Finding My Own Way

It's strange to think about it, now.

We chase so many things, because we think they're going to fill us up, create a feeling of wholeness or happiness or perhaps chase away the pain.  Sometimes, we know we're doing it, other times, it's just a human reaction and we aren't even aware of ourselves.

We aren't aware of ourselves.  That's just it, I think.  Any time something feels bad, uncomfortable, or painful we run away from it, we have to cover it, avoid it or cure it as fast as possible.  There are times, though, when we do ourselves a disservice.  Sometimes, you're SUPPOSED to feel that pain, or grief or anger and there's nothing wrong with it.

We can't face it for a lot of different reasons.  Maybe the grief is too big, or the pain is so all encompassing that letting it out seems like it would be the end of us. Maybe the sense of failure, of worthlessness is too much to bring out into the sun.

I've come to realize, each of us is exactly where we need to be.  I can't expect you to be anywhere but exactly where you are right now, in this moment.  There is nothing wrong with you or where you are right now.

It's harder to give that gift to myself.  Acknowledging that I am OK, that I'm acceptable, lovable, worthy....oh damn!  It's taken a lifetime to even begin to think that's possible.  But, I'm getting there, just recently.

I can't and I won't chase anything else to try and make it OK.  For a long time, I didn't even know I was doing it.  Then, once I did, it took a long time to STOP.  Lifelong survival habits are hard to change, but it isn't impossible.

Chasing distractions is empty.

There isn't any comfort to be had in food, television, twitter, liquor or the myriad of other things we try. Trust me on this point. And people?  I have been blessed with so many beautiful souls in my life,  but in the end, even that can change, for many different reasons.  I will always cherish the gift of the people I've been blessed to know in my life - those still here and those not in my life any more. The truth of the matter is, none of us can truly get our sense of self from the people around us, or the roles we play.  We won't find a way to make that heavy fear-ache in our chest go away by attaching ourselves to any other human being.  It doesn't work and it's a hell of a heavy load to hang on another person.

No.

We have to face ourselves. We have to accept ourselves. We have to love ourselves.  We have to find our own inspiration and connection.  We have to walk our own walk and make our own dreams happen. Only we can heal ourselves.  Of course we can help each other, and I am so grateful for the help I have received.  But we do have to make the decision to open the door and face it, to do that tough work. We have to be the one to open the door inside of us.  No one can make that decision for you.

For me, a connection with the Divine is what has helped me to find myself again and to decide that yes, I do indeed still want to be here. I'm glad I opened that particular door, and I've made no secret of the fact that Archangel Michael quite literally saved me by lending me his light and courage to face things until I was strong enough to realize my personal power. If I hadn't made the decision myself to open  that door and work, and acknowledge my need for help,  where would I be now?  More to the point - would I be now?  It's hard for anyone to help us if we won't accept it and admit we need it, and I'm glad I decided to seek help and hope.

Everyone's path is different, and we all find our own way.  Our own way.  That's how it works, that's how it has to be.