On Being Unquivocally Myself or "Shit I Used To Worry About"

There used to be a very long list of things I was worried about.  It was truly a long, long list, much of which was based around my fears of what others thought of me.  As time goes on, I've come to understand that to truly live, I have to love myself.  When I love myself and structure my life around what I'm drawn to, what I am excited about and feel joy doing, then I'm happier and have so much more to give to those around me.

And so, today, I will emancipate myself from all of the stupid things I formerly worried about.  Below, you will find a list of things I will no longer give any of my energy to.  I know who I am and I'm fully aware of my successes and failures.  I accept and love all of it.  I live from my integrity every day and it's time for me to stop acting like I need to apologize for who I am.  And so, this list below of completely idiotic worries/thoughts is now being thrown out with the trash.  I wonder - WHAT IS YOUR LIST?  I'd love it if everyone made a list of limiting thoughts and we all threw them out together!    Anyway, here's mine:

If you wear something slightly form fitting or revealing, you're trying too hard.

If you keep your long hair as you approach 50, it's not a style befitting your age.

Aren't you approaching the stage of the game where gals revert to "mom jeans"?

If you star, retweet or share a beautiful poem, tweet or FB post that mentions seduction or sex, you must be slutting it up on the side, or you have a "twitter crush" or you are "subtweeting."

You should stay "in the broom closet" about being a witch, some people won't understand.

Some people just aren't ready for the person you've become, so you should water yourself down a bit for these people, to avoid conflict.

If you're nice to a someone, you're automatically flirting.

You can't write in your blog about certain subject matter, it makes people uncomfortable, tame it down.

Never be seen in your bathing suit, because your body isn't perfect.

Only bad can come of challenging the way things are.

Women who think, write or speak openly and honestly about sex are sluts.

Once you've made a mistake, just be quiet and stop trying, clearly you're a mess.

You should stop coming up with so many outlandish ideas.  It makes you seem odd, and gives people the impression you don't finish anything, since there are always so many of them.

Keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. It's easier to just go with the flow.

Only the young and trim are beautiful and sexy.

You'll never accomplish anything substantial.

You should be more like......

Nothing in this world can ever change, what can one person do?

Well, that's MY list.  Now, what's yours?  Let's burn 'em all!!

Pincushion Ramblings

So, what's this all about?  Just a string of random thoughts.

When I get acupuncture, after the needles are placed, there's a time where I just simply relax, until it's time for them to be removed.  I absolutely love this time.  You can't really go very far with a bunch needles coming out of you at various angles, so you almost HAVE TO relax.  So, I figure, why fight it?  This is my time.

Sometimes I meditate, sometimes I drift off to sleep, think, or look at the patterns in the wooden beams on the ceiling. That last choice can be kind of trippy, but I digress.  Today, I just let whatever came to mind just flow out.  This is a little of it, or at least the part before it became incoherent and I fell asleep.   Hell, maybe you'll think the entire thing is incoherent.

I found myself looking back at events in my own life, and reflecting on things that have happened to family, friends and loved ones.  I couldn't help but notice a pattern - how very often we put ourselves in a position of being sad or upset because we want things to be one way and they are not. The fear, the despair, the anger, blaming, bitterness, sadness and the giving up times are all examples of the hell we put ourselves through.

We expect people to know what we have never said and maybe never even shown, we think "they should know!"  Actually, no, they shouldn't "just know".  Yes, they more than likely do want to speak or act, but they're scared. We rarely see that.  We only know our own expectations, and so fed by pride and fear, we can't let ourselves reach out, either.  So, people just sit there, with all this crap between them, preventing a true human connection when all they really want is to step into the warmth of loving acceptance.

Yeah, expectations.  They really can suck the life out of you.  I'm not advocating a fake happiness where we all pretend we're thrilled with life when we aren't.  There are times to "go" when taking action is key, and there are times to "flow", times when surrendering to the current brings us to new places, people, situations, and realizations.  I find "go" vs "flow" to be an ongoing lesson, it's not easy for me.   I'd much rather control things, and I suspect I'm not alone in that.

We feel more comfortable when we can control things.  So we set rigid parameters, and build our expectations around them.  This takes all of the responsibility off of us and puts it on the people and situations we encounter.  This is convenient so that we can blame them later when things don't work out. And so we put our rules out there:

I can only be happy in my work if it's this type of job or situation.
If this person truly loves me, they will know to do this and this and that.
Mr. or Ms. Right has to be exactly like this.
This vacation is only fun if it goes exactly according to plan.
I work hard and I'm a good person.  This kind of bad shit shouldn't happen to me.
Success can only look exactly as I have pictured it.
I can only be friends with certain types of people.
I can't try that kind of activity, that's not for me.

The list goes on and on and on, and we all have one.  I know I do. My own situation as an intuitive, creative, non-linear right brained gal trying to make it in cubicle world is a perfect example.  For so long I looked at it as just a paycheck, a trap and had nothing to offer beyond keeping the roof over my head.  I've come to learn that the skills I use there are definitely valuable outside of work, the people I work for and with are wonderful and I am the one, with my thoughts and actions, that chooses how every day will go.  Hey, I don't know much but this is working right now, I'll say that. I try and jettison the negative stuff, I decide to have a good day, and then move my ass.  The things I want to change, I have to create a plan and then do it.

The Serenity Prayer really does say it well: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

As I just layed there, letting the needles do their work, it just hit me, all the walls we all put up.  I do, I can say that.  Every time I pull one down, I find another one to go knock out. I guess we think we can avoid pain, discomfort and heartbreak that way. We put walls up if people don't do what we wanted them to do.  We're sad or enraged if a situation doesn't go as we'd hoped. We hide from ourselves and refuse to voice our needs to anyone, then get upset if they're not met. We're scared to death if people are different than we are.  We're often so risk averse that we can't move.  When we make a mistake, we want to be forgiven.  But when others make a mistake,  it seems incredibly hard to give that gift of forgiveness.

It's sort of like being 5 years old, playing in the Maytag box after mom's new washer arrives.  You climb in there, it's hidden and safe, and nobody can see you.  But then you get upset because you're alone in there!  Um...then climb back out!

The last thing I recall thinking before I drifted off was  how much more enjoyable life is when we can simply give each other a break. I'm not saying let's all be human carpets.  But think about it.  Do you ever wake up and say to yourself in the mirror "HEY! I think I will just absolutely SUCK at my life today!"   Do you ever stand in the shower in the morning and maliciously plan to make an idiot mistake that ends up spilling onto others?  Of course you don't.  None of us do.  We do the best we can, in each moment.  Most of us aren't stupid or heartless.  We're just scared, so we do stupid things.

It reminds me of something a very dear friend said to me not long ago.  My friend has one of the biggest hearts I've ever known, although some might not suspect it.

"We are all human and flawed. Life is too serious to be taken seriously, enjoy life."  

Furry Zen

Over coffee this morning, I was listening to some recordings of recent talks at a local Zen center.  I was  apparently listening very intently, because I was suddenly brought back to the present moment by the soft touch of a paw on my bare arm.

Our feline family member, Stevie, had decided I'd been lost in my concentration quite long enough, because he stood up on his hind legs, and reached up to touch me...."Um, hey!  I'm here!"

When I felt the soft paw touch, I looked down at Stevie, standing there reaching up for me.  He's got a strikingly beautiful face.  Looking into his eyes, I couldn't help but smile.  I could still hear the recording in the background, but I was just in the moment.  I stopped and spent a few minutes just enjoying the cat, and he certainly reveled in having my attention back on him.

The recording, my tentative plans for the day, my concerns and thoughts about the future, everything else fell away and Stevie and I just spent a few simple, fun moments together.

I'm sure the people on the recordings had many wonderful things to say.  But to be honest, the one who gave me a nugget of wisdom this morning, was Stevie.

Existence Kiss

She abides
In the expanse of space
Between the night
And dawn's bright face
Where time does not exist
Clothed in silken purple
Adorned with freedom
Sweetest rhythm
Body swaying
Dance of sheer delight
Each movement
Existence kiss
Heart, spirit
Calling forth
That which must be
And the River, lovingly
Washes away
All that belongs
On another path
There is no seeking
Love Is

States

At times, a question mark.
The calm mirror of water.
Swirling, dancing like breath on a January morning.
Occasionally, darkness.
Often, fire!
Always, love.

Morning's Decision

Morning tea
Greet the day
Decision time
Staying open
Remaining raw
Centered
Determined
Loving

Past mistakes
Destructive self judgement
Even random occurrence
The "odds"
At the periphery of the mind
Beckoning loudly
Tempting you
Come back in here
Behind the wall
It's safe here

Smiling
Sending doubt and fear on their way
Conscious choice
Stay the path
Be love
Work
Believe
Spread light
Messy, beautiful, unpredictable life

Somewhere between glory and horror
The place where your feet
Will touch the earth today
And every day

Walk. Live. Love. Be.