Facing It

No easy answers.  This will be tough.
It's complicated.  But I can't hide from it.
I feel like I need to fly away, that I'm so close to finally finding me, but so many hands are pulling me down.
They're all grabbing my ankles, telling me to stay and urging me not to rock the boat.
But that's because we're all attached together in this sick little co-dependent freak show imitation of the fucking Waltons.  They can read the signs, I'm different, in small subtle ways, and it's freaking them out.  I actually enjoy that aspect of it, and that's your first sign I've let this go on much too long. If they accept the changes in me, they'll have to look at themselves and our stupid little house of cards.  We're all huddling together in here holding up these walls but the air in here is sick and it's not good for anyone.  Mind-bending, unbelievable inertia!  I wanted to do this in a methodical way, help them get used to it, make sure they're all OK.....who am I kidding. Will I ever be able to really have change if I keep the same modus operandi ?  Isn't that the definition of insanity? I don't hate them.  I love them, mostly.  But we're smothering each other to death. We're settling, acting like people who have already given up.  NOT ME - I am LIVING my life.  I know my path now, and I have to follow it.  I know now I can't do that and avoid hurting people.  I won't hurt you, any of you, on purpose, but if you are upset because of the direction I have taken, I am sorry - but I cannot and will not turn back.