What is this most peculiar feeling the last couple of days? I feel it in the morning quiet.
Spider greets me in the bathroom. She reminds me it's out there somewhere, on the web. Be still, she says, where is it that you feel the slight tugging on the web?
Ah. Yes. I do feel it. It is not actually a something, after all. It is the ABSENCE of a thing.
My dear old friends, distraction and illusion. They aren't here anymore. I sent them away. We used to hang out all the time. We were BFF's. They kept me from being right here, right now...in this moment, doing what I'm doing and feeling what I'm feeling. It was their job, and I loved it.
They were there every day to remind me that my truest life, and everything good was "out there somewhere" or attached to certain people or situations. The point they made was that it was never OK to be exactly in this moment. Here. Now. So right now, right here was not good enough, was powerless and had no value. And so was I, until I "got there."
I adored my best friends distraction an illusion. I loved having them around. I never really had to face right now. Because everything good was always in some nebulous future, I never had to put in the work and I never had to worry about failing.
I had installed myself in the most ridiculous catch 22. I was always assuming that everything good was in the future, always holding the present moment in contempt, and always the in an endless cycle of striving to get to the "good stuff." And, the "next great thing" that was going to "change everything" kept switching out every few months as I discovered that instant gratification wasn't coming. It was miserable.
Make no mistake. I've broken up with distraction and illusion before. But I've always ended up making the late-night panicked phone call and called them right back.
But not now. It's over.
So this morning, as I sit in the morning quiet before getting ready for work, I am enjoying the space that is no longer filled by my old friends distraction and illusion.
There is beauty, and power in this exact moment. I wake up every morning and I know what steps that I need to take to my goals. Most of the time there is not actually instant gratification. But, there is a quiet sense of purpose, a new understanding of my personal power, and a sweet peace that I haven't known in many years. I trust my path, I trust what's inside, and every day I'm doing the work of my life. I trust and love what is here in this moment, and I trust and love tomorrow. I know what I'm building, where I'm going. I know why I'm here.
Crooked little path, indeed. And I'm just loving it.