Another Spot on the Dial

Lately, I've been thinking.  I seem to come hard wired with 2 settings - OPEN and CLOSED. 

When I'm closed everything seems good on the surface.  But basically "closed" is when I'm  doing the "going through the motions" thing.  I developed this when I was a kid, I think, and really got good at it as I got older. I did everything I was supposed to, but if I didn't like what was going on or how I felt, I'd just shut off the emotional end of things and not really pay much attention to that aspect of life. I'd distract myself with food, TV and other things and I kind of just go through life putting in a half-assed effort at everything.  I don't care too much about the results of anything in closed mode. 

I can't write ANYTHING when I'm closed.  No poetry.  And music - which is the breath in my lungs - always has been - doesn't mean anything when I'm closed.

Inevitably, I decide I don't like being closed.  So, I start to pray and meditate again.  I make an effort to notice the beauty in nature again.  I appreciate my loved ones.  Really, the prayer and meditation open the floodgates.  And damn!  The poetry comes right back, so fast I can just about get it all written down.

The only problem is that "OPEN" feels like emotional road rash.  I feel everything so strongly!  It's as if my reactions are all out of proportion to the events in question - all day!.  Thinking back, most of what I consider to be my best writing has come when I'm an emotional clusterfuck - like now.

Why, I wonder, do I have to be so emotional, and feel EVERYTHING so strongly when I'm in this mode?  Really, it's no wonder I go back to closed every so often. I wonder if other poets or maybe songwriters ever run into this, or can people just crank out amazing things and not feel a thing?  I'm actually very curious. I seem to only be able to write when I'm so open that it literally hurts. Really, what a mess.

Now, granted, OK - I was in "closed" for quite a while this last time.  I'm thinking when I'm in "closed" mode I'm not really avoiding feeling things - I must be postponing them.  So, this time, when I got back into the "open" mode again, I practically drowned myself in all the unprocessed "stuff" that came flooding out.  Thank God for SIXX:A.M. the last couple of months - Nikki, DJ and James I love you, and thanks!

So, being the brilliant sort that I am, I'm thinking if I just STAY in open mode but just find a spot on "the dial" that's between "open" and "closed" then I can feel things at a normal level most of the time, but when I  want to write, I can really, truly, completely open up. Clearly, staying that way all the time is a bit overwhelming.

This isn't completely clear yet, because it's late and I'm tired---but bears more thought very soon. Next step is figuring out how exactly you achieve "partially open."  I'm "open" to suggestions!  HA