I have quite varied thoughts on this Christmas Day. The second half of this year has been one that has seen me in the midst of what my gals and I are calling my "mid-life crisis." My husband and sons are also aware of it, since, if possible, I'm even stranger than usual. My 3 best friends, my hubby and my sons are all dealing with the newest of my quirks wiith good humor, support and listening ears. I am so grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life. Today was a good opportunity to reflect on how blessed I am to have them in my life.
Although my inner journey this year has definitely manifested in my being much less "religious" than I ever have been, I am without a doubt more spiritual than ever. This, to me, is where I have always belonged. The times in my life when I have embraced this approach have been the times that I have felt the most "at home" within myself, and this is clearly where I belong.
I am so very thankful for my family and friends. During the last few months of soul searching, I have spent a good deal of time reflecting on my life, and frankly, whether I belonged in this life I am walking through every day, with the people I am with. So far, I have come to two conclusions. The first is that if you need to make changes, this means you need to get off your ass and ACT - if you know something in your life isn't right you need to take meaningful action in direction of what it is that you want. The second conclusion I've come to is that if my head isn't screwed on straight, then dumping my life and the people in it and getting a "new everything" is not going to suddenly mean my head IS screwed on straight. I love my family and friends.
The changes I need to make come down to this. What makes me excited and passionate about life? I don't feel that you can or should pin your happiness factor on your family and /or your friends, and expect them to fulfill that for you. You should love them but let them be who and what they are. This way, you love and support each other freely and walk through this life together. Your happiness, your passion - those belong to each of us and we are the captain of that ship! For me, this is about poetry, writing, music, new challenges, expressing my world view through my work, and the way I live my everyday life - what kind of decisions - large and small - am I making daily that are make this journey authentic as far as who I am as a person?
Although some parts of the last few months have been difficult as I faced truths about myself, my life, my relationships and my decisions, I am glad that this excavation has been happening. This journey has been beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for anything - even the hard parts. Without those difficult parts, I would never have those exquisitely beautiful moments, either. That's where the poetry lives - in-between the lines of everyday life.
As I spend time changing my day to day decisions - I am walking closer to my truth each day. Each moment of the journey is important. Sometimes I screw up, yeah, we all do. At times, I screw up in a stellar, BIG amazing way. But each new morning is another chance to wake up, and rock this life I have! So, whether it's my look, my music, how I spend my downtime, volunteering, a job change, learning a new skill, or trying something I've never done so I can open up my horizons - every day is a gift.
I've got amazing friends. Nicole, Cindy and Becky - you are truly my sisters, and you add so much to my life. I know that what we have is rare and precious. Thank you for the gifts that you are. My sons are one of the most amazing blessings in my life. Mother is a heart-stopping, soul-altering experience and I am thankful every single day for Patrick and Joshua. Rob - you've walked this journey with me for over 25 years - through the good and the bad. You are courageous, hard-working, and you manage to combine sensitivity and strength, and a sense of humor into one amazing person. Also, inside of that 6 ft 3 inch frame, is a little boy, and I'm so glad you've kept him alive in there - because sometimes you let him out and he still sees the world with such wonder that it brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. I'll love you forever, baby.
My mother is an example of the loving, giving person I want to be - you don't let anything beat you and if I have half your love and strength to give the ones I love, I'd be grateful - thank you for your example each day.. Brad - you face all of the difficult parts of your life situation with a sense of humor, and you teach me not to take myself so seriously. Jean - we've come a long way - we dont always agree but we've built something that combines sisterhood, friendship, respect and loyalty. No matter what happens, it's nice to know I have someone who has my back.
I have countless other friends and relatives that I am so grateful for, so many I could never name them all. Our cousins are so special to us, we love you so, so much!
Looking forward to 2012 - I want to keep what is good from 2011 - the appreciation I have for family and friends, and a willingness to look - with open eyes- at myself and my life so that I can see what to keep in and what to leave out. I want to move forward with an open mind and heart. I want to try new things, be willing to take risks, and explore new territory. I'm ready to rock 2012.
Merry Christmas. Much love and light to everyone reading this, and to those you love.
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