Not Flawed

The first thing I want to say, is that this is not being written from the point of view of a victim, or from a “poor me” standpoint. This is being written from a place of power. Yes, power. Because there is power in knowing exactly who you are, and in facing your situation head on. Not shrinking back and hiding, regardless of the situation you’re in, standing firm in your personal power, even when you don’t know the outcome, that’s where I have chosen to make my dwelling place.

Sometimes in life, we can get so accustomed to keeping the status quo in place that we forget what we were actually doing in the first place. You’re just keeping those balls up in the air, like a juggler. And most of your effort and energy goes into that effort, you can’t let any of them fall. The trick though, more than keeping all those balls up in the air, is not to lose track of yourself in the process. You can’t let keeping all those balls in the air become all that you’re about.

I recently got diagnosed with ADHD. This was the result of approaching my doctor for help after things at work got really difficult for me, despite the fact that I was twisting myself into a pretzel every day to do a good job. And it’s interesting how this came about. Having difficulty with work performance, never quite being able to excel, feeling like a fraud in every job I’ve ever had, these are not new themes for me.

I’ve had so many jobs over the years, some easier than others. And although I’ve done alright in many of them, there has been an ongoing theme. Jobs that were easier, with less demands were simpler for me. I could work at my own pace. I was never the star employee, and often was “just okay.”

I longed to be able to do more, the way I saw everyone else around me doing. The tougher jobs have always resulted in major struggles. Being called on the carpet by people at all levels who simply don’t have the time or patience to deal with those who can’t deliver excellence on the spot – yeah, I’ve been there a few times. I still can’t look at a jar of Welch’s grape jelly without practically breaking out in hives. It’s a good story, really, hit me up for a coffee some day and I’ll tell you.

This was coupled with my stellar career planning. Basically, I would look around and see a job. Said job would be at a higher pay grade than I was in at the time. I would say to myself “That would really make things better at home. I’ll go do that.” I’m not kidding you when I say I put absolutely zero thought beyond that into any job I have gone for over the years. I thought I was supposed to, it was the right thing for my family. Some jobs have worked out better than others, and several, though difficult, have been true blessings despite how tough they were.

I shared with my doctor how I was tired of this happening to me over and over, ending up in situations where I just couldn’t cut it, but couldn’t figure out why. And it happened in my personal life too. I’d drop the ball on things I promised to do, like pay something or make a phone call. I couldn’t seem to tackle things that seemed to involve lots of paperwork very effectively. Did I mention that for years I was in charge of our bills and finances?

This is how my doctor ended up screening me for ADHD and my receiving a diagnosis. In the weeks since that happened, I have spent a huge amount of time reading about ADHD. I have learned how it often manifests quite differently in girls and women as opposed to the very active, physical version people see in boys and men. Women with ADHD are much more prone to the “inattentive” version, characterized by forgetfulness, being easily distracted, disorganized, daydreaming, difficulty in following simple instructions, getting bored easily, and starting multiple projects without finishing them.

I'm beginning to understand why some projects and assignments have been so hard for me. It makes sense now, why some things seem so impossible to tackle. There's a reason behind missing deadlines and forgetting important things, even with a list. What list, I usually lose it. Or when I find a great work-around that helps me finish something, it inevitably takes longer than people want it to. Now I can see why I frustrate so many people so much! People get the impression that you're sloppy, that you really just don't care, that you aren't giving your best. In reality, you're working incredibly hard and every day you're rewarded with "Yay! You're mediocre!"

Because of women so often being motivated to make things right for others, women with ADHD tend to work very hard to find ways to make things okay as far as these symptoms they are dealing with every day. We tell everyone we’re fine, we read self help books, we minimize when asked about upsetting situations. We take the blame. When I read an article about the amazing work-arounds women with ADHD were instinctively finding in order to be able to accomplish things their own way, I was floored! I’ve been doing that my entire life, without knowing why it was happening. As far as I have always seen it, I had these built in flaws. I have always worked my ass off to find ways around them.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at age 50 is eye-opening. I’ve done such a great job being a yes-woman in so many ways, that some people who are very close to me couldn’t understand the diagnosis and still can’t see it. How many other people with ADHD are walking around saying “I’m fine” and convincing the people in their lives that that’s the case? Just thinking about that knocks me over. There are so many of my own behaviors that make sense now. Wow.

I can’t stress enough the difference it makes to know this. To find out that I do not actually just intrinsically suck at a very basic level changes just about everything I’ve ever believed about myself.

Knowing that there has been a reason behind so many of the things that have happened is HUGE. I’ve walked around for my entire life with this “knowledge” that I just had certain shortcomings. I have consistently been very hard on myself for not being able to correct them.

It’s really kind of cool now. I don’t have to have this armor up. I don’t have to pretend I have it all together. I don’t have to feel defensive about the things I haven’t done well. And I can finally let go of the “I want to be like everyone else. I want them to like me” that came from all of those times that I knew I didn’t fit.

So many things in this world are set up for those who CAN think in a focused, logical way and I don’t fit into that. Not only that, but guess what? That’s perfectly alright. There really is a peculiar, completely unexpected sense of freedom in this discovery.

There are two categories of medications for ADHD. I’ve discovered in the last several weeks that due to other conditions and meds I have going on, I am unable to take either of them. So I will be treating this without the help of big pharma. I’m doing research on diet, vitamins and supplements and habits and tactics that have worked for others. There are even iPhone apps for people with ADHD, with built in alarms to go off and remind you of things, I haven't downloaded any yet, but I'll take a look. Why not?

I really wanted to write this because I want other people with ADHD to know it’s okay. You can talk about it. Just because we think and process and work differently than the average person, this doesn’t make us wrong or flawed. We owe it to ourselves to love, embrace and celebrate who we are.

For me, I’m going to fully embrace the fact that I am unable to chemically alter myself to make me more like everyone else. It’s not an option for me, and so I’m going to run with that. There are so many things that I AM good at. I’ve got lots of talents and abilities, and I know they fit somewhere. It’s alright with me that I’m put together this way. It means that I’m supposed to find ways to really flaunt and enjoy the way I am and work with that every day. So, that’s the plan.

So, this blog entry is for everyone out there with ADHD and for the people who love them. We DO fit. We ARE NOT flawed. Whatever path you and your loved ones take in order to work with your diagnosis, that’s the right path for you. That’s not going to be the same for all of us.

Some of us will take medications, some won’t. Some will see counselors, some won’t. Some will embrace tactics that help us in our everyday lives, and some won’t. Whatever you choose to do, just make it what works for YOU. Pay attention to what works for you. Speak up and advocate for yourself. Have a voice. It’s alright if we do things differently. We’re wired differently, and that’s okay.

You’re beautiful. We all are. ADHD is one aspect of who we are. It doesn’t define us, but it does give us the opportunity to look at life from a completely different perspective. Let’s take that and see what we are meant to be in this world. Let’s rock this. Yes, we can.