searches for next steps
We have those days
That hit us hard
Now a part of who we are
Yesterday
Was one of those days

One Woman (Missing The Mark)

Yesterday, I posted a poem, "One Woman".  It came from an experience I had, one that I felt others had perhaps been through, also.  I set about sharing it.

Let me just say that input last evening and today showed me that I missed the mark rather significantly.  For the most part, people thought the poem was about looks and appearance.

I know I'm not really a good writer.  Writing, along with music, are what keep my head on straight.  I can't live without either one.  Having said that, I'm not a good writer.  Yet.  So, this was a good learning experience.

I guess part of it was the ongoing habit I have of spilling me first and then editing later.  There are times when that first raw, bleeding attempt IS what you want to share. I've been on Twitter and FB for about 18 months.  If you've hung out with me any length of time, you know that I share more than might be average, certainly more than some are comfortable with.

While this may be a part of me, I am beginning to see the value in writing, then re-reading, and editing.  Many  of  you have commented that the personal nature of my writing has struck a chord and that it actually helped that I shared one thing or another.  And it's probably not a secret that the writing is therapeutic for me. Perhaps I can find a way to keep those concepts but to also spend the time to perfect it, work it, make it more of a craft, a skill....what am I trying to say and did I communicate that?

So, with your indulgence, lets try this again.  Here, I hope, is where I was trying to go last night but failed so miserably. I'm going to do more of a story than a poem, I want to capture this, for what it's worth.
________________________

It's morning, a morning like any other. The sun is shining, and finally the world seems to be thawing. Hints of green out the window meet her eyes, she smiles. Morning always has such a brand new, anything can happen feeling.  Getting ready for work, she picks an outfit, matches a scarf and jewelry and chooses a pair of shoes.  She puts some "product" in her stubborn hair, and grabs her makeup basket. As she "puts on her face", she smiles, thinking of Becky taking her to a "makeover" a year ago so that she could learn, in her 40's, how to put makeup on!

Weekends are so much easier!  Throw on a baseball hat, hoodie and yoga pants and we're good for the day, unless it's a night for one of Glenn's gigs.  She and the Becks like to look nice when they stand up front and support their friend.  Becks is so much better at "putting on her inner rock star" when they go out, but it's really about the music, and friendship.

But today is a work day, like a million before and how many more to come.  There's a huge pile of unanswered questions in her head, and not just a few sizable speed-bumps to come in the coming weeks.  She's got no clue how she'll handle them, but she's convinced she'll think of something, she always does.  Besides, she thinks to herself, what good am I going to do getting all hysterical about things?  Putting the "mental rubbish" aside, she checks the look in the full length mirror.  She smiles, and says out loud to herself., "Hey, I don't look half bad today."  She goes downstairs to leave for work, a little spring in her step.

On her way out, she quickly peruses yesterday's mail that she didn't have a chance to sort. More overdue notices, including 2 shut-off notices.  Making a face she stuffs them in her tote. Lunch time homework, she'll feed them a little something to shut them up and make a few calls.

It's such a gorgeous day, the sky is such an amazing shade of blue.  Sweet!

At work, she gets called into her boss's office.  He tells her he's got a great deal of confidence in her but that it is apparent that her focus just isn't there. The client has noticed, as have other "internal partners."  She returns to her cubicle, basically like the baseball player who has just been told that if he doesn't get all home runs, he'll be cut from the team.

The major salary supporting....everything.....the medical insurance.....the relatives in the building.  How the hell can all these plates be kept spinning?  She drives home, thinking of everyone who is relying on her.  She feels like a shit, because in this moment, it just feels....heavy.

Dreams.  As the traffic crawls along, and the Foo Fighter's "Skin and Bones" album plays in the background, she reflects on reality vs the dream she has.  She thinks to herself, some people like routine, but there are times that it just runs you down.  She knows that in more than one aspect of life, she has continued on, doing the same things, the same way, in the same places, with the same people.  Like so many others, she knows she's dying inside.

This circle of thinking isn't productive, really, because she already knows all of this and really, reviewing it over and over doesn't help.

She pulls over into a state park that's on her route home, it gets her off the highway anyway, and just sits there, in the car. Dave and the boys are still singing.  "February Stars"...."I'm hanging on".....she laughs and then tears up at the same time at the truth of it. "You're an idiot" she says aloud to herself, taking off her glasses to wipe the tears.

To live....freely.  What would that look like?  Do  people actually achieve that, do they get out of the rat race?  She smiles to think of it, a warm place, work that feels good, the right arms, a sweet blessed simplicity   borne of only using what is needed and leaving all else aside.  It's a sweet thought.

Her phone chirps, a message that needs to be answered.  She types a quick reply, starts the car and leaves the park.

That night, she takes off her clothes and removes her makeup.  Catching a glimpse of herself in the full length mirror , she stops, really looks.  She sees where her age shows on her face, notices the stringy frizz of her hair, the extra pounds, the way she's not tight and smooth.  Her mind starts to wander, as she pulls on leggings, a tank and hoodie.

Again she speaks out loud, to herself.  "You're delusional", disgusted at what she sees.  All of the crap standing between she and that life seem so big tonight, and she can't see a way out.  She feels inadequate, and tired, and just.....UGLY.  It's really best described as feeling undeserving, unworthy of those beautiful dreams you have.  You think to yourself, good heaven's what the fuck do I have to offer the world?  Who the hell would want me?  A black moment settles on you, you let doubts creep in, and you can't  see a way out. You're worthless.
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That, my friends is what I was trying to get across last night. Maybe some will see this as yet more over-sharing. "There she goes again, she's such a fucking mess."   Some will think it's just weakness, that I'm being whiny and if  I'd just shut up and get off my ass, I can change anything I want to.

I know that my sweet ones.  And I'm doing that.  I DO  believe in going for your dreams, and you can't do that without taking stock, facing what's real, and then moving your ass.

But this was about what those black moments feel like, those times when everything crashes in on you.  This was about what that one moment feels like, when you meet your own eyes in the mirror and you just can't stand it.  I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way, and so I'm sharing it, for me and for anyone else who has been there. It is a moment, it comes, and it's dark, painful and heavy. But it passes, you keep going!

So, there it is. Yes, babies, there is hope and I believe in going balls to the wall for your dreams - stay tuned for the rest of 2013! - or crashing and burning in the attempt.  I hope that perhaps this communicates more effectively what I was trying to get across yesterday.

Random, Unconnected, Raw

Sometimes, you just want to push them away, and scream  "You don't know me!"  The whole fucking world.

There are moments when it's dark, and there can never be a "right place" to be, save one.

Awe and wonder can stand shining, right next to the blackest desolation.

When you're doing it differently, you do, finally, cross a point of no return. On the other side is freedom. Burning bridges is looked at as a negative thing. But after a while, you figure out that often, they were on roads to places you never needed to go to start with. Once you toast one or two, it does get easier. I find there's less and less of "good" and "bad" and more and more.....things are either true or they aren't.  You spend time throwing away what's not needed, you get less and less reluctant to admit  to YOU who you are and that makes it easier to match the walking with what's inside of you.  Yeah, you're still scared shit-less as my dad would say, but you do it, you move....anyway.  You learn to use compassion while still being true to yourself.  

There will always be the music, when nothing else makes sense.  I can listen to it, and it's as if I am instantly "home".   Or someone can play the piano, or a guitar and I'll sing along and my heart and soul will open completely,  the way music always makes them do. Oh sweet, precious release.

Telling the truth to yourself, to others and walking in it.....this isn't for the faint of heart.  It'll put you on the other side of the world from everything you've ever known.  And standing in it can't be compared to anything else in this world, on any plane of existence.  Would I go back to being blind, numb?  Hell no.  Unequivocally, NO.....life is fucking beautiful.

My friend's young son said to me the other day "that's because you can read people."  I haven't known him very long but it made me smile, people have said similar to me before.  I don't know....all I know is if I get a glimpse into your soul through your eyes, or through your words, I DO "see"  people.  Did you ever really read between the lines in your conversations with people, watch their eyes, their gestures, body language...there's SO MUCH in what people DON'T  verbalize.   Or on social media....what people say and don't say...how they say it.....you can learn a lot by being mindful   Summary.  I love people. You can see their joy and their pain even when they don't think they're letting it out.

Every single day I learn something new. The more time goes on, the more I'm convinced....I don't know a fucking thing.

Sometimes I really just want a "lost weekend" ....but for like....maybe several months.  I want to drive aimlessly around, travel, drink, smoke, have lots and lots of sex, listen to music, wander aimlessly through the wild places....skinny-dip, see every kind of art that exists, talk to random people,  whatever.....completely unplanned.  Anyone care to finance that for me?  HAHAHA

Am I really a poet?  I doubt it....my writing sucks, I think.  But I'll always write.  I don't know that I could keep my head on straight without writing and music.

Some days a woman needs to be held tenderly, and be made love to, slowly and with time and care.  Other days, nothing makes sense and she needs you to block everything out - bring it quick, just fuck her brains out, hard - eclipse the fucking sun. Figure out which is which - we'll move heaven and earth for you, baby.

I just want to be true to what's real. That's all.