This is a rather personal blog entry about the last 15 months of my life. I'm stating that up front, and yes, I am choosing to share it on purpose. There is no one that will be harmed by it because there is no newly revealed information. I think it's important, because someone else might be going through it too.
Ok, it's not a poem. It's really a musing. Ha - actually it IS amusing also. Sometimes. I have to be honest, I am really teetering on the edge here. Of what?
Well, of this 15 month journey. I spent more years than I care to admit in a TV and work filled daze, stuffing my mind with empty, stupid programming and ideas and my face with whatever was in front of me. I really didn't look past the end of my own nose as far as the world, how I fit, or what I believed.
And yeah, I am lucky to have some of the best friends a person could ask for. They'll look at that paragraph and start telling me that's not true. But, that 's what it felt like to me.
15 months ago I realized I needed to do something. A combination of discussions with friends, a few amazing books, some music, and an endless, ceaseless unease - these things combined and I realized that I was numb and I didn't like it.
Over the past 15 months, I've spent time excavating. Pandora's Box - I opened it and everything flew out. I didn't leave any stone un-turned. (Funny again - Stone is my maiden name) I looked at health, career, friendship, spirituality, marriage, sexuality, politics....you name it. Over and over, I realized, that when I truly examined my heart I was not the person I'd been playing at being all those years.
I'm not conservative. I'm not republican. I've come to realize I'm not even christian anymore. I question things - everything. I DON'T need all this ....stuff....this shit we surround ourselves with. I believe that self sacrifice is beautiful but NOT when one person's entire being is denied in the process, and not when the sacrifice causes harm. In other words, falling on the sword is an empty gesture if you are enabling weakness or entitlement on the part of the receiver. I don't believe anyone, of any age, rank or position just "deserves" respect. I believe we, each of us, has to get up every day and EARN that. I could go on and on. I won't.
So, after going from mom & dad's house to "our house" in a marriage and moving in relatively small circles, with little exposure to different ideas, I decided to change the channel. I thought, OK - we tried closed. Let's try OPEN.
OMIGOODNESS. Can I just say this last 15 months has been a roller coaster ride? OK, some of you are reading this and saying "she's pathetic" or "nobody's that sheltered". You can make fun of me if you want to. Some already have. It's OK. My closest friends have seen all of it and can attest to the truth of it.
I really started to....just put myself out there. I started writing poetry again for the first time in more than 10 years, and began blogging. I talked to people I never had. I considered ideas I would have shunned before. I did things that would have intimidated me before. I don't want to shuffle sedately through my life, I want to LIVE IT.
And the people? Oh, you're all so beautiful. When you gravitate toward only things and people you are comfortable with, you are never exposed to anything new. In opening up and talking to so many different people, I have discovered new music, authors, and ideas. I've been reminded of how endless and heart-stoppingly beautiful our universe is and how perfectly, mathematically astounding it is! I have found courage to try new things and ideas - like a planned change in career for 2013. I want to work in support of the arts in any and all their forms. My own artistic talent is limited, but by providing needed services to those who do bless us with the truth through their art, I can help ensure the arts keep enriching everyone's lives.
So, maybe life DOESN'T have to be a hamster wheel. Maybe it can feel fantastic. Maybe we can wake up every day, totally psyched for the day.
I know, I need to firm up something much more specific than that but even believing it is possible would never have happened before.All I know is it needs to support the arts, and it needs to leave me enough time and energy to reach out, to help others. There's so much that needs doing out there, so many in need of help. Meanwhile, millions of us waste away in cubicles doing meaningless work instead of being out there with our fellow human beings! Like I said I have no idea what this will look like. But it HAS to be different than before. It has to. We're doing it wrong.
What can I compare this to? You're probably already laughing, calling me crazy. Why is she always over-sharing? Go ahead. It won't be the first time. But, I'll tell you anyway - it's sort of like walking around blindfolded and suddenly having it removed. I can't get over the wonder of each new day. I'm sorry if that sounds crazy to you. It's how I feel. It's just that I had never before FELT like this...the thought that the entire world really IS out there and maybe you CAN do this in a way that makes you joyful every day.....THAT'S what all this sharing came from. I'm not just stuck on myself, it was just that as the old and the new clashed and I saw and felt everything I needed a place to put it. Hence, the blog.
It took a long time to dig out and discard all the crap, and decide what is to be kept. That's what 2012 was for. 2013 is for action steps, baby ones and big ones that build "the beautiful thing."
I also have some crazy amazing friends, both in RL and online. Several of you have been there through everything and anything I came up with this year. Because of you I am standing here today, ready for a new year and excited about life. Because of you, I know what the word grace means.I look up to you, each of you, you have taught me much about life, love, friendship and personal courage. I love you so much.
While I was putting myself out there this year, I know I made some messes. I confused some of you. I hurt some people. I was so.....self-absorbed....because it was all new to me....that I lost sight of just about everything else. At times, I know that I was thoughtless, just focused on the moment and not on the other people that were walking around with me, both in RL and online. I want to say I am sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt this year during my journey with my thoughtless behavior. You also have taught me. You have shown me what I do not want to be. I am sorry and I will walk the lessons you've shown me.
Some will say this was too personal to share. I have shared as a record of what has happened to me, and also for anyone else trying to survive and triumph through a period of great change. We CAN do this.
Thank you for all who stop by and read me.
Love to all,
Beth
Monday
January 7, 2013
No comments:
Post a Comment