Everyday Life

You know, sometimes I really think everyday life is just so......uncivilized. What sense is there in running from one place to another, always rushing? It feels like my life is patterned after that stupid rabbit in Alice in Wonderland who is late and is a nervous wreck trying to get where he's going.

To a certain degree, I do this to myself. I need to make a point of not overdoing it. I say YES to too many things. I "help" some people in my life way too much - to the point where they lean on me instead of acting independently and doing things for themselves. I need to work to let go of the guilt and let them do their own thing. Help yes, but do for - no. I am doing too much for some of the people in my life and this prevents them from building independence and learning how to handle things on their own. And I get overwhelmed and become a complaining bitch, my usual reaction to being overtired or in pain.

Today I had the experience of someone who relies on me 100% lashing out and criticizing me for the way I run things around the house and some recent decisions I've made. At first, I was really angry and came very close to saying everything I've held back for a very long time. Then I realized - I let this person lean so heavily and I never encourage them to handle their own affairs. I just keep enabling them, and they stay weak. So, the person is so comfortable that they decided to pick me and my decisions apart and give their opinion on how I should do things.

I got into this mess by feeling guilty. Well - no more. I love my family and friends but there are some things about my everyday routines, both personally and professionally that are not working for me. Physically, I'm............well, lets just say that my arthritis is sending very loud messages lately to take better care of myself. That means less stress, more rest, and time for my exercise, these are the things that help me manage my condition. Mentally, I am becoming frazzled which always makes me forgetful. I'm dropping the ball....forgetting to do things and doing a half-assed job on the things I remember to do. And spiritually - forget it. I haven't prayed or meditated in longer than I care to remember. I used to meditate so much that I had actual visions during my meditation and now I can't even recall the last time I bothered.

I love the people in my life. My family and friends are such a blessing. But I can't keep going this way. I need to get off the hamster wheel. I don't know what specific changes I need to make. But I know I need to slow down, both physically and mentally. To paraphrase Thoreau, I need to "live deliberately" and not fly around by the seat of my pants anymore.

I don't even know who this bedraggled, boggly-eyed old fart is who stares back at me in the mirror at the end of the day. I know she's not me. I need to get ME back.

Now that I think about it, that's my New Year's Resolution for 2011. To get ME back. I think if I do that it'll make for a happier me and as a nice bonus that will be better for the people around me who love me, so it's a win-win.

I want to live my life, not survive it. I am going to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I'm going to say NO sometimes. I'm going to do things that work for me and gently tell the people in my life that this is what is going to happen.

I am getting ME back. After all, I have a great life with great family and friends. I think it makes so much more sense to really enjoy it by keeping what works and not keeping what doesn't.