On Reclamation

It’s happening at my pace. It’s happening gently.

One day, it might be finding the blessings in a traffic jam caused by road work. (Hey! Someone is spending money on infrastructure !) The next day, it might be finding a way to laugh and move on after a frustrating work situation.

Sometimes, reclamation is stopping myself as fear arrives to try once again to tell me old stories, stories that tell me to contract, to defend, to struggle, to try really hard, to push, and to exert control. I don’t have to believe those stories anymore, I can write new ones. Those frenetic, panic based tactics never brought any real results anyway. Why go back to that? In these moments of pause, reclamation helps me find the balance between the doing and the letting go, the being, knowing that all is well, regardless of outer appearances.

There have been many days when reclamation has been an opportunity to clear out and organize an area of my home. Tiny micro projects like gathering books to donate, or cleaning out my pajama drawer, and so many others. Did you know you can radically change your life in 20 minute increments? That’s what it feels like, as more and more of these blessing times arrive every day.
Reclamation comes in subtle choices, saying no to things that aren’t needed, or just don’t fit well. It comes in speaking with gentle, compassionate honesty that helps everyone instead of swallowing back the truth.

It breathes new life into everyday situations, as gratitude grows, and the mundane becomes a beautiful poem. It helps find space within to face my own failings with love, compassion and forgiveness, which allows me to more readily forgive others.
Reclamation is gratitude and taking the lessons from the past, but not living there. Reclamation is trusting the future but not obsessing that I’m not there yet. Reclamation is accepting, loving, living and enjoying THIS MOMENT.

I’m reclaiming my life. Nice and slow 🐢. At a pace natural to me. We can all choose differently, if we would like.

The Little Witch and the VERY BIG BAG

Once Upon A Time, there was a little witch. The little witch was known for carrying a VERY BIG BAG. She was always lifting the bag, dragging the bag, digging through the bag looking for things, and standing in funny positions because the bag was so very heavy.

Many times, her friends would say "You are a little witch. Why do you carry such a VERY BIG BAG?"

The little witch would tell them, "I must have all of things that are important to me close."

"Why?" They would ask."Why can't you leave some of them at your home, or in another safe place?"

And each time, the little witch would say, "Things change a lot, and I need to be ready."

"Like what things?" Her friends would ask.

"Anything, everything" she would tell them.

After a very long time, the little witch began to be very sore and really tired because of the VERY BIG BAG and not even her healing spells would make it better. She went to see a medicine woman. The wise, old one asked her "Why does the VERY BIG BAG make you feel safe?"

OH! The little witch had never realized. Is that what she was doing? She knew better than to accuse the wise one of nonsense. The wise one always told the truth. So she sat, and asked herself. DOES the VERY BIG BAG make me feel safe? She had to admit, it did.

She looked at the wise one, who met her gaze with her own smiling one. She told the old one "You are right. The VERY BIG BAG really DOES make me feel safe. I feel less nervous. I feel prepared."
The old one asked her, "Do you think you need ALL of those things to be ready?"

The little witch thought about it for a long while.

"No, she finally answered. Probably not all of them."

The medicine woman looked at her kindly, saying "The VERY BIG BAG is filled with many things. Some help you. Some do not. Some are ready to be let go of, or put away. The VERY BIG BAG is not helping you, it is holding you back. Do you understand?"

The little witch thought perhaps they were talking about much more than the VERY BIG BAG all of a sudden. But she smiled and simply said "Yes, I understand. Thank you."

As the little witch slowly walked home, dragging the VERY BIG BAG, she was very thoughtful.

By the time she got home, she had a VERY BIG SMILE on her face. The little witch dumped out the contents of the VERY BIG BAG. She looked at them, one by one, and remembered the stories and memories that went with each item. She laughed, she cried and she took her time doing this task. A few things she put aside. Some she put away in a special place in her home where she could find them if she needed to. Some other things, she gifted to others who needed them much more than she. Some she was able to let go of, she did not need them anymore, and so she put them in the recycling bin.

Then she took the small pile of things she had put aside, and placed them carefully in.....A CUTE LITTLE BAG. These things were carefully chosen. They would help her to be prepared and organized and ready, but they would NOT weigh her down. She put the CUTE LITTLE BAG on her shoulder and it didn't hurt at all! She felt very light and free, and she knew it was not just about the actual bag she had carried.

The next day the little witch went to THE PLACE OF UNITY. She liked it there, the people were so very nice, and welcoming. They worked so well together, helping one another. When she got there, the man with the beautiful smile said they were blessing bags today! She could not believe it! How perfect. There are no accidents, the wise one had once told her, and she knew it was true. The man with the beautiful smile and the lady with the shining eyes told everyone about how a bag packed with just what we need could be helpful when things were changing.

The lady with the shining eyes told a wonderful story about a starfish who learned about the many blessings that were right around her. The little witch loved the story so much! When it was her turn to go to the front, she brought the CUTE LITTLE BAG up with her. The man with the beautiful smile asked her what she would bring into the places where she would take the CUTE LITTLE BAG.

She answered "Trust and openness." She could choose to feel GOOD wherever she went, even when things were changing. The man with the beautiful smile gave her a blessing and some sparkles. Oh my, the little witch loved sparkles! And then, the lady with the shining eyes gave her a starfish pendant to remind her always of all the many blessings to be found right around her. She attached the starfish to the CUTE LITTLE BAG.

As the little witch walked back to her seat smiling and talking with the others, she was filled with joy. She knew that she was safe and ready no matter where she was in the world. She knew that there were beautiful people everywhere. She knew people will always help one another. She was excited and thought to herself "How fun! I'm ready!"

The little witch took her CUTE LITTLE BAG and went walking outside to enjoy a song with her new friends and enjoy the sunshine. And it was indeed a VERY GOOD DAY.

Feels Good

Every so often, you'll have one of those moments, where "click".....and understanding kicks in. It's almost as if it were with you all along, simmering below the surface. Perhaps glimpses of understanding have come through in cycles, but nothing really gelled together to truly make sense for you.

Then, all at once, you're just doing your everyday tasks, and you "get it."

I'm having that experience now, as far as how I relate to others, and more specifically, how I relate to myself.

Revelations are nothing new, especially this year. To say that 2018 has been filled with changes, unexpected events, beginnings, endings and lessons would be a vast understatement. I know that I'm not alone in that.

This morning the cat was lonely, so he made his way into the bedroom around 4:30. As I waited for him to quiet the extra loud love purr into something a tad more quiet, I was just patting his soft fur, and enjoying the quiet of the sleeping house and the sweet half light of the last few moments predawn.

I was just in a very floating kind of state, allowing my mind to drift where it would like. As this happened, I started to see quick little scenes of myself with others, and how I reacted. How I get insecure and embarrassed around the ones who always seem so amused at my deep life revelations, as if they've somehow had it all figured out for so long. The ones who attach their happiness to my coloring inside of "the lines." The times I replay situations in my head and wonder if things would have been different if I'd been more confident, or if I'd expressed myself differently. The many situations I have found myself in, where I was given and accepted a very tiny space to occupy and could never seem to make anything but mistakes; always doing too much of this or not enough of that. The times I swooped in to "rescue" someone, only to find us both in a mess, and the ones I tried to rescue or protect usually ending up weaker than ever because my involvement stopped them from facing their own crap. All of the dozens of "yeses" over the years that should have been "nos" when I didn't speak my truth for fear of making waves. The times I did say no when my heart was screaming yes. I was a champion of accepting the "terms" presented in a situation and rarely going in and working for a compromise more acceptable to everyone involved. Often, I never even spoke of my concerns in situations that I didn't like. And I rarely, if ever, walked away, or insisted on change, even when my physical, emotional and mental health were compromised.

The only clues to the fact that something wasn't working might have been those flashes of anger I could never figure out the source of, when I was just bitchy for seemingly no reason. I just chalked it up to "having people with mood swings in my family" and assumed I was the same.

As the kitty and I enjoyed the quiet together this morning, I realized that something had shifted. I found myself feeling very thankful for all of those lessons. It's not as if I have been surrounded by selfish pricks my entire life, haha! Not at all!! I have been blessed with a myriad of wonderful people in my life. The key has been in my relationship with MYSELF. I've really never given anyone a chance to operate any differently, because I tended so much to weigh ME based on the reflection I saw in others eyes. I was terrified to not see love and acceptance there, so I became the Yes Woman Extraordinaire. At some point, though, that becomes impossible to keep up. It's an incredibly difficult habit to break, being a people pleaser.

This year, especially the spring and summer, have been a time when 7 years of internal work and change have come to a head. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I love who I am. I respect myself and my needs. I know that the desires of my heart, and my creative impulses are a part of how I interact with the world, and are good and beautiful. I am learning, day by day, that uncomfortable conversations are a part of life, and I choose not to shrink back from them when they need to happen. I understand that just because something is a comfortable, familiar pattern, this does not mean it is healthy. I no longer need to sanctify nor vilify people or situations, I am free to experience them for what they are.

I am learning about these amazing new things. Perhaps you have heard of them. They are called B-0-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S. Ha! Such a new concept, and such a life changer. Instead of being the wall many think of them as, they are instead a skill set. The concept is actually very simple. A boundary, put simply, is a place where you care for yourself and keep yourself healthy by knowing when to say yes and when to say no to people or situations. By exploring your boundaries, and knowing where they are, you keep your energy levels high, you never question your own value, and you enter into situations with open eyes, ready to participate, because you have CHOSEN to be there. If you CHOOSE IT you have to own it. Boundaries teach you to choose mindfully! Interestingly enough, boundaries also help you to be closer to people, because your relationships are more authentic, and you are far more enthusiastic about what you do because you aren't spending time on what doesn't work for you. The part that is not so simple is practicing having boundaries when you formerly did not. It's a learned skill and I am in the baby stages.

Speaking of that, I think it's OK to be in the baby stages of learning something. I'm experiencing such a sense of freedom in letting go, both of other people's expectations, as well as all of the "shoulds" I put on myself. There's much that I'm good at. There are some things I'm quite the expert in. With other things, I'm a beginner. And that's alright. It would be amazing if we were all well read, always calm, adventurous, confident, great in bed, fabulous cooks, skilled in multiple arts, crafts, and modalities, and had the emotional maturity of Buddha, perfectly fit, financial wizards, the list goes on. But we aren't. Right now my mom, who is in her 70's is working on improving her self esteem and how she thinks about herself. Most wouldn't tackle that at her stage of life. But she is. And I think she's strong and beautiful and amazing for it. Wherever you are right now, it's good. I've given myself permission to work on what I choose, at my speed. The only person that needs to be OK with that is me.

That was a really long winded way of saying that finally, I love me. I like who I am. I accept and celebrate myself. I'm not worried about what others think of me. I choose not to be hung up anymore on what I "should have accomplished" by now and I am DONE comparing myself with others. I am going to follow my plan and take steps both magickal and mundane to do what I choose to do. At my speed. (Think Snapping Turtle :D)

If something isn't good for me, it's done. If something makes my heart sing it's in! If the energy is good, let's goooooooooooooo! If it feels like a root canal, see ya. If you feel like I'm difficult or hard to handle, or tough to love, it's alright if you exit. If I need to qualify or change to be with you, forget it. I'm doing my thing and the right people will stick around, and I am ready to enjoy walking together with them. I'm trusting my intuition, my body and my spirit within. I consider every experience I've had a blessing and I'm thankful for everything and every single person. Hard work, from here on in, is going toward the things I am drawn to do, the things I consciously choose. Now, it's time to run this my way. Finally, I am sovereign ruler over my own queendom. And it feels good.

The Oracle Priestess

Always, throughout the ages
They have come
Men, and also women
Seeking comfort
Begging for healing
From pain, the voices
The fog that obscures

And always
She is there
Healing
There is no conflict in her
This one sees them
Knows what is needed
Reveals to them their beauty and their horror

Wrapped and rapt
Lost in the gift of Her
She removes their garments of fear, confusion, and loathing
The fog in their minds departs
The barbs of endless, useless questioning
No longer required

They walk away
Comforted
Thoughts clear
They are never quite sure
If it was the curve of her waist, her thighs
The soft hair falling past her shoulders
The undefinable from within the depths of her eyes
Or the pulse from her heart place
That made it happen
In the end they don't care
The last thing they want to do
Is "solve" her

They only know
She is

And, they will be back

Except for the ones
For whom
The truth revealed
Cannot be embraced
These will revile her
Because hating her
Is easier than facing themselves

For Her
It matters not
She cannot, will not be other than herself
She bathes, as the Moonlight blesses her
Solitary in the beauty of the Sacred
Candles burn brightly
Incense rises
And She shines

Differently

Time and time again
You come to know
You love differently
You value people in such a vastly different way

Over and over
You think someone has really seen you
Until the day their demons come to call
And instead of facing them
They paint horns on you
And become someone you don't know
They condemn you for that which they can't face within themselves
Meanwhile, you only see their beauty
And your heart breaks again

Heartbreak sucks
Excruciating, every time

Until finally
Fucking finally
You realize it has to start with YOU
So you do the work
And face all the things
You let a lot of things go

You come to love yourself
Reveling in the truest love affair there is
The one between YOU and THE UNIVERSE

That helps you
You can love them where they are
Set your boundaries
And walk your path
No need to seek wholeness or fulfillment from without
No longer wondering where home is
This is peace

Never Play Small

Never play small
People get used to it
We sit, thirsty
Below a dripping faucet
While someone holds the handle tight
We delight in each little drip coming our way
So happy to get each one
But why?
Why do we do that?
We should be holding our own faucet handle
Drinking our fill as we see fit
We play paduwan
Hiding what we have and what we know
Why do we do that?
You see, the thing about playing small
Is that you can never get small enough
There are those who get used to it
They like taking over the space you aren't using
The energy of your "getting little"
It feels good to them
The worst part is this
You can never get small enough
You'll soon find they will crucify you
For taking up any space at all
And you will be asking yourself
What you've done wrong
How can you "fix it?"
The truth is
You've done nothing wrong
It's not you
So here's the thing
You damned well take up
ALL OF THE SPACE
That you were designed to by this Universe
To occupy
Be BIG
If you want to
BE LOUD
Never, ever water yourself down
For the approval of another
If your existence bothers them
Just by you being you
Then they aren't meant to be in your life
You are unique, beautiful and NEEDED
The full, unwatered down
Full strength
Quirky, fabulous you
You
With your spaz moments
Your contradictions
And all of the things you think
You need to hide
You don't need to hide a thing
BE YOU
Those who don't like it
Can find a different place in this big, beautiful world
One that isn't next to you

Line Drawn

I really cannot give you 

What you simply haven’t earned 

I reached out to you so many times 

And each time I got burned 

You stayed inside that little box 

And never truly saw 

The pain that you were causing me 

Your one true fatal flaw 

You see you’re beautiful in so many ways

You’ll always have my love 

But after a while I grew thick skin

Called out for help from above 

I finally learned to give myself 

The love you never could 

And now I walk in my own truth 

You’ll be my friend for good 

 But never again the gift to give 

The sacred now withheld 

My love requires special care 

In the end, my heart rebelled 

Again I’ve learned that broken 

Will open you and change your shape 

So difficult, but good and true 

Reworking my landscape 

I hold you no ill will

I wish you joy and light 

But I must live for myself now 

I’ve given up this fight 

STOP ASSUMING I DON’T CARE

ABOUT “INVISIBLE” CHRONIC ILLNESS 

(STOP ASSUMING I DON'T CARE)

I’m sharing this using my own words. There are a few versions going around. 

All I ask is that you read this all the way through. Please. Thank you.

There are many illnesses that people walk around with every day which are invisible to everyone else. 

There is a huge gap between the place where someone is diagnosed with one of these illnesses, and the place where they are considered “disabled“ by the government.

This means that there will usually be decades where the person walks around with the crushing fatigue and pain of a major illness, all while being expected by the rest of the world to compete with healthy people, to do what healthy people can do. 

At home and on the job, there is often the perception that perhaps these people are lazy, crabby, grouchy or bitchy, that they have a bad attitude, that they don’t care, that they are negative, that they don’t have any drive or ambition, or that they don’t want to do well.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth of the matter is that they’re using every bit of energy they have to be able to get up and shower and walk through the day and do tasks that you find so simple and take for granted.

Yes. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Celiac Disease, Sjogrens Syndrome, Reynauds as well as an anxiety condition. The Arthritis, Sjogrens and anxiety have historically been the ones that kick my ass. 

I am not sharing this for sympathy. And I’m not posting it just for myself. I’m posting it so that people might get an understanding.

The person that you run into every day who you maybe think has a bad attitude, is a subpar worker, or is just a bitch or a crabby old fuck… Maybe there’s more to the story than you realize. 

For people with “invisible” chronic illness, plugging themselves into the same expectations as a healthy person is one of the hardest things that they have to do every single day. It takes superhuman effort every day.

The truth of the matter is that for the proper care of their body they need about twice the amount of time off and rest that you do as a healthy person. But that’s usually not something that they’re able to get. There isn’t an amount of rest that’s going to “cure“ them. They are always going to need more downtime and rest than a healthy person. Always, for the entire time that they are living. And this customarily does not get better with age, it gets worse.

This is why so many of us will run around trying every imaginable thing for improvement. Medications, supplements, diets, meditation… Every possible option that comes down the pike. Something that lessens pain, gives more blessed rare energy, helps bolster the mood without 1,000,000 side effects. We will usually try them all. We spend an ordinate amount of time reading and researching trying to find ways to help ourselves.

Sometimes this comes across as being selfish or self focused. It isn’t that. It’s really just trying to find ways to meet the world’s expectations without feeling like you’re falling on your face every day.

So this is for everyone who deals with invisible chronic illness. I for one see you, even on those days when other people don’t. I know what you deal with every day. I know what it’s like for you to get up and do the things that everyone else takes for granted. 

I am very grateful for my life. I am surrounded by people that I love, even in the most peculiar and difficult of circumstances. I have goals that I work toward and that I am meeting. Amazing things happen to me all of the time… This weekend was a testament to that. Every day is a source of awe and wonder for me.

I’m not writing this to be negative. I’m writing it to build awareness. As you go through every day life just know that you probably know more people with invisible chronic illness then you realize. We are all around you, doing what we do. It’s so much more difficult than you could possibly imagine. So if we sometimes have a day when we’re not blowing sunshine up your ass,  please give us a pass. We really are trying our best. And we will continue to do so every day.

Thanks for listening.

One Who Sees

You used to think you were held down
And everything was sharp edges, walls and cages
You kinda liked the pain
It kept you alive
It was how you knew you weren't dead

So peculiar now
You don't need the pain
Who knew breathing in and out
Could happen without it
Almost didn't know what to do with it at first

Star stuff, pulling in what must come
Releasing what you can't carry, traveling light
There's no good or bad, dark or light, alone or together
It's all just here, you're finally owning your part in it
Conscious choices, and it's about fucking time
Owning your personal power and every last consequence

Once you figure out the horrible moments won't actually kill you
You're just so much less risk averse
What exactly were you waiting for? Permission? Guarantees? A map or guidebook?
One foot in front of the other baby
Eyes and heart open, spirit soars
You are One Who Sees

Whatever comes now
You're awake and dancing with it
Completely present
Life isn't happening to you
YOU are happening

What We Are Willing To Ignore

I find myself in an odd place this morning. This isn't a raving, angry political post. It's....a search to make sense of something.

A few weeks ago, I made a decision to stop having political conversations on social media. I decided that I would remain informed and do what I felt was best by taking action in the real world, instead of having keyboard fights and staying in the useless energy of fear and rage. I decided my actual involvement and action in the real world was what is key now, and not what I put on Facebook.

I am not sorry I made that choice, it is the right one for me. It still is. The peace of mind it has given me is absolutely worth it. And I'm already involved in several things I was not before, so I am happy to be taking concrete actions that I feel will help where I feel strongly about things.

The past few days, I have been really thrown for a loop by the reaction many people have had to Elizabeth Warren's reading of Coretta Scott King's letter and statement regarding Jeff Sessions.

I, too, think that the conduct of our politicians, and frankly of many of us (myself included at times) has been reprehensible as we scream, yell, label, libel, character assassinate, and worse. We have lost sight of working for the greater good of all. I, too, feel strongly that we must expect more of our elected officials - and ourselves.

However, there's something missing here. Jeff Sessions record, his actions and statements throughout his career are a matter of public record. He has been bypassed for appointments before by the Republican Party specifically because of this record.

This week, a white woman tried to read a letter written by a black woman that simply and clearly points out details of that record.

Suddenly, her actions are inappropriate, divisive, and wrong and must be censored.

When you stand out there for all the world to see and make who you are abundantly clear, consistently, for years, as Jeff Sessions has done, having someone simply point out what you have done is not inappropriate or divisive.

I think we really need to ask ourselves. What are we defending here when we need so desperately to shut these two women up?

It is not character assassination to simply state what someone has publicly done and said.

Racism. Sexism. Being so overwhelmed with all the conflict that we can let something like this go by, as long as we can have a few minutes of peace. Perhaps it is a mix of these factors.

I'm one of the people who has begged for peace of mind and an end to the conflict we have been in, since way before the election. I've even read articles by mental health professionals that say it is truly unhealthy for us all to be in this state of constant conflict, fear, anger and anxiety we have been living in.

I'll continue to avoid conflict on line as much as I can, because it drains me too much and I can't be of any use that way. That's my choice. I'll continue to focus on well thought out, constructive real world action for the highest good.

For me, that does not include ignoring what is right in front of my face. The truth doesn't change just because it makes me feel shitty. What we are willing to ignore says just as much about us as what we do and say.

Woman

And in those days
When truth became sedition
The people found
WOMAN would not be silent

She would not be shushed
Or convinced that her femaleness was only fulfilled
In silent submission
And decorative acquiescence

Instead
She spoke the truth with dignity and boldness
She backed it up with action
Action that built something lasting
It was good for ALL of the people
And for the beautiful land they lived in
She rolled up her sleeves
And did the work
People joined in
And it was good

She was sovereign unto herself
And so
WOMAN would not be silent
She was one
She was a multitude
And she changed the world

New Territory

I've been asked by a lot of people why "we" just can't "move on." People say "it's over, the people have spoken" and "why are you still so upset?"

OK. I've taken more than a week to try and gather my thoughts.

Like most of us, I've always had plenty of friends and relatives who did not agree with me on everything, whether it was political, social, religious/spiritual, or what. I never had an expectation of being surrounded by clones who only believe as I do, so that's fine. Diversity of ideas and ways of being and doing are beautiful.

For the most part, we have been doing great, because I know who you are, and you know who I am. Your differing beliefs, for those of you in my life anyway, were not harming anyone. No one I knew was persecuting anyone, or acting out in hate or supporting anyone who did.

Then this election happened. This isn't like any situation we have ever been in.

Look. I get it. You didn't vote for him because you personally are an advocate of any of hate, taking people's rights away, or anything else that harms people and endangers our environment. You were focused on the things he said he would do that would help you and your family.

But you see, he DID say those things, horrible, ugly things. And he has been and is continuing to surround himself with people who have dedicated years of their lives to taking actions that DO hurt people and endanger our environment.

I will not look past those things. I will not look past the comments aimed at Mexicans, people of color, the disabled, Native Americans, the poor, or LGBTQ. I won't ignore the way he speaks about women. I will not look away from the records the people he is surrounding himself with have as far as how they talk about and treat people.

People I love, and many more I have never met are scared, shocked and frightened. They have good reason. And I'm damned well going to have their backs, and stand with them, no matter what. Understand that right now. I choose this, consciously. For me, it is the only choice.

Some of my friends have spent a lifetime - A LIFETIME getting to the point where they felt that they were safe and that there might be some people and places where they are loved and accepted. Still others never experienced this.

Imagine that, if you can, that you are hated, vilified, and in danger every day because of who you are. What is that like? Many of us have never had to deal with that.

This is hard. Because I love you, you know? But these things, they speak to the very heart of who we are and what our inner integrity says about how we navigate our lives,

You tell me that you weren't saying those things are ok. But it is happening, right out there for all to see, and I guess you were ok with putting that aside. That's the part that I'm having such a hard time with right now. I don't know where to put it. How do I reconcile that with who I know you are?

What is happening right now is NOT ok. It is not ok. The line stops at me. And with millions of us who are not going to let people be treated this way.

So there it is. Please stop asking me to go home, be quiet, and stop being upset.

Everyone brings something to the table. Some will speak. Some will create shelter. Some will work to improve local, state or federal government. Some will heal. Some will pray. Some will donate. Some will advocate. Some will teach the children. Whatever part we play, we are not going away.

i wish no one ill will. I, and many like me, will be working through this non violently.

I still love you. But right now, this needed to be said.

Distraction and Illusion

What is this most peculiar feeling the last couple of days?  I feel it in the morning quiet. 

Spider greets me in the bathroom. She reminds me it's out there somewhere, on the web. Be still, she says, where is it that you feel the slight tugging on the web?

Ah. Yes.  I do feel it. It is not actually a something, after all. It is the ABSENCE of a thing. 

My dear old friends, distraction and illusion. They aren't here anymore. I sent them away. We used to hang out all the time. We were BFF's. They kept me from being right here, right now...in this moment, doing what I'm doing and feeling what I'm feeling. It was their job, and I loved it.

They were there every day to remind me that my truest life, and everything good was "out there somewhere" or attached to certain people or situations. The point they made was that it was never OK to be exactly in this moment. Here. Now. So right now, right here was not good enough, was powerless and had no value. And so was I, until I "got there."

I adored my best friends distraction an illusion. I loved having them around. I never really had to face right now. Because everything good was always in some nebulous future, I never had to put in the work and I never had to worry about failing. 

I had installed myself in the most ridiculous catch 22. I was always assuming that everything good was in the future, always holding the present moment in contempt, and always the in an endless cycle of striving to get to the "good stuff." And, the "next great thing" that was going to "change everything" kept switching out every few months as I discovered that instant gratification wasn't coming. It was miserable. 

Make no mistake. I've broken up with distraction and illusion before. But I've always ended up making the late-night panicked phone call and called them right back.

But not now. It's over. 

So this morning, as I sit in the morning quiet before getting ready for work, I am enjoying the space that is no longer filled by my old friends distraction and illusion.

 There is beauty, and power in this exact moment. I wake up every morning and I know what steps that I need to take to my goals. Most of the time there is not actually instant gratification. But, there is a quiet sense of purpose, a new understanding of my personal power, and a sweet peace that I haven't known in many years. I trust my path, I trust what's inside, and every day I'm doing the work of my life. I trust and love what is here in this moment, and I trust and love tomorrow.  I know what I'm building, where I'm going. I know why I'm here. 

Crooked little path, indeed. And I'm just loving it. 

Witchy Morning Musings

Good morning loves! I've awakened with some thoughts coming from the fog and I thought I would share them.

There was a time in the past when I used to think… I guess I'm not "that kind of witch." What kind of witch?  Let me explain. 

There are times when I felt very much like a fourth-grader, surrounded by so many great minds, and so much wisdom. I am not half as well read as many of my peers, despite the number of books I read. There is so very much I do not know, and see this as I move through my days. 

Even in the company of those who are like me, we who built an entire life for decades prior to finding this path, and are now walking this path while still managing and now inevitably changing everything we built… I notice a certain intellectual approach that I definitely don't have.

It's interesting to reflect on it now, because for much of the time over the past few years this was a point of worry for me. I will admit to a certain feeling of inadequacy.

Now?  No. I adore learning, experiencing, gaining knowledge and finding application for it in the day to day. I absolutely love the process of new knowledge coming to me, sifting through it, integrating what works and tossing the rest, like a giant delicious buffet.

Like the great blue heron, I stand in the water. The earth is reflected in the water's surface. When I see delicious gems come by, I quickly devour them, without delay. The things that I ingest can be quite varied, and cover a wide range of subjects. This watchful approach, combined with quick action to "devour" things when the opportunity presents itself works for me. It allows me the flexibility of having many choices and much adaptability.  I have come to realize that this is an important part of who I am and how I operate.

This approach doesn't work for everybody. It's wonderful for me. I know so many who are concentrating on one area of knowledge and growth. They are quite specialized in a particular approach. I think this is beautiful to watch because in each case where I see this,  it is exquisitely perfect for the person. and it is always a privilege and a wonderful opportunity to learn from these people.

I am blessed to know so many beautiful witches to learn from, to walk with and enjoy the friendship of in this life. We are all different, we all bring something unique to the table, always such a myriad of different ways to walk this. There is so much variation in what each of us shines forth. 

And so finally at the tender young age of 51 years old… Ha ha… I find that I can reflect on all of this and have no worries. I'm not certain why I ever had any to start with.

 I like my quirky, eclectic, sometimes simplistic, completely bizarre but altogether perfect (for me) approach to my spirituality and my path. I love bringing together elements from absolutely everywhere to hone my craft. It's always mind blowing and so perfect the way it all fits together, when on the surface you'd never think that was possible. There is no aspect of life that is exempt from being a treasure trove to find wonderful and amazing things to pull in… the yummy. little gems are just everywhere.

I'm having fun. Whatever else may be going on, and there is always plenty, I'm truly having fun. What exactly would be the point if I wasn't? For me fun is necessary.

There are parts of who I am, what I know, what I recognize, how I practice and how I relate to this life on all levels that defy explanation using the English language.

And that my beautiful darlings is absolutely one of the best things about this life. Some things are known but simply can't be explained, and they don't need to be.

I have determined that I will continue to make this an adventure. Let's go babies, a new day awaits!

America

It's like we're all standing around screaming, "NO!  Listen!  My pain is bigger than yours so you don't matter! The entire Universe must stop for MY pain!" 

It's like we're getting our identity from our pain. 

Why can't we stand and look at each other, really SEE each other - and realize we're ALL in some kind of pain and then figure out ways we can help EVERYONE?  

What happened to the concept of The Common Good?  Why don't we see that helping our neighbors is the same as helping ourselves? 

Is it because we've lost track of who our neighbors are?  Does someone have to look and believe like me to be my neighbor?  We've become so afraid of those who are different than we are that we've lost our compassion, our humanity. 

And our fear is making us cold, small, and very ugly. 

I'm not a Christian. I'm a Witch. But I love the story Jesus told about The Good Samaritan.  I'd much rather be neighbors with, and in community with someone like the Samaritan. 

And say what you will, but our elected officials, especially these Presidential candidates, are using our fear against us. We are falling for it, too. 

It's time for a quiet revolution. One where everyone votes. One where we don't allow injustice. One where we understand that if all Americans don't have the same rights, then this experiment the founding fathers started fails and doesn't mean shit. One where elected officials go back to being PUBLIC SERVANTS and not sick leeches. One where we help the next guy, no matter who he is. One where being American stands for something, and where what we are together is bigger than what we are by ourselves.

Willful Blindness

The next time you find yourself really upset about something that someone else has that you don't, or  a benefit that one group has and another group doesn't have....

remember something.  

If the 1% would let up a little on what they are hoarding, there would be more than enough for everybody, and we wouldn't have to choose.

Does it really make sense for such a tiny little group of people in the world to have more wealth than their families could use for generations upon generations, often compiled not by hard work but by dishonest bending of laws to favor their interests?

Like many of you I had very hard-working parents. Having that kind of work ethic is instilled in many of us. But the 1% didn't work for what they have, unless you count manipulating everything our country was built upon for their own interests as work.

Yes, things definitely were different when we were kids. Corporations paid their fair share. We didn't have a 1% sucking the life out of everyone else. And while we all had the freedom to enjoy our own beliefs, we weren't so entrenched in them that we lost sight of the humanity of those around us.

We've lost our ability to find that middle ground, that place where we can find things that are for the highest good of all of us, so that everyone benefits. That's the whole point of society, it's the whole reason for community. It isn't about being right or having only your belief system be the "right" or "official" one. It's about finding a common ground where we can all work for things that benefit everyone. We have completely forgotten that that's the entire point of what our country was built on.

We are being played against each other to keep us blind to what's really going on. 

And you're all just falling for it.

Talking To The Magic

When I was a toddler, I would wake my parents up almost every night. Nowadays, I guess you would say that I had "night terrors." I would wake up calling out or crying. 

I remember very strongly at that stage of my life, during the day I was fine, happy. I had awesome parents, my mom stayed home. I played, I napped, I ate, we went to visit my memere, and it was sweet and good. 

But at night, when I was in my room alone, with no distractions, I would remember. I remembered a feeling, a place, somewhere before this place. I belonged there. Not being there hurt. So I called out in the night, like an SOS.

This went on for such a long time, with my mom and dad getting more and more upset, not to mention tired. They wanted to comfort me. I couldn't explain what I was upset about. And so it went, round and round. 

I remember one night watching them stand in my doorway talking. I could feel their love, and also their fatigue, and how much it was hurting them that they couldn't seem to help me. I knew from picking up their feelings that I was upsetting them. So after that day I didn't call out to them at night anymore. 

I would stack all of my stuffed animals around me on both sides so I was surrounded. Then, as I was trying to fall asleep and not be afraid, I would "talk to the magic." It was just a toddler's blathering at that point but I instinctively knew that someone was hearing me. 

I did this every night for many years, more than I admitted to anyone, until finally everyone's advice to grow up and be a young lady finally chased away what they called "fantasy and pretend." I automatically assumed that my conversations at bedtime must be pretend, too. So, I stopped. 

Or maybe another way of saying it, is that my psyche found another way to channel those feelings. It was at this time that my writing started. That was when my first efforts at short stories, diaries, journaling and making up stories and poems in my head really started. I remember later using a couple of the stories that I made up for assignments in English class, and my favorite teacher Mr. Ford said they were quite good. Mr. Ford was very handsome and so this made me very happy. But I digress…

It's actually really funny looking back now. Once I got old enough to play outside, I was always always out in nature, at my happiest in the woods, and I was always getting dirty. I loved climbing trees. Again, the "young lady" lecture, so my days of getting dirty eventually faded, too. 

It's been funny over this past few years, as my path has changed and expanded to look back on these things. 

I look back now as a 51 year old woman,  and I see that I have always been seeking that feeling of safety, home and peace that I remembered as a toddler, the sheer bliss, the unconditional Love, the feeling of the place that I was "before."

Part of my path for the last several years has been working extensively with the angelic realm. This is something that sets me apart from some witches, although I do know some who also do similar work. It was a very tender, happy thing to realize who it was that I was actually talking with as I fell asleep each night as a tiny one when I was "talking to the magic."

Three out of four of our beautiful New England seasons, I can be found out in nature. I love being in the woods, hiking trails, touching the trees and breathing the air. I'm learning to grow herbs, and I'm playing in the dirt again! 

I can look back now, and find touchstones, so many things that foreshadowed everything that has happened in the past five years. The universe is truly exquisite, and I'm just in awe when I look at how everything fits together.

I have really always been an "angel witch" -  I have always been on this path, I just didn't realize it.

As time moves on, and I get older, the less emphasis I find I actually place on linear time. It's a tool that we need for modern life. But this exercise in remembering who and what I am? That's what living this life is really about.

Peace. Rhythm. Love. Home. Passion. Pleasure. Service. Joy. Authenticity. Better every day. Enjoying dozens and dozens of ways to "talk to the magic" every day. That's the plan. 

What an amazing gift this life is.

The Fringe

"THE FRINGE" 

We always recognize each other right away 

Kindred

Beloveds from many lifetimes 

Come around again

Committed to the journey 

To experience, grow and love 

We're wired differently 

And when we plug ourselves in 

To their carefully crafted grid 

With it's rules for survival and success 

We wither 

And so we weave in and out 

Sampling their soup when we must 

But always finding it comes up short 

Leaving us cold and hungry 

And so we make our own way 

Creating a place of love, and warmth 

From what they discard without thought 

They call us flighty, dreamers

Irresponsible, lazy

Unrealistic 

I'm okay with that 

Oh my beautiful tribe 

Here on the fringe 

Here where the ancient wisdom is still honored 

Where the truth of the heart and spirit 

Wins over dollar and duty 

Where nature speaks and we hear

Where the body is sacred

And body, mind and spirit flow as one

Oh yes my dear ones 

I don't miss the grid at all 

And every day on the fringe with all of you 

Is a gift beyond the telling 

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Discovery

There is new territory to discover 

Both within and without 

I do not need 

I am simply 

In this glorious YES

Today

Today

I will groove with what my spirit and my body naturally wants to dance with 

I release what insults my soul

I drop the baggage of obligation 

I stop carrying the past 

I move in the direction of what makes my heart beat faster

I soar 

I dance 

I am rhythm 

I am flow

My heartbeat is one with the music of the earth 

I join in ecstatic embrace, making love with being 

Today 

Sisters

You can't point to the exact moment 

But at some point, you realize 

That somewhere along the way

You decided to be small, compliant 

Embracing a self defined by those around you

Always keeping your own desires 

Carefully buried, deep down inside 

So strong was your need to not rock the boat 

And be the good girl 

And when you begin to unravel 

All of that conditioning 

The training of a lifetime 

It can seem overwhelming indeed 

And exquisitely painful to change 

It is a great act of courage 

Even to begin! 

But sweet, dear sisters 

Each day that we stand in our own truth 

And show up authentically 

Is a victory 

Every conversation we were afraid to have

But, we do

All of the elephants,  no longer ignored in the middle of the room 

Every time we move in the direction of our heart's deepest call 

We begin to discover 

That the world does NOT actually end 

When we uncover our light 

In fact, the world is better for it

And, miraculously, having people disagree or disapprove doesn't kill us

Sisters 

We do this work together 

Never alone as we journey 

We are a powerful force of joy, pleasure, and truth 

We are creation, and sometimes necessary destruction

Let us keep going then 

Even on the days when we want to hide 

We've got this 

Together 

Disqualified

A open letter to the Presidential Candidates:

As we continue to move closer to Election Day, we continue to see vicious disparaging, belittling remarks and outright lies and contempt on the part of candidates, toward each other and toward Americans who disagree with them. 

I'm just one person, but I for one have had it. 

This is about strength of character, self control and a passion to hold sacred the rights of ALL Americans, not just the ones who agree with you.

Passion in a candidate is great, and so is a cut through the crap, get it done attitude.

But if the job you're applying for is LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD as we often say of POTUS, you get held to a much higher standard. 

That means you feel the rights of all Americans are important, not only the ones who look, act and believe like you. 

It means you're expected to have the ability to funnel that passion into actions that benefit the American people, and do the most good. 

It's about knowing The Constitution is a living thing, and honoring that. 

It's not about tantrums and being triggered emotionally every time someone disagrees with you. This reveals a character flaw that disqualifies you from this job.

If you can't control yourself under pressure, you simply are not qualified for this job. If you think you're stressed out now, how would you cope with the pressures of this job?

If you can't reach across the aisle to get things done for the good of all, then you are already a failure. 

If power, money and being right mean more to you than the common good - go home.  You don't belong in the Oval Office. You're not made of the right stuff.

The President is held to a higher standard. If you can't hold that, you shouldn't be running.

Sincerely, 

Elizabeth Carrignant

Angel Witch's New Day

I'm calling in a gentleness 

A sweet and natural flow 

Where body, mind and spirit 

Move in rhythm as we go 

I choose to end the compromise 

I'm leaving guilt behind 

I'm falling for those tricks no more 

Be silent, monkey mind 

If you can only love me watered down 

Its best you move away 

I honor the truth of who I am 

Today and everyday 

Love, life and energy 

So much more than we can see 

I'll keep listening and learning 

And dance each day with mystery 

With these words and my intent

Today the line is drawn 

Inner compass guides my action 

I'm the queen, and not a pawn 

I continue on this crooked path 

And send you blessings on your way 

This angel witch has spoken truth 

Now begins a brand new day 

Crucible

I woke up with this and felt compelled to share. 

There is such an energy of change, of clearing and cleaning to 2016 so far. So many in the crucible at present. So much time, effort and passion given to dreams, dreams that on the surface day to day events seemingly pull us away from. 

I don't think that it is a coincidence that this happens to so many of us on a personal level when our world seems to be going through much of the same thing.

When I see us all, so many in the crucible of the unexpected, of seemingly unwanted change, of healing, of sorrow, or trial, I do see the other side. I know, despite appearances that what we go through now truly IS a part of it all. We truly are exactly where we need to be today. That's a tough one some days, isn't it? 

I feel a strong pull that says take care of business, attend to the details that today presents to you. Show up authentically as YOU while you do what you do. Navigate this YOUR way, not the same old way. That's key. Your inner compass will guide you. This isn't a delay or a side trip, it's not a denial. This is life, this is your precious and beautiful life and if you could see the love you are surrounded with in every single moment, you would be in awe. 

How we walk today is our choice. Life is a journey, not a destination. So let's go, we've got this. What we walk through today and HOW we choose to walk it, that affects our bodies, our minds, our hearts and our tomorrows.

Woven through joy and struggle, difficult times and breakthroughs, there is magick, there is trust, and there is Love. And if we are open the Universe has so much help and sweet wisdom for us. 

I can see that we are changing ways of being , and thinking. We are forging new pathways, in our own lives, hearts and minds, and in our world. By doing so we heal ourselves, and our past and future. We set ancestral patterns free. This is much bigger than we realize. Attending to the business that the day today is presenting to us now has far-reaching ramifications  that we may not realize.

Yes. So many of us in the crucible right now. 

And it isn't always easy. But I know that we can trust. I can see the other side. And we have each other, as help along the journey. I know this is so very good. 2016 may not look for all of us the way we had anticipated. But this time of clearing, cleaning in change presents us with a unique opportunity. In some ways it feels like chaos for many. How we are present to that chaos and what we choose to do in it is up to us. It does present an opportunity. This is alchemy my loves. And we are both the alchemist and the gold.

Pretty?

A woman owes no one "pretty"

Who she is

And what she does 

Is beautiful

Her heart informs her journey 

And her spirit walks this life

Her appearance? 

That belongs to her alone

And should she choose to adorn it 

Or to be raw and wild 

Is no concern of yours 

Be she 3, 13, 30 or 73

She is radiant, complete 

Whole unto herself 

If you approach, speak first to her heart 

And watch her eyes 

Let her see yours

Yes, it's a bit scary at times 

But it's the only way

Wisdom of the Wild Child

I have always been one who loved losing myself in what made my heart sing. Immersion in what truly gave me joy, this was my natural inclination. 

Being out in nature, the woods, the sunshine, and in the company of my best friend; there was no better feeling. I was always outside! I still love wandering the woods, soaking up the sun or playing in the rain.  I'm also still blessed with beautiful friends. 

At some point, well-meaning adults in my life told me that shouldn't be wandering around in the woods, that I needed to be a young lady, and that I shouldn't be getting dirty every day. They meant well, but that wasn't good advice for me.

Later, music became a part of me. I loved listening to Paul McCartney & Wings, The Bee Gees, Andy Gibb, John Denver and many others.

The music program at David Prouty was huge for me. I was no major star but that was my happy place. Music touched my heart deeply, as it still does, and regardless of anything else, we all had that in common. Being in the musicals all four years is a cherished memory of mine.  Thanks Mr. K.

I know that my ongoing love affair with music will be lifelong.

Youth Ministry, Search and TEC were another beautiful heart space in their time, and I definitely immersed myself.  Faith, friends, music and exploring that awkward transition into adulthood....I still have some cherished friendships from that time. 

Things you happily get lost in....marriage and family is one. I remember every single triumph, tragedy, laugh, kiss, embrace, tear and sweet moment.  We have never been adults in this world without each other, Rob!  This is amazing to think of. It has been both a beautiful and a difficult immersion, and I am amazed by everything that has happened when I look back. I think now I can see we really were much stronger than I realized back then.  I think the silly, goofy moments are among my favorites.  You always make me laugh.  

The gift of motherhood created a song in my heart from the very first moment, it changes absolutely everything. Those years as a young mother leaving my babies and going to work every day, when I knew in my heart it was not right for us, were so hard. That pain was deep, and it changed me profoundly.  

Now I look at the men those babies have grown into and I am so incredibly awed by who they are, and grateful for the blessings of being their mother. And my heart will happily sing that song always. 

I'm coming to understand that pull - the natural gravitation toward what gives me joy is a Divine message. It's the call of the Goddess within me, its Creation saying "Yes. This is what you came for." Dive in deep!

I instinctively felt and followed that pull as a little girl. As an adult, I have followed it at times, but at other times I have allowed other influences to cloud my judgment.

When I follow it, through times of joy and difficulty, there is a beautiful underlying flow, a Oneness, Energy, a trust, the sweetest rightness about life. 

When I ignore it, I begin to dry up, it's painful. There's no synchronicity, and everything feels terrible. It's hard to even breathe, and get up every day and do my thing. 

I follow the path of the Witch, the crooked path. I am blessed with so many stunningly beautiful souls on this journey. Not all are witches, but they are all kindred. My soul tribe, we know one another well, and we could not help but find one another again now as we continue this journey. Immersion in life, in living from our hearts, in a love and a truth that carries nothing but what is needed, in learning, growing and serving, in showing up authentically, in pleasure, in power.....each of us has our own path yet we are One. I could have no better companions on the road. 

And so, I'm going to continue what I just instinctively knew as a little girl. I'm going to keep following what makes my heart sing. I'll change what needs changing. I'll say yes and no with bald truth, so they don't lose their meaning. I'll spend time on things that feel good. I'll let go when it's time.  I'll cherish what speaks to my heart, I'll honor memory and learning, and I'll show up as my real, authentic, truthful self, every day. I'll be messy, and wild. I'll play in the dirt. It's the only way I know how to do this. 

As it turns out, I really had  a good idea of how to do this as a little girl. It's time to scrape off this disgusting civilized veneer, and drop all the shoulds. This woman is still a wild child, and that's how I choose to live. 

Discomfort

I didn't come here to make anyone comfortable - not you and not myself. 

I love. But I have learned a fierce, wild, open kind of love; one which by its very nature burns away what doesn't breathe, grow and live. 

Sometimes this means I'm going to make things difficult for you. Trust me I understand. I make things difficult for myself quite frequently. But these "difficulties" are blessings. They are an open, truthful, unvarnished look at what doesn't resonate, and what does.

Please know that it isn't anything personal. It is never an attack on any other person or belief system. What works for you, what makes you happy, what resonates for you is absolutely perfect for you. I love that, and I respect it. 

It is simply this. What works for me, who I am - sometimes that's going to look very different than what works for you. I'm going to continue to love and respect you and your journey. And I am glad to say that I have people in my life who do the same for me whether we are vastly different or whether we are kindred and seem to vibrate at the same frequency.

Sometimes I walk this journey with grace. Other times, I'm a bull in a china shop, all razor sharp edges and destruction. Both are a valid part of this journey. When that spills over onto you, I am authentically sorry for your discomfort and pain. I fully understand and respect whatever you feel you need to do in order to handle that the best way you can for you.

 I'm never going to intentionally hurt anyone. I do fully understand there are times when I express truly necessary destructive energy in ways that are hurtful 

or painful for people. Creation is what we are all doing as we live this life, and destruction is a part of Creation. 

I'm not going to sugar coat the truth, or water myself down, but I can speak from a place of love and compassion. I haven't always been successful at that. For that I am sorry. 

So no, I'm not here to make you comfortable. I'm not here to make me comfortable either. All I can do is show up authentically, victories and fall on your face moments both in the rear view mirror to learn from. 

Know that if you've been in my life at all, you're in my heart. The things that I do, I'm not doing them, "to you." I'm just trying to be the best me I can. I guess we'll have to wait and see how that turns out.

Not This Time, Old Friend

There is an energy I know well 

For a long time it was my friend 

An energy of smallness, dryness

Of pulling in, contracting 

Staying on the surface 

An energy of walls and barriers 

Miserable, hopeless survival 

Body, mind and spirit drying up

In a painful, slow death 

It comes now, many a morning 

To invite me in 

It reminds me how long we were together 

It tries to tell me that it's familiar arms 

Are the only comfort I will ever know 

It wants me to find in it's cold, brittleness 

A home

It wants to feed on me, like before 

But, NO. I say no. Not this time. No more.

I'm a Witch 

I don't need to play small 

I'm not afraid to dive deep 

I've made love with the dark and the light 

I have no need of walls and barriers 

I am one with All

Protection, transmutation live in me, they go before me

And surround me, at my word 

I am beautiful, wise, fierce and juicy 

You will not make of me 

A barren landscape 

The High Priestess is my sister

She stands behind one shoulder 

Archangel Michael stands behind the other 

They remind me of who and what I am 

In those moments when I get lost 

I honor my ancestors 

Their music is a part of my life's symphony 

Blessings continued 

Limiting patterns lifted and transmuted 

I speak with The Mighty Dead 

I respect and listen to faeries and elemental spirits 

Plants and animals are trusted advisors

I travel in dream time 

Mystery is a beloved companion

I love to learn 

I am well aware I know so very little! 

My life is craft, and art 

In fulfilling my life

I am best in service to others 

The circle of giving and receiving 

Endless blessings of prosperity shared

I am never powerless

And so I do not need my cold friend, come back to visit and tempt me.

I'm having none of it 

And so I bind it and send it on its way 

A trip to the violet fire 

So no other can become it's host 

Some old friends are a welcome visit 

Others are not 

And today, I made the final break 

With that one 

Blessed Be! 

Tenderness

Sometimes 

Tenderness is wide open 

Dripping like rain in the forest 

Pouring over everything 

Running off the leaves 

Soaking the ground 

You are bathed in it, like silvery moonlight 

It rises from the soft moss beneath your feet

Scenting the air 

Dancing with the mist 

Beyond words 

Being 

Comfort Zones and Safety

Comfort zones and safety are funny things. Food. Social media. Routines. Access to certain people in our lives. Habits that we resonate with, or things we enjoy that we pull a sense of identity from. 

Switch out the routine, and the mind decides "Nope. This is different. I'm uncomfortable." Moments later, emotion hits - panic, sadness, anger, bitterness, feeling trapped, desperation arrive - because they tend to travel with "uncomfortable." 

I can't speak for everyone, but I can say that for some people with an anxiety condition, that's what it's like. Or at least that's how it is for me.

So....you sit with it. You feel it, allow it space. Rant and rave. Say how unfair it is. Or be sad. Cry. Feel desperate. Yell at The Universe. Make demands. Roll up in a ball. Hide. Just be there, in it. Allow. Total permission to be, no filters.

After a while, you'll calm a bit. I do. You'll be able to ask yourself what you're feeling. Why do you feel like that? Ah. Okay. This is just so very DIFFERENT. So, it's scary. Threatening. It messes with your sense of self, your sense of being okay. Makes it hard to feel confident and together, like you don't maybe have control. That's not safe, right? 

Yep. There it is. 

But now you know. So, you can love yourself right now, exactly where you are. 

So, let's redefine safe. What if safety lies in flexibility?  What if we do it like Gumby, stretching and changing shape?  What if maybe that could be fun? 

You've got your inner compass. Clear intent. Pure heart. That's what makes you YOU. As long as you're using that to navigate, you're good. So it's okay to jump into what's different, things that mean we need to think or behave differently than our safe habits dictate.

Fear is okay. It either tells us to hold off because we haven't considered something from all the angles, or its just a signal that what we're getting into is NEW. That kind of fear is good, and it can mean LETS GO! That's the time to jump in and do it anyway - because this is going to be good for us. 

I'm excited about this year. I'm excited about being flexible enough to try things that are new, to look at things differently, and roll with it sometimes. Of course there will always be times when I want to draw boundaries and say "wow that's not for me." But at least I'll know because I tried it. I do know this. Your comfort zone can become a prison. 

There are always going to be things that are scary. There will always be things that don't feel safe, because they are new, and that might trigger an anxiety reaction. And that's OK. Strength lies in how we roll with it. 

So, I'm giving myself permission to roll with it my way, to not have it together all the time, to try new things, to make mistakes, and to let uncomfortable be maybe a little less scary. And I'm going to have fun. 

Silver River Stag

Walking through the woods 

The Moon kisses all things with her silvery light 

Looking up, you see the tops of the bare trees, outlined against the blue black sky 

Their branches reaching up to caress the sky 

Your breath mingles with that of our Mother, your footfalls soft upon her breast 

The wind pulls at your hair in greeting 

Carrying with it the sounds 

Of this winters night 

All is movement and flow

The river, gently relentless 

Never thwarted in it's journey

Over, under, around, and through 

Spirit knows the way 

Strength of heart 

Standing where so many cannot

Purpose crystal clear 

One of those who has come 

To help the people remember 

And to relearn how to walk

If a journey is weighed 

By the world's standards 

They cannot make sense of it 

But the Moon has come to witness 

And in the morning she will tell the Sun 

As they kiss in the moment of dawn's first light 

Those who walk with Spirit are never alone 

Written for my friend Paul Bagge, December 23, 2015, on the day he received his Native American name. 

Everyday Heroes

I found myself thinking of my dad today. I'm glad that he comes to mind often, he's been gone for ten years and it's odd to me because it doesn't seem like that long. I miss him.

For some reason today, I found myself thinking of dad's work. He worked in shoe shops, and as a security guard. But the job he held the longest was as a steel worker. For those who are unfamiliar, this is an extremely physical job. In this case it involved working in hot temperatures, near a furnace, wearing huge tongs, picking up and repeatedly "slapping" heavy red hot steel. 

I can't even imagine how anyone does this work.  Add to it the fact that my dad had very severe rheumatoid arthritis and it becomes unfathomable. His healthy coworkers always said they were amazed at what he was able to do, despite the oversized joints and gnarled hands.

Many of us understand having pain on a regular basis. Arthritis, fibromyalgia, sciatica, back problems, job related wear and tear, and many other conditions leave many people in daily pain. I've had rheumatoid arthritis for almost 25 years, I get it. 

But there's one thing I notice that can be easy to lose sight of. Thinking about my dad this morning got me thinking of everyone else who does really physical work every day. 

First, the way soldiers, firefighters and police officers put their lives on the line is bravery and heroism that needs to be recognized. In addition to this factor of putting their lives on the line, the work can take a physical toll on them for many reasons.

Many other jobs are also really tough on the body. I think we could have more appreciation sometimes.

Your plumber has to lay on his back on the kitchen floor, carry the new sink in, and drag your old water heater outside. Someone working construction is climbing, bending, lifting, crouching and stooping for six to eight hours a day, in all sorts of temperatures. 

There are lots of other examples. There's the person who fills your oil tank, warehouse workers, the guy who plows your driveway, CNA's, brick masons, farm workers and many, many more. 

What about those who are on their feet all day? Cooks, waitstaff, flight attendants, and thousands more.

My dad got up every day and did that job, right next to completely healthy people. All day, every day, he had to repeatedly make motions and perform tasks that hurt and caused more damage. Ouch. And he did it, for the people he loved. 

I understand people are being paid for what they do. That is as it should be. I'm not addressing that. I'm expressing my appreciation for all who do physical work day in and day out. I'm saying I see you, because I saw him, all those years. So I see you now. I know what it costs you. I can tell when you're not okay, even though you tell the boss and your loved ones that you're fine. I'm saying you're amazing. This work needs doing, and as someone who isn't physically capable of doing any of it, this steelworkers daughter is saying thank you.

While many of us may deal with pain from our homes and from our warm office cubicles, in most cases I don't think that's the same thing as those who have to actually physically put it on the line every day at work. They do that for days, weeks, years. 

Growing up watching my dad do what he did gave me a view to what those who do physical work really do every day.  I consider these people to be every day heroes. Today, while I remember my dad, I thought it needed to be said.

Sometimes...

Sometimes 

There is a raging fire under that patience 

Sometimes 

The ferocity of a tigress

Can be found camouflaged within quiet resolve

Sometimes 

Great power simmers

Just beneath the surface 

Of a receptive pause

Sometimes 

Inner knowledge 

Provides the silent compass 

Sometimes 

Inspired action 

Hides in plain sight 

And the sleeping never notice 

Sometimes 

Magick moves mountains 

Yet seems quiet and invisible 

Sometimes 

Time is loose and bendy 

And we play like gumby 

Sometimes 

Love is pure, unconditional 

And utterly without agenda

So, it blesses every life it touches

Sometimes you remember 

That what's in the stars 

Is what's in you

And you speak it into being 

Yes 

Sometimes 

These Days

Waffling between roaring confidence

And the need to get tiny, be invisible, and hide

Reveling in the rush of free fall

Then grasping in white knuckled terror

The days you are patient and sure 

Followed by hurricane's rage and fury

At times, all are your kindred 

But there are times you feel utterly alone 

Moving naturally, instinct and intuition your compass 

Then a moment later back up in your head, searching for control and assurance 

You learn every day 

You realize you know nothing 

Conquering fear by charging ahead, right in it's face 

Other times wanting nothing more than to be held, warm and close, while someone strokes your hair and says "It's okay"

To live, open and awake, every day the heart expanding,  the pain, love and joy woven together 

While the days of comfortably closed are a dim memory 

Desiring nothing more than to be truly seen, unfiltered, and loved wholly for it 

And later, finally giving that gift to yourself 

You're a work in progress

And those old habits die hard 

But, over time you realize there are no dreams that come without risk, and that if you can't be who you are, then you can't breathe 

You see that free fall has it's own unique way of creating space, and that life will fill that space with good things, if you let it 

So you begin to learn of letting go.

You start to understand the unexpected power in those times of vulnerability you used to hide and run from 

You learn the power and sacredness of pleasure and honoring the desires that the Divine has placed within you 

You learn day by day while walking and speaking your truth with integrity 

You are witness to the danger of smallness and the destruction that comes with numbness 

You see evidence, every day, that what is meant for you cannot pass you by 

Light, dark, good, bad, real and time become fluid, elastic concepts that change shape like play-doh 

And it's weird because your sight is so altered 

And a thousand poems could probably never capture what it's like 

But you keep writing them anyway 

Because it's what you do 

Monkey Monkey

Monkey, monkey 

Little monkey 

Playing in my head 

Telling me missed expectations 

Mean that I should dread 

Always saying there are rules 

And if we stray it's wrong 

Rigid rules for me and others 

Make prison bars so strong 

People being human 

Are sure to disappoint 

When happiness is an outside job 

We kind of miss the point 

So monkey monkey 

Worried monkey 

I know that you mean well 

I'm just going to give you a hug right now 

You have a story to tell 

Little monkey, calming now

I think today we learned 

That happiness is an inside job 

The tables now have turned 

No situation, person or place 

Is going to make it right 

And when we load them down like that 

They're sure to put up a fight 

Monkeys do what monkeys do 

And playing with others is fun

Some days we go bananas

And the other monkeys want to run 

But with some luck 

And a little love 

We find our happy troop 

Monkeys who are glad that we're around 

Even when we're looped

So monkey, monkey 

There you are 

Playing in my head 

I hear what you are saying 

But now, there is no dread

When Positivity Becomes An Obstacle

I used to think that by allowing those darker, more difficult emotions – the ones we would consider "negative", that I was somehow going to "un manifest" or push away the things I was working toward in my life.

It is a fact that there are many Universal and metaphysical laws that do apply to all of us. Though it is not recognized by many, the vibration that we are in each day has a direct correlation to what comes our way. We can be intentional about this, or have absolutely no idea. Either way the result is the same.

Having said this, what I didn't leave room for was the simple truth of my unique vibration in this universe. We each have a unique energetic signature. That means that each of us plays every day in the playground of this universe in a way that no other being does. 

What I'm finally starting to wake up to, what I'm remembering, is that these darker emotions, the ones I formerly considered to be "negative" are just a natural part of being human. 

Quite often, these types of emotions are uncomfortable. We're human, our natural inclination is to move away from discomfort. Add to that so much of the "spiritual" literature out there urging us to stay positive, and it's quite easy to convince yourself that you must always be blissfully skipping through fields of daisies, or you're "doing it wrong." I don't know about you, but I was putting a huge amount of pressure on myself, constantly, to remain in a positive state of mind. I felt like there was something lacking in me if I wasn't feeling happy all of the time. 

I have come to the extremely freeing conclusion that all of this is bullshit. I can only speak for myself, but here's how it works for me.

You see, I do have quite clear objectives for the things that I am calling to myself on an every day basis. I'm taking very clear steps both physically and energetically to make certain that these things happen. I'm doing what I need to do and then I'm letting go and trusting.

I am finding that when darker or more "negative" emotions do arise, they invariably have something important to communicate to me. There's something there that I need to be paying attention to. It may be a new lesson, or maybe the clearing of an old pattern that no longer serves me. It could be the healing of an old memory. Whatever it is I don't have to run away from it, squash it down, send it away or think that it's wrong. 

And, here is the lovely freeing part. I don't have to worry that these feelings are chasing away the things I'm working on today, or with regard to my future goals. 

YAY! 

So, the very cool truth here is that when these darker, or more difficult emotions arise, they are simply a natural part of the process. It is a very "positive" thing for me to be integrating, learning from and lifting the energy of these experiences. That's how we use them, it's how they become fuel - fuel that we can use just as effectively as all of the more bright, sunshine moments. In fact combining the two is a fantastic rocket fuel! 

So, I just sit with them and allow them to be. I just sit, and allow. I ask myself what I'm feeling, see if I can identify it. I ask myself a few simple questions, about why am feeling that way. I might talk it out with myself. I might write in my journal about it, write poetry, sometimes I might talk to a trusted friend for some perspective. Sometimes I might cry it out, or just curl up in bed and give up for the moment, and hope that I feel better in the morning.  I might yell and curse.  

The key here for me lies in being completely allowing, accepting and open with myself about whatever arises. Whatever comes up is good and natural and normal. I love and accept myself in whatever state I am in in that moment. 

Eventually, whether it takes a couple of hours or a few days, I work through it. I can see and understand what was upsetting me.

I'm noticing that what follows every single time, once this process is over, is a feeling of lightness, a return to equilibrium. I have clarity about what I need to do now, if anything, and whatever learnings might have come out of the experience. 

Did I chase away the things that I am working on in my life because I allowed this process to happen? Should I now expect doom and gloom to follow me everywhere because I felt these "negative" emotions? 

I'm actually finding exactly the opposite. I'm finding that when these things come up for me, and I love and show compassion for myself and the things that have come up, that it actually frees things up. I find that by moving through this process it's a part of the forward momentum I'm working on in my life. 

Sometimes it takes a few minutes. Sometimes it takes a few hours. Sometimes it can be days or even weeks. We always move through it. That can be hard to see from the inside of it when you're dealing with it, but you do always move through it and come out the other side. It sounds incredibly counterintuitive, but I have found that by not fighting with it, that I come out the other side sooner and more easily.

 I would go so far as to say that it is a part of manifesting and creating the life that I am choosing to live, both on a moment by moment basis, and when working toward my future goals. I have come to understand that this is a necessary process. Things come up that must be dealt with - this is not a negative thing. It is not wrong. You are not backsliding spiritually when this happens to you. And you are not chasing away the things that you're working on. On the contrary it's part of the work. It's all good.

You are the one that is crafting your life. I am the one that is crafting mine. There are all sorts of beautiful building blocks that we are each using in order to do this. There are many many colors that we are each using in the painting of our lives. Working through darker or "negative" emotions is simply a part of that creative process. 

When we allow this and show ourselves love and compassion we truly are in motion, we are creating space physically and energetically for more amazing things to happen. By giving ourselves and others love and compassion during this process, we are still creating. 

Once we come out the other end of whatever it is that we have needed to allow, explore, love, meet with compassion, and learn from, we continue on, doing what we do, better for the experience, and wiser for the learning. 

The combination of our absolutely clear intent, our purity of heart, our daily action, and the ability to let go and trust continue to be the navigational tools that we use on a day-to-day basis. In those moments where we went swimming in the dark places, we find that we did not slow the journey at all, but instead they were just a part of the rhythm of our days - just as the moments in the sunshine are. Both are a part of the process. 

Unswerving faith and belief in who you are and what you're doing is absolutely necessary. That is what I define as "being positive." I look for the good in people and situations, and I usually find it. I trust completely that the universe has my back in every situation, even when outward appearances would seem to indicate the opposite. I no longer define being positive as needing to blow sunshine up everyone's butt 24 hours a day. I have found this shift in understanding to be extremely freeing. I'm interested to find out what other people's experiences have been.

Sum Total?

We see the action 

And assume we know the motivation 

Right then and there 

We stop seeing the other person 

Seeing instead what we expect

Picking a category 

Summing them up

Instead of simply being 

Wait and see 

Let it unfold 

You can be you 

Now, let them be them 

Vampires Anonymous

'Tis a magickal thing indeed 

The journey of remembering 

Who you are 

And why you have come 

Yes, this alone 

Is your very own 

Revelation 

But there's more 

You reach the point 

Where you are able to bear witness 

To what you are 

And all that you do 

As you live each day

Finally, there comes a time 

When only the bravest openness 

And relentless authenticity 

Will do 

Yet, you see yourself 

Still seeking completion 

In others view of you

As authenticity burns away illusion 

The old vampiric ways 

Of drawing, pulling 

Using the energy and emotion of others 

To prop yourself up

Falls away 

You stand on your own. 

Oh fear! 

I'm lost. Disconnected! Empty! 

Ugly. Useless.

Can't you see!?

It isn't safe. I'm not enough!

And I never will be...

Must hide. So naked. So scared. 

Get tiny. Cover my face. 

Block my ears. No. Oh no. 

The habit, so ingrained 

Neural pathways 

Like well traveled roads in your psyche

You watch yourself 

As the fear pumps loudly in your ears

And the familiar downward spiral 

Is about to begin 

But 

No 

Something is different this time 

Oh, the habit is there, so strong 

But now, the desire, the need to walk that familiar road 

Of latch on, or hide 

Is gone 

You released it

You felt it leave you

The dark and heavy energy gone from you

And in the midst of the fear 

The inner Witness speaks 

Hey. Wait a second!

It's alright to be afraid 

Standing in your personal power 

Self contained 

Complete, beautiful 

Not seeking outside of yourself 

For validation 

Belief, faith in who and what you are

Without the crutch of others approval 

This is new 

And the fear? It's a habit. 

But it doesn't own you. 

You don't need it.

Not anymore.

Let's go. Let's walk. 

You've got this! 

That fear will get smaller over time. 

And you can rock who you are

Even if you are afraid sometimes 

Standing 

Tentative steps 

Back straightens

You stop looking down 

And bring your gaze up 

To meet the world 

See that? That's bravery. You're doing it! 

And you're not disconnected 

Not ever

Quiet your mind and see what you find

You know and feel the truth of that within 

There's a vast difference 

Between being complete in and of yourself 

And being cut off, separated from love 

Without a lifeline 

You were never alone, you know that now

Beautiful connection 

With all things 

Every person 

The world, energy 

The Divine

It's all One

We are One

Now you can enjoy that natural thread 

That connects us all 

Without needing anyone 

To prop you up 

Or tell you that you're okay 

You're free