Wake Up

Having sight

Doesn't mean that we can see

Having ears

Doesn' t mean we hear

My heart, it's beating

But do I truly feel?

My hands, they can do many things

But how often do I use them for what really matters?

Do we walk through our days

Numb and in a haze

Using TV, the internet, food, or something else

To distract ourselves

Are we afraid to see, to hear, to feel?

What would happen if we

STOP

Sight with open eyes

Hearing with truly open ears

Life with an open heart

It can be difficult, and feels so different

But oh so worth the ride

The only way to live.

Revelation

So,  I thought you weren't there

Because I didn't get what I wanted

But, that's just it

I did get what I wanted. CONTROL.

I put up walls.

I drew parameters.

"THIS"...."HERE"....is where and how it must be.

Only within THESE LINES.

How could I expect the universe

To bless my life

When I consistently refused to see

And slammed shut all the doors

So now I'm OPEN

Still..........unaccustomed

Open  is raw, and open is scary

But it is a better place than closed

Oh, yes, by far a better place

Each day is new

Every day is mine

And anything can happen.

People Noises

I can hear their voices

Between the music in my ears

The sounds of people

The music of life

The voices are not disturbing

They sound sweet

Between the notes

There are beautiful moments

In the everyday

The little one next to me

Telling his "nanna" what he wants

The barista recommending a latte

To the timid new customer who can't find her voice

The couple walking by the window

Hand in hand

I watch the cars moving

They remind me of the toy cars

My brother used to play with

Sweet little thought, that too

Heaven's little moments

Right here on earth

You

Fill me with your light

Your rays touch my brow

The warmth spreads through me

Who knew

I thought you didn't exist

I'd seen too much evidence to the contrary

Or maybe I'd seen too little

My view of you

Inexorably changed, yes

Not what I envisioned

But, gone?

No.  You were always here

I see you differently now

And that had to be

Still, I know

We are all together

Our voices, our lives, the very breath we take every day

And in these connected moments

I know

Whatever you are

You ARE

You were never gone

On Being Me

 "You at some point try to be a better person and change your ways to make everyone happy, and then that goes on for a while," he exclaims. "Then, you get to a point where you're like, 'F**k it, I'm me!'"

Chris Cornell (Intro to "Can't Change Me" on "Songbook")

I enjoy being playful.  I take it as a compliment when someone thinks I'm "strange" or "quirky".   If I shouldn't, I'm probably going to.  Irreverent?  Yes, that describes me quite well.  In many situations, if I really "should" take something seriously, I often find I just can't muster the feeling.  Some things that a lot of folks place importance on just don't impress me.

There are, naturally, times in life when we need to be serious.  When it comes to the ones in the "should" category, in the corporate world or just socially, the "it just isn't done" world, those are the places I just can't take you or me seriously.  None of it is half as important as we're making it out to be. Really.  Get over it.

Interestingly enough, I'm not doing any of this to get a reaction from people.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes people's reactions are entertaining, but they're never the why behind my behavior.

Sometimes I say, do, or post things that people enjoy. Other times people think I shouldn't have.  That's cool with me, it's all good.  Wouldn't the world be boring if we all though the same way?  I respect differing opinions.  Regardless of what you think of me, or my writing, I'm glad you stopped by and I'm glad you have an opinion.

The thing is - I'm actually getting more and more comfortable in my own skin and I'm basically just being unapologetically me.

A good friend recently pointed out to me that I haven't REALLY done or said anything that would be considered outrageous, and suggested that I could still stand to loosen up considerably.  I had to agree with her.  That's why it's so funny to think that there are folks out there who are surprised or shocked at my beliefs, comments, posts, approach to life, etc.  That just shows you how long I was stifling myself before I decided to, as the quote above says, say "F**k it, I'm me!" Now, some folks don' t know how to take some of what comes out of me.

I've gotta say, I'm having fun.  Fun.  Every day.  Enjoying my life.  I spent a quarter of a century, literally, doing, saying and wearing what was expected.  Showing up.  Checking those boxes.  Keeping my opinion to myself.  Yessing everyone.  Doing what was expected.  Who told me to do this?  Me.  I thought that's who I was.  I thought that to be a good person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend....etc....that you had to please the entire world.

I finally woke up and realized that I was being a fake.  I was pretending to be a conservative, Catholic christian, republican, quiet, mild-mannered person.  That's not who I am.  I am not remotely conservative.  I think being quiet and mild-mannered is overrated, it doesn't work for me.  I'm going to express myself, I'm a big mouth sometimes.  Although I'm a christian to a certain extent - my spirituality is so much BIGGER than that now.  I'm not remotely religious.   And I am UNEQUIVOCALLY NOT A REPUBLICAN. If you ARE a Republican, and that works for you, then I respect that.  But it is absolutely not who I am.  (Frankly there isn't a party that I fit perfectly into)

My passion for my writing, the way I dress, my crazy music addiction, the things I think are cool, the things that get me excited - some people may think that's fighting my age.  OK, so what's appropriate for my age?  Am I supposed to buy "mom jeans" ?  Does it mean I'm not allowed to listen to Avenged Sevenfold because I'm not in the right demographic?  Should I not put my all into my writing because people who are "pushing 50" don't just reinvent themselves?

Nope, sorry folks. To quote Lewis Carroll, "I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then."  I am getting to be "more me" every day.  I like me.  I'm gonna rock the life I have and make it more exciting, more amazing, more fun and more ME every day.  And I'm going to love the people I'm blessed with in my life while I do it.  That's how it works.

Hey, thanks for stopping by again.  Rock your life.

 

Delight

"The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention." -- Julia Cameron

Stop fantasizing
Live
Yes, imagine!  Feed your soul!
Beauty, music, inspiration
But walk in the real world
Notice everyday miracles

It's OK to walk with one foot in another plane
See, feel, acknowledge the mystical
That you know to be real

But have the other foot
FIRMLY
In the beautiful life you have right now
Here, in front of you

There's wonder in the everyday
Be present for it.

A Tugging

Does it feel impossible?  Do you keep thinking of it?  It's something you should be following then.  This tugging sensation, of something nagging at you, it will stay with you for some time.  If you ignore it long enough, it will go away.  When that happens, you've missed it  - the gift that the universe had put aside just for you.  There will be others, but this one gift, this moment, has passed and you will never know what it would have meant in your life and the lives of others. Don't let these moments go, that intuition is more than just a feeling.  Act on it!  Write it down.  Believe it, because synchronicity does happen for people and you shouldn't waste what is waiting there just for you.  The "Law of Attraction" isn't magic - it's about your belief in yourself and what CAN be.  When you walk forward in this belief, these moments do happen.  Keep your eyes and your heart open. Acting on it is the work but it's well worth it!

Never Alone

* Written on 1/17/12 / Lunch Hour / Listening to Alter Bridge, specifically "Words Darker Than Their Wings"  This is written as a love letter to everyone.

Do you think that we're alone?  When you die, what is it that you think happens?   When I think we might be alone, I feel empty, cold, and hopeless, and there is no light.  But you don't have to believe in a traditional deity to know that we are not alone.  I know there is more, even if it is simply what we ARE together. This is about more than the time we spend walking upon this earth.  Some of us believe in a formal "Father" based concept of a deity.  Others do not. Our beliefs are as varied as the paths we followed in order to arrive at these beliefs. I have known for a long time that we can reconcile all of these different beliefs.  We have more in common than we realize, and if we knew how connected we were we would weep, with both sorrow and joy.

Do you understand?  I have felt it and I am consistently frustrated because I am compelled to write, and write, and write until I cannot write anymore.  I can try and try, and I cannot capture this - and it is the most important thing I will ever write.  Today I make another stab at trying to share this with you, and yet I'm only moving all the sand on the beach with a teaspoon.

Still, I will try, and I will keep trying.  I need so much for you to know, and so I'll keep throwing myself at this wall until it falls. It will fall. 

I have gone inside, where there is only me - alone - with my soul.  Do you know what I found there?  I found MYSELF.  I found EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.  I found GOD.  All three of these things are tied together, they exist within one another. How could you walk around each day and not see yourself the way I see you?  It kills me, in all seriousness.  Do you really think that you could be some empty random accident?

You are a precious and beautiful creation.  Yes, YOU.  This is why when I simply LOOK at other people, I am sometimes overwhelmed, when I catch that little moment of truth in your eyes.  I am overcome, because I KNOW what you may not realize - what you are - how amazing that is.  If you could only see yourself as I see you.

And so this writer will write.  I will write about many things over the course of my life, because I  can no sooner stop writing than I can stop breathing.  But THIS MESSAGE, that I have made such a pathetic attempt tonight to share with you - this is what I will keep trying to tell you.

Light and Love to you all.

My Voice

My voice is sometimes naive
Unsophisticated
Speaking from what I know
Other times I speak from need
I want you to hear me
Afraid I'll disappear
The days when I speak from joy
Are the best of all
Recognize the brightness
Once in a while my voice cracks
And the sound is small
It's because I am afraid
When I am sure of myself
My voice is strong
And I cannot be stopped
My hopeful voice comes
Because I have seen
And I believe what I know comes
I speak with passion
When I am full
I must share it!
Whatever comes
In spite of the joys
And in the midst of the sorrows
Throughout it all
My voice
It is my own
I do not apologize
For my voice
Is me

Opinion vs. Hating

Sometimes it seems like it gets to be the "in thing" to hate on somebody on social media.  (Current examples in music would be Nickelback, Scott Stapp....)  In other words, someone falls out of fashion, and suddenly it's the cool thing to trash on them.  This has nothing to do, really, with the person's talent, in my eyes.  People trash them because it's currently "in fashion" to do so.  It's a cheap shot and it's not necessary.  Frankly, it lowers my opinion of the speaker significantly.  It seems to have nothing to do with whether the speaker likes whomever may be the "out of flavor of the month", and it has nothing to do with their talent level. This is about trashing people just because it's the popular thing to do.
 
I could give you a list of artists that I do not listen to because I can't stand their music, and you'd frankly have to pay me to go see them.  Does anyone see me trashing them on Facebook or Twitter?  Not so much.  It's one thing to say for example "I don't like country music" and another altogether to say nasty shit about a particular artist.  I don't think anyone just wakes up and goes "Yeah, I think I'll go out and just do things that outright SUCK." 

I mean, OK - clearly some people have enormous amounts of talent, drive, creativity, charisma, and we all have strong opinions on who we think really rocks it.  But that doesn't mean character assassination is necessary.

It's one thing to sit and have an intelligent conversation about music, movies, or whatever and express your opinion.  It's quite another to needlessly trash someone.  OK - off my soapbox.  I needed to get that out of my system.

What We Are To Each Other

I don't think we realize what a difference we can make in the lives of others.  I don't believe in co-incidence.  If two people, or a group of people, have met in some way, then we add something to the color of each other's lives.  This is how it's supposed to be. This can be a 10 minute interaction, or a lifelong relationship.  The point is, we are all here to help each other.  We all weave the threads of our lives together into something more, something beautiful.  Maybe you opened the door for me at the bank, or maybe I paid for your coffee because you left your wallet at home, or you encouraged someone on Facebook or Twitter during a tough day, or we had a great conversation while stuck in the airport - whatever - maybe I'll be your friend forever, or maybe I'll never see you again.  The point is, we connected.  We added something to each other.  A moment, or a conversation - these connections can be profound - they can really add something.  You don't need to label them and put them in a box or slot, so that you can define them.  Just being thankful - that we all have each other - is enough.

The Sweet Times (Happy is Right Here)

You're sitting next to me
And I wonder if you know
I spend so much time trying to "run away"
Trying to get to that next thing
Find "that thing" that will be the "big happy"
Really, though.....baby you're beautiful
And I think maybe the happy is right here
Today, while you sit and chill out
And my fingers glide over the keys
I look in my heart and find you there
My darling, my own - you always have been
Whatever happens, you just roll with it
Sometimes we get tired and life beats us up
But it's so sweet, between the lines
All I need to do is make eye contact with you
Watch that smile of yours, that smile
The way your eyes crinkle up in the corners when you're happy
I've heard that there is beauty in the every day
And I think that I've been spending so much time
Trying to get to the "thing that's better"
That I'm not noticing how amazing it is right here, right now
I know now that I need to be true to myself, and to my art
And I can't make compromises, and let the "crazymakers" change me
But you're not one of those compromises
You're the smile in my heart, my love
I'm going to walk my path but I'm going to walk with you
And I'm going to live in this moment
These are the sweet times

ARTIST

Am I an artist?  I love to write.  I'm not sure, really, if I'm any good.  I'm working to reinforce that - allowing myself to believe that.  Can I say  "I am an artist" and believe it?  I guess I feel like if I say that, am I being pompous?  Really, I'm just trying to figure out what the heck I'm all about.   Bob Dylan said, "An artist is always in a state of becoming."  Clearly, most of us are no Dylan - heaven knows I'm not.  But if an artist is always in a state of becoming, then perhaps I can actually say that I am an artist.  I'm also reading Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way".  There's a section in the book where she talks about not comparing the work you're doing right now with the masterwork of an artist who does what you want to do/love to do.  I was actually doing that - comparing my writing to major writers and poets.

What do I already know?  I know I love to write, especially poetry. Lets do this.  If I keep "trying" and "working toward" I'll never get anywhere.  When I believe something with all that I am, then I can manifest it.  The Law of Attraction isn't magic - it's about your own belief and drive giving you what you need to get where you want to go - and enjoy the journey too!

Lets do this. Now.

I AM AN ARTIST.

I give myself permission to suck.  I give myself permission to write bad poetry.  I give myself permission to grow and get better.  I give myself permission to be my complete, uncensored, oddball self.

I DO NOT GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO GIVE UP OR TO DOUBT MY ART.

What is a writer?  A writer is a person who cannot imagine a day without writing, regardless of whether anyone sees it or likes it.


What is an author?  An author is a person who is lucky enough to get paid to be a writer.

Sometimes I DO suck.  Other times, maybe a flash of something special.  We all have that.  But I can't second guess myself anymore.  I am a writer.  I am a poet.  This is who I am.  Maybe you can' t stand what I write. Maybe you like it.  Either way, this is who I am. It's OK either way, I'm glad you stopped by to read me for a minute - I appreciate it.  I want you to feel something - whether you like it or even if you think I can't write to save my life.  Just have an opinion!

Bless you on your life's journey - may all who stop by here be blessed with the opportunity to do that which makes them feel passionate and excited about life every day. 

The Unraveling

If at times I crave the unraveling of it all
Please forgive me, for it is not out of contempt
It is only that I do not know where I belong
And when I feel like this, I don't know who I am
But, I have come to know
That when I let go and stop hiding
Only what is real is left

Sometimes, the truth is so big, and I feel so small
And I think that I must be useless, broken
But, far from the noise of the everyday
Where we work to be heard
There is another song, and it calls to my heart
In the quiet, where there is truly no silence!
I can hear it.  And it's beauty breaks my heart.

In these moments, I can feel...everything
And it is so unalterably honest, I cannot hide from it
I can only be that which I am
And there is acceptance of my full being!
And connection with all that is

Each day is truly a new beginning
And the stuff of our dreams is woven in
Throughout the mundane, and hidden in the everyday
Messages of  hope,  moments of bliss
Come to us in the darkness
We do not often see or hear
That which is directly in front of us.

So forgive me if I crave the unraveling
Truly I cannot help myself
Because I know that when I let go
Of all that I hide behind
Only what is real will be left

Power

It's taking my breath away, watching you, and listening.  You are open, and IT just flows from you.  You're so connected, and it spills over.  That must be why it feels SO GOOD to watch and listen.  It's even more amazing, because now I understand.  I can touch that too, and be connected.  It brings tears of joy - it's got to be the ultimate release!   Tapping into the power, and letting IT just flow!   My life is a canvas. I know I AM, and together, as one - connected - we will paint my life.  It makes me feel humble and filled with joy.  Grateful.

Beautiful

Do you know you're beautiful?
I know, you've made mistakes
You've screwed up a few times
Maybe a lot
Things haven't worked out the way you'd hoped
But that's OK with me

Phantoms try and haunt you
And tell you that you should quit
They don't believe, but you have to
You've learned from those mistakes
That's part of you
Own it, learn from it, then move on
There's power in that movement

You're truly amazing
Inside and out
Please.  Don't let your light go out
We need it here!
It's OK to be flawed
You're still fucking beautiful
Never forget that

Cameras of the mind
Snap and keep those moments
And you replay them to your utter destruction
Better to stop and notice which way the wind blows today
Stop. Inhale. Exhale.
Believe in yourself in this moment.

Music

Thank you, Music
For your healing touch
When I hear you
I am restored
My soul returns to me
And I can breathe again

You are inside of me
But when the world is too loud
Sometimes I can't hear you
I can't hear my own voice
My soul gets lost

But there are those
Who hear the music
And they share their art
And in sharing, their souls as well
Not knowing if anyone will listen
I am listening

You fill my ears at first
And soon I know you in my soul again
And breath returns to my lungs
A bit at a time, life force returns
And existence is not so insane
For just this moment

Walking With One Foot In Another Plane

We walk around in our physical bodies each day, on this planet.  And for the time that we draw breath on this little blue orb, this is the physical plane of our existence.  I firmly believe it is not the only plane that we exist on.  Our spirits, the energy or life-force that is within us, exists on multiple planes.  There is so much more to our world, to ourselves, and to our connections with the world, and each other than the actual space that we inhabit.

In time, there exists a truth that we do not always touch in our everyday lives.  The motion of our souls is tantamount to a stirring, like that of the ocean waves.  Infinite wisdom is available to any and each of us, if we but touch it.  Where do you suppose intuition comes from?  Why, I wonder, do we look for God, or that something larger than ourselves, outside?  Why do we so often assume that we are empty and that we must look elsewhere to be filled?  If you are a child of God - a child of this earth - AND LET ME TELL YOU NOW - YOU ARE - doesn't it make so much  more sense that you and I; each of us; would arrive here connected? 

Each of us has a spark of creation inside of us.  God did not create empty, dead things.  This means that YOU ARRIVED HERE PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL.  Regardless of what has happened to you in your life, regardless of what people have done to you, despite anything and everything you've done, and despite what you may believe about yourself, your life, and your possibilities - YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH AND YOU MATTER.

I'll ask again. Where do you suppose intuition comes from?  Naturally, we all have some basic knowledge of life based on experience.  Having said that, have you ever had the experience of simply knowing something, when you clearly have no way, really, to know it? 

Some of us have the experience of "picking up information" about someone when we make eye contact.  I can see things about you if you return my eye contact, and you do not hide.  It doesn't mean that I know everything about you, and it doesn't stop you from being purposely deceptive. But it does mean that I just "saw" you, a little piece of you, some truth.  It happened because I looked and you didn't hide.  And I didn't hide from you either.

The same thing happens in nature.  We are connected with each other and with the earth.  The earth, like us, is alive.  She whispers to us, and tells us the truth.  Spending quiet time in nature is a very moving experience, because there is never actually silence in what we have come to know as silence.  There are things to be learned, by listening, watching, and being open.  You will suddenly know something, inside of you - and it's as if the knowledge was always there, but you didn't realize it until that very moment.  It's as if a shell cracked open and now you can see what you hadn't seen before.  When this happens, the rush of joy can just knock you over.  Do I laugh, do I cry - oh that I had wings so that I might take flight!

Walking with one foot in another plane.  Let me say unequivocally that if you do, some folks will simply not "get you."  That's OK!  I'll admit sometimes it's sad,  because you can feel alone.  If you aren't walking through life with anyone at all who sees and hears and experiences life the way you do, it can be tough.  I do have times when the need to be with someone, even if for only an hour - someone who "gets me", is huge.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything.  (I know you're out there, and we'll have our conversation someday.  I can wait.)

This almost invisible gossamer thread that weaves through my soul and through yours tells me we are all connected.  Because it is there,  I see and hear what there is to learn in nature.  Because it is there, I feel more alive.  When I look into a person's eyes, or spend time in a beautiful, natural place -  I can be in touch with the truth. 

Talk about living in the space between!  It's truly a good place to be. 

Watershed Moments

 By definition, a watershed moment is a moment that changes everything.  After this, nothing can ever be the same.  Based on this, the expectation would be that a watershed moment would be a dramatic, visible thing that happens to you - something everyone would notice.

I've come to believe that it is possible to have these moments inside of oneself.  Music, meditation and poetry do this for me.  Sometimes someone else's writing can do this for me, also. Or, I can be listening to music, driving along - and all of a sudden WHAM!  The truth in the lyrics will hit me like a 18 wheeler coming at me from the other direction.  Then I start thinking of a poem - the words just start flying like crazy and I'm just trying to hang on to them until I get the car parked so they don't fly away!

I've been unalterably changed by these moments when I'm alone, either in meditation or listening to music.  And my outlook changes - the way I think about a key part of my life, who I am, how I relate to the world around me will change.  That is what this "being open" has felt like over the past few months. Another piece of this endless puzzle unlocks.

When I feel like this, I think it must be the most exquisitely beautiful pain ever, because there I am having a soul altering moment - I want to laugh - I want to cry - I feel like I could fly - OH BUT WAIT, I need to be at work in 10 minutes.  And I'm torn in half - wanting to escape to a wild place where I can just be, and let my soul fly free - and find I AM in the wilderness and inside myself.  But instead I go to work and I feel like I do not belong.  But people depend on me so I do what I must.  And I'm honored to do it.

The juxtaposition of these two feelings is what it feels like inside of my head, inside of my soul every living, waking moment.  And THAT is why I write - because I must.  I am compelled to.  If I don't the words - the feelings will rip me to pieces!  And I'll say it again - God  help me - "open" is amazingly painful sometimes but it's also such a fucking beautiful place to be I will never go back to being closed.  I love living in this horrifyingly wondrous space where I "see" everything.

So let the watershed moments come.   I am so grateful, so thankful for every moment I have to live in this beautiful place we inhabit.  Do we really know how breathtaking life is?  Sometimes I think we lose sight of it. Having the soul of a poet, and embracing that,  means I can never stop seeing and feeling it.  So, if that makes me a little unusual, here's to being an oddball! 

We are all beautiful and broken and amazing and we live in this crazy, mystical place.  Hallelujah.  Blessed Be.