Triggers, Walls and Presence

I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately, about where the line is to be drawn. I've been contemplating that there are two extremes here.

The first is where you live only for other's expectations and/or an external set of rules. That becomes your validation of "self." I'm familiar with this one. There was a time when Catholicism, being a wife, being a mother, my ideas of how to be a "good person", fitting in, not rocking the boat, being a good 9-5er, and generally keeping people around me happy so I would know I was "OK" were my benchmarks for life and who I was. The danger here is that you become invisible, there is no "you" in your life and although you put a pretty picture out there of "I'm fine" the vast majority of the time you are far from fine.

The other extreme comes after you've faced a few things. You've dealt with some hairy shit, and you've come out the other side. You're feeling pretty good about yourself, and there's a sensation of having paid your dues in some way, whether you admit it or not. You've faced up to and owned all of your own crap. You've fallen on your face spectacularly and you survived. You begin to recognize and embrace your own good qualities, talents and creativity. Regardless of how you get to this point, and what tools and methods you use to help you, many of us then come to the "what to leave in/what to leave out" moments. In other words, you've changed in huge ways, and it becomes painfully obvious that there are some situations and relationships in your life that no longer fit, and they feel the same as wearing the wrong size clothes. It can be your job, your marriage, a friendship, your workout routine, your hair style, your car, old habits....anything. A lot of the time, it will be several things at once.

So, you learn to navigate those decisions and the strange happy/sad that releasing what is stale or a drain on you brings. You are simultaneously happy at the weight being lifted off of you, and sad at the ending of something that has been a part of you. This is difficult but it is truly a good thing. After this you become more conscious about your time and energy. You naturally gravitate toward people and situations that are on the same wavelength as you, and you're amazed because they seem to gravitate toward you, too! Beautiful synchronicity seems to follow you. I don't know about anyone else, but when this first happened to me it was such a rush! It still happens all the time and I never get tired of it. You also keep your distance from what doesn't work for you, and you get adept at having healthy boundaries in your life. You say yes and no with equal comfort and you get more practice at living from authenticity and not from misplaced guilt.

So far, so good!

The challenge comes when your healthy boundaries become walls. You see, it starts to feel really good to only go out and play and truly engage with people and situations that feel comfortable, that are a great match for you. The rest you filter out, and limit your interactions. Why do you need that shit, you reason to yourself? This is healthy for me. The less contact the better because if you let that stuff back in, you'll be triggered. If you're triggered, you'll feel uncomfortable. You don't like uncomfortable, this is to be avoided at all costs. If that happens, you'd have to ask yourself why that's bothering you and maybe have to face the fact that you do indeed have some emotions and habits that are speaking to you. You'd have to figure out what the message was. None of that sounds like much fun, so you slam the door. When things outside of your personal truth try to come close, you do whatever you have to do get rid of them. Dismissed! I'm beyond this!

For a few weeks now, this scenario has played out for me a few times. I've been in the position of being "dismissed" by other folks, usually in minor everyday conversations. In each situation, they clearly didn't mean anything personal, they just didn't have the bandwidth for where I was at in that moment, so they fluffed me off. I was finding myself extremely triggered by these situations, and have been extremely angry and defensive each time.

It is an annoying fact that when something is really pushing my buttons, there is a strong message for me there. Today,I finally sat down and asked myself why this was happening lately and why it was triggering me. I wasn't exactly overjoyed with what I realized when it first became clear.

The truth is, I've been doing exactly the same thing to other people. With people I consider "kindred souls" I am very comfortable, and walking in my integrity as the person I choose to be seems easy. With other people, with whom I'm not on the same wavelength, old defensive programming gets triggered. My need for validation kicks in, my desire to stay comfortable, and my need for safety. I'm so busy running old programs I can't really see the other person and I lose my self awareness. I can see that I was definitely slamming that door on people, too. I've been just as dismissive with some people who challenged my truth just by their daily modus operandi as the people who pissed me off were with me.

I'll sum this up with.......ugh.

I am blessed to know several people who have gift of simply holding space and being present for another person. They do this without any personal expectation for themselves, and there is no need for me to change or qualify for their presence. I can be exactly who and where I am right now, and I am accepted and even celebrated for it! It is a beautiful example of unconditional love. It's a game changer.

Holding these two very different ways of being next to each other really got me thinking. So, what's so bad about being uncomfortable? This time around, uncomfortable was a dear friend who had a really great lesson to impart to me, and I'm glad I sat and listened. Is it really realistic to think we should never be unhappy or uncomfortable? Does our belief system, our balance, our personal integrity really have to go unchallenged for us to not lose our shit? So, alright, a few conversations lately got me unhinged. I felt judged. Then I realized I was judging. Ah! Light dawns.....

So I'm back to precious balance, stasis, equilibrium. It will be challenged again, for sure. There's always something. It might feel like a sliver or a mosquito bite, or it may feel like losing a limb, but I know the lessons and changes don't stop rolling in. I'd like to think I'll be less resistant to the lesson the next time, but as I'm writing this I'm aware that which of my buttons is being pushed at the time has a lot to do with that!

I'm walking away from this with the knowledge that I do have some solid skills for keeping healthy boundaries, and honestly saying yes and no with firm compassion. I know that I won't be going back to the days when I operated only on what others filled me with in any given moment. Having said that, I know I'm not here to stay behind my comfortable walls, only hanging with people and in situations that "feel good." That's not life and it's not love, not for me. I think this is about having love and compassion for myself, and acceptance for exactly where I am at right now. Because if I can give that to myself, then I open up space within me. And that space that I'm lovingly holding for myself and my goals and dreams? There is more than enough of it, so I can hold that space for others, too. I can be present for them, and give that gift that has been given to me. The energy just keeps going around in this delicious circle.

There it is, that's it. That's what I came to do.

Goddess bless, what a beautiful day it is.

Thanks for reading me babies, love to you all.