Feels Good

Every so often, you'll have one of those moments, where "click".....and understanding kicks in. It's almost as if it were with you all along, simmering below the surface. Perhaps glimpses of understanding have come through in cycles, but nothing really gelled together to truly make sense for you.

Then, all at once, you're just doing your everyday tasks, and you "get it."

I'm having that experience now, as far as how I relate to others, and more specifically, how I relate to myself.

Revelations are nothing new, especially this year. To say that 2018 has been filled with changes, unexpected events, beginnings, endings and lessons would be a vast understatement. I know that I'm not alone in that.

This morning the cat was lonely, so he made his way into the bedroom around 4:30. As I waited for him to quiet the extra loud love purr into something a tad more quiet, I was just patting his soft fur, and enjoying the quiet of the sleeping house and the sweet half light of the last few moments predawn.

I was just in a very floating kind of state, allowing my mind to drift where it would like. As this happened, I started to see quick little scenes of myself with others, and how I reacted. How I get insecure and embarrassed around the ones who always seem so amused at my deep life revelations, as if they've somehow had it all figured out for so long. The ones who attach their happiness to my coloring inside of "the lines." The times I replay situations in my head and wonder if things would have been different if I'd been more confident, or if I'd expressed myself differently. The many situations I have found myself in, where I was given and accepted a very tiny space to occupy and could never seem to make anything but mistakes; always doing too much of this or not enough of that. The times I swooped in to "rescue" someone, only to find us both in a mess, and the ones I tried to rescue or protect usually ending up weaker than ever because my involvement stopped them from facing their own crap. All of the dozens of "yeses" over the years that should have been "nos" when I didn't speak my truth for fear of making waves. The times I did say no when my heart was screaming yes. I was a champion of accepting the "terms" presented in a situation and rarely going in and working for a compromise more acceptable to everyone involved. Often, I never even spoke of my concerns in situations that I didn't like. And I rarely, if ever, walked away, or insisted on change, even when my physical, emotional and mental health were compromised.

The only clues to the fact that something wasn't working might have been those flashes of anger I could never figure out the source of, when I was just bitchy for seemingly no reason. I just chalked it up to "having people with mood swings in my family" and assumed I was the same.

As the kitty and I enjoyed the quiet together this morning, I realized that something had shifted. I found myself feeling very thankful for all of those lessons. It's not as if I have been surrounded by selfish pricks my entire life, haha! Not at all!! I have been blessed with a myriad of wonderful people in my life. The key has been in my relationship with MYSELF. I've really never given anyone a chance to operate any differently, because I tended so much to weigh ME based on the reflection I saw in others eyes. I was terrified to not see love and acceptance there, so I became the Yes Woman Extraordinaire. At some point, though, that becomes impossible to keep up. It's an incredibly difficult habit to break, being a people pleaser.

This year, especially the spring and summer, have been a time when 7 years of internal work and change have come to a head. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I love who I am. I respect myself and my needs. I know that the desires of my heart, and my creative impulses are a part of how I interact with the world, and are good and beautiful. I am learning, day by day, that uncomfortable conversations are a part of life, and I choose not to shrink back from them when they need to happen. I understand that just because something is a comfortable, familiar pattern, this does not mean it is healthy. I no longer need to sanctify nor vilify people or situations, I am free to experience them for what they are.

I am learning about these amazing new things. Perhaps you have heard of them. They are called B-0-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S. Ha! Such a new concept, and such a life changer. Instead of being the wall many think of them as, they are instead a skill set. The concept is actually very simple. A boundary, put simply, is a place where you care for yourself and keep yourself healthy by knowing when to say yes and when to say no to people or situations. By exploring your boundaries, and knowing where they are, you keep your energy levels high, you never question your own value, and you enter into situations with open eyes, ready to participate, because you have CHOSEN to be there. If you CHOOSE IT you have to own it. Boundaries teach you to choose mindfully! Interestingly enough, boundaries also help you to be closer to people, because your relationships are more authentic, and you are far more enthusiastic about what you do because you aren't spending time on what doesn't work for you. The part that is not so simple is practicing having boundaries when you formerly did not. It's a learned skill and I am in the baby stages.

Speaking of that, I think it's OK to be in the baby stages of learning something. I'm experiencing such a sense of freedom in letting go, both of other people's expectations, as well as all of the "shoulds" I put on myself. There's much that I'm good at. There are some things I'm quite the expert in. With other things, I'm a beginner. And that's alright. It would be amazing if we were all well read, always calm, adventurous, confident, great in bed, fabulous cooks, skilled in multiple arts, crafts, and modalities, and had the emotional maturity of Buddha, perfectly fit, financial wizards, the list goes on. But we aren't. Right now my mom, who is in her 70's is working on improving her self esteem and how she thinks about herself. Most wouldn't tackle that at her stage of life. But she is. And I think she's strong and beautiful and amazing for it. Wherever you are right now, it's good. I've given myself permission to work on what I choose, at my speed. The only person that needs to be OK with that is me.

That was a really long winded way of saying that finally, I love me. I like who I am. I accept and celebrate myself. I'm not worried about what others think of me. I choose not to be hung up anymore on what I "should have accomplished" by now and I am DONE comparing myself with others. I am going to follow my plan and take steps both magickal and mundane to do what I choose to do. At my speed. (Think Snapping Turtle :D)

If something isn't good for me, it's done. If something makes my heart sing it's in! If the energy is good, let's goooooooooooooo! If it feels like a root canal, see ya. If you feel like I'm difficult or hard to handle, or tough to love, it's alright if you exit. If I need to qualify or change to be with you, forget it. I'm doing my thing and the right people will stick around, and I am ready to enjoy walking together with them. I'm trusting my intuition, my body and my spirit within. I consider every experience I've had a blessing and I'm thankful for everything and every single person. Hard work, from here on in, is going toward the things I am drawn to do, the things I consciously choose. Now, it's time to run this my way. Finally, I am sovereign ruler over my own queendom. And it feels good.