On Being Me

 "You at some point try to be a better person and change your ways to make everyone happy, and then that goes on for a while," he exclaims. "Then, you get to a point where you're like, 'F**k it, I'm me!'"

Chris Cornell (Intro to "Can't Change Me" on "Songbook")

I enjoy being playful.  I take it as a compliment when someone thinks I'm "strange" or "quirky".   If I shouldn't, I'm probably going to.  Irreverent?  Yes, that describes me quite well.  In many situations, if I really "should" take something seriously, I often find I just can't muster the feeling.  Some things that a lot of folks place importance on just don't impress me.

There are, naturally, times in life when we need to be serious.  When it comes to the ones in the "should" category, in the corporate world or just socially, the "it just isn't done" world, those are the places I just can't take you or me seriously.  None of it is half as important as we're making it out to be. Really.  Get over it.

Interestingly enough, I'm not doing any of this to get a reaction from people.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes people's reactions are entertaining, but they're never the why behind my behavior.

Sometimes I say, do, or post things that people enjoy. Other times people think I shouldn't have.  That's cool with me, it's all good.  Wouldn't the world be boring if we all though the same way?  I respect differing opinions.  Regardless of what you think of me, or my writing, I'm glad you stopped by and I'm glad you have an opinion.

The thing is - I'm actually getting more and more comfortable in my own skin and I'm basically just being unapologetically me.

A good friend recently pointed out to me that I haven't REALLY done or said anything that would be considered outrageous, and suggested that I could still stand to loosen up considerably.  I had to agree with her.  That's why it's so funny to think that there are folks out there who are surprised or shocked at my beliefs, comments, posts, approach to life, etc.  That just shows you how long I was stifling myself before I decided to, as the quote above says, say "F**k it, I'm me!" Now, some folks don' t know how to take some of what comes out of me.

I've gotta say, I'm having fun.  Fun.  Every day.  Enjoying my life.  I spent a quarter of a century, literally, doing, saying and wearing what was expected.  Showing up.  Checking those boxes.  Keeping my opinion to myself.  Yessing everyone.  Doing what was expected.  Who told me to do this?  Me.  I thought that's who I was.  I thought that to be a good person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend....etc....that you had to please the entire world.

I finally woke up and realized that I was being a fake.  I was pretending to be a conservative, Catholic christian, republican, quiet, mild-mannered person.  That's not who I am.  I am not remotely conservative.  I think being quiet and mild-mannered is overrated, it doesn't work for me.  I'm going to express myself, I'm a big mouth sometimes.  Although I'm a christian to a certain extent - my spirituality is so much BIGGER than that now.  I'm not remotely religious.   And I am UNEQUIVOCALLY NOT A REPUBLICAN. If you ARE a Republican, and that works for you, then I respect that.  But it is absolutely not who I am.  (Frankly there isn't a party that I fit perfectly into)

My passion for my writing, the way I dress, my crazy music addiction, the things I think are cool, the things that get me excited - some people may think that's fighting my age.  OK, so what's appropriate for my age?  Am I supposed to buy "mom jeans" ?  Does it mean I'm not allowed to listen to Avenged Sevenfold because I'm not in the right demographic?  Should I not put my all into my writing because people who are "pushing 50" don't just reinvent themselves?

Nope, sorry folks. To quote Lewis Carroll, "I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then."  I am getting to be "more me" every day.  I like me.  I'm gonna rock the life I have and make it more exciting, more amazing, more fun and more ME every day.  And I'm going to love the people I'm blessed with in my life while I do it.  That's how it works.

Hey, thanks for stopping by again.  Rock your life.

 

Delight

"The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention." -- Julia Cameron

Stop fantasizing
Live
Yes, imagine!  Feed your soul!
Beauty, music, inspiration
But walk in the real world
Notice everyday miracles

It's OK to walk with one foot in another plane
See, feel, acknowledge the mystical
That you know to be real

But have the other foot
FIRMLY
In the beautiful life you have right now
Here, in front of you

There's wonder in the everyday
Be present for it.

A Tugging

Does it feel impossible?  Do you keep thinking of it?  It's something you should be following then.  This tugging sensation, of something nagging at you, it will stay with you for some time.  If you ignore it long enough, it will go away.  When that happens, you've missed it  - the gift that the universe had put aside just for you.  There will be others, but this one gift, this moment, has passed and you will never know what it would have meant in your life and the lives of others. Don't let these moments go, that intuition is more than just a feeling.  Act on it!  Write it down.  Believe it, because synchronicity does happen for people and you shouldn't waste what is waiting there just for you.  The "Law of Attraction" isn't magic - it's about your belief in yourself and what CAN be.  When you walk forward in this belief, these moments do happen.  Keep your eyes and your heart open. Acting on it is the work but it's well worth it!

Never Alone

* Written on 1/17/12 / Lunch Hour / Listening to Alter Bridge, specifically "Words Darker Than Their Wings"  This is written as a love letter to everyone.

Do you think that we're alone?  When you die, what is it that you think happens?   When I think we might be alone, I feel empty, cold, and hopeless, and there is no light.  But you don't have to believe in a traditional deity to know that we are not alone.  I know there is more, even if it is simply what we ARE together. This is about more than the time we spend walking upon this earth.  Some of us believe in a formal "Father" based concept of a deity.  Others do not. Our beliefs are as varied as the paths we followed in order to arrive at these beliefs. I have known for a long time that we can reconcile all of these different beliefs.  We have more in common than we realize, and if we knew how connected we were we would weep, with both sorrow and joy.

Do you understand?  I have felt it and I am consistently frustrated because I am compelled to write, and write, and write until I cannot write anymore.  I can try and try, and I cannot capture this - and it is the most important thing I will ever write.  Today I make another stab at trying to share this with you, and yet I'm only moving all the sand on the beach with a teaspoon.

Still, I will try, and I will keep trying.  I need so much for you to know, and so I'll keep throwing myself at this wall until it falls. It will fall. 

I have gone inside, where there is only me - alone - with my soul.  Do you know what I found there?  I found MYSELF.  I found EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.  I found GOD.  All three of these things are tied together, they exist within one another. How could you walk around each day and not see yourself the way I see you?  It kills me, in all seriousness.  Do you really think that you could be some empty random accident?

You are a precious and beautiful creation.  Yes, YOU.  This is why when I simply LOOK at other people, I am sometimes overwhelmed, when I catch that little moment of truth in your eyes.  I am overcome, because I KNOW what you may not realize - what you are - how amazing that is.  If you could only see yourself as I see you.

And so this writer will write.  I will write about many things over the course of my life, because I  can no sooner stop writing than I can stop breathing.  But THIS MESSAGE, that I have made such a pathetic attempt tonight to share with you - this is what I will keep trying to tell you.

Light and Love to you all.

My Voice

My voice is sometimes naive
Unsophisticated
Speaking from what I know
Other times I speak from need
I want you to hear me
Afraid I'll disappear
The days when I speak from joy
Are the best of all
Recognize the brightness
Once in a while my voice cracks
And the sound is small
It's because I am afraid
When I am sure of myself
My voice is strong
And I cannot be stopped
My hopeful voice comes
Because I have seen
And I believe what I know comes
I speak with passion
When I am full
I must share it!
Whatever comes
In spite of the joys
And in the midst of the sorrows
Throughout it all
My voice
It is my own
I do not apologize
For my voice
Is me

Opinion vs. Hating

Sometimes it seems like it gets to be the "in thing" to hate on somebody on social media.  (Current examples in music would be Nickelback, Scott Stapp....)  In other words, someone falls out of fashion, and suddenly it's the cool thing to trash on them.  This has nothing to do, really, with the person's talent, in my eyes.  People trash them because it's currently "in fashion" to do so.  It's a cheap shot and it's not necessary.  Frankly, it lowers my opinion of the speaker significantly.  It seems to have nothing to do with whether the speaker likes whomever may be the "out of flavor of the month", and it has nothing to do with their talent level. This is about trashing people just because it's the popular thing to do.
 
I could give you a list of artists that I do not listen to because I can't stand their music, and you'd frankly have to pay me to go see them.  Does anyone see me trashing them on Facebook or Twitter?  Not so much.  It's one thing to say for example "I don't like country music" and another altogether to say nasty shit about a particular artist.  I don't think anyone just wakes up and goes "Yeah, I think I'll go out and just do things that outright SUCK." 

I mean, OK - clearly some people have enormous amounts of talent, drive, creativity, charisma, and we all have strong opinions on who we think really rocks it.  But that doesn't mean character assassination is necessary.

It's one thing to sit and have an intelligent conversation about music, movies, or whatever and express your opinion.  It's quite another to needlessly trash someone.  OK - off my soapbox.  I needed to get that out of my system.

What We Are To Each Other

I don't think we realize what a difference we can make in the lives of others.  I don't believe in co-incidence.  If two people, or a group of people, have met in some way, then we add something to the color of each other's lives.  This is how it's supposed to be. This can be a 10 minute interaction, or a lifelong relationship.  The point is, we are all here to help each other.  We all weave the threads of our lives together into something more, something beautiful.  Maybe you opened the door for me at the bank, or maybe I paid for your coffee because you left your wallet at home, or you encouraged someone on Facebook or Twitter during a tough day, or we had a great conversation while stuck in the airport - whatever - maybe I'll be your friend forever, or maybe I'll never see you again.  The point is, we connected.  We added something to each other.  A moment, or a conversation - these connections can be profound - they can really add something.  You don't need to label them and put them in a box or slot, so that you can define them.  Just being thankful - that we all have each other - is enough.

The Sweet Times (Happy is Right Here)

You're sitting next to me
And I wonder if you know
I spend so much time trying to "run away"
Trying to get to that next thing
Find "that thing" that will be the "big happy"
Really, though.....baby you're beautiful
And I think maybe the happy is right here
Today, while you sit and chill out
And my fingers glide over the keys
I look in my heart and find you there
My darling, my own - you always have been
Whatever happens, you just roll with it
Sometimes we get tired and life beats us up
But it's so sweet, between the lines
All I need to do is make eye contact with you
Watch that smile of yours, that smile
The way your eyes crinkle up in the corners when you're happy
I've heard that there is beauty in the every day
And I think that I've been spending so much time
Trying to get to the "thing that's better"
That I'm not noticing how amazing it is right here, right now
I know now that I need to be true to myself, and to my art
And I can't make compromises, and let the "crazymakers" change me
But you're not one of those compromises
You're the smile in my heart, my love
I'm going to walk my path but I'm going to walk with you
And I'm going to live in this moment
These are the sweet times

ARTIST

Am I an artist?  I love to write.  I'm not sure, really, if I'm any good.  I'm working to reinforce that - allowing myself to believe that.  Can I say  "I am an artist" and believe it?  I guess I feel like if I say that, am I being pompous?  Really, I'm just trying to figure out what the heck I'm all about.   Bob Dylan said, "An artist is always in a state of becoming."  Clearly, most of us are no Dylan - heaven knows I'm not.  But if an artist is always in a state of becoming, then perhaps I can actually say that I am an artist.  I'm also reading Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way".  There's a section in the book where she talks about not comparing the work you're doing right now with the masterwork of an artist who does what you want to do/love to do.  I was actually doing that - comparing my writing to major writers and poets.

What do I already know?  I know I love to write, especially poetry. Lets do this.  If I keep "trying" and "working toward" I'll never get anywhere.  When I believe something with all that I am, then I can manifest it.  The Law of Attraction isn't magic - it's about your own belief and drive giving you what you need to get where you want to go - and enjoy the journey too!

Lets do this. Now.

I AM AN ARTIST.

I give myself permission to suck.  I give myself permission to write bad poetry.  I give myself permission to grow and get better.  I give myself permission to be my complete, uncensored, oddball self.

I DO NOT GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO GIVE UP OR TO DOUBT MY ART.

What is a writer?  A writer is a person who cannot imagine a day without writing, regardless of whether anyone sees it or likes it.


What is an author?  An author is a person who is lucky enough to get paid to be a writer.

Sometimes I DO suck.  Other times, maybe a flash of something special.  We all have that.  But I can't second guess myself anymore.  I am a writer.  I am a poet.  This is who I am.  Maybe you can' t stand what I write. Maybe you like it.  Either way, this is who I am. It's OK either way, I'm glad you stopped by to read me for a minute - I appreciate it.  I want you to feel something - whether you like it or even if you think I can't write to save my life.  Just have an opinion!

Bless you on your life's journey - may all who stop by here be blessed with the opportunity to do that which makes them feel passionate and excited about life every day. 

The Unraveling

If at times I crave the unraveling of it all
Please forgive me, for it is not out of contempt
It is only that I do not know where I belong
And when I feel like this, I don't know who I am
But, I have come to know
That when I let go and stop hiding
Only what is real is left

Sometimes, the truth is so big, and I feel so small
And I think that I must be useless, broken
But, far from the noise of the everyday
Where we work to be heard
There is another song, and it calls to my heart
In the quiet, where there is truly no silence!
I can hear it.  And it's beauty breaks my heart.

In these moments, I can feel...everything
And it is so unalterably honest, I cannot hide from it
I can only be that which I am
And there is acceptance of my full being!
And connection with all that is

Each day is truly a new beginning
And the stuff of our dreams is woven in
Throughout the mundane, and hidden in the everyday
Messages of  hope,  moments of bliss
Come to us in the darkness
We do not often see or hear
That which is directly in front of us.

So forgive me if I crave the unraveling
Truly I cannot help myself
Because I know that when I let go
Of all that I hide behind
Only what is real will be left

Power

It's taking my breath away, watching you, and listening.  You are open, and IT just flows from you.  You're so connected, and it spills over.  That must be why it feels SO GOOD to watch and listen.  It's even more amazing, because now I understand.  I can touch that too, and be connected.  It brings tears of joy - it's got to be the ultimate release!   Tapping into the power, and letting IT just flow!   My life is a canvas. I know I AM, and together, as one - connected - we will paint my life.  It makes me feel humble and filled with joy.  Grateful.

Beautiful

Do you know you're beautiful?
I know, you've made mistakes
You've screwed up a few times
Maybe a lot
Things haven't worked out the way you'd hoped
But that's OK with me

Phantoms try and haunt you
And tell you that you should quit
They don't believe, but you have to
You've learned from those mistakes
That's part of you
Own it, learn from it, then move on
There's power in that movement

You're truly amazing
Inside and out
Please.  Don't let your light go out
We need it here!
It's OK to be flawed
You're still fucking beautiful
Never forget that

Cameras of the mind
Snap and keep those moments
And you replay them to your utter destruction
Better to stop and notice which way the wind blows today
Stop. Inhale. Exhale.
Believe in yourself in this moment.

Music

Thank you, Music
For your healing touch
When I hear you
I am restored
My soul returns to me
And I can breathe again

You are inside of me
But when the world is too loud
Sometimes I can't hear you
I can't hear my own voice
My soul gets lost

But there are those
Who hear the music
And they share their art
And in sharing, their souls as well
Not knowing if anyone will listen
I am listening

You fill my ears at first
And soon I know you in my soul again
And breath returns to my lungs
A bit at a time, life force returns
And existence is not so insane
For just this moment

Walking With One Foot In Another Plane

We walk around in our physical bodies each day, on this planet.  And for the time that we draw breath on this little blue orb, this is the physical plane of our existence.  I firmly believe it is not the only plane that we exist on.  Our spirits, the energy or life-force that is within us, exists on multiple planes.  There is so much more to our world, to ourselves, and to our connections with the world, and each other than the actual space that we inhabit.

In time, there exists a truth that we do not always touch in our everyday lives.  The motion of our souls is tantamount to a stirring, like that of the ocean waves.  Infinite wisdom is available to any and each of us, if we but touch it.  Where do you suppose intuition comes from?  Why, I wonder, do we look for God, or that something larger than ourselves, outside?  Why do we so often assume that we are empty and that we must look elsewhere to be filled?  If you are a child of God - a child of this earth - AND LET ME TELL YOU NOW - YOU ARE - doesn't it make so much  more sense that you and I; each of us; would arrive here connected? 

Each of us has a spark of creation inside of us.  God did not create empty, dead things.  This means that YOU ARRIVED HERE PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL.  Regardless of what has happened to you in your life, regardless of what people have done to you, despite anything and everything you've done, and despite what you may believe about yourself, your life, and your possibilities - YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH AND YOU MATTER.

I'll ask again. Where do you suppose intuition comes from?  Naturally, we all have some basic knowledge of life based on experience.  Having said that, have you ever had the experience of simply knowing something, when you clearly have no way, really, to know it? 

Some of us have the experience of "picking up information" about someone when we make eye contact.  I can see things about you if you return my eye contact, and you do not hide.  It doesn't mean that I know everything about you, and it doesn't stop you from being purposely deceptive. But it does mean that I just "saw" you, a little piece of you, some truth.  It happened because I looked and you didn't hide.  And I didn't hide from you either.

The same thing happens in nature.  We are connected with each other and with the earth.  The earth, like us, is alive.  She whispers to us, and tells us the truth.  Spending quiet time in nature is a very moving experience, because there is never actually silence in what we have come to know as silence.  There are things to be learned, by listening, watching, and being open.  You will suddenly know something, inside of you - and it's as if the knowledge was always there, but you didn't realize it until that very moment.  It's as if a shell cracked open and now you can see what you hadn't seen before.  When this happens, the rush of joy can just knock you over.  Do I laugh, do I cry - oh that I had wings so that I might take flight!

Walking with one foot in another plane.  Let me say unequivocally that if you do, some folks will simply not "get you."  That's OK!  I'll admit sometimes it's sad,  because you can feel alone.  If you aren't walking through life with anyone at all who sees and hears and experiences life the way you do, it can be tough.  I do have times when the need to be with someone, even if for only an hour - someone who "gets me", is huge.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything.  (I know you're out there, and we'll have our conversation someday.  I can wait.)

This almost invisible gossamer thread that weaves through my soul and through yours tells me we are all connected.  Because it is there,  I see and hear what there is to learn in nature.  Because it is there, I feel more alive.  When I look into a person's eyes, or spend time in a beautiful, natural place -  I can be in touch with the truth. 

Talk about living in the space between!  It's truly a good place to be. 

Watershed Moments

 By definition, a watershed moment is a moment that changes everything.  After this, nothing can ever be the same.  Based on this, the expectation would be that a watershed moment would be a dramatic, visible thing that happens to you - something everyone would notice.

I've come to believe that it is possible to have these moments inside of oneself.  Music, meditation and poetry do this for me.  Sometimes someone else's writing can do this for me, also. Or, I can be listening to music, driving along - and all of a sudden WHAM!  The truth in the lyrics will hit me like a 18 wheeler coming at me from the other direction.  Then I start thinking of a poem - the words just start flying like crazy and I'm just trying to hang on to them until I get the car parked so they don't fly away!

I've been unalterably changed by these moments when I'm alone, either in meditation or listening to music.  And my outlook changes - the way I think about a key part of my life, who I am, how I relate to the world around me will change.  That is what this "being open" has felt like over the past few months. Another piece of this endless puzzle unlocks.

When I feel like this, I think it must be the most exquisitely beautiful pain ever, because there I am having a soul altering moment - I want to laugh - I want to cry - I feel like I could fly - OH BUT WAIT, I need to be at work in 10 minutes.  And I'm torn in half - wanting to escape to a wild place where I can just be, and let my soul fly free - and find I AM in the wilderness and inside myself.  But instead I go to work and I feel like I do not belong.  But people depend on me so I do what I must.  And I'm honored to do it.

The juxtaposition of these two feelings is what it feels like inside of my head, inside of my soul every living, waking moment.  And THAT is why I write - because I must.  I am compelled to.  If I don't the words - the feelings will rip me to pieces!  And I'll say it again - God  help me - "open" is amazingly painful sometimes but it's also such a fucking beautiful place to be I will never go back to being closed.  I love living in this horrifyingly wondrous space where I "see" everything.

So let the watershed moments come.   I am so grateful, so thankful for every moment I have to live in this beautiful place we inhabit.  Do we really know how breathtaking life is?  Sometimes I think we lose sight of it. Having the soul of a poet, and embracing that,  means I can never stop seeing and feeling it.  So, if that makes me a little unusual, here's to being an oddball! 

We are all beautiful and broken and amazing and we live in this crazy, mystical place.  Hallelujah.  Blessed Be.

2012

Why did I wait so long

Playing it safe, no risks

Stifled, frustrated by everything

Surrounded by situations

That are a bad fit

Thought I was doing the right thing

Being a "good girl"

Now I just want to SCREAM

Just tell everyone to GET LOST

LEAVE ME ALONE! 

My own fault

But no more

I made this bed

Now I'm unmaking it

Day to day

Small and large

Decisions

Living it right

TAKING RISKS

Letting you know up front

Not going back now

No more "safe path"

Sorry if this is hard for you

But I'm done with the easy path

I was created to LIVE

Thoughts on Christmas Day

I have quite varied thoughts on this Christmas Day.  The second half of this year has been one that has seen me in the midst of what my gals and I are calling my "mid-life crisis."  My husband and sons are also aware of it, since, if possible, I'm even stranger than usual.  My 3 best friends, my hubby and my sons are all dealing with the newest of my quirks wiith good humor, support and listening ears.  I am so grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life.  Today was a good opportunity to reflect on how blessed I am to have them in my life.

Although my inner journey this year has definitely manifested in my being much less "religious" than I ever have been, I am without a doubt more spiritual than ever. This, to me, is where I have always belonged.  The times in my life when I have embraced this approach have been the times that I have felt the most "at home" within myself, and this is clearly where I belong.

I am so very thankful for my family and friends.  During the last few months of soul searching, I have spent a good deal of time reflecting on my life, and frankly, whether I belonged in this life I am walking through every day, with the people I am with.  So far, I have come to two conclusions.  The first is that if you need to make changes, this means you need to get off your ass and ACT - if you know something in your life isn't right you need to take meaningful action in direction of what it is that you want.  The second conclusion I've come to is that if my head isn't screwed on straight, then dumping my life and the people in it and getting a "new everything" is not going to suddenly mean my head IS screwed on straight.  I love my family and friends.

The changes I need to make come down to this.  What makes me excited and passionate about life?  I don't feel that you can or should pin your happiness factor on your family and /or your friends, and expect them to fulfill that for you.  You should love them but let them be who and what they are.  This way,  you love and support each other freely and walk through this life together.  Your happiness, your passion - those belong to each of us and we are the captain of that ship!  For me, this is about poetry, writing, music, new challenges, expressing my world view through my work, and the way I live my everyday life - what kind of decisions - large and small - am I making daily that are make this journey authentic as far as who I am as a person?

Although some parts of the last few months have been difficult as I faced truths about myself, my life, my relationships and my decisions, I am glad that this excavation has been happening.  This journey has  been beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for anything - even the hard parts.  Without those difficult parts, I would never have those exquisitely beautiful moments, either.  That's where the poetry lives - in-between the lines of everyday life.

As I spend time changing my day to day decisions - I am walking closer to my truth each day.  Each moment of the journey is important.  Sometimes I screw up, yeah, we all do.  At times, I screw up in a stellar, BIG amazing way.  But each new morning is another chance to wake up, and rock this life I have! So, whether it's my look, my music, how I spend my downtime, volunteering, a job change, learning a new skill, or trying something I've never done so I can open up my horizons - every day is a gift.

I've got amazing friends. Nicole, Cindy and Becky - you are truly my sisters, and you add so much to my life. I know that what we have is rare and precious.  Thank you for the gifts that you are. My sons are one of the most amazing blessings in my life.  Mother is a heart-stopping, soul-altering experience and I am thankful every single day for Patrick and Joshua. Rob - you've walked this journey with me for over 25 years - through the good and the bad.  You are courageous, hard-working, and you manage to combine sensitivity and strength, and a sense of humor into one amazing person.  Also, inside of that 6 ft 3 inch frame, is a little boy, and I'm so glad you've kept him alive in there - because sometimes you let him out and he still sees the world with such wonder that it brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.  I'll love you forever, baby.

My mother is an example of the loving, giving person I want to be - you don't let anything beat you and if I have half your love and strength to give the ones I love, I'd be grateful - thank you for your example each day..  Brad - you face all of the difficult parts of your life situation with a sense of humor, and you teach me not to take myself so seriously.  Jean - we've come a long way - we dont always agree but we've built something that combines sisterhood, friendship, respect and loyalty.  No matter what happens, it's nice to know I have someone who has my back.

I have countless other friends and relatives that I am so grateful for, so many I could never name them all. Our cousins are so special to us, we love you so, so much!

Looking forward to 2012 - I want to keep what is good from 2011 -  the appreciation I have for family and friends, and a willingness to look - with open eyes- at myself and my life so that I can see what to keep in and what to leave out.  I want to move forward with an open mind and heart.  I want to try new things, be willing to take risks, and explore new territory. I'm ready to rock 2012.

Merry Christmas. Much love and light to everyone reading this, and to those you love.

Complicated Bliss

She is two sides of the same coin.
Nurturing one moment, self-absorbed the next
She can make you feel like the world revolves around you
And a moment later, make you feel like you don't matter
She loves you with everything that she is
But everything that she is can be complicated
You can't take the good without the bad
She's your living Yin and Yang
Hot and Cold.  Yours but not.
Always withholding something for herself.
She'd never step out on you, but you're always afraid she will
She's every color of the rainbow, all at once.
And the darkness is always there, too.  Simmering below the surface.
For better for for worse, she IS yours.
And you're a stronger man for having stood by her side.
And you give her the same.
Strength. Fire. Courage. Quiet understanding.
She knows in her heart that YOU'RE AMAZING
You're man enough to be hers.  And she's happy to be yours.
Comfortable only in your arms.
It will never be easy, but you figured that out a long time ago.
But, together, you shine so bright.  And that's the way it should be.

A Meeting with Myself 3

Today, in meditation, I went to the quiet places.  I met my true self there.  Today, she looked.....like  me.  Just exactly the way I look today, except perhaps more.....me..........more centered.  She was quiet in her demeanor today.

She said "What do you need right now?"  I couldn't answer her.

So, instead she asked me a question. "Why does the Eagle fly?"  For some reason,  I could answer that.  I said, "Because it's his nature to do so."  She smiled, because I understood.

What is it in MY nature to do?  Music, poetry, the spoken word - and using these to reach - to touch other people - this is what it is in MY nature to do. To borrow a line from Henry David Thoreau, if I "walk confidently in the direction of my dreams", then I am doing that which I am supposed to be doing. 

Yes.  The details of everyday life often feel like a drain, and threaten to take away the things that make us what and who we are.  But we cannot let this happen.  We must keep doing what makes us excited, stick with what we are passionate about.  I already know that when I do this, I am happier.  I have more love and patience and excitement to spend time with my loved ones.  So, no giving up. 

Follow  your dreams.

What Does Freedom Feel Like ?

A green place
The breeze blowing, I can feel it on my neck
Time to.......just be
Inhale.  Exhale.

I can let the words flow.
Unfettered.
I have time to sit, to figure out what's inside today
Time to let it happen

Then, I rise and seek you out
We can wrap around each other
And for this, too, there is time
Time to melt, blend together, and come away.....altered.

This is what freedom feels like.

Everyday Life

Taking joy in the everyday
Realize the truth
It doesn't have to be glamorous
At times,  it's very subtle
Quiet and Peaceful
There's power in the small
And vitality in those moments
The ones we spend together

So, by all means, reach out
Hear the music and let the words flow out
But use them to ADD TO
Not IN PLACE OF
Like spices added to a beautifully prepared meal
Not like a drug, something you use to avoid life

So, be that Rock N Roll baby, you know it's who you are
But rock the day you're standing in now
Live in THIS MOMENT
If you don't, you can't ever get anywhere

Life IS a journey - not a destination.

Separation

A few days I go, someone I follow on twitter was tweeting about missing their love, because one was travelling without the other.  I thought this was something we've probably all dealt with at some point in our lives.  I sat down to write and this is what came out.  Sometimes I worry that my "talent" for rhyming poems sounds a bit like a sappy Hallmark card, but the damn things keep coming out, and so here you go.

If thoughts have wings
And you know they do
Then you're not out of reach
I close my eyes, and there you are
I can always be with you

Connected.  We are always one.
Regardless of how far.
Amazing how the spirit flies
Even beyond the stars

Your smile, it's such a light to me
I can close my eyes and see
Till once again, when we can touch
Together, me and thee

Whine - no. Act - yes.

What a load of bullshit my last post seems like, now that I re-read it.  Sound whiney, doesn't it?  Really, if I want change I need to stop whining, get off my ass and MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Wild ...but Safe ?

Sometimes I think I will drive myself crazy.  .  I have these two parts of my personality that are at war with each other.  One part is the gal who has been playing it safe all these years.  She does a good job at work, pays the bills, takes care of her family - the usual.  And I love my family and friends.

Having said that, let me introduce you to the other part of my personality.  She 's a rock and roll girl who can't live without her music.  She wants to get in a fast car and just drive. She wants to travel and just let the days unravel - whatever happens happens, you know?  No schedule.  She wants to be out in the world during the day, and not cooped up in a cubicle, meeting people, talking, interacting, LIVING.

So - these two parts of my personality just keep warring with each other - "Safe Gal" would never think of doing anything that would hurt anyone, risk the income, or mess up the family in any way.

I don't even respect "the American Dream".  Ironic since I've been walking that path my entire life. Nothing like being a walking cliche - the good girl who wakes up one day and wants to go wild.  Really - that's just pathetic.  I do not want to be pathetic.

I guess the deal here is that I haven't ever, in 47 years - just did what I wanted.  I've always done what I "should" do.  I was a damned timid, rule following good girl when I was single  I defaulted into an office job that I took frankly to shut my parents up and it somehow led to a career in cubicle world.

So I think the problem is that now that I've opened up and taken down the walls I'm realizing that I bought  into something that was never really me. I need to keep being my unusual, funky self.  I see it every day - at work, with family and friends.  I am not your average gal who walks the expected path. I have always, 100% of the time, felt as if I have been trying to fit myself into a puzzle but I am the wrong piece - like this isn't my "picture."

The trick here is that I need to find a way to live my passion - a way to take my passion for music, poetry, the need to interact with people and share life experiences with them - somehow I need to tie all that in with a way to make a living.  This cubicle jungle thing keeps our little house of cards running and it feels like a trap sometimes.  But I'm not giving up.  Everyone has dreams and I am no exception.  I'm going to keep working at it.  I will find a way to take care of my family but be myself and live my passion.

I thank God for every day and I won't be wasting a moment of it. 

Morning Thoughts

I've got to keep it real
I have to be myself
Look at life through grateful eyes
But I won't sit on the shelf

Do my best, 100 percent
What I do each day is ME
Happy for my life this day
Blessed to know I'm free

If my path is not the truth
Gotta switch things out
Have the courage, face it now
Leave behind the doubt

Each new day a journey
I'll see you on the road
Walking through it hand in hand
Reality bestowed

Jekyll and Hyde

Content.......unsatisfied
Easy to please........impossible
Passionate..........dead inside
Nurturing...........cruel
Loving............mocking
Patient.............quick to anger
Understanding.............selfish
Heroic...........Coward
Overcome...........Give Up
Angel............Demon

I am all of these things, in turn....sometimes several at once.  I think at times, that I'll drive you all crazy.  I know I drive myself crazy.  But in the still quiet moments, when I seek that which is inside of my soul, I find all of these things and more.  This is the grace in the everyday, the poetry in each moment. 

Feels Good

Some days just feel good.  At times, it's because something awesome has happened.  Other times, it's just everyday life.  Today feels good for that reason, because my everyday life just feeeeels gooood. 

It wasn't an especially eventful day, really.  It was crazy busy, and I overdid things a little bit physically.  But I didn't let it get me down.  I'm always in this state of war and subsequent truce with my body.  Today I pushed things a bit more than was comfortable, but later my spirit and my body called a truce.  Now I'm relaxing with some hot chocolate spiked with a shot of Makers Mark and enjoying the down time.  My feet are saying "thanks, it's about time." So I feel like I did what I wanted to do and managed to find some balance.  Balance feels good.

I got to spend time with my man over the past few days.  Sometimes, really, everyday life kinda beats up on the two of us.  Circumstance, responsibility, and other factors combine and mean that by the time we take care of everything and everyone else, we may not have a  hell of a lot of energy or time for each other.  But we've stuck together all this time, and we've had great moments and really tough moments. That's what's beautiful - looking across the room at him and knowing that he has been there every single day, for the beautiful and for the hell moments.  It's just sweet, intoxicating.....crazy amazing when you can be this comfortable with someone.  God knows I'm a maniac sometimes - moody, unpredictable,  complicated - and doesn't he just keep rolling with it?  Love it.  That kind of love feels good.

I enjoy small moments in everyday life.  A conversation with a friend, an encouraging word on facebook or twitter, a song that really reaches inside, kickin' ass at the gym, the person at the store who started a conversation and really had me laughing, or listening to the banter between my sons.....punctuated by jokes and laughter.  All of these moments feel good, too.

I've been spending more time in prayer and meditation lately.  I'm less and less focused on organized religion but more and more focused on spirituality. The time I take, when I pull back from the everyday routine, and meditate, write poetry, listen to music and just allow myself to simply BE - just breathe in and out - this time is what has unlocked the appreciation I have for the world around me and for my life. 

I am so grateful every day for my life.  IT FEELS GOOD.

Am I Messin' You Up?

I've noticed lately that as I make changes in my life, to my approach to things, and the decisions I make on an everyday basis, there are people who are uncomfortable with this.  It's feels odd to hear questions and comments  that clearly come from the angle of  "For crying out loud, NOW what is she doing?"

It can be about my appearance, my poetry, my love for music, my "Sunday Time" (Sunday mornings I take off alone for a few hours and meditate, listen to music and write) or whatever the subject may be.  I guess as I make more and more subtle changes in myself, they are getting to be more noticeable.  As people notice these changes, they either (a) want me to stay the same so I don't change anything in their routine or (b) they don't want to face things in their own life that my changes bring to mind.  I do get that, but honestly I really can't go back to being "DON'T ROCK THE BOAT GIRL."

I'm not concerned with doing what's expected or what is proper.  I did that for a quarter of a century and all it got me was bored, tired and depressed.  I'm going to live my life, my way - my rules.  I'm finding the more I live my life the way that works for me, the better I am at taking care of the people in my life - so it's a win-win there, too. Well, all I know is that I'm happier than I've ever been and I'm going to keep rocking my life my way.  There's a deep-down, intrinsic feeling of "this is right" when I'm going in the right direction and an equally noticeable "uh-oh - this isn't working" when I'm clearly going down a road that isn't for me.  I'm getting better at respectfully and lovingly saying NO and pushing back in these situations. Life's a journey and I'm really enjoying it.  As time goes on, I find that other people's opinions mean less and less to me. I don't mean that in a negative way. What I'm talking about is not going the wrong way just to keep someone else happy.

I'm lucky.  I have a great life.  I have a man by my side who just keeps rollin' with it no matter how difficult I can be.  I've given that boy a run for his money over the years, and I couldn't be more grateful for his strength and love for me over the years.  You're one of a kind, my "boy next door" and yes, baby - I'd do it all again.  My sons are amazing human beings and I feel privileged that I was granted the gift of being their mom.  Truly, "mother" is one of the most beautiful, heart stopping, soul-changing experiences a woman can have.  I have three of the best friends a person can ask for - they're so amazing.  We have a special bond, and any of us would walk through hell and back for any of the others.  My true sisters, you're always there through everything and you are such a bright light in my life. 

So, I'm going to keep on being me.  Life works best for me that way.  For those that have made this journey more fun, and have lit the way - you fuckin' rock and I love you forever.

Walkin' It - Looking in Your Eyes

Day to day, walking it.  Making like a freak, feeling like myself. I'd rather be unusual than be nothing at all.  When you walk through everyday life, and really look around, you notice things.  There are such crazy, beautiful things in life.  And tragedy, too.  Have you ever tried to go through one day, and try to actually MEET THE EYES of as many people as you can?  Really look into their eyes.  Hold the gaze as long as possible, until they look away.  OK, yeah - sometimes people clearly wonder why you're looking so long.  But you'll SEE things, and I don't just mean the color of their eyes.  You catch glimpses of their truth.  You'll see joy.  You'll see hope.  You'll see desperation.  Horror. HELP ME!  You see, most of us can put on a good show and make like everything's OK. But we have a hard time hiding the truth in our eyes.  This is an amazing way to connect with people. These little micro-moments are such beautiful little pictures of the truth, of reality, of what it feels like to be in the other person's shoes, for just a moment.

What I think is beautiful about this is that you end up connecting in ways and with people that you might not expect.  Let go of your judgment, your thoughts and opinions based on that person's appearance, where you're seeing them, the role they're playing.  You don't know how they got there, and why it feels the way it does.  But when you look into their eyes, with just "I'm here, you're here, we're OK" then it's amazing - you can really "touch" another person.  It's like a window opens to their soul, and you got a little glimpse.  Just look and offer in your eyes acceptance, and acknowledgment.

Give it a try sometime.  Just go for a walk.  Keep your head up, greet people you see.  Make eye contact.

SEE ME, I'M IN HERE, SOMEBODY FOR GOD'S SAKE TELL ME I'M OK, I'M NOT WORTHLESS, I DO MATTER, I'M NOT A FAILURE, I'M NOT UGLY, I REALLY CAN MAKE IT, THERE'S MORE TO ME THAN THIS! I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL! .....it's all going on in there, if you just LOOK.

I dare you.  What do YOU see?

Another Spot on the Dial

Lately, I've been thinking.  I seem to come hard wired with 2 settings - OPEN and CLOSED. 

When I'm closed everything seems good on the surface.  But basically "closed" is when I'm  doing the "going through the motions" thing.  I developed this when I was a kid, I think, and really got good at it as I got older. I did everything I was supposed to, but if I didn't like what was going on or how I felt, I'd just shut off the emotional end of things and not really pay much attention to that aspect of life. I'd distract myself with food, TV and other things and I kind of just go through life putting in a half-assed effort at everything.  I don't care too much about the results of anything in closed mode. 

I can't write ANYTHING when I'm closed.  No poetry.  And music - which is the breath in my lungs - always has been - doesn't mean anything when I'm closed.

Inevitably, I decide I don't like being closed.  So, I start to pray and meditate again.  I make an effort to notice the beauty in nature again.  I appreciate my loved ones.  Really, the prayer and meditation open the floodgates.  And damn!  The poetry comes right back, so fast I can just about get it all written down.

The only problem is that "OPEN" feels like emotional road rash.  I feel everything so strongly!  It's as if my reactions are all out of proportion to the events in question - all day!.  Thinking back, most of what I consider to be my best writing has come when I'm an emotional clusterfuck - like now.

Why, I wonder, do I have to be so emotional, and feel EVERYTHING so strongly when I'm in this mode?  Really, it's no wonder I go back to closed every so often. I wonder if other poets or maybe songwriters ever run into this, or can people just crank out amazing things and not feel a thing?  I'm actually very curious. I seem to only be able to write when I'm so open that it literally hurts. Really, what a mess.

Now, granted, OK - I was in "closed" for quite a while this last time.  I'm thinking when I'm in "closed" mode I'm not really avoiding feeling things - I must be postponing them.  So, this time, when I got back into the "open" mode again, I practically drowned myself in all the unprocessed "stuff" that came flooding out.  Thank God for SIXX:A.M. the last couple of months - Nikki, DJ and James I love you, and thanks!

So, being the brilliant sort that I am, I'm thinking if I just STAY in open mode but just find a spot on "the dial" that's between "open" and "closed" then I can feel things at a normal level most of the time, but when I  want to write, I can really, truly, completely open up. Clearly, staying that way all the time is a bit overwhelming.

This isn't completely clear yet, because it's late and I'm tired---but bears more thought very soon. Next step is figuring out how exactly you achieve "partially open."  I'm "open" to suggestions!  HA

Unsophisticated

She convinces herself she's cool
Thinks she's moving forward
Making connections
Opening Up

Friends, acquaintances
We're all helping each other along
Right?  I mean that's what it is.
Yeah, that's what you told yourself

You said you didn't want to be a cliche
When all along you embodied the word
Fuck, you still do
Who were you kidding?  Just yourself apparently.

What did you accomplish
You scared little fuck
Hey by all means make your little "cosmic connections"
But at least be honest with yourself

Either ACT or don't
And if  you're not going to
Then don't pretend
Be the coward

Or don't - but ACT is a verb
Teacher said that implies you are doing something
And you haven't done anything.....at.....all

OK, Just This Once

There's a reason I stopped writing in my other blog "Day to Day with R.A."  Honestly, for me, walking around preaching at people about my arthritis just isn't for me.  I know that many other people with arthritis have done a lot of good by sharing their stories on blogs and encouraging each other.  For some reason I just can't seem to build a comfort level with it.  I did try, I really did.

I'm not saying I want to hide it either.  It's just part of me, like my poetry, my hair, my hazel eyes, the way I swear when I feel any strong emotions, or my music obsession.  It's not what defines me, it's just one part.

So, if you ask me, I'll tell you about it.  But I don't run around wearing it on my sleeve.  I just enjoy living my life, and walking through the crazy roller coaster of everyday life.

People say a lot of well-meaning things to me about my arthritis.  I especially enjoy the one where I can cure it with apple cider vinegar.  I had to smile on that one.

The thing is, I've been dealing with this for over 20 years.  And your helpful advice is OK - you really are trying to help so it's all good.  But, have an open mind.  If you really are interested in helping me, please let me speak also; allow me to tell you the rules.  Because there ARE rules.

Those of us who have been running (or limping, or shuffling) around with this for years usually have done a decent amount of homework.  I saw an interview with Motley Crue the other day.  Mick Mars was asked about his Ankylosing Spndylitis.  As severe as Mick's form of Arthritis is, he described it as "an inconvenience".  I've used that phrase a few times over the years myself, actually.  Mick also knew what gene was involved in A.S. and had read about some of the recent research that was done.

That's a great example of what I'm talking about.  You see, most of us really DO know the score.  We've talked to our rheumatologist, we've seen umpteen specialists, we've done the homework.  We know what we have, we know how it works, and we know what we can and can't do.  Can't sucks but there ARE "can'ts".  We do what we can until we can't.  We don't want your pity, because pity sucks and makes us feel small.  We would like your help sometimes, and we should ask for it if we need it.  The very coolest of friends are the ones who get used to the score and sort of just do some of those things without us having to ask.  You're fucking amazing and we love you for that.

For me, here are "the rules."  These are just for me.

(1) Move it or lose it - you can get yourself in trouble with Rheumatoid Arthritis if you OVERDO it because you can hurt your joints.  You can also get in trouble if you UNDERDO it.  If you stop moving something long enough ,you will stop moving it. Period.  So, by all means, move your ass.

(2) Medication - less is more.  There are medications you will have to take, whether you are happy about this or not.  Usually they have side-effects. Arthritis is an auto-immune disease, meaning your body is attacking itself.  You can't "fix it" easily.  Talk with your doctor and find out what works for you, then take the smallest/least dosage that gets you the results you and your doc are looking for.  Ask a ton of questions.  You're going to be on medication for the rest of your life so don't go crazy taking a ton of everything.  Be selective and stay well-informed.

(3) Healthy Habits - get enough rest/eat right/find other ways to manage your disease.  I find meditation helps quite a bit. Do things that make you happy, things you're passionate about.  Being happy is great medication, it's free and there are no side-effects.

Some days, you'd never know I have R.A. if you didn't look directly at a couple of my fingers.  Other days, it's more obvious, in the way I move.  So, by all means, offer your advice, I'm open - maybe you know about something I haven't heard.  But please, keep your EARS open too.  Thanks for listening.

 

Don't Fade On Me *

We're connected
So don't fade on me
Don't think you're not important
Keep shining your light
And so will I
Helpin' each other along.

*Giving full credit to Tom Petty & Mike Campbell for the phrase "Don't Fade on Me" which I first heard in a song written by them.  I do not own the lyrics, they do and no copyright infringement is intended!

Walking the Blade

You thought you wanted order
Only wishing to be numb
But when you tried it out for size
It turned out that was dumb

Only when you walk the blade
And feel it cut you through
Teeter along, you see both sides
And then it's clear what's true

The words only come with open eyes
And living life means pain
You only see the joy, the sun
If you've also felt the rain

So walk the blade, and feel it all
Embrace the good and bad
Bleed, and cry, rejoice and sing
Never miss what you had

Alone

There is a difference between
Alone
and Lonely
Today I take time away
Seeking solitude
I must do this
Compelled to find the quiet places
Where there is nothing
Hearing the voice within
A moment
Alone in the Universe
But forever connected
So I seek out this time and make it my own
It is this which keeps me sane
Yet dancing on the edge of madness
I will come often to the quiet places
And find my soul there

Beautiful Darkness

The outline of the branches
Dusk
A grey November sky
Haunting and stark in it's beauty
There is life in the darkness
Just as there is light in your soul
In spite of the same
Small moments
In the silence, we pause
The sacred lies between the lines
In the wind it speaks
Some can hear it, tho' it is always there
Whispers in your ears
Into your spirit, caressing your soul
And you do not know if you should rejoice or weep

What You Said You Wanted

The why's and wherefores don't matter
Excuses,  justifications now empty
The things you hide behind are empty now
You say you want to be set free
But you know the truth of the matter
The juxtaposition, the struggle, the squeeze
When you cry out 
Convinced you won't make it
Close your eyes
In the peace of the quiet places
You see the beauty in the struggle
It will always be so
For this is being human

A Moment Missed

A moment comes/I take the safe road/So very aware that I missed something/Need to grow a set/How long/How often/LIFE DOESN'T WAIT

Skimming Stones

It occurs to me that you can't just keep skimming across the surface of your life like one of those stones people use at the lake, to skip across the water.  That's really what I'm doing right now.

I know generally, but not specifically what I want.  I haven't decided on a direction.  So, I'm just bouncing around from one thing to the next, sort of putting in half-assed effort at everything because I don't see anything I'm doing as "real."  It's sort of like, "hey, it's not my permanent gig, you know?"

OK, so exactly what IS my permanent gig?  I need to do the work - finish excavating this.  I know there's gonna be fallout - it's going to mean other people are affected and so I think I'm avoiding doing the last of the work.  Can't do that forever. 

Actually - I know people who DID do that forever - and lived their lives in a state of resigned, "heavy sigh."  They did give up.  That's not me.  I plan to LIVE. 

On Being (Hallelujah)

I didn't think I could feel "Hallelujah" anymore.  You said you didn't believe.  And you were broken, but you sang it out anyway.   Both your joy and your brokenness were there for me to see. Sometimes we are broken, but we sing out in spite of it.  The sound makes my heart soar, even as it weeps.  Even when it's not working - when absolutely nothing is working, I can still enjoy simply being. And if you're doing it right it should hurt, and feel amazing and joyful all at the same time.  This is what life feels like.  You can't have one without the other. You have to find what feeds your soul and go with it, because when you follow that, you'll find what you need and you'll be where you're supposed to.  This is what  life feels like.  Pain and Joy are two sides of the same coin.  If you have the courage to embrace both, then you'll catch a glimpse of true beauty, both LIFE and DEATH.  BEING.

Connected - Thoughts on Social Media

I don't know you. But briefly, we "touch."  You're not my friend, and you probably never will be.  But we do "read" each other.  Your comment brings a smile, or maybe a full belly laugh.  You feel a small stab when you read about something tough I'm dealing with, because you've been there.  Maybe we like the same music.  There are those who say these aren't "real" relationships, and OK, true - they're not. But they do serve a purpose.  We do "touch" each others lives, and add laughter and encouragement to one another.  Our little electronic "moments" together do create some good.  So, thanks for being around, I'm having fun  and hope you are, too.

Facing It

No easy answers.  This will be tough.
It's complicated.  But I can't hide from it.
I feel like I need to fly away, that I'm so close to finally finding me, but so many hands are pulling me down.
They're all grabbing my ankles, telling me to stay and urging me not to rock the boat.
But that's because we're all attached together in this sick little co-dependent freak show imitation of the fucking Waltons.  They can read the signs, I'm different, in small subtle ways, and it's freaking them out.  I actually enjoy that aspect of it, and that's your first sign I've let this go on much too long. If they accept the changes in me, they'll have to look at themselves and our stupid little house of cards.  We're all huddling together in here holding up these walls but the air in here is sick and it's not good for anyone.  Mind-bending, unbelievable inertia!  I wanted to do this in a methodical way, help them get used to it, make sure they're all OK.....who am I kidding. Will I ever be able to really have change if I keep the same modus operandi ?  Isn't that the definition of insanity? I don't hate them.  I love them, mostly.  But we're smothering each other to death. We're settling, acting like people who have already given up.  NOT ME - I am LIVING my life.  I know my path now, and I have to follow it.  I know now I can't do that and avoid hurting people.  I won't hurt you, any of you, on purpose, but if you are upset because of the direction I have taken, I am sorry - but I cannot and will not turn back.

Living

We don't know what will happen from one moment to the next in life, do we?  But really, isn't this beautiful?  Knowing this helps us to appreciate the moments we have, each and every day.  Every face you see, behind that face is a soul.  THAT SOUL IS BEAUTIFUL. Do we look past appearances, impressions, and really SEE the people we speak to every day?

Sometimes, I think the world is so amazing and beautiful that it will kill me just to keep looking at it.  Maybe that comes with the poetry.  I think it does.  Because when I don't really look at the world and I let everyday life and TV, food, worries - whatever -  distract me, during these times the poetry dries up.  I begin to hate feeling numb and so I open back up.

Inevitably, being open is like WHOOSH - a wind blows through my soul!  The world we live in amazes me, I can find amazement in the smallest thing.  Nature mesmerizes, entrances me.  The faces of the people around me make me want to know more.  Stop - let me look into your eyes.  If we make eye contact I'll see the truth in your eyes - and you will see the same in mine.  Are you afraid to let me see?

Why would we not want to live every moment to it's fullest?  You get one go-round folks, one ticket to the fair.  So, feel the wind, kiss your kids,  make love often and in interesting places, and reach out to people.
I haven't always lived this way, but I'll be damned if I'm going to waste any more time.

Yeah, OPEN feels a little raw at first.  But really, there's no other way to do it.  Kick every day's ass.  LIVE your life. We don't have to be perfect, we'll make mistakes and fuck things up.  We'll laugh our asses off and sob in grief sometimes, too.  But, on this ride we'll touch each other, and we'll live and love and reach the end of the journey having truly LIVED.

What a Ride!

Sometimes we feel broken
We want to look away
We'd rather go and hide somewhere
We just can't face the day

In these moments when we doubt
We find we can be strong
Embrace it, face the weakness
Getting numb is wrong

No help to distract yourself
Not going anywhere
Run from it today my friend
It'll find you, here or there

So off your ass, and wipe the tears
Lace up those walking shoes
There's light still, even in the rain
And joy beyond these blues

The sun comes out, and light will shine
Your soul will open wide
Yeah, sometimes this is scary
But baby WHAT A RIDE!

A Meeting with Myself 2

Today in meditation my true self presented herself to me again.  She was youthful in appearance, energetic and vital; without actually BEING young.  She was very joyful.  She told me that wanting is useless, and robs us of our ability to manifest our best life.  She said that life is all about INTENT.  If you stop thinking that something cannot happen, and believe that it CAN and it WILL and that YOU will make it happen, then it will indeed happen. 

When you have strong intent that you WILL manifest something, the Universe opens for you.  She asked me, "Are you beginning to see?  It's about putting one foot in front of the other, every day, in the direction of your dreams.  You have to believe, even when it is very hard to get up and do what you need to do."

Believe, every day, with strength and conviction that it will happen, no matter what your circumstances and no matter what is going on around you.  It will happen.

November Thoughts

The shapes on the water , when the breeze hits them.
I'm watching the leaves skipping across the ground
This place is dormant, but alive
In each season
New and beautiful things
Birth and Death
Moving forward, as we must also do
I am not afraid of my seasons
For in each one
Are new and wondrous moments
The sun, the smiles of my loved ones, music and poetry
Bring it on!

I AM

The one who is speaking
In my mind, to my spirit
I knew that it was I AM
Told me not to run
Everyone you meet is here to share a piece of the truth with you
Honor that
No one person alone
Can ever complete another
We can walk together
Sharing love and laughter
Good times and Bad times
We can touch the soul of another
But only in the quiet places
of our souls
The one who IS speaks
And here only we find completeness
But only if we look within - not without

Juxtaposition

Am I empty?
Am I full?
Pieces, Fragments
Knowing that I cannot run
And must always look things straight on
The knowlege that I carry
Tells me what I must do
At once impatient, and at peace
Finding Joy with you
Yet still knowing the change is coming
When you walk your Truth
It falls into place
I will trust in this daily
No need to hide

Not Giving Up

The next couple of days are going to be one of those situations where you've done everything you can and you're still gonna get screwed.  I'm not going to let it get to me.  I really have worked as hard as I possibly could and I will hold my head high.  I will get through this. No - even better.  I'm not only going to get through this but I'm going to find a way to make this situation even better.  It's time to stop allowing myself to feel trapped - if a situation isn't right for you, get off your ass and change things.  This is what I'm going to do.  It's going to be hard.  To quote Sixx, "This is Gonna Hurt."  But NO GIVING UP.

A meeting with myself

Today in meditation, I saw my true self.  We have met and spoken before, when I come to the quiet places.  She embraces me, always delighted and filled with joy that I have come.  Today she showed herself to me as an old woman.  Long grey-white hair cascaded down her back.  Her eyes shone brightly, and reflected within them was joy, warmth, truth, and much urgency.

"Do you know how much power you are giving up?"  She told me that when I numb myself, I give away the truth of who and what I am, as if it were so much trash.

She told me again.  "In your greatest weakness, you will find your greatest strength."  We have had this discussion before and it always scares the hell out of me.  I like to be strong, ignore weakness, pretend it's not there, take care of business.....I'm not overly fond of being vulnerable or weak.

She explained to me that whether it is my arthritis, emotional or family issues, or the truth that pierces my heart in the every day, that I need to continue to be truthful and share these things in my everyday life.  I have to continue to write my poetry and be truthful about my life.

"Each day that you walk in truth and look at life through it's lens is a day that you walk closer to the day that you and I are one.  Every moment of the journey is important, so do not miss the small miracles in the everyday."

 As I opened my eyes and looked around at the stark beauty of the late autumn morning, I thought to myself that perhaps it does make a difference if we, each of us, doesn't walk through life with our eyes OPEN, and being truthful about our journey.  Perhaps this is how we help each other, and how we are supposed to truly live and love our way through each day - each moment.

PARTICIPATE

Be a participant in life
Not a bystander
Look life in the face
Tell fear to FUCK OFF
Move, breathe
Be active
LIVE

Membership

 Membership
In the Human Race
Is not optional
You are here
And you are a part
Of what we are
It's OK
Don't worry about your scars
We all have those here
All that is required
Is that you truly be here with us
ALIVE
OPEN
Come on in, we're happy to see you

The Rejected

Those whom you have rejected
Are the most beautiful
It has not been easy
But in their pain
They have SEEN life
Seen her for what she is
There is no ugly, and no beauty
There is simply life
I am here, and you are here
The mother manifests life
In myriad different ways
There is LIFE all around us
So let me look into your eyes
Let us sit and talk
I want to touch you. 
I need you.
For in the mirror of your eyes
I see my own soul
We are not ugly
And we are not beautiful
We are simply ALIVE
As we truly are
I thank you for the gift that you are
Only in truly seeing the other
Can we ever really know ourselves

A moment (Purgatory Chasm, Sutton MA)

It is very still here.  The leaves moving slightly in the cool breeze.  Everything is dormant.  But there is life here, and so much beauty!  Was this always here?  How did I not see you?  She is our mother and we are all connected..  All that was created is BEAUTIFUL. We cannot turn away.  We must not be numbed. Touch. See.  Feel.  Never turn our backs.  Let them know of our love, in the everyday.  For in these small moments life is truly lived.  And THAT is how we create eternity.

No Apologies

Heavenly Thoughts
Earthly Needs
I need to touch
I need to feel
I am an angel
I'm a demon, too
Higher purpose
Walk in the light
There is always darkness, too
My soul is both
Passion for life
Exhibits all around
My mind, my words, my body
I embrace all that I am
No Apologies

Neat Little Houses (OPEN)

Bishops and pawns
Houses with lawns
An orderly mess
So shall I confess?

Angel and Demon
I scare myself every day
But I will face me
My soul OPEN
To my own examination
And the world's
OPEN
It's scary
And it hurts
But OPEN
Is also ALIVE
And I need to live.

A Process

Numb, Distraction
Don't Look
Don't Think
If you STOP
You might feel something
And the EMPTY
Will be so HUGE
Swallow you up

Waking up
Scary
Uncomfortable
Not used to the feeling
You're frightened
Face It
Look it straight on

Walk
New Morning
Feel It
Pick at the scab
Understand it
So you can heal it
Walk through it
SURVIVE

Sunshine at SIXX: A.M.

Looking in your eyes
It really is the mirror to the soul
You're beautiful
And you made the sun come out
I was hiding in the dark
Shared your light and
It made me wanna come outside again
Gotta thank you for that
Now the world is beautiful again
And I'm happy to be here

Making Deals

Part and parcel
Making Deals
Compromising
Makes it Easier

Didn't know
It would turn out this way
Changed who I am
And that wasn't the plan

I have to pull it all apart
And make a fucking mess
I know you'll all be so upset

I'm ready to stand up
And maybe you're not
We're all tied together
In this little house of cards

So, I'm sorry if my journey
is making you open your eyes
But I can't make any more deals
No more self-medicating

I'm walking
One step at a time
Forward
I can't stop
I won't stop
I am not going back
Not even for you

Uncomfortable

I'm putting the universe on notice
Today
Anything can happen
I will be myself
Walk my path
If you're in my life and you can handle that, good.
If you can't, I'll do it without you
And yes, I do mean it and understand the ramifications of that statement
My poetry
My words
They are going out into the world
Maybe no one will see them
Or perhaps a million will
I will not allow myself to continue to be raped by indifference
I will not continue to numb myself
I'm uncomfortable
I NEED to be uncomfortable
I need to look at
Where I'm at
What I feel
Who I am
Straight on
In the mirror
If this scares you
Or makes you uncomfortable
Then look away
But I'm not going to

Connection

Closed off, spirit gone
I blocked You out
I didn't want to see
The beauty wasn't for me
Afraid to open my ears
My heart I sealed off
And let my soul go dry
I could walk through this life
Quietly sensible
Doing what I should
And all would be okay
But it wasn't OK
Sensible
Duty, and supposed to
Don't fill your soul
The longer I closed my heart
The dryer became my soul
Afraid to open back up
Afraid of what it would feel like
But THE EMPTY is worse
The things I tried to fill it with
Do nothing to soothe my soul
The music is gone
And the lyrics ring hollow
I"m just inhaling.....and exhaling
But now - OPEN!
And in the stillness
The music
The reality
The still small voice
My life force returns
I can feel everything
I am connected to everything
And sometimes it does hurt
But it's also beautiful and amazing and wonderful
It's so beautiful that yes, there is pain in the knowledge
But I embrace it
This beautiful exquisite feeling
Because in feeling this
The gamut of what it is to BE
I know that I am ALIVE

The Performer

Did you know that I can see your soul?
When you open up and go inside
You go somewhere else, in that moment
Your eyes, they're closed
Your head thrown back
Looking toward the heavens
Feeling the wonder
You lose yourself in the moment
And in that moment - your soul bursts wide open
And I can SEE IT!
You have a beautiful soul
And that is why I come to watch
Because I have seen, and it was beautiful

Mirror

FACE IT
EMBRACE IT
LOOK AT IT STRAIGHT ON
IT'S ALL YOU
DON'T HIDE

Now

Blend your voices
Lend a hand
Stop a hurt
Walk this land
Make your way
And mark your place
Forever is tomorrow
And that's our ace
Trust, forgiveness
Reaching out
Truly seeing
Silent shout
I need to hear you
To see your face
Touch the earth
Heal this place

4ST

Love that big grin you get on your face
Joy in just that moment
Reminds me to do the same

We may be livin' on the edge
Sometimes it's pretty dark
We look for the light in each other

Keep smiling, sharing, and singing
It helps us keep the lights on when things are darkest
Thanks for the help while we walk this way

Wings

Plenty of focus
Trying to force it
It clips your wings
Spending time on such things
Cherish the days
Burn up the nights
The last chapter always comes

The Ride

Fear of taking a risk
Crashing into life
Not sure how to put the brakes on
If I can't control it
I've just gotta roll with it
No reason not to enjoy the ride
River keeps rollin'
Choice
Don't even get your feet wet
Or a ride down the rapids
Do you feel it too?
I need to take that ride

Frayed II

When you're frayed around the edges
And life is feeling crazed
Remember that YOU'RE in control
You can navigate this maze
Get right off the carnival ride
The decision is up to you
Don't let your life just happen
Make sure that things are true
Folks opinions are overrated
Your life is YOURS to live
So walk the path that's right for YOU
No apologies, nothing to forgive.