Wild ...but Safe ?

Sometimes I think I will drive myself crazy.  .  I have these two parts of my personality that are at war with each other.  One part is the gal who has been playing it safe all these years.  She does a good job at work, pays the bills, takes care of her family - the usual.  And I love my family and friends.

Having said that, let me introduce you to the other part of my personality.  She 's a rock and roll girl who can't live without her music.  She wants to get in a fast car and just drive. She wants to travel and just let the days unravel - whatever happens happens, you know?  No schedule.  She wants to be out in the world during the day, and not cooped up in a cubicle, meeting people, talking, interacting, LIVING.

So - these two parts of my personality just keep warring with each other - "Safe Gal" would never think of doing anything that would hurt anyone, risk the income, or mess up the family in any way.

I don't even respect "the American Dream".  Ironic since I've been walking that path my entire life. Nothing like being a walking cliche - the good girl who wakes up one day and wants to go wild.  Really - that's just pathetic.  I do not want to be pathetic.

I guess the deal here is that I haven't ever, in 47 years - just did what I wanted.  I've always done what I "should" do.  I was a damned timid, rule following good girl when I was single  I defaulted into an office job that I took frankly to shut my parents up and it somehow led to a career in cubicle world.

So I think the problem is that now that I've opened up and taken down the walls I'm realizing that I bought  into something that was never really me. I need to keep being my unusual, funky self.  I see it every day - at work, with family and friends.  I am not your average gal who walks the expected path. I have always, 100% of the time, felt as if I have been trying to fit myself into a puzzle but I am the wrong piece - like this isn't my "picture."

The trick here is that I need to find a way to live my passion - a way to take my passion for music, poetry, the need to interact with people and share life experiences with them - somehow I need to tie all that in with a way to make a living.  This cubicle jungle thing keeps our little house of cards running and it feels like a trap sometimes.  But I'm not giving up.  Everyone has dreams and I am no exception.  I'm going to keep working at it.  I will find a way to take care of my family but be myself and live my passion.

I thank God for every day and I won't be wasting a moment of it.