You get to a point in your life where you're comfortable in your own skin. You're aware of your past mistakes and successes and you can comfortably own both and the lessons that came with them. You outgrow other people's opinions. You can respect that everyone is on a different path, and you no longer expect them to be anywhere and anyone except who and where they are right now, and you rejoice in that and love them exactly that way. Then, you discover that you can love yourself that way too. You know for YOU what your path is, and who and what you're called to be. No one else has to do it, no one else has to agree. You're just happy for them to be where they are now, because that's their path, and this one is yours. They don't have to like it or be comfortable with it. You realize that you're no longer willing to compromise who you are. It's not militant. It's not crazy. It's simply following your own road. You have compassion, love and gratitude for everyone around you. It's just that you realize that you're going to live unapologetically as yourself, fully yourself with no excuses or explanations. It's odd the things that happen when this time comes to you, because you truly start to realize that there are simply parts of your life that don't fit. Habits, ideas, situations, people, whatever it may be. You start to automatically "find your tribe" without any effort, and you find yourself gravititating toward these beautiful, bright souls as you all walk, talk, love and work through this beautiful world every day.
That's where I am now. Some of you are OK with it. Some of you aren't. And that's OK. I love you all either way. Each person I have known has been a gift in my life, without exception.
But each of us has our own journey. And mine? Mine has been and will continue to be beautiful, I have much to be grateful for. My journey continues, and I'll be true to myself and my path.
You're at the home of Blue Stone Poet. Grab a cup of Earl Grey and pull up a chair. Welcome!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
Forest Lessons
Yesterday, I threw on jeans and a hoodie, stuffed my hair under a slouchy hat and took off for the afternoon. I found place fairly locally which I hadn't realized was there. It has some really gorgeous trails to walk. In all, I spent just over 2 1/2 hours out in the woods.
The trails at Cormer Woods in Uxbridge, MA aren't long, wide roads with gravel, rocks or sand. These are actual trails, marked by colored blazes on the trees at intervals and with enough travel to have a subtle feel for the trail, but with the fallen leaves it's very easy between blazes to lose the trail, especially if you're me and everything catches your eye!
The temperature was a blustery 51 degrees, just cool enough to be a perfect fall day for hiking but not so cold that I was uncomfortable. I was glad of the slouchy hat, though with the wind yesterday.
I love the solitude of a walk in the woods. This place was completely new to me, and so unlike my antics with areas I frequent constantly, I made a concerted effort to STAY on the trails. When you're hiking alone you have to follow some safety rules and I always tell people where I am going. plan plenty of daylight time for the hike, bring my phone with me, and stay on the trails if I don't know the area extremely well.
The foliage yesterday was gorgeous, so I was snapping pictures some of the time. I'm always overcome with the beauty of nature when I'm out there by myself. I never really feel as if I am alone though, but that's a subject for another blog entry. Cormier Woods is really a strikingly beautiful place, and I was enchanted as I walked the trails, enjoying everything from the colored leaves to huge rock formations, the changing plant life as it gets colder, birds, and much more.
I really do love these times. Me, the forest and nothing else. Eventually, your day to day thoughts fall away and it can become almost a walking meditation. You're truly just one with the place, and with your own soul. Who says witches don't go to church?
At one point on the "blue blaze" part of the trail, when I'd been out there a little over 90 minutes, I did get a bit lost. I never left the trail but the blue blazes on the trees, coupled with the "private property beyond this point" signs were a bit confusing and I found myself coming back to the same spot, a second and third time, apparently making a confused loop, but via different routes. I also almost lost the trail a few times, as the blazes were far apart and there were so many fallen leaves.
I discovered something at this point. The trail, my "path" if you will, was ALWAYS there. At times it was very obvious and easy for me to pick up, and I could clearly tell where I should be walking next. At other times, the signs that I was on the trail were much more subtle, but they were STILL THERE. It was all about me quieting myself enough to read those signs, and follow my intuition. Each time I almost got off track or became confused, choosing to stop, and calmly evaluate, checking the visible signs and my own intuition always put me back where I needed to be for that next step. The path was always there.
During the time that I looped around three times, I found myself getting mildly panicked at one point. I mean, I was on the marked trail, but I had also looped around to the same spot 3 times. How had I managed that!? I started getting angry at myself and at the Universe in general and a bit concerned because it was after 4 at this point and I wanted to be back to the car by 4:30.
At this point, I just stopped. I calmed myself, and reminded myself that I get to choose the direction of my thoughts. I took the time to breathe in and out and focused on the fact that I am always well taken care of. In addition to the usual precautions mentioned earlier and the comfort of knowing my fully charged cell phone was in my pocket, I had also taken Archangel Michael out on my walk with me. Say what you will, but I rarely do anything without Michael, and his protection is flawless. I felt peaceful.
This allowed me to evaluate, to think through how I had gotten looped around, and to to decide which direction to go in next. By doing this, I easily found the correct path to where I needed to go. As I rounded out the end of the "blue blaze" trail and reconnected with the "red blaze" trail which would eventually bring me back to the parking area, I realized that peace isn't dependent on my circumstances or surroundings. I can choose it, in any and every moment.
At this point, I was at about the 2 hour mark. The terrain at the end of the red blaze trail included some steep inclines. I did somewhat expect this, since I remembered on the way in, the trail definitely was going downhill a lot. So the climb back up was just that in some spots, a CLIMB. I was getting winded, my slouchy hat felt hot and I was sweating like crazy. My legs were getting one hell of a workout! I wanted to find a rock or a fallen tree and just sit but something inside made me want to keep going and do this, with no quitting. I kept telling myself, just keep moving! It was actually kind of fun to challenge myself, despite the fact that my muscles AND bones were very much in "What the hell are we doing?!" mode. As I kept climbing and sweating, the thought came to me that when something is worth it, you keep working even if you're tired and even when it seems like at some points, it's all uphill. I laughed outloud at yet another life metaphor being a part of my day.
After a while, I saw a sign saying "Parking Area" with an arrow. By this point, I was walking slowly, making a point of mindfully placing my feet on the trail because I was at the "trip over nothing because my legs are tired" stage. As the trail ended and I saw my little red car, I put my hands up in the air and let out a "Whooohooo!" I was very glad to reach the car and sit and cool down and even more glad that I'd made the hike. I took a moment to thank the forest and all who lived there for allowing me to come to their home and being a part of my beautiful day.
As my body cooled down and my protesting leg muscles, feet and ankles made the adjustment to being seated, I found myself thinking back on my 2 1/2 hour hike. There was actually NO TIME on the hike when I didn't have everything I needed in order to make it a great hike and successfully get back to my car in the time I'd designated. I truly did have every resource I needed at every moment of that hike. There were times when I lost sight of that and got frustrated, angry and a little scared. But when you're alone with your own soul and the Universe you can either remain disconnected or plug in. If you plug in, you realize in quieting yourself and trusting yourself and that Connection, that you do have absolutely EVERYTHING you need - in every single moment.
I smiled again, thinking of what an amazing day it was and how so often I gain such clarity during these times alone out in nature. I'll be back again to the wild places, as often as possible. It feeds my soul. What a perfect day, I am so very grateful for it!
The trails at Cormer Woods in Uxbridge, MA aren't long, wide roads with gravel, rocks or sand. These are actual trails, marked by colored blazes on the trees at intervals and with enough travel to have a subtle feel for the trail, but with the fallen leaves it's very easy between blazes to lose the trail, especially if you're me and everything catches your eye!
The temperature was a blustery 51 degrees, just cool enough to be a perfect fall day for hiking but not so cold that I was uncomfortable. I was glad of the slouchy hat, though with the wind yesterday.
I love the solitude of a walk in the woods. This place was completely new to me, and so unlike my antics with areas I frequent constantly, I made a concerted effort to STAY on the trails. When you're hiking alone you have to follow some safety rules and I always tell people where I am going. plan plenty of daylight time for the hike, bring my phone with me, and stay on the trails if I don't know the area extremely well.
The foliage yesterday was gorgeous, so I was snapping pictures some of the time. I'm always overcome with the beauty of nature when I'm out there by myself. I never really feel as if I am alone though, but that's a subject for another blog entry. Cormier Woods is really a strikingly beautiful place, and I was enchanted as I walked the trails, enjoying everything from the colored leaves to huge rock formations, the changing plant life as it gets colder, birds, and much more.
I really do love these times. Me, the forest and nothing else. Eventually, your day to day thoughts fall away and it can become almost a walking meditation. You're truly just one with the place, and with your own soul. Who says witches don't go to church?
At one point on the "blue blaze" part of the trail, when I'd been out there a little over 90 minutes, I did get a bit lost. I never left the trail but the blue blazes on the trees, coupled with the "private property beyond this point" signs were a bit confusing and I found myself coming back to the same spot, a second and third time, apparently making a confused loop, but via different routes. I also almost lost the trail a few times, as the blazes were far apart and there were so many fallen leaves.
I discovered something at this point. The trail, my "path" if you will, was ALWAYS there. At times it was very obvious and easy for me to pick up, and I could clearly tell where I should be walking next. At other times, the signs that I was on the trail were much more subtle, but they were STILL THERE. It was all about me quieting myself enough to read those signs, and follow my intuition. Each time I almost got off track or became confused, choosing to stop, and calmly evaluate, checking the visible signs and my own intuition always put me back where I needed to be for that next step. The path was always there.
During the time that I looped around three times, I found myself getting mildly panicked at one point. I mean, I was on the marked trail, but I had also looped around to the same spot 3 times. How had I managed that!? I started getting angry at myself and at the Universe in general and a bit concerned because it was after 4 at this point and I wanted to be back to the car by 4:30.
At this point, I just stopped. I calmed myself, and reminded myself that I get to choose the direction of my thoughts. I took the time to breathe in and out and focused on the fact that I am always well taken care of. In addition to the usual precautions mentioned earlier and the comfort of knowing my fully charged cell phone was in my pocket, I had also taken Archangel Michael out on my walk with me. Say what you will, but I rarely do anything without Michael, and his protection is flawless. I felt peaceful.
This allowed me to evaluate, to think through how I had gotten looped around, and to to decide which direction to go in next. By doing this, I easily found the correct path to where I needed to go. As I rounded out the end of the "blue blaze" trail and reconnected with the "red blaze" trail which would eventually bring me back to the parking area, I realized that peace isn't dependent on my circumstances or surroundings. I can choose it, in any and every moment.
At this point, I was at about the 2 hour mark. The terrain at the end of the red blaze trail included some steep inclines. I did somewhat expect this, since I remembered on the way in, the trail definitely was going downhill a lot. So the climb back up was just that in some spots, a CLIMB. I was getting winded, my slouchy hat felt hot and I was sweating like crazy. My legs were getting one hell of a workout! I wanted to find a rock or a fallen tree and just sit but something inside made me want to keep going and do this, with no quitting. I kept telling myself, just keep moving! It was actually kind of fun to challenge myself, despite the fact that my muscles AND bones were very much in "What the hell are we doing?!" mode. As I kept climbing and sweating, the thought came to me that when something is worth it, you keep working even if you're tired and even when it seems like at some points, it's all uphill. I laughed outloud at yet another life metaphor being a part of my day.
After a while, I saw a sign saying "Parking Area" with an arrow. By this point, I was walking slowly, making a point of mindfully placing my feet on the trail because I was at the "trip over nothing because my legs are tired" stage. As the trail ended and I saw my little red car, I put my hands up in the air and let out a "Whooohooo!" I was very glad to reach the car and sit and cool down and even more glad that I'd made the hike. I took a moment to thank the forest and all who lived there for allowing me to come to their home and being a part of my beautiful day.
As my body cooled down and my protesting leg muscles, feet and ankles made the adjustment to being seated, I found myself thinking back on my 2 1/2 hour hike. There was actually NO TIME on the hike when I didn't have everything I needed in order to make it a great hike and successfully get back to my car in the time I'd designated. I truly did have every resource I needed at every moment of that hike. There were times when I lost sight of that and got frustrated, angry and a little scared. But when you're alone with your own soul and the Universe you can either remain disconnected or plug in. If you plug in, you realize in quieting yourself and trusting yourself and that Connection, that you do have absolutely EVERYTHING you need - in every single moment.
I smiled again, thinking of what an amazing day it was and how so often I gain such clarity during these times alone out in nature. I'll be back again to the wild places, as often as possible. It feeds my soul. What a perfect day, I am so very grateful for it!
Friday, October 17, 2014
The Knight And The Dreamer (for pK)
Once upon a time
A knight and a dreamer
Met upon the road
The knight of course
Was brave and true of heart
Honor and Duty
His sacred vows
The dreamer
Head in the clouds
Gazed upon flowers and blue skies
And had a poet's heart
The journey to the next town was long
And so they talked as they walked along
The knight of his hopes
And the dreamer of making it real
They talked and laughed
They sang songs
And helped each other along the road
Their souls were kindred and it was good
After many days of walking
They came upon a fork in the road
Which choice to make?
They stood, uncertain
The signpost was clear
One road, to the town and safety
The other, to a place unknown
Where hopes become truth and dreams become reality
In the end, they went to the town
The knight, because honor dictated it be so
And the dreamer, out of fear
And so they walked on
Their choices weighed heavily on them
And so, although they both continued on
They were no longer kindred
And so their journey together was done
At times each would think back
To those days upon the road together
And each wanted to blame the other
But they knew the truth, each must own their own choices
So they held the joy of the remembered journey
In their hearts
And never forgot the lessons learned
The day they took the safe road
As the years went by
The knight came to understand
At times integrity to self and to love and truth
Must trump even honor
And the dreamer learned
That pretty visions
Can only become real
With risks taken and work done
The most important lesson of all, though
Was to cherish the gift of each and every soul met upon the road
We know not the number of days
That we shall have the joy of walking together
A knight and a dreamer
Met upon the road
The knight of course
Was brave and true of heart
Honor and Duty
His sacred vows
The dreamer
Head in the clouds
Gazed upon flowers and blue skies
And had a poet's heart
The journey to the next town was long
And so they talked as they walked along
The knight of his hopes
And the dreamer of making it real
They talked and laughed
They sang songs
And helped each other along the road
Their souls were kindred and it was good
After many days of walking
They came upon a fork in the road
Which choice to make?
They stood, uncertain
The signpost was clear
One road, to the town and safety
The other, to a place unknown
Where hopes become truth and dreams become reality
In the end, they went to the town
The knight, because honor dictated it be so
And the dreamer, out of fear
And so they walked on
Their choices weighed heavily on them
And so, although they both continued on
They were no longer kindred
And so their journey together was done
At times each would think back
To those days upon the road together
And each wanted to blame the other
But they knew the truth, each must own their own choices
So they held the joy of the remembered journey
In their hearts
And never forgot the lessons learned
The day they took the safe road
As the years went by
The knight came to understand
At times integrity to self and to love and truth
Must trump even honor
And the dreamer learned
That pretty visions
Can only become real
With risks taken and work done
The most important lesson of all, though
Was to cherish the gift of each and every soul met upon the road
We know not the number of days
That we shall have the joy of walking together
Monday, October 13, 2014
Foggy
A single drop
Travels the length of the mirror
Revealing one thin stripe of me
The rest, obscured in fog
Maybe tears are like that
Whether they be sorrow filled
Or tears of joy
People spill over
When we've kept the walls up too long
The river revealing our tender hearts
Travels the length of the mirror
Revealing one thin stripe of me
The rest, obscured in fog
Maybe tears are like that
Whether they be sorrow filled
Or tears of joy
People spill over
When we've kept the walls up too long
The river revealing our tender hearts
Monday, September 29, 2014
Choosing
Called to find peace
In the midst of chaos
Called to find joy
When the evidence tells you to panic
Called to trust your path
When transition brings only questions
Stopping to go within, finding quiet
Despite the clock saying no
Knowing you are never alone
No matter what is happening
Deciding not to be shaken
In any circumstances
Standing firm in your personal power
Knowing who and what you are
All moments fulfilled in the now
As we live, love and move
We are
Each and all
Loved
Cherished
Connected
Who we are
What we do
It matters
And it creates
We create, we are
Choosing peace
When everything tells you it's impossible
You are the architect
With the greatest team standing by you
Choose your day
Choose your reactions
Choose your thoughts
Or they'll choose for you
In the midst of chaos
Called to find joy
When the evidence tells you to panic
Called to trust your path
When transition brings only questions
Stopping to go within, finding quiet
Despite the clock saying no
Knowing you are never alone
No matter what is happening
Deciding not to be shaken
In any circumstances
Standing firm in your personal power
Knowing who and what you are
All moments fulfilled in the now
As we live, love and move
We are
Each and all
Loved
Cherished
Connected
Who we are
What we do
It matters
And it creates
We create, we are
Choosing peace
When everything tells you it's impossible
You are the architect
With the greatest team standing by you
Choose your day
Choose your reactions
Choose your thoughts
Or they'll choose for you
Friday, September 12, 2014
Incomplete
Your life was incomplete
So you took pieces of mine
Tearing off chunks, oblivious to the pain you caused
Because you didn't think you had a voice
To speak your truth
Although I saw it in your eyes
In unguarded moments
You'd let it slip when we were alone
And you could let a little of the pretense go
Because you knew....that I knew
You gave your faith to my little one
And then when you quit
His faith went with you
Not for one moment since
Has he been the same
Understand this
I've walked some of the same roads you did
I have compassion and I have forgiven
But your life has informed mine in some ways
Ways that I don't want to be
I will never let my voice be silenced
I will never quit
They are not so little now, the two of them
By walking my path
With truth and integrity
I hope I can shed a little light for them both
If they can know
That their voice must be heard
To be true to themselves
And that love CAN be counted on
Then I'll have done everything that I can
We don't have to stay
Incomplete
So you took pieces of mine
Tearing off chunks, oblivious to the pain you caused
Because you didn't think you had a voice
To speak your truth
Although I saw it in your eyes
In unguarded moments
You'd let it slip when we were alone
And you could let a little of the pretense go
Because you knew....that I knew
You gave your faith to my little one
And then when you quit
His faith went with you
Not for one moment since
Has he been the same
Understand this
I've walked some of the same roads you did
I have compassion and I have forgiven
But your life has informed mine in some ways
Ways that I don't want to be
I will never let my voice be silenced
I will never quit
They are not so little now, the two of them
By walking my path
With truth and integrity
I hope I can shed a little light for them both
If they can know
That their voice must be heard
To be true to themselves
And that love CAN be counted on
Then I'll have done everything that I can
We don't have to stay
Incomplete
Thursday, September 11, 2014
What If?
Fear whispers in our ears, sits on our shoulders
Insists that we aren't safe
So often, life has shown us that we're not!
And so fear grips us, in cold icy claws
At times expected, other times a surprise
Making us relive the past and running the show
Expectations dashed
We see only one way, the one that the perfect picture in our head showed us
And when it doesn't happen, we grow angry and resentful
That helps us to justify judging each other
Natural impulses, beautiful life force, thwarted by high walls
We get comfortable, letting the control that slowly kills
Tie us to the bed and mind fuck us
Instead of making love to life
What would happen, do you think?
If instead of being threatened by everything
What if we faced it?
When someone points out the apparent stupidity of a choice we've made
And the evidence of the ensuing mess and emotional fallout
What if we just faced it head on
And said, "Yes. That was me. I did the best I could at the time, but I fell."
What if we took the lesson and let the tears fall?
On the days that you wake up
And you're like Jane Jetson, the mask just keeps falling off
You're raw and you can't hide, what if maybe we just allowed the raw
Hey, we could even accept that emotional road rash
And stop beating ourselves up for feeling it
Because it transforms your heart in ways you could never know
The days when your soul is bubbling over with joy and love
And you think you're going to burst if you don't DO SOMETHING with it
But all the conventions, shoulds and past experience
They're all up in your head, killjoys, saying calm down
What if we actually ignored them
Let's act on impulse and create something
Whether it's a song, a painting, a poem, a meal, a kiss.....
Let's DO. Can we?
Life is messy
There will always be mistakes made and lots of opportunities to face them
Those who disagree with you will be a part of life anywhere you go
So what if we just decide to fucking live?
What if we create, kiss, take risks?
What if we roll with the unexpected and the beauty in what we don't plan?
What if we reach out to those gripped in fear, and help them be warm and loved?
What if we try to understand what makes us angry and afraid?
What if we sit with those in deep pain, not asking them to "feel better soon" but just being there?
What if attack and defense wasn't our first impulse?
What if we forgive?
What if we realized comfortable isn't always our friend?
What if we stop running from what hurts and let it wash over us and be set free in acceptance?
What if we paint, write songs and plaster horrible poetry all over the internet?
What if it didn't matter what people said or thought?
What if your very best life path means lots of people won't understand at all but it's what makes you really alive?
What if indeed.
We've let fear run the show for so long.
Let's find out what if. Wanna come along?
Insists that we aren't safe
So often, life has shown us that we're not!
And so fear grips us, in cold icy claws
At times expected, other times a surprise
Making us relive the past and running the show
Expectations dashed
We see only one way, the one that the perfect picture in our head showed us
And when it doesn't happen, we grow angry and resentful
That helps us to justify judging each other
Natural impulses, beautiful life force, thwarted by high walls
We get comfortable, letting the control that slowly kills
Tie us to the bed and mind fuck us
Instead of making love to life
What would happen, do you think?
If instead of being threatened by everything
What if we faced it?
When someone points out the apparent stupidity of a choice we've made
And the evidence of the ensuing mess and emotional fallout
What if we just faced it head on
And said, "Yes. That was me. I did the best I could at the time, but I fell."
What if we took the lesson and let the tears fall?
On the days that you wake up
And you're like Jane Jetson, the mask just keeps falling off
You're raw and you can't hide, what if maybe we just allowed the raw
Hey, we could even accept that emotional road rash
And stop beating ourselves up for feeling it
Because it transforms your heart in ways you could never know
The days when your soul is bubbling over with joy and love
And you think you're going to burst if you don't DO SOMETHING with it
But all the conventions, shoulds and past experience
They're all up in your head, killjoys, saying calm down
What if we actually ignored them
Let's act on impulse and create something
Whether it's a song, a painting, a poem, a meal, a kiss.....
Let's DO. Can we?
Life is messy
There will always be mistakes made and lots of opportunities to face them
Those who disagree with you will be a part of life anywhere you go
So what if we just decide to fucking live?
What if we create, kiss, take risks?
What if we roll with the unexpected and the beauty in what we don't plan?
What if we reach out to those gripped in fear, and help them be warm and loved?
What if we try to understand what makes us angry and afraid?
What if we sit with those in deep pain, not asking them to "feel better soon" but just being there?
What if attack and defense wasn't our first impulse?
What if we forgive?
What if we realized comfortable isn't always our friend?
What if we stop running from what hurts and let it wash over us and be set free in acceptance?
What if we paint, write songs and plaster horrible poetry all over the internet?
What if it didn't matter what people said or thought?
What if your very best life path means lots of people won't understand at all but it's what makes you really alive?
What if indeed.
We've let fear run the show for so long.
Let's find out what if. Wanna come along?
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Gratitude
I really found myself in a place of gratitude today. How often do we have the chance to let people know what they have meant to us? Do we need to have a special occasion? I'm going to say NO. I think we can let people know all the time how we feel. Everyday people, and the small and big things they do, really make a difference.
Here goes! No particular order here.
This is inevitably "too mushy" for some people. That's OK, you don't have to read it. No agenda here, just want to share my thanks. This is me. People matter and I like telling them. There are so many more people that I haven't named, and I appreciate all of you.
Here goes! No particular order here.
For my Dad. I miss you! You fought crippling arthritis, you fought to keep us clothed and fed, and you fought your demons. Your warped sense of humor, your love for mom, and the heroic way you never gave up are always with me.
For my Mom. Little Vivvie! Your endless energy, the way you fight for what you believe in, that endless reservoir of strength no matter what is going on, and the way we can be silly together inspire me so much. If I'm half the person you have been, I'll have done well.
My brother Brad - thank you for teaching me about never believing in "Can't" no matter what the odds are and for showing me the true meaning of grace.
Nicole - I'm almost 50 years old and you have been in my life for over 40 of those years. Our friendship has survived geographic separation, peer pressure and every possible life event we could each have faced. You are a member of my family. I hope we are friends for 50 more years! I am so grateful for you in my life. (And thank you to Bob and Cheryl for being the most awesome set of second parents ever - I probably ate at your house as often as I ate at mine!)
Becky - my partner in crime, my sounding board and the one who has walked with me during the last 3 years of insanity since "Joe Perry Weekend". Thank you for your friendship and for showing me the lesson of "not doing anything half-assed."
For Cindy and Anil: Cindy, I love you dearly and I thank you for the friendship, the understanding and the forgiveness when we somehow grew apart. Thank you both for reaching out to Robert and I last summer, that meant a lot. You and your sweet hubby are dear to me and I am glad to have you in my life despite not seeing you as often as I used to.
For Robert: 29 years! You've stood strong and survived everything that has hit you over the years, including Hurricane Beth. Your grace under pressure, the way you fought Cancer, and the way you handled recovery were no surprise to me. We've been up, down, sideways, inside out and upside-down. People are crazy about you because of the fun, loyal person you are. I get that. Thank you for being my best friend.
Josh - Thank you for questioning everything, including me. Thank you for your thirst for the truth, even when it is difficult to face. Thank you for not giving me a break when I need to hear that I handled something poorly. Thank you for endless philosophical discussions. Thank you for being a music fanatic and sharing that with me. Thank you for hug therapy. Thank you for accepting my crazy.
Patrick - Thank you for your beautiful heart and for using it to remind me when I'm not seeing people with the love and compassion that I should. Thank you for your view of the world. Thank you for your incredible love for animals that inspires me and reminds me of how I need to treat the other creatures we share this world with. Thank you for the "band" years. I think I had as much fun as you did, I absolutely loved every minute of watching you and your friends and helping out. Thank you for that killer, dry sense of humor that knocks us all over.
To every single one of our sons friends, especially Dave, Nate, Chris and Ted - each of you are members of our family and you are welcome in our house anytime! Josh and Pat have good people in their lives, gotta say.
For Glenn Stewart - thank you my beautiful friend for the glimpse into putting everything, heart and soul into a dream, overcoming obstacles, the necessity of taking risks and most of all never denying who you are. I'm so glad to know you!
Thank you to all of my kick-ass co-workers who all work so hard, I enjoy working with all of you. Thank you to Brian, David, Sarah, Pete and Didia for excellence and grace under pressure while still being you. Very cool working with you guys!
For Oceana - I think we've known each other less than a year. You certainly make an impression! We Goddesses gotta stick together, thank you my awesome friend!
Now, I need to show some gratitude to my on line friends, who may not be face to face but mean a lot!
Thank you to my dearest friend Chew for the gift of seeing myself and my life differently. You may not realize the scope and gravity of the gift you gave, but I do and it needed to be said. Thank you.
Thank you Monika for putting up with me last year and for the friendship and reading my endless emails!
For friends lost but forever in my heart: Thank you Tron for giving me back the gift of wonder, even in the face of pain and sadness. I'll never see this pale blue dot the same way, and I'll always love you for giving that back to me when it was lost. Thank you to pK for showing me what not giving up and working your ass off for a dream look like and for being an example of heart and integrity. I'll always believe in you and your music.
For my friend Kev (Atomic Honey). First of all, thank you over and over for the love and energy you share with everyone on a day to day basis. It makes a HUGE DIFFERENCE. Thank you for helping me to believe that it's OK to be me, without hiding it and that maybe, just MAYBE that's how I can make a difference every day.
For Suzanne: Thank you for the friendship and sharing my love for music, especially all things Myles Kennedy!
For "Verble" Thank you for sharing the beautiful person that you are. I had fun writing "Fanger" with you and Monika. We need to DO something with that! Thanks for sharing the daily music tweets, I love them!
For "Verble" Thank you for sharing the beautiful person that you are. I had fun writing "Fanger" with you and Monika. We need to DO something with that! Thanks for sharing the daily music tweets, I love them!
For Leo: YOU ARE AWESOME! Thank you for your positive attitude, the way you encourage others and for the way you try to wake people up to what they may not be aware of. Many tough days have been made brighter with your encouragement. Thank you!
For my sweet friend Fabi - one of my first Twitter friends - You have been so sweet and encouraging and always wishing the very best for me and all that I love. Thank you for being one of my very first Twitter friends and for sticking around!
For Philip: There is much I could say my clever, funny friend but I will simply say thank you for a friendship that revels in enjoying life and seeing others happy. You can't ever leave Twitter!
For Charles Bivona - Thank you for being a working poet. Thank you for giving a shit. When I read you I realize there is much I don't know, but this is good. It keeps me digging, keeps me questioning, keeps me thirsty to learn, helps keep me immersed in and caring about life. Don't ever quit, Charles.
For my friend Bradley Howington - thank you for sharing your soul, in your poetry and photography and as a friend.
For my twitter coven - you know who you are. I miss you guys like crazy. Thanks for helping me feel accepted when I started this path.
For my twitter coven - you know who you are. I miss you guys like crazy. Thanks for helping me feel accepted when I started this path.
There are dozens of people I interact with regularly on line who I am grateful for. JDubqca, Pappy, IDroneHD, Alan J....Foggy, Karen, Cliff, Carla, and many more. I appreciate every one of you whether I have called you out by name or not. It's kinda nice to have this many people to have coffee with every morning.
Thanks for listening.
Love,
Beth
Thanks for listening.
Love,
Beth
Thursday, August 28, 2014
On Being Unquivocally Myself or "Shit I Used To Worry About"
There used to be a very long list of things I was worried about. It was truly a long, long list, much of which was based around my fears of what others thought of me. As time goes on, I've come to understand that to truly live, I have to love myself. When I love myself and structure my life around what I'm drawn to, what I am excited about and feel joy doing, then I'm happier and have so much more to give to those around me.
And so, today, I will emancipate myself from all of the stupid things I formerly worried about. Below, you will find a list of things I will no longer give any of my energy to. I know who I am and I'm fully aware of my successes and failures. I accept and love all of it. I live from my integrity every day and it's time for me to stop acting like I need to apologize for who I am. And so, this list below of completely idiotic worries/thoughts is now being thrown out with the trash. I wonder - WHAT IS YOUR LIST? I'd love it if everyone made a list of limiting thoughts and we all threw them out together! Anyway, here's mine:
If you wear something slightly form fitting or revealing, you're trying too hard.
If you keep your long hair as you approach 50, it's not a style befitting your age.
Aren't you approaching the stage of the game where gals revert to "mom jeans"?
If you star, retweet or share a beautiful poem, tweet or FB post that mentions seduction or sex, you must be slutting it up on the side, or you have a "twitter crush" or you are "subtweeting."
You should stay "in the broom closet" about being a witch, some people won't understand.
Some people just aren't ready for the person you've become, so you should water yourself down a bit for these people, to avoid conflict.
If you're nice to a someone, you're automatically flirting.
You can't write in your blog about certain subject matter, it makes people uncomfortable, tame it down.
Never be seen in your bathing suit, because your body isn't perfect.
Only bad can come of challenging the way things are.
Women who think, write or speak openly and honestly about sex are sluts.
Once you've made a mistake, just be quiet and stop trying, clearly you're a mess.
You should stop coming up with so many outlandish ideas. It makes you seem odd, and gives people the impression you don't finish anything, since there are always so many of them.
Keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. It's easier to just go with the flow.
Only the young and trim are beautiful and sexy.
You'll never accomplish anything substantial.
You should be more like......
Nothing in this world can ever change, what can one person do?
Well, that's MY list. Now, what's yours? Let's burn 'em all!!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Pincushion Ramblings
So, what's this all about? Just a string of random thoughts.
When I get acupuncture, after the needles are placed, there's a time where I just simply relax, until it's time for them to be removed. I absolutely love this time. You can't really go very far with a bunch needles coming out of you at various angles, so you almost HAVE TO relax. So, I figure, why fight it? This is my time.
Sometimes I meditate, sometimes I drift off to sleep, think, or look at the patterns in the wooden beams on the ceiling. That last choice can be kind of trippy, but I digress. Today, I just let whatever came to mind just flow out. This is a little of it, or at least the part before it became incoherent and I fell asleep. Hell, maybe you'll think the entire thing is incoherent.
I found myself looking back at events in my own life, and reflecting on things that have happened to family, friends and loved ones. I couldn't help but notice a pattern - how very often we put ourselves in a position of being sad or upset because we want things to be one way and they are not. The fear, the despair, the anger, blaming, bitterness, sadness and the giving up times are all examples of the hell we put ourselves through.
We expect people to know what we have never said and maybe never even shown, we think "they should know!" Actually, no, they shouldn't "just know". Yes, they more than likely do want to speak or act, but they're scared. We rarely see that. We only know our own expectations, and so fed by pride and fear, we can't let ourselves reach out, either. So, people just sit there, with all this crap between them, preventing a true human connection when all they really want is to step into the warmth of loving acceptance.
Yeah, expectations. They really can suck the life out of you. I'm not advocating a fake happiness where we all pretend we're thrilled with life when we aren't. There are times to "go" when taking action is key, and there are times to "flow", times when surrendering to the current brings us to new places, people, situations, and realizations. I find "go" vs "flow" to be an ongoing lesson, it's not easy for me. I'd much rather control things, and I suspect I'm not alone in that.
We feel more comfortable when we can control things. So we set rigid parameters, and build our expectations around them. This takes all of the responsibility off of us and puts it on the people and situations we encounter. This is convenient so that we can blame them later when things don't work out. And so we put our rules out there:
I can only be happy in my work if it's this type of job or situation.
If this person truly loves me, they will know to do this and this and that.
Mr. or Ms. Right has to be exactly like this.
This vacation is only fun if it goes exactly according to plan.
I work hard and I'm a good person. This kind of bad shit shouldn't happen to me.
Success can only look exactly as I have pictured it.
I can only be friends with certain types of people.
I can't try that kind of activity, that's not for me.
The list goes on and on and on, and we all have one. I know I do. My own situation as an intuitive, creative, non-linear right brained gal trying to make it in cubicle world is a perfect example. For so long I looked at it as just a paycheck, a trap and had nothing to offer beyond keeping the roof over my head. I've come to learn that the skills I use there are definitely valuable outside of work, the people I work for and with are wonderful and I am the one, with my thoughts and actions, that chooses how every day will go. Hey, I don't know much but this is working right now, I'll say that. I try and jettison the negative stuff, I decide to have a good day, and then move my ass. The things I want to change, I have to create a plan and then do it.
The Serenity Prayer really does say it well: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
As I just layed there, letting the needles do their work, it just hit me, all the walls we all put up. I do, I can say that. Every time I pull one down, I find another one to go knock out. I guess we think we can avoid pain, discomfort and heartbreak that way. We put walls up if people don't do what we wanted them to do. We're sad or enraged if a situation doesn't go as we'd hoped. We hide from ourselves and refuse to voice our needs to anyone, then get upset if they're not met. We're scared to death if people are different than we are. We're often so risk averse that we can't move. When we make a mistake, we want to be forgiven. But when others make a mistake, it seems incredibly hard to give that gift of forgiveness.
It's sort of like being 5 years old, playing in the Maytag box after mom's new washer arrives. You climb in there, it's hidden and safe, and nobody can see you. But then you get upset because you're alone in there! Um...then climb back out!
The last thing I recall thinking before I drifted off was how much more enjoyable life is when we can simply give each other a break. I'm not saying let's all be human carpets. But think about it. Do you ever wake up and say to yourself in the mirror "HEY! I think I will just absolutely SUCK at my life today!" Do you ever stand in the shower in the morning and maliciously plan to make an idiot mistake that ends up spilling onto others? Of course you don't. None of us do. We do the best we can, in each moment. Most of us aren't stupid or heartless. We're just scared, so we do stupid things.
It reminds me of something a very dear friend said to me not long ago. My friend has one of the biggest hearts I've ever known, although some might not suspect it.
"We are all human and flawed. Life is too serious to be taken seriously, enjoy life."
When I get acupuncture, after the needles are placed, there's a time where I just simply relax, until it's time for them to be removed. I absolutely love this time. You can't really go very far with a bunch needles coming out of you at various angles, so you almost HAVE TO relax. So, I figure, why fight it? This is my time.
Sometimes I meditate, sometimes I drift off to sleep, think, or look at the patterns in the wooden beams on the ceiling. That last choice can be kind of trippy, but I digress. Today, I just let whatever came to mind just flow out. This is a little of it, or at least the part before it became incoherent and I fell asleep. Hell, maybe you'll think the entire thing is incoherent.
I found myself looking back at events in my own life, and reflecting on things that have happened to family, friends and loved ones. I couldn't help but notice a pattern - how very often we put ourselves in a position of being sad or upset because we want things to be one way and they are not. The fear, the despair, the anger, blaming, bitterness, sadness and the giving up times are all examples of the hell we put ourselves through.
We expect people to know what we have never said and maybe never even shown, we think "they should know!" Actually, no, they shouldn't "just know". Yes, they more than likely do want to speak or act, but they're scared. We rarely see that. We only know our own expectations, and so fed by pride and fear, we can't let ourselves reach out, either. So, people just sit there, with all this crap between them, preventing a true human connection when all they really want is to step into the warmth of loving acceptance.
Yeah, expectations. They really can suck the life out of you. I'm not advocating a fake happiness where we all pretend we're thrilled with life when we aren't. There are times to "go" when taking action is key, and there are times to "flow", times when surrendering to the current brings us to new places, people, situations, and realizations. I find "go" vs "flow" to be an ongoing lesson, it's not easy for me. I'd much rather control things, and I suspect I'm not alone in that.
We feel more comfortable when we can control things. So we set rigid parameters, and build our expectations around them. This takes all of the responsibility off of us and puts it on the people and situations we encounter. This is convenient so that we can blame them later when things don't work out. And so we put our rules out there:
I can only be happy in my work if it's this type of job or situation.
If this person truly loves me, they will know to do this and this and that.
Mr. or Ms. Right has to be exactly like this.
This vacation is only fun if it goes exactly according to plan.
I work hard and I'm a good person. This kind of bad shit shouldn't happen to me.
Success can only look exactly as I have pictured it.
I can only be friends with certain types of people.
I can't try that kind of activity, that's not for me.
The list goes on and on and on, and we all have one. I know I do. My own situation as an intuitive, creative, non-linear right brained gal trying to make it in cubicle world is a perfect example. For so long I looked at it as just a paycheck, a trap and had nothing to offer beyond keeping the roof over my head. I've come to learn that the skills I use there are definitely valuable outside of work, the people I work for and with are wonderful and I am the one, with my thoughts and actions, that chooses how every day will go. Hey, I don't know much but this is working right now, I'll say that. I try and jettison the negative stuff, I decide to have a good day, and then move my ass. The things I want to change, I have to create a plan and then do it.
The Serenity Prayer really does say it well: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
As I just layed there, letting the needles do their work, it just hit me, all the walls we all put up. I do, I can say that. Every time I pull one down, I find another one to go knock out. I guess we think we can avoid pain, discomfort and heartbreak that way. We put walls up if people don't do what we wanted them to do. We're sad or enraged if a situation doesn't go as we'd hoped. We hide from ourselves and refuse to voice our needs to anyone, then get upset if they're not met. We're scared to death if people are different than we are. We're often so risk averse that we can't move. When we make a mistake, we want to be forgiven. But when others make a mistake, it seems incredibly hard to give that gift of forgiveness.
It's sort of like being 5 years old, playing in the Maytag box after mom's new washer arrives. You climb in there, it's hidden and safe, and nobody can see you. But then you get upset because you're alone in there! Um...then climb back out!
The last thing I recall thinking before I drifted off was how much more enjoyable life is when we can simply give each other a break. I'm not saying let's all be human carpets. But think about it. Do you ever wake up and say to yourself in the mirror "HEY! I think I will just absolutely SUCK at my life today!" Do you ever stand in the shower in the morning and maliciously plan to make an idiot mistake that ends up spilling onto others? Of course you don't. None of us do. We do the best we can, in each moment. Most of us aren't stupid or heartless. We're just scared, so we do stupid things.
It reminds me of something a very dear friend said to me not long ago. My friend has one of the biggest hearts I've ever known, although some might not suspect it.
"We are all human and flawed. Life is too serious to be taken seriously, enjoy life."
Monday, August 11, 2014
Furry Zen
Over coffee this morning, I was listening to some recordings of recent talks at a local Zen center. I was apparently listening very intently, because I was suddenly brought back to the present moment by the soft touch of a paw on my bare arm.
Our feline family member, Stevie, had decided I'd been lost in my concentration quite long enough, because he stood up on his hind legs, and reached up to touch me...."Um, hey! I'm here!"
When I felt the soft paw touch, I looked down at Stevie, standing there reaching up for me. He's got a strikingly beautiful face. Looking into his eyes, I couldn't help but smile. I could still hear the recording in the background, but I was just in the moment. I stopped and spent a few minutes just enjoying the cat, and he certainly reveled in having my attention back on him.
The recording, my tentative plans for the day, my concerns and thoughts about the future, everything else fell away and Stevie and I just spent a few simple, fun moments together.
I'm sure the people on the recordings had many wonderful things to say. But to be honest, the one who gave me a nugget of wisdom this morning, was Stevie.
Our feline family member, Stevie, had decided I'd been lost in my concentration quite long enough, because he stood up on his hind legs, and reached up to touch me...."Um, hey! I'm here!"
When I felt the soft paw touch, I looked down at Stevie, standing there reaching up for me. He's got a strikingly beautiful face. Looking into his eyes, I couldn't help but smile. I could still hear the recording in the background, but I was just in the moment. I stopped and spent a few minutes just enjoying the cat, and he certainly reveled in having my attention back on him.
The recording, my tentative plans for the day, my concerns and thoughts about the future, everything else fell away and Stevie and I just spent a few simple, fun moments together.
I'm sure the people on the recordings had many wonderful things to say. But to be honest, the one who gave me a nugget of wisdom this morning, was Stevie.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Existence Kiss
She abides
In the expanse of space
Between the night
And dawn's bright face
Where time does not exist
Clothed in silken purple
Adorned with freedom
Sweetest rhythm
Body swaying
Dance of sheer delight
Each movement
Existence kiss
Heart, spirit
Calling forth
That which must be
And the River, lovingly
Washes away
All that belongs
On another path
There is no seeking
Love Is
In the expanse of space
Between the night
And dawn's bright face
Where time does not exist
Clothed in silken purple
Adorned with freedom
Sweetest rhythm
Body swaying
Dance of sheer delight
Each movement
Existence kiss
Heart, spirit
Calling forth
That which must be
And the River, lovingly
Washes away
All that belongs
On another path
There is no seeking
Love Is
Sunday, August 3, 2014
States
At times, a question mark.
The calm mirror of water.
Swirling, dancing like breath on a January morning.
Occasionally, darkness.
Often, fire!
Always, love.
The calm mirror of water.
Swirling, dancing like breath on a January morning.
Occasionally, darkness.
Often, fire!
Always, love.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Morning's Decision
Morning tea
Greet the day
Decision time
Staying open
Remaining raw
Centered
Determined
Loving
Past mistakes
Destructive self judgement
Even random occurrence
The "odds"
At the periphery of the mind
Beckoning loudly
Tempting you
Come back in here
Behind the wall
It's safe here
Smiling
Sending doubt and fear on their way
Conscious choice
Stay the path
Be love
Work
Believe
Spread light
Messy, beautiful, unpredictable life
Somewhere between glory and horror
The place where your feet
Will touch the earth today
And every day
Walk. Live. Love. Be.
Greet the day
Decision time
Staying open
Remaining raw
Centered
Determined
Loving
Past mistakes
Destructive self judgement
Even random occurrence
The "odds"
At the periphery of the mind
Beckoning loudly
Tempting you
Come back in here
Behind the wall
It's safe here
Smiling
Sending doubt and fear on their way
Conscious choice
Stay the path
Be love
Work
Believe
Spread light
Messy, beautiful, unpredictable life
Somewhere between glory and horror
The place where your feet
Will touch the earth today
And every day
Walk. Live. Love. Be.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Reborn
It's not a cliche after all
In your very weakest moments
Doubts and fears that threaten to end you
The times when the very substance
Of who you thought you were
Shaken and stripped away
Even love seems to have flown
Sitting on the floor
Curled in a ball
Fear, sorrow and emptiness
Vying for control
Stop fighting with it
Allow the fear, and face the void
Witness yourself
Broken as you are
Embracing it, the wave of it
It breaks over you
Fleetingly, you wonder
Will it completely
Wash you away
And then
Something unexpected
Rocking, sobbing
An aching tenderness begins
Tendrils, like new spring growth
Nourishing the life within
Love, here
Exactly as things are, exactly as YOU are
All the words, the striving fall away
Precious, sacred vulnerability
Like a newborn baby
Just you, breathing
Gossamer threads of connection
With every thing
Standing, more naked than ever in your life
Raw with emotion
Drawing in sacred breath
Closing your eyes, feeling your own heart
Oh, sweet delicious BEING
A new power within
You are reborn
Strength found in weakness
No rules, no more confused thoughts
Gone the tangled striving
Focusing on the love
The light that shines within
Standing now, looking at the sky
Feeling the wind on your face
Colors, so vivid
Life, seen through the heart
Such power
In simply being
Heart rhythm
Shining, breathing and flowing
The Universe smiles
Sunday, July 27, 2014
The Human Being Challenge
I've been called
Liberal
Witch
Cunt
Fucking Democrat
Delusional
White Woman
Flirt
Whore
I guess in the end, I'd prefer "Beth".
I guess in the end, I'd prefer "Beth".
I've heard others called:
Liberal
Conservative
Idiot
Moron
Nigger
Nazi
Junkie
Junkie
Facist
Atheist
Whore
Cunt
Fat ass
Zionist
Terrorist
Gang member
Brainless
Animal
Dirty
Sub Human
Worthless
I myself have recently used the following labels to for people:
Stupid assholes
Baby killers
"Freakin Pubs"
Black Hearted Greed Hounds
Druggie
I commonly refer to Dick Cheney as "The Anti-Christ"
Honestly. We can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
Every time we decide someone needs a label, we dehumanize them, and ourselves. We decide that they are lesser than us, that they do not have the same rights as we do, that there is something intrinsically wrong or bad about them. Why?
Because they do not think or believe the way we do. And that makes us angry, or it scares us. Anger is just another form of fear, anyway.
We're not all going to agree all the time. We already know that. Yes, there are huge issues and challenges going on right now. And people are dying, every day - because of one simple thing. Our collective inability to put "THAT IS A HUMAN BEING" above ANY OTHER THOUGHT, NEED OR BELIEF.
I am going to challenge myself.
Every time I want to spit out some nasty description, every time my fear or anger tells me that I have a RIGHT, that I have JUSTIFIED REASONS to count that person as less, every time I want to use a label - I want to STOP. I want to catch myself. I want to take deep breaths and ask myself "Is this really going to help anything, if I do/say this?"
I can't walk around believing that only people that are easy for me to get along with are worthy, beautiful, and amazing. We all are. Even people whose fear has made them act in ugly ways. I don't have any answers to anything. I just know I can't pick and choose anymore. I have to draw a line. I have to stop.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Just For Tonight
Tonight
I'm giving it all a fucking rest
Goals on pause
Analyzing stops
No more picking me apart
Not striving for anything
No working, moving, purging
I don't want to rescue anybody
I sure as hell don't need rescuing
No
Tonight is mine
And you can't have it
None of you
Tonight I'm just me
And that's God Damned Well
Good Enough
In fact
It's beautiful
None of the labels matter now
And the past
With it's shining joys
And spectacular falls
Are just lessons learned late
As the man from Canada says*
And in this moment
I have no regrets
No apologies for you
I know who I was
Where I've been
What I've done
I'm standing here now
This is who I am
Who will I be?
That's for tomorrow
For today
I am here
And I am me
Exactly as I am
I don't fear my past, my present, or my future
Nor anyone else's
I'm doing this my way
One step, one day at a time
I'm not coloring inside the lines anymore
Every time I do that
It almost kills me
Right now is where I am
Because that's the only moment that matters
Don't you ever question my heart, my love
Or my authenticity
I've never hidden my successes
Or my failures
Maybe I didn't do it the way everyone wanted
That's life
That's me
You do the best you can in the moment you're standing in
That's all I've ever done, and it's all you've ever done
I'm choosing to be happy
With exactly who I am and where I am
Loving being alive
Having fun
If you don't, what exactly is the point?
I'll laugh, love and enjoy being.
Yeah.
So tonight is just for me.
*A reference to "It's Always Been You" by Todd Kerns off the album Borrowing Trouble
I'm giving it all a fucking rest
Goals on pause
Analyzing stops
No more picking me apart
Not striving for anything
No working, moving, purging
I don't want to rescue anybody
I sure as hell don't need rescuing
No
Tonight is mine
And you can't have it
None of you
Tonight I'm just me
And that's God Damned Well
Good Enough
In fact
It's beautiful
None of the labels matter now
And the past
With it's shining joys
And spectacular falls
Are just lessons learned late
As the man from Canada says*
And in this moment
I have no regrets
No apologies for you
I know who I was
Where I've been
What I've done
I'm standing here now
This is who I am
Who will I be?
That's for tomorrow
For today
I am here
And I am me
Exactly as I am
I don't fear my past, my present, or my future
Nor anyone else's
I'm doing this my way
One step, one day at a time
I'm not coloring inside the lines anymore
Every time I do that
It almost kills me
Right now is where I am
Because that's the only moment that matters
Don't you ever question my heart, my love
Or my authenticity
I've never hidden my successes
Or my failures
Maybe I didn't do it the way everyone wanted
That's life
That's me
You do the best you can in the moment you're standing in
That's all I've ever done, and it's all you've ever done
I'm choosing to be happy
With exactly who I am and where I am
Loving being alive
Having fun
If you don't, what exactly is the point?
I'll laugh, love and enjoy being.
Yeah.
So tonight is just for me.
*A reference to "It's Always Been You" by Todd Kerns off the album Borrowing Trouble
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Finding My Own Way
It's strange to think about it, now.
We chase so many things, because we think they're going to fill us up, create a feeling of wholeness or happiness or perhaps chase away the pain. Sometimes, we know we're doing it, other times, it's just a human reaction and we aren't even aware of ourselves.
We aren't aware of ourselves. That's just it, I think. Any time something feels bad, uncomfortable, or painful we run away from it, we have to cover it, avoid it or cure it as fast as possible. There are times, though, when we do ourselves a disservice. Sometimes, you're SUPPOSED to feel that pain, or grief or anger and there's nothing wrong with it.
We can't face it for a lot of different reasons. Maybe the grief is too big, or the pain is so all encompassing that letting it out seems like it would be the end of us. Maybe the sense of failure, of worthlessness is too much to bring out into the sun.
I've come to realize, each of us is exactly where we need to be. I can't expect you to be anywhere but exactly where you are right now, in this moment. There is nothing wrong with you or where you are right now.
It's harder to give that gift to myself. Acknowledging that I am OK, that I'm acceptable, lovable, worthy....oh damn! It's taken a lifetime to even begin to think that's possible. But, I'm getting there, just recently.
I can't and I won't chase anything else to try and make it OK. For a long time, I didn't even know I was doing it. Then, once I did, it took a long time to STOP. Lifelong survival habits are hard to change, but it isn't impossible.
Chasing distractions is empty.
There isn't any comfort to be had in food, television, twitter, liquor or the myriad of other things we try. Trust me on this point. And people? I have been blessed with so many beautiful souls in my life, but in the end, even that can change, for many different reasons. I will always cherish the gift of the people I've been blessed to know in my life - those still here and those not in my life any more. The truth of the matter is, none of us can truly get our sense of self from the people around us, or the roles we play. We won't find a way to make that heavy fear-ache in our chest go away by attaching ourselves to any other human being. It doesn't work and it's a hell of a heavy load to hang on another person.
No.
We have to face ourselves. We have to accept ourselves. We have to love ourselves. We have to find our own inspiration and connection. We have to walk our own walk and make our own dreams happen. Only we can heal ourselves. Of course we can help each other, and I am so grateful for the help I have received. But we do have to make the decision to open the door and face it, to do that tough work. We have to be the one to open the door inside of us. No one can make that decision for you.
For me, a connection with the Divine is what has helped me to find myself again and to decide that yes, I do indeed still want to be here. I'm glad I opened that particular door, and I've made no secret of the fact that Archangel Michael quite literally saved me by lending me his light and courage to face things until I was strong enough to realize my personal power. If I hadn't made the decision myself to open that door and work, and acknowledge my need for help, where would I be now? More to the point - would I be now? It's hard for anyone to help us if we won't accept it and admit we need it, and I'm glad I decided to seek help and hope.
Everyone's path is different, and we all find our own way. Our own way. That's how it works, that's how it has to be.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Disarming Yourself
Truth is
They're not rejecting you
No one is misunderstanding
No matter who, how many
Regardless of the situation
The judgement doesn't come
From the outside
Verdict rendered
By the judge and jury
Within
Those you interact with
Day to day
Are simply the mirror
You conjured them
To reflect what's inside
Dutifully, they show up
Ready to deliver
A hot plate
Preordered
By YOU
Crazy, unbalanced
Over-sharer
Flirt, whore
Ugly, flighty
Talentless, worthless
Unlovable
Overly sensitive
Lacking in compassion
Self-absorbed
Damaged
Accusations based on insecurity
Not on fact
That's coming from the place inside
The one you don't look at or go into
When you face your darkness
Accept, forgive, let go
Love yourself
All those damned arrows
From every direction
Bows drawn back
By your own self repulsion
Will all fall away
Freedom will be yours
It's your call
They're not rejecting you
No one is misunderstanding
No matter who, how many
Regardless of the situation
The judgement doesn't come
From the outside
Verdict rendered
By the judge and jury
Within
Those you interact with
Day to day
Are simply the mirror
You conjured them
To reflect what's inside
Dutifully, they show up
Ready to deliver
A hot plate
Preordered
By YOU
Crazy, unbalanced
Over-sharer
Flirt, whore
Ugly, flighty
Talentless, worthless
Unlovable
Overly sensitive
Lacking in compassion
Self-absorbed
Damaged
Accusations based on insecurity
Not on fact
That's coming from the place inside
The one you don't look at or go into
When you face your darkness
Accept, forgive, let go
Love yourself
All those damned arrows
From every direction
Bows drawn back
By your own self repulsion
Will all fall away
Freedom will be yours
It's your call
Tender Heart
Sometimes, you just drop it
All the baggage
And you've got no goddamned clue
What, where, or how
And there's just life
Unable, unwilling
To go behind walls again
Tender heart, wide open
Eyes, refusing to close
See it all
Feel everything
Yeah
You'll bleed sometimes
But once you SEE
You can't go back
To willful blindness
It's just so
BIG
Some days
You know?
All the baggage
And you've got no goddamned clue
What, where, or how
And there's just life
Unable, unwilling
To go behind walls again
Tender heart, wide open
Eyes, refusing to close
See it all
Feel everything
Yeah
You'll bleed sometimes
But once you SEE
You can't go back
To willful blindness
It's just so
BIG
Some days
You know?
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