Gratitude

I really found myself in a place of gratitude today.  How often do we have the chance to let people know what they have meant to us?  Do we need to have a special occasion?  I'm going to say NO.  I think we can let people know all the time how we feel.   Everyday people, and the small and big things they do, really make a difference.

This is inevitably "too mushy" for some people.  That's OK, you don't have to read it.  No agenda  here, just want to share my thanks.  This is me. People matter and I like telling them. There are so many more people that I haven't named, and I appreciate all of you.  

Here goes!  No particular order here.

For my Dad.  I miss you!  You fought crippling arthritis, you fought to keep us clothed and fed, and you fought your demons.  Your warped sense of humor, your love for mom, and the heroic way you never gave up are always with me.

For my Mom.  Little Vivvie!  Your endless energy, the way you fight for what you believe in, that endless reservoir of strength no matter what is going on, and the way we can be silly together inspire me so much.  If I'm half the person you have been, I'll have done well.

My brother Brad - thank you for teaching me about never believing in "Can't" no matter what the odds are and for showing me the true meaning of grace.

Nicole - I'm almost 50 years old and you have been in my life for over 40 of those years. Our friendship has survived geographic separation, peer pressure and every possible life event we could each have faced.  You are a member of my family.  I hope we are friends for 50 more years!  I am so grateful for you in my life. (And thank you to Bob and Cheryl for being the most awesome set of second parents ever - I probably ate at your house as often as I ate at mine!)

Becky - my partner in crime, my sounding board and the one who has walked with me during the last 3 years of insanity since "Joe Perry Weekend".  Thank you for your friendship and for showing me the lesson of "not doing anything half-assed."  

For Cindy and Anil:  Cindy, I love you dearly and I thank you for the friendship, the understanding and the forgiveness when we somehow grew apart.  Thank you both for reaching out to Robert and I last summer, that meant a lot. You and your sweet hubby are dear to me and I am glad to have you in my life despite not seeing you as often as I used to.

For Robert:  29 years!  You've stood strong and survived everything that has hit you over the years, including Hurricane Beth. Your grace under pressure, the way you fought Cancer, and the way you handled recovery were no surprise to me.  We've been up, down, sideways, inside out and upside-down. People are crazy about you because of  the fun, loyal person you are. I get that. Thank you for being my best friend.

Josh - Thank you for questioning everything, including me.  Thank you for your thirst for the truth, even when it is difficult to face. Thank you for not giving me a break when I need to hear that I handled something poorly.  Thank you for endless philosophical discussions.  Thank you for being a music fanatic and sharing that with me. Thank you for hug therapy.  Thank you for accepting my crazy.

Patrick - Thank you for your beautiful heart and for using it to remind me when I'm not seeing people with the love and compassion that I should.  Thank you for your view of the world.  Thank you for your incredible love for animals that inspires me and reminds me of how I need to treat the other creatures we share this world with.  Thank you for the "band" years.  I think I had as much fun as you did, I absolutely loved every minute of watching you and your friends and helping out. Thank you for that killer, dry sense of humor that knocks us all over.  

To every single one of our sons friends, especially Dave, Nate, Chris and Ted - each of you are members of our family and you are welcome in our house anytime!  Josh and Pat have good people in their lives, gotta say.

For Glenn Stewart - thank you my beautiful friend for the glimpse into putting everything, heart and soul into a dream, overcoming obstacles, the necessity of taking risks and most of all never denying who you are.  I'm so glad to know you!

Thank you to all of my kick-ass co-workers who all work so hard, I enjoy working with all of you.  Thank you to Brian, David, Sarah, Pete and Didia for excellence and grace under pressure while still being you.  Very cool working with you guys!

For Oceana - I think we've known each other less than a year.  You certainly make an impression! We Goddesses gotta stick together, thank you my awesome friend!

Now, I need to show some gratitude to my on line friends, who may not be face to face but mean a lot!

Thank you to my dearest friend Chew for the gift of seeing myself and my life differently.  You may not realize the scope and gravity of the gift you gave, but I do and it needed to be said.  Thank you.

Thank you Monika for putting up with me last year and for the friendship and reading my endless emails! 

For friends lost but forever in my heart:   Thank you Tron for giving me back the gift of wonder, even in the face of pain and sadness.  I'll never see this pale blue dot the same way, and I'll always love you for giving that back to me when it was lost.   Thank you to pK for showing me what not giving up and working your ass off for a dream look like and for being an example of heart and integrity.  I'll always believe in you and your music.   

For my friend Kev (Atomic Honey).  First of all, thank you over and over for the love and energy you share with everyone on a day to day basis.  It makes a HUGE DIFFERENCE.  Thank you for helping me to believe that it's OK to be me, without hiding it and that maybe, just MAYBE that's how I can make a difference every day.  

For Suzanne: Thank you for the friendship and sharing my love for music, especially all things Myles Kennedy!

For "Verble" Thank you for sharing the beautiful person that you are. I had fun writing "Fanger" with you and Monika. We need to DO something with that!  Thanks for sharing the daily music tweets, I love them!  

For Leo:  YOU ARE AWESOME!  Thank you for your positive attitude, the way you encourage others and for the way you try to wake people up to what they may not be aware of.  Many tough days have been made brighter with your encouragement.  Thank you!

For my sweet friend Fabi - one of my first Twitter friends - You have been so sweet and encouraging and always wishing the very best for me and all that I love. Thank you for being one of my very first Twitter friends and for sticking around! 

For Philip:  There is much I could say my clever, funny friend but I will simply say thank you for a friendship that revels in enjoying life and seeing others happy.  You can't ever leave Twitter!  

For Charles Bivona - Thank you for being a working poet. Thank you for giving a shit.  When I read you I realize there is much I don't know, but this is good. It keeps me digging, keeps me questioning, keeps me thirsty to learn, helps keep me immersed in and caring about life. Don't ever quit, Charles.

For my friend Bradley Howington - thank you for sharing your soul, in your poetry and photography and as a friend.

For my twitter coven - you know who you are.  I miss you guys like crazy.  Thanks for helping me feel accepted when I started this path. 

There are dozens of people I interact with regularly on line who I am grateful for.  JDubqca, Pappy, IDroneHD, Alan J....Foggy, Karen, Cliff, Carla, and many more. I appreciate every one of you whether I have called you out by name or not.  It's kinda nice to have this many people to have coffee with every morning.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Beth

On Being Unquivocally Myself or "Shit I Used To Worry About"

There used to be a very long list of things I was worried about.  It was truly a long, long list, much of which was based around my fears of what others thought of me.  As time goes on, I've come to understand that to truly live, I have to love myself.  When I love myself and structure my life around what I'm drawn to, what I am excited about and feel joy doing, then I'm happier and have so much more to give to those around me.

And so, today, I will emancipate myself from all of the stupid things I formerly worried about.  Below, you will find a list of things I will no longer give any of my energy to.  I know who I am and I'm fully aware of my successes and failures.  I accept and love all of it.  I live from my integrity every day and it's time for me to stop acting like I need to apologize for who I am.  And so, this list below of completely idiotic worries/thoughts is now being thrown out with the trash.  I wonder - WHAT IS YOUR LIST?  I'd love it if everyone made a list of limiting thoughts and we all threw them out together!    Anyway, here's mine:

If you wear something slightly form fitting or revealing, you're trying too hard.

If you keep your long hair as you approach 50, it's not a style befitting your age.

Aren't you approaching the stage of the game where gals revert to "mom jeans"?

If you star, retweet or share a beautiful poem, tweet or FB post that mentions seduction or sex, you must be slutting it up on the side, or you have a "twitter crush" or you are "subtweeting."

You should stay "in the broom closet" about being a witch, some people won't understand.

Some people just aren't ready for the person you've become, so you should water yourself down a bit for these people, to avoid conflict.

If you're nice to a someone, you're automatically flirting.

You can't write in your blog about certain subject matter, it makes people uncomfortable, tame it down.

Never be seen in your bathing suit, because your body isn't perfect.

Only bad can come of challenging the way things are.

Women who think, write or speak openly and honestly about sex are sluts.

Once you've made a mistake, just be quiet and stop trying, clearly you're a mess.

You should stop coming up with so many outlandish ideas.  It makes you seem odd, and gives people the impression you don't finish anything, since there are always so many of them.

Keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. It's easier to just go with the flow.

Only the young and trim are beautiful and sexy.

You'll never accomplish anything substantial.

You should be more like......

Nothing in this world can ever change, what can one person do?

Well, that's MY list.  Now, what's yours?  Let's burn 'em all!!

Pincushion Ramblings

So, what's this all about?  Just a string of random thoughts.

When I get acupuncture, after the needles are placed, there's a time where I just simply relax, until it's time for them to be removed.  I absolutely love this time.  You can't really go very far with a bunch needles coming out of you at various angles, so you almost HAVE TO relax.  So, I figure, why fight it?  This is my time.

Sometimes I meditate, sometimes I drift off to sleep, think, or look at the patterns in the wooden beams on the ceiling. That last choice can be kind of trippy, but I digress.  Today, I just let whatever came to mind just flow out.  This is a little of it, or at least the part before it became incoherent and I fell asleep.   Hell, maybe you'll think the entire thing is incoherent.

I found myself looking back at events in my own life, and reflecting on things that have happened to family, friends and loved ones.  I couldn't help but notice a pattern - how very often we put ourselves in a position of being sad or upset because we want things to be one way and they are not. The fear, the despair, the anger, blaming, bitterness, sadness and the giving up times are all examples of the hell we put ourselves through.

We expect people to know what we have never said and maybe never even shown, we think "they should know!"  Actually, no, they shouldn't "just know".  Yes, they more than likely do want to speak or act, but they're scared. We rarely see that.  We only know our own expectations, and so fed by pride and fear, we can't let ourselves reach out, either.  So, people just sit there, with all this crap between them, preventing a true human connection when all they really want is to step into the warmth of loving acceptance.

Yeah, expectations.  They really can suck the life out of you.  I'm not advocating a fake happiness where we all pretend we're thrilled with life when we aren't.  There are times to "go" when taking action is key, and there are times to "flow", times when surrendering to the current brings us to new places, people, situations, and realizations.  I find "go" vs "flow" to be an ongoing lesson, it's not easy for me.   I'd much rather control things, and I suspect I'm not alone in that.

We feel more comfortable when we can control things.  So we set rigid parameters, and build our expectations around them.  This takes all of the responsibility off of us and puts it on the people and situations we encounter.  This is convenient so that we can blame them later when things don't work out. And so we put our rules out there:

I can only be happy in my work if it's this type of job or situation.
If this person truly loves me, they will know to do this and this and that.
Mr. or Ms. Right has to be exactly like this.
This vacation is only fun if it goes exactly according to plan.
I work hard and I'm a good person.  This kind of bad shit shouldn't happen to me.
Success can only look exactly as I have pictured it.
I can only be friends with certain types of people.
I can't try that kind of activity, that's not for me.

The list goes on and on and on, and we all have one.  I know I do. My own situation as an intuitive, creative, non-linear right brained gal trying to make it in cubicle world is a perfect example.  For so long I looked at it as just a paycheck, a trap and had nothing to offer beyond keeping the roof over my head.  I've come to learn that the skills I use there are definitely valuable outside of work, the people I work for and with are wonderful and I am the one, with my thoughts and actions, that chooses how every day will go.  Hey, I don't know much but this is working right now, I'll say that. I try and jettison the negative stuff, I decide to have a good day, and then move my ass.  The things I want to change, I have to create a plan and then do it.

The Serenity Prayer really does say it well: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

As I just layed there, letting the needles do their work, it just hit me, all the walls we all put up.  I do, I can say that.  Every time I pull one down, I find another one to go knock out. I guess we think we can avoid pain, discomfort and heartbreak that way. We put walls up if people don't do what we wanted them to do.  We're sad or enraged if a situation doesn't go as we'd hoped. We hide from ourselves and refuse to voice our needs to anyone, then get upset if they're not met. We're scared to death if people are different than we are.  We're often so risk averse that we can't move.  When we make a mistake, we want to be forgiven.  But when others make a mistake,  it seems incredibly hard to give that gift of forgiveness.

It's sort of like being 5 years old, playing in the Maytag box after mom's new washer arrives.  You climb in there, it's hidden and safe, and nobody can see you.  But then you get upset because you're alone in there!  Um...then climb back out!

The last thing I recall thinking before I drifted off was  how much more enjoyable life is when we can simply give each other a break. I'm not saying let's all be human carpets.  But think about it.  Do you ever wake up and say to yourself in the mirror "HEY! I think I will just absolutely SUCK at my life today!"   Do you ever stand in the shower in the morning and maliciously plan to make an idiot mistake that ends up spilling onto others?  Of course you don't.  None of us do.  We do the best we can, in each moment.  Most of us aren't stupid or heartless.  We're just scared, so we do stupid things.

It reminds me of something a very dear friend said to me not long ago.  My friend has one of the biggest hearts I've ever known, although some might not suspect it.

"We are all human and flawed. Life is too serious to be taken seriously, enjoy life."  

Furry Zen

Over coffee this morning, I was listening to some recordings of recent talks at a local Zen center.  I was  apparently listening very intently, because I was suddenly brought back to the present moment by the soft touch of a paw on my bare arm.

Our feline family member, Stevie, had decided I'd been lost in my concentration quite long enough, because he stood up on his hind legs, and reached up to touch me...."Um, hey!  I'm here!"

When I felt the soft paw touch, I looked down at Stevie, standing there reaching up for me.  He's got a strikingly beautiful face.  Looking into his eyes, I couldn't help but smile.  I could still hear the recording in the background, but I was just in the moment.  I stopped and spent a few minutes just enjoying the cat, and he certainly reveled in having my attention back on him.

The recording, my tentative plans for the day, my concerns and thoughts about the future, everything else fell away and Stevie and I just spent a few simple, fun moments together.

I'm sure the people on the recordings had many wonderful things to say.  But to be honest, the one who gave me a nugget of wisdom this morning, was Stevie.

Existence Kiss

She abides
In the expanse of space
Between the night
And dawn's bright face
Where time does not exist
Clothed in silken purple
Adorned with freedom
Sweetest rhythm
Body swaying
Dance of sheer delight
Each movement
Existence kiss
Heart, spirit
Calling forth
That which must be
And the River, lovingly
Washes away
All that belongs
On another path
There is no seeking
Love Is

States

At times, a question mark.
The calm mirror of water.
Swirling, dancing like breath on a January morning.
Occasionally, darkness.
Often, fire!
Always, love.

Morning's Decision

Morning tea
Greet the day
Decision time
Staying open
Remaining raw
Centered
Determined
Loving

Past mistakes
Destructive self judgement
Even random occurrence
The "odds"
At the periphery of the mind
Beckoning loudly
Tempting you
Come back in here
Behind the wall
It's safe here

Smiling
Sending doubt and fear on their way
Conscious choice
Stay the path
Be love
Work
Believe
Spread light
Messy, beautiful, unpredictable life

Somewhere between glory and horror
The place where your feet
Will touch the earth today
And every day

Walk. Live. Love. Be.

Reborn

It's not a cliche after all

In your very weakest moments

Doubts and fears that threaten to end you

The times when the very substance

Of who you thought you were

Shaken and stripped away

Even love seems to have flown

Sitting on the floor

Curled in a ball 

Fear, sorrow and emptiness 

Vying for control  

Stop fighting with it

Allow the fear, and face the void

Witness yourself

Broken as you are

Embracing it, the wave of it 

It breaks over you

Fleetingly, you wonder

Will it completely 

Wash you away

And then

Something unexpected

Rocking, sobbing

An aching tenderness begins 

Tendrils, like new spring growth

Nourishing the life within

Love, here

Exactly as things are, exactly as YOU are 

All the words, the striving fall away

Precious, sacred vulnerability

Like a newborn baby

Just you, breathing 

Gossamer threads of connection

With every thing

Standing, more naked than ever in your life

Raw with emotion

Drawing in sacred breath 

Closing your eyes, feeling your own heart

Oh, sweet delicious BEING

A new power within 

You are reborn 

Strength found in weakness 

No rules, no more confused thoughts

Gone the tangled striving 

Focusing on the love 

The light that shines within 

Standing now, looking at the sky

Feeling the wind on your face

Colors, so vivid 

Life, seen through the heart 

Such power 

In simply being 

Heart rhythm 

Shining, breathing and flowing

The Universe smiles 

The Human Being Challenge

I've been called

Liberal 

Witch

Cunt 

Fucking Democrat

Delusional 

White Woman

Flirt

Whore

I guess in the end, I'd prefer "Beth".  

I've heard others called:

Liberal

Conservative 

Idiot

Moron

Nigger

Nazi
Junkie

Facist 

Atheist 

Whore 

Cunt 

Fat ass

Zionist

Terrorist

Gang member

Brainless

Animal 

Dirty

Sub Human

Worthless

I myself have recently used the following labels to for people:

Stupid assholes

Baby killers

"Freakin Pubs"

Black Hearted Greed Hounds

Druggie 

I commonly refer to Dick Cheney as "The Anti-Christ"

Honestly.  We can't do this anymore.

I can't do this anymore.

Every time we decide someone needs a label, we dehumanize them, and ourselves.  We decide that they are lesser than us, that they do not have the same rights as we do, that there is something intrinsically wrong or bad about them.  Why?  

Because they do not think or believe the way we do.  And that makes us angry, or it scares us.  Anger is just another form of fear, anyway.

We're not all going to agree all the time.  We already know that. Yes, there are huge issues and challenges going on right now.  And people are dying, every day - because of one simple thing.  Our collective inability to put "THAT IS A HUMAN BEING" above ANY OTHER THOUGHT, NEED OR BELIEF. 

I am going to challenge myself.

Every time I want to spit out some nasty description, every time my fear or anger tells me that I have a RIGHT, that I have JUSTIFIED REASONS to count that person as less, every time I want to use a label - I want to STOP.  I want to catch myself.  I want to take deep breaths and ask myself  "Is this really going to help anything, if I do/say this?"  

I can't walk around believing that only people that are easy for me to get along with are worthy, beautiful, and amazing.  We all are.  Even people whose fear has made them act in ugly ways. I don't have any answers to anything.  I just know I can't pick and choose anymore.  I have to draw a line.  I have to stop.

Just For Tonight

Tonight
I'm giving it all a fucking rest
Goals on pause
Analyzing stops
No more picking me apart
Not striving for anything
No working, moving, purging
I don't want to rescue anybody
I sure as hell don't need rescuing
No
Tonight is mine
And you can't have it
None of you
Tonight I'm just me
And that's God Damned Well
Good Enough
In fact
It's beautiful
None of the labels matter now
And the past
With it's shining joys
And spectacular falls
Are just lessons learned late
As the man from Canada says*
And in this moment
I have no regrets
No apologies for you
I know who I was
Where I've been
What I've done
I'm standing here now
This is who I am
Who will I be?
That's for tomorrow
For today
I am here
And I am me
Exactly as I am
I don't fear my past, my present, or my future
Nor anyone else's
I'm doing this my way
One step, one day at a time
I'm not coloring inside the lines anymore
Every time I do that
It almost kills me
Right now is where I am
Because that's the only moment that matters
Don't you ever question my heart, my love
Or my authenticity
I've never hidden my successes
Or my failures
Maybe I didn't do it the way everyone wanted
That's life
That's me
You do the best you can in the moment you're standing in
That's all I've ever done, and it's all you've ever done
I'm choosing to be happy
With exactly who I am and where I am
Loving being alive
Having fun
If you don't, what exactly is the point?
I'll laugh, love and enjoy being.
Yeah.
So tonight is just for me.

*A reference to "It's Always Been You"  by Todd Kerns off the album Borrowing Trouble

Finding My Own Way

It's strange to think about it, now.

We chase so many things, because we think they're going to fill us up, create a feeling of wholeness or happiness or perhaps chase away the pain.  Sometimes, we know we're doing it, other times, it's just a human reaction and we aren't even aware of ourselves.

We aren't aware of ourselves.  That's just it, I think.  Any time something feels bad, uncomfortable, or painful we run away from it, we have to cover it, avoid it or cure it as fast as possible.  There are times, though, when we do ourselves a disservice.  Sometimes, you're SUPPOSED to feel that pain, or grief or anger and there's nothing wrong with it.

We can't face it for a lot of different reasons.  Maybe the grief is too big, or the pain is so all encompassing that letting it out seems like it would be the end of us. Maybe the sense of failure, of worthlessness is too much to bring out into the sun.

I've come to realize, each of us is exactly where we need to be.  I can't expect you to be anywhere but exactly where you are right now, in this moment.  There is nothing wrong with you or where you are right now.

It's harder to give that gift to myself.  Acknowledging that I am OK, that I'm acceptable, lovable, worthy....oh damn!  It's taken a lifetime to even begin to think that's possible.  But, I'm getting there, just recently.

I can't and I won't chase anything else to try and make it OK.  For a long time, I didn't even know I was doing it.  Then, once I did, it took a long time to STOP.  Lifelong survival habits are hard to change, but it isn't impossible.

Chasing distractions is empty.

There isn't any comfort to be had in food, television, twitter, liquor or the myriad of other things we try. Trust me on this point. And people?  I have been blessed with so many beautiful souls in my life,  but in the end, even that can change, for many different reasons.  I will always cherish the gift of the people I've been blessed to know in my life - those still here and those not in my life any more. The truth of the matter is, none of us can truly get our sense of self from the people around us, or the roles we play.  We won't find a way to make that heavy fear-ache in our chest go away by attaching ourselves to any other human being.  It doesn't work and it's a hell of a heavy load to hang on another person.

No.

We have to face ourselves. We have to accept ourselves. We have to love ourselves.  We have to find our own inspiration and connection.  We have to walk our own walk and make our own dreams happen. Only we can heal ourselves.  Of course we can help each other, and I am so grateful for the help I have received.  But we do have to make the decision to open the door and face it, to do that tough work. We have to be the one to open the door inside of us.  No one can make that decision for you.

For me, a connection with the Divine is what has helped me to find myself again and to decide that yes, I do indeed still want to be here. I'm glad I opened that particular door, and I've made no secret of the fact that Archangel Michael quite literally saved me by lending me his light and courage to face things until I was strong enough to realize my personal power. If I hadn't made the decision myself to open  that door and work, and acknowledge my need for help,  where would I be now?  More to the point - would I be now?  It's hard for anyone to help us if we won't accept it and admit we need it, and I'm glad I decided to seek help and hope.

Everyone's path is different, and we all find our own way.  Our own way.  That's how it works, that's how it has to be.

Disarming Yourself

Truth is
They're not rejecting you
No one is misunderstanding
No matter who, how many
Regardless of the situation
The judgement doesn't come
From the outside
Verdict rendered
By the judge and jury
Within
Those you interact with
Day to day
Are simply the mirror
You conjured them
To reflect what's inside 
Dutifully, they show up
Ready to deliver
A hot plate
Preordered
By YOU
Crazy, unbalanced
Over-sharer
Flirt, whore
Ugly, flighty
Talentless, worthless
Unlovable 
Overly sensitive
Lacking in compassion
Self-absorbed
Damaged
Accusations based on insecurity
Not on fact
That's coming from the place inside
The one you don't look at or go into
When you face your darkness
Accept, forgive, let go
Love yourself
All those damned arrows
From every direction
Bows drawn back
By your own self repulsion
Will all fall away
Freedom will be yours
It's your call

Tender Heart

Sometimes, you just drop it
All the baggage
And you've got no goddamned clue
What, where,  or how
And there's just life

Unable, unwilling
To go behind walls again
Tender heart, wide open
Eyes, refusing to close
See it all
Feel everything

Yeah
You'll bleed sometimes
But once you SEE
You can't go back
To willful blindness

It's just so
BIG

Some days

You know?

Rain

Rain does things to me.  Even as a little girl, rain has always been a portal, to imagination or to places inside of myself.

When I'm lying in bed on a rainy summer night, I can hear that "tires on rainy road" sound that cars make when the road is wet.  I get little pictures in my head, snippets of conversation and even moments of emotion as if their happiness, anger, fear or melancholy is seeping out the car window and coming to settle on me for the briefest of moments.  Then, as the headlights make moving designs across the dark bedroom ceiling, they are gone from me and I am again alone with the sound of the rain on the trees outside.

The SMELL of rain is very stirring to me.  One of my favorite things is that sweet scent that happens in late spring or early summer, when everything is in bloom and the rain falling down upon all of that thriving, growing greenness creates the most delicious mixture in the air.  It's an olfactory feast and I always have to stop, close my eyes and draw it in.  Life smells good, you know?

There are so many different, subtle scents where rain is concerned.  It depends on what is around that the rain is falling ON, what the temperature is, and many other different factors.  I think it's amazing how a scent can bring back an entire memory, and have me reliving an entire scene in my head.  I'm like that with rain, too.  Certain PLACES in the rain bring memories.  But it's not only that. When it rains, it's almost as if my senses, and I don't just mean the standard 5, are heightened.

On a rainy day, I'll often just pick up an entire scene, not one that's my memory, but one that is connected somehow with wherever I am at that moment.  Imagination? I wonder sometimes if it's a "place memory", I've heard some locations just have that kind of energy.  I'm not sure.  It happens more on rainy days than any other type of weather or situation.

I even have some songs that evoke rain thoughts.  There are a couple of Aerosmith songs that have no connection with rain whatsoever but each time I hear them I get a really strong rain smell, no matter where I am, and a quick little "vision" of pouring rain on green leaves.  If I ever meet Steven Tyler, mark my words, I'm going to ask him if it was raining when he wrote those two songs.

This morning, the air is sticky and sits on my skin like an itchy sweater.  I much prefer that the water fall from the sky, rather than to float in the air and make us all feel sluggish and nasty. High relative humidity, I believe the meteorologist called it.  This is one of the only forms water takes that I am NOT fond of!

Last night though, it rained.  When I stepped outside this morning to breathe, to greet the day as I always do, the rain was still making it's presence known, sliding off leaves like tiny ski slopes, and sitting in perfect spheres on flower petals.

That's an entire little world, or it is to me.  When I look up close at a flower, with perfect crystalline raindrops sitting on them, it speaks to me of life.  I can see, in that one moment all of the energy in the Universe, contained in this one clear view.  The color of the flower petals, the pistil and stamen, and the beautiful vivid green of the leaves are all quite captivating and I can lose myself in that world.  This morning, I found myself lost in wonder looking at the rain on my roses.

Rain.  I love rain.  I like walking in it.  I love to play in puddles like a 5 year old.  I love the sound of it and the smell of it.

Sometimes it even rains inside, and if you don't hide from it you'll find you're quite refreshed after it has passed.

New Day

The morning is sacred
Holy
Each person
Also sacred
Yes, even holy
What you bring to this day
Can be carried forward
By no other
Your light
Your gifts
Unique in this vast Universe
You are right where you need to be
Precious just as you are
A new day
You're beautiful
Let's do this
Shall we?

REGULAR PEOPLE DOING WHAT THEY DO

I realize that my overly enthusiastic expressions of support for people I care about and believe in can sound over the top to many people.  I'm certain there are those who think I'm being fake.  I can understand people having that reaction.

I assure you, quite the opposite is the case.  It's really about my world view.

I believe that the world is what we make of it.  Despite all of the horrible, negative things we all see and hear about every day, I still believe that what each of us does and says is important.  Every single one of us is unique and brings something different to the table. Something vital is missing if we don't share what we are.

And so, when I meet people, whether in real life or perhaps encounter them on line, once I interact with them, I SEE them.  I don't just see them, I REALLY see them.  It's who I am.  I end up just being completely in awe, everyday, when I see regular people doing what they do.

One person that comes to mind is #njpoet.  I discovered Charles Bivona's website and writing through another mutual friend on Twitter.  Charles is a working poet.  I actually like saying that out loud, that someone is a WORKING POET.  It feels good saying that, and to be honest I need to believe that the world has a place for a working poet, that we understand the value of this.  It gives me hope that the human race hasn't lost it's soul.  Following Charles on Twitter and reading his writing on his website has been an experience that is in turns delightful, sad, maddening and always thought provoking.  I read Charles daily, as if he were the morning newspaper, and I'd never miss a day.  That's regular people, doing what they do.

Speaking of regular people, I work with a huge bunch of them.  My coworkers are a varied group, different ages and backgrounds, likes and dislikes, just like any workplace.  As many who are close to me know, I've been on a bit of a personal journey (giant understatement) over the past 3 years.  I've worked in the same position during that entire time.  The past few months, as I've come out the other side of a rough part of that personal journey, and am enjoying the beauty of every day, I've noticed something.  I'm not certain how I missed this, honestly.  I clearly had blinders on, and I didn't SEE at all what was right in front of me.  My usual IN-sight failed me. I'm not just saying this but MY COWORKERS ARE ROCK STARS.  This has to be one of the hardest working group of people I've ever had the pleasure of being employed with.  And the positive attitude and sincere pleasure they get from helping each other makes going in to work every day so much better.  They help me to believe excellence is possible, and not just at work. There are those who would say that 9 to 5 isn't everybody's dream.  Maybe.  But a group of people like this makes your day about much more than getting a paycheck, you know?  And I was completely asleep to it, until recently.  That's regular people, doing what they do.

Musicians.  Babies, you know I love you!!  My dear friend Glenn Stewart is actually a true rock star as far as I'm concerned.  Glenn's gifts go beyond great songwriting, unexpected lyrics and truly stellar vocals. Watching Glenn on stage, seeing what happens as he interacts with the crowd....watching the way he communicates what's really behind a song - the emotion, the energy - that's beautiful!  Like so many musicians that I am gifted to know, Glenn works at a regular job during the day and works his ass off on his dreams on his own time.  To me, the music he shares makes a difference.  It gets inside, and it makes my heart sing.  It helps me to realize how connected we all are.  The music lifts people.  It feels good, really good.  I'm glad Glenn works so hard to share his gifts with us and I'm  SO glad he hasn't given up!  I've always felt the same way about Pete Klein from Blisstique, from the very first note of his music I heard and the very first interaction I had with him on Twitter.  Music that lifts people.  That's regular people, doing what they do.  (Please check these two guys out by the way, more people need to hear!)

 I'm also a loyal Chewstroker to the end.  If you're confused, check out Chewstroke.com.  There are those who would say that the tweets are too abrasive.  I've grown to love the attitude.  When I'm taking life much too seriously, I know exactly what timeline on Twitter to read - and I instantly get over myself.  I love people who tell the unvarnished truth, and so Chewy and Mark will always have a place in my heart.  Lots of people really don' t get it, and that frankly doesn't matter.  Regular people, doing what they do.

Many other everyday people regularly have me in awe, these are just a few gems.  I have written before about my family and friends, who are gifts to me every single day.  There are dozens of other people I interact with all the time, who always stop me in my tracks, just by the way they walk it, you know?   I will always be knocked over by beautiful, everyday people, doing what they do.  And lots of people will think I'm weird because of it.  And that's OK.  

Don't water yourself down.  Just like the people mentioned here, you are a unique gift to the world. You have no idea what effect you have on others.

Love Transformed

There is a silence

Beyond anything you have ever known

There is a longing

Delicious bliss

It lives in every cell

In the ripe, dripping breath

Drawn within, animating you

Making itself known

In every stretch, each step

Sweet, undaunted juicy ache

Skin washed in it 

Transforms the body

The knowing 

Within

Flowing throughout

Body, heart, soul

And eventually

Mind, as one 

Ego's violent death throes 

Giving way to soul's life

Never has there been 

Such intimacy

With one's own soul

And every single soul encountered

All of creation  

Heartbeats joined

Infused, connected

It is all 

So

Very

MUCH

In the best way possible 

5:30

Standing in the bedroom, alone
Skin still too warm
From the work clothes
Now in a pile on the floor
Moving neck and shoulders
Easy circles
Tension release
Throws the hair clip
On the bureau
Ditches the jewelry
Takes a second
Eyes closed
Letting it all fall away
Except for breathing
In, out, in, out
Long hair tickling bare back
Body beginning to cool
Stretching across the bed
Just being

All of it
Floats just slightly out of reach
Lets it stay out there
Like so much flotsam
Finding center
Listening
Heartbeat
Sweet emptiness
Blessed fucking zero
Sacred silence
Nothing, Everything

After a time
Returning
Slowly
Allows the thoughts of the day
To seep back in
To the periphery
Of awareness
A slight discomfort
Like the butterfly
Pushing out into open air

Allowing, releasing, receiving, flowing
Now, yes
Sight finally clear
Heart sight
Standing now
Knowing

The Lily (for pK)

To be a lily
In your garden
Perfectly adorned
In the simple beauty
Of God's light
A smile to greet the day
And in this simple, daily exchange
All the mystery, love and joy
In the Universe

No Quarter

There used to be places to hide
Now
No cover
No quarter
Just stark fear
And even in this
I must consent
Running, quitting
Considered
But always
The truth catches up
There is only
Through
Strange
How the heart grows
Upon standing your ground
A brush of wings
The only refuge
In a time
That uproots
All