I work very hard, sometimes for mediocre results. I watch what other people do, and I try to avoid it, but I get jealous. Then I get angry at myself for being jealous. Jealousy is ugly, and I don’t like giving in to it.
It isn’t about feeling sorry for myself. I keep giving 100% even if that looks exactly like everyone else’s 65% in some situations. I accept what I can’t change and I work to change what I can. I accept being wired differently. I take the workarounds and processes that have worked for me over the years and I improve them. I try new ones. I always believe that today I can do even better. I seek and take advice. I fight to stay organized. I come in early. I make lists. I use calendar pop ups. I work as much on an item as possible until I have to stop because I know that when I put it down to go do something else, I will completely forget it. When I do have to put it down, I add it to my trusty list. I fix all the things I mess up. I do that a lot. I politely push back when I need more time to finish something. I'm much more patient with myself. When too much is going on at once, and brain fog ensues, I know to take a quick break, use breathing exercises and get calm. I know great things happen when I honor the way I need to do things instead of following the way everyone else does it.
Inattentive ADHD exacerbated by the changes that happen to goddesses my age - conversations with my doc have led us to decide that this is what’s going on. I know now that ADHD has always been with me and this knowledge certainly explains a lot of things that have happened in my life. I’m trying to balance being educated about both the ADHD and everything else going on with my body while not letting it define me or become an excuse. I want to be healthy but just as with Arthritis, it doesn’t become a decision maker or become all I’m about. There’s a middle ground somewhere between denying what’s happening and wearing it like a badge. I hope I’m walking that in a way that helps me be healthy and maybe generates conversation with others who could use somebody to talk to about these things. We have to help each other. I know others sharings have helped me so much! And everyone’s journey is different. It’s important that we respect that and each other. There’s no “you should” or “you shouldn’t. “ That language tears people down.
I keep searching for my little spot in the world where I will shine, where my wiring is a match!! It’s no secret that I tend toward the non structured, non linear, less scheduled, more self directed, creative way of moving through life. I am learning to integrate that more and more every day. I’ve been a free spirit in a box for a really long time, so it’s a daily journey, and an enjoyable one, as I remake my way and find my path. I know that I have a lot of skills and abilities, and I actually like who I am. I haven’t always been able to say that. I know it’s better every single day. I don’t give up. I keep redirecting the negative thoughts. I pray, keep the faith, believe, embrace magic, listen to my intuition, work with the Universe, and take steps every single day to make things happen.
I embrace who I am. I revel in it, in fact. And in truth, comparing ourselves to others is the worst form of self criticism. So I'll be happy for my brilliant friend while being glad about who I am! I’m incredibly grateful for the endless gifts of people and blessings in my life. I’m enjoying this journey thoroughly. Even the days when I might have just a little bit of brain envy and need to stop, accept my frustration and redirect it.
Why do I share? Because sharing helps us all. I hope others will feel free to do the same, so we can help each other.
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