I started a journey, last September. One of my best friends, Becky, remembers this quite clearly, because she was there for the start of this "trip". The beginning; a phone call telling her I needed to get out of the house, and a weekend of kick-ass music and more than a bit to drink.
That weekend, referred to as "Joe Perry Weekend" because we saw him crazy close up, free, at a small venue in Vermont at a fund raiser, started the beginning of what has been.....what we will call an
interesting time for everyone in my life.
Since September of 2011, I have:
1. Firmly decided that I'm not Catholic and left the church
2. Established that all I DO know about spirituality is "there's isn't just nothing."
3. Took stock of my career (?) and decided it was literally killing me
4. Found a crazy affinity / mad love for social media which I am turning INTO my new career
5. Reaffirmed that I like sex. A lot. Really.
6. Put in place a tradition of going out for live music on Friday nights, preferably Blues or Rock
7. Perfected my eating habits in light of discovering that I have celiac disease
8. Honestly admitted to myself that I have "outgrown" many aspects of my life
9. Gave myself permission to avoid toxic people and not feel badly about that
10. Gave myself permission to use the phrase, "I am a poet" and actually believe that.
11. Developed the beginning of what is turning into a crazy hatred for the TV which is only getting worse.
12. Made the discovery that I like whiskey. High-end whiskey is best, but Jack Daniels is just fine!
To quote a good friend, who calls herself "the girl who likes her little box and wants to stay in there" , she called me the one who wants to think outside of the box, turn it into a triangle, or just tear it up and throw it out.
That was really funny for me to hear, since in retrospect I don't think that I've done anything outrageous. I guess that's just a testimony to how completely fucking stopped up I was. Girl in the plastic bubble much?
In a way, it's a little hard to share this. I mean.....hello....walking cliche, right? Gal spends 40+ years of her life doing everything she is "supposed to" and wakes up one day and wants more? Frankly, it's not just a little embarrassing. But, you know something? I've encountered so many other women that are going through the same thing. Worth exploring - how and why do we do this to ourselves and each other?
It's taken me a very long time to get to this point, but I am not hiding anymore. That's the biggest part of this journey. This is me. Take it, or fucking leave it. And that's important. I have also given myself permission to not have in my life ANYONE who can't accept me for who I am and permission to act on that. Handing myself that key has been instrumental in moving forward.
So far, I've been so lucky, my family and friends have taken all the "new things" I'm doing and saying and just keep on "rolling with it." That's pretty cool, I have to say. I'm very lucky.
Lucky and grateful. In my efforts to make all these changes, I have also made some messes. People I love going without a call or word from me for months, harsh words to people around me due to holding back too long, mixed messages to amazing new people in my life, and ignoring things I needed to address in favor of "fun" activities. If you're reading this you may be one of those who are painfully aware of my messes from this past year. Several of you have responded to the cluster-fuck that I have been for the past 10 months with such encouragement, forgiveness and grace that I cannot be anything but filled with gratitude. Your light during this time has been instrumental in my coming out the other side.
So, now as we approach the 1 year mark since "Joe Perry Weekend", I'm taking stock.
I am so happy with so much that is going on right now. I'm working for a friend who is a musician, handling all of his social media for him. Things are going amazingly well for him right now, and the synchronicity is simply staggering. I've already had several other "random" conversations and leads that have fallen in my lap that have made it abundantly clear that being a "Social Media Consultant" really can happen for me and is going to become what I make of it. This has gone a long way toward giving me hope as far as my feelings about my traditional, cubicle based 9-5 position.
My writing is a key part of who I am, and that will always be a part of my life. The time I now put aside every week to honor that is going to continue. I am going to be submitting some of my poetry for publication. I realize from published poets I've spoken to that this takes some doing, but nothing worth having is easy. I'm not giving up.
My obsession with music, live and otherwise isn't going anywhere - music is my other oxygen and I can't imagine my life without it. It colors everything I do.
The last several weeks have really been the beginning of a new phase. I have spent so much time excavating, but didn't have the courage to move my ass. Every time I got close to anything that made my heart beat faster, things I knew were worth looking further at - I'd get scared - pull back - and let it go. It has happened over and over in my life. Then I'd walk around filled with regret at the missed opportunity. Not tough to analyze that - it's easy when everything is in the "I'm going to" stage and you haven't started - you haven't RISKED anything and you haven't FAILED.
Several of you have inspired me so much in this area. You're just completely balls-to-the-wall committed to the thing you love. You put everything on the line for it. Your commitment, encouragement, and sometimes your contempt and annoyance, even anger with me have taught me a lot about.......my life as a chicken-shit.I can't watch you guys and not want a piece of that for myself.
So the last few days have been filled with emails, phone calls, and follow ups on the things I'm passionate about, things that will move me forward Perhaps I'll fall on my face, maybe a few times. But I can't keep sitting here doing nothing, either. What was the point of excavating and facing all that if I'm going to stay paralyzed, and take no action?
It's been an eventful year. I didn't even scratch the surface of everything else that was happening with myself and those I love during this time - layoffs, epic financial issues, cancer, surgery, break-ups, make-ups, shocking unexpected death, tear-filled conversations, life-long friendships frayed, almost lost, and recovered.....
Yeah, I've got no clue what happens next. My hope...no let's rephrase. Hope only works if it's accompanied by action - so my PLAN is to keep moving forward and hopefully while making significantly less of a mess. I'm going to be "unapologetically me" and see who can handle it. That's all I can do.
For those who have been any part of the last 10 months, I raise my shot of Jack in a toast. Here's to you....and here's to me! Cheers!
