Walking In Step

I realized something today.  I have a tendency to put distance between myself and others if I can't understand where they're at.  Especially if I really don't understand the direction a person is going in.  It's like if I think you're about to make a gigantic mistake, I push you away.  Sometimes, I do this if I think you're just deluding yourself and I can't get my head around it.

The reality?  Me, letting down the people that matter to me.  I know how it started.  When I spent so many years not knowing who the hell I was, I was the world's carpet.  I truly thought that to be a good  person I had to "yes" everyone, and in the process I lost myself.  I had no compass, no self.  It took me a long time to figure out who I was, and to realize that I was the one putting myself in that position.  So I learned me, and slowly got comfortable advocating for myself.

I got strong, I surprised  myself at how strong.  But I took it too far.  Instead of gently and firmly stating my position, I ended up in a place where if I couldn't understand where you were at, I just created distance.  Then I'd sit there and wonder why I felt so bereft.  It was the loss of the people I pushed away.  I'd push people away and then not be able to understand why I was so sad. It's happened several times, and I've never figured it out until now.

Because I recently did it again.

Now I understand.  I've finally become strong enough in myself to be able to stand with others and respect their journey.  I can stand with you now, when we are both unequivocally in a different place, and not leave your side.  If you mean something to me, then I am behind you.  Period.  Sometimes we'll walk in step, side by side and I'll finish your sentences, you'll finish mine,  and we'll be on the same page.  Another time, perhaps I'll be struggling with the choices you've made and the things you believe.  But, you see - that isn't as important as who and what you are.

We are all in each other's lives for a reason.  And your journey, though it overlaps mine is just that  - YOUR JOURNEY.  I have not walked in your shoes.  I know now that I must respect your journey.  All I know is I have seen your light and you matter to me.  No more pushing away the people I care about, because I'm finally strong enough not to feel threatened by the difference, or by things I don't understand.  I know now that I won't be lost, I won't blow off course.  I've found me, and I am no longer without a compass. And so I know I can truly stand with those I love.

Sometimes I'll still worry that those I care about are going to hurt themselves.  If I truly think you might be hurt, I'm going to gently tell you, then I'm going to shut up. Stand with you.  When things work, I'll celebrate with you because I'll know you truly put yourself into it. When you fall, I'll  help you up and I'll never, ever say I told you so.