Connection

Closed off, spirit gone
I blocked You out
I didn't want to see
The beauty wasn't for me
Afraid to open my ears
My heart I sealed off
And let my soul go dry
I could walk through this life
Quietly sensible
Doing what I should
And all would be okay
But it wasn't OK
Sensible
Duty, and supposed to
Don't fill your soul
The longer I closed my heart
The dryer became my soul
Afraid to open back up
Afraid of what it would feel like
But THE EMPTY is worse
The things I tried to fill it with
Do nothing to soothe my soul
The music is gone
And the lyrics ring hollow
I"m just inhaling.....and exhaling
But now - OPEN!
And in the stillness
The music
The reality
The still small voice
My life force returns
I can feel everything
I am connected to everything
And sometimes it does hurt
But it's also beautiful and amazing and wonderful
It's so beautiful that yes, there is pain in the knowledge
But I embrace it
This beautiful exquisite feeling
Because in feeling this
The gamut of what it is to BE
I know that I am ALIVE

The Performer

Did you know that I can see your soul?
When you open up and go inside
You go somewhere else, in that moment
Your eyes, they're closed
Your head thrown back
Looking toward the heavens
Feeling the wonder
You lose yourself in the moment
And in that moment - your soul bursts wide open
And I can SEE IT!
You have a beautiful soul
And that is why I come to watch
Because I have seen, and it was beautiful

Mirror

FACE IT
EMBRACE IT
LOOK AT IT STRAIGHT ON
IT'S ALL YOU
DON'T HIDE

Now

Blend your voices
Lend a hand
Stop a hurt
Walk this land
Make your way
And mark your place
Forever is tomorrow
And that's our ace
Trust, forgiveness
Reaching out
Truly seeing
Silent shout
I need to hear you
To see your face
Touch the earth
Heal this place

4ST

Love that big grin you get on your face
Joy in just that moment
Reminds me to do the same

We may be livin' on the edge
Sometimes it's pretty dark
We look for the light in each other

Keep smiling, sharing, and singing
It helps us keep the lights on when things are darkest
Thanks for the help while we walk this way

Wings

Plenty of focus
Trying to force it
It clips your wings
Spending time on such things
Cherish the days
Burn up the nights
The last chapter always comes

The Ride

Fear of taking a risk
Crashing into life
Not sure how to put the brakes on
If I can't control it
I've just gotta roll with it
No reason not to enjoy the ride
River keeps rollin'
Choice
Don't even get your feet wet
Or a ride down the rapids
Do you feel it too?
I need to take that ride

Frayed II

When you're frayed around the edges
And life is feeling crazed
Remember that YOU'RE in control
You can navigate this maze
Get right off the carnival ride
The decision is up to you
Don't let your life just happen
Make sure that things are true
Folks opinions are overrated
Your life is YOURS to live
So walk the path that's right for YOU
No apologies, nothing to forgive.

Squeezed

Squeezed into a little space
That’s how it sometimes feels
My thoughts, my life could be so BIG
They’re nipping at my heels
Check that box there’s not much time
Let’s get it done right now
I feel I could be so much more
If I only knew just how
I need some time, I need more space
To sit, unfold and BE
Would be a gift, unheard of bliss
To take this just for ME
I need to take the risk you see
Be willing to rock the boat
For if I don’t, if I’m too afraid
The scream dies, silent in my throat

Frayed

I’m frayed around the edges
I wish it weren’t so
Would prefer if I were “harder”
Not let things pull me to and ‘fro
I’m thinking about everything
What’s working and what’s not
And how to handle challenges
When issues get too hot
My heart is feeling raw today
I’m worried about much
Bills and health and goals we have
Logistics, plans and such
The things that bring me peace
When life can get too big
It seems I cannot get to them
It makes me want to wig
My friends, my man, my family
Some refreshing time away
They seem to be the very things
That get taken, day-to-day
I’ll keep on trucking on today
And tomorrow do the same
This ebb and flow will change, I know
That’s how we play the game

Thought for Today

I was a good little girl. I did what I was supposed to do. I grew up and I was still a good little girl.
I've spent my entire life doing what I am supposed to do, saying what I am supposed to say, wearing what I'm supposed to wear and showing up where I'm supposed to show up. I'm dependable. Yup, dependable. Put that on my freaking gravestone, that's just what people want to be remembered for - she was dutiful and dependable. Yipee. Really.

At this point, really - - I have to be honest. Being a good, dutiful person has gotten me what?
I'm tired, fat, old and bored. Big deal.

I love my husband, family, sons and friends. But my biggest fear in life isn't death - it's being ORDINARY. Everyone has the capability to be amazing. And right now I don't feel amazing.

It's like, there's more to me than this, if I could just stop checking off the required boxes long enough to figure out what I would really like to be doing !

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Hmmm.

I'm happy that I went back to finish my degree. But.....spending time and money on a business degree implies that this is really what I want to be when I grow up. (Yeah I know, I'm 46) It was OK to be in the business world for the last 25 years when frankly my entire career has been a combination of getting noticed for my work ethic coupled with a few happy accidents. For some reason now that I have to consciously CHOOSE this and spend money and effort, I'm balking........getting all existential - what I am I supposed to be doing.....etc? Why am I here? Is there something more I should be doing? Is this cubicle surfing all there is of me?

What is my problem? I didn't think anything of it all those years when the boys were little and I realized I was getting noticed and bid for various higher level jobs so we could try and balance our budget. I have a great job that I do like, with really cool people, people I enjoy working with. I keep asking myself why I can't just accept it with grace and be happy, and thankful for it. Get up every day and do it and be happy because it allows you to provide for your family.

Instead, for some reason since I've gone back to school, I keep questioning everything. I think that it goes back to one thing. I ended up in the business world accidentally. There was no family business, no inspiring example or specific job I was passionate about. High School was over and there was no money for college, so I needed to work. A family friend helped me get a job in the filing room of an insurance company and that was it.

I met my husband a couple of years later. We needed to provide for our children, and our budget wasn't working. So, I worked hard. This allowed me to bid for higher jobs. The pattern has continued. I've done really well for just a high school diploma. I've worked for some great companies and worked with some amazing people. Right now, I have a very nice job that I enjoy. I like my co-workers.

But ............ I question. Now that I am going back to finish my degree I keep feeling like something is wrong. It's like I'm finally stopping - finally coming up for air after 25 years of being on autopilot. Doing my duty. Do well - work hard, it'll pay off. And now that I'm sucking in that big gulp of air and re-evaluating I realize that I don't know if the business world is where I belong.

Yes I can survive here. I can do well. I can provide for my family. My company is good and my co-workers are awesome, they rock and they inspire me every day. But I've been cubicle surfing for a quarter of a century here, people!

WHAT THE HELL DO I REALLY WANT TO BE DOING? And if the Lord blesses me and my arthritis allows me to work until retirement, is this what I want to be doing? What about my writing? What about my lifelong wish to work for and really make a difference at a non-profit? What about the book I want to write, collecting stories of real Americans all over the country and getting published? What about all that? What about being amazing? What about that?

If I'm going to work another 20-25 years, if I am going to finance my own education, if I'm going to not drive myself crazy with all these questions, I think I need to figure out what direction I really DO want to go in.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I stay on autopilot I'll wake up old one day and look back and have regrets, about never fulfilling my potential.

No, I'm not going to go give my notice at work. I have too much responsibility for that! But I am going to spend some time this summer reflecting on what direction I want to go in for the next part of my life and create a plan for that. The job I am in now is a very good place to be while I reflect on that. So I'm not going anywhere right this minute - that's how I got into this situation, right? By moving forward on autopilot without thinking, without a plan. NO. This time I will think, pray, meditate, and research and figure out how to move forward and where I'm going anyway. In the meantime, I will give my boss and my coworkers and customers 110% because they are great people who give that much every day and they deserve nothing less.

I envy people who know/always knew what they wanted. I'm currently reading "North by Northwestern" by Sig Hansen. He amazes me. He knew he wanted to be a fisherman from the time he was a boy. He set out to do it, and he did it. And it's amazingly difficult, but he is exactly where he wanted to be, right where he belongs and because of that he is AMAZING at what he does. I want some of that. I sure as hell didn't know what I wanted when I was 12, and apparently I still haven't got a clue. But even if I take 40 years or so longer than Sig to figure out what I do want to do, I am going to figure it out, pay my dues, and be AMAZING at my destiny, too.

Meatball Surgery

The other day I was sitting in a meeting at work. It was a really good meeting, and covered some very interesting material. During this meeting I was very distracted. I had a large list of client requests, and was concerned about getting them done. As a result, I was of two minds during the meeting. As always, my focus was on getting things done NOW, in the moment. The meeting provided information that was training focused, things I would use at some future time. At the end of the presentation, which was very good, we were asked if we had any questions. I couldn't possibly imagine anything else we needed to cover, and continued to mentally chafe at not being out at my desk cranking out the deadline oriented items on my desk.

It was at this point that one of my co-workers asked a question. It was a good question, and brought to light some information I wouldn't have thought of. It was very useful and helpful information. Clearly my co-worker thought more long term than I did. She's very busy too, but she could see the big picture where I missed it.

On my way home from work that night, I thought more about this. This has absolutely happened to me before. I asked myself what contributes to this tendency that I have to be my best self in the moment, when I need to scramble, but to have such difficulty with planning ahead and focusing on long term goals, and moving slowly?

Was my lack of college a contributing factor? I'd always told myself my experience more than made up for this. But was it really true? I continued to run into situations that showed me that perhaps I HAD missed something. My college educated peers did seem to have some knowledge and perspective that I didn't at times. I also wondered, was part of it due to my family's lack of social connectedness, which left me ill equipped to handle the working world? (Hell, the real world in general!!)

Truthfully, those things are contributing factors to be sure, but there comes a time when you need to overcome your past. I feel as if it's a cop-out if I rely on those explanations. They feel like excuses.

I know that when Rob and I got married I was far from ready for "adult life." We've spent our lives working hard, taking care of family and somehow along the way I developed a special skill for survival. I can do crisis management. I can scramble with the best of them. Throw me into a tough situation, and I'll find a way to get through it. I can talk an upset customer down off the ceiling, handle a termination of a staff member with grace, balance a budget with way less money than I need.....you get the idea. My solutions aren't always pretty. They are rarely polished. They get the job done, quickly, in that moment. They help me and the people around me get through. They're survival mode material. Hold it together with bubble gum and paperclips.

This summary of my mode of moving through life reminds me of an episode of M*A*S*H that I saw several times. It was the episode when the character of Charles Emerson Winchester III is introduced, and it is his first time in surgery at the M*A*S*H 4077th. He says "I do one thing at a time, I do it well, and then I move on." Charles soon falls behind as the wounded pour in and the other doctors have to tell him to speed it up. Hawkeye tells him that what they do is like "meatball surgery".....you just save their lives, patch them up. You glue them together the best you can, just enough so they make it. Someone else will worry about making it pretty when they get to Tokyo.

I always thought to myself that after the war, Charles was probably the type of surgeon that a major hospital would want. But in that crisis moment, the person you need is Hawkeye.

So, somehow, my approach to work, and to life in general has become more Hawkeye than Charles. At times, it's great. But at other times it's really not helpful. My skills in the area of long range planning, big picture thinking are sorely lacking. I get bored when I have to sit still and do the slow, careful work.

Lately, I have found that this is actually beginning to get in the way. I'm actually uncomfortable when I have to stop, slow down, focus.....I'm like Oh just give me the memo and get out of my way and let me do my thing!

It feels as if I'm one of those stones that skim across the surface of the water. It looks really good at first, but at the end they sink to the bottom right?

I need to focus. I need to think, work, live deliberately. I need to take time to be in the moment. What do I want to be doing right now? Do I know, have I thought about it?

This bears more thinking, meditation, or prayer. But I needed to get these thoughts down now, while they're on my heart.

Transported

Snippets, pictures, moments
Like a collage in my mind
The radio plays
And I drive, on autopilot
I don't remember the trip
But I'm sorry it's over
Because I like where I go
When the radio plays

Ordinary

Sometimes I'm a afraid of ordinary
As silly as that sounds
Afraid of never flying
Of staying on the ground

I really thought there was more to me
The things that I would do
It's not that life is bad, you know
But is it really true

This day to day routine
As safe as it may feel
At times I think it's killing me
My soul that it will steal

I wanted to be amazing
To write, and sing and BE
I love my life, my family
I just need more of ME

So I'm afraid of ordinary
But the fault, it lies with me
Gotta be willing to shake things up
If you want your dreams to be

So take a risk, I tell myself
And put it on the line
And when I finally do it
The future will be mine

A Summer Moment In January

You heard this one a lot I'm sure
You surely knew the song
Heading to the lake perhaps
I'm sure you'd sing along

The summers that you spent
Your loved ones by your side
Smiling as you all piled in
Excited for the ride

Bare feet on the dashboard
We've packed our food and games
This our favorite season
We'll always feel the same

So, as I drive by I salute you
Since you're not really gone
You'll never be forgotten
As we take up the song

So shine your light upon us
Our sky still blue and clear
Well think of you in summer
And all throughout the year

I wrote this one in January, 2011 on a cold winter night on the way to a friend's house. I was driving by a cemetary in Grafton, Mass. A song came on the radio, I think it was actually "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company. For some reason the song made me think of summer, and riding around in the car on the way to the beach or a lake to swim. I glanced over at the headstones and all of a sudden I had this overwhelming feeling. I thought to myself, you all probably knew this song. Maybe you had your girlfriend, wife, or hubby in the car one day, and this song came on and you sang along. I could suddenly picture the entire scene, with someone's car all packed up for a day in the sun, off to meet friends and have a good time. I glanced back over at the headstones and said, out loud in the car, "The people you loved have those memories, so you're not really gone. I salute you." It was a very strange moment. I don't know anyone buried in that cemetary and I don't know why the moment struck me the way it did. But I do know as I drove the last few yards my headlights hit the shining headstones and a group of them lit up a bright red, like they were on fire. Just a trick of the lights, you know? But it felt as if those souls knew I'd acknowledged them, like they were waving at me or saying thanks. I can't explain why I felt the way I did, but it was a moment that will stay with me. That's why I wrote the poem.

Everyday Life

You know, sometimes I really think everyday life is just so......uncivilized. What sense is there in running from one place to another, always rushing? It feels like my life is patterned after that stupid rabbit in Alice in Wonderland who is late and is a nervous wreck trying to get where he's going.

To a certain degree, I do this to myself. I need to make a point of not overdoing it. I say YES to too many things. I "help" some people in my life way too much - to the point where they lean on me instead of acting independently and doing things for themselves. I need to work to let go of the guilt and let them do their own thing. Help yes, but do for - no. I am doing too much for some of the people in my life and this prevents them from building independence and learning how to handle things on their own. And I get overwhelmed and become a complaining bitch, my usual reaction to being overtired or in pain.

Today I had the experience of someone who relies on me 100% lashing out and criticizing me for the way I run things around the house and some recent decisions I've made. At first, I was really angry and came very close to saying everything I've held back for a very long time. Then I realized - I let this person lean so heavily and I never encourage them to handle their own affairs. I just keep enabling them, and they stay weak. So, the person is so comfortable that they decided to pick me and my decisions apart and give their opinion on how I should do things.

I got into this mess by feeling guilty. Well - no more. I love my family and friends but there are some things about my everyday routines, both personally and professionally that are not working for me. Physically, I'm............well, lets just say that my arthritis is sending very loud messages lately to take better care of myself. That means less stress, more rest, and time for my exercise, these are the things that help me manage my condition. Mentally, I am becoming frazzled which always makes me forgetful. I'm dropping the ball....forgetting to do things and doing a half-assed job on the things I remember to do. And spiritually - forget it. I haven't prayed or meditated in longer than I care to remember. I used to meditate so much that I had actual visions during my meditation and now I can't even recall the last time I bothered.

I love the people in my life. My family and friends are such a blessing. But I can't keep going this way. I need to get off the hamster wheel. I don't know what specific changes I need to make. But I know I need to slow down, both physically and mentally. To paraphrase Thoreau, I need to "live deliberately" and not fly around by the seat of my pants anymore.

I don't even know who this bedraggled, boggly-eyed old fart is who stares back at me in the mirror at the end of the day. I know she's not me. I need to get ME back.

Now that I think about it, that's my New Year's Resolution for 2011. To get ME back. I think if I do that it'll make for a happier me and as a nice bonus that will be better for the people around me who love me, so it's a win-win.

I want to live my life, not survive it. I am going to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I'm going to say NO sometimes. I'm going to do things that work for me and gently tell the people in my life that this is what is going to happen.

I am getting ME back. After all, I have a great life with great family and friends. I think it makes so much more sense to really enjoy it by keeping what works and not keeping what doesn't.

See, experience, breathe, fly free

Hopelessly unsophisticated. Haven't seen a thing. Does what she's supposed to. Always. Ends up playing it safe. Wants to fly but won't risk it. The words and music, they don't just play all the time like they used to. You're even thinking of giving it up - convincing yourself you were never a writer, a poet to begin with. Is that because it's easier to give up? The world is a huge, amazing place. But I'm always walking up and down the same street.

If I could keep the people I love close to me but take every other aspect of my life, throw it all away and just start over. Clean. New. Naked. Like a baby, with all those possibilities ahead of me.

What are you waiting for? Hello, are you getting any younger? You keep saying you want to be AMAZING. You want to live fearlessly.

You're also known for saying if you want something to change, get off your ass and change it.

So........

My Experience In a Feminist World

When I was a little girl, my mother, like most moms in those days, did not work outside of the home. I looked at my mother and my memere and I knew. I just knew exactly who and what I wanted to be. I could picture it, my little kitchen, husband and kids. I wanted to be just like my mother. I wanted to take care of my family. And so I grew up taking for granted that life would deliver just such a future.

The things I picture in my "if I won the lottery dream" to this day? A small, modest home with a bright open kitchen. My time is my own. I take care of my family, and have a wonderful meal waiting for them each day, like my mother did for us. I can take the time to spend with my children and our relatives when they need something. I am able to spend time at the gym and in meditation. I volunteer at church and in the community. When my arthritis is acting up, I can take a day of rest - any time I need it. I don't picture million dollar homes, expensive cars or trips overseas. Just a small, neat, warm home here in Millbury and a life where I can finally take proper care of my home, my family, and myself. This is my dream life.

I love my husband. I love my family. I love my life. But frankly, there's too much of it for me. Juggling rheumatoid arthritis, a full time job, and running a household and all the other "family building" responsibilities is just an awful lot sometimes. I can do it, so far. Hell, I can even do it well. I can get promoted and make a pretty decent salary for a gal with a high school diploma who hasn't finished her Bachelor's yet. Unfortunately, to me it feels as if I'm doing a half-assed job of it, and I'm tired of feeling like a hamster, running and running but never getting anywhere.

When hubby and I were first together, we discovered that keeping a household together was tougher than we thought it was. Money was tight. And of course, we were brought up after the sexual revolution, so all my feminist sisters had made certain that there were plenty of places in the workforce for us gals. So off to the workforce I went. Even after the 2 boys came and we had babies at home.

While my amazing mother-in-law enjoyed the wonder of my sons every day, I marched off to cubicle world. Ticky-ticky typie.....sitting at the computer. Finances were still tight, so I looked for bigger paychecks. I got better and better at figuring out what the bosses wanted and feeding that to them. I accidentally made a career out of it - hey - look over there - that job will bring more money in - I think I'll teach myself to do that. Bingo! Instant Manager - Just Add Coffee!!

And I can say that I have had the good fortune to work in many wonderful companies and had lots of great co-workers and bosses. So, despite the fact that I always felt like I was behind, both at work and at home, and it felt like I was perpetually exhausted I kept telling myself that "it would all pay off someday." I'm glad, and honored to be able to provide for my family. And so I kept plugging along. After all, my feminist sisters had worked hard to pave the way for me - so I should be grateful that I can have all this. Right?

OK, no. Wrong. While I will agree that I worked for several good companies, learned a lot, and provided for my family I will say, unequivocally that I am one of those few women who frankly did not, do not and will not, EVER "want" to have it all. Frankly, I feel as if those of us who cherish the old fashioned values got left behind and forgotten. Society was so radically changed that people like me whose God given gifts and talents clearly belonged in the home ended up hiking up the pantyhose, putting on the suits and heels and marching off with everyone else.

When I brought up to my hubby, relatives, friends and doctors that I was tired and upset from trying to do all this, and that it was wrong - for me and for my children - all I ever got was awkward stares and silence. It became abundantly clear that people wanted me in the role they were used to - responsible and reliable. I don't blame them really. It was just the expectation - everyone worked outside the home, what was my problem?

It's not any one's fault, really, except perhaps mine. I had no idea that once you sign up for cubicle world, you create a web you can't get out of. If I had, I'd have fought much harder.

I've made a success of it. I was a supervisor for 13 years and now I'm an account manager, and finishing my degree. I've competed both personally and professionally with completely healthy people while balancing a full time job and running a household with R.A. for 20 years. I have a family and friends that love me. I like the company I work for and I like my job.

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish that when women's lib happened - and all those gals got to have their dreams and join the workforce, I wish that we had kept the mother and homemaker role as important, too. I wish we'd continued to value it and let women know it's a good option too. So that young couples starting out having trouble can know that it's worth fighting for the old values and to try and find options.

This isn't about poor me. It's not about being bitter for not getting what I wanted - hell I've always hated whiners. Like I said, I've made a success of my life and I'm proud of that. What this IS about is to STAND UP and say something. It's to say to young women - "Hey! You! Before you decide who you want to be and what direction you want to go in, spend some time in prayer and really think. And for some of you, if you think that keeping a home and raising your kids is where God is calling YOU to be then you FIGHT for it. There's nothing wrong with that as a choice."

So, congrats to all of my sisters out there who are V.P's and CEO's and loving it. Congrats, authentically. It's beautiful that you got to be who you really are. Heck, the way my accidental career has gone, I may even catch up to you in a couple of years. And for those of you who made financial and personal sacrifices to be at home, congrats to you too, sister. I think society needs some of each of you. Lets make sure we all help and encourage each other to be who we REALLY are and not some ideal of who society says we should be.

You know....sometimes....

It's frustrating when folks feel the need to comment on the way I'm living my life. Don't get me wrong, I have an open mind, so if I'm being a complete putz, I do hope my family and friends will be honest and say something. But that's not the type of situation I'm talking about.

What frustrates me is the really over the top personal comments about my marriage or my finances and how we choose to handle things that really make me crazy.

Truthfully, I would never consider, in my wildest dreams, to comment on these categories to another person. Not even my three best friends, whom I trust with my life and for whom I'd walk to hell and back, will ever hear me criticize their relationship or how they're running their life. If someone in my life asks me for honest advice, or if they're about to really hurt themselves, of course I'll open my mouth. When I do, it's with gentle input that is aimed at helping the person - not in a way that's hurtful or critical. And I would never assume that I know everything about a situation and judge someone, because I'm not there, walking in their shoes, no matter how much I think I know about their situation. They're doing the best they can, no one gets up in the morning and says "Gee - I think I'll totally f*&$ up my life today!"

I don't want to play the poor me violin here, because as people who know me can attest, I've never had much patience with people who whine, complain and air their ailments and problems constantly.

But sometimes I really get TIRED of this. Really, I think I do OK. I get up every day, I go to work, I do my best. I try to find ways to get promoted so my family can have enough money for our home and everything. We try and make sure our relatives here in the family building are OK. I go to the gym and try to eat in a healthy way. I work with my rheumatologist to try and keep the progression of my R.A. at a slow pace, so I don't lose too many capabilities too quickly while also trying not to have to swallow a pharmacy every morning. I keep our checkbook and manage all the finances and pay the bills and handle all of the tax related paperwork. I'm the main contact for all paperwork for my father-in-law at the nursing home, and for both my brother and sister-in-law's disability and health insurance paperwork. I try to keep up with the housework around here.

And really, I don't mind any of that. I mean, OK, yes there are days when I feel like "Are you kidding? I know 100% healthy people who don't do all of this!" But then I think "Stop whining you silly b&t*h, and be thankful for what you CAN do every day." It really only gets to me when people cut me up and imply that I should be doing better.

Could my house be cleaner? Yes. Have I ever paid a bill late because I was so busy the due date passed before I had time to pay it? Yes. Have I ever forgotten to make a phone call, put in an Avon order or catch up with something or someone? Yes. Do I wish we had a bit more disposable income to update things around the house that need it? Yes. Does my bathroom, right now as I type this need to be scrubbed? Yes.

Having said that, I am very thankful for my life. I have a good marriage - one that has survived both good and difficult times. My honey and I have been through a lot and having him to come home to every night is so wonderful. We have two wonderful sons who we are proud of. We have a nice warm house to come home to and enough to eat. We live in this great country and can worship as we please every Sunday. We both have good jobs. I have amazing, loyal friends.

So maybe I could be handling this better. But I am doing the best I can and I am satisfied with that.