Silver River Stag

Walking through the woods 

The Moon kisses all things with her silvery light 

Looking up, you see the tops of the bare trees, outlined against the blue black sky 

Their branches reaching up to caress the sky 

Your breath mingles with that of our Mother, your footfalls soft upon her breast 

The wind pulls at your hair in greeting 

Carrying with it the sounds 

Of this winters night 

All is movement and flow

The river, gently relentless 

Never thwarted in it's journey

Over, under, around, and through 

Spirit knows the way 

Strength of heart 

Standing where so many cannot

Purpose crystal clear 

One of those who has come 

To help the people remember 

And to relearn how to walk

If a journey is weighed 

By the world's standards 

They cannot make sense of it 

But the Moon has come to witness 

And in the morning she will tell the Sun 

As they kiss in the moment of dawn's first light 

Those who walk with Spirit are never alone 

Written for my friend Paul Bagge, December 23, 2015, on the day he received his Native American name. 

Everyday Heroes

I found myself thinking of my dad today. I'm glad that he comes to mind often, he's been gone for ten years and it's odd to me because it doesn't seem like that long. I miss him.

For some reason today, I found myself thinking of dad's work. He worked in shoe shops, and as a security guard. But the job he held the longest was as a steel worker. For those who are unfamiliar, this is an extremely physical job. In this case it involved working in hot temperatures, near a furnace, wearing huge tongs, picking up and repeatedly "slapping" heavy red hot steel. 

I can't even imagine how anyone does this work.  Add to it the fact that my dad had very severe rheumatoid arthritis and it becomes unfathomable. His healthy coworkers always said they were amazed at what he was able to do, despite the oversized joints and gnarled hands.

Many of us understand having pain on a regular basis. Arthritis, fibromyalgia, sciatica, back problems, job related wear and tear, and many other conditions leave many people in daily pain. I've had rheumatoid arthritis for almost 25 years, I get it. 

But there's one thing I notice that can be easy to lose sight of. Thinking about my dad this morning got me thinking of everyone else who does really physical work every day. 

First, the way soldiers, firefighters and police officers put their lives on the line is bravery and heroism that needs to be recognized. In addition to this factor of putting their lives on the line, the work can take a physical toll on them for many reasons.

Many other jobs are also really tough on the body. I think we could have more appreciation sometimes.

Your plumber has to lay on his back on the kitchen floor, carry the new sink in, and drag your old water heater outside. Someone working construction is climbing, bending, lifting, crouching and stooping for six to eight hours a day, in all sorts of temperatures. 

There are lots of other examples. There's the person who fills your oil tank, warehouse workers, the guy who plows your driveway, CNA's, brick masons, farm workers and many, many more. 

What about those who are on their feet all day? Cooks, waitstaff, flight attendants, and thousands more.

My dad got up every day and did that job, right next to completely healthy people. All day, every day, he had to repeatedly make motions and perform tasks that hurt and caused more damage. Ouch. And he did it, for the people he loved. 

I understand people are being paid for what they do. That is as it should be. I'm not addressing that. I'm expressing my appreciation for all who do physical work day in and day out. I'm saying I see you, because I saw him, all those years. So I see you now. I know what it costs you. I can tell when you're not okay, even though you tell the boss and your loved ones that you're fine. I'm saying you're amazing. This work needs doing, and as someone who isn't physically capable of doing any of it, this steelworkers daughter is saying thank you.

While many of us may deal with pain from our homes and from our warm office cubicles, in most cases I don't think that's the same thing as those who have to actually physically put it on the line every day at work. They do that for days, weeks, years. 

Growing up watching my dad do what he did gave me a view to what those who do physical work really do every day.  I consider these people to be every day heroes. Today, while I remember my dad, I thought it needed to be said.

Sometimes...

Sometimes 

There is a raging fire under that patience 

Sometimes 

The ferocity of a tigress

Can be found camouflaged within quiet resolve

Sometimes 

Great power simmers

Just beneath the surface 

Of a receptive pause

Sometimes 

Inner knowledge 

Provides the silent compass 

Sometimes 

Inspired action 

Hides in plain sight 

And the sleeping never notice 

Sometimes 

Magick moves mountains 

Yet seems quiet and invisible 

Sometimes 

Time is loose and bendy 

And we play like gumby 

Sometimes 

Love is pure, unconditional 

And utterly without agenda

So, it blesses every life it touches

Sometimes you remember 

That what's in the stars 

Is what's in you

And you speak it into being 

Yes 

Sometimes 

These Days

Waffling between roaring confidence

And the need to get tiny, be invisible, and hide

Reveling in the rush of free fall

Then grasping in white knuckled terror

The days you are patient and sure 

Followed by hurricane's rage and fury

At times, all are your kindred 

But there are times you feel utterly alone 

Moving naturally, instinct and intuition your compass 

Then a moment later back up in your head, searching for control and assurance 

You learn every day 

You realize you know nothing 

Conquering fear by charging ahead, right in it's face 

Other times wanting nothing more than to be held, warm and close, while someone strokes your hair and says "It's okay"

To live, open and awake, every day the heart expanding,  the pain, love and joy woven together 

While the days of comfortably closed are a dim memory 

Desiring nothing more than to be truly seen, unfiltered, and loved wholly for it 

And later, finally giving that gift to yourself 

You're a work in progress

And those old habits die hard 

But, over time you realize there are no dreams that come without risk, and that if you can't be who you are, then you can't breathe 

You see that free fall has it's own unique way of creating space, and that life will fill that space with good things, if you let it 

So you begin to learn of letting go.

You start to understand the unexpected power in those times of vulnerability you used to hide and run from 

You learn the power and sacredness of pleasure and honoring the desires that the Divine has placed within you 

You learn day by day while walking and speaking your truth with integrity 

You are witness to the danger of smallness and the destruction that comes with numbness 

You see evidence, every day, that what is meant for you cannot pass you by 

Light, dark, good, bad, real and time become fluid, elastic concepts that change shape like play-doh 

And it's weird because your sight is so altered 

And a thousand poems could probably never capture what it's like 

But you keep writing them anyway 

Because it's what you do 

Monkey Monkey

Monkey, monkey 

Little monkey 

Playing in my head 

Telling me missed expectations 

Mean that I should dread 

Always saying there are rules 

And if we stray it's wrong 

Rigid rules for me and others 

Make prison bars so strong 

People being human 

Are sure to disappoint 

When happiness is an outside job 

We kind of miss the point 

So monkey monkey 

Worried monkey 

I know that you mean well 

I'm just going to give you a hug right now 

You have a story to tell 

Little monkey, calming now

I think today we learned 

That happiness is an inside job 

The tables now have turned 

No situation, person or place 

Is going to make it right 

And when we load them down like that 

They're sure to put up a fight 

Monkeys do what monkeys do 

And playing with others is fun

Some days we go bananas

And the other monkeys want to run 

But with some luck 

And a little love 

We find our happy troop 

Monkeys who are glad that we're around 

Even when we're looped

So monkey, monkey 

There you are 

Playing in my head 

I hear what you are saying 

But now, there is no dread

When Positivity Becomes An Obstacle

I used to think that by allowing those darker, more difficult emotions – the ones we would consider "negative", that I was somehow going to "un manifest" or push away the things I was working toward in my life.

It is a fact that there are many Universal and metaphysical laws that do apply to all of us. Though it is not recognized by many, the vibration that we are in each day has a direct correlation to what comes our way. We can be intentional about this, or have absolutely no idea. Either way the result is the same.

Having said this, what I didn't leave room for was the simple truth of my unique vibration in this universe. We each have a unique energetic signature. That means that each of us plays every day in the playground of this universe in a way that no other being does. 

What I'm finally starting to wake up to, what I'm remembering, is that these darker emotions, the ones I formerly considered to be "negative" are just a natural part of being human. 

Quite often, these types of emotions are uncomfortable. We're human, our natural inclination is to move away from discomfort. Add to that so much of the "spiritual" literature out there urging us to stay positive, and it's quite easy to convince yourself that you must always be blissfully skipping through fields of daisies, or you're "doing it wrong." I don't know about you, but I was putting a huge amount of pressure on myself, constantly, to remain in a positive state of mind. I felt like there was something lacking in me if I wasn't feeling happy all of the time. 

I have come to the extremely freeing conclusion that all of this is bullshit. I can only speak for myself, but here's how it works for me.

You see, I do have quite clear objectives for the things that I am calling to myself on an every day basis. I'm taking very clear steps both physically and energetically to make certain that these things happen. I'm doing what I need to do and then I'm letting go and trusting.

I am finding that when darker or more "negative" emotions do arise, they invariably have something important to communicate to me. There's something there that I need to be paying attention to. It may be a new lesson, or maybe the clearing of an old pattern that no longer serves me. It could be the healing of an old memory. Whatever it is I don't have to run away from it, squash it down, send it away or think that it's wrong. 

And, here is the lovely freeing part. I don't have to worry that these feelings are chasing away the things I'm working on today, or with regard to my future goals. 

YAY! 

So, the very cool truth here is that when these darker, or more difficult emotions arise, they are simply a natural part of the process. It is a very "positive" thing for me to be integrating, learning from and lifting the energy of these experiences. That's how we use them, it's how they become fuel - fuel that we can use just as effectively as all of the more bright, sunshine moments. In fact combining the two is a fantastic rocket fuel! 

So, I just sit with them and allow them to be. I just sit, and allow. I ask myself what I'm feeling, see if I can identify it. I ask myself a few simple questions, about why am feeling that way. I might talk it out with myself. I might write in my journal about it, write poetry, sometimes I might talk to a trusted friend for some perspective. Sometimes I might cry it out, or just curl up in bed and give up for the moment, and hope that I feel better in the morning.  I might yell and curse.  

The key here for me lies in being completely allowing, accepting and open with myself about whatever arises. Whatever comes up is good and natural and normal. I love and accept myself in whatever state I am in in that moment. 

Eventually, whether it takes a couple of hours or a few days, I work through it. I can see and understand what was upsetting me.

I'm noticing that what follows every single time, once this process is over, is a feeling of lightness, a return to equilibrium. I have clarity about what I need to do now, if anything, and whatever learnings might have come out of the experience. 

Did I chase away the things that I am working on in my life because I allowed this process to happen? Should I now expect doom and gloom to follow me everywhere because I felt these "negative" emotions? 

I'm actually finding exactly the opposite. I'm finding that when these things come up for me, and I love and show compassion for myself and the things that have come up, that it actually frees things up. I find that by moving through this process it's a part of the forward momentum I'm working on in my life. 

Sometimes it takes a few minutes. Sometimes it takes a few hours. Sometimes it can be days or even weeks. We always move through it. That can be hard to see from the inside of it when you're dealing with it, but you do always move through it and come out the other side. It sounds incredibly counterintuitive, but I have found that by not fighting with it, that I come out the other side sooner and more easily.

 I would go so far as to say that it is a part of manifesting and creating the life that I am choosing to live, both on a moment by moment basis, and when working toward my future goals. I have come to understand that this is a necessary process. Things come up that must be dealt with - this is not a negative thing. It is not wrong. You are not backsliding spiritually when this happens to you. And you are not chasing away the things that you're working on. On the contrary it's part of the work. It's all good.

You are the one that is crafting your life. I am the one that is crafting mine. There are all sorts of beautiful building blocks that we are each using in order to do this. There are many many colors that we are each using in the painting of our lives. Working through darker or "negative" emotions is simply a part of that creative process. 

When we allow this and show ourselves love and compassion we truly are in motion, we are creating space physically and energetically for more amazing things to happen. By giving ourselves and others love and compassion during this process, we are still creating. 

Once we come out the other end of whatever it is that we have needed to allow, explore, love, meet with compassion, and learn from, we continue on, doing what we do, better for the experience, and wiser for the learning. 

The combination of our absolutely clear intent, our purity of heart, our daily action, and the ability to let go and trust continue to be the navigational tools that we use on a day-to-day basis. In those moments where we went swimming in the dark places, we find that we did not slow the journey at all, but instead they were just a part of the rhythm of our days - just as the moments in the sunshine are. Both are a part of the process. 

Unswerving faith and belief in who you are and what you're doing is absolutely necessary. That is what I define as "being positive." I look for the good in people and situations, and I usually find it. I trust completely that the universe has my back in every situation, even when outward appearances would seem to indicate the opposite. I no longer define being positive as needing to blow sunshine up everyone's butt 24 hours a day. I have found this shift in understanding to be extremely freeing. I'm interested to find out what other people's experiences have been.

Sum Total?

We see the action 

And assume we know the motivation 

Right then and there 

We stop seeing the other person 

Seeing instead what we expect

Picking a category 

Summing them up

Instead of simply being 

Wait and see 

Let it unfold 

You can be you 

Now, let them be them 

Vampires Anonymous

'Tis a magickal thing indeed 

The journey of remembering 

Who you are 

And why you have come 

Yes, this alone 

Is your very own 

Revelation 

But there's more 

You reach the point 

Where you are able to bear witness 

To what you are 

And all that you do 

As you live each day

Finally, there comes a time 

When only the bravest openness 

And relentless authenticity 

Will do 

Yet, you see yourself 

Still seeking completion 

In others view of you

As authenticity burns away illusion 

The old vampiric ways 

Of drawing, pulling 

Using the energy and emotion of others 

To prop yourself up

Falls away 

You stand on your own. 

Oh fear! 

I'm lost. Disconnected! Empty! 

Ugly. Useless.

Can't you see!?

It isn't safe. I'm not enough!

And I never will be...

Must hide. So naked. So scared. 

Get tiny. Cover my face. 

Block my ears. No. Oh no. 

The habit, so ingrained 

Neural pathways 

Like well traveled roads in your psyche

You watch yourself 

As the fear pumps loudly in your ears

And the familiar downward spiral 

Is about to begin 

But 

No 

Something is different this time 

Oh, the habit is there, so strong 

But now, the desire, the need to walk that familiar road 

Of latch on, or hide 

Is gone 

You released it

You felt it leave you

The dark and heavy energy gone from you

And in the midst of the fear 

The inner Witness speaks 

Hey. Wait a second!

It's alright to be afraid 

Standing in your personal power 

Self contained 

Complete, beautiful 

Not seeking outside of yourself 

For validation 

Belief, faith in who and what you are

Without the crutch of others approval 

This is new 

And the fear? It's a habit. 

But it doesn't own you. 

You don't need it.

Not anymore.

Let's go. Let's walk. 

You've got this! 

That fear will get smaller over time. 

And you can rock who you are

Even if you are afraid sometimes 

Standing 

Tentative steps 

Back straightens

You stop looking down 

And bring your gaze up 

To meet the world 

See that? That's bravery. You're doing it! 

And you're not disconnected 

Not ever

Quiet your mind and see what you find

You know and feel the truth of that within 

There's a vast difference 

Between being complete in and of yourself 

And being cut off, separated from love 

Without a lifeline 

You were never alone, you know that now

Beautiful connection 

With all things 

Every person 

The world, energy 

The Divine

It's all One

We are One

Now you can enjoy that natural thread 

That connects us all 

Without needing anyone 

To prop you up 

Or tell you that you're okay 

You're free