Yes, I'm Doing That

Yes, I'm fucking with your reality
Yes, it's uncomfortable
And, I'll even admit
That I find it to be
"Not altogether unamusing."
Because I know how it feels, too
Truth is, I'm not doing this
To be a confrontational ass
That's just a free bonus
I am making my life
What I want it to be
In the process
Those close to me
Are affected
I'm sorry if that is difficult
But, I am not turning back
I can't tell you what to do
But if I were you
I'd make it what
Makes you happy

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Yes, It IS For You

There are times in life
That despite intent
Strong belief
And lessons learned
We have an opportunity
A job, a relationship, a new interest
Some new passion
That ignites a spark
Something beautiful, amazing
Perhaps even life changing
I've been there
And I've watched others, too
Old habits, patterns
Pull us back
For some, self-righteousness
An internal set of rules
Expired, stilted and limiting
Others can't believe
That this could be for them
They don't feel worthy
Some have been hurt
And the fear of that pain
Makes them hold back
It's like choosing Dinty Moore
Over something fresh and real
But I've done it
Countless times, we all have
So today I say YES
I say to myself
And to all of you
Believe
You ARE worth it
Don't miss out
On something that was
Meant for you
Let's push past our fear
And live for today

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I Know My Heart

I know my heart
Filled, to overflowing
Bubbling up
Spilling over
All day and night
Endlessly
What I don't know
Is yours

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Changing

Sometimes, you get these moments of clarity, when a truth hits you.

Lately, I've let loose verbally a few times, either in person or on Twitter. Each time, I've looked back on the situation and I'm horrified and sad at what I've done.

In sitting and really looking at this, I do see a pattern. In each case, I was either hurt, scared, or felt rejected.

There was a time in the past when those feelings made me pull back. I felt small, and I would pull away, trying to shrivel up and hide, disappear.

Well, I'm not big on hiding anymore. It's like I broke a bad pattern, but replaced it with something much worse. And I'm a wordsmith, so when I lash out, I can be nasty.  I can't go around being mean and hurtful to people. I won't let this continue.

So, from now on when I feel like that, I am going to turn it outward. I'm going to do something positive for someone else. It's a good pattern, I think.

Hey, talk is cheap. I know. So I am going show this in action.

To those I've spit venom at, I could not be more sorry.

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Ends

Maybe it was all those years in church youth groups, all that togetherness. Let's call it Kumbayah syndrome. 

I always try to achieve agreement, resolution Now.  I'm thinking it doesn't work that way.

As we all walk our paths, if we do that in an honest, authentic way, if we live our passion, work hard and not give up, then we will end up with a life we love.

But maybe it's just unrealistic, naive to think we can take everyone with us.  Not every friendship is forever, lovers come and go. Not all connections continue. Some things just end, and we keep walking

I guess that's life.

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Out Of My Way

Stay the fuck
Out of my way
I'm through pretending
That I care about
Anyone's else's opinion
I'm doing this my way
Call me quirky, crazy
Tell me that I share too much
Crazy rock and metal fan
What was she thinking, a nose piercing?
Really?  All those concerts?
The clothes, the politics....
Did you hear?  She doesn't go to church anymore!
The funny thing is
Those things are tiny
Compared to what's coming
You're all so funny
I freak you out
I used to feel bad about that
You know what?
For ANYONE
IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME
The way I am
Then go sit on the bench, pussy
Where the scared ones stay
This is called
Embracing life
The victories and the awful mistakes
They're all mine
I'm going to live my life

Myself

I'm just me
Finding my path
I'm happy
Comfortable in my own skin
I clean up my own shit
I want change, and I make it happen
I haven't asked for a fucking thing
From any of you
Not one thing
The important things
I handle on my own
Always have
Always will
Self-sufficiency
That's how it's done

Fun

I'm constantly amazed
At how much fun
Everyday is
Now that my eyes are open
Now that I've fired my Editor
And burned my filters
Lost all those rules
That keep everyone else
Comfortable
Seeing differently
Wanting to see even more
Stripped down
To only what matters
Damn
I was blind
And now I see
Beautiful
Life really is
A fucking blast

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Space to Breathe

Sitting in this quiet place
Sweet peace washes over
Allowing honesty and truth
The space to breathe
Honoring the real
Baby steps no more
Strength, now
Reflections of the self
As the trees in the water
Dragonfly stops by
Lands right on me
Time stops
Message received
Though unspoken
Despite the work ahead
She is finally
At peace

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Word Visions

Eyes closed
Visions come
Hair, soft on shoulders
Kissed by the wind
Swirling lil' groove
Slowly bubbles up from inside
Shall we put it into words
Paint colorful word symbols
Or take it to nerve endings
Honor it, one way
Or the other
Poetry
Or skin
All the same

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Skin and Spirit

Do we walk right through
Fear to live what we know
Looking at the sky
As if the answers might fall
When we've got them right inside
Paint ourselves into a corner
We like our fences
They make us feel safe
Keep the fear at bay
I know it's not like I thought
But damn, baby
There ain't nothin' either
We're human
But we're afraid to be
So we make rules
And conventions
Parameters, little boxes
Is there really any sanctity
Or is there only life
One and the same
The feeling comes
In the early morning
All I can think of
Is truth, and need
The Body speaks
And the Spirit hears
When we're skin to skin
Is that the truth
Will this feeling leave me
If we fuck
The sanctity
That comes of being
Throw off your fear
Let go of the parameters
The things you were taught to avoid
That's exactly where it lives
The questions will always come
And the moments
Will keep spilling over
Falling on you
Like so many raindrops
Some days they'll pour
Gasping for breath, likely to drown
The answer isn't up there
It's not anywhere
Outside
It's inside of you
Where you want the real to be
So much to feel, too many words
There isn't enough poetry in the universe
To contain
What the poet feels today

I Am

There was a time
When my self-esteem
Hung on what others thought
Only happy
If I weighed well
In their eyes
No reflection of my own
And now
The road has changed
Of my own making
My choice
I am different
Strong
I walk my own path
There is no one
Who completes me
None who are the missing piece
To my puzzle
I am complete
All on my own
I know myself
And I walk my road
Seek to cause no harm
Just being me
There is freedom in this
To all whom I love
Let us be
An open book
Accepting
Believing in the other
The knowledge
Of one who knows me
And chooses to be in my life
In whatever capacity
Just as I have chosen you
This is who I am
I offer you the same gift
Openness
Love, loyalty
Unswerving, unequivocal
Belief in you
I only know how
To love
This way
I am unapogetically me
You may choose to stay
Or go
As you wish
I send you love
And light
Regardless of your choice

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It's Not Complicated

Life isn't that complicated

Or, shall we say 

It doesn't need to be

Tho' for a long time

I made it so

Now I've got to untangle

All that string

But it's all good

It's happening

The way it should 

I know who I am now

Comfortable 

In my own quirky skin

Hey, I know

Not everybody is thrilled

With how I walk it now

But this is who I am 

It always was 

Not hiding it anymore

So yeah

I'm impulsive sometimes

Feel every damn thing strongly

I bleed words

I haven't quite found my filters

Since I found "open"

In fact, I haven't decided if I want any

I'm gonna sidle up next to life

And make love to it 

Until it begs for mercy

Laugh when it's funny

And sometimes when it's not 

Being irreverent 

Doing what I love

Writing

Loving my music

Doing things

That scare the hell out of me

Because everybody should

And if I love you

Then watch out

It won't always be easy

I'm sorry for that 

But I'm balls to the wall loyal

I'll always have your back

I'm just enjoying life

Having fun being me

No

It's really NOT complicated

Who knew?

Shall I

Shall I
Tell you
Do you
Really want to know

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A Simple Life?

Tea and fruit
A simple repast
Quiet of the mind
Needed clarity
Details, seemingly endless
So little is actually needed
Abiding love
Profound, so deep
Unequivocal
The thread underneath
She is surrounded
By the clamour
Seaweed around her ankles
But as it has always been
The soul within
Walks alone
Strong enough?
Oh yes!
Walk in truth
She will
To live free
The only choice
Costs counted
Intent and action
She says
Yes
To Life
On her own terms

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Micros On The Day (From Twitter) Aug2012

Where is the quiet sacred place / the peace / of cool night breezes / lightly covered / stars above / rest until refreshed 

The feeling of skimming / as a stone / across the surface / a sort of / hovering above / just slightly disconnected / where to land?

Slipping in and out / alternate universes / she allows herself / to fly / in the space between / where no one sees

Grasp a cup of morning / Awakening / A new dawn / Gratitude / Energy / Appreciation / Let this day / Be your art

Morning always comes / Soft around the edges / The web of night's fog / Dream remnants / Quietly sit / Let reality creep in / Slowly

Friendship

Friendship
Comes in many forms
Sometimes, it's a hummingbird
A quick, unexpected greeting
Bringing a burst
Of bright, sweet color
Delight!
It can be a quiet presence
Sitting by your side
When words fail
And all seems lost
Friendship comes as truth
Blowing through
Like a hurricane
Bringing needed disorder
When you need to see
What is real
It's a smirk, a smile
An out of control laugh
Seeing the humor
In the everyday
Inspiration in the sharing
Words, feelings, experiences
Life, lived
It pours the wine
Cuts you off
Helps you clean up your mess
Tells you the truth
But never condemns
Forgives your weaknesses
Enjoys getting in trouble
With you
Celebrates your victories
Friendship. It "gets you"
It arrives as compassion
When you aren't your best self
It's always up for an adventure
Friendship believes in you
In who you are
And what you do
Unequivocally
It KNOWS
That you are beautiful
And amazing
In spite of your faults
Friendship
When we are lucky
Enough to find it
It is one of the single most
Profoundly beautiful
Experiences in life
When I use the word friend
I do not throw it around
Lightly
I am so grateful
For all of the friends
That I have in my life

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Coffee, Car Keys and Bliss

Pour a coffee
Greet a friend
Ask yourself
If this will end
Car keys, groceries, feed the cat
Inside your head
Where are you at
Drive to work, pay the bills
Find a way to fix their ills
Graceful exits, in the game?
Putting faces to the names
Just a series of ins and outs
Face or ignore them
All your doubts
Awaken one day
A subtle shift
Every moment
Such a gift
Give them love, and send them light
But enable not their weakness tonight
A new way to walk
A pushing back
Finding freedom, no more lack
Some will stay, and some will go
Seek not to harm
The natural flow
Speaking what is on the heart
Taking up your rightful part
Live today

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Now

Some they hang on
To what they don't need
Others, they judge
To the last
All I desire
To live in the now
And never the future or past

Mystic Fire, Sacred Pain (For Bradford)

Are you living in the mainstream
And do you even want to be
Are you fearful of aloneness
Do you struggle to be free
Do your eyes refuse to see it
The truth before their view
Can you ever hope to touch it
Or will it never come to you
Do the people really see you
Behind your outer shell
Can they glimpse what you are hiding
In your quiet, private hell
Is your heart completely broken
Can you teach your soul to soar
Or does that mask you wear prevent you
From ever opening the door
When the mystic fire evades you
And the beautiful seems far
Can you hear the sacred music
There within your shuttered jar

If the real does not entice you
And the dream cannot be touched
Will you ever find your place
Can you let go of your crutch
You think there's safety in your hiding
And you do not see the harm
If you cannot join the world soon
I'm afraid you might be gone
Pieces of your life go by
Like leaves upon the wind
And you make no move to stop them
And you cannot see the sin
If a word can make us human
Then a touch can make us whole
I can hear your inner crying
And I know what's on your soul
Can we feel I AM within us
Can we let ourselves exist
In the morning of our suffering
We begin to see what is
Live on

We Can Do Better

If we show them
Only our contempt
How can we ever
Connect
Yes, live
Unapogetically self
Build it
Challenge each other
Without judgement
Understanding, respect
Without losing the self
Is this petty fighting
Name calling
And tearing down
What we want
For ourselves
And our children
They feed us
What we clamor for
Stop settling for less
I say demand more
Change your expectations
No, we aren't there now
I know I'm not
But together
We can do better
Yes, we can

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Obscene

There's a special brand
Of obscenity
In being at the same crossroads
More than once
How many times
Will you stand here
And walk backward
Taking the safe road
Dying more inside
Every time
So much wasted time
You know what you want
The future to be
But calling it the future
Means you don't have to
Act on it now
The situation is never
Going to be ideal
No perfect time
Is ever going to exist
You know what you want
And what you need
On every level
Created a special hell
For yourself by defining it
In such detail, but acting on
Such a small part
Like putting a band-aid
On a gunshot wound
Time to stop living from
The land of fear, duty and guilt
And act

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Yes To Life

My voice, not silenced
My soul, still bright
Eyes, clear now
For the first time
In so very long
I will fear not
The shadows without
Nor the darkness within
It is a part of me
Alongside the light
Yin and yang
Strength, vision, purpose
Determination
Yes, I say yes
To life
Following my passion
I will see this through
I take action
I do not give up easily
No hiding
This is mine
Mine to live
So much that is good
And beautiful
And so I walk it
My own way, finally
To be judged not
By anyone
Yes, mine to live
And live it, I AM

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Thank You

Many have shined a light
On my path
Over the last year
It has been difficult
Harder than I could have imagined
But beautiful
So many learnings
I know that I made a mess
More than once
And the grace
Of your friendship
In the face
Of my struggles
And trip-ups
Is amazing to me
So many of you
Sharing so many beautiful lessons!
I could not have made these changes
Without you
I have learned so much
This year
Honoring and walking
What I've learned this year
Is how I will thank you all
For the gift you have given me
As I begin a new chapter
Much love to you

Believe In You

The smallest things
Tiny in creation's vast array
Each has it's place
Necessary, beautiful
Life
Is never insignificant
Forever precious
In the same way
YOU are creation
Wondrous
Always know this
And BELIEVE in you

Earth's Invitation

An invitation
Spoken by the Mother
Heard within the breeze
Beautiful calligraphy
Upon the water's surface
Come
Live
Know that you ARE
Be
No need to chase it
It is within
Understand this
Beautiful child
You are a part
Always connected
Held and loved
Sunlight's kiss
My good morning to you
And the stars at night, evening's breeze
The lullaby I sing to you
Know that in every moment
That you breathe
That you are loved

Dragonfly Chase

I come here
Once a week
And always
You stop by
Dodging, hovering
Teasing
As you dart back and forth
I try and capture your image
But you're too fast for me
Iridescent wings
Effortless, hovering
Change direction with such ease
Perhaps I have not learned
All of your lessons
But I will
And then!
You must let me hold your image
For but a moment
It's only fair
My beautiful friend

Summer's Child

My hair has grown long enough now that I find myself twirling it between my fingers all the time.  Anyone who knows me will tell you this is a habit that goes back a long time.  I have done this since I was a very little girl.

Today, I was driving through the stunning Vermont scenery,  and took a strand of hair that I was twirling and brought it around and made a mustache, above my upper lip. Now, THAT is something I don't think I've done in decades.  This old reflex, come back to life after so long, brought a huge smile to my face when I realized what I had done.

I was instantly transported back to summer evenings, riding bikes with all of the neighborhood kids, climbing trees, picking and eating raspberries and blackberries right off the bushes, and generally just running wild and thoroughly enjoying it. We all had similar instructions, we could stay outside until it got dark.  When the street lights came on, it was time to come in. Of course, everyone tried to get just a few more minutes, and all the doors would open as our moms yelled out for each of us to get home.

I'd come home covered in sand, dirt and tree sap from my adventures.   My mother would always say "Bethy Ann, do you have to come home covered in dirt from  head to toe?"  From there, it was off to the huge claw-foot bathtub for me, to find the girl under the dirt.

It's funny how a small thing can trigger a memory.  This one was so sweet, just like those berries, so I thought I'd share it.

When Joe Sang

Opened
And it was all so new
Crazy overwhelming
I was tripping over it
Spilling it all over the place
Life, feelings, decisions
It was all so huge
I had no filters
No point of reference
For the wonder
That is everyday life
Many approached
Some have faded
Dismayed by the
Clusterfuck of it all
"Fix Yourself"
And gone
No idea the work
Every day
Still
My issues alone
Own It
And I have
Coming up on a year
Since Joe sang
My beginning
Still more to learn
Every Day
Getting better
At balancing
Focus, intent
Passion
Where it's needed
But being able to
Let go, relax
Just have fun
Unexpectedly
The hardest lesson
Freedom, thou
Sweet, unfamiliar new lover
Regret for the messes I've made
Love and gratitude
For the compassion
Friendship and open hearts
Who have not walked away
At times I've felt
Pathetic, embarassed
But no more
This is me, my journey
Now begins
A new chapter
The next pages
Written by me
My own action, belief
Unwilling to be trapped
By my own thinking, expectations
Or anyone else's
Leave the Tower of Babel
No more
A prostitute for a paycheck
And the House of Cards
Is coming down
I will walk forward
With those who wish
To honor life
And leave behind
Those who can't
This last year
Was messy for me
Now it's time to
Share the wealth
Hold on tight
Because
Baby girl's not afraid anymore

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Is It Me?

I don't know
If it's me
Or the rest of the world
I feel like I'm always
Watering me down
Restraining an impulse
Holding it back
Even after all this work
Where does compromise end
And self-denial begin
Screw self-denial, by the way
That belief system is my past
I seem to fuck with some of you
Just by being me
I'm torn between feeling bad
And feeling contempt
Really
Stand up
On your own two feet
You've made your choices
And I've made mine
We all have to decide
Like the lyric says
What to leave in
And what to leave out
What stays, what becomes
Part of the past
I'm not afraid of change
But some of you are
I love you all
But you need to let go
Of my ankles
You're pulling me under

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That Little Coat

Sitting here now
All I can think of
Is Chris Farley
"Fat Guy In A Little Coat"
Stuck in my head all morning
Ludicrous, but apropo
I am divided
So much of my life
What we have built
Doesn't fit me anymore
Like that little coat
Too small, constricting
Uncomfortable
I've identified the changes
That need to happen
I'm taking steps
That feels so good
And there is progress
But it is slow, so slow
The Tower of Babel
The House of Cards
They hold on so tight
I know sometimes
I hurt and confuse them
Just by being who I am now
But I was in pain
Being who I was before
And I cannot go back
Trying to do this
With a little dignity
For all
But progress is so slow
And so, there are days
Like today
When life feels
Exactly like that little coat

You do remember
What happens
To the little coat
At the end of that scene......

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