Pincushion Ramblings

So, what's this all about?  Just a string of random thoughts.

When I get acupuncture, after the needles are placed, there's a time where I just simply relax, until it's time for them to be removed.  I absolutely love this time.  You can't really go very far with a bunch needles coming out of you at various angles, so you almost HAVE TO relax.  So, I figure, why fight it?  This is my time.

Sometimes I meditate, sometimes I drift off to sleep, think, or look at the patterns in the wooden beams on the ceiling. That last choice can be kind of trippy, but I digress.  Today, I just let whatever came to mind just flow out.  This is a little of it, or at least the part before it became incoherent and I fell asleep.   Hell, maybe you'll think the entire thing is incoherent.

I found myself looking back at events in my own life, and reflecting on things that have happened to family, friends and loved ones.  I couldn't help but notice a pattern - how very often we put ourselves in a position of being sad or upset because we want things to be one way and they are not. The fear, the despair, the anger, blaming, bitterness, sadness and the giving up times are all examples of the hell we put ourselves through.

We expect people to know what we have never said and maybe never even shown, we think "they should know!"  Actually, no, they shouldn't "just know".  Yes, they more than likely do want to speak or act, but they're scared. We rarely see that.  We only know our own expectations, and so fed by pride and fear, we can't let ourselves reach out, either.  So, people just sit there, with all this crap between them, preventing a true human connection when all they really want is to step into the warmth of loving acceptance.

Yeah, expectations.  They really can suck the life out of you.  I'm not advocating a fake happiness where we all pretend we're thrilled with life when we aren't.  There are times to "go" when taking action is key, and there are times to "flow", times when surrendering to the current brings us to new places, people, situations, and realizations.  I find "go" vs "flow" to be an ongoing lesson, it's not easy for me.   I'd much rather control things, and I suspect I'm not alone in that.

We feel more comfortable when we can control things.  So we set rigid parameters, and build our expectations around them.  This takes all of the responsibility off of us and puts it on the people and situations we encounter.  This is convenient so that we can blame them later when things don't work out. And so we put our rules out there:

I can only be happy in my work if it's this type of job or situation.
If this person truly loves me, they will know to do this and this and that.
Mr. or Ms. Right has to be exactly like this.
This vacation is only fun if it goes exactly according to plan.
I work hard and I'm a good person.  This kind of bad shit shouldn't happen to me.
Success can only look exactly as I have pictured it.
I can only be friends with certain types of people.
I can't try that kind of activity, that's not for me.

The list goes on and on and on, and we all have one.  I know I do. My own situation as an intuitive, creative, non-linear right brained gal trying to make it in cubicle world is a perfect example.  For so long I looked at it as just a paycheck, a trap and had nothing to offer beyond keeping the roof over my head.  I've come to learn that the skills I use there are definitely valuable outside of work, the people I work for and with are wonderful and I am the one, with my thoughts and actions, that chooses how every day will go.  Hey, I don't know much but this is working right now, I'll say that. I try and jettison the negative stuff, I decide to have a good day, and then move my ass.  The things I want to change, I have to create a plan and then do it.

The Serenity Prayer really does say it well: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

As I just layed there, letting the needles do their work, it just hit me, all the walls we all put up.  I do, I can say that.  Every time I pull one down, I find another one to go knock out. I guess we think we can avoid pain, discomfort and heartbreak that way. We put walls up if people don't do what we wanted them to do.  We're sad or enraged if a situation doesn't go as we'd hoped. We hide from ourselves and refuse to voice our needs to anyone, then get upset if they're not met. We're scared to death if people are different than we are.  We're often so risk averse that we can't move.  When we make a mistake, we want to be forgiven.  But when others make a mistake,  it seems incredibly hard to give that gift of forgiveness.

It's sort of like being 5 years old, playing in the Maytag box after mom's new washer arrives.  You climb in there, it's hidden and safe, and nobody can see you.  But then you get upset because you're alone in there!  Um...then climb back out!

The last thing I recall thinking before I drifted off was  how much more enjoyable life is when we can simply give each other a break. I'm not saying let's all be human carpets.  But think about it.  Do you ever wake up and say to yourself in the mirror "HEY! I think I will just absolutely SUCK at my life today!"   Do you ever stand in the shower in the morning and maliciously plan to make an idiot mistake that ends up spilling onto others?  Of course you don't.  None of us do.  We do the best we can, in each moment.  Most of us aren't stupid or heartless.  We're just scared, so we do stupid things.

It reminds me of something a very dear friend said to me not long ago.  My friend has one of the biggest hearts I've ever known, although some might not suspect it.

"We are all human and flawed. Life is too serious to be taken seriously, enjoy life."  

Furry Zen

Over coffee this morning, I was listening to some recordings of recent talks at a local Zen center.  I was  apparently listening very intently, because I was suddenly brought back to the present moment by the soft touch of a paw on my bare arm.

Our feline family member, Stevie, had decided I'd been lost in my concentration quite long enough, because he stood up on his hind legs, and reached up to touch me...."Um, hey!  I'm here!"

When I felt the soft paw touch, I looked down at Stevie, standing there reaching up for me.  He's got a strikingly beautiful face.  Looking into his eyes, I couldn't help but smile.  I could still hear the recording in the background, but I was just in the moment.  I stopped and spent a few minutes just enjoying the cat, and he certainly reveled in having my attention back on him.

The recording, my tentative plans for the day, my concerns and thoughts about the future, everything else fell away and Stevie and I just spent a few simple, fun moments together.

I'm sure the people on the recordings had many wonderful things to say.  But to be honest, the one who gave me a nugget of wisdom this morning, was Stevie.

Existence Kiss

She abides
In the expanse of space
Between the night
And dawn's bright face
Where time does not exist
Clothed in silken purple
Adorned with freedom
Sweetest rhythm
Body swaying
Dance of sheer delight
Each movement
Existence kiss
Heart, spirit
Calling forth
That which must be
And the River, lovingly
Washes away
All that belongs
On another path
There is no seeking
Love Is

States

At times, a question mark.
The calm mirror of water.
Swirling, dancing like breath on a January morning.
Occasionally, darkness.
Often, fire!
Always, love.

Morning's Decision

Morning tea
Greet the day
Decision time
Staying open
Remaining raw
Centered
Determined
Loving

Past mistakes
Destructive self judgement
Even random occurrence
The "odds"
At the periphery of the mind
Beckoning loudly
Tempting you
Come back in here
Behind the wall
It's safe here

Smiling
Sending doubt and fear on their way
Conscious choice
Stay the path
Be love
Work
Believe
Spread light
Messy, beautiful, unpredictable life

Somewhere between glory and horror
The place where your feet
Will touch the earth today
And every day

Walk. Live. Love. Be.

Reborn

It's not a cliche after all

In your very weakest moments

Doubts and fears that threaten to end you

The times when the very substance

Of who you thought you were

Shaken and stripped away

Even love seems to have flown

Sitting on the floor

Curled in a ball 

Fear, sorrow and emptiness 

Vying for control  

Stop fighting with it

Allow the fear, and face the void

Witness yourself

Broken as you are

Embracing it, the wave of it 

It breaks over you

Fleetingly, you wonder

Will it completely 

Wash you away

And then

Something unexpected

Rocking, sobbing

An aching tenderness begins 

Tendrils, like new spring growth

Nourishing the life within

Love, here

Exactly as things are, exactly as YOU are 

All the words, the striving fall away

Precious, sacred vulnerability

Like a newborn baby

Just you, breathing 

Gossamer threads of connection

With every thing

Standing, more naked than ever in your life

Raw with emotion

Drawing in sacred breath 

Closing your eyes, feeling your own heart

Oh, sweet delicious BEING

A new power within 

You are reborn 

Strength found in weakness 

No rules, no more confused thoughts

Gone the tangled striving 

Focusing on the love 

The light that shines within 

Standing now, looking at the sky

Feeling the wind on your face

Colors, so vivid 

Life, seen through the heart 

Such power 

In simply being 

Heart rhythm 

Shining, breathing and flowing

The Universe smiles 

The Human Being Challenge

I've been called

Liberal 

Witch

Cunt 

Fucking Democrat

Delusional 

White Woman

Flirt

Whore

I guess in the end, I'd prefer "Beth".  

I've heard others called:

Liberal

Conservative 

Idiot

Moron

Nigger

Nazi
Junkie

Facist 

Atheist 

Whore 

Cunt 

Fat ass

Zionist

Terrorist

Gang member

Brainless

Animal 

Dirty

Sub Human

Worthless

I myself have recently used the following labels to for people:

Stupid assholes

Baby killers

"Freakin Pubs"

Black Hearted Greed Hounds

Druggie 

I commonly refer to Dick Cheney as "The Anti-Christ"

Honestly.  We can't do this anymore.

I can't do this anymore.

Every time we decide someone needs a label, we dehumanize them, and ourselves.  We decide that they are lesser than us, that they do not have the same rights as we do, that there is something intrinsically wrong or bad about them.  Why?  

Because they do not think or believe the way we do.  And that makes us angry, or it scares us.  Anger is just another form of fear, anyway.

We're not all going to agree all the time.  We already know that. Yes, there are huge issues and challenges going on right now.  And people are dying, every day - because of one simple thing.  Our collective inability to put "THAT IS A HUMAN BEING" above ANY OTHER THOUGHT, NEED OR BELIEF. 

I am going to challenge myself.

Every time I want to spit out some nasty description, every time my fear or anger tells me that I have a RIGHT, that I have JUSTIFIED REASONS to count that person as less, every time I want to use a label - I want to STOP.  I want to catch myself.  I want to take deep breaths and ask myself  "Is this really going to help anything, if I do/say this?"  

I can't walk around believing that only people that are easy for me to get along with are worthy, beautiful, and amazing.  We all are.  Even people whose fear has made them act in ugly ways. I don't have any answers to anything.  I just know I can't pick and choose anymore.  I have to draw a line.  I have to stop.

Just For Tonight

Tonight
I'm giving it all a fucking rest
Goals on pause
Analyzing stops
No more picking me apart
Not striving for anything
No working, moving, purging
I don't want to rescue anybody
I sure as hell don't need rescuing
No
Tonight is mine
And you can't have it
None of you
Tonight I'm just me
And that's God Damned Well
Good Enough
In fact
It's beautiful
None of the labels matter now
And the past
With it's shining joys
And spectacular falls
Are just lessons learned late
As the man from Canada says*
And in this moment
I have no regrets
No apologies for you
I know who I was
Where I've been
What I've done
I'm standing here now
This is who I am
Who will I be?
That's for tomorrow
For today
I am here
And I am me
Exactly as I am
I don't fear my past, my present, or my future
Nor anyone else's
I'm doing this my way
One step, one day at a time
I'm not coloring inside the lines anymore
Every time I do that
It almost kills me
Right now is where I am
Because that's the only moment that matters
Don't you ever question my heart, my love
Or my authenticity
I've never hidden my successes
Or my failures
Maybe I didn't do it the way everyone wanted
That's life
That's me
You do the best you can in the moment you're standing in
That's all I've ever done, and it's all you've ever done
I'm choosing to be happy
With exactly who I am and where I am
Loving being alive
Having fun
If you don't, what exactly is the point?
I'll laugh, love and enjoy being.
Yeah.
So tonight is just for me.

*A reference to "It's Always Been You"  by Todd Kerns off the album Borrowing Trouble

Finding My Own Way

It's strange to think about it, now.

We chase so many things, because we think they're going to fill us up, create a feeling of wholeness or happiness or perhaps chase away the pain.  Sometimes, we know we're doing it, other times, it's just a human reaction and we aren't even aware of ourselves.

We aren't aware of ourselves.  That's just it, I think.  Any time something feels bad, uncomfortable, or painful we run away from it, we have to cover it, avoid it or cure it as fast as possible.  There are times, though, when we do ourselves a disservice.  Sometimes, you're SUPPOSED to feel that pain, or grief or anger and there's nothing wrong with it.

We can't face it for a lot of different reasons.  Maybe the grief is too big, or the pain is so all encompassing that letting it out seems like it would be the end of us. Maybe the sense of failure, of worthlessness is too much to bring out into the sun.

I've come to realize, each of us is exactly where we need to be.  I can't expect you to be anywhere but exactly where you are right now, in this moment.  There is nothing wrong with you or where you are right now.

It's harder to give that gift to myself.  Acknowledging that I am OK, that I'm acceptable, lovable, worthy....oh damn!  It's taken a lifetime to even begin to think that's possible.  But, I'm getting there, just recently.

I can't and I won't chase anything else to try and make it OK.  For a long time, I didn't even know I was doing it.  Then, once I did, it took a long time to STOP.  Lifelong survival habits are hard to change, but it isn't impossible.

Chasing distractions is empty.

There isn't any comfort to be had in food, television, twitter, liquor or the myriad of other things we try. Trust me on this point. And people?  I have been blessed with so many beautiful souls in my life,  but in the end, even that can change, for many different reasons.  I will always cherish the gift of the people I've been blessed to know in my life - those still here and those not in my life any more. The truth of the matter is, none of us can truly get our sense of self from the people around us, or the roles we play.  We won't find a way to make that heavy fear-ache in our chest go away by attaching ourselves to any other human being.  It doesn't work and it's a hell of a heavy load to hang on another person.

No.

We have to face ourselves. We have to accept ourselves. We have to love ourselves.  We have to find our own inspiration and connection.  We have to walk our own walk and make our own dreams happen. Only we can heal ourselves.  Of course we can help each other, and I am so grateful for the help I have received.  But we do have to make the decision to open the door and face it, to do that tough work. We have to be the one to open the door inside of us.  No one can make that decision for you.

For me, a connection with the Divine is what has helped me to find myself again and to decide that yes, I do indeed still want to be here. I'm glad I opened that particular door, and I've made no secret of the fact that Archangel Michael quite literally saved me by lending me his light and courage to face things until I was strong enough to realize my personal power. If I hadn't made the decision myself to open  that door and work, and acknowledge my need for help,  where would I be now?  More to the point - would I be now?  It's hard for anyone to help us if we won't accept it and admit we need it, and I'm glad I decided to seek help and hope.

Everyone's path is different, and we all find our own way.  Our own way.  That's how it works, that's how it has to be.

Disarming Yourself

Truth is
They're not rejecting you
No one is misunderstanding
No matter who, how many
Regardless of the situation
The judgement doesn't come
From the outside
Verdict rendered
By the judge and jury
Within
Those you interact with
Day to day
Are simply the mirror
You conjured them
To reflect what's inside 
Dutifully, they show up
Ready to deliver
A hot plate
Preordered
By YOU
Crazy, unbalanced
Over-sharer
Flirt, whore
Ugly, flighty
Talentless, worthless
Unlovable 
Overly sensitive
Lacking in compassion
Self-absorbed
Damaged
Accusations based on insecurity
Not on fact
That's coming from the place inside
The one you don't look at or go into
When you face your darkness
Accept, forgive, let go
Love yourself
All those damned arrows
From every direction
Bows drawn back
By your own self repulsion
Will all fall away
Freedom will be yours
It's your call

Tender Heart

Sometimes, you just drop it
All the baggage
And you've got no goddamned clue
What, where,  or how
And there's just life

Unable, unwilling
To go behind walls again
Tender heart, wide open
Eyes, refusing to close
See it all
Feel everything

Yeah
You'll bleed sometimes
But once you SEE
You can't go back
To willful blindness

It's just so
BIG

Some days

You know?

Rain

Rain does things to me.  Even as a little girl, rain has always been a portal, to imagination or to places inside of myself.

When I'm lying in bed on a rainy summer night, I can hear that "tires on rainy road" sound that cars make when the road is wet.  I get little pictures in my head, snippets of conversation and even moments of emotion as if their happiness, anger, fear or melancholy is seeping out the car window and coming to settle on me for the briefest of moments.  Then, as the headlights make moving designs across the dark bedroom ceiling, they are gone from me and I am again alone with the sound of the rain on the trees outside.

The SMELL of rain is very stirring to me.  One of my favorite things is that sweet scent that happens in late spring or early summer, when everything is in bloom and the rain falling down upon all of that thriving, growing greenness creates the most delicious mixture in the air.  It's an olfactory feast and I always have to stop, close my eyes and draw it in.  Life smells good, you know?

There are so many different, subtle scents where rain is concerned.  It depends on what is around that the rain is falling ON, what the temperature is, and many other different factors.  I think it's amazing how a scent can bring back an entire memory, and have me reliving an entire scene in my head.  I'm like that with rain, too.  Certain PLACES in the rain bring memories.  But it's not only that. When it rains, it's almost as if my senses, and I don't just mean the standard 5, are heightened.

On a rainy day, I'll often just pick up an entire scene, not one that's my memory, but one that is connected somehow with wherever I am at that moment.  Imagination? I wonder sometimes if it's a "place memory", I've heard some locations just have that kind of energy.  I'm not sure.  It happens more on rainy days than any other type of weather or situation.

I even have some songs that evoke rain thoughts.  There are a couple of Aerosmith songs that have no connection with rain whatsoever but each time I hear them I get a really strong rain smell, no matter where I am, and a quick little "vision" of pouring rain on green leaves.  If I ever meet Steven Tyler, mark my words, I'm going to ask him if it was raining when he wrote those two songs.

This morning, the air is sticky and sits on my skin like an itchy sweater.  I much prefer that the water fall from the sky, rather than to float in the air and make us all feel sluggish and nasty. High relative humidity, I believe the meteorologist called it.  This is one of the only forms water takes that I am NOT fond of!

Last night though, it rained.  When I stepped outside this morning to breathe, to greet the day as I always do, the rain was still making it's presence known, sliding off leaves like tiny ski slopes, and sitting in perfect spheres on flower petals.

That's an entire little world, or it is to me.  When I look up close at a flower, with perfect crystalline raindrops sitting on them, it speaks to me of life.  I can see, in that one moment all of the energy in the Universe, contained in this one clear view.  The color of the flower petals, the pistil and stamen, and the beautiful vivid green of the leaves are all quite captivating and I can lose myself in that world.  This morning, I found myself lost in wonder looking at the rain on my roses.

Rain.  I love rain.  I like walking in it.  I love to play in puddles like a 5 year old.  I love the sound of it and the smell of it.

Sometimes it even rains inside, and if you don't hide from it you'll find you're quite refreshed after it has passed.

New Day

The morning is sacred
Holy
Each person
Also sacred
Yes, even holy
What you bring to this day
Can be carried forward
By no other
Your light
Your gifts
Unique in this vast Universe
You are right where you need to be
Precious just as you are
A new day
You're beautiful
Let's do this
Shall we?

REGULAR PEOPLE DOING WHAT THEY DO

I realize that my overly enthusiastic expressions of support for people I care about and believe in can sound over the top to many people.  I'm certain there are those who think I'm being fake.  I can understand people having that reaction.

I assure you, quite the opposite is the case.  It's really about my world view.

I believe that the world is what we make of it.  Despite all of the horrible, negative things we all see and hear about every day, I still believe that what each of us does and says is important.  Every single one of us is unique and brings something different to the table. Something vital is missing if we don't share what we are.

And so, when I meet people, whether in real life or perhaps encounter them on line, once I interact with them, I SEE them.  I don't just see them, I REALLY see them.  It's who I am.  I end up just being completely in awe, everyday, when I see regular people doing what they do.

One person that comes to mind is #njpoet.  I discovered Charles Bivona's website and writing through another mutual friend on Twitter.  Charles is a working poet.  I actually like saying that out loud, that someone is a WORKING POET.  It feels good saying that, and to be honest I need to believe that the world has a place for a working poet, that we understand the value of this.  It gives me hope that the human race hasn't lost it's soul.  Following Charles on Twitter and reading his writing on his website has been an experience that is in turns delightful, sad, maddening and always thought provoking.  I read Charles daily, as if he were the morning newspaper, and I'd never miss a day.  That's regular people, doing what they do.

Speaking of regular people, I work with a huge bunch of them.  My coworkers are a varied group, different ages and backgrounds, likes and dislikes, just like any workplace.  As many who are close to me know, I've been on a bit of a personal journey (giant understatement) over the past 3 years.  I've worked in the same position during that entire time.  The past few months, as I've come out the other side of a rough part of that personal journey, and am enjoying the beauty of every day, I've noticed something.  I'm not certain how I missed this, honestly.  I clearly had blinders on, and I didn't SEE at all what was right in front of me.  My usual IN-sight failed me. I'm not just saying this but MY COWORKERS ARE ROCK STARS.  This has to be one of the hardest working group of people I've ever had the pleasure of being employed with.  And the positive attitude and sincere pleasure they get from helping each other makes going in to work every day so much better.  They help me to believe excellence is possible, and not just at work. There are those who would say that 9 to 5 isn't everybody's dream.  Maybe.  But a group of people like this makes your day about much more than getting a paycheck, you know?  And I was completely asleep to it, until recently.  That's regular people, doing what they do.

Musicians.  Babies, you know I love you!!  My dear friend Glenn Stewart is actually a true rock star as far as I'm concerned.  Glenn's gifts go beyond great songwriting, unexpected lyrics and truly stellar vocals. Watching Glenn on stage, seeing what happens as he interacts with the crowd....watching the way he communicates what's really behind a song - the emotion, the energy - that's beautiful!  Like so many musicians that I am gifted to know, Glenn works at a regular job during the day and works his ass off on his dreams on his own time.  To me, the music he shares makes a difference.  It gets inside, and it makes my heart sing.  It helps me to realize how connected we all are.  The music lifts people.  It feels good, really good.  I'm glad Glenn works so hard to share his gifts with us and I'm  SO glad he hasn't given up!  I've always felt the same way about Pete Klein from Blisstique, from the very first note of his music I heard and the very first interaction I had with him on Twitter.  Music that lifts people.  That's regular people, doing what they do.  (Please check these two guys out by the way, more people need to hear!)

 I'm also a loyal Chewstroker to the end.  If you're confused, check out Chewstroke.com.  There are those who would say that the tweets are too abrasive.  I've grown to love the attitude.  When I'm taking life much too seriously, I know exactly what timeline on Twitter to read - and I instantly get over myself.  I love people who tell the unvarnished truth, and so Chewy and Mark will always have a place in my heart.  Lots of people really don' t get it, and that frankly doesn't matter.  Regular people, doing what they do.

Many other everyday people regularly have me in awe, these are just a few gems.  I have written before about my family and friends, who are gifts to me every single day.  There are dozens of other people I interact with all the time, who always stop me in my tracks, just by the way they walk it, you know?   I will always be knocked over by beautiful, everyday people, doing what they do.  And lots of people will think I'm weird because of it.  And that's OK.  

Don't water yourself down.  Just like the people mentioned here, you are a unique gift to the world. You have no idea what effect you have on others.

Love Transformed

There is a silence

Beyond anything you have ever known

There is a longing

Delicious bliss

It lives in every cell

In the ripe, dripping breath

Drawn within, animating you

Making itself known

In every stretch, each step

Sweet, undaunted juicy ache

Skin washed in it 

Transforms the body

The knowing 

Within

Flowing throughout

Body, heart, soul

And eventually

Mind, as one 

Ego's violent death throes 

Giving way to soul's life

Never has there been 

Such intimacy

With one's own soul

And every single soul encountered

All of creation  

Heartbeats joined

Infused, connected

It is all 

So

Very

MUCH

In the best way possible 

5:30

Standing in the bedroom, alone
Skin still too warm
From the work clothes
Now in a pile on the floor
Moving neck and shoulders
Easy circles
Tension release
Throws the hair clip
On the bureau
Ditches the jewelry
Takes a second
Eyes closed
Letting it all fall away
Except for breathing
In, out, in, out
Long hair tickling bare back
Body beginning to cool
Stretching across the bed
Just being

All of it
Floats just slightly out of reach
Lets it stay out there
Like so much flotsam
Finding center
Listening
Heartbeat
Sweet emptiness
Blessed fucking zero
Sacred silence
Nothing, Everything

After a time
Returning
Slowly
Allows the thoughts of the day
To seep back in
To the periphery
Of awareness
A slight discomfort
Like the butterfly
Pushing out into open air

Allowing, releasing, receiving, flowing
Now, yes
Sight finally clear
Heart sight
Standing now
Knowing

The Lily (for pK)

To be a lily
In your garden
Perfectly adorned
In the simple beauty
Of God's light
A smile to greet the day
And in this simple, daily exchange
All the mystery, love and joy
In the Universe

No Quarter

There used to be places to hide
Now
No cover
No quarter
Just stark fear
And even in this
I must consent
Running, quitting
Considered
But always
The truth catches up
There is only
Through
Strange
How the heart grows
Upon standing your ground
A brush of wings
The only refuge
In a time
That uproots
All

The Mirror

Look in the mirror
What do you see?
What happens when you make eye contact
With yourself?
The others you encounter
Day to day
They're also your mirror
A perfect reflection
Of what is within YOU!

The one who is afraid
Of having their dreams come true
Because they fear failure
The person who finds fault
With everyone and everything
So they don't have to get close
Perfect way to avoid being hurt
And have precious control
Sometimes the seeker
Looking for MORE
Who is my Savior?
Where is my Angel?
Who will validate me?
Where can I find the mystical connection?
Oh I'm so empty
Show me, oh please
I KNOW it's you...be that for me!

And we put them on a pedestal
Far above all others
But they're human
Just beautiful, broken people
Trying to make their way

But OH! They've disappointed us
And for this we will hate them forever
Making of ourselves
The perfect victim
Wronged again! I told you it would happen!
And we hold tight to our righteous pain
While the one we elevated so high
Reels in pain, broken after falling
From the high place we put them in
And wounded by our hatred
At their simple, bruised humanity
Bleeding from our rejection
Of the gift they tried to give us

Don't you know?
No one can save you
No one is your angel or your savior
There aren't any gurus or mystics that will help
And those things that make you so angry
The behavior beyond contempt
Everything you say you would never do
Because you're better
You're ABOVE all that, right?!
All of that
Is within YOU
Indeed, it is in your life
Right now
For precisely that reason
Because what you fear
What you despise, what you hate most
Is inside of your OWN heart, soul and psyche
Right now

And until the day
That you can stop
Look yourself in that mirror
Face absolutely all of it
Stop denying it
And then.....
Release it
All of it, no control
Until you are completely, blessedly empty
And just see YOU
Your naked, blessed beautiful Self
Until you face it and release it
None of the chaos will ever stop
And all of the sweet souls you encounter
Dozens of sages and mystics
And hundreds of Angels
Will only be able to stand by
Unable to help you
Powerless to stop the pain and the chaos
Until the day you realize
That you must save yourself

(This poem is written from the perspective of someone looking at themselves in the mirror. In this case, me)

Pandora's Peace

The soul
Intact in the safe place
A beautiful truth
But there is more

Peering out at the world
Surrounded by clouds
Wrapped in cotton
So easily disgruntled

Pandora's on trial
For opening it
Who shall look within?
One to brave the terror?

Arrows sent forth
Always find a mark
Somewhere, a reaction
Quantum physics

Comfortably robed
In righteous anger
Whitewashed with the known
Verdict rendered

Pandora and her ilk
Sit on the ground in rags
Ostracized
Oddly undaunted

Assembling the pretty soul shards
Beautiful, broken, shiny colors
A mandala
We are One

There was no evil
Simply that which was new to our experience
Light and shadow both reveal much
And the little band KNOWS

Nightspell

Will you walk with me at night
Intoxicated by the spring scented air?
I am amazed at the stars
And how we are all made of the same
Might you laugh at me?
The sheer perfection of it
The trees, the breeze
The crickets song
Each breath a miracle
As the sacred night
Kisses warm skin
And hearts beat in unison
Life's music

You Are Enough

Weigh yourself against others
And you will be lost
So many to please
All with a different view
Of who you should be
And the only "right" action to take
As each seeks to make of you
Their mirror
Every choice brings condemnation
Who shall you be?

Count only your ego
As you make your way
Consider no one
And you will cut many
With your thoughtless push
No freedom will you find
From yourself
When you can only hate
What you have become

There will come a day
When you must let go
Of everything
Your striving to please
The need for approval
That cold terror
Of disappearing into complacency
You will forgive them all
And drop all guilt and shame
Forgiving yourself, too
You are empty in that moment
Blessedly void, oh sweet zero!

As you lean in, just slightly
You can hear the whisper of truth
Let it flow
Intuition fueling movement
Compassion and understanding
Blessing all interactions
Integrity and honesty
Keeping the way clear

You are light
You are spirit
The path you walk is yours alone
You live, breathe, connect
Laugh, cry and soar

All you can be
Is you
And, it is enough

Untethered (For dh, mm and bs)

The bravest among us
Walk untethered
While the rest of us
Sit happily in our cozy chains
The ones we chose
Until the day
When we are ready
We decide to break free
Taking those first steps
Heart-stopping wonder
That the world is ours
Standing strong against
The vicious anger
The chained ones level at us
Because we were them
And then
Yes, only then
In that moment
As we take those first steps
Do we realize the gift
That the untethered ones are
In our lives
A gift we could never understand
Until we finally
Took those first steps
On our own

For dh, mm and bs, with love.

Fingernail Moon

I've taken over the bathroom in the basement, and made it my own. This makes it much easier when I return from my morning walks. I couldn't do my walk today, though, because my ankle is still swollen and sore from the concert Tuesday night.  It's getting better and better though, I'll be back out there soon enough.

So, this morning, I put the PJ's back on and opened the door to the outside while I was brushing my hair so it could air dry.  It was still mostly dark, in those few sacred moments just before the dawn.  It rained yesterday and everything had that moist, growing smell to it.  I could hear the birds singing.

The sky was a beautiful shade of night blue, because it was about to lighten with the sun's first rays but the world was still waiting for what was to come.  I understood that feeling.

I looked up at the sky and saw one single star, shining brightly and something else that made me smile.  It was the moon.  When I was very little, I used to call it "the fingernail moon" because of the way it was shaped.

Looking up at that star, and the moon, I drew in several deep breaths, and brought the beautiful morning air into my lungs.

In that moment, I felt completely loved, completely comforted and utterly connected.  Without knowing what specifically comes next, for the first time in so very long, I wasn't afraid.

NEVER BE LESS

Let there never be a day
When you believe your own delusion
No taking the easy way out
Regardless of what people say
Don't give in
When it hurts the most
Fight
We can't become less
Giving up can never be an option
There is no sacrifice too much
When each day, you are MORE
Closer and closer
To your highest self
This
Is truth, is light, is real
Details, situations, obligations exist
Do what you must
Use compassion and love
As you forge ahead
But never be less
NEVER BE LESS
NEVER BE LESS
For an authentic path
Is not an easy road
But the only possible choice
Do you think you were put here
To fit into the worlds limited molds
No
NO
YOU ARE MORE
We are, each of us PURE LIGHT
Belief when worldly details deny you
Choosing the higher road
When pain tells you to HIT
Sure knowledge within
Despite all evidence
Patience because you KNOW
It is yours
Fight
When giving up would be so easy
Integrity
Tells you how to walk
And inspires others
Teachers and help
Are everywhere
If you stay open
No, there is no giving up
Joy in each day
Gratitude for many blessings
Staying in the flow
Trusting the process
Each of us singular, unique
With gifts we must use
And a mission we must BE
No
I will not take my eye
Off that beautiful light
That warms, fuels and inspires

Conduct Unbecoming

The painfully shy child
Kept it all inside
Except to agree
Survival

The woman who
Without realizing
Took the little girl's rules
Into adulthood

The day
When the rules didn't work
Dam broken
Everything rushing out

The spirit, now
Telling the mind, "Peace!"
There is a time to speak
And a time to keep your own counsel

Seek the wisdom
Of your Higher Self
And many, both physical and ethereal
Are here to help

You walk
As she did
Now spouting, chafing, impatient
But still so terrified of offending

You must flow
As the river
Delighted and grateful in the journey
And knowing the destination
Though unseen, is certain

Peace!

Strange Happenings

It's an odd feeling, really
You're just
Doing your thing
Having
A day
And
CLICK
Everything is different
You take a second
What just happened?
Realization
You're not afraid of your past
You're not afraid of the present
You aren't afraid of the future
And for once
You understand
Freefall

Spring's Commingling

Something left behind in the car

Step outside

Wet leaves 

Spring's own breath

Bring it within

Sacred darkness

Majyck

Spirit moves 

Rises

Dancing on the breeze

Cricket sounds

Rhythmic, musical

Sweet lullaby

Abundant life

In the stillness 

Eyes closed

Moist air 

Clings to long hair 

The knowing

Feel the thread 

Pick it up

Oh! Beautiful pain

The truth lives

And so, carried

Cherished treasure 

Light within

Sky above

And earth below

I greet thee 

Flow, as the river 

Movement, free fall

Her only grace now

All efforts at control

Relinquished

A changed soul 

Honors the lessons

Trusting truth

Following the light 

Stumbling, barefoot

Laughing, learning

Finally 

To live 

 

A Woman Rains

Descending from the Berkshires
Taking the long way on purpose
Winding road
Following the river
Rain hitting the car
Music's on
Singing along
I'm raining, too
Just like Gaia
Because sometimes
A woman's heart rains
Not to say it's too much
Not that she can't handle it
It's not even because she CAN handle it
She can, and she does
There are days when a woman rains
Because like Gaia
She's connected with it all

Creation 

Birth and death
Life, people 
All of it
Who we are, what we do
And while she walks and moves
Through life
And in spirit
She feels EVERYTHING
Her triumphs, her falls
And all of yours too
There are times
When there isn't a refuge
A place to pause
And be enveloped in warmth
And so, it's natural
For the rain to fall
Water flows, like the river
Moving, life's journey
Cleansing, freeing rain
A cool, sweet scented breeze follows
And the air is changed
She looks up, seeing the sun
And with a joyful heart
Returns to the beautiful task
Of living, dreaming
Being

Active Hope

Hope.

Hope is a real, tangible thing.  It is a knowledge, deep within you.  It doesn't need evidence, it exists without benefit of sight or touch, it lives inside of each and every one of your cells.  Hope is fed by that light inside, and it changes your world view.

Hope is love in action.  Hope is unlocked when you allow yourself to be secure in the knowledge that something beautiful is yours, right now - regardless of the day's situation, and despite any challenges.  Hope is what gets you up in the morning to work out, to write, or to learn something new.  Hope is the fuel you use to work on your dream while you balance the day to day.

Hope whispers in your ear to take that risk, the one your intuition is screaming at you to take.

Hope.  It's the thing that turns passion into action, and action creates movement, both in the physical practical sense, and in the energetic world.  Action changes the game. Each step taken strengthens that hope.  You rejoice in each day you have been given - even the very worst ones - because each is it's own gift, and those days combined to bring you to this one - the one you are standing in right now.

Hope reminds you, in every moment, that steps taken lead to dreams coming true and to blessings that are already yours right now, whether you can see them or not. Hope feeds all that hard work, especially on the days that you want to give up and make an excuse but you don't - you KNOW who you are. Hope lives in your heart and let's you know "Yes. That's yours. It's real. Don't give up or give in, no matter what."

Hope is an endless supply, within each of us, and it wells up and spills over.  And we give it to others around us, whether by sharing a smile, or lending a hand. By being a voice for change. By truly seeing people. By showing up. Maybe by just silently being there. Sometimes people can lose sight of hope.  When we reach out, we can help them to feel it and let that energy live inside of them again. It's like lighting a candle - your light remains undimmed and now the other is also glowing!   It costs us nothing and makes such a difference to anyone we come in contact with.  Hope is a free commodity, and it can change you, me and our world.

Today, I am grateful for hope.

Hope Lives

As the sun's fire

Touches the morning sky

Crows call in the nearby pines

Patience replaces restlessness

Integrity pushes out easy fixes

Work and truth 

Action 

Remain the beacons

For creating it right

Becoming in each moment

The change you seek

Energy and flow

Connection with All

Belief

Shaping it every day

Hope Lives 

  

Is There A Safe Middle Ground - Thoughts on Bad Corporate Citizens

This afternoon a Facebook post I shared, which was commented on by someone else, got me thinking.  I feel as if there are two schools of thought where corporations like BP, Monsanto or Walmart are concerned. The first says they must be stopped, or made to change their behaviors.  The second school of thought says we can't rock the boat because it's "bad for the economy."

In each case, there is significant evidence to show that these corporations are not....let's go with the corporate euphemism.....they are not "good corporate citizens."  This is all the more ironic since they are considered a "person" under certain statutes of the law.

Another oil spill a few days ago by a BP refinery into Lake Michigan is just the latest in a series of consistent problems from this corporation, despite their lovely commercials. Some people I know haven't even heard of this latest spill.  I guess if it's not coming up on the beaches where you live, it doesn't matter, right?  We certainly found our voices when it came to some windmills on Cape Cod....but since this is Michigan and most of us don't live there....

Monsanto's GMO crops are banned in over 60 countries and here in the United States, they are spending inordinate amounts of money to avoid simply LABELING FOOD AS GMO.   They are also the creators and distributors of herbicides on the market currently linked by scientists to recent problems with severely declining populations of both Monarch Butterflies and bees.  Maybe you aren't worried about Monarch Butterflies, although I am.  You OUGHT TO BE worried about bees.  They pollinate your food supply. Last I heard, Monsanto wanted to sue the entire state of Vermont over labeling.

Walmart seems to be the place to go if you want to save money on your grocery bill, right?  No matter that once again, they have a consistent, ongoing record of problems with how employees are treated and not providing what many of us would consider a decent living wage.

I believe that we have a responsibility to demand that corporations balance profit and being good corporate citizens. This should be a symbiotic relationship.  You are providing jobs and needed services to the community, and conducting business in a responsible, competitive manner that allows for a profit. This provides growth and security to your employees and if applicable, your shareholders.

We have every right as citizens to expect and demand that corporations operate in our communities in a manner that takes into account the decent treatment of each human being, basic health and safety, and environmental concerns.  If they are not, we must demand change.  If our elected officials cannot or will not help us to make this happen, then we do not re-elect them.  We ask questions. We find out who is financing what and for whom?  Who is donating to what campaigns?

What corporations have former government officials worked for, officials who are now making decisions that benefit their former place of employment?  This isn't paranoia, it's a matter of public record. Do what I've done. Look it up, check sources. Care.

I am tired of hearing that we can't do anything about this.  I'm sick of everyone saying the economy will come crashing down if we stop subsidizing big oil, put controls on big oil's day to day operations, raise the minimum wage, or put limitations on Monsanto simply because we want to know what we are eating.

Let me get this straight.  We can put people in space, manipulate the workings inside a single human cell and map DNA.  But it's COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to expect that changes be made requiring corporations to be good corporate citizens and stop them from doing things that are detrimental to our health, our environment and in violation of basic human decency?

That's bullshit, pure and simple.

And I feel that we are being willing little sheep if we are not taking it upon ourselves to be informed, to not get stuck on party lines and demand change.  We can vote, we can peacefully protest, we can help inform people, we can write letters, we can make calls.  AND WE CAN STOP SUPPORTING THESE CORPORATIONS AND THEIR PRODUCTS if they refuse to change.  Without the people supporting them, they'd all be done.  Maybe a few of us can't do anything. But millions of ONES can.

If I got you angry with this, good.  I meant to. Call me unrealistic.  Tell me I don't have all the facts. But if you're thinking about it at least, it's a start.

I WILL

I am learning that life is an act of will, followed by getting off your ass and moving.  Thus, I will:

Sit on the beach with little kids and make a sandcastle

Walk slowly through a warm green morning, enjoying the beauty of the day, sipping coffee

Spend an entire Sunday lying around naked, listening to music

Wander through museums for hours, taking all the unscheduled hours I wish, to really be with all that I see

Write even more stupid, lousy poetry because it feels good

Listen to more live music because it's good for the body and the soul

Keep my hair ridiculously long no matter what people think about what's proper for my "age group"

See art everywhere

Be awed at the truth that artists reveal, and all the ways they do it

Help artists whenever I can because they remind us why we're here

Be moved to tears and laughter by everyday interactions

Embrace my passionate nature instead of  hiding it

Laugh, laugh and laugh some more

Kiss as if my life depended on it

Continue to embrace change with my actions and not just my words

Be the queen of flip flops and a tank top

Be 49 and sexy.

Accept my past, even the colossal failures

Go where the flowers are. See them, smell them, take a million pictures, plant them, love them, grow them because they make my heart sing

Be completely "out" at all times about being a crazy, witchy, pagan, earth spirit, angel freak

Create something every day

Stop looking for validation from outside or upside.  If it's right, it's right and it doesn't matter what others think, or what the little fearful voice inside thinks. I am connected and I WILL make the decision. Regardless of the outcome, I am still connected. So I choose to live, and love.

Remember that the odds don't matter.

Never again give up something beautiful because of fear.

Literally hug trees

Go where my heart and soul lead me, no matter what

Forgive others

Forgive myself

Wander around in the woods even more than I already do

Do Reiki daily

Always do my morning and evening rituals

Sing as often as possible

Perform random acts of kindness every day

Be thankful for all of the people I am blessed to know

Remember my wings

Stand in my personal power

Call Michael if I am scared

Paint, color, sculpt, or any other art form I want to try. Not because I am especially talented. Just because creating feels good and frees up energy.

Discard and donate what is not needed

Be compassionate and loving but firm when change must occur, so that I may help others to adjust.

Stop with the white knuckled control deal

Make full eye contact even more

Have fun 

Skinny Dip

Go Zip lining!

Walk the beach

Enjoy classic movies

Sit by streams, rivers and lakes 

Believe

What are you going to do!?

The Sea Speaks

Yesterday

Standing by the ocean

Silenced by the beauty

And the power

I could only think

Regardless of what we do

The waves come

Relentless 

They cannot be stopped

And I knew in that moment

The lesson the Mother had for me

Was the same

Consistent

Relentless

True

Power in being that which you are 

And I knew then 

As never before 

All will be

There is no stopping the sea

Love In The Rain

Dark room
Rain on the roof
The sound, rhythmic
Closing my eyes
I can smell the rain
Walking in it, smiling
A warm spring day
All the growing things
Release their essence
Breathing in, you too are ecstasy
One with it all
The delicious music, plop! plop! plop!
Rain on the leaves
The flowers in the garden
Their faces, open in joy
As the rain falls on them
It is as if all of creation is love
Making love
As are we
 

Some Days are Red

Some days are red
Drenched in color
Rolling, naked across blank canvas
Burning like fire
Never extinguished
Each day
Another skin shed
Essence remains
Blessedly empty
But not hungry or in need
Eyes clear
Sight within
Oh yes
Some days are red 

Spring Ahead

When you insist that life is a battle
You never know the gift in surrendering yourself
Believe in your heart they will fail you
And they will, over and over
Keep applying the gas and the brakes at the same time
You'll keep moving in circles and burn out
Decide it's too big of a risk
And your losses will triple
Afraid of getting hurt?
You'll bleed worse than you could imagine
Convince yourself nothing is real
And suddenly, you're right. Nothing is.

No.

Life is messy.
We fall
We get hurt
We screw up stupendously
Setbacks
Roadblocks

I don't know much, aside from the fact that I know nothing

But experience has taught me this.

Life is for living
I don't want safety
I don't need guarantees, there aren't any
I'm jumping into the waves
Leaping off the cliff
My wings will grow on the way down
I'll get dirty
Act silly
Take risks
Laugh
Cry
Fall 
Bleed
Dance 
Sing
Make love
Listen to my heart
Do what feels right
Enjoy what feels good
Have FUN

Live

Bless each and every one of you reading this.  Every day is a miracle.  Be YOU.

Possible

Perhaps then
The gift I have given
Is that now you know
It is possible
And on the day
That it comes again
And you embrace it
May every joy be yours

At Last

When truth walks
When integrity has a voice
When passion is in every action
When strength is shown in belief, hard work and heart
There is love
There is home

Connection

When not rushing
No longer means hesitation
When you know, inside
It lives within you
Part of you
Like your cells
Or your own breath
There's a curious lack of panic and worry
It makes you smile, the sweet peace of it
Because
It is
No need to question
That which has existed
Over many lifetimes
Pure blissful fact
Intertwined
Giving life, one to the other
It can only grow and bless
In this lifetime
And the next

Purgatory

A place of uneasy comfort
Simple complexity
Empty fullness
Days like cotton blankets
Awakening too warm
A land of observation
Of steps taken
Gratitude for unseen blessings
On their way
Past lives cremated
New life waits to be born
Just slightly out of reach
But certain
Learned patience
The skin waits to sing its song
Steady heart's fire within
Purgatory
Longing for release
The soul within
Whispers
Peace....
Soon!

The Unplan

I think maybe
You don't try and control it
Can't predict ahead of time
What the outcome will be
No risk means no dream
No dream is soul death
Clear intent
What will it be like
When you're inside of it
But beyond that
You just let go
Lean in a bit
Trust it
Patient immovable belief
Daily gratitude
Integrity, truth in action
Anything can happen
Own that

Gift

It's not a way out.
It doesn't relieve your burdens.
It isn't going to complete you.
It won't define you.
You won't be able to use it
To "find yourself"
It's a soul
A human being
Unique and beautiful
With joys and pain
Precious and free
Sweetest gift to encounter
Just LOVE them

Love Letter to Everyone

If you will be you
I think that would be
Most certainly
Beautiful
And I
I will be me
It's taken some time
But I suspect
Just maybe
That's beautiful, too
I don't want to hold you back
You don't have to twist yourself
Into a pretzel
No need to impress
Because I see souls
And yours is stunning
You are light, energy
You are joy
I love
Your triumphs
And those other times
That you consider
Your worst screw ups
I love the entire thing
The whole entire you
You are a part of it
All That Is
Will you ever see yourself
The way I do?
Watching you
Reminds me
Of my wings
And of the bright flame within
And I want to be
My very, very best self
So I can help
Creation
In every little moment
Not everyone understands
Some will criticize
I get that
Woman
Mother
Witch
Pagan
Freak
Whore
Writer
Faker
Friend
Angel
Goddess
So, on the outside
No one sees anything unusual
Nothing so special
When they look at me
And that's OK
But, oh!
When I look at all of you
I see
The Entire Universe

Who is she writing this to?
Who does she love this much?

Everyone

And sometimes who I am scares people off
And that's OK

You can stick around
While I work it out
Or you can laugh
Point, say I'm a freak
Or maybe list my mistakes
And say, "what an idiot"
And walk away

It's OK

I love you

Spellbound (Pearl of Life)

A braid
A feather
Glimpses of wild things
In-drawn breath
Helter Skelter thoughts
A hand touches the water
Clear and cold
Falling like sparkling diamonds
Blossoms
Spinning, whirring
Open
Flowing
Warm, beating
Devoid of fear
No restriction
Sweet scent
Delicious, abiding
Magic and joy
Playing and soaring
Like the little winged ones
Unparalleled
Pearlescent glow
In your palm
Yet surrounded
Life
From within
Touch it
Breathe it in
Make love to it
Intertwined
Heart racing
Spirit soaring
Alive

Wings

Sitting in the middle   

Of what has always been my life

Yet

Connecting with  

Something Much More

Knowing

Unexpectedly

The road is mine

No longer afraid

Of myself, or others

Acceptance of the past

Glad of the gifts received

In days both light and dark

The days of being paralyzed

By consequence

Long over

Time is relative

Being now

Seeing past, present

And future

A pull, strong call

Clear sight

A gift from the winged ones

And The Goddess

Within 

Filled to overflowing

Enough to share

And then some

Brightest flame  

The Protector's voice reminds me

STAND!

Unfurl your wings and soar!

Nothing Wasted

I'm learning
There's no embracing your light
If you run from your darkness
No possibility of wholeness
While you ignore your brokenness
Fearlessness doesn't come
From ignoring what scares you the most
On the contrary
I am finding
There's a great deal of power
And a freedom of spirit
Found in diving deep into your darkness
Accepting and even loving what you find
Not hiding from what's broken
And staring right at your fear
Everything I talked about
But only scratched the surface of
There was so much more
Journeying to your dark
Making it just as much a part of you
As your light
There is no "good" or "bad"
Only who you are
A full complete being
With no excuses, and no apologies
Transformation

Freedom
Finally
Just
Being

Mindful

Alarm goes off
Awake
The feeling of the warm bed
The sound of my breathing
Walk downstairs
Toes on carpet
Cat rubs against my leg
Hot shower water on my skin
Goosebumps when I step out
Fuzzy towel comfort
The brush through my hair
Cold kitchen floor
Big puffy chair supporting my back
Feet pushing into slippers
Hot coffee going down
Eyes closed
No thinking
Just in the right now

Within

The world
Pulling, prodding
Standing
Connected to all
But solitary, self-contained
Receptive
Observing
Spontaneous
I Am within
Reaching, stretching
The dance
Touching ecstasy
Burning inside
Brightest flame
Stand in your power
Never extinguished
Truth
In every atom
Permeates all
Glad of it
It's in your eyes
In the wind
The trees and rocks
Reaching, dancing
Swaying
Angel wings, opening
Peace
Strongest heart's desire
To share it
All of it
Spinning
Flowing
Intertwined
Breathing as one
In the place between
Night's sacred cloak
And the birth of dawn
Between this life
And the next
In this place
Where souls soar
We lift one another
Energy
Truth
Love

Within all

Spilling Over

A heart, hardened
Creates weakness
Closed the windows
Slamming doors
Voluntary blindness
Sat in the judges seat over others
Found myself lacking
Spewing angry words
Finding that despite the sorrow
They can never be taken back
Sought protection and solace
In being hard and unfeeling
And, yet
Strength, yes
Even power
Found in being
Soft

Yes
In feeling
Everything
Openness, receptivity
Strength in what many would call "weakness"
Many things in life can take you out
Love among them, if you let it
But it doesn't have to
And denial does you no good
Eats you alive
Until there's nothing left
When you let yourself be
And face
Every Goddamned Thing
And everything that means
Including forgiveness
For yourself
And every last one of them
Accept
Even REJOICE
In who you are
No hiding
Then you're free
To love others
Exactly where they are

Free to live your life
Without fighting
No excuses
Grabbing each day
And french kissing it
Until your toes curl  

Letting life enter you 
Seeing what's good
And knowing that's for you
And then you're spilling over
So you pour it on everyone else
Because you've got it to spare!
Feels
AMAZING
But none of that can happen
Until YOU
Accept and like YOU
No one else can make you alright, you know
You do that.
It's inside you. Everything you need.
Connect.
You are worth it
Beautiful, precious
You 

Heart

In the deepest places
Within the heart
Depth beyond experience
There is a love
More profound
Than anything you thought
Was possible

Love
Beyond expectation
Devoid of need
Unwilling to judge
Fulfilled in the simple joy
Of flowing freely

Complete acceptance
Of the self
And others

Breadth and scope
Beyond comprehension
Yet inside of me
Born of connection
With All That Is
Seeing, knowing
Loving and cherishing
Each life
No matter what

Beautiful, precious
Every life
Without exception
As you are
Right now

A love of such soaring joy
Unfathomable depth
Intensity that would easily end me
But for the Help I receive

In hitting bottom
Releasing
Every
Last
Thing
Finding within
That which was never found
Without

A Beginning

Saturday morning
Cold day outside
The air smells like snow
Greeting friends online
The cat stops by
Hey! I'm here!
And I give him some attention
Family is all off
Doing their Saturday things
I'm sipping hot coffee
Munching on breakfast
And yet
There's so much more
Tomorrow
I'll walk alone through the woods
Enjoying the snowy silence
Of my holy places
Never alone
Always
Connected
All over this world
People
Some of them are OK
And some of them
They're not OK, you know
So many are cold
Hungry
Unloved
Hurt
And our Mother
We use what we need
Scarring our world
Creating a selfish today
And borrowing from tomorrow
That which we do not have
And should not want
While Mother cries
And we are fat and comfortable
Ignoring our brothers and sisters
At the cost our our own humanity
Loss of the soul
The spirit dries up
Blackened and dead
Only the shiny things
Will bring comfort
Bring me more!
Grasping for the empty things
When such treasure is all around us
There is such joy
Wisdom
If we watch
The other creatures
We share our home with
Truly we are connected with them
They have much to teach us
But we exploit them, too
Like everything else
And it seems too big
It's so much
How can we ever change it
I know some
Who tell me
Every day
In conversation
And on line
That there's nothing you can do
And to you
I say
NO
NO
NO
No. I will not believe
That I am empty
That WE are empty
Beyond hope
So lost in our pretty toys
And our comforts
That we cannot change this
We CAN change it
Do you understand
Can you see
Please, please
Take a moment
To become quiet
And KNOW
YOU
You are a part of All That Is
People
All people
Why do we judge each other?
And fear each other?
All of the living creatures
Plants
The wild places
Spend some time
With a child
In any wild place
And see it through their eyes
And be renewed
And so
Tomorrow
While I am in the woods
In the silent, snowy cathedral
Only my own footsteps making a sound
I will know this
All of this
And more
And it will seem like it can't be changed
But it is in those moments
That I know
If I change ME
It is a beginning

Cosmos In A Cubicle

Bangin' out spreadsheets and emails
Checkin' out a friend's podcast
Mind wanders
Higher
Fingers on automatic
Ticky-ticky-typie
I'm somewhere else
I can hear my friend's voice
Like background music
Is this the past
Maybe I'm in the future
I guess it's RIGHT NOW
Wow
All three are true
And I get it
No, I mean I get
IT
Everything
I can see all of it
Laughing
Crying
The worst times
And the highs
And I'm not pulled in
I'm sort of just
Watching me
My life, I mean
Like a movie
Still, with the voices
And office noises
Talking and laughing
In the background
There aren't any cliches
Explanations
Justifications
So weird
How breakthroughs happen
At the strangest
Most unexpected moments
Precipitated by
WHAT?
And I'm just ME
And it's all just one
ONE
Time is irrelevant
Just sitting here
Suddenly
With this
CONCEPT
or
UNDERSTANDING
That I'll never describe
Do I have tomorrow?
Who the fuck knows
Do you?
It doesn't matter
I'm right here
Right now
Tomorrow
I might be here
Or a new road
Will open
Energy
Does that
Everything
Just EVERYTHING
Changes
No matter how precious
Especially
If you hang on
So
Here I am
And this moment
Which is yesterday
Today
And tomorrow
All at once
I'm breathing
I think
And whatever happens
I know now
Nothing will take me down
I'll go where the energy takes me
Because it feels good
When I do that
I'm not afraid
Did you hear that?
Because I said that
And I fucking meant it
So bring it
Universe
Bring it
And you'll either break me
Or I'll change the cosmos
Either way

Let's go!