Not That Girl

I spent some time reading over some of my old journals last night, the one I was reading was circa 2004.  I was carrying on and on, pages and pages over the course of many months - all with the same theme.  I wanted to be a better person.  My  family was not happy with me.  I wasn't good enough. I needed to change, I needed to improve.

I have to be honest, I found the entire experience reading that over to be extremely sickening and disturbing. The person who wrote those entries comes across as a weak little mouse.  She assumes that she is in the wrong and everyone around her is right. She fully believes that she's somehow "bad" and needs to trust in God and her family that this is true and that she must "be better".

What is she doing with her time?  Working full time, managing a house & family and the complicated dynamics of this Twilight Zone version of the Walton's we have here with all the relatives in one building, and dealing with full-blown rheumatoid arthritis.

Even when someone attacks her verbally, she finds a reason to excuse them and blame herself.  Frankly, I still can't get get rid of the sense of disgust I felt reading those entries over.

OK, fine, "she" isn't someone else, she's me.  Or she was.  I guess that's what I realized and I'm thankful for it.  She WAS me.  I need to forgive her for the weakness she displayed in not believing in and standing up for herself.  I just want to take the lessons I can learn from that me, and move forward.

What this reading also brought home to me is how far away from that person I am now.  Clearly, I don't have all the answers.  Ask any of my friends, you have been with me on my journey to "finding me" that I started in September of 2011 and you know - it has been a messy, crazy journey!  (You know who you are, know that I love you and you have my heart forever, sweet friends.)

I do know for certain that I'm NOT that girl anymore.  While I may not know exactly what comes next, I have a much stronger sense of self now.  I believe in myself. I know what I want and I know what I need. I don't make excuses for that.  It isn't wrong.  I am not wrong.  Like anyone, I have things I can improve on and get better at.  But I am no longer the person who feels worthless and believes she is somehow lacking.  I have found my power.  It was there inside of ME the entire time.

What comes next?  I don't know. But every day, I will walk in the truth of who I am.  That means some people will stay with me and others may choose not to.  That is natural and is part of life.

The only plan I have is to walk forward, be truly myself, live in a way that honors my truth and my passion and to do that without purposely harming anyone. I will live deliberately.  Thanks HDT for that one.

Peace to you all.