I've noticed lately that as I make changes in my life, to my approach to things, and the decisions I make on an everyday basis, there are people who are uncomfortable with this. It's feels odd to hear questions and comments that clearly come from the angle of "For crying out loud, NOW what is she doing?"
It can be about my appearance, my poetry, my love for music, my "Sunday Time" (Sunday mornings I take off alone for a few hours and meditate, listen to music and write) or whatever the subject may be. I guess as I make more and more subtle changes in myself, they are getting to be more noticeable. As people notice these changes, they either (a) want me to stay the same so I don't change anything in their routine or (b) they don't want to face things in their own life that my changes bring to mind. I do get that, but honestly I really can't go back to being "DON'T ROCK THE BOAT GIRL."
I'm not concerned with doing what's expected or what is proper. I did that for a quarter of a century and all it got me was bored, tired and depressed. I'm going to live my life, my way - my rules. I'm finding the more I live my life the way that works for me, the better I am at taking care of the people in my life - so it's a win-win there, too. Well, all I know is that I'm happier than I've ever been and I'm going to keep rocking my life my way. There's a deep-down, intrinsic feeling of "this is right" when I'm going in the right direction and an equally noticeable "uh-oh - this isn't working" when I'm clearly going down a road that isn't for me. I'm getting better at respectfully and lovingly saying NO and pushing back in these situations. Life's a journey and I'm really enjoying it. As time goes on, I find that other people's opinions mean less and less to me. I don't mean that in a negative way. What I'm talking about is not going the wrong way just to keep someone else happy.
I'm lucky. I have a great life. I have a man by my side who just keeps rollin' with it no matter how difficult I can be. I've given that boy a run for his money over the years, and I couldn't be more grateful for his strength and love for me over the years. You're one of a kind, my "boy next door" and yes, baby - I'd do it all again. My sons are amazing human beings and I feel privileged that I was granted the gift of being their mom. Truly, "mother" is one of the most beautiful, heart stopping, soul-changing experiences a woman can have. I have three of the best friends a person can ask for - they're so amazing. We have a special bond, and any of us would walk through hell and back for any of the others. My true sisters, you're always there through everything and you are such a bright light in my life.
So, I'm going to keep on being me. Life works best for me that way. For those that have made this journey more fun, and have lit the way - you fuckin' rock and I love you forever.
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