INCOMING!

Shield my eyes
Take cover
Now I know the truth
Missiles
Incoming
From myself
And those who still lie
To themselves
But I can't go back
Yes, take cover
For the truth
Will not be denied

Written 4/30/12 on lunch hour 12:00 noon

Eyes Open (Freedom)

Can't return
To the days
Without self-awareness
Comfortably numb
Lapping up what I was told
Feeling safe
In my cotton-wrapped
Protected bubble
No
Once you open your eyes
There's no going back
I see
I hear
I ask questions
I face the answers
Sometimes I cry
We all bleed
And it's beautiful
And horrid
All at once
But there is no going back
The old is gone
And in the knowledge
There is freedom

Written 4/30/12 on lunch hour

Invisible

I've got to chase my dreams
It's not a mid-life crisis
I'm not going to "outgrow" or "get past" it
It's not a phase
This is who I am
Like a snake sheds it's skin
This one grows uncomfortable
Too tight
No way to move forward
Without making a mess
And life is messy
That won't stop me
I need to be who I am
You may never understand
And that's OK
I still won't stop
Ever
I can't stop speaking
I won't be invisible
I am
Inconvenient
Improper
Irreverent
Alive

Written 4/30/12 on lunch hour 12:00 Noon

Man

You mesmerize, tantalize
Mystery
That which you possess
Can't quite define it
Do I want to fuck YOU?
Or just that which is intrinsically yours
Because I want some of that for myself
One such as you is rare
A different brand
Of strength
Quiet, even humble at times
Inner strength
Your soul revealed
In your eyes
Of course. I want you.
But not just your body
Although, Damn.  You're beautiful.
I want to drown in your darkness
And bathe in your light
I'm not afraid of your scars
We all have those
Bring all you've got over here
I want all of it
Show me you're man enough
To handle all I've got, all that I am
I'll rock you when it's good
And when it's all breaking down
Yeah, bring it all over here
Lets see where the night goes

The Chase

Where IS it?
Seems that it must be close
Around the corner
Briefest glimpse
You've touched it
Need to find it again
Must find it again
It's not in that glass
It's not even in the bed
Didn't find it at work
It wasn't at church
Tried pretending it wasn't real
That you didn't need it
At times, it's in the music
It teases you
You keep looking
Keep looking
It's out there......

On Being Woman (For all of us)

She wants to rock her life

Do it herself, under her own power

Nothing else will do

Still, she seeks one with darkness and light

In his soul, and truth in his eyes

Unflinching, Fire inside

To match her own

She knows who she is

Walks the everyday

Endless minutia

Dispatch it all, everything in it's place

Honor, joy in the sweet traditions

Don't become anesthetized

Surrounded, often she wonders

Do any of these truly know me?

Feeling alone in a crowd

Beauty, joy, tragedy

Walk through it

Keep them safe, heart pierced when you cannot

Strength lies in what some call your weakness

Feel keenly the pain 

Of loss, separation, fear, heartache

But daily she will wake up, make up and take up

That which is hers

Head held high, she wipes her tears

Smiles, and makes it right for them

A double edged sword, to be sure

She cannot keep them safe and close 

In every moment 

Indeed, she knows

Sometimes love means hands off

While they fall 

And so she loves

Fiercely

And she knows enough
To honor and love herself too

It is not in denying pain and fear

That she finds strength

But in facing it

And walking forward anyway

In spite of it 

Fragile

Like the small leaves
Poking up through the soil
Making our way
Moving the dead pine needles aside
Small, fragile
Reaching up toward the sun
The wind coming through
Moving everything around
Easily crushed
Life ends so easily
But given the chance to grow
How amazing
How beautiful
Each of us truly is

Appreciation

This sweet little moment
Relaxing in the sun
It feels just like
The afterglow
Beautiful groove
From the inside
Great Blue Heron
Walks the water's edge
A snippet
Snapshot of a life
To be savored
Lived
Because we are here, now
And it feels good

Crossed Paths

You didn't get what you wanted
Maybe you're not used to that
So you chose to believe the worst
But you had it all wrong
Missed it completely
Injured Pride
Told yourself
And the ones who call your name
That I was a joke
But the joke's on you
My smiling friend
I know who I am
Always wanted only good for you
And I still do
Path's crossed briefly
And diverged
As they should
Good journeys my friend
My walk is my own

Seeping In

Sitting on the grass
Music's on
Warmth creeping into my bones
Sun warms the skin on my arms
And where my shirt vees
Between my breasts
Leaning back
Sunglasses perched on my head
Singing along
Like the freak I am
Fly that flag high
Impossible, but true
Alive just feels so good today

Numb

The morphine of forgetfulness
Quenching the need
And then
Blessed, peaceful nothing

Do we intentionally
Seek this out?
We hold tight
To the status quo

But sameness
In all it's comfort
Actually kills
The spark, gone

Better to feel
The road-rash that is life
Not fearing a little blood
Unafraid

Anesthetize at your own risk
For without the balance
Facing the good and the bad
The spirit cannot live

Cubicle Dwelling

If you are a cubicle dweller but it isn't where you belong, it's sort of like having your life force sucked out of you through a very tiny straw. You're dying, but it's happening so slowly that you're half dead before you realize it. I really must continue to fight hard for my dreams.

Desperately Holding

Tick, tick, tock
So goes the clock
Waste your life
Warm, comfy strife
Hold to what you know
Afraid of letting go
Never dare to ask
Question not the task
Embrace what's bad
It's all you've had
Self-fulfilled
Dreams you've killed
Honesty lost
Hope you've tossed
It's change you fear
The song you won't hear
You could be free
Too afraid to be

Alone With You (Selfish)

Maybe it's selfish
We've established
That I'm not a nice person, right?
But really
I just want to take you away
Somewhere far from here
Take the time
Just to be us two
See something
Do something
For just a little while
Stop caring
If they're all OK
For just a second
Just you
And I
Two
The way we started
I've wanted it forever
And now
Even though I know
Logically
That you're gonna be OK
It makes a person think
This thing that's happening to you
Happening to us
The world
It's a big, beautiful, amazing place
And you and I
We're always running
Around the same tiny track
Sometimes I just wish
I could take you away
Walk roads we've never walked
See the stars from a different angle
You see
I gave you my heart
And you still have it
I just want to be selfish
For a little while
Just be us two

Own It (Back Off)

You don't get to lean on me
And hide from the world
And then question how
I decide to walk through this life
You don't like the way I am
Because I make you question
The way you are
I can love them
And still be me
You gave up on yourself
A long time ago
Fell on the sword
But you realized too late
There's no payoff after all
Unless you count self-righteousness
You sure hold that closely
I've spent too much time
Figuring out who I am
And you know what?
I don't care anymore
If you like me
It used to be important
And now I just can't give a fuck
You made your own decisions
I felt sorry before, I really did
But it's your life!  Live with it
You have to live with
The decisions you've made
Just like I live with mine
Either change your life
And stop embracing misfortune
Like it's your lover
Using it to control people around you
Or stay the way you are
But keep your opinion
To yourself
Where my life is concerned
Until you take some steps
To own it

Soul Song

It's crazy strong
Inside of me
Roaring within
Lights my core
Feels like that moment
Just before you cum
And you're going to explode
Daily is my soul thus
Inside of me
Now that I've let it out
In the sun to play
It will not be silenced
Knowledge of my life
And those I love
Don't know why or how
I want to breathe you in
Turn you on
Pull your soul out
Through your eyes
And hold it in my hands
So I can see it's light
Even more closely
The sweet groove
That is life
Is the ultimate turn on
Let's live it!

Passion

Passion I am
Indelible
I was thus
Before
"The thing that happened "
And so
Forever
I will be
In spite of this
Even more so
Because of it
Essence not dulled
Soul's flame
Passion's flower
Yes, we struggle
But you can never have me
That which is my core
Unquenched. Bright.
I will never go back
To the dead walking
I know
Who and what I am
Scrape my soul raw
Against life's broken shards
And in the bleeding
LIFE
UNCOMPROMISED

Sometimes

Sometimes
You hit a moment in your life
One that changes everything
That strange sensation
Your little world is different
But yet everything else around you
Continues on, the same
Like you're in a time warp
View changed
Not sure what will happen
But you know who you are
And so you pick your head up
You walk forward
Take this one day at a time
All you can do
Is be who you are
Love and cherish them
Show them that every day
And be thankful
For the gift
That is every day
You have been given

Shine

I saw a flower today
Perfect
Beautiful
Poking up
Through dead leaves
This tiny, beautiful place
Surrounded by what
Isn't beautiful at all
Like your soul
You survived
A dark and horrible place
Your light is so bright
Perfectly amazing
You've overcome so much
And you shine
So glad you made it
We need to help
Each other
So no one's light is lost

Composed 4/17/12
After reading some of the stories posted
on bullyville.com

On Being Two

Perhaps it will always be like this
This feeling of being divided
Two minds
Love for the precious amazing gifts I have
The need to hold tightly to that
And the compulsion
The voice that won't stop
It says you are more than your everyday
Please don't give up
The familiar internal  conversation
Having both
Being both
Holding tight and yet following your dreams
I know now
That this intense internal battle
Teaches me
The discomfort
Motivates me
Look, Seek, Move, Change
While holding those you love so close
I'll be myself
Each day
I'll love them with all I have
And we'll follow our dreams
Grow
Be

Composed 4/10/12