Thoughts On Parenthood

I'm a voracious reader.  I love memoirs, I really like reading about real people, and what led them to who they are today.  We are all so very different, and yet, not really.  But that's a writing that we'll pick up another day.  At any rate, lately, I've read a lot of things that got me thinking about parenthood.

When I read about some of the experiences that people had growing up, it stops me in my tracks.  The things that we, as parents, can do to our kids....when I'm reading a memoir and someone shares something,  I have to stop.  It doesn't matter how old the person is NOW....all I can see in that moment is the child, adolescent or young adult that they were, in that moment that they've just described.  I want to go find that child, hug him or her, tell them it's OK, that someone cares, and no, that wasn't right. As a parent, as a mom, I can't fathom that some of this takes place. I'm not being schmaltzy here, it actually hurts to read it.  But I do read it, because that happened.  It happened to a real human being. 

Sometimes I think, some people shouldn't be parents!  Then I realize - if that were the case, then the beautiful person they created wouldn't be here.  And no one is an accident, no one is cosmic junk.  So it doesn't matter how you got here, you're supposed to be here. I know this down to the fiber of my being.

Even really good parents, with the best of intentions, can give their kids plenty of baggage to walk around with.  For example, my parents were good, hardworking people.  They both had some difficult times as children, and the good times and the scars came with them into adulthood.  So, they did the best they could.  I had such a blast as a kid!  Wall to wall playmates, a safe, fun neighborhood, bikes, swimming, hot meals every night, watching Wonderful World of Disney every Sunday night at 7:00!   I had no clue how broke we were until much later.  And I'm a "reasonably well adjusted adult."  (Stop laughing, really!)  Mom and Dad had their own scars in the areas of friends, betrayal, fitting in, family, religion...and I'm not them but I do have their imprint.  I thank heaven every day for the gift that my parents were and are to me.  I still see them in some of the things I do every day, good things and bad things. Some things I took from Mom and Dad I am grateful for every day.  Other things I did in their image I've excavated and left behind, because they don't work for me now.  That's natural, and we all do that.  It's not an insult to them, it just means I'm a different person now. Mom and Dad, you had an awful lot to deal with and I love you every day for who you are.  I'm happy for who I am too.  You gave me strength and you showed me that you can get through things if you put your head down and just plow through.  Thank you.

Now that I'm a parent of adult sons, I sometimes "look" at our interactions from a birds-eye view, I play them back in my head and think about them.  Guess what?   Rob and I did the best we could to be good parents. We did some good things, and we made some mistakes.  And when I see my sons working through this thing called life, I can see them doing the same thing....keeping some things that they've inherited from Rob and I.  Other things, I can see them consciously discarding - "Fuck no, there's no WAY I'm going to ever do that."  And I can only smile.  You don't own your kids, they're a gift, you're watching and caring for this treasure and then someday you have to let it go.  Tell that to your heart.....! 

It's funny.  Before you have kids, you think things will go one way.  Once you've tried it out, you realize that you're still a flawed, screwball just trying to figure out how to get it right.  You want to do EVERYTHING right, but in the end - all you can do is the best you can in each moment, using what you've got to work with. And our kids will do the same thing. What a cycle....goes around and around, each generation passing things on to the next.  Beautiful and creepy at the same time, HA!

 I'm just grateful that I have/had the parents I did and that I have been able to be a mother.  I don't always get it right, heaven knows.  None of us get it right all the time.  But I do love my sons with everything that I am and I wouldn't trade one minute of  being a mom for anything.  I hope both my sons get to be a dad.  It'll be fun to talk about this again, maybe in 15 or 20 years!