Creation, Darkness and the Scribe

This morning, I have been thinking about creation, darkness and in a very microcosm/macrocosm kind of way, how that relates to each of us, specifically those who write.

I just finished reading an article posted by a good friend and writer that mentioned the Egyptian god Thoth.  So, as I was getting ready for work, my thoughts were around both writing, as well as around creation.

I found myself thinking that Creation "wrote itself" and that from this came the amazing order of all things. The Universe is always creating itself, and there is a stunningly beautiful, mathematical precision in this. For those who have worked with Archangel Metatron this is a subject that holds special fascination, and defies description in many ways.

So for the writer, or the scribe, your job is to "write yourself", thereby to understand the order of YOU and to continue to participate in Creation, to chronicle this, as well as to aid others in gaining understanding.

From a scientific standpoint, we know that all things created are made of the same basic components. I started to think of how amazing it is that somewhere in what has been referred to as chaos or darkness there existed all of the components that were needed to create everything that we know. A delicious cosmic soup that contains all things, how wonderful!

So we can see that darkness and light are actually one, and order and chaos are actually one as well. And in the same way that creation continues to "write itself" and cannot help but move, develop, and change, so we too participate in this Creation every day, each one of us.

If I wasn’t heading off to work, I would absolutely love to take hours to go down several rather inviting rabbit holes that this thought process invites. Later, perhaps.

For those that have the soul of a writer, in whatever way that is a part of you, we give birth to many things through the written word. We create and write ourselves each day. We chronicle this for ourselves, and for others. This aids in clarity and understanding. The work of the scribe has always been sacred, and it will continue to be so.

Everyday Miracles

I do love those "mountaintop" spiritual moments, the ones that shift everything, and you are never the same. I am blessed to have experienced many of them. I will always be glad for these times.

I think for me, though, one thing that got lost in the shuffle of every day life for a few years there was finding the sacred in the every day.  

For much too long I moved far too quickly, filling my time with too much.  What did setting personal boundaries look like? How do you navigate the waters of crafting a life that honors your own true rhythms and ways, and the sacred that is all around us and within us?  

I am learning this skill set and it’s lessons very late, I will be 54 years old next month. In refusing these lessons for so many years, my body has now conspired to force the lessons to happen. The last few months have been profoundly difficult physically, but I can only be thankful. There are so many insights that I have right now that I never would’ve had if I did not have these past few months of challenges.

Physical pain and fatigue, when it reaches a certain level, can definitely change your perspective in many ways.  

So for me, yes, those mountaintop experiences are amazing. I’m quite grateful for them. 

But lately, I am far more focused on the beauty in every day moments. 

Preparing a meal for loved ones, and then sitting around the table laughing and sharing it. Between work shifts and arthritis I haven’t cooked very often in the past few years. And I’m physically not able to fully be in charge of all of our meals anymore. But lately I do often prepare a meal on Sundays and it feels sooooo good to enjoy sharing this again! 

Coming home from work Monday through Thursday and having a hot meal waiting for me, complete with everything cut up for me. The warm food prepared by Rob exactly the way I love and need it is one of my favorite things at the end of the work day. 

Watching Christmas shows with my husband. 

Having a challenging day, and experiencing the grace of best friends encouragement. 

Drinking coffee, and writing in my journal in the morning.

Meditation.

Writing letters, reading.

Allowing time for naps.

Finding endless small ways to show love, such as picking up an item from the store that someone needs, making something special for somebody, or forwarding a cool article or song to a loved one that you know they’ll love.

"Living room talk." I absolutely love sitting in my cozy warm living room at the end of the day, and catching up with family. I love hearing how everyone’s day went, and just experiencing the beauty and joy of those interactions.

Finding delight in the dozens of things that your family does for you every day automatically, that you don’t even think of sometimes. I notice those things now.

The habits and traditions that are the earmarks of life with family and friends. The amazing delight in repeating these things. The light that goes on in your loved one eyes, the smile that graces your friends face when you repeat these things together, time after time. This is when hearts beat as one and love flows the most freely.

Sitting with clients doing a reading for them, and the joy as they connect with Spirit and get exactly what they need. I am so happy to step aside and watch as this little miracle happens. I love this work! 

I had a friend who was in my life for a couple of years, and then when she broke up with a dear friend, she moved away. I haven’t seen her for a few years, since she moved. She had the most exquisite gift of hospitality, welcoming, and of warmth. I have rarely seen another person who could prepare a simple snack and a cup of tea and sit around the table with you, and make such an atmosphere of comfort, welcoming, and warmth. The simple, open way that she presented herself, her home, and the way she welcomed people was a rare gift. I have, since that time, endeavored to take a page from Eileen‘s book.

I think of her sometimes as I find the earmarks of joy in the mundane things in every day life, because she had such a gift for that. It reminds me of growing up in the 1970s when time to stop, and interact over tea and to have conversation and connect was a more common occurrence. There was space in life for it.

I’m glad that mountaintop experiences happen. But for me, the past few months, sacredness, the Divine, holiness… It is in the small incredibly beautiful details of every day life. It is a complete shift from the striving, scrapping, trying so hard energy that I have been in for so long that said that I had to keep trying to get "there" wherever the heck that was.

I understand that a lot of that comes from being an arthritis warrior. My dad was. I am. I think sometimes that both he and I have had a habit of fighting so hard that we haven’t always known when to stop pushing. I’m learning now, when to stop, and it’s good.

I have come to believe that tomorrow is built on the exquisite love and wonder of the moment we are standing in. I have learned that the Divine is in the every day. And I have come to be able to see sacredness in holiness everywhere around me. So, yeah. It isn’t any fun occupying this body at the present moment. But in her rebellion over the past few months, my body has given me a gift that I frankly would never have slowed down long enough to see, if she didn’t do what she did. So I can only be strangely, unexpectedly, completely grateful.

Little One (A dream about Patrick)

You came to me in a dream last night
Even though you are with me every day
A part of the rhythm of my life 
It was a much younger version of you
But I knew
I was trying to get some things done
Struggling and distracted, as always
You went outside to look for treasures
I kept doing all the things, the list is endless
You came back inside, upset
You couldn’t find anything good
We went outside together
And crouched in the sand
Your sweet little chubby toddler hands
Holding a paper cup
We found pretty rocks
And lots of glass marbles
Looking at each one
The world was just us
And the rocks, marbles and sand
"Look at all the wonderful treasures!" I said to you.
You looked up at me, and said "I guess I did a lot for you."
As our eyes met, I realized I was waking up.
Becoming aware that I was cold, I pulled the covers up over my shoulders. I laid there in the dark, waiting for the alarm clock.
I kept replaying it in my head. Crouching in the sand, looking for treasures. A perfect moment. Nothing else was needed.
"I guess I did a lot for you" you said.
And all I could think of, laying there waiting for the alarm was, "Have you not known the wonder that you are?

Living Life Consciously

A recent conversation on a "Bookaholics" page I belong to got me thinking. We were discussing how Amazon and other on line retailers are making it difficult for brick and mortar stores to survive. The discussion started because of multiple recent articles about Barnes & Noble and their struggles to remain a player in the market.

I know for me, part of the pull of Amazon is the ease and convenience. But it's too damned convenient. I don't really need to order every fabulous book I hear about. But it's so easy on Amazon. My card is attached, I have the app, so I can just look it up and zoom, less than 3 minutes later, it's on order. This isn't always necessary nor financially sound. Often I've ordered while scarfing my lunch at work, or in the midst of watching the news in the morning with Hubs, in other words, only part of my mind is on it. Now, I am working at being more conscious, more present about my purchases.

This is my new tactic. I'm not ordering anything from Amazon (or other online retailers) while I'm doing a bunch of other things. I have a little notebook that I keep my "to be read" list in. I add good prospects to it. Now I'm checking the list from time to time, then deciding between used bookstores, B&N, Amazon Prime, or Kindle. Hubs and I used to sometimes like to go to B&N to relax, chat and have coffee. I would pick out books then, since I have always had the membership. I am finding I miss the actual process of going to the bookstore and relaxing as I browsed books.

Not just ordering on autopilot is good on more than one level. I'm finding it's keeping me more on track with how I spend, as well as bringing me back to a time when I set aside time for reading and also for browsing and purchasing books, not just mindlessly ordering, which I will fully admit I was definitely doing. It's slowing me down and frankly making it more FUN again because it's something to look forward to, and to enjoy and experience, instead of being a mindless purchase plopped on top of the "To Be Read" pile when I open the box.

This online discussion got me thinking in larger/broader terms about related issues.

This is just one example of something that is coming to mind over and over as of late. Convenience vs consciousness. Sometimes the convenient choice is the best choice, such as when I'm completely exhausted, we aren't cooking dinner that night, and I pick up a salad using rapid pick up at Panera. There are definitely other times when convenient is the last thing I want or need.

More and more, I find myself stopping, just about to order something, or ready to make a snap decision, follow an old pattern, or whatever it may be. What am I doing? Does it make sense? Why am I doing it? Do I even want to, or is it a habit?

The past few months, I'm letting myself live at MY pace, and to experience life instead of skipping across it like a skimming stone. Less is so very definitely more, I do not need nor do I want all of the things or experiences all at once, I'm being choosy. Books, clothes, classes, personal habits, how I spend my time, relationships, everything. I feel as if I'm coming down to earth and noticing so very many more things.

It is no secret that I have never been suited to a life of frenetic, panic based energy, and anything that this kind of energy breeds.  Being on auto-pilot isn't my jam, either. There is just so much CRAP that is presented to us every day, and there is something very freeing in practicing the STOP, and asking if it's something that makes sense. 

There is a sweetness, a joy in the routines of everyday life.  And I have decided to EXPERIENCE things and enjoy them, those beautiful simple moments, instead of cramming all of my time and space full. So, here's to slowing down, needing less, and enjoying the simple things!

On Reclamation

It’s happening at my pace. It’s happening gently.

One day, it might be finding the blessings in a traffic jam caused by road work. (Hey! Someone is spending money on infrastructure !) The next day, it might be finding a way to laugh and move on after a frustrating work situation.

Sometimes, reclamation is stopping myself as fear arrives to try once again to tell me old stories, stories that tell me to contract, to defend, to struggle, to try really hard, to push, and to exert control. I don’t have to believe those stories anymore, I can write new ones. Those frenetic, panic based tactics never brought any real results anyway. Why go back to that? In these moments of pause, reclamation helps me find the balance between the doing and the letting go, the being, knowing that all is well, regardless of outer appearances.

There have been many days when reclamation has been an opportunity to clear out and organize an area of my home. Tiny micro projects like gathering books to donate, or cleaning out my pajama drawer, and so many others. Did you know you can radically change your life in 20 minute increments? That’s what it feels like, as more and more of these blessing times arrive every day.
Reclamation comes in subtle choices, saying no to things that aren’t needed, or just don’t fit well. It comes in speaking with gentle, compassionate honesty that helps everyone instead of swallowing back the truth.

It breathes new life into everyday situations, as gratitude grows, and the mundane becomes a beautiful poem. It helps find space within to face my own failings with love, compassion and forgiveness, which allows me to more readily forgive others.
Reclamation is gratitude and taking the lessons from the past, but not living there. Reclamation is trusting the future but not obsessing that I’m not there yet. Reclamation is accepting, loving, living and enjoying THIS MOMENT.

I’m reclaiming my life. Nice and slow 🐢. At a pace natural to me. We can all choose differently, if we would like.

The Little Witch and the VERY BIG BAG

Once Upon A Time, there was a little witch. The little witch was known for carrying a VERY BIG BAG. She was always lifting the bag, dragging the bag, digging through the bag looking for things, and standing in funny positions because the bag was so very heavy.

Many times, her friends would say "You are a little witch. Why do you carry such a VERY BIG BAG?"

The little witch would tell them, "I must have all of things that are important to me close."

"Why?" They would ask."Why can't you leave some of them at your home, or in another safe place?"

And each time, the little witch would say, "Things change a lot, and I need to be ready."

"Like what things?" Her friends would ask.

"Anything, everything" she would tell them.

After a very long time, the little witch began to be very sore and really tired because of the VERY BIG BAG and not even her healing spells would make it better. She went to see a medicine woman. The wise, old one asked her "Why does the VERY BIG BAG make you feel safe?"

OH! The little witch had never realized. Is that what she was doing? She knew better than to accuse the wise one of nonsense. The wise one always told the truth. So she sat, and asked herself. DOES the VERY BIG BAG make me feel safe? She had to admit, it did.

She looked at the wise one, who met her gaze with her own smiling one. She told the old one "You are right. The VERY BIG BAG really DOES make me feel safe. I feel less nervous. I feel prepared."
The old one asked her, "Do you think you need ALL of those things to be ready?"

The little witch thought about it for a long while.

"No, she finally answered. Probably not all of them."

The medicine woman looked at her kindly, saying "The VERY BIG BAG is filled with many things. Some help you. Some do not. Some are ready to be let go of, or put away. The VERY BIG BAG is not helping you, it is holding you back. Do you understand?"

The little witch thought perhaps they were talking about much more than the VERY BIG BAG all of a sudden. But she smiled and simply said "Yes, I understand. Thank you."

As the little witch slowly walked home, dragging the VERY BIG BAG, she was very thoughtful.

By the time she got home, she had a VERY BIG SMILE on her face. The little witch dumped out the contents of the VERY BIG BAG. She looked at them, one by one, and remembered the stories and memories that went with each item. She laughed, she cried and she took her time doing this task. A few things she put aside. Some she put away in a special place in her home where she could find them if she needed to. Some other things, she gifted to others who needed them much more than she. Some she was able to let go of, she did not need them anymore, and so she put them in the recycling bin.

Then she took the small pile of things she had put aside, and placed them carefully in.....A CUTE LITTLE BAG. These things were carefully chosen. They would help her to be prepared and organized and ready, but they would NOT weigh her down. She put the CUTE LITTLE BAG on her shoulder and it didn't hurt at all! She felt very light and free, and she knew it was not just about the actual bag she had carried.

The next day the little witch went to THE PLACE OF UNITY. She liked it there, the people were so very nice, and welcoming. They worked so well together, helping one another. When she got there, the man with the beautiful smile said they were blessing bags today! She could not believe it! How perfect. There are no accidents, the wise one had once told her, and she knew it was true. The man with the beautiful smile and the lady with the shining eyes told everyone about how a bag packed with just what we need could be helpful when things were changing.

The lady with the shining eyes told a wonderful story about a starfish who learned about the many blessings that were right around her. The little witch loved the story so much! When it was her turn to go to the front, she brought the CUTE LITTLE BAG up with her. The man with the beautiful smile asked her what she would bring into the places where she would take the CUTE LITTLE BAG.

She answered "Trust and openness." She could choose to feel GOOD wherever she went, even when things were changing. The man with the beautiful smile gave her a blessing and some sparkles. Oh my, the little witch loved sparkles! And then, the lady with the shining eyes gave her a starfish pendant to remind her always of all the many blessings to be found right around her. She attached the starfish to the CUTE LITTLE BAG.

As the little witch walked back to her seat smiling and talking with the others, she was filled with joy. She knew that she was safe and ready no matter where she was in the world. She knew that there were beautiful people everywhere. She knew people will always help one another. She was excited and thought to herself "How fun! I'm ready!"

The little witch took her CUTE LITTLE BAG and went walking outside to enjoy a song with her new friends and enjoy the sunshine. And it was indeed a VERY GOOD DAY.

Feels Good

Every so often, you'll have one of those moments, where "click".....and understanding kicks in. It's almost as if it were with you all along, simmering below the surface. Perhaps glimpses of understanding have come through in cycles, but nothing really gelled together to truly make sense for you.

Then, all at once, you're just doing your everyday tasks, and you "get it."

I'm having that experience now, as far as how I relate to others, and more specifically, how I relate to myself.

Revelations are nothing new, especially this year. To say that 2018 has been filled with changes, unexpected events, beginnings, endings and lessons would be a vast understatement. I know that I'm not alone in that.

This morning the cat was lonely, so he made his way into the bedroom around 4:30. As I waited for him to quiet the extra loud love purr into something a tad more quiet, I was just patting his soft fur, and enjoying the quiet of the sleeping house and the sweet half light of the last few moments predawn.

I was just in a very floating kind of state, allowing my mind to drift where it would like. As this happened, I started to see quick little scenes of myself with others, and how I reacted. How I get insecure and embarrassed around the ones who always seem so amused at my deep life revelations, as if they've somehow had it all figured out for so long. The ones who attach their happiness to my coloring inside of "the lines." The times I replay situations in my head and wonder if things would have been different if I'd been more confident, or if I'd expressed myself differently. The many situations I have found myself in, where I was given and accepted a very tiny space to occupy and could never seem to make anything but mistakes; always doing too much of this or not enough of that. The times I swooped in to "rescue" someone, only to find us both in a mess, and the ones I tried to rescue or protect usually ending up weaker than ever because my involvement stopped them from facing their own crap. All of the dozens of "yeses" over the years that should have been "nos" when I didn't speak my truth for fear of making waves. The times I did say no when my heart was screaming yes. I was a champion of accepting the "terms" presented in a situation and rarely going in and working for a compromise more acceptable to everyone involved. Often, I never even spoke of my concerns in situations that I didn't like. And I rarely, if ever, walked away, or insisted on change, even when my physical, emotional and mental health were compromised.

The only clues to the fact that something wasn't working might have been those flashes of anger I could never figure out the source of, when I was just bitchy for seemingly no reason. I just chalked it up to "having people with mood swings in my family" and assumed I was the same.

As the kitty and I enjoyed the quiet together this morning, I realized that something had shifted. I found myself feeling very thankful for all of those lessons. It's not as if I have been surrounded by selfish pricks my entire life, haha! Not at all!! I have been blessed with a myriad of wonderful people in my life. The key has been in my relationship with MYSELF. I've really never given anyone a chance to operate any differently, because I tended so much to weigh ME based on the reflection I saw in others eyes. I was terrified to not see love and acceptance there, so I became the Yes Woman Extraordinaire. At some point, though, that becomes impossible to keep up. It's an incredibly difficult habit to break, being a people pleaser.

This year, especially the spring and summer, have been a time when 7 years of internal work and change have come to a head. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I love who I am. I respect myself and my needs. I know that the desires of my heart, and my creative impulses are a part of how I interact with the world, and are good and beautiful. I am learning, day by day, that uncomfortable conversations are a part of life, and I choose not to shrink back from them when they need to happen. I understand that just because something is a comfortable, familiar pattern, this does not mean it is healthy. I no longer need to sanctify nor vilify people or situations, I am free to experience them for what they are.

I am learning about these amazing new things. Perhaps you have heard of them. They are called B-0-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S. Ha! Such a new concept, and such a life changer. Instead of being the wall many think of them as, they are instead a skill set. The concept is actually very simple. A boundary, put simply, is a place where you care for yourself and keep yourself healthy by knowing when to say yes and when to say no to people or situations. By exploring your boundaries, and knowing where they are, you keep your energy levels high, you never question your own value, and you enter into situations with open eyes, ready to participate, because you have CHOSEN to be there. If you CHOOSE IT you have to own it. Boundaries teach you to choose mindfully! Interestingly enough, boundaries also help you to be closer to people, because your relationships are more authentic, and you are far more enthusiastic about what you do because you aren't spending time on what doesn't work for you. The part that is not so simple is practicing having boundaries when you formerly did not. It's a learned skill and I am in the baby stages.

Speaking of that, I think it's OK to be in the baby stages of learning something. I'm experiencing such a sense of freedom in letting go, both of other people's expectations, as well as all of the "shoulds" I put on myself. There's much that I'm good at. There are some things I'm quite the expert in. With other things, I'm a beginner. And that's alright. It would be amazing if we were all well read, always calm, adventurous, confident, great in bed, fabulous cooks, skilled in multiple arts, crafts, and modalities, and had the emotional maturity of Buddha, perfectly fit, financial wizards, the list goes on. But we aren't. Right now my mom, who is in her 70's is working on improving her self esteem and how she thinks about herself. Most wouldn't tackle that at her stage of life. But she is. And I think she's strong and beautiful and amazing for it. Wherever you are right now, it's good. I've given myself permission to work on what I choose, at my speed. The only person that needs to be OK with that is me.

That was a really long winded way of saying that finally, I love me. I like who I am. I accept and celebrate myself. I'm not worried about what others think of me. I choose not to be hung up anymore on what I "should have accomplished" by now and I am DONE comparing myself with others. I am going to follow my plan and take steps both magickal and mundane to do what I choose to do. At my speed. (Think Snapping Turtle :D)

If something isn't good for me, it's done. If something makes my heart sing it's in! If the energy is good, let's goooooooooooooo! If it feels like a root canal, see ya. If you feel like I'm difficult or hard to handle, or tough to love, it's alright if you exit. If I need to qualify or change to be with you, forget it. I'm doing my thing and the right people will stick around, and I am ready to enjoy walking together with them. I'm trusting my intuition, my body and my spirit within. I consider every experience I've had a blessing and I'm thankful for everything and every single person. Hard work, from here on in, is going toward the things I am drawn to do, the things I consciously choose. Now, it's time to run this my way. Finally, I am sovereign ruler over my own queendom. And it feels good.

The Oracle Priestess

Always, throughout the ages
They have come
Men, and also women
Seeking comfort
Begging for healing
From pain, the voices
The fog that obscures

And always
She is there
Healing
There is no conflict in her
This one sees them
Knows what is needed
Reveals to them their beauty and their horror

Wrapped and rapt
Lost in the gift of Her
She removes their garments of fear, confusion, and loathing
The fog in their minds departs
The barbs of endless, useless questioning
No longer required

They walk away
Comforted
Thoughts clear
They are never quite sure
If it was the curve of her waist, her thighs
The soft hair falling past her shoulders
The undefinable from within the depths of her eyes
Or the pulse from her heart place
That made it happen
In the end they don't care
The last thing they want to do
Is "solve" her

They only know
She is

And, they will be back

Except for the ones
For whom
The truth revealed
Cannot be embraced
These will revile her
Because hating her
Is easier than facing themselves

For Her
It matters not
She cannot, will not be other than herself
She bathes, as the Moonlight blesses her
Solitary in the beauty of the Sacred
Candles burn brightly
Incense rises
And She shines

Differently

Time and time again
You come to know
You love differently
You value people in such a vastly different way

Over and over
You think someone has really seen you
Until the day their demons come to call
And instead of facing them
They paint horns on you
And become someone you don't know
They condemn you for that which they can't face within themselves
Meanwhile, you only see their beauty
And your heart breaks again

Heartbreak sucks
Excruciating, every time

Until finally
Fucking finally
You realize it has to start with YOU
So you do the work
And face all the things
You let a lot of things go

You come to love yourself
Reveling in the truest love affair there is
The one between YOU and THE UNIVERSE

That helps you
You can love them where they are
Set your boundaries
And walk your path
No need to seek wholeness or fulfillment from without
No longer wondering where home is
This is peace

Never Play Small

Never play small
People get used to it
We sit, thirsty
Below a dripping faucet
While someone holds the handle tight
We delight in each little drip coming our way
So happy to get each one
But why?
Why do we do that?
We should be holding our own faucet handle
Drinking our fill as we see fit
We play paduwan
Hiding what we have and what we know
Why do we do that?
You see, the thing about playing small
Is that you can never get small enough
There are those who get used to it
They like taking over the space you aren't using
The energy of your "getting little"
It feels good to them
The worst part is this
You can never get small enough
You'll soon find they will crucify you
For taking up any space at all
And you will be asking yourself
What you've done wrong
How can you "fix it?"
The truth is
You've done nothing wrong
It's not you
So here's the thing
You damned well take up
ALL OF THE SPACE
That you were designed to by this Universe
To occupy
Be BIG
If you want to
BE LOUD
Never, ever water yourself down
For the approval of another
If your existence bothers them
Just by you being you
Then they aren't meant to be in your life
You are unique, beautiful and NEEDED
The full, unwatered down
Full strength
Quirky, fabulous you
You
With your spaz moments
Your contradictions
And all of the things you think
You need to hide
You don't need to hide a thing
BE YOU
Those who don't like it
Can find a different place in this big, beautiful world
One that isn't next to you

Line Drawn

I really cannot give you 

What you simply haven’t earned 

I reached out to you so many times 

And each time I got burned 

You stayed inside that little box 

And never truly saw 

The pain that you were causing me 

Your one true fatal flaw 

You see you’re beautiful in so many ways

You’ll always have my love 

But after a while I grew thick skin

Called out for help from above 

I finally learned to give myself 

The love you never could 

And now I walk in my own truth 

You’ll be my friend for good 

 But never again the gift to give 

The sacred now withheld 

My love requires special care 

In the end, my heart rebelled 

Again I’ve learned that broken 

Will open you and change your shape 

So difficult, but good and true 

Reworking my landscape 

I hold you no ill will

I wish you joy and light 

But I must live for myself now 

I’ve given up this fight 

STOP ASSUMING I DON’T CARE

ABOUT “INVISIBLE” CHRONIC ILLNESS 

(STOP ASSUMING I DON'T CARE)

I’m sharing this using my own words. There are a few versions going around. 

All I ask is that you read this all the way through. Please. Thank you.

There are many illnesses that people walk around with every day which are invisible to everyone else. 

There is a huge gap between the place where someone is diagnosed with one of these illnesses, and the place where they are considered “disabled“ by the government.

This means that there will usually be decades where the person walks around with the crushing fatigue and pain of a major illness, all while being expected by the rest of the world to compete with healthy people, to do what healthy people can do. 

At home and on the job, there is often the perception that perhaps these people are lazy, crabby, grouchy or bitchy, that they have a bad attitude, that they don’t care, that they are negative, that they don’t have any drive or ambition, or that they don’t want to do well.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth of the matter is that they’re using every bit of energy they have to be able to get up and shower and walk through the day and do tasks that you find so simple and take for granted.

Yes. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Celiac Disease, Sjogrens Syndrome, Reynauds as well as an anxiety condition. The Arthritis, Sjogrens and anxiety have historically been the ones that kick my ass. 

I am not sharing this for sympathy. And I’m not posting it just for myself. I’m posting it so that people might get an understanding.

The person that you run into every day who you maybe think has a bad attitude, is a subpar worker, or is just a bitch or a crabby old fuck… Maybe there’s more to the story than you realize. 

For people with “invisible” chronic illness, plugging themselves into the same expectations as a healthy person is one of the hardest things that they have to do every single day. It takes superhuman effort every day.

The truth of the matter is that for the proper care of their body they need about twice the amount of time off and rest that you do as a healthy person. But that’s usually not something that they’re able to get. There isn’t an amount of rest that’s going to “cure“ them. They are always going to need more downtime and rest than a healthy person. Always, for the entire time that they are living. And this customarily does not get better with age, it gets worse.

This is why so many of us will run around trying every imaginable thing for improvement. Medications, supplements, diets, meditation… Every possible option that comes down the pike. Something that lessens pain, gives more blessed rare energy, helps bolster the mood without 1,000,000 side effects. We will usually try them all. We spend an ordinate amount of time reading and researching trying to find ways to help ourselves.

Sometimes this comes across as being selfish or self focused. It isn’t that. It’s really just trying to find ways to meet the world’s expectations without feeling like you’re falling on your face every day.

So this is for everyone who deals with invisible chronic illness. I for one see you, even on those days when other people don’t. I know what you deal with every day. I know what it’s like for you to get up and do the things that everyone else takes for granted. 

I am very grateful for my life. I am surrounded by people that I love, even in the most peculiar and difficult of circumstances. I have goals that I work toward and that I am meeting. Amazing things happen to me all of the time… This weekend was a testament to that. Every day is a source of awe and wonder for me.

I’m not writing this to be negative. I’m writing it to build awareness. As you go through every day life just know that you probably know more people with invisible chronic illness then you realize. We are all around you, doing what we do. It’s so much more difficult than you could possibly imagine. So if we sometimes have a day when we’re not blowing sunshine up your ass,  please give us a pass. We really are trying our best. And we will continue to do so every day.

Thanks for listening.

One Who Sees

You used to think you were held down
And everything was sharp edges, walls and cages
You kinda liked the pain
It kept you alive
It was how you knew you weren't dead

So peculiar now
You don't need the pain
Who knew breathing in and out
Could happen without it
Almost didn't know what to do with it at first

Star stuff, pulling in what must come
Releasing what you can't carry, traveling light
There's no good or bad, dark or light, alone or together
It's all just here, you're finally owning your part in it
Conscious choices, and it's about fucking time
Owning your personal power and every last consequence

Once you figure out the horrible moments won't actually kill you
You're just so much less risk averse
What exactly were you waiting for? Permission? Guarantees? A map or guidebook?
One foot in front of the other baby
Eyes and heart open, spirit soars
You are One Who Sees

Whatever comes now
You're awake and dancing with it
Completely present
Life isn't happening to you
YOU are happening

What We Are Willing To Ignore

I find myself in an odd place this morning. This isn't a raving, angry political post. It's....a search to make sense of something.

A few weeks ago, I made a decision to stop having political conversations on social media. I decided that I would remain informed and do what I felt was best by taking action in the real world, instead of having keyboard fights and staying in the useless energy of fear and rage. I decided my actual involvement and action in the real world was what is key now, and not what I put on Facebook.

I am not sorry I made that choice, it is the right one for me. It still is. The peace of mind it has given me is absolutely worth it. And I'm already involved in several things I was not before, so I am happy to be taking concrete actions that I feel will help where I feel strongly about things.

The past few days, I have been really thrown for a loop by the reaction many people have had to Elizabeth Warren's reading of Coretta Scott King's letter and statement regarding Jeff Sessions.

I, too, think that the conduct of our politicians, and frankly of many of us (myself included at times) has been reprehensible as we scream, yell, label, libel, character assassinate, and worse. We have lost sight of working for the greater good of all. I, too, feel strongly that we must expect more of our elected officials - and ourselves.

However, there's something missing here. Jeff Sessions record, his actions and statements throughout his career are a matter of public record. He has been bypassed for appointments before by the Republican Party specifically because of this record.

This week, a white woman tried to read a letter written by a black woman that simply and clearly points out details of that record.

Suddenly, her actions are inappropriate, divisive, and wrong and must be censored.

When you stand out there for all the world to see and make who you are abundantly clear, consistently, for years, as Jeff Sessions has done, having someone simply point out what you have done is not inappropriate or divisive.

I think we really need to ask ourselves. What are we defending here when we need so desperately to shut these two women up?

It is not character assassination to simply state what someone has publicly done and said.

Racism. Sexism. Being so overwhelmed with all the conflict that we can let something like this go by, as long as we can have a few minutes of peace. Perhaps it is a mix of these factors.

I'm one of the people who has begged for peace of mind and an end to the conflict we have been in, since way before the election. I've even read articles by mental health professionals that say it is truly unhealthy for us all to be in this state of constant conflict, fear, anger and anxiety we have been living in.

I'll continue to avoid conflict on line as much as I can, because it drains me too much and I can't be of any use that way. That's my choice. I'll continue to focus on well thought out, constructive real world action for the highest good.

For me, that does not include ignoring what is right in front of my face. The truth doesn't change just because it makes me feel shitty. What we are willing to ignore says just as much about us as what we do and say.

Woman

And in those days
When truth became sedition
The people found
WOMAN would not be silent

She would not be shushed
Or convinced that her femaleness was only fulfilled
In silent submission
And decorative acquiescence

Instead
She spoke the truth with dignity and boldness
She backed it up with action
Action that built something lasting
It was good for ALL of the people
And for the beautiful land they lived in
She rolled up her sleeves
And did the work
People joined in
And it was good

She was sovereign unto herself
And so
WOMAN would not be silent
She was one
She was a multitude
And she changed the world

New Territory

I've been asked by a lot of people why "we" just can't "move on." People say "it's over, the people have spoken" and "why are you still so upset?"

OK. I've taken more than a week to try and gather my thoughts.

Like most of us, I've always had plenty of friends and relatives who did not agree with me on everything, whether it was political, social, religious/spiritual, or what. I never had an expectation of being surrounded by clones who only believe as I do, so that's fine. Diversity of ideas and ways of being and doing are beautiful.

For the most part, we have been doing great, because I know who you are, and you know who I am. Your differing beliefs, for those of you in my life anyway, were not harming anyone. No one I knew was persecuting anyone, or acting out in hate or supporting anyone who did.

Then this election happened. This isn't like any situation we have ever been in.

Look. I get it. You didn't vote for him because you personally are an advocate of any of hate, taking people's rights away, or anything else that harms people and endangers our environment. You were focused on the things he said he would do that would help you and your family.

But you see, he DID say those things, horrible, ugly things. And he has been and is continuing to surround himself with people who have dedicated years of their lives to taking actions that DO hurt people and endanger our environment.

I will not look past those things. I will not look past the comments aimed at Mexicans, people of color, the disabled, Native Americans, the poor, or LGBTQ. I won't ignore the way he speaks about women. I will not look away from the records the people he is surrounding himself with have as far as how they talk about and treat people.

People I love, and many more I have never met are scared, shocked and frightened. They have good reason. And I'm damned well going to have their backs, and stand with them, no matter what. Understand that right now. I choose this, consciously. For me, it is the only choice.

Some of my friends have spent a lifetime - A LIFETIME getting to the point where they felt that they were safe and that there might be some people and places where they are loved and accepted. Still others never experienced this.

Imagine that, if you can, that you are hated, vilified, and in danger every day because of who you are. What is that like? Many of us have never had to deal with that.

This is hard. Because I love you, you know? But these things, they speak to the very heart of who we are and what our inner integrity says about how we navigate our lives,

You tell me that you weren't saying those things are ok. But it is happening, right out there for all to see, and I guess you were ok with putting that aside. That's the part that I'm having such a hard time with right now. I don't know where to put it. How do I reconcile that with who I know you are?

What is happening right now is NOT ok. It is not ok. The line stops at me. And with millions of us who are not going to let people be treated this way.

So there it is. Please stop asking me to go home, be quiet, and stop being upset.

Everyone brings something to the table. Some will speak. Some will create shelter. Some will work to improve local, state or federal government. Some will heal. Some will pray. Some will donate. Some will advocate. Some will teach the children. Whatever part we play, we are not going away.

i wish no one ill will. I, and many like me, will be working through this non violently.

I still love you. But right now, this needed to be said.

Distraction and Illusion

What is this most peculiar feeling the last couple of days?  I feel it in the morning quiet. 

Spider greets me in the bathroom. She reminds me it's out there somewhere, on the web. Be still, she says, where is it that you feel the slight tugging on the web?

Ah. Yes.  I do feel it. It is not actually a something, after all. It is the ABSENCE of a thing. 

My dear old friends, distraction and illusion. They aren't here anymore. I sent them away. We used to hang out all the time. We were BFF's. They kept me from being right here, right now...in this moment, doing what I'm doing and feeling what I'm feeling. It was their job, and I loved it.

They were there every day to remind me that my truest life, and everything good was "out there somewhere" or attached to certain people or situations. The point they made was that it was never OK to be exactly in this moment. Here. Now. So right now, right here was not good enough, was powerless and had no value. And so was I, until I "got there."

I adored my best friends distraction an illusion. I loved having them around. I never really had to face right now. Because everything good was always in some nebulous future, I never had to put in the work and I never had to worry about failing. 

I had installed myself in the most ridiculous catch 22. I was always assuming that everything good was in the future, always holding the present moment in contempt, and always the in an endless cycle of striving to get to the "good stuff." And, the "next great thing" that was going to "change everything" kept switching out every few months as I discovered that instant gratification wasn't coming. It was miserable. 

Make no mistake. I've broken up with distraction and illusion before. But I've always ended up making the late-night panicked phone call and called them right back.

But not now. It's over. 

So this morning, as I sit in the morning quiet before getting ready for work, I am enjoying the space that is no longer filled by my old friends distraction and illusion.

 There is beauty, and power in this exact moment. I wake up every morning and I know what steps that I need to take to my goals. Most of the time there is not actually instant gratification. But, there is a quiet sense of purpose, a new understanding of my personal power, and a sweet peace that I haven't known in many years. I trust my path, I trust what's inside, and every day I'm doing the work of my life. I trust and love what is here in this moment, and I trust and love tomorrow.  I know what I'm building, where I'm going. I know why I'm here. 

Crooked little path, indeed. And I'm just loving it. 

Witchy Morning Musings

Good morning loves! I've awakened with some thoughts coming from the fog and I thought I would share them.

There was a time in the past when I used to think… I guess I'm not "that kind of witch." What kind of witch?  Let me explain. 

There are times when I felt very much like a fourth-grader, surrounded by so many great minds, and so much wisdom. I am not half as well read as many of my peers, despite the number of books I read. There is so very much I do not know, and see this as I move through my days. 

Even in the company of those who are like me, we who built an entire life for decades prior to finding this path, and are now walking this path while still managing and now inevitably changing everything we built… I notice a certain intellectual approach that I definitely don't have.

It's interesting to reflect on it now, because for much of the time over the past few years this was a point of worry for me. I will admit to a certain feeling of inadequacy.

Now?  No. I adore learning, experiencing, gaining knowledge and finding application for it in the day to day. I absolutely love the process of new knowledge coming to me, sifting through it, integrating what works and tossing the rest, like a giant delicious buffet.

Like the great blue heron, I stand in the water. The earth is reflected in the water's surface. When I see delicious gems come by, I quickly devour them, without delay. The things that I ingest can be quite varied, and cover a wide range of subjects. This watchful approach, combined with quick action to "devour" things when the opportunity presents itself works for me. It allows me the flexibility of having many choices and much adaptability.  I have come to realize that this is an important part of who I am and how I operate.

This approach doesn't work for everybody. It's wonderful for me. I know so many who are concentrating on one area of knowledge and growth. They are quite specialized in a particular approach. I think this is beautiful to watch because in each case where I see this,  it is exquisitely perfect for the person. and it is always a privilege and a wonderful opportunity to learn from these people.

I am blessed to know so many beautiful witches to learn from, to walk with and enjoy the friendship of in this life. We are all different, we all bring something unique to the table, always such a myriad of different ways to walk this. There is so much variation in what each of us shines forth. 

And so finally at the tender young age of 51 years old… Ha ha… I find that I can reflect on all of this and have no worries. I'm not certain why I ever had any to start with.

 I like my quirky, eclectic, sometimes simplistic, completely bizarre but altogether perfect (for me) approach to my spirituality and my path. I love bringing together elements from absolutely everywhere to hone my craft. It's always mind blowing and so perfect the way it all fits together, when on the surface you'd never think that was possible. There is no aspect of life that is exempt from being a treasure trove to find wonderful and amazing things to pull in… the yummy. little gems are just everywhere.

I'm having fun. Whatever else may be going on, and there is always plenty, I'm truly having fun. What exactly would be the point if I wasn't? For me fun is necessary.

There are parts of who I am, what I know, what I recognize, how I practice and how I relate to this life on all levels that defy explanation using the English language.

And that my beautiful darlings is absolutely one of the best things about this life. Some things are known but simply can't be explained, and they don't need to be.

I have determined that I will continue to make this an adventure. Let's go babies, a new day awaits!

America

It's like we're all standing around screaming, "NO!  Listen!  My pain is bigger than yours so you don't matter! The entire Universe must stop for MY pain!" 

It's like we're getting our identity from our pain. 

Why can't we stand and look at each other, really SEE each other - and realize we're ALL in some kind of pain and then figure out ways we can help EVERYONE?  

What happened to the concept of The Common Good?  Why don't we see that helping our neighbors is the same as helping ourselves? 

Is it because we've lost track of who our neighbors are?  Does someone have to look and believe like me to be my neighbor?  We've become so afraid of those who are different than we are that we've lost our compassion, our humanity. 

And our fear is making us cold, small, and very ugly. 

I'm not a Christian. I'm a Witch. But I love the story Jesus told about The Good Samaritan.  I'd much rather be neighbors with, and in community with someone like the Samaritan. 

And say what you will, but our elected officials, especially these Presidential candidates, are using our fear against us. We are falling for it, too. 

It's time for a quiet revolution. One where everyone votes. One where we don't allow injustice. One where we understand that if all Americans don't have the same rights, then this experiment the founding fathers started fails and doesn't mean shit. One where elected officials go back to being PUBLIC SERVANTS and not sick leeches. One where we help the next guy, no matter who he is. One where being American stands for something, and where what we are together is bigger than what we are by ourselves.

Willful Blindness

The next time you find yourself really upset about something that someone else has that you don't, or  a benefit that one group has and another group doesn't have....

remember something.  

If the 1% would let up a little on what they are hoarding, there would be more than enough for everybody, and we wouldn't have to choose.

Does it really make sense for such a tiny little group of people in the world to have more wealth than their families could use for generations upon generations, often compiled not by hard work but by dishonest bending of laws to favor their interests?

Like many of you I had very hard-working parents. Having that kind of work ethic is instilled in many of us. But the 1% didn't work for what they have, unless you count manipulating everything our country was built upon for their own interests as work.

Yes, things definitely were different when we were kids. Corporations paid their fair share. We didn't have a 1% sucking the life out of everyone else. And while we all had the freedom to enjoy our own beliefs, we weren't so entrenched in them that we lost sight of the humanity of those around us.

We've lost our ability to find that middle ground, that place where we can find things that are for the highest good of all of us, so that everyone benefits. That's the whole point of society, it's the whole reason for community. It isn't about being right or having only your belief system be the "right" or "official" one. It's about finding a common ground where we can all work for things that benefit everyone. We have completely forgotten that that's the entire point of what our country was built on.

We are being played against each other to keep us blind to what's really going on. 

And you're all just falling for it.