Triggers, Walls and Presence

I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately, about where the line is to be drawn. I've been contemplating that there are two extremes here.

The first is where you live only for other's expectations and/or an external set of rules. That becomes your validation of "self." I'm familiar with this one. There was a time when Catholicism, being a wife, being a mother, my ideas of how to be a "good person", fitting in, not rocking the boat, being a good 9-5er, and generally keeping people around me happy so I would know I was "OK" were my benchmarks for life and who I was. The danger here is that you become invisible, there is no "you" in your life and although you put a pretty picture out there of "I'm fine" the vast majority of the time you are far from fine.

The other extreme comes after you've faced a few things. You've dealt with some hairy shit, and you've come out the other side. You're feeling pretty good about yourself, and there's a sensation of having paid your dues in some way, whether you admit it or not. You've faced up to and owned all of your own crap. You've fallen on your face spectacularly and you survived. You begin to recognize and embrace your own good qualities, talents and creativity. Regardless of how you get to this point, and what tools and methods you use to help you, many of us then come to the "what to leave in/what to leave out" moments. In other words, you've changed in huge ways, and it becomes painfully obvious that there are some situations and relationships in your life that no longer fit, and they feel the same as wearing the wrong size clothes. It can be your job, your marriage, a friendship, your workout routine, your hair style, your car, old habits....anything. A lot of the time, it will be several things at once.

So, you learn to navigate those decisions and the strange happy/sad that releasing what is stale or a drain on you brings. You are simultaneously happy at the weight being lifted off of you, and sad at the ending of something that has been a part of you. This is difficult but it is truly a good thing. After this you become more conscious about your time and energy. You naturally gravitate toward people and situations that are on the same wavelength as you, and you're amazed because they seem to gravitate toward you, too! Beautiful synchronicity seems to follow you. I don't know about anyone else, but when this first happened to me it was such a rush! It still happens all the time and I never get tired of it. You also keep your distance from what doesn't work for you, and you get adept at having healthy boundaries in your life. You say yes and no with equal comfort and you get more practice at living from authenticity and not from misplaced guilt.

So far, so good!

The challenge comes when your healthy boundaries become walls. You see, it starts to feel really good to only go out and play and truly engage with people and situations that feel comfortable, that are a great match for you. The rest you filter out, and limit your interactions. Why do you need that shit, you reason to yourself? This is healthy for me. The less contact the better because if you let that stuff back in, you'll be triggered. If you're triggered, you'll feel uncomfortable. You don't like uncomfortable, this is to be avoided at all costs. If that happens, you'd have to ask yourself why that's bothering you and maybe have to face the fact that you do indeed have some emotions and habits that are speaking to you. You'd have to figure out what the message was. None of that sounds like much fun, so you slam the door. When things outside of your personal truth try to come close, you do whatever you have to do get rid of them. Dismissed! I'm beyond this!

For a few weeks now, this scenario has played out for me a few times. I've been in the position of being "dismissed" by other folks, usually in minor everyday conversations. In each situation, they clearly didn't mean anything personal, they just didn't have the bandwidth for where I was at in that moment, so they fluffed me off. I was finding myself extremely triggered by these situations, and have been extremely angry and defensive each time.

It is an annoying fact that when something is really pushing my buttons, there is a strong message for me there. Today,I finally sat down and asked myself why this was happening lately and why it was triggering me. I wasn't exactly overjoyed with what I realized when it first became clear.

The truth is, I've been doing exactly the same thing to other people. With people I consider "kindred souls" I am very comfortable, and walking in my integrity as the person I choose to be seems easy. With other people, with whom I'm not on the same wavelength, old defensive programming gets triggered. My need for validation kicks in, my desire to stay comfortable, and my need for safety. I'm so busy running old programs I can't really see the other person and I lose my self awareness. I can see that I was definitely slamming that door on people, too. I've been just as dismissive with some people who challenged my truth just by their daily modus operandi as the people who pissed me off were with me.

I'll sum this up with.......ugh.

I am blessed to know several people who have gift of simply holding space and being present for another person. They do this without any personal expectation for themselves, and there is no need for me to change or qualify for their presence. I can be exactly who and where I am right now, and I am accepted and even celebrated for it! It is a beautiful example of unconditional love. It's a game changer.

Holding these two very different ways of being next to each other really got me thinking. So, what's so bad about being uncomfortable? This time around, uncomfortable was a dear friend who had a really great lesson to impart to me, and I'm glad I sat and listened. Is it really realistic to think we should never be unhappy or uncomfortable? Does our belief system, our balance, our personal integrity really have to go unchallenged for us to not lose our shit? So, alright, a few conversations lately got me unhinged. I felt judged. Then I realized I was judging. Ah! Light dawns.....

So I'm back to precious balance, stasis, equilibrium. It will be challenged again, for sure. There's always something. It might feel like a sliver or a mosquito bite, or it may feel like losing a limb, but I know the lessons and changes don't stop rolling in. I'd like to think I'll be less resistant to the lesson the next time, but as I'm writing this I'm aware that which of my buttons is being pushed at the time has a lot to do with that!

I'm walking away from this with the knowledge that I do have some solid skills for keeping healthy boundaries, and honestly saying yes and no with firm compassion. I know that I won't be going back to the days when I operated only on what others filled me with in any given moment. Having said that, I know I'm not here to stay behind my comfortable walls, only hanging with people and in situations that "feel good." That's not life and it's not love, not for me. I think this is about having love and compassion for myself, and acceptance for exactly where I am at right now. Because if I can give that to myself, then I open up space within me. And that space that I'm lovingly holding for myself and my goals and dreams? There is more than enough of it, so I can hold that space for others, too. I can be present for them, and give that gift that has been given to me. The energy just keeps going around in this delicious circle.

There it is, that's it. That's what I came to do.

Goddess bless, what a beautiful day it is.

Thanks for reading me babies, love to you all.

When Night Comes

Scents slip through the night 

Seducing the senses 

Silken darkness comes 

Body rising at the touch

Love

No completion sought

Validation not required 

Beyond the shackles of expectation

Instead, Being

Body, mind, and spirit 

Integrated

Nothing denied

Power and vulnerability as one 

In body, bliss embraced 

Energy center pouring light

Dream speak, day and night 

Roots deep, winged heart 

Goddess' daughter 

Dark and light reconciled

The space between 

Where all things are born 

That's home field 

Existing in heart space 

Lovers entwined

Stars collide 

 

Presence

There is beauty to be found 

In the unexpected 

Joy lives in the surrender 

Of the way we thought it would be 

When unconditional love 

Guides the heart 

Space opens, and we hold that

One for the other 

We have clear sight, soul to soul 

Filled to overflowing in our giving 

We are made lighter 

This. Yes, this is the work of a lifetime 

To exist in moments such as this

And the beautiful circle continues 

My Sister Change

I am clothed in impatience 

Lusting for destruction 

Catching the rotting stench of sameness 

Slapping safety across the face when she approaches to help

I am sick of myself 

Critical of those around me 

Disgusted with all of the daily compromise 

Nauseous with the attempts we make at numbness 

Times of transition can be hard

In the past when my sister change came to visit 

I was not a gracious hostess

I fought with her 

I kept my parameters of acceptance so very narrow 

I called surrender impossible 

I tried to claim she was evil 

She is neither evil nor good 

She simply is 

And in truth my own thoughts and actions invited her to come

Whether I own that or not 

Now, I Am Fire

And I dream of burning it all down 

The purity of my heart's desires

And my soul's path

The only thing I can see

And all else has become like too much baggage

Dragged through the airport 

My sister change is visiting again 

This time I admit I eagerly invited her

She smiles at me 

She speaks of balance and deliberate, thoughtful steps 

She reminds me of all the sweet gifts 

In the garden of my everyday life

We spend time in quiet 

Contemplating the Love in all things

We talk about the keys to be found 

In walking daily with our siblings 

Especially Authenticity and Integrity 

I am a spirit of extremes 

Where my heart and soul are concerned 

My sister knows this

And with a smart-ass grin

Introduces me to our cousin, Patience

Patience has accomplished a great many things, Change explains to me

I guess I ignored her at the family reunions 

Because I honestly don't remember her at all

Change calls to the rest of the family 

To join the circle

Where she stands with Patience and I

Intent, Intuition, Action, Authenticity, Integrity and Will join us 

We hold hands around the fire 

Change looks at me across the circle 

And as our eyes meet 

I realize how much lighter I am 

Impatience, twin to Patience 

Had come for a short visit 

To remind me of the price of inaction 

A boot in the cosmic arse for motivation 

And then moved along on her way 

I silently thanked her for the help 

Realization dawned that with these allies

Every day would be an adventure 

Clear direction but surrendering the specifics 

In perfect love and perfect trust 

We sat down around the fire 

To rejoice in the day

And decide on next steps

 

 

Reason to Breathe

You are not a pack mule

To carry their expectations 

Your shoulder blades have wings between them 

Not to be crushed 

By the weight of so many shoulds 

So, while we all have 

Everyday life responsibility 

You get to choose how you do that 

You are a human being 

A gorgeous creation indeed 

Not created as a vessel 

To fill with making it right 

For sheep and rote formulas 

No. Oh no.

You, you get to do this your way

If you didn't 

What would be the point 

To continued breath 

On this pretty blue marble 

Shining in the cosmos 

So when you want to give in 

And all the world's shoulds are so heavy

When following the crowd seems best 

Stop 

Drop all that excess baggage 

Live 

Be different 

Allow the discomfort 

It's okay to rock the boat

We'll all learn to deal 

Embrace the risk

Do it your way 

Free your soul 

Never give up 

Tea and Wandering

Spearmint tea

Soft bed

Crickets and traffic competing outside

Warm skin, patiently alive

Bra tired breasts finally free

Eyes that want to close 

Fingers absently twirling hair

Words doing their dance all day 

Can never catch them all 

Some spill out onto the page 

While the others scamper off giggling

Like children, hand in hand 

You don't want to want but you do

And you breathe Love

Like an ecstatic ache 

The cat purrs and the clock chimes the hour 

The fortune teller who knows everything 

But sees nothing 

And in your definitive answerlessness 

You vibrate and pulse 

Like a fuzzy bee on a flower

Woman

So long asleep

No inkling 

Of your true nature 

Power 

Ecstasy  

Creator 

Destroyer 

Love

Integrated

Embodied

Beautiful 

Goddess

And there's where it's so bizarre 

Endlessly perfect geometric variation 

All of creation alive

Breathing, vibrating as One

And you're part of it! 

We all are

You lie naked across the bed 

Twirling your hair 

Car tires, neighbors voices

And random thoughts of the day 

Popping in and out of your awareness 

Like a mental game of whack-a-mole

You aren't really certain 

If you will alter the cosmos now

Or perhaps have more tea 

Both seem quite viable 

Good Things Are Going To Happen

There isn't any danger 

And there isn't any fear 

The specter of uncertainty 

No longer brings a tear 

Evidence of cares and woes 

Can pile up around 

And I don't need to see them 

To know that blessings abound 

In perfect love and perfect trust

I pull it all to me 

With gratitude and certainty 

From troubles I am free 

Good things are going to happen 

They happen every day

You see my friends, dear Wayne was right 

So, I say it night and day 

And so I walk with joy each day

I sleep with peace each night 

In the eyes of the Divine I'm precious 

And so there is no fright 

All we need will come to us 

I've never been so sure 

The Divine and I, we've got this 

We open every door 

Awakening in power 

This connection I do trust 

Love provides solutions 

And come to me they must 

So let us move the very stars 

For brothers and sisters they be 

All things created wish us well 

There's so much we don't see 

So now I rest, completely safe 

In this I am assured 

The wings of love surround us 

Sweet certainty endures

Sunday Rain

Sunday morning 

Rain falls

Rejuvenating

None are exempt from it's ministrations 

Sometimes we would rather 

Not have the rain touch us 

But she comes anyway 

Kissing our skin 

And bringing cleansing release

And so, I will choose no umbrella 

Thank you anyway 

I think instead 

I shall stand in the Rain

For I have known Love 

Both in Rain

And in Sun 

Inhabiting

Sometimes you're restless, because you'd love to have those answers all buttoned up. But, at times you're supposed to be uncomfortable, until you completely let go. 

There are days you're so open, you're convinced love could actually be fatal, the tenderness is overwhelming. 

There are discoveries that will blow the doors off of your safe places, leaving you in awe of the beauty and power that you are.

After a while, you realize you had it all wrong, just backwards, and you throw off the world's rules. Vulnerability is strength.

A broken heart is one of the most loving, fierce, unstoppable, powerful forces in the Universe. Magic is everywhere. There are way more than five senses. The desires of your heart are Divine, run with those! Your body is unique and exquisite, perfectly beautiful. If you can let yourself truly inhabit it and love it, it will tell you the secrets of where all the juicy, yummy things in life are. Pleasure is sacred. Do the things that bring a smile to your face and make your heart sing. If you don't say yes to yourself first, you'll never have anything to share with others. 

Life. It's the oddest dance, this deliciously fucked up, breathtakingly beautiful experience.  You stumble along, picking up clues, remembering who you are and why you came. Ever so slowly, that comes to rest in each cell, a bit more each day, as you finally learn to let go and enjoy the ride. Blessed fucking free fall!

Connection. 

With everything. 

Tuned into people's frequencies as the days make their way by. 

Just stunned by the souls you see. 

Dropping things by the side of the road as you go. No need to carry all that.

There's such freedom in this wide open place! Naked and trembling, you're just rocked to the core. Do you weep, laugh and exult, or take off and soar? There's nothing and nowhere left to hide, and you wouldn't go back even if you could. At first you think it's like the edge of a cliff, a dangerous rocky precipice, but it's the most truthful moment you've ever inhabited. 

Yes, open. 

Fully aware, awake, and participating.

The Goddess creates her Universe.

Holding the stars in your hands.

There's no up, no down.

No within or without.

Only being. 

One.

The Shift

You know it in your skin 

And at the very depth of you 

You thought it only existed among the winged ones

And in your brief visits 

To what lies beyond 

But then comes the day 

That love comes along 

Surrounds and infuses you

And asks if you'd like a guided tour 

Of all that you are 

You instinctively know that it's safe

So for once 

Instead of holding tight to your fear

You say yes 

Releasing all that isn't for you 

Letting go of what is toxic 

PARTICIPATING IN IT

The truth of what you are 

Draws everything out of you 

And it is just sheer ecstasy 

You are exquisitely aware

Embracing, knowing, experiencing 

Fully and completely 

Everything that you are 

Awestruck, amazed

Most profoundly alive

And suddenly 

It's not in a book 

It's not cerebral 

It's not a place to go in meditation 

It's YOU, you yourself 

Not just within you 

It IS you 

You are One

Your body is no longer something to overcome 

Or a suitcase to store the things you don't want to deal with right now 

Body, mind and spirit 

One soul, finally united

The gift you've received 

Priceless

The shift 

Unmistakable