Many of us wear "busy" like a badge of pride. It defines us, gives us parameters and if we can claim it for our own, we know that we are being productive human beings. Or, perhaps we simply think this is what we're "supposed to be" doing. Relaxing, slowing down, being deliberate about how we live, that's all for weekends and vacations, right?
There are a few who truly do well in that fast paced, never stopping, multitasking high level projects world. They're hard wired to be able to thrive there, and I never cease to be awed in watching them.
I've spent the better part of my adult life honestly believing there was something wrong with me because of my difficulty in reaching that lofty goal. I've always learned quickly, but when it comes to doing something or working my way through a process, I work differently. My natural inclinations and skills are emotional, intuitive and creative. I'm not logical and I'm not remotely linear. I'm always going to go off the path and wander around everywhere, whether it's physically, mentally or spiritually.
I don't want to keep my thinking "inside the box". It scares me to think there even IS a box.
I remember on several occasions during my childhood, my parents were told that I was a good student, but definitely a "daydreamer." I loved playing with my friends, I was one who chose to be close to only one or two, but I was equally comfortable being by myself.
I've taken every class you can think of, I've been trained, cultured, semi-brainwashed (thanks BofA?), and have learned every trick and tactic in the book. I've had dozens of amazing bosses and mentors. I've been walking up this hill since 1982, when I started in the file room at the Paul Revere Insurance Company and was the only one there who couldn't "make incentive" because I filed the apps too slow. I couldn't find the number sequences on the files on the shelves fast enough to pull or file at light speed like the others did. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with me, I got all the way to Algebra II & Trig in high school, why am I so slow at this?"
Out of sheer repetition, I learned to survive in cubicle world. I have lived with a consistent sense of being a fake, a fraud, of not being good enough because I knew how much effort I was expending just to be passable, mediocre. I was happy to be able to support my family but the toll it took on me on a day to day basis created a hate-hate relationship with work. I could see that no one else seemed to have this problem, and I felt guilty about my lousy attitude. Despite kick-ass amazing coworkers and some wonderful bosses, every job has been just a paycheck, a way to avoid being homeless.
I've used every self-help and spiritual method you could think of to try and "fix myself", so that I could straighten up, fly right, be efficient, be happy. I've done counseling, I tried anti-depressants once, I thought I had ADD at one point. I just wanted to be able to go in to work and do well without half killing myself in the process, I wanted to be the good little worker bee, so it wouldn't hurt anymore.
My family and friends know about my lifelong "tude" where work is concerned and they've always just been patient and supportive. What else were they going to do? There didn't seem to be a way to make me happy, or a suggestion that worked. They've tried to help.
It happens outside of the workplace, too. Times when we've redone a mortgage, made a major puchase, or when I've done our taxes have shown me that I do much better with large amounts of deadline oriented paperwork if I can sit and focus, uninterrupted and do them at my speed, my illogical way.
As a mom, I was always more on the unconventional side. I explained why I wanted my kids to do something, instead of just saying "because I said so." I got some flack for that, but I wouldn't change a thing I did. The laundry wasn't always folded, but my boys remember hanging out together, going on day trips, and singing along to classic rock together in my Blazer S-10. I couldn't get my brain around spending time making things look nice when I could be having fun with them. The housework could wait until later. Hell, it's still waiting.
That's when I get into trouble, when I try to put all those "shoulds" on myself. My teacher at the Temple of Witchcraft told us "never should on yourself" and I absolutely love this. Someone buy me the T-shirt. Over the years when I tried to be linear-barbie-robot and get the entire house sparkling clean, relatives visited, errands run, and all the bills paid on a Saturday were the times I was completely freaking out, and losing my cool. I desperately needed to stop, evaluate, slow down, I needed to be able to say NO to some things and I needed to do things my way, in my time frame. But, I felt as if that were unacceptable. I felt like I was unacceptable for feeling that way.
I'm 50 years old. I am just figuring out now that there's nothing wrong with me. I don't need to be fixed. I don't need to change who I am. I am not stupid, or slow. I am not a failure. I'm not lazy. I am not a loser. I don't have emotional problems. I do not need to be counseled out of this. I do not need medication.
I'm wired differently. Charles Emerson Winchester III summed it up on M*A*S*H - "I do one thing at a time, I do it well, and then I move on." I always thought Charles was a pompous windbag but it didn't matter - I loved that line because it describes how I operate at my best. All these years later, I am still quoting it because THAT'S ME.
I love when I am able to do one thing at a time, slowly and deliberately. I like to be completely in the moment I am sitting in. I don't think it's necessary to fill every single second of the day with activity. It makes me feel like an animal in a very, tiny tight cage. I need time to think, to breathe. I like to have space in the day to simply sit and exist, without a task that needs to be done. I like to simply sit and witness the fact that I exist and not feel as if I need to do anything at all. Sitting curled up with a great book or a classic old movie sounds to me like a fantastic way to spend time.
I'll always be grateful for these years of "square peg/round hole" where I was running around in linear land. I use those skills when I am working on my goals to expand my learning in healing modalities and herbalism so I can eventually open my own store. I use them when Rob and I handle our bills and paperwork, or when I show my son how to do his taxes. I still use them at work in my current job. So I can go visit linear land and use the skills when I need them. It's a nice place to visit, but I don't want to live there. It isn't me.
But I have to tell you, to be 50 years old and for the very first time in your life to know that you're OK, you're not less than, and the way you are is something to be celebrated, not forced out of you - well it's pretty freeing.
Over the past few years I have found my voice. And so now, I'm building a life, day by day, that makes sense with the flow of who I am and what my skills, abilities and passions are. I'm not the silent girl anymore who just assumes I have to fix myself. I don't shoot through life like an arrow. I meander. And that's ok.
And for anyone else who is wired differently, who meanders? I hope you see this and know that you're ok too. We are beautifully and wondrously made, each and every one of us, regardless of how we do this walk. So for all of my fellow meanderers, please know you're OK exactly the way you are. Make this YOUR way, babies. You do not need to change.
I was the dream killer who told my youngest, who loves music, that he couldn't make money that way and needed to do something that would make certain he could support himself. My sweet son is non-linear too. I would give anything to take that conversation back. I consider it to be the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I told him to go be a cog in the machine, when I knew he wasn't that person. Every time I think about it, my heart hurts for what I did to him.
There's still time. For him, for me, for any of us who are wired differently. We have a right to build what works for us. Sometimes people aren't going to be okay with that, and that's OK. We can be firm and loving but we must be steadfast in remaining true to who and what we are.
Love to all,
Beth
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