Rhythm

Find it
Your rhythm
That's your groove
The signs are everywhere
Dial the number
Step inside
Into the place you thought was so dark
No denying what's real, what's inside of you
That's sacred
Body moving
Occupying soul space
Time stops
Universe OWNED
Light from your fingertips
Rhythm

Free

A place you get to inside
Where no one's opinion matters
Breathing free
You live your way
Unconcerned, finally
About the questioning looks
Disapproving glances and snide comments
And yeah, maybe you're unsure of the future
Because you're naked out here
You aren't using the crutches they're all so dependent on
Gone the numbing comforts
Just out there, on your own
Rock it
Fuck it
One raw life
If you can't handle that
Then back the fuck off

Temporary Parting

Another poem from the Nashville trip.

Connections
The thread of a life
I cannot hold you now
Never a moment
When you are not in my thoughts
In my heart
And in each breath I draw
Life brings joy and heartache
We may not always understand
And we won't always agree
But always I will know
There is perhaps one thing
One beautiful thing that I got right
And that is you.

Soul Seeks Home

I wrote this one while on a trip to Nashville helping my friend Glenn move there.

Put it all on the line
Sacrifice the familiar
Flight into the unknown
Risking it all
Truth in the heart
New roads
Each dawn breaks anew
Comes the tearing
And the beauty
Soul finds home

Distractions

Distractions are easy to find
They chase away what's inside
Just for a little while
And for a short time, they work
Always, though
Comes the return
You realize, there is no running
Not really, anyway
Take it out in the sun
Sit with it
In the real
The truth lives inside
Path is clear

Price Paid (The Gift of One Soul)

Some  have paid dearly
Just to still stand here
In this day
That you take for granted
Still so many times
That are such a struggle
Falling again and again
But, they are here
Alive
The truth is bright in them
And perhaps they don't do it
The way you think they should
But if you could stop
Quit hating, cease to judge
Watch. Listen. LEARN
See them, the way I do
The gift of one soul

What Is Love

Sometimes, a sure quiet knowledge
In the deepest recesses of the soul
Other times it is huge
Endless and all encompassing
Like the sea
Often, a source of boundless energy
When it lives inside
It makes it's way to the surface
It is a balm, when there is pain and the tears come
It believes
Yes, it wears many faces
But always,  it is simple, real
It is true

No Reservations

There is freedom
In facing reality
Releasing expectations
Honoring the truth
Then, we are free to love
Without reservation

Tell Them

Take what lives inside of you
Accept it, love it
Love YOU
If it is the truth, then tell them
It doesn't matter if you're broken
And know that where you've been, what you've done
That is part of that truth
Do not hide who you are, or who you were
In your truth
How you live NOW
You are a light
Be you. Do it.
Please don't let up
Never give in
You are a gift

Fear

Fear
We let it take over
Some will hide
Heart beating fast
Terrified that the status quo will change
Many turn to sabotage
If I make a mess for you to clean up
While you all deal with that
The fear thing will be off the table
Then, there are those that justify
Need to find a solid excuse
An airtight alibi, and then
It won't be my fault
I'll keep myself separate
Don't mess with my even-keel
Some get so scared
That they can only
ATTACK
Uncontrolled anger
YOU WILL NOT FUCK WITH MY WORLD
IF YOU DO I WILL GET YOU
They attack....verbally....physically
Some even need to start wars
They feed off the anger
Letting the black darkness
Mask their terror
You can't always recognize the "stuffers"
They pretend they're not afraid
Carefully scripted, presenting "I'm fine"
Meanwhile their physical and mental health suffers
From holding the thing in
In the end we are all
Terrified little children
Afraid of change
Afraid of what's different
Terrified that someone else's choices
Will mean ours are naught
And while it is perhaps admirable
In  some situations, to "be prepared"
In the end, all we can really ever do
Is to live in this moment, the one we are sitting in
For the past is done, it's lessons learned
And the future isn't here yet
Each person chooses what they will do
In each moment
And whether we choose a safety net
Or decide to go without
We will still face the fruits of that choice
You decide

Sweet Summer Morning

Soft and silky
Feels nice on bare shoulders
Blissfully quiet
Only birdsong to be heard
Curled up in a silk sheet
By the open window
Warm sunshine
Sweetly scented summer breeze
Tea and poems close at hand
The day is warm, delicious, open
There's no rush
Freedom
Sitting by the window
Wrapped up in a silk sheet
And this warm summer feeling

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Journeys

A choice
That strikes fear in their hearts
A debt owed?
The books are cleared now
Journey begun
Souls well met
Brave, broken, beautiful
Even some brave adventurers
Who walk their words
Each sharing a token
For the train
One who journeys
Forever grateful
Heart filled
Fresh, new wind blows
Each day begun anew

Heaven's Last Outpost

We are similar
He and I
We come here a lot
He draws people
I see him pick the day's subject
And he works
Eyes alight, face earnest
Hands moving across the paper
His creation the entire world
In this moment
Sneaking a glance when he can
Like me
Taking a snapshot of a soul
And trying to capture the light
Behind their eyes
Do you know
The place we go
While we work
Is the only thing left
Of what I used to think
Might be a place called Heaven
Songwriters, musicians
Their work brings me there too
I will gladly keep coming back

Crooked

I can't help but grin
You're just walking through life
And you know, something's just off kilter
You're.......crooked somehow
Yes, that's it!
Crooked
Like something straight
That some occurrence or series of events
Has bent into a different shape
I suppose you could find that tragic
But I don't
You see I really SEE people
And I think the shapes
That life makes of us
Make us beautiful
I have never looked at a soul
And thought "How ugly"
So, it's alright for us to be crooked
I think that we are beautiful

Hope

Do you think perhaps

There is a place 

With warm sun

Where the soul is light 

Each morning is an adventure

Where we do not fear 

And souls are accepted 

As they are 

The sweet scent on the air

Creation, connection, openness 

When this place 

Is very, very heavy indeed

I tell myself 

That I will find such a place

While I still breathe 

And I have hope 

Getting Tangled / Everyday People

They reach out
Only wanting to share
And I stop
Playing my silly game
Do I stand
All the way in the light
This time
Let it's joy fill me
Only to be seared
When the dark comes
I always think
"This time I will not jump in"
And each time I do it anyway
For my soul finds people
Broken, beautiful people
Everyday people
Irresistible
And so I dive in
Going under
Getting all tangled up
And it's always such a joy
So amazing, beautiful
And, yes
So crazy, crazy painful
People just have no idea
A word, a gesture
Or our silence
We give each other such joy
And we hurt each other so
There it is again
Yeah, fucking ouch
I doubt I'll ever stop
Getting tangled up
I guess that's life
My time in the quiet places
In nature
And music
Keep my soul from being torn away
Life
Beautiful little walk isn't it?

Alone

Every day
Each soul
Learning
Joy
Pain
Connections
But the moment
When you finally realize
Your soul, in the end
Is alone on it's path
Despite the light we encounter
Along the way
Is all at once
The most beautiful freeing thing
And a freakish, heart-searing horror
But the truth IS
And we must not run from it
A soul not compromised
Is a soul on a solitary walk

Thoughts From An Interesting Week

I guess you just keep putting yourself out there
You rock it the way you believe it
Stay true to who you are
Some people will love you for it
Others will knock you down every chance they get
There will be times when you can't imagine getting through
Those moments show you strength you didn't know you had
They also teach you who your friends really are
When someone makes you sad
It's tempting to pull back, hide, protect yourself
I keep trying to do that but I find I can't
If I believe, if I love, I only know one way to do that
Big.
So yeah, fucking ouch, you know? Damn, people.
You know what though?
There is an amazing happy moment for every ouch
And I still love people
Tomorrow, I'm going to get up and put myself out there again
Because I know who I am
And this my life, my adventure
And I'm living it

Frontiers

Open a window
Refreshing breeze, sweetest scent
Whispers "Hey, you're OK you know"
Encouraged,  you open a door
The light and air of truth
Alter you, and your view forever
Revealing a whole new world
"Do you mean, I can have any of it?"
And you think to yourself
How amazing is this?!
Then, one day you meet someone
Living without walls of any kind
And you realize in that moment
The only limits that exist
Are the ones you place on yourself

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The Thaw

Bring me to the sacred place
Take me in your arms
So cold inside, like ice and snow
Infuse me with your warmth
Imprisoned in this inner place
A place that no one's been
The spirit's fire cam set me free
And help me breathe again
Only in total freedom
Open spirit, body and.soul
A place to trust your very self
For once, just let it go
The sweetest peace
The joy of truth
The bliss of skin to skin
The gift we give is all we are
And so love enters in

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Two Sides of a Soul

Is it possible to be

Raw but numb
Wise yet ignorant
Inspired and still hopeless
Energetic, yet pushed beyond fatigue

Can a person feel

Certain of their path but beaten down by obstacles

Beautiful but far too ugly to be seen

Strong enough to move mountains alone, yet need to be held, cherished and protected sometimes

Powerful but helpless

Do people see

A writer or a hack
A loyal friend or a joke
A brave traveller or a scared little mouse
An angel or a whore
A true original or just a bitch

Do you ever

Want to believe but can't find a foothold
Know, finally, that it's real but are terrified it will never be yours

I think perhaps, that's just how life feels sometimes. Or....is it just me?

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Yes

Possibilities, endless
Logic, jettisoned
Should and safety, sent away
Sight, altered
Wonder, rediscovered

A wind blows through the soul, cool and refreshing - and a tingling fear mingles with anticipation and an inexplicable, solid YES.

To Be

Always, you've walked here
And there was comfort in the familiar
So you seek it again
The warmth, like an embrace
For a time perhaps,  it works
You are able to distract yourself
But in the end, it is empty
And you knew that was coming
It stings, it's almost a loneliness at first
This knowledge of your path
To change, embrace the unknown
But you've seen it, you know the truth
After all those years wondering
You know that it is real
And your life's truth lies there
It is your choice
Return to your sleep
Or to live
You have made your decision already
Allow yourself to be

Soul's Gift

For anyone going through or who has gone through a rough time, from one who stands close by, watches, feels and loves.

It's as if  your souls
Are on the outside
So beautiful
I see you
My brave ones
Fire not quenched
By the world's pain
Truth not silenced
By anything life brings
I feel tiny, powerless
For I can only watch
Stand close by
Love you
And my soul
Always reaching
Seeing, feeling
She picks up the thread
Touches your soul
Warmth to warmth
And light to light
She weeps
That the world is so cruel
To those so precious
But she smiles, too
For your fire, your beauty
The sheer light that you are
And the truth that you tell
With your walk
Can never be hidden or made dark
And so she stands
In this sweet, exquisite pain
Knowing it will always be like this
She will always stand close by
Remaining near to those
Whom the world does not always understand
But whom are the most precious gift of all

Spirit, Freed

She's walking
Bright sun
Pieces of colored light
Scattered about
Heart, open
Mind, just watching as it all goes by
A mystery to some
Including herself, at times
Direction set, no plan
Just a slight smirk
It reaches the eyes
Spirit, freed

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The Speed of Summer

Skin, kissed by the sun
Flip flops, orange toenails
Perfect heat induced stupor
Blissful uncommitted hours
Find some soft shade
We can play for as long as you'd like
Sweet, slow exploration
Minutes, flowing nice and slow
Like so much honey
The speed of summer

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Awe

Some have known
Such sorrow and pain
And I know now
That perhaps I shall never understand
I won't insult you further
By claiming that I do
My eyes, and my heart
Have not known
What yours have
But I see with different eyes now
You helped make that happen
The connectedness
Sheer mathematical beauty
Perfect, absolute simplicity
Vast, endless
I stand in wonder
Lost in awe
And now, being grounded
Tethered another friend called it
Will never do
I am tiny, but
We are all a part of it
And so, are we not
Also endless?
Friends part ways
As we have
But know this
Bright, beautiful soul
My sight is altered
Because of what
You helped me see
And while you do not
Truly understand me
Know that I will never give up
I will always fight to be real
And
I will always stand in awe
Thank you

For T

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Life Outside The Bubble

Haven't really been much of anywhere
There's so much I don't know
Things not in my experience
Tiny little world
No idea what's hip
Not that I care
Makes me laugh
How often
I step in it
Just because this bubble
Has been so small
Sometimes others laugh too
And that's okay
But what I feel
Who I am
And my direction
That is my truth
We'll see what happens next
I think it's going to be fun

Hiding

Some days you're hiding
And sometimes it's me
Do people really know
What it means to be free
Dodging and ducking
Away from the sun
Running for safety
The damage is done
There's comfort in sameness
Stay inside the lines
We throw away treasure
If it's not the right kind
Some things, they may happen
Just once in a life
Or never for some folks
Immersed in their strife
So, when truth takes your hand
Shall we boldly declare
"Today is for living!"
Sweet moments so rare

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Leaning Forward

Blanket of snow
Winter's bitter cold breath
I sit
Sheltered in the warm car
Warming frozen digits
Longing for warmth
Without and within
Recalling
The joy of green growth
And the scents of life all around
Restricted by winter's geer
Crying out for freedom
Of the spirit and of the body
Knowing
The time comes soon

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Easy Peace

Do you set the limits
At what eyes can see
And ears can hear
Be not afraid
Of what is to be known
In the silence
Souls torn
Hearts broken
But in the quiet places
Within us
Where love abides
You come as you are
Here, in this place
Simple and warm
Sweet and easy
Like a breeze in summer
The beauty contained
Within a soul
Shared
Burdens made lighter
Hearts lifted
Like a balm
I will hold your hand
And your heart
Come with me

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Truth Distilled

Truth
Sifted through experience
Distilled
Over endless hours
Sweet blend
Of heart and skill
Birthed from sheer love
Of a craft
The hope
They will see, and hear
But you will do this
Regardless
Just know
Some HAVE seen, and heard
And we take something with us
It matters

Free Fall

So you think
You know
What you want it to look like
And then
Every day
Keeps rolling
And doesn't it just
Look like
Anything but
Crushed under the weight
Of so much nothingness
And it's all so cheap
Means nothing to you
But oh!
The price you've paid
For all of this endless
Nothing
Do you understand
Finally
That you are only
Responsible for
Your own walk
You try to carry them
And you only make them
Weak
You can have love
And compassion
You can help
But you cannot
Fix it
And they have to live it
Themselves
Let go
So little is needed
Your grip
It loosens
Looks like a long way down
But it's OK
Free fall
Is a mode of travel, too

So, I Had This Picture In My Head....

I am a big believer in being able to picture your dream.  If you can SEE it,  you can create it and it will happen. Set your general direction and MOVE. I've seen this work and I believe in it unequivocally.

Having said that, I am learning there is an important distinction to be made.  You see, ever since I was little, I've had a habit.  When I am looking forward to something, I begin to picture in my head just exactly what this will be like when it arrives.  My visions of what I anticipate are quite specific and detailed, they always have been.  And I become emotionally invested, in the extreme, in these outcomes, as if they are already here.

The problem with this habit is that over the course of my life it has caused me some significant heartache.  Because LIFE doesn't happen according to plan.  Life is a big, beautiful carnival with so many possibilities and variables - some days the ride is a blast and other days....you're behind a tree puking your guts out. But there's always so much to do, so much to try. By telling yourself you ONLY want to try the merry-go-round,  you're missing out on all the other cool things to do.  Or maybe, you get a flat tire on the way to the carnival but the person who stops to help you out becomes your best friend,  or tells you about a cool job that's just perfect for you. Perhaps,  after you're on your way you see a gorgeous sunset you would have missed had  you been at the carnival. You get the idea.

Up until very recently, I kept reliving this over and over, refusing to learn the lesson  - as this job, that budget solver, or a trip or relationship didn't turn out as I had pictured. Several friends have recently shown me the value in moving in the direction of your dreams but making sure to stay open on the journey, allowing the details and the day to day simply to unfold as it comes.  There really is something to be said for "going with the flow."

Old habits die hard, I get upset or stressed out, when I INSIST something has to go the way I wanted it to.  But this lesson really just keeps slapping me in the head lately, so it is time I fully internalize it.  I'm getting there....like being open to what to do right now while I explore radical changes in career options. I showed an interest in and took the new assignment at work I am on now.  It has turned out to be wonderful, I am working with delightful people and building new skill sets that will be useful personally and professionally no matter what I do later.

I'm grateful for the bumps and bruises on this road, because they mean I'm learning.  Finally.  I'm staying open. In the last year I have been blessed to meet some amazing new people who I am lucky enough to be able to call friends. These amazing  people have really taught me a great deal about simply letting situations, people and just life in general simply BE and UNFOLD as they will.

I have set my sails, and I know my direction.  But the specific details of the journey?  Let's just see how it goes.  I think this might be fun!

Make no mistake, the pattern is still there, and I still have that reaction,  the need to work out in my head "what it's going to be like."  But when I feel myself  going there, I'm recognizing it now.  I can SEE myself doing it. I can stop. I think way too much,  you know?

Some of the most beautiful moments in my life have come because of a person or situation that wasn't at all what I originally thought, or because a "wrench" being thrown into the works changed my plans.  On my "Sunday Adventures" each week, some of my favorite pictures have been taken in places  that were NOT the plan for that day and some unexpected factor sent me in an unplanned direction.  I love that.  I now have almost 2000 pictures and I'm taking more all the time. I LOVE finding an unexpected view or something beautiful where no one would expect to find it.

Why share this?  Ha ha.  Why not, it's my blog, after all.  Really though, I can't be the only person who runs around being a control freak about things.  Bottom line, this is about letting go, giving up that all  important control....not easy to do but I'm finding there are so many amazing blessings in store when we do!

Hey leave some comments if you'd like, I'd love to hear about other people's efforts to "go with the flow."

Love to all,

Beth

Spill Into Me

Aw
Didn't you just
Make me skip
Missed a beat
Like sunshine
In a glass
Touching my lips
Spilling over
Light
Fills me up
Pours out
Everywhere
Speak not
See everything
Validation
Not required
Preparation
Useless
Live
Breathe
Exist
For this moment
When the sun
It comes out
Just for me

Through The Looking Glass

Sun  pieces

Stained glass

Hearts pressed

Against the pain

Fallen to earth

So much fertilizer

Pluck the strings

Raise your voice 

Never silenced

Focus your gaze

Unlocked

You seek allies

Abandoned

Standing alone

Foggy landscape

Spirits

Or are they demons

Cavort

But you won't dance

Is this your heaven

Or maybe it's hell

Silly Alice

They're one and the same

Keep walking, cupcake 

Cold

Cold
Chilled from within
Strong, always
Past apologizing
Layers
Ripped back
Empty
Uttering prayers
You don't believe
Frightened ones
Avoid the dark
You enter gladly
Seek the black embrace
Here
Where none can see
Masks off
Fairy goes dark
Tearing off your own wings
Blood red eyes
Comfort me not

Give It Up

Are you gonna
Do you wanna
Give it up
Split second
In a life
Big life
Old life
Losssst life
Your life
Tear it down
Rap it 'round
Can't know
Let go
Drum beat
Smoke and heat
Sweet liquid motion
Lose you
Instinct
In-drawn breath
No thought
Just be
Now

Black Heart

Black heart moments

Rain falls

Sharp edges 

You told them all 

Never again

Would you fall on the sword

But now

Oh beautiful pain

Dash yourself

Against it's rocks

Happily

Ride the music

Scraping up remnants

Like someone starving

Naked to the world

Nothing hidden 

Surprised to find

Not weakness 

But strength 

No Control

White knuckle girl
Just let it unfurl
Release your control today
Just let it be
The energy's free
There's nothing to do or say
So stop the trying
And all of your crying
While you try to shape it your way
People who know
They go with the flow
And enjoy what comes each new day
So set  your course
But NO CONTROLS
The journey's half the fun
So much to see along the way
While walking in the sun

Road Trip

Gonna take a road trip
Got no destination
Don't need much
Just a little gas money
Take the summer
Drive around
Seeing things
Not touristy things
Life things
Meet people
Talk to them over a beer
Sleep under the stars
Take thousands of pictures
And let the words out to play
Anytime they want
Just need a good pair of sneakers
A camera, notebook and pen
Who's with me?

Summer Thoughts

I'll paint my toes
Bright orange
And wear a little sundress
And flip-flops
I'll enjoy the feeling
Of my own hair
On my bare shoulders
'Cause I'm weird like that
Gonna wander in the park
And laugh and smile
At all the people
With their kids and dogs
I'll take pictures
Of all the green things
Because they make me feel so good
And ice cream!
I'll have an ice cream cone
And I'll enjoy it so thoroughly
The old men playing chess
Will all get boners
Later
I'll watch some killer live music
Under a clear night sky
Filled with stars
And I'll have a sweet little buzz on
So I'll probably go skinny-dipping
Because
Why not?
I'll end the day falling asleep
Hair still damp
Night breeze coming through the window
And I'll enjoy that summer feeling
Because summer
Feels like nothing else

It's the People

I'd like to take you all
To this place I know
It's got a roaring fire
Killer music
Some food and drink
Plenty of space
To relax, talk
Maybe a card game
We're all laughing
And nobody has work
For a few days
In another room
A big TV with NO CABLE
And a huge collection
Of the best movies
Just a sweet little place
For a few friends
To get away
And help each other to remember
What's so cool
About this life anyway
It's the people

In Your Hands Alone

For all women of all ages........

It all seems
Unbelievably
Huge
Sometimes
Road so long
Impossible need
Keep every soul
Whole and happy
Shards at your feet
The smell of failure
But NO
Stand up!
Stop your crying
You're not a barbie doll
And you're not their little princess
Not a workhorse, a saint, or a whore
You're a human being
A Woman
A living soul
Inside of this body temple
Where you take these
What you give and share
And what you choose to hold back
These are in your hands alone
Believe
In
YOU

Hold Fast

Hold fast
Darkness passes
Dreams held dear
Can seem heavy
When carried alone
So long
But within you
Lives truth
In facing this
Finding strength
To continue
And the courage
To share it
You shall not
You WILL NOT
Be broken
So, hold fast
Beautiful soul

White Knuckles

Let go
Fierce,  painful
White knuckled grip
Killing yourself
Seeking elusive
Impossible
Control
When you know
Only in release
Does anything ever flow
And when it does
It all lands where it should
It always has
So
Stop
Exhale
Now
Let go

Bleeding

It will never be
Neat and sterile
For some of you
Try as you might
It cannot be that way
For you
Because you feel
And you bleed
When you do
Life flows in you
And out of you
Like a light
In and around you
And in spite of your pain
You know
This sharing
Is what keeps you sane
And it is why you are here

Conquer

Fear
Insidious
Creeps in
Can't move
Doubt
Tells you
Not to believe
Too risky
Cynicism
Whispers
Remember?
They'll screw you over!
Negative self-talk
You're can't do it
NO! STOP!
Choose to believe
In yourself
And in the rest of us
Despite our spectacular mistakes
We are beautiful
We can build it

There Once Was A Woman From Mass (A rhyming poem about one life)

There once was a woman from Mass

Who thought she might get off her ass

She hoped to explore, meet friends and much more

Head out with a tank full of gas

At first it was fun, the whole world so new

Unbelievably sweet each new day

Nature and friends, and words that would blend

Remembering what it was like just to play

But joy was short-lived, as it so often is

Not everyone liked this new way

Some folks will fight change, it’s outside their range

Seeing nothing but clouds every day

But forge on she did, determined to live

A journey begun must go on

A spirit of hope, and a heart full of love

How could anything about this be wrong?

But who would have thought

Such a mess she could make, simply by wanting to live

You can’t walk through life in sweet freedom

And there’s always so much to forgive

  

Some try to keep their love in a box

Just knowing it’s there, they feel safe

Still others must strive to define it

Rejecting it, if it’s in the wrong shape

Some will get close enough to feel it’s sweet warmth

Then run, before becoming consumed

Choices, decisions, we make our own way

Dreams can be realized or they can be ruined

Many with smiles, a sweet word, or a hug

Encouragement as she goes on her way

Others with judgments, words that stab to the heart

Still, every dawn brings a new day

The woman, she knows now, her walk is alone

For each must find their own road

Each soul she encounters, a wondrous gift

Inexorably marking her own

Exploring, living and lending a hand

Honoring all that’s been learned

Sweet distance ensures no harm to be caused

In her memory the lessons are burned

    

Still unsure of a final destination

But knowing her direction is true

The woman walks on, with hope in her heart

And wishes only love to all of you

The Living Dead

In this life
Many teachers
Cross our path
Making their walk
Some make us angry
Challenge us
Do you ever stop
Oh please
Just stop
That
Right there
That person
Making you so angry
You're dismissing them
Judging
Closing your heart
That is a human being
With a soul
A wondrous beautiful soul
And maybe you're not exactly
Their favorite person either
You haven't got the slightest idea
What they have been through
Human beings MATTER
Not to be dismissed
Never to be forgotten
Or tossed aside
LOOK at him
LOOK at her
Talk to them
Or if you must walk away
What are you taking with you
If you're answer is nothing
You're already in your grave
Someone just needs to bury you

Data (Incoming!)

Cutting and pruning
Creates space
Selective now
Only what's needed
Anchors gone
Compass crushed
So much data!
A peculiar kind of empty
Feels good
Taste it all anew
All beliefs discarded
Who are you then
Stops and starts
Oh!  Another new thing!
Consider
More weighing
Tossing and keeping
So much tossing!
Throws them all off
When choices
Frighten the others
But you walk on
Undaunted

Old and New

Change
Elimination
New data
Reflections
Pushing
Going nowhere
Not enough air
Unchanged
Same perch
Old methods
Same results
Gradual
Take your time
Trying
Somehow
The thought never leaves
The only way
Is to blow it all up

Cover Up!

She was aware
She was naked
But until that moment
Never had it occurred
To be ashamed
Suddenly
Through another set of eyes
Finally understanding
Shall we then....
Install the caution tape?
Cover up?
Speak no evil?

State Your Case

Moments of confidence
Moments of doubt
Making a mess
And then cleaning it out

Focusing outward
You're beautiful, friends
I'm sending you love
Glimpse life through your lens

Some see an agenda
Insist that I'm dark
I'm hiding from no one
It's clear and it's stark

I believe and I love
And I'll never back down
Say and think what you will
But I'll be around

Believing, and helping
And sharing some light
Helping things happen
And making it right

Mistakes, we've all made them
I've had more than my share
All I can do now
Is to help clear the air

Continue to walk now
The sun on my face
Encouraging others
Let my walk state my case

Taking A Walk

Sometimes we walk
And sometimes we run
We get through the tears
And roll with the fun

Let's walk it in truth
While lending a hand
Rockin' our lives
And making our stand

There's beauty in you
And just maybe in  me
Keep sharing your gifts
The soul's light is free

The dark times are hard
The road can be long
One step at a time
And we can't go wrong

So let's take this road
Together we'll walk
Just being is wondrous
We'll travel, and talk

Now bring on the music
It blows through my soul
Tis' food for the journey
And part of the whole

Woman, Suspended

Naked
Alone in the dark
Warm, smooth skin
Caressed by cool sheets
Curled into a ball
Arms crossed tightly
Hair, a soft tangle
Lying there
In the weight of time
Every moment of a life
Distilled to now
Silent house
Her own breath
A church bell tolls nearby
Pulse and heartbeat
Hypnotic
Mind, quiet
Spirit, stilled
A life
Suspended

In The Mirror

Curling into darkness' embrace

Away from prying eyes

Gavel silenced

Cool Relief

Blessed silence

Oh beautiful, brittle, short peace

But always

The inevitable return

So bright the light

Behind those eyes 

Strings

Song plays within me
And the strings are plucked
Beautiful mind pictures
Summer day so warm
Feeling on my skin
Scent on the breeze
Eyes closed
Awareness
Teased open
The mingling
All this
Swirling
From a melody
Playing within me
Strings plucked

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B-I-G

Funny how it creeps up on you

That list of things we find "necessary" to live

Whether it's to keep up with someone

Or the expectations we put on ourselves

Have we stopped and asked

Do we really need all of this? 

Why, oh why is everything so BIG?

Televisions 

Grocery Orders

Piles of toys

Waistlines, too 

Sometimes I feel so surrounded

By people 

And all the endless THINGS

We think we need

Don't you see 

Do you understand that everywhere you go

In every minute of your day

You CARRY all that shit with you

Either physically 

Or in your need to manage to having it 

We do work we hate 

We lessen ourselves 

Compromise who we are

Because I'm supposed to live this way?

Success!!

I just keep trying to push it away from me

And everyone just keeps bringing it back 

We wear it like a badge

"I work hard!" we tell ourselves

As if the soul sucking sacrifice is worth the shiny things

As if it's all we were meant to be 

The American Dream! 

Oh, YEAH BABY!

I was numb too, for a long time 

And now I just ache 

To simplify, to lessen 

To walk with less 

Surprising how tough it can be

Throw it out, give it away 

Tell them, please, no more 

But it never seems to penetrate 

Do you get it?  

I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE  

Friendship Lost

Much water under the bridge
Good and bad
Friendship remained
Through it all
My belief in who you are
And what you do
In the end
I guess it was too much
Sensing the discomfort
Drift, rejection
My sorrow at having brought
Nothing good, only difficulty
I still believe in you
And wish you, my friend
Only light and love
May only good things be yours

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It's Entirely Possible

This is a rather personal blog entry about the last 15 months of my life.  I'm stating that up front, and yes, I am choosing  to share it on purpose. There is no one that will be harmed by it because there is no newly revealed information.  I think it's important, because someone else might be going through it too.

Ok, it's not a poem.  It's really a musing.  Ha - actually it IS amusing also.  Sometimes.  I have to be honest, I am really teetering on the edge here. Of what?

Well, of this 15 month journey.  I spent more years than I care to admit in a TV and work filled daze, stuffing my mind with empty, stupid programming and ideas and my face with whatever was in front of me.  I really didn't look past the end of my own nose as far as the world, how I fit, or what I believed.

And yeah, I am lucky to have some of the best friends a person could ask for.  They'll look at that paragraph and start telling me that's not true.  But, that 's what it felt like to me.

15 months ago I realized I needed to do something. A combination of discussions with friends, a few amazing books, some music, and an endless, ceaseless unease - these things combined and I realized that I was numb and I didn't like it.

Over the past 15 months, I've spent time excavating.  Pandora's Box - I opened it and everything flew out. I didn't leave any stone un-turned. (Funny again - Stone is my maiden name)  I looked at health, career, friendship, spirituality, marriage, sexuality, politics....you name it.  Over and over, I realized, that when I truly examined my heart I was not the person I'd been playing at being all those years.

I'm not conservative.  I'm not republican.  I've come to realize I'm not even christian anymore. I question things - everything.  I DON'T need all this ....stuff....this shit we surround ourselves with. I believe that self sacrifice is beautiful but NOT when one person's entire being is denied in the process, and not when the sacrifice causes harm. In other words, falling on the sword is an empty gesture if you are enabling weakness or entitlement on the part of the receiver.  I don't believe anyone, of any age, rank or position just "deserves" respect.  I believe we, each of us, has to get up every day and EARN that. I could go on and on. I won't.

So, after going from mom & dad's house to "our house" in a marriage and moving in relatively small circles, with little exposure to different ideas, I decided to change the channel.  I thought, OK - we tried closed.  Let's try OPEN.

OMIGOODNESS.  Can I just say this last 15 months has been a roller coaster ride?  OK, some of you are reading this and saying "she's pathetic" or "nobody's that sheltered".  You can make fun of me if you want to. Some already have.  It's OK. My closest friends have seen all of it and can attest to the truth of it.

I really started to....just put myself  out there.  I started writing poetry again for the first time in more than 10 years, and began blogging.  I talked to people I never had.  I considered ideas I would have shunned before. I did things that would have intimidated me before.  I don't want to shuffle sedately through my life, I want to LIVE IT.

And the people?  Oh, you're all so beautiful. When you gravitate toward only things and people you are  comfortable with,  you are never exposed to anything new.  In opening up and talking to so many different people, I have discovered new music, authors, and ideas. I've been reminded of how endless and heart-stoppingly beautiful our universe  is and how perfectly, mathematically astounding it is!  I have found courage to try new things and ideas - like a planned change in career for 2013.  I want to work in support of the arts in any and all their forms.  My own artistic talent is limited, but by providing needed services to those who do bless us with the truth through their art, I can help ensure the arts keep enriching everyone's lives.

So, maybe life DOESN'T have to be a hamster wheel.   Maybe it can feel fantastic.  Maybe we can wake up every day, totally psyched for the day.

I know, I need to firm up something much more specific than that but even believing it is possible would never have happened before.All I know is it needs to support the arts, and it needs to leave me enough time and energy to reach out, to help others.  There's so much that needs doing out there, so many in need of help.  Meanwhile, millions of us waste away in cubicles doing meaningless work instead of being out there with our fellow human beings! Like I said I have no idea what this will look like. But it HAS to be different than before. It has to.  We're doing it wrong.

What can I compare this to?  You're probably already laughing, calling me crazy.  Why is she always over-sharing? Go ahead. It won't be the first time.  But, I'll tell you anyway - it's sort of like walking around blindfolded and suddenly having it removed.  I can't get over the wonder of each new day.  I'm sorry if that sounds crazy to you.  It's how I feel. It's just that I had never before FELT like this...the thought that the entire world really IS out there and maybe you CAN do this in a way that makes you joyful every day.....THAT'S what all this sharing came from.  I'm not just stuck on myself, it was just that as the old and the new clashed and I saw and felt everything I needed a place to put it. Hence, the blog.

It took a long time to dig out and discard all the crap, and decide what is to be kept.  That's what 2012 was for. 2013 is for action steps, baby ones and big ones that build "the beautiful thing."

I also have some crazy amazing friends, both in RL and online.  Several of you have been there through everything and anything I came up with this year.   Because of you I am standing  here today, ready for a new year and excited about life.  Because of you, I know what the word grace means.I look up to you, each of you, you have taught me much about life, love, friendship and personal courage.   I love you so much.

While I was putting myself out there this year, I know I made some messes.  I confused some of you.  I hurt some people.  I was so.....self-absorbed....because it was all new to me....that I lost sight of just about everything else.  At times,  I know that I was thoughtless, just focused on the moment and not on the other people that were walking around with me, both in RL and online. I want to say I am sorry.  I am truly sorry for those I have hurt this year during my journey with my thoughtless behavior.  You also have taught me.  You have shown me what I do not want to be. I am sorry and I will walk the lessons you've shown me.

Some will say this was too personal to share. I have shared as a record of what has happened to me, and also for anyone else trying to survive and triumph through a period of great change.  We CAN do this.

Thank you for all who stop by and read me.

Love to all,

Beth
Monday
January 7, 2013

Listening

I have come to realize
When another person
Is not in a good place
That I don't necessarily
Need to have all the answers
Or even the ability to fix it
No, all that is needed
Is the accepting
Non judgemental ear
Of a friend
Being OK with where they are
Regardless of what that is
And simply listening
A cup of tea
An emailed hello
Or an encouraging text
Just being there
That's unconditional
If I cannot do this
I do not love them
And I am no friend to them
I want always to be
This kind of friend
Otherwise my flowery words
Of how much I care
Are empty

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Baby Steps

That was a dark moment last night
But I think we need to face those
And walk though them
In order to come back out
Into the light
I'm still questioning
The entire last fifteen months
But I think perhaps
There is a difference
Between not walking forward at all
Hiding, crawling back inside
And walking with purpose
Moving forward with caution
Making thoughtful, deliberate choices
And building something
That you know awaits
On the right path
With time to live, love, laugh
And lend a hand
OK, my heart hurts
This hasn't turned out as I'd hoped
Not so far
But I'm not giving up
I'm just going to be a little more cautious
Baby steps
They are still steps
After all

Winter's Light

Outside my window
The bright morning sun
Shines on bare winter branches
It is stark
And I know that it is cold
But, it is beautiful
And I think to myself
Perhaps
There is hope
After all

A Failed Experiment

For so many years
I looked at nothing
Numb
And then
For fifteen months
I looked at me
Changed the channel
From closed to open
The entire world!
Open before me
Could all THIS
Really be possible
It felt
So
Good
I didn't know
It could be like this
Hope was mine
But I hadn't learned yet
How to walk through this new land
With grace
And so, I was too loud, said too much
I guess I made a mess
Then came the labels
Selfish
Crazy, nuts
Even liar
And now
I'm just so sick
Of myself
Just like the rest of you are
And so
Call me weak
If you'd like
But my heart
My spirit
Are closed for business
I'm moving the dial back
I don't want to hope anymore
Keep your stupid shiny thngs
I'm turning in my wings
And leaving the sparkles
For someone else to spread
And so now
I will focus on others
Spend time with my mom & brother
And volunteer for a good cause
I will look at others only
Fifteen months
Was quite long enough
No more looking at me
For in the end
This was
A Failed Experiment

On Being A Twit (ter Addict)

Damn, how I loved you guys
For a while there, you were all I could see
I shared a lot, more than the average
I'm still asking myself if that was a good idea
You sort of get to think you know people
But you can't know somebody's mind, heart or their life in 140 characters
What we see is the tip of the iceberg.
We get angry when people aren't where, what and who we wanted
When I love someone I want to give them this gift
To love and accept unconditionally, where and who they are NOW
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going anywhere
I like hanging out with you guys, it's fun
But the last few weeks....I don't know
I'm different
I didn't think it could happen but....I think I broke my twitter.
But perspective is good, and so is change
Let's see what 2013 brings
I think it's gonna be a good one

With love,

Beth

Happy New Year 2013

I applaud those who are strong within themselves.  You seem, on the surface, at least, to know who you are.   Celebrate that.  If indeed, you do have it that together, I am amazed!  That's beautiful!!!

Sometimes though, I can tell a person doesn't actually have it together.  Or perhaps, like me, they are new to their search for self, and finding comfort in who that is. Because that's when people see who I am as a threat to who THEY are.  They're not yet at the point where they've realized that we can be incredibly varied, take completely different paths, even believe differently - and yet - that's OK.  We can compliment each other in the best possible ways.  Everyone brings something different to the table.

Why do we always need to think that all issues are black and white?  Why does my reality, my truth have to threaten yours?  The reality?  It DOESN'T.  You just think it does.

When we are judgmental, inflexible, in those moments when we think OUR WAY is the only way, this is when we lose.  These are the moments when we build walls with our fear and our need to control.

Why can't we understand that we can BE different, and DO IT differently and that it's OK?  We can enjoy life and give each other mutual respect.We can BE.

I am beginning to understand, to know - truly - who I am and what I need to do, who and what I need to be.  And she's absolutely NOTHING like the fake, plastic little barbie doll who was walking around before.
Absolutely everything has changed.  I've left no stone un-turned.  And yes, it's true what they say - once you've opened Pandora's box.....but truthfully I wouldn't change anything about my journey these last 18 months. This feels like a homecoming, inside of me - if that makes sense.

2013 will be a year for me to finally manifest, to walk, the changes that have taken place inside of me.  Over this past year, many friends have stood by my side while I worked through each item I took out of Pandora's box.  Every item that came out into the sunlight meant more revelations,  more laughs, more tears....and more reality. Tough yes, but also freeing and amazing.  To find ones own lost soul.....

I have to pause here a moment. I find it difficult to put into words what a difference some of my friends have made to me this last year.  Listening to me, laughing with me, helping me let go, have fun and enjoy who I am, believing in me, showing me a different view, and fuck-all INFINITE patience when I was a complete loon and allowed my mess to spill onto them.  This is only the tip of the iceberg.  You know who you are and I am where I am right now - happy, excited and ready for each new day - because your help made it possible.  You have my heart and my thanks always, dearest ones, you are angels on earth. I'm sorry, I'm gushing again - but that needed to be said.

So now?  I'm ready for a new path, a new year.  I've done the excavating, I've taken out the items, looked at them in the sun and learned their lessons.  So now?  Now I MOVE. I walk forward every day, manifesting my dreams.

I will live my passion.  I will take risks. I will get up when I fall and go again! I will be silly.  I will be spontaneous. I will give in to beautiful impulses.  I will follow my intuition. I will not give up or give in.  I will enjoy each day.  I will have FUN. I will create. I will be grateful, always for the amazing souls I have come to know.  I will keep it simple. I won't take myself and everything around me so seriously! I will display compassion and love in those difficult moments.  I will get off this fucking hamster wheel and take time to build something that reflects who I am and allows me the time to live and to give and help others.  Working and sleeping and nothing more?  This is not a life, not to me.

I will stand in the sun this year.

Happy New Year!

The Fire Inside

Needs, simple
Ideas, many
Heart, open
Passion, burning
Standing ready
Hands and feet
Aching to work
To build it
Needing to sing, dance, laugh
Live for what you love
Hold on tight
Let's do this!

T.I.G.H.

Surrounded
Fear, inertia
From within
And without
No more
I'm sorry, but
It's like the man said
This is gonna hurt
One shot
One life
Taking flight

Groove

It's easy

To lose your groove

Convince yourself
Justify 

But in the end

You know who you are

The road is before you

Get up and move 

Unafraid

There was a time
Hesitant on my path
Needing approval
Wanting a hand to hold
Afraid to do this alone
And now
I know me
I am strong
I take life
Shake it
Mold it
Build this thing
That I see in my heart's sight
It is mine, it exists already
There are many I love
And I want so much
To take you all with me
On this walk
To journey together
Some of you will come to see
That our path's intersect
You are the freshest air of my in-drawn breath
You inspire me so
And I will live in gratitude for you
Each day we walk this road
Still others
Will move away
On their own path
And when you do
You will take a part of my heart
With you
The tears will come
And the pain, it will stay
But I know my path
And I will walk it
There is great and amazing joy
And freedom in this
For a soul to wake each day
Eager for the day
Loving each moment
Grateful for each breath
I can see it
And I am building it
Every soul I have encountered
So beautiful
For what you have all added
To my life
I am so grateful
And truly, I love you
I raise my glass to each of us
And our beautiful journeys
I wish you love and light on yours
As I take mine
Eager for each new day

All The Difference

It matters not
How you found it
You just rejoice
That you did
Your heart's in-drawn breath
When there was no air
For so long
And knowing it exists
Regardless of how life plays out
Your soul cans soar
Because if the universe
Really DOES
Contain this truth
Then other simple
Beautiful things
Must also be real
Real, and possible
This knowledge
It rewrites your story
From the inside out
Yes, I know
There is both joy
And sorrow in this
But once known
You would not give up
This soul knowledge
Not for anything
For knowing it
Has made all the difference

Precious and Breakable

People
Souls we encounter
They are precious
I encounter them
Catch a glimpse
Of their soul
And I fall
Matters not
What roles we play
We can be anything
I only love one way
Everyone
Deeply
When I try to show them
I fuck it up so profoundly
Since I've found open
I find translation
From what I know inside
To walking it
To be difficult
I come to know them
Souls, so beautiful
So profoundly breathtaking
I cannot help but reach out
Draw closer
Want to know more, to help
To love
Because my sight....
I see you
Do you understand?
I SEE YOU
Accepting, celebrating, loving
All that you are
And it all spills over
And in that moment
It happens
I can't....how do I.....
Why can't I ever show it
What I know inside
I begin to understand
Even when what you share
Is good
Now, standing in the light
Long enough to focus
I see
Every action
Every action
Must be cautious
You can share
You can love
You can help
But you must be careful
Souls are precious and beautiful things
But they can be bruised and hurt
Caution is in order
Until a day
When I do not
Walk through life
Like that proverbial
Bull in a china shop
No, I do not pull back
From open
Simply walking cautiously
Until I move
More naturally

Pandora - Life Outside The Box

If you open it

There is good and bad inside

And I warn you

You can't put it back in

Won't be able to close that lid

Like stuffing a jack-in-the-box back in

I'll admit, at first

I WAS regretting opening it

Walking through a foreign land

No signposts or familiar markers

Just no point of reference

Mistakes, messes

Pain, both mine and others

I've tried running for cover 

Yes, a few times

 But, no

Running, quitting 

Not going to happen

Awake and aware now

Knowing the truth

Learning every day

To not walk it 

In reality 

Now

Weak & Cowardly

I will learn & embrace lessons

In both the joy and the mistakes

I will make right where I can

I will embrace life 

I will sing, laugh 

And I will love

I will LIVE 

Stones In The Pond

Everything we do
Each action
Your thoughts, too
Like a stone
Thrown into a still pond
Circles, spreading outward
Moving, overlapping
Whether you are glad of it
Or bleeding regret
Ever further reaching
Those circles
And you
You are your own
Cosmic pitcher
Throwing those stones
Sometimes carefully
Other times, a random careless act
Still
You own it all
Know that

A Little Dickens

I watched the classic Alastair Sim version of "A Christmas Carol" last night. I've always been a fan of this particular version, because of the stellar character actors, and Sim's performance in general. He had such an expressive face, and that laughing at the end...simply perfect.

I have seen so many performances of "A Christmas Carol" over the years. I have also read the story, many times.

For some reason, a particular line of dialogue stood out to me last night. The moment comes when Scrooge and The Ghost of Christmas Past are about to depart his rooms, and Scrooge says that he is afraid to fall.

The ghost says "Bear but a touch of my hand.....and you shall be upheld in more than this."

There is so much in this short line! Clearly for Scrooge, trusting this agent of good would do more for him than stop him from falling. A win-win for Scrooge, Yes?

But what about us?  I got to thinking...when WE offer help to each other, isn't the good that comes of it so often more than the simple act itself?

Really listening and delighting in a conversation with someone, picking a friend up from the airport, letting someone know something they created touched you, or bringing the crossing guard at your kid's school a coffee....small examples of everyday things we can all do.

I don't want to sound Pollyanna. But I do know when someone does something for me, the happy feeling goes beyond just what they did.

And, I feel great when I help someone else. There's that win-win again.

We can all be agents of good in each other's lives. Charles Dickens. Pretty smart dude, I'd say.

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Power To Burn Brightly

Here are some everyday pleasures that help me keep my lights on. What's on your list?

1. Walking in nature
2. First time in Fenway Park
3. Myles Kennedy's voice
4. Exploring new territory
5. Live music that kicks ass
6. Hot chocolate with Bailey's
7. Blisstique's music
8. Friday at 5:00
9. My little robot ring
10. Chris Whitley's lyrics
11.Todd Kerns! He just IS Rock N Roll!
12. Chewing. Stroking.
13. Writing
14. Taking pictures
15. Maker's Mark straight up
16. Glenn Stewart gigs
17. Hazelnut coffee
18. Making eye contact
19. Friendship!
20. Writing poems for my other blog

Just having fun......send me yours in the comments :-)

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Impostor

There's an impostor in my life
She lives inside of me
The truth is, she's the real
The one who walks the walk
Like she always has
She's a fake
I wear her, like a coat
Every day
While the real me
Smothers inside
Anxiety attacks grip me
When I must be too much
The old, closed me
Keep up the facade
So wrong, so foreign
I must let me out
While I have
Some marbles left
Path ahead so different
Than the predicted
But I must walk it
And no longer be
The impostor

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My Hallelujah

I ask myself
If you are there
Or not
Most often I think you are not
There was a time
That I kissed your feet
Believed unequivocally
It was comforting
But then
The empty
I looked for you
Looked
And looked
Endlessly searching
I found nothing
But when I see
The beauty of the souls
I have been blessed to
Know in this life
No matter what happens
Regardless of the passage of time
Victories and defeats
Joys
Tragedies
I look into their eyes
Or read their words
Then I see the soul
Of another human being
I can always find it
I still have no idea
If you are there
But I have never lost it
Inside of me
Defining hope
I close my eyes
And there it is, my
Hallelujah

Handling The Truth

Be thankful for those 

Who tell you the truth

For without it 

You are lost 

We get angry at them

Don't want to hear it

Find reasons to discount

The message they share 

The reasons they know

And why they share 

The particular vehicle they've chosen

These are not the point

What does matter

Is the message

And if you fight it

Become incensed 

Then you know

What they share 

It is for you

Open up and listen! 

Yes I know many

Truth seekers and truth tellers

In my face they are 

Relentless, sometimes obnoxious

They rip my comfort from me

Refuse to let me be complacent 

Always making me look in the mirror

And face what I would rather ignore 

There will never be a moment

That I am not thankful for you

My beautiful truth tellers

Never stop 

Not That Girl

I spent some time reading over some of my old journals last night, the one I was reading was circa 2004.  I was carrying on and on, pages and pages over the course of many months - all with the same theme.  I wanted to be a better person.  My  family was not happy with me.  I wasn't good enough. I needed to change, I needed to improve.

I have to be honest, I found the entire experience reading that over to be extremely sickening and disturbing. The person who wrote those entries comes across as a weak little mouse.  She assumes that she is in the wrong and everyone around her is right. She fully believes that she's somehow "bad" and needs to trust in God and her family that this is true and that she must "be better".

What is she doing with her time?  Working full time, managing a house & family and the complicated dynamics of this Twilight Zone version of the Walton's we have here with all the relatives in one building, and dealing with full-blown rheumatoid arthritis.

Even when someone attacks her verbally, she finds a reason to excuse them and blame herself.  Frankly, I still can't get get rid of the sense of disgust I felt reading those entries over.

OK, fine, "she" isn't someone else, she's me.  Or she was.  I guess that's what I realized and I'm thankful for it.  She WAS me.  I need to forgive her for the weakness she displayed in not believing in and standing up for herself.  I just want to take the lessons I can learn from that me, and move forward.

What this reading also brought home to me is how far away from that person I am now.  Clearly, I don't have all the answers.  Ask any of my friends, you have been with me on my journey to "finding me" that I started in September of 2011 and you know - it has been a messy, crazy journey!  (You know who you are, know that I love you and you have my heart forever, sweet friends.)

I do know for certain that I'm NOT that girl anymore.  While I may not know exactly what comes next, I have a much stronger sense of self now.  I believe in myself. I know what I want and I know what I need. I don't make excuses for that.  It isn't wrong.  I am not wrong.  Like anyone, I have things I can improve on and get better at.  But I am no longer the person who feels worthless and believes she is somehow lacking.  I have found my power.  It was there inside of ME the entire time.

What comes next?  I don't know. But every day, I will walk in the truth of who I am.  That means some people will stay with me and others may choose not to.  That is natural and is part of life.

The only plan I have is to walk forward, be truly myself, live in a way that honors my truth and my passion and to do that without purposely harming anyone. I will live deliberately.  Thanks HDT for that one.

Peace to you all.  

Following It

People walking through their day
A snippet of conversation
Music playing in the background
A lyric stuck in your head
You carry it with you
Like a shiny golden thing
It lives inside you
And all around you
No one can see it
You never talk about it
But yet, it defines you
Could you even describe it
If you wanted to?
Probably not
It's not a voice, not a feeling
Not a belief or a set of rules
Maybe you could call it
Your soul
It will lead you
If you let it

Carrying Hope

Where does hope live
Is it in our heart
Does our daily routine
Fortify it
Or take it away
Is your life grey
Or can you see the colors
Is hope a destination
Or perhaps an attitude
That you take with you
On the journey
It can be hard to hold on to
When times are tough
But isn't that when it's
The most precious
It can even stay with you
When you change direction
A nebulous, invisible commodity
This hope
But vital for survival, I think

Hand On The Gate II

Can you let go of it
What it's supposed to look like
The way it should be
It's one thing to talk about it
Well, let me tell you
It's another altogether
To actually do it
But when you dig your soul out
Brush off all that dirt and dust
Then, it wants to go out and play
And if you're afraid
To get out of your own way
Unable to leave your comfort zone
Then you end up
Standing at the gate
All aching and needing it so bad
You can see it, taste it
But you're too far away to touch it
Because you won't walk in
I think we all do this sometimes
True courage, it seems to me
Is moving forward
Even when you're scared shitless

To Be Continued........

Random Stream of Consciousness

You get tired of taking inventory
After a while
Sort of feels like
When the hell do I stop
Finding huge new revelations
Please tell me
There aren't any more areas
Where I'm that delusional
Holy hell
I'd love to think maybe
I'll get my act together
One of these days
You know?
I'm better at "digging" and "excavating"
Than a professional contractor
But hey
You know something?
It's all good
Every person's journey
Is different
I think that this life
Is a beautiful, messy, crazy, sexy, amazing
Little groove
And I'm going to enjoy it
I've got a sneaking suspicion
There are more revelations
To be had
And, more fun too
Yeah, we'll get there
One day at a time
I plan on enjoying the journey

Opal

Written while looking at the painting of the same title, "Opal" by Anders Zorn.

So, did it happen?
Were they real people
Or was it only
In the artists's view
The opalescent lake
Reflecting pink, and white
Like the skin
Of the two
Bare to the waist
Sitting in the grass
Surrounded by green
It doesn't matter
I suppose
If there ever was
Such a day
It is here
Before me
And so
It is happening
To me
I am one of the two
Gentle breeze blowing
Gazing at the water
A moment
Warm and free
I think
It must have happened
Yes, definitely

Q&A

Change
Inevitable
Journey
Begun
Answers
Few
Steps
Many
Passion
Embraced
Stones
Turned over
Storms
Weathered
Music
Always
Friends
Beautiful
Souls
Breathtaking
Destination
Real

I See You

As we walk
We gather
Soul Clutter
Carrying extra
We do not need
Twisting ourselves
Afraid to release our grip
I need this, we insist
Falling under the weight
Never once thinking
It doesn't have to be this way
Until another comes along
With clarity of sight
Which they've paid dearly for
Seeing what is real
And with them
A cleansing wind
Blows through your soul
The gift
Someone sees you!
Really sees YOU
Everything falls away
And you remember
Who you are

Real

There was a time
When I was real
No
I didn't have all the answers
But
My words
And my actions
Had no motivation
Save that of the moment
To be
To share
To smile
And, to love
Somehow, along the line
It got so much more complicated
Watching their eyes
Weighing the results
Am I OK?
Trying so hard, so hard
Body, mind and spirit
Tired and broken
In the vain effort
Getting OFF the ride now
It really doesn't matter
What anyone thinks
Or what they say
There will always be someone
To disapprove
I must be me
I must be real

Art, Yesterday and Today

Art
Reflects life
Our passions
What we believe
That which makes us
Who we are
I walk from room to room
Small snippets of life
Of history
Tiniest glimpses
Torn from the pages
Of time
So many ways
That we are similar
Our lives
Overlap
The things we hold dear
But from very beginning
We have devoted art
To war also
So many reasons
Have we found
To kill
Lashing out
As if in darkening
The light in another's eyes
We can somehow
Assure that ours will continue
Stupid man
Nothing is permanent
We all end
What will YOU leave behind?

What is Home?

Is it a place
Filled with memories?
Perhaps a person
The one whose heart
Arms, and soul
Accept and love you
Unequivocally
Unconditionally
Or is it
A feeling, maybe?
Inside of you
Deep down
That tells you
THIS IS RIGHT
HERE
We have found it
I've never been quite sure
This wandering heart
This seeking soul
But one day
I will find it

Poking and Peeking

You walk around the edges
You take a little peek
Here and there
Once in a while
You decide
You want to know more
And so you take a closer look
Begin poking around
But you aren't ready
You know it
And I know it
So you pull back
Revelation
Excavation
The truth of this life
It scares you
I know that
I can see
Be careful
One day
Your poking and peeking
Will reveal
More than you can handle
About yourself
About me
And about everything
You hold dear
And you'll need to
Reconcile that
Won't you?

Fuel From Within

When you want change
Where will you find the drive
The energy?
How will you overcome
The obstacles
I have learned this:
The answers
Aren't going to fall from the sky
Like magic
Nothing you've done or been
Makes you "deserve" them
Your husband, wife or lover
They can't help you
The momentum
It comes from YOU
The light for the road
Is the light within your own soul
The drive to make it happen
Has to be from  you
And you alone
If you are lucky
You will be blessed
To walk with like-minded souls
To make the journey sweeter
But you must be
Your own fuel
You and you alone

Tired

I'm tired

Of nothing being right

Of fighting for things

That don't matter to me

Anymore

Of shackles

Limitations

Finances

And

I'm terrified

That it won't change

And I will never find

That feeling

Home

And that fire 

To match mine

This

Isn't 

Working

Good Enough

I know how you feel
It isn't good enough, right?
Show the world a brave face
But in the dark
Alone
You can find no peace
There are so many
Questions
No warmth
To stave off
The doubts
Sweet release
To help you forget
Does it seem sometimes
That we could never
Shed enough light
For all this sorrow and darkness?
But in the morning
You get up
And you do it again
The way you do
And it does matter
It really does
Did you know that?
It does make a difference
You will probably never know
How much
Walk on
Beautiful soul
And know that YES
It is more than good enough

Carry On's

What will you choose
To carry with you?
Only what matters
I don't want to be lost
In the dark, the cold
But
I have your light
And
You have mine
There are times
When that's all there is
And maybe that
Is all we really need
To carry on

I Believe In Now

I see more than you think
Perhaps you could say the same
People like a sure thing
But life is messy
Doors open and close
Days tumble on
Colors of the heart
Music of the soul
Do you know
That some things
Will never be OK?
It's true, you know
That's why I believe
In now
And why I've come to believe
In embracing in this life
What is real, warm and beautiful
Moments of connection
Not to be taken lightly
Can build their own stairway
Believe
Love
Share

Losing Fear

Fear
Is wasted time
Clock ticks away
Moments lost
A choice
To live
In this moment
Yesterday will visit
With her consequences
And clean-ups
And we give her
What we must
This doesn't stop us
From taking NOW
Owning it
And building something
Real

A Walk With Friends

Fun, laughter
Shines a light
A connection, a smile
Touch, without meeting
Beautiful souls
Open, feels like......freedom
They get it
They get me
Passionate about life
Creative, authentic
Real
Rocking each new day
Just damned sweet
Hanging with you
A walk with friends
Truly
A moment to be thankful for

Thoughts From The Edge

Don't be dramatic
Keep it off others
It's not their problem
Take steps daily
Put in the work 
You'll get there
Never give up
You know what?
That's all true
And yes
I am strong
And YES
I will get there
But there are some days
When it seems so damned
Far away
When the obstacles
Feel insurmountable
They are pretty big, actually
That's the truth
But they CAN be conquered
I guess sometimes
I just get tired
Impatient
It's hard to stay on your perch
When you want to soar