What do I want to be when I grow up?

Hmmm.

I'm happy that I went back to finish my degree. But.....spending time and money on a business degree implies that this is really what I want to be when I grow up. (Yeah I know, I'm 46) It was OK to be in the business world for the last 25 years when frankly my entire career has been a combination of getting noticed for my work ethic coupled with a few happy accidents. For some reason now that I have to consciously CHOOSE this and spend money and effort, I'm balking........getting all existential - what I am I supposed to be doing.....etc? Why am I here? Is there something more I should be doing? Is this cubicle surfing all there is of me?

What is my problem? I didn't think anything of it all those years when the boys were little and I realized I was getting noticed and bid for various higher level jobs so we could try and balance our budget. I have a great job that I do like, with really cool people, people I enjoy working with. I keep asking myself why I can't just accept it with grace and be happy, and thankful for it. Get up every day and do it and be happy because it allows you to provide for your family.

Instead, for some reason since I've gone back to school, I keep questioning everything. I think that it goes back to one thing. I ended up in the business world accidentally. There was no family business, no inspiring example or specific job I was passionate about. High School was over and there was no money for college, so I needed to work. A family friend helped me get a job in the filing room of an insurance company and that was it.

I met my husband a couple of years later. We needed to provide for our children, and our budget wasn't working. So, I worked hard. This allowed me to bid for higher jobs. The pattern has continued. I've done really well for just a high school diploma. I've worked for some great companies and worked with some amazing people. Right now, I have a very nice job that I enjoy. I like my co-workers.

But ............ I question. Now that I am going back to finish my degree I keep feeling like something is wrong. It's like I'm finally stopping - finally coming up for air after 25 years of being on autopilot. Doing my duty. Do well - work hard, it'll pay off. And now that I'm sucking in that big gulp of air and re-evaluating I realize that I don't know if the business world is where I belong.

Yes I can survive here. I can do well. I can provide for my family. My company is good and my co-workers are awesome, they rock and they inspire me every day. But I've been cubicle surfing for a quarter of a century here, people!

WHAT THE HELL DO I REALLY WANT TO BE DOING? And if the Lord blesses me and my arthritis allows me to work until retirement, is this what I want to be doing? What about my writing? What about my lifelong wish to work for and really make a difference at a non-profit? What about the book I want to write, collecting stories of real Americans all over the country and getting published? What about all that? What about being amazing? What about that?

If I'm going to work another 20-25 years, if I am going to finance my own education, if I'm going to not drive myself crazy with all these questions, I think I need to figure out what direction I really DO want to go in.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I stay on autopilot I'll wake up old one day and look back and have regrets, about never fulfilling my potential.

No, I'm not going to go give my notice at work. I have too much responsibility for that! But I am going to spend some time this summer reflecting on what direction I want to go in for the next part of my life and create a plan for that. The job I am in now is a very good place to be while I reflect on that. So I'm not going anywhere right this minute - that's how I got into this situation, right? By moving forward on autopilot without thinking, without a plan. NO. This time I will think, pray, meditate, and research and figure out how to move forward and where I'm going anyway. In the meantime, I will give my boss and my coworkers and customers 110% because they are great people who give that much every day and they deserve nothing less.

I envy people who know/always knew what they wanted. I'm currently reading "North by Northwestern" by Sig Hansen. He amazes me. He knew he wanted to be a fisherman from the time he was a boy. He set out to do it, and he did it. And it's amazingly difficult, but he is exactly where he wanted to be, right where he belongs and because of that he is AMAZING at what he does. I want some of that. I sure as hell didn't know what I wanted when I was 12, and apparently I still haven't got a clue. But even if I take 40 years or so longer than Sig to figure out what I do want to do, I am going to figure it out, pay my dues, and be AMAZING at my destiny, too.